30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 6, Episode 6 - Hey, Baby, What's Wrong?: Part 1 - full transcript

Liz, there's someone
in the apartment.

♪ Someone who thinks
you're special ♪

♪ in every single way

♪ I wrote this song
to wish you ♪

♪ a happy Valentine's Day

♪ and the chorus goes here

♪ yeah this is where
the chorus goes ♪

Criss, I...

♪ I didn't have time
to write it ♪

♪ but the chorus goes here

♪ Yeah!
This is the chorus ♪



Criss! Criss, it's okay.

I really don't care about
Valentine's.

But you're a lady.

Right?

Why haven't I seen pictures
of you as a baby?

You know what I like
to celebrate on February 14th?

The 1920 founding of
the league of women voters

in Chicago, Illinois.

They were
supposed to meet

on the 13th,
but they all got lost, so...

But Valentine's Day
is fun, Liz.

I wrote you a song,

I found you an awesome clip
on Youtube.

Good morning, everybody.



I'm hanging out with
my friend, John.

Fox 5 morning news starts...
Look over there.

And it starts right now.

Oh, boy.

And that's
just the beginning.

All right, Chros,
all right.

What else do you have planned?

I don't know.

How about dinner
at some place amazing?

You're kidding, right?

It's New York, on Valentine's.

You need a reservation.

All right, so I'll make one.

Right now.

No, it's too late.

Happy
"league of women voters day."

Oh, I've got a better idea.

I will make you dinner at home.

Mashed potatoes
in a Martini glass,

we'll open some of that wine
we didn't give the super

for Christmas because you
decided it would come off

as racist.

Oh, I'm glad we gave him
those G.E.D. books instead.

We're gonna
use real silverware.

We're gonna light some candles.

We'll play the soundtrack
to Major League.

You're making fun of me,
but that love song is awesome.

All in the comfort
of our own living room.

Look, Criss, you need to know
what you're up against here.

I am 0 for 40
on Valentine's Day.

I will waste you!

You'll have to go through
this old bastard first!

Bon Jovi.

No, no, no, no, no,
Lemon.

Uh, Liz,

you know, my mom did just die.

Will you be my Valentine?

I just realized I'm gay.

If this is going
to be "unterrible"

for the first time ever,

I'm not eating off
a coffee table.

Well, you know,
for thousands of years

Japanese diners have used
traditional tatami mats...

Whoa, okay, no, no, no.

We'll get a real table.

But we're going
to need one by tonight.

That leaves us
only one option.

We, as a couple,

are going to Ikea.

Were you playing golf?

It's freezing out.

Yes, I was.

In Avery's absence, I have
extra time each day to, uh,

how do I put this?

Release some energy.

Are we talking
about something gross?

My animus has become pent up.

Why don't you just
come out and say

you haven't had

"mommy-daddy
sheet monster times."

I'm not about to cheat
on the woman I love,

and I've never "mommy-daddy
sheet monstered" myself.

Never? Not even during
the Love Boat reunion?

Anyway, sorry you're alone.

I certainly know what it's like

to have
a crummy Valentine's Day.

We're not going to chili's
until I hit one.

Go tell the guy the machine's
not fast enough.

Ow!

I would kill to get hit in the
crotch by a baseball today.

Not only is my wife
12,000 miles away,

my mother-in-law
has decided to visit.

Oh, no. I've never had
a mother-in-law,

but I have seen
Everybody loves Raymond.

"Debra, where's the figurine
I gave you?

Raymond, I gave Debra
a figurine."

"Ma!"

The Jessups are very white
and very proper.

The first Jessup moved
to this country in 1760

to avoid an embarrassing
regifting incident.

But, my lord, I gave you these
dueling pistols last yuletide.

Yes, of course.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

It's been difficult
to get Diana to acknowledge

the reality of what's happened
to her daughter.

What is she,
an Egyptian crocodile?

'Cause she is in "denial."

I've had two coffees.

Anyway,
you'll be happy to hear

that I am giving Valentine's

a second chance this year.

Oh, and here we are on six.
For the first...

What a shame.

It felt like we were
just getting started.

"Ma!"

30 ROCK
S06 Ep. 06 - Hey, Baby, What's Wrong

Hazel, most people think
of Valentine's Day

as a celebration of the burning
of a catholic loudmouth, but

it's also about love.

And escort prices
going way up.

