30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 6, Episode 5 - Today You Are a Man - full transcript

Liz finds a secret weapon to help in her contract negotiations with Jack, Kenneth leaves his job because he feels under-appreciated, and Tracy and Jenna perform at their accountant's ungrateful son's Bar Mitzvah.

Hey, Liz. Package for you.

♪ My trio of popcorns


Sorry, Liz.

I had no other way
into the building.

And I lost
all my contacts

after I dropped my cell phone
into the penguin exhibit.


I had my birthday
at the Aquarium.

What do you want?

You're not my agent anymore.

Oh, I'm still getting your
business mail at my parents' house.

Your contract's almost up,
and Mr. Donaghy's office

sent over that new one
for you to sign.

I'm not just gonna sign
whatever Jack sends me.

That's insulting.

We haven't
even talked about this.

Well, I am
the king of renegotiation.

You watch the Wonder Pets
on Nick Jr.?

I represent the turtle
that tuck is based on.

No, thanks.

I will deal
with this myself.

Did you miss me yesterday,
Ms. Lemon?

great story.

So, Ms. Maroney,

did you miss me
while I was gone yesterday?

You weren't gone.

I saw you.

Just move.


Mr. Donaghy fired
all the pages for a day.

Didn't you notice your food
wasn't pre-chewed?

Marty Goldstein

is your accountant too,

I owe him a call.

I bet he's going
to tell me

I can't write off
all my shoplifting.


He's calling you
about his son's Bar Mitzvah.

Marty wants to pay us
crazy money just to show up.

Well, you know I'm in.

Getting paid
to help a boy become a man

is kind of my wheelhouse.

Hey, I have
a bone to pick with you.

Look at this, Lemon.

The Pentagon has hired GE

to weaponize
microwave technology.

This is amazing.

That was my old division.

If I were still there,

I would've controlled
every aspect of that project.

Planning, oversight,

morale-boosting T-shirts

everyone "survived"
a certain barbecue.

There's nothing to challenge me
here at Kabletown.

Lemon, when was
the last time I said,

"no, senator,
you're out of order"?

Well, I've got something
for you to do.

You honestly thought
I would just sign

the same deal
I got six years ago?

Well, what would we
negotiate about, Lemon?

What do you even want?

Well, for starters,

I would like
a hospital bed in my office.

A real one.

I don't care
if it's against the law

to resell them.

Oh, my God.

How far I've fallen.

I used to be a legend.

When there was
a deal no one could close,

they brought in Donaghy.

So it's agreed.

You'll be moving forward
with this partnership.

You know what,
I'm insulted

that you think it's beneath you
to negotiate with me.

Without me,
there's no "TGS,"

so like it or not,
we're getting into this.

Call my assistant
to set up a meeting.

And by your "assistant,"

you mean you
with a British accent?

I have a new assistant.

She's a cool college student

South Africa.

she'll be British.

S06 E05 - Today You Are a Man

Uh, hello?
I'm back.

What do you mean
"you're back"?

I wasn't here

Yes, you were.

You were in the kitchen
all day.

Right over...
Oh, that's a broom.

I know my job
is to serve you all,

but I thought
that after six years,

you at least thought
of me the way

an owner thinks of his dog.

- Kenneth, look...
- No, sir!

I am using my
once-in-a-lifetime interruption

to point out
I am not even a dog to you.

After all,
when a dog goes missing,

everyone's upset
'cause there's no dog milk

for the babies.

Jack wants
a real negotiation?

Well, I want a piece
of the "TGS" merchandising.

The catchphrase,
"this smells,"

I wrote that.

And when 20 cult members

jump off a bridge together
wearing "this smells" T-shirts,

I should get
a cut of that sale.

That's smart.

Here's the plan.

I need
to find a bathroom.

Oh, it's on,

Here they are!

My favorite clients.

Adam is going to be so excited
to meet with you.

He is a huge, huge fan.

Yes, many of our viewers
are obese.

Now Marty,
how Jewish is everyone here?

'Cause I may need
to change parts of my act.

These are the best clients
you could get?

Don't you represent
Gina Gershon?

My Nemesis?
My Nemesis?


You said
you loved "TGS."

I was being sarcastic.

God, I told mom I wanted

Transformer's theme
for Bar Mitzvah.

You know, this sucks.
I hate you.



We're going to go.

Don't worry
about the fee.

You can
just give it to us now.

Oh, no.
You're not going anywhere.

