30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 6, Episode 4 - The Ballad of Kenneth Parcell - full transcript

From the director of Valentine's day

and New Year's Eve...

What? Tomorrow is Martin
Luther king day?

Yeah, and neither
of us have dates.

Too bad we're
just platonic friends.

♪ I'm just curious
about you ♪

♪ noticed you
for quite a while ♪

I have a right to love you.

Hello.

In the words
of Martin Luther King,

I've just got to go for it.



You're a white supremacist?

You guys can just do
the fun stuff.

Oh, my God.

♪ Uh-uh, oh no

All I want is one
extraordinary moment.

♪ So let's get things
started ♪

Sounds like you have a dream.

♪ Some time, you're gonna get
what you put out ♪

It's
Martin Luther King day.

So, I need you
to promote that TGS.

No, I'm not promoting
that garbage on the show.

Oh, Liz. This isn't a request,
this is an order.

I've already spoken
to Jack about it.

Wow.



Well, now I'm going
to speak to Jack about it.

The rest of you,
keep working...

Lemon, I'm sorry,

but Jenna has become
a huge star for this network.

She's bigger than Maulik
Pancholy on Whitney.

Look, I put up with
a lot from Jenna.

A couple months ago,
she cut off my ponytail

because she was jealous of the
attention that I was getting,

on my own birthday.

But this is new, going
to you behind my back?

You can't reward her for that.

My hands are tied.

But, and I will, heh,
never say this again,

you have a power that I don't.

Besides the greatest power
of all?

The ability to gestate life.

I was referring to your
unique leverage with Jenna:

Your friendship.

No, I like to keep "boss Liz"
and "friend Liz" separate,

because "boss Liz"
is all "paperwork, paperwork,"

but "friend Liz" is all "my feet
hurt, I'm staying in tonight."

Lemon, I've decided to
eliminate the NBC page program.

What?

I was in Washington yesterday

reviewing satellite images
of Avery in North Korea.

For what it's worth,
CIA analysts have confirmed

that she is, indeed,
"keeping it tight."

I don't know how this is about
my problem, but I trust you.

I'm getting there.
While I was in Washington,

I learned the house shut down
its page program.

With texting and email,
a multi-million dollar system

of pleasure slaves
is no longer needed.

Hang on, we need the pages.

Especially Kenneth.
He, uh... well, he, uh...

He always scratches
that weird part of my back

that I can't reach.

Unless...

Oh!

That's the business!

Now who's in charge,
winter dryness?

I'm hoping that a bold,
cost-cutting move like this

will impress Hank Hooper.

But I've only worked
for Hank for a year.

He's still difficult to read,

much like that memoir Reagan
wrote the week before he died.

It's, uh...scattered.

Well, now I think we're
just talking about your thing.

You tricked me.

You know how to read Jenna.

Use your power.

Oh, damn it.

I need some tape!

30 ROCK
Ep. 04 - The Ballad of Kenneth Parcell

Hey, Tray.

We just picked up your birthday
party invitations from the printer.

Wait! What is this?

"Give to charity please,
no presents"?

Yeah, that's what you
told me to put on the card.

No, Dotcom!

I said, "give to charity?
Please, no. Presents!"

Well, I'm sorry, but
you don't really need presents.

You already have everything.

I mean, you just bought Kareem
Abdul-Jabbar's bones,

and he's not even dead.

Wow.

Maybe I do have everything.

But what does that say about me?

I need time alone, guys,
to think...

About mortality.

Hey, buddy.

I thought maybe we could have
a little talk,

girl to girl.

Mm, sure.

I love light chitchat.

Did you hear about how my
fecalist murdered my kabbalist?

Wow.

Look, we're inside,
you can take off the sunglasses.

Oh.

What are those?

Leeches.
They're good for your skin,

and I've lost tons
of blood weight.

Oh, my God!

Okay, remember the pact
we made back in Chicago?

Liz, if I become famous,
will you tell me

if I start acting weird?

Definitely.
And will you do the same for me?

You? Famous? That's hilarious.

Well,
I'm invoking the pact.

You're putting leeches
on your face.

Demi Moore does it.

Plus,
it makes P.E.T.A. furious,

and if P.E.T.A. doesn't
love you or hate you,

you're a nobody,
like a soldier, or a teacher.

Jenna, take off the leeches!

I feel like I'm losing you.

I mean, we used
to get lunch every week.

When was the last time
we did that?