Okay, so, how appropriate
that on Valentine's,

I introduce you to
the new love of your life:

This job, and everyone here.

This is kind of the nerve center of
TGS..., the page desk.

I've had a desk before.

I managed
a haunted house upstate.

But, as you know,

the haunted house industry
is a real boys' club.

Sure, it's hard,

changing careers at my age.

Well, I wouldn't know anything

about being too old
for something.

But here I am, in New York,
living at a 24 hour fitness,

just ready to be inspired.

Hazel, right?

Yeah.

It's so great to have a woman
page here...

Thanks.

To test unapproved Japanese
medications on.

Swallow.

Swallow.

Good girl.

Now, let me know if all
your pubic hair falls out.

Oh, my God!

Oh, no, that's what
it's supposed to do.

I want to make sure
it doesn't cause seizures.

Sorry to crash
this sausage party...

Unnecessary.

But I have an emergency.

Sebastian, the producer of
America's kidz got singing,

OD'd last night
in Guy Fieri's apartment.

Oh, my God, that's terrible.

Terrible for me.

Oh, my God, that's terrible.

Tonight's our first live show,
I'm singing,

and we don't have
a line producer.

So I need to borrow Pete.

On Valentine's Day?

No, Pete's got to
go home to his wife.

Actually, Paula didn't want
to do anything for Valentine's,

so she's just going
out to dinner

with her tennis instructor,
mark.

Perfect.
Sound check's at 1:00.

I'm having Sebastian's lucky
earring sent from the morgue.

Wear it.

So you're not spending
tonight with Paul?

No, Paul's been performing on

a transvestite cruise
for the last month.

It's called "Caribbean queens"
for emphasize "No more love on the run".

Billy Ocean is furious,
and very litigious.

But he's powerless as long as they
stay in international waters.

Sure.

Since you asked,
Criss and I are going to Ikea.

For the hate-sex
after your fight?

Good idea.

No, we're not going to fight.

We're getting one thing.

I have a plan...

Nah,
you're going to fight.

Ikea's where I used
to go pick up

newly-single vulnerable chicks.

I've gotten women there two,
three points hotter than me.

So, you know...fours.

Look, I don't want to go.

But we need a table.

And if Criss thinks he's the guy
to get Liz Lemon on board

with "Saint
lame-entine's nay"...

Oh, honey, that sucks.

We better be able to survive
a simple trip to Ikea.

No, Liz, don't test it.

Especially this early
in a relationship.

It's like when Mickey Rourke
tested his catapult on me.

Wow, I was almost listening.

Where are you going?

You never take my advice.

Ms. Maroney.

Oh, thank you, Kenneth.

We'll take a pube count,
but it doesn't feel worth it.

Maybe I'm hitting
them too hard.

And I should not have walked
past that sporting goods store

where the mannequins
have nipples.

And what race were
those mannequins,

because their skin was gray.

They were like
faceless sex aliens.

- Jack.
- Oh.

Diana, you're here,
I thought you'd be at the house.

Oh, yes, I dropped my bags off
and shook hands with the baby,

but I wanted to come talk
to you about Avery's situation.

Oh, what situation is that?

According to
your Christmas letter,

Avery is in Asia on business.

You know
that she was kidnapped

by the north Korean
secret police.

Don't be vulgar.

As we said in the letter,
she'll be back soon

with some charming
Asian ceramics.

I'm sorry, but who is this
"we" you keep referring to?

Your husband has been dead
for 15 years.

Wonderful news. You know
our pacing horse, squanto?

She's foaling in the spring.

Diana, I know
the Jessups don't like

to talk about
unpleasant matters.

But sometimes I feel like

I'm the only person trying
to get Avery back.

Well, that is what
I wanted to discuss.

It has been months, and I feel
like nothing has happened.

Diana,

extracting an American
from North Korea is a, uh...

Oh.

Is a lot more difficult
than organizing

a round-Robin paddle
tennis tournament.

What about organizing

three round-Robin paddle
tennis tournaments?

I heard that one
of them was a disaster.

Who told you that?

Bebe Butler?

Oh, she's trying
to destroy me.

This situation has
become embarrassing.

One of Frederick's
old Washington friends

has some connections with
the Transylvanian consulate

at the united nations.

I made an appointment
for both of us.

Let me stop you right there.

I've been to the U.N.
repeatedly.

Mein herr,
meine frau Avery Jessup...

