30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 6, Episode 9 - Leap Day - full transcript

Jack learns that Leap Day is more than just an extra day to do business while Liz spends her first intercalary holiday helping Jenna seduce an Internet billionaire. Tracy rallies the writers to help him use a nearly expired Benihana gift card worth so much that it will take a Leap Day miracle to spend.

Liz Lemon!

It's me, Thad.
From college.

I've had my skin tags removed

since then so you can see my eyes now.

Oh, you ran the light board
at the theater.

Everyone called you...
Thad, no nickname.

And you, you were the star
The Sound of Music.

Thank you, no everyone thinks
of the young Nazi boy

as the star of that show.

# You are one age going on another age #

# what's going to happen next.

A lot of people didn't realize that was

the free, unlicensed version.

Look, I know it's last
minute, but I'm having

an epic Leap Day party this afternoon.

Wow, a daytime party
celebrating Leap Day.

Sounds fun, but I have to work.

Hey, Liz, new Bluetooth?

No, I'm talking to someone.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't see people that look like that.


Wow, that was this creep
I went to college with.

Such a nerd.

And this is coming from
someone who wrote lyrics

to the song the cantina
band playsin Star Wars.

# Figrin d'an the kloo horn man #

# he's from clak'dor seven

But, at least I don't
throw Leap Day parties.

Wait, that was Thad Warmald,
the billionaire?

No, that was sad Thad the skintag lad.

I coined that.

That name has been all over

the gold digger message boards lately.

I don't know a lot about business,

but he did an Internet and
now the computers like him

and Wall Street is Google.

Oh, my God.

We are going to this party and
you're introducing me to Thad.

Liz, I'm on a sexual walkabout right now.

I need to know if anything can

What? How much Internet did he do?

Poke your eye, pull your hair,
you forgot what clothes to wear.

What the hell?

You're not wearing yellow
and blue on Leap Day.

So what?
Leap Day is not a thing.

# Leap Day William

# Leap Day William

# bursting from the sea

# will he bring his bucket of
sweets for mom and pop and me #

What the crap is going on in here?

Why, Leap Day William is visiting.

Leap Day William?

Miss Lemon, did you not grow up

with Leap Day William?

He lives in the Mariana trench.

He emerges every four years

to trade children's tears for candy?

What? No.

But white haven was founded by the amish,

and we really only celebrated
their holidays.

After high school, I went on rumspringa.

It was crazy.

I totally snuck into
The Witches of Eastwick.

But where were you when
we did this four years ago?

Certainly not at a Michael's
crafts crafting cruise.

Oh, miss Lemon, you are missing out.

Every four years, you get
a magical extra day.

A day to do the things you
ordinarily wouldn't do.

To take chances!

For instance, I am wearing

a braided necklace with
a shark's tooth on it.

I listened to rap music
for the first time.

Not a fan.

And you and I are going to a party

thrown by a billionaire.

Come on, take a leap, Liz.

Okay, fine, I'll go, but
if he has a giant chandelier

in his house, I'm out.

Those things fall.

Waah, waah.

# Leap Day William, Leap Day William #

6x09 - Leap Day

Happy Leap Day, Lemon.

- Help yourself to some rhubarb.
- Rhubarb?

Is white haven the only city in America

that doesn't celebrate Leap Day?

Oh, it's not such a big deal
in Boston, either.

Just a Leap Day William parade,
citywide ice maze

and, uh, we don't poke you in the eye

if you're not wearing yellow and blue.

- We just, uh, stomp on your foot.
- Ow!

Kick you in the knee,
Yankees suck, go pats.

I can't believe the woman who watches

all six pawn shop reality shows

has never seen the movie,
Leap Dave Williams.

I'm sorry, is Leap Dave Williams

a play on Leap Day William?

It's a classic.
Uptight lawyer Dave Williams

turns into the real Leap Day William

after an ice fishing trip gone awry.

USA runs an all day marathon.

Dave, is everything all right?

I definitely don't have gills.

I mean, nothing.

I mean, yes.

Oh, my God, that's what Chris
kept quoting this morning

during our love... making.

New assistant reporting for duty.

Kenneth's filling in.

Gabe's got the weak off.

He's a mormon.

You know how they are about Leap Day.

No, I don't, I don't know th...