If my boy wants

you're gonna be

I don't think so, Marty.

If you don't
help me out here,

maybe the IRS finds out
that your nine dependents

are just vibrators.

And Tracy,
I'd hate for people to realize

that your "charity"
is just a front

that has done nothing
to make this country safer

from Godzilla attacks.

If anything,
I've increased the likelihood.

Hey, Kenneth.

No, I'm not Kenneth.

But he told me
all about you guys.

Let me guess who's who.

You must be Toofer.

I'm sorry,
who are you?

I was asking
myself that same question.

And I did not like
the answer.

So I made a change.

I'm Hazel Wassername,
and yes,

you may recognize me
from one of my two

background acting gigs.

Dr. Lingard,

we heard your daughter
take full responsibility

for her roles
in these crimes.

Where's Kenneth?

He took my spot
the Suze Orman show.

What a first day.

But you got
to roll with the punches.

Just like my hero,
Ivan Drago, from Rocky IV.

This is pathetic.

Kenneth's trying to make us
beg him to come back.

we are not doing that.

I've learned
from having children

that when your kid throws
a tantrum and holds his breath,

you hold your breath too.

When you regain

believe me, he's ready
to leave the toy store.

Finally, my client
gets 5% gross merchandising,

where gross means
income before expenses

and not gross
like apples on a sandwich.

2% salary decrease
to keep up with deflation...

Thank Obama...

And merchandising is a...


This meeting
is over.

When you have
a serious offer,

From now on,
you can deal with me directly.

Simon, you're fired.

Where did
that come from?

Are you being coached?
Is it Pat Riley?

Tell him the funmeister
says, "hi."

He'll know
what that means.

No one's helping me.

Maybe you just weren't
giving me enough credit

when you said
this was beneath you.


That's what the Donaghy method
is all about.

Use my techniques
and I don't care

who you're negotiating

You'll win.

I'm negotiating against you,

you magnificent bastard.


Charlotte Bob is in trouble.

This is the part of the movie
where I fell asleep.

Jazz is gonna get you
out of this.

Say, hey!
I am one slick brother.

This blows.

Be the robots
from NFL on FOX.


You suck.

Here's your tea,
Ms. Orman.

- There you are.
- Who are you?

What happened to Hazel?

Oh, I'm sorry,
Ms. Orman.

Hazel and I switched places.

She's over at "TGS" now,
but don't worry.

It's temporary.

I just want all
the actors and writers there

to realize
how much they miss me.

And why should
they miss you?

Well, I'd like
to think on some level,

we're all friends.

Do you socialize together
outside of work?

Do you exchange gifts?

Do you vacation together
on nonjudgmental cruise lines?

Well, no, but...

Listen, girlfriend.

You're trying
to solve an emotional problem,

but what you have
is a money problem.

You want to be "friends"
with people like

Tracy Jordan
and Jenna Maroney?

They're rich,
so show me the money.

How much do you make?

I'm not sure.

My church requires
a 110% tithe.

- How old are you?
- Don't worry about it.

How much have you saved?

Are you talking about
saving squirrels from hawks?


If you really
want to be friends

with people this,

you are going to have
to quit the page program,

and get a real job so that you
can earn for your future.


No, I can't quit
the page program.

Well then, denied!

You got the initiative.
How do you keep it?

By making
a second first impression.

You're going
to wear dark colors,

with a single power accent.

Every hair in place.

Hair movement...

Is a sign of weakness.

And whatever you do,

don't speak first.

90% of negotiations are lost
by the person who speaks first.

Because what is speaking
a sign of?


You, out.

I hate those shoes.

Oh, are we starting?

All right.
Let's start with salary.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Are you on
some subconscious level

seeing this as me
toying with your manhood?

Of course I am.

I invented that.

Boca 2002...

You've seen the tapes?

What? No.
I-I just...

You are
being coached by me.

I'm sorry, Jack.
I have to take this.

Yes, may I please speak
to pizza?

The fake phone call
to buy time in an emergency?

Classic Donaghy.

Okay, fine.
You got me.

Game over.

No, no.

This just levels
the playing field.

Going mano a mano

against a real adversary,

It's the ultimate game.

Jack Donaghy...
Playing with himself.

It's a Jack-off.

Well, great job.

Adam locked himself
in the bathroom.

If we can get him
out of there,

you two have
got to do better

than that pathetic butchering
of Who's on first?.

"Who's on first"!

That's the phrase
I couldn't remember.