Kim Jong-Il
vuvuzela

Charlize Theron...

Boomerang my Sheila back

to her Joey, mate.

And it's gotten me nowhere.

The U.N. is
a useless organization,

with a ridiculous army.

Robin's egg blue helmets?

Great camouflage,

if you're invading
an easter egg hunt.

Jack, perhaps you're
not having success

because of that attitude.

I find you catch
more flies with honey.

First of all,
why do you want flies?

Our appointment is at 11:00.

Strewth, what a bull-dingered

Valentine's Day.

Oh, and Jack?

I speak Australian.

Wow, let ferry ride,

was the first time when we've
ever been on a boat together.

Unless you count that time
when the goose chased you

into the Central Park boat pond.

Criss, I need
to ask you something.

Have you ever been to an Ikea?

Do you know what
we're walking into?

You know what?
I like myself.

I have good taste in drapes.

I wish I'd died on Iwo Jima
and never met you.

Whoa.

What was that?

Not us.

We are a good team,
and we have a plan.

We're going to go in, get the
kurtz with the birch veneer,

and then get out.

Then go home and have
an amazing night together.

I just got my period.

Liz, what are
you worried about?

Come on,
this is gonna be fun.

I'm going back
to those cute bowls.

I swear to God,
I will stab you!

So tense.

Just like my mom's back.

Dude, what was that?

I just don't want
to be alone today.

In 48 years, I haven't
had one good Valentine's.

Man, if I weren't
with Lynn now

we could team up.

Valentine's Day
is the perfect time

to meet vulnerable women.

It's scumbag Christmas!

Just tell me what to do.

Look, guys like us have
to pick low-hanging fruit.

We look like Far side drawings.

So we go where women are
sad, desperate, and weak...

Cat shelters, blood banks,
the ice cream stand

at a Celtic woman concert...
And we strike.

Another good place
is the beauty salon,

where white girls try
to do black hair.

Sisters come out crying, feeling
all bad about themselves,

and we walk up on them all,

"Hey, baby,
what's wrong?"

You're married,
I actually have a girlfriend,

all our dirtbag knowledge
is going to go to waste.

No, it's not.

Lutz, prepare for
the adventure of a lifetime.

Then after we watch
Fievel goes west,

we're gonna get you some action.

Hey, you needed to see me?

Did you book a female
hair-person for me tonight?

Who's Karen?

I need someone named Trentence,
or Orbino.

Get in the game, Pete.
Your star is freaking out.

What are you freaking
out about?

You sing live all the time.

This is different.

It's not some rinky-dink
late night show

that a bald idiot produces.

It's the largest audience
I've ever performed for.

And after spending all season
ripping cute kids new ones,

everyone wants me to fail.

Tomorrow night on
America's kidz got singing,

the judge becomes
the opposite of the judge.

Come on, guys,
a little effort.

Jenna Maroney's singing live,

and all of America is just
waiting for that

To get over and over
and over again with a.

Nice bleeping.
Sorry about earlier.

Jenna, you need to relax.

Listen up, if tonight isn't
a huge "jiumph,"

which is short for
"Jenna triumph,"

it's on you.

And like all celebrities,

I'm very good
at shifting the blame.

I attacked Nancy Kerrigan.

- Did you get my message?
- Yes, your excellency.

And I also wish you,

a "bear-y" happy
Valentine's Day.

He said it'll be another hour.

The assistant attache has
a few minutes around 14:30.

14:30? You do know that this
office is in America, right?

Do you see a 14
on my watch?

Yes, it's the date.

Happy Valentine's Day.

That's cute.

And what insolvent country
do you come from?

New Jersey.
I'm just a weirdo.

Will you please
stop being so hostile?

You just make everything worse.

No wonder you haven't
accomplished anything.

You know what?
Avery loved a good fight.

She used to call the cable
company and dispute our bill,

just for the sport of it.

She wouldn't stand for
this dog and pony show.

I have organized several
dog and pony shows,

and I'm offended
by what you're implying.

How are you Avery's mother?

We have a few things
in common, Jack.

We both married much,
much older men,

which can be hard,

or, more often, flaccid.

I have an idea. Maybe,
we just don't talk at all.

Maybe we sit quietly
and read our, uh,

soccer magazine.

Mr. Jordan's lizard, Jeremy,

is always escaping
and biting everyone.

Like owner, like lizard.