Ow, ah!

Fine, I didn't wanna have to do this,

but I am wearing yellow and blue.

Kenneth, I'm hoping to find
you a permanent position

here at the company, but it's
hard to take you seriously

when you're dressed like that.

I'm sorry, sir.

I just get so excited
spreading holiday cheer.

Well, certainly you remember
the joy that fills

a young boy's heart on the day of leap.

Don't get me wrong, I love this holiday.

But do you know why?

Oh, sir, I never know why.

Because it's an extra day to do business.

A bonus profit opportunity.

I have a bet with my business
school roommates

every four years to see

who can make the most money on Leap Day.

And that is why I am announcing
today that cable town is

purchasing Xaro,
the 3-D Internet company.

It'll be like those Bible
quotes are right in your face.

Yes, now take off that bald cap, Kenneth.

We have a lot of work to do.

Of course, take off my bald cap.

Not put on my wig.

Well, he's definitely rich.


Look how lame this crowd is.

Thad's been in his little
nerd world for so long

and now he's peeping out
of his shell like a... um,

oh, what's that animal?

You know, the one that crosses
so slowly across the road

and then you swerve to make sure
you hit it and then a car

coming the other way swerves to
avoid you and goes off a cliff.

And then that night you and your
companion have the greatest sex

of your lives because
you're both sharing a secret.

- It's a turtle, Jenna.
- Yes, he's a turtle.

And he's coming out of his shell

for the first time.

And when he does, he's gonna see this.

We really gotta get all
the furniture out of here?

My aquarium guy's coming to see about

turning this whole room into an aquarium.

Who's really in the aquarium?

The fish or us?

Greetings, coworkers.

Uh, Mr. Donaghy would
like to inform you that,

"unfortunately due to the Obama
worldwide recession,

"there will be no Leap Day
bonuses this year.

"Mean laughter, sound of
a drink being poured.

"What are you writing now,
you slack-jawed donkey?

What are all these letters, tray?

It's just fan mail.

I mean, would you read a bunch of letters

from people who look up to me?

A $50,000 benihana gift card?

Oh, right, I did an ad and insisted on

being paid in beni bucks.

Oh, no sir, this card is only
good through February 2012.

Any other year it'd be march already.

But we found it today!

It's a Leap Day miracle!

Gentlemen, we have one day to eat

$50,000 worth of Japanese food.

That's impossible.

Nothing's impossible on Leap Day.

It's like I said in my cameo

appearance in Leap Dave Williams,

"gimme your wallet, old man!"

Ladies and gentlemen,
I want to introduce you

to the future of Kabletown,

the future of web-browsing,

and, quite frankly, the future.

Welcome to the age of 3-D Internet.

Following an unintentionally
racist press conference...

Help us to "Whip" the competition.

Kabletown shares down sharply...

Careful, sir, those leaves are poisonous.

You know the saying,
"rhubarb red, eat away,

rhubarb green, don't eat them."

Kenneth, I've watched newt
gingrich eat a plate of ribs.

I think my stomach can handle
some rhubarb leaves.

Do you have any idea how long
you'll be needing me today?

One of my birds is sick

and I want to get home
in time to baptize her.

We're both staying here until
I come up with an idea

to turn this day around.

Now, would you watch a television show...

And I'm just spitballing here...

Called spitball?

Sir, Rebecca Birdstein needs me.

Kenneth, we all have to make sacrifices.

Watch this.

Sherry, I'm afraid something
has come up at work

and you'll have to stay late with Liddy.

Uh, just dab some scotch on
your neck and make your eyes

the color of a winter crystal
so she'll think you're me.

Uh, thank you Sherry.

Good night.

How many rooms are in...

It's my, uh, d&d room.

The gaming table comes up
out of the floor.


Frak, I'm supposed to say "floor" first.

Forget it, damn it!

- This is all for you, Liz.
- What?

I have been in love with you
since college.

Watching you every night on that stage

and realizing my dad was wrong.

I do like girls.

Oh, boy. Okay.

The party, the New York
apartment, everything.

Do you know why I spun off Xaro
and sold it to Kabletown?

Just so I could
accidentally run into you.

That is why it's called Xaro.

In Game of Thrones, Xaro
is a rich merchant prince

who wishes to acquaint himself
with the mother of dragons.