What's going on here?

I think we're waiting.

I'm confused.

We make other people wait.

Forcing people to wait,
throwing things,

making crazy demands
and never being satisfied...

Adam's acting like us.

But he's not famous.

Why is the government
allowing this?

Because today,
he's the star.

A Jewish star.

If we don't make
Adam happy,

his dad is going
to tell the IRS

my house isn't a church,

although I do let children
drink wine there.

as fellow stars,

we may actually be able
to solve Adam's problem.

I mean,
when we're acting out,

what makes us happy?

When I'm acting out,

it's never
about the real problem.

Like all actors,

I'm not emotionally
mature enough

to deal with my feelings,
you fart-face.

I know you are,
but what am I?

Adam isn't upset
about us.

It's something else.

We just have
to find out

what it is
and save this Bar Mitzvah.

So you've lost the initiative,
perhaps by being a woman

or a shorter man,

but you can regain it

by fighting
on your home turf.

No one has ever
won a land war in Russia.

Not Napoleon,
not Hitler,

not even Balki
in the unaired ninth season

of Perfect strangers.

So where's your Russia?

What's your home turf?

The one place in the world
where you cannot lose.

Ice cream store.

What are you doing?

This is the men's room,

Not the C-list skank's room.

That's solid,
but that's not why we're here.

Adam, we want to help.

You're the star today.

And we know
how hard that can be.

Look, we know you're not
really mad about us.

You acting out
is about something else.

You can tell us.

We're in S.A.G.

It's just...

Everyone expects me to
dance with a girl today.

And I don't know
about girls.

I mean, I've played
this Japanese video game

where you slap prostitutes
to death,

but you only ever dance
with this penguin

named Yamagiku.

Adam, trust me.

Any girl would want
to dance with you.

You're rich.

And you're fat, so you'll die young.
Women love that.

I'm going to tell you

the same thing
I tell my son.

Put money
in the girl's mouth.

Also, my friend, Darryl,
is your real father.

Now you go get 'em.

why does my coffee order

say "the black one"
on it?


Did you put peanuts
on this?

it's delicious, hat guy.

I'm allergic!

Damn it!

I have to write a 40-word
exit evaluation of Kenneth!

I wish I was dead!

Okay, Kenneth.
You win.

Please come back.

When is my birthday?

I don't know.

When is that party you throw
that we never go to

'cause we don't know what to get
the man who has nothing.

Suze Orman was right.

I need to quit the page program
and get a real job.

You know what
we did today?

An amazing rendition
of "What's the guy's name

who plays first base?"

No, we solved a problem

by just addressing it,
head on.


what if you and I dealt with
all of our problems that way?

What if we were honest at work
about what's bothering us?

That would make everyone's
lives a whole lot better.

Like the polio vaccine.

Or a no-bottom strip club
near a Wendy's.

Let's do it, J-Mo.

Hey, Jack.

Sorry I'm so late.

You're not.

I changed
the clock on your phone.

I just got here.

I really appreciate

you coming
to my neighborhood,

my home turf,
if you will.

I see.

Well played, Jack.

You anticipated
my counter move,

"A shortness is weakness"

power axiom.

I knew that you might know

that I knew
to bring my own furniture,

so I also brought
my Jack Welch power pillow.

I'm very sorry, sir.

I thought
you might do that,

which is why I'm going
to be the first person

to do power quiet talking,

forcing you to lean in
and wonder if you're missing

any key phrases.

Like an idiot.

I thought you'd try
power quiet talking,

which is why
I'm wearing a hearing aid.


I'm everything
I hoped I'd be.

Let's begin.

2% raise,

a show on Christmas,
no gross merchandising,

and you have a run
in your stocking.

8% raise,
two weeks off at Christmas,

5% gross, and nice try.

I'm not wearing stockings.

That's a vein.

No raise,
no vacation,

and from now on,
you have to say,

"go for Liz,"
when you answer your phone.

Um, hold on a sec.

Come on, Lemon.

I'm just doing
the sorcerer's apprentice.

You respond with
a pirate holiday,

and I have no choice but
to play the hillbilly auction.

It's all on the tapes.

Ah, forget it.
This is taking too long.

I'll do both sides.

If you think I won't

do the show without Lemon,
think again.

Oh, Jack, you're bluffing.

Liz, we're out of here.

If you walk out that door,

you'll burn every bridge
she has here.

It'll be back
to submitting

topical menopause jokes
to joy behar by fax.