Oh, man.

That's why Mr. Jordan got him
a GPS collar.

Now it's easier to find...

Huh, well that can't be.

It says he's inside the room.

Maybe you're reading it wrong?

Three feet, two feet,

it says he's right on top of us.

Oh!

Oh, my God, my face.

Oh! Oh!

He's mating with my mouth.

He likes you!

Here's a good one.

Go to a strip club
on Father's Day,

and shout things like,

"I'm proud of you!"

Classic.

Where's Pete?

I just dyed my gums because I
want them to pop on camera.

But now they're burning.

Another way
to meet damaged women

is to hang out with actresses.

Actresses?

Where? How young are they?

I'll do nudity.

Back in the day,
used to work as a stock boy

in a chic uptown
department store,

called "Ray-Ray's discount
clothes bucket."

I would go to
the swimsuit section

and switch the tags.

I'd take a size six and put
a size twelve sticker on it.

And then some thick girl
would try to squeeze into it,

and come out of
the dressing room like,

"I've gotten bigger.
Why do I even bother dieting?"

And I'm all like,

"Hey, baby, what's wrong?"

You know, a great place to meet
vulnerable women is weight watchers.

I did "watchers"
to stay pageant-fit,

but it was too much math
for a six-year-old.

Thank God I found cigarettes.

"Weight watchers," got it.

And if worse comes to worse,

make the lady feel vulnerable.

Check this out.

Aah!

Oh, baby, did someone
throw cereal on you?

Let's get you out
of these wet clothes.

Oh, what is wrong
with you people?

Whatever.

Jeremy says she's
a tease anyway.

Now, let's hit
weight watchers.

How is there
no signal in here?

Silence, prisoner.

I mean, can I help you,
valued customer?

Ah, there you are.

What are you doing?

Buying stuff for tonight,

to make it awesome.

Look, salt and pepper shakers.

You put them together,
it makes a heart.

Take them apart,
two red sperms.

We're not getting that.

What's with
the "neggy" vibes, jeez.

I can get things.

Not if you're
not paying for them.

Heh!

Let's go get that table,
buddy.

Ikea.

First things first.

I am from Transylvania,

but I am not a vampire.

I'm just a night owl with
a terrible garlic allergy.

So, this is regarding that boy

who went missing in my castle?

No, we're here about my wife.

My daughter, Avery Jessup,
she's in North Korea.

Ah, yes, the Jessup case.

Yes, I would like to speak
to Kim Jong-Un, immediately.

That is unacceptable.

I understand.

The operator wouldn't let
me dial long-distance.

So, thank you both for coming.

Oh, no.

That is exactly what
I expected would happen.

Oh, does that hurt?

Well, I'm so sorry.

Well that is just
the beginning, you...penis!

This isn't some
idiotic civil war

in some country without oil.

This is my favorite daughter.

And she is a beautiful
white American.

So why the fudge isn't

everyone fudging freaking
the fudge out!

She's right.

You are a penis!

I'm going to call security.

One of the guys has a whistle.

Vampire push.

Did you just threaten her?

I want you to apologize
to this woman, right now.

I am a very powerful man.

I can see to it
that Transylvania

never sees another
episode of Friends.

No! Monica and Chandler just
slept together in London.

I'm... I'm sorry.

Okay. Now admit
the U.N. is useless.

It is. Half the building
is a laser tag arena.

Admit it's annoying
when Bono comes around.

Oh, it's the worst.

Every time he says he's not
hungry when we collect money

for pizza, and then
he eats, like, three slices.

Oh, you disgust me.

Come on, let's go.

Oh, and, Cjokula,

at Monica and Chandler's
wedding,

Rachel's the one
who is pregnant.

Ah, finally, tables.

Stop walking so close to me!

I'm sorry.

It's this place.

But also, if you would
just let me get a few steps

ahead of you first,
and then you walk?

I found it.

Nice.

What?

Eh, it's nice, it's just...

I don't know if I'm feeling it,
you know?

What about this idea?

I know a guy who cuts glass...

No. I took measurements,

I looked at colors,
we came here.

This is the plan.

Yeah, it's just
that this table,

it feels kind of uptight.

And I think something
a little more fun

would be a better table,
for me.

Oh, well,
I don't know, Criss.

Maybe a more fun table
wouldn't be as supportive.

Mm.

What? No, no,
we are not doing this.