Great, well... Scooby Doo!

Liz, wait!
$10 million!

I want you to take my virginity

on leap night

for $10 million.

Fine, 20.

- No, Thad, I...
- Don't answer yet.

I mean, okay, unless you
were gonna say yes.

- No, you heard me say no.
- Don't answer yet.

Don't answer yet.

Oh, come... ... on.


Son of a glub.

Mr. Jordan, you'll never
spend all this by midnight.

You appeared in that ad for nothing.

Well the joke's on you because that

commercial never aired
for unexplained reasons.

I just touched the table again.

Oh, God, you call for help!

I'll just put my head on
the table for a second.

Now let's get started, bring us
a bottle of your finest wine.

Of course, Mr. Jordan.

That will be $12.

Hey, Liz.
I can't find Thad.

Thad just indecentproposal-ed me.

One night, $20 million.

Oh, my God, that's
the gold digger's dream.

- Where is he?
- No, Jenna.

You don't understand.

He's been in love with me since college.

He only wants me.

And you're still here.

You're considering it.

Liz, you know you're not doing this.

I'm on a sexual walkabout.

But you're a nice girl
with a live-in boyfriend.

Honey, I'm about to do
something pretty... crazy.

You should.

It's Leap Day.
Real life is for march.

No, just hear me out.

- Because if this doesn't work...
- It doesn't matter.

Nothing that happens on Leap Day counts.

Nothing that happens on Leap Day counts.

Well, then, here goes nothing.


Hey, Liz, what's up?

Criss, I'm about to do
something pretty crazy.

You should, it's Leap Day.

- Real life is for march.
- Oh, boy.

No, hear me out, because this
could really ruin...

No, it doesn't matter.

Nothing that happens on Leap Day counts.

Hey, listen, I gotta run,

but whatever it is, go for it.

Oh, my.

It looks like we've got
a slut-off on our hands.

We've only spent $6000.

We should just give up.

- Never.
- We can't keep eating!

Lutz's shirt button popped off
and hit Cerie.

It counts as us touching.

This is important.

Everybody's always telling me

not to get paid in gift cards.

Angie, my lawyer,
my imaginary friend, Dotcom.

Tray, I'm real.

I moved your furniture.

And, yeah, Leap Day has
become too commercial.

And people have forgotten
what it really means,

but I remember.

One Leap Day when I was a kid,
the Harlem River froze,

and I decided to cross it
carrying my brick collection.

I told him not to.

No one can hear you, Dotcom.

Then I fell through the ice.

They still don't know who pulled me out.

I did.

Charlie Rangel gave me a medal.

I like to think it was Leap Day William.

You really believe in Leap Day William?

I used to.

Then I tried to eat all this benihana.

Now I don't know anymore.

I gotta take a walk.

Do some thinking.

But I can explain.

I'm Leap Day Williams!

No, really!

Please, believe me.

Have a little faith.

Oh, boy.

I'm getting sleepy.

Wow, you're famous.

I have screen grabs of all your nip s.

You know what, Thad?
I was trying to remember.

What was the dance that Rolf
did for Liesl?

Did it go like this?

Oh, yes.

That's it.

That's how Rolf danced.


Why don't you go and get me
and Liz some drinks?

Very well.

Liz, a moment, please?

If you're really gonna do this,
you better get a move on.

Right now, there are models waking up

from their coke binges,
multi-ethnic bartenders

with daddy issues, former
ballerinas who had to quit

because their boobs got too big.

They're gonna hear about
the horny billionaire,

and Thad's gonna forget all
about his little crush.

They're coming Liz.
Click click.

That's their stilettos.

Click click.


Sir, you don't look so good.

You shouldn't have eaten
those rhubarb leaves.

I can't be sick.

I won't lose money on Leap Day.

I'm just gonna rest a second.

Please get better, sir.

I've dug too many graves.

Why the long face, son?

I do have a long,
elegant face, thank you,

but I can't enjoy your
compliment, because I'm sad.

I'm starting to think Leap Day
William isn't even real.

I reckon you may be right.

Leap Day William's probably
just a tall tale told to kids

to help sell candy.

But this old fool
still believes he exists,

right here, inside all of us.

I am always coughing up blood.

Could that be Leap Day William
trying to get out?