Oh, please.

You'd be in breach.

You'd have more lawyers on you
than a midtown hooker.

You're all talk.

It's like that time
you said you'd hit on

Carla Bruni
in front of Sarkozy,

and you totally backed down.

So did you.

Sorry, I have to take this.


It's me. Nice try.

I'm writing down a number.

Oh! You're dreaming.

Then I'd counter.
I'd reject that.

Then an elegante,
parry with an elegante primo,

5%, I demand three years...

No, that can't be right.

Elegante, elegante primo,
carry the one...

Good God.

- What?
- You won.

I did?

You got everything
you wanted.

Kabletown Jack
made a mistake,

and Lemon Jack
pounced on it.

I-me lost.

I won!

Nobody beats the Liz!

Oh, sorry.

In your face.

Mr. Hornberger.

I got the message about
the good-bye Kenneth brunch.

I can't tell you
how touched...

Yeah, that was a lie.
But look who's here?

- Double actor announcement.
- Double actor announcement.

Over the years,

we've wasted a lot of time
complaining about things

other than
what's really bothering us.

From now on,
Tracy and I

are going
to be more "haw-naist."

Instead of
just throwing tantrums,

we're going
to talk things through.

Who's that lady?

It's her fault
that it's cold in here!


Be honest.

It's not about
the air-conditioning, is it?


It's just
that I see a new page,

and I'm not used
to change.

Because I was raised
in foster care.

Sounds like
Tracy's missing someone.

He's missing me.

Boy, you are dumb sometimes.

this new page is Hazel,

Kenneth's replacement.

Kenneth wants
to leave the page program

so he can go
make more money.

But you need him here,
don't you?

Yes, I do need you, Kenneth.
I depend on you.

But I'm telling you
to go,

because now
that I'm being honest,

this job
is a dead end for you.

And it would be selfish
of me to make you stay.

Are you serious?

Now go.

Run, Kenneth.

Run before I change my mind.

Run, Kenneth!


Hey, your video says
that after a negotiation,

the winner should get
the loser a gift.

So I brought you
this popcorn tin.

There's no popcorn left,

but it makes
a great closet organizer.

Socks, underwear,

I used to be a winner.

Men wanted to be me,
women wanted to sleep with me,

bisexuals wanted to watch.

Now look at me.

A meaningless job,
I can't get my wife back.

What's the point?

Maybe I'll just quit

Go work
for a not-for-profit.

Somewhere where
there's less pressure

and the people are nice.

And I can wear sneakers
and jeans on Friday.

No, Jack, stop.

It's okay.

I hate myself.

I want to be somebody else!
I want to be a baby again!

No, no, no.
Look, you won.

I'll sign whatever.

Just don't cry.
Daddy doesn't cry.

I don't need
gross merchandising.


What are you doing?

- Proving I could win.
- God!

You were freaking me out.


Do you know
why I lost earlier?

Because of our friendship.

I want you
to have everything.

And that made me
make a mistake.

In other words,
I lost because of emotion,

which I always thought
was a weakness,

but now I've learned
it can also be a weapon.

You didn't realize
emotion could be a weapon?

Have you not read
the poetry of jewel?

The point is,

you had Liz's Jack
on your side.

And that's why
he-me beat Kabletown Jack,

until me-I turned
the tables on you-you.

So that means that
my me-I taught your you-you

a negotiation trick.

I suppose you did.


After six years,
there's still room

for growth
in this friendship.

What... why are you
signing that?

You won?

I wanted to know I could win.

I'm still going
to take care of you.

Excuse me, sirs.

Mr. Donaghy,

do you remember
the other day when you said

there are other opportunities
for me at the company?

Of course.

Well, I would like
to discuss those opportunities

with you further.

Because I am quitting
the page program.

But you have
no other skills.

He's a white male
with hair, Lemon.

The sky's the limit.

To white men!

Adam, we hear you're a Yankees fan.

Tracy, aren't you
a coach for the Yankees?

You must know
all the players.

Oh, sure.

Those players
have some crazy names.

Like Derek and Alex.

Who's on first?

we're going to get confused.

The guy who plays first
is who?

No, thank you.

I mean the fellow's name.

- Everybody.
- The guy on first.

His wife's name is don't.

What's the guy's name
on first base?

Know what
died in Vietnam.

I'm not asking you
who's on second.

Let's just agree
to disagree.

- Fourth base!
- Fourth base!