We are not letting this table

be a metaphor
for our relationship.

That's what Ikea wants us to do.

I'm just not sure my chair
wants to be with this table.

Why, because
deep down your chair

would rather be
with other chairs?

Wow, I think the table

needs to stop listening
to its mother.

Well, it's just
the table thinks the chair

takes too many camping trips
with Richard.

Almost there, teammate.

To the warehouse!

Seriously?
"Zoo York."

Okay, everybody,
sound check for Ms. Maroney.

No, I don't want
a live band.

Live bands make mistakes.

Pete, I have
made love to Alfonso,

he can't keep rhythm,
get him out of here.

That's a wrap on Alfonso.

Alfonso Disparioso, everybody.

This is your moment.

The world breathes for you.

I love you, myself.

And playback.

♪ Just you and I

Jenna, you're not singing.

Yes, I am.

♪ We'll build
our dreams together ♪

♪ Be all right

I'm sorry I was such
an Italian in there,

but that was unacceptable.

No, you were wonderful.

The way your eyes went dead,
just like Avery's.

I didn't know you
had that in you.

"Yosemite Sam" was based
on my grandfather,

so yes, I do have a temper.

There are a lot of things
you don't know about me, Jack.

In 1978, I was in Playboy,
just wearing a necktie

and holding hands
with a black girl.

How could I have ever said

that you're not
your daughter's mother.

Those incredible cheekbones,
like an evil Disney queen.

No, I misjudged you.

The way you broke
that man down

like a folding table
at a dog and pony show.

And I am sorry I compared you
to my late husband.

You are not some
liver-spotted old man

constantly spilling hot tea
in his lap

until his whole crotch
was useless.

Useless!

You are young.

You are virile.

Your hair, like a lion's mane.

My eyes,
like two pools of ice water.

Ah, let's keep walking,

in the cold.

Yes.

Do you like baseball?
Let's talk about baseball.

I love baseball.
Abner Doubleday.

- The bats are long and hard.
- The gloves are girls.

- Balls!
- Jeter's thighs in those pants.

New topic.

Aaaa!

You know, it's funny.

If those teeth were
in your vagina,

you'd be considered a monster.

Well, Jenna, there's nothing
physically wrong with you.

That's impossible.

Why can't I sing?

Well, it must be
psychosomatic.

Don't worry, that's just
a fancy doctor word

for "your brain is broken."

Unfortunately, there's
no field of medicine

that deals with the brain.

But, I can give you
a pamphlet for a cult.

You don't understand.

This is how
I make my living.

Like me and my cell phone
bedazzling.

I have to be able to sing.

Maybe you're shutting down
because of all the pressure.

There is a lot riding
on this performance.

Pressure? That's ridiculous.

Pressure is trying
to pass for four

when you just turned seven,

at the "Miss Toddler
Panama city" pageant.

You're crammed into
the same five-inch heels

you wore the year before,
blood pooling in your toes.

But you know if you don't win,

mom can't fix the hole
in the gator fence,

so you'll be up all night,

stabbing gators.

Pressure is performing
on a party boat

that catches on fire,

your throat burning
from the smoke.

You still sing so beautifully
that it calms the passengers,

so that you
and the crew can escape.

Pressure...

It's the "Rule of threes,"
Pete.

Is singing the Yemeni national
anthem

while a handsome but ruthless
general pushes a scimitar

into your neck,

Kristin Chenoweth's
corpse at your feet.

That's pressure.

This live show is nothing.

Well, there's something
weird going on here.

You feel that
sexual energy too?

I mean, but... it would
be wrong to act on it.

Well, it's 5:00 somewhere.

No, this isn't happening.
They're sold out.

This is why you don't
just choose one option.

We were in a room full
of tables.

No, this is why you
don't waste 45 minutes

wandering around the
"Valentine's marketplace."

Trying to find stuff
for tonight.

For you.
Really cool stuff.

You still have those salt
and pepper shakers, don't you?

Well, I don't
want them anymore.

'Cause I'm not
feeling romantic.

God, you actually got
me excited about today.

Valentine's is the worst!

It's even worse
than earth day.

You just see so many
dirty feet in sandals.

I don't know, Liz.

This could have been special.

I had stuff planned.

No, you didn't.

You wrote half a song,
and thought you'd "wing it,"

like you do with everything.

I mean, if you'd had a plan

we wouldn't even be
in this hellhole.