Might could be, but I think if
he were here right now,

Leap Day William would tell you

everything's gonna be all right, Tracy,

as long as you remember
where you come from.


Nice costume, by the way.

Right, costume.

So, what should we do now?

Stop pressuring me.

What are you?
An intercourse monster?

I'm sorry.
I'm nervous.

Is sex like when the Na'vi
intertwine their hair braids?


Yeah, Thad, that's exactly
what it's like.

Okay, look, if we're gonna do this,

we kinda need to do it now,
okay, before...

Oh, no.

Aw, damn it.
Hot bitches.

Wake up, sir!

Wake up.

What is this?

Kenneth, is that me?

Oh, I'm not Kenneth.

I'm the spirit of Leap Day.

Welcome to your Leap Day past.

Jackie, we can't go to the parade today.

I got called into work... at the
hospital... where I'm a nurse.

Why are you showing me this?

This is the kind of adversity

that made me the man I am today.

Good. Cry.

Let your sadness form a hole inside you

that can only be filled with money.

Of course we're going to
the parade today, Jackie.

But you can't have candy and cigarettes

without a few tears first.

How did I forget this part?

And when did we stop giving
children cigarettes?

It's the liberal war on Leap Day.

It's time to go, Mr. Donaghy.

Welcome to Leap Day present.

Okay, I'll change me eye color,

but it seem like a waste of voodoo.

Good night, Mr. Donaghy.

Sorry, baby.

Daddy not coming home
tonight because of work.

It's a good lesson.

This will help her in life.

Are you sure?

Welcome to the future.

Five leap days from now.

That's Liddy.

I assume this is her horse stable

and that she's hammering
that nail as a funny joke.

No, Mr. Donaghy.

She's doing habitat for humanity.

After you missed all her leap days,

she started experimenting
with liberalism.

That's not her.
It can't be.

What have you done with my daughter?

Where is Liddy?

She's at home, sir.

With the nanny.

There's still time.

Kenneth, I want you to go to citarella

and buy the biggest rhubarb there is.

The one that's as big as me, sir?

That's the one.

But first, you take Rebecca
Birdstein to the vet.

What a Mitzvah.

Merry Leap Day, sir.

Merry Leap Day to us all!

Liz, why don't you go and...

Get you and Karolina some drinks?

Okay, fine.

Looks like this time the male
will be in the Czech.

That kind of wit is a thing
she will never give you.

Hey, Liz, a gym teacher on
a sex tour of Indonesia called.

He wants his shirt back.

Okay, that's solid, Kurkova.

That's a good burn.

What was that old man trying to tell me?

What am I gonna do with
all this free food?

Remember where I came from.

But we all came from the sea.

Like the letter "C",
which is part of the alphabet.

Alphabet soup.

Soup kitchen.

- Kitchen...
- No, no, don't keep going.

The kitchen debate with Richard Nixon.

Richard M. Nixon.

The M-train.

Soul train.

Chicken soup for the soul.

Chicken soup.

Soup kitchen.

This is a Leap Day miracle!

Merry Leap Day, tourists.

Merry Leap Day, closeted gay
guys meeting in the city.

# God bless you on this Leap Day fair #

# a calm wind and the ocean air #


Seriously 20 million bucks?

I would sleep with Thad Warmald for that.

Couldn't go through with it.

You know, I just kept seeing your face.

Also, I have too much dignity.

Mmm, so another woman?

- Victoria's secret model.
- Oh.

Feast, homeless, feast!

I saved Leap Day!

And connected with my son!

And I solved the big case from earlier!

Merry Leap Day, everybody!

Take a leap, pal!

That's the spirit!

# Leap Day magic's all around #

# as Leap Day William comes to town #

Happy Leap Day, sweetheart.


# He knows when you are bad or good #

# he knows when you're asleep #

# he knows...
Oh, my God, behind you!

Well, I guess we all
learned something tonight

about love and friendship,

about taking chances,

about the true meaning of Leap Day.

But, these lessons aren't good
just for every four years.

No. They're good every year.

Because we should live every day

as if it's Leap Day, and every Leap Day

as if it's your last.

Oh, and if you should ever see
an old man in a blue suit

busting out of the middle of the ocean,

take the time to say howdy.

It might just be worth your while.