Good, go wide with it.
Go.

Oh, really?

Well, how's your super-planned
life going, Liz?

You're 40-something...

One! Come on, Criss.

You have no kids.

The only thing you
like about your job

is taking home free sodas.

And you're attacking
the only good thing in your life

because of a stupid table.

This isn't about the table.

This is about you never
following through on anything,

ever.

It's why you didn't
finish law school,

it's why you still aren't done
filling out your 2010 census.

Well what race am
I supposed to check?

We all come from Africa.

You know what?

Ikea tested us, we failed.

Okay, just go.

That's a good idea.

We're done here.

Yeah, we are definitely done.

Thank you.

That's why I get out of
the nidurgangur in the morning.

It's one of our cheaper beds.

There you are.

I think your break is over,
Ms. Wassername.

Did I make a mistake,
Kenneth?

A big mistake.

Tracy Jordan threw milk at you,

and you didn't even thank him?

How does that reflect
on the page program?

And our mascot, "Pagey,"
a piece of paper.

Everyone here is awful.

I need to be inspired.

I came here to start
a glamorous new life.

'Cause today,
anyone can be famous.

I mean, look at foxy knoxy.

What did she ever do
besides not kill anybody?

So, why not me?

I could have a fragrance,

or a line
of children's handbags,

or be in a reality show with
other kooky dumb sluts.

You don't think
I have dreams?

Last night, I dreamed
a baby ate my hair.

But sometimes, you have
to start at the bottom.

I'd like for you to make
a delivery for me.

And, while you're out,

think about
how your page underwear

has been handed down,
page to page,

for over 70 years.

- So, do you like music?
- Yes.

I have supported the Baltimore
Philharmonic for years.

These days, it's just a boom box
and a guy in a crab costume.

He gets shot out of
a Cannon at Ravens Games.

The city may not be thriving.

Well, it's not
just Baltimore.

We live in a benighted age.

The last time I heard
classical music on television

was Schubert's final sonata
in a commercial.

Now why would anyone
use music written by a man

dying of syphilis
to sell douches.

Because people
are getting stupider.

Think how much
Schubert accomplished

in the 31 years he was alive.

Coming through.

And then there's, uh,

this guy.

My taxes are paying
for your healthcare!

Do a sit-up!

I really
underestimated you, Jack.

Maybe we shouldn't
talk at all.

How do you think
our boys are doing in there?

I guess it's been
a pretty rough week.

Yesterday, I ate all the cheese
out of the mouse traps.

Now, who'd like to continue
this magic over drinks?

A Cosmo's five points?

Okay.

All right.

Hey, baby, what's wrong?

Nothing's wrong, you think
something's wrong with me?

What's wrong with you?

Um, didn't the white lady
just mess up your hair?

I work for the post office,
I was delivering a package.

But you think
my hair's messed up?

No, I...

You're gonna tell me
about black lady hair,

you "Louie Anderson"
little bitch?

Run! Run for your life!

Hi.

Are you shopping for someone?

Um...

Do you know what size she is?

No. I don't know. Maybe. No.

I see.

It's okay.

I have an Uncle who uses
my discount here all the time.

I'll take it.

Okay, Jenna.

I think I know what
your problem is.

It's the "yips."

When will congress
pass a law

to get those bastards
out of our country?

No, no. The "yips"
is something

that happens to athletes.

They get in their heads,

and stop being able
to do stuff

they've done a million times.

Like, bet me during a poker
game at Tony Romo's house?

I know you don't think it's
mental, but it is.

And, I get it.

- It's scary to admit...
- How would you know?

Because it happened to me!

I was the best they'd
ever seen, and I blew it!

Peter Hornberger, a shoo-in
for this Olympic squad,

about to arch.

You're going to want
to watch this, folks,

so put down your Rubik's cube,

turn off that Yakov Smirnoff
standup tape,

and set all your
swatches to right now.

I've been shot!

Someone run into town
and find a payphone!

This happened to you?
We have something in common?

Ick.

Look, tonight is huge
for you, and for me.

If this goes well,
it could get us both out

of the late-night ghetto.

Because you and me?

We're prime-time, baby.

Fine, it's mental.

I have the "yips."

What am I supposed to do?

Okay, we don't have
a lot of time.

So, maybe just by acknowledging
the problem,

we fixed it?

I think we did.

I'm cured!

♪ Just you and I

It's worse.

I can't open my mouth.

Happy
Valentine's to the two lovers.

Come into my restaurant
for the romance.

Oh, no, no, no,
we're not together.

What?

But, this is a crime.

Such a beautiful,
age-appropriate couple.

You are perfect together.

You are like pasta,
and a mouth.

Do you not think that
she's beautiful?

Yes, empirically
she is attractive.

And is he not handsome,
with hair like black vermicelli?

Yes, he is handsome,
but...

The only "but" we speak
of tonight,

is the butt of the human ass.

Valentine's,
she is a celebration

of love, and sex,

and touch.

Come inside,

and have the most romantic
notte of your lives.

We have a unisex bathroom,

with, come si dice,

uh, no lock,
and extra mirrors.

I have to go check on Liddy.

I have to go walk
around the park.

Maybe forever.

Darn it,
what am I doing wrong?

This is it, Lutz.

The Ikea parking lot.

If you can't close
the deal here,

you're on your own.

Back in the day,

you know how many women me and
Lamar Odom's dad picked up here?

And keep in mind,
back then this was a marsh,

where people came
to shoot at fish.

There's your
low-hanging fruit.

We can teach you no more.

Fly, Lutz, fly.

Hey, baby, what's wrong?

Lutz?

Mom-boss?

What are you doing?

Oh, my God,
Lutz just hit on Liz.

About time.

The last six years has been
like watching Moonlighting.

Hang on, were
you hitting on me?

I'm sorry.

I just wanted to have
a nice Valentine's Day,

so Frank and Tracy tried
to help me out.

But I keep screwing up.

Every time I get
a good thing going,

I do something stupid
and blow it.

You want to know the reason
why Lutz is alone?

Lutz!

And Dollhouse penis syndrome.

Oh, my God.

I'm female Lutz.

I love you too.

No, I mean...

I'm my own worst enemy.

Do you want to know
the reason Liz is alone?

Liz.

Also I menstruate a lot.

Oh, God, does this mean
I have to change?

Oh, I have to go back
and be the bigger person?

What if Criss already left
and I have to go find him?

It's so cold.

Oh, realizations
are the worst.

Excuse me,
are you Jenna Maroney?

Oh, my goodness,
are these for me?

Yes.

For your grave.

I hope you die
out there tonight.

Dude, that was a disaster.

Worse than me trying
to send a fax.

50 straight
Valentine's days alone.

I mean, 48.

Are you crazy?

You're not alone.

You spent Valentine's with us.

Yeah, two people who care
enough about your sexual needs

to blow off their wives
and girlfriends.

- Oh, no.
- Uh-oh.

Right now, Angie's
in a hotel room

dressed as a clown.

And I'm supposed to get
into an elephant costume

and interview her for
a job at the circus.

I spent Valentine's Day
with friends.

Friends?

We are work acquaintances
at best.

At worst, we are rivals

who inspire and try
to make each other better.

Now let's go get
some tiny meatballs.

Meatballs, here we come!

Meatballs!

Pick up your phone, Criss.

Jack, I can't talk.

I am mentally writing
an apology,

and it's giving me
a tension headache,

and I am so cold!

I want to have sex
with Avery's mother.

No! You can't do that.

I know.

And maybe it's just
the loneliness,

and the frustration,

and stupid Valentine's Day.

But she's amazing.

And come on, didn't our friends
the ancient Olmecs

bed both mother and daughter
to satisfy their Jaguar gods?

- And everybody loves them.
- Jack, listen to me.

That is wrong
on so many levels.

You can never sleep with her,

never, never, ever, ever...

Never, ever, ever.
Never, ever, ever, ever!

I get it, Lemon.
Thank you.

Just hearing your labored
breathing while you

walk up stairs has purged me
of all sexual desire.

Yeah, well,
glad I could help.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to clean up

the mess I made here with...

Criss.

You're still here.

I tried to call you.

20 missed calls?
How did...

Right.

My ringtone is
the sounds of cooking.

Which is perfect,
because I love cooking.

But when I'm cooking...

Lemon, please hang up,

I can't listen
to any more of this.

Oh, yeah.
Look...

I was planning on saying
"it was my fault,"

and, "please, let's
get back together."

But, it doesn't
look like I need to.

What do you mean,
"get back together"?

You thought we broke up
because of that fight?

No, that would be idiotic.

You wanted a table,
I wasn't super-helpful.

Who cares?
I tend to care, you know...

I let little things
ruin stuff.

I mean, I stopped shopping
at kmart because I found out

that Kathy Ireland didn't design
any of her signature socks.

But maybe, after 40 years...

41.

- I can change.
- Eh, don't bother.

You can get mad at dumb stuff.
That's your thing.

I'll get over it.
That's my thing.

It's kind of perfect.

But how are we ever
going to break up?

I don't know,
maybe we never will.

Maybe we'll still be celebrating
Valentine's together

100 years from now.

Do you think
our ape overlords will let us?

Oh, they'll let you and me
do whatever we want,

because we'll be spying
on the rest of humanity

for the ape police.

Wait, where did
you get a table?

I made it.

I gathered fallen tree branches
from Riverside Park.

That's where we first met.

Yeah. And the top
is a Herman Cain poster

I found in a dumpster.

Aw.

Excuse me?

I have a package for Liz Lemon.

Oh, sure, come in.

You're the head writer
TGS?

But you're so beautiful.

Charlie what now?

I love your brown hair.

It's so bouncy, like the
"after" picture in a lice ad.

Thank you.

It's from intermittent washing.

And you own this place?

Yeah.

Holy Moly, there's stairs?

And a dining room table?

Is this your boyfriend?

Yeah. He made me dinner.

Mashed potatoes
in a Martini glass.

Who are you, the president?

Of France?

I know, right?

You are an inspiration,
Liz Lemon.

I am an inspiration.

I'll see you at work tomorrow.

Happy Valentine's Day.

You too.

I want your life.

And I will have it.

I like her.

- 45 seconds.
- Jenna.

This is a nightmare.

My Nemeses, Abigail Breslin
and the woman

from those progressive
insurance commercials,

are in the audience.

Just, relax... panic, don't.

You failed me, Pete.

And when I go down,
I'm taking you with me.

You'll never work again.

But I have five kids.

And grandkids can't
be far behind,

little Evelyn's so sexual.

30 seconds.

These shoes hurt, mommy.

Good. Focus on the pain,

not on the fact that
if you lose,

I'm gonna pour acid
on your Barbies.

Okay, come on.

Huh.

The shoes.

The fire.

The sword.

It's the pain.

She needs the pain
to distract her.

I need to hurt her,

but she's all the way
over there.

How could I possib...

Come on, Hornberger.

Archer...

Arch!

♪ Just you and I

♪ sharing our love together

♪ and I know in time

♪ we'll build the dreams
we treasure ♪

Is she bleeding?

It looks like an arrow wound.

Oh, Jack.

I didn't know you'd
be down here.

Oh, nice place.

What did you pay for
all this wood?

I don't believe we've met.

Jack, this is...

Someone I saw fighting with
a dog outside a liquor store.

I'm Herb.

'Cause you are what you smoke,
right "Jackie"?

Hey, where's the head?

We're in mixed company,

but let's just say I've got
to go wreck your toilet.

It's down that hallway
on the right-hand side.

Mm.

Diana, don't do this.

I'm lonely, Jack.

So am I.

Believe me,
I know how you feel.

Being alone
on Valentine's Day,

frustrated
in all kinds of ways.

Just wanting a connection,

to hold someone's hand.

Ideally when she's wearing
only a necktie.

But you deserve better
than Herb.

Why is this bathroom full
of wine bottles?

But what I deserve,
I shouldn't have.

Me neither.

So, what are we going
to do about it?

- Oh, baby.
- Oh, yes.

- Yes!
- Oh, that's good.

- Oh, yes.
- Oh, yeah, don't stop.

- Oh, just like that.
- Oh, yeah, but a little lower.

- Yes!
- Yeah, baby!

- Oh. Oh, yeah!
- Oh!

- Nope, nope.
- Let me have one.

Give it to him, Frank.
Give it to him, we're friends.

You can have one of mine.

♪ And I remember

♪ our first embrace

♪ that smile that was
on your face ♪

♪ Promises that we made

♪ ooh

♪ we made it you and I

Finally, I can say,

happy Valen...

Ow! My legs!

Aah!

This get me out of sex.

Oh, my God, Liz.

We're wearing
the exact same lipstick.

Looks better on you,
of course.

I wish I could just cut those
lips right off and wear them.

Happy Valentine's Day, lovers.

Happy Valentine's Day
to us all.

Oh.