You know, with my fecalist
in jail,

I can eat whatever I want today.

Maybe we could go to outback...

I'm going to call ahead and

make sure we're
in Darryl's section.

Who am I?

What does it all mean?

Will I ever truly be happy?

Tray, I hate seeing
you like this.

Sitting in here listening to
your depressed thoughts CD.

What is the meaning of ...

You remember Celia's bakery
in the Bronx?

It was on the corner
of Malcolm X Boulevard

and guy who shot
Malcolm X Boulevard.

When I was a kid, I wanted
one of those pies so bad.

So I swore to myself that one
day I would become so rich

I would buy every single pie
in Celia's.

I wanted for nothing
as a child,

but that brings
its own challenges.

Shut up, Dotcom.

And now look at that kid,

he turned into
an incredibly fit genius

who has everything
he ever wanted.

So if there's no more to want,

what's the point in living?

Whoa, hang on, Tray.

You've got a family.

Great, another thing
that I've already got.

Thanks for making
this situation worse.

Should we get another one?

If you eat four,
you get a T-shirt.

So one more,
and that's two T-shirts.

Oh, no, they're here.

And you don't want
the paparazzi

taking pictures of you?

Not when I'm just trying
to have lunch

with my best friend
like a normal person.

It's like I'm in a cage.

And not the fun kind
where you dance

while U.S.C. football recruits
throw hot coins at you.

I'm sorry, do you want
to sneak out the back?

They'd be expecting that.

Would you like a chance
to be famous, Liz?

Naturally. Always.

I'm from Tampa, Florida.

Leech abuser!

Nice try, P.E.T.A. bitches.

But I saw you
hiding in the crowd.

You just threw paint
on a nobody,

who can't even ♪ sing

Make sure you get the outback sign
in the shot or I don't get paid.

Taxi!

I have good news,
and I have bad news.

The bad news is, I am shutting
down the page program.

The good news is
for a different group of people.

Uh, as the most popular page,

I feel I should say something.

Kenneth, please.

Everyone knows that Dalton
is the most popular page.

Dalton! Dalton! Dalton!

Fine, but, you can't
cancel the page program.

Who will take messages or
seat audiences or order lunch?

Today, all of those tasks can
be managed electronically.

You're just going
to automate us?

Excuse me, sir, but

this reminds me of
the tale of John Henry.

Now, gather 'round friends and...

We all know about
John Henry, Kenneth.

It's just a story.

Well then, I know
about another story

that turned out to be true.

It's about a virgin who
gave birth to a man who

had some funny ideas.

That virgin was my sister.

And her son, Lyle,
has a learning disability.

Security will escort you out.

And these uniforms are still
the property of NBC,

and we'll need them back.

You are insane!

You knew that
P.E.T.A. guy was there.

Look, I'm sorry, I couldn't be
photographed with paint on me.

I'd look like you do right now.

That is psychopath behavior.

How did I ever even become
friends with someone like you?

If I remember correctly,
Elizabeth,

we became friends because
I felt bad for you,

standing alone
at that party like a loser.

Yeah, 'cause I really
wanted to talk to the girl

who was wrestling
in a kiddie pool full of lube.

Well, what were you even doing
at that bachelor party?

Derek thought I was a guy,

and I didn't want to ruin
what was happening between us.

God, I wish my first roommate
hadn't died of old age.

Then you wouldn't have moved in,
and I wouldn't have wasted

15 years of my life trying
to make you

feel better about yourself.

'Cause guess what?

The back of your neck
does look weird.

Why would you say that?

You know I can't see it.

Oh, forget it.

I don't need you, Liz.

I have real friends now,

celebrity friends who understand
what I'm going through.

You see? Charlie from
Charlie bit my finger

and Knob Kardashian
just texted me.

They're my new besties.

Well,
I don't need you either.

I've got a new bestie too,
and her name is something cool,

like Sam, and she does
web design, maybe,

and I haven't met her yet.

Look out, New York,
Liz Lemon is 41,

covered in paint, and looking
for a new best friend.

Kenneth, you're a hard worker,

and I will find you something
else here at the company.

Not interested, sir.

I don't want to work for
an organization

that would throw away
a tradition

like the page program.

Think of all the famous people
who started as pages:

Steve Allen, Regis Philbin,

Ted Bundy, Richard Ramirez,
John Wayne gacy...

Kenneth, I'm sorry.

But progress means eliminating
useless institutions.

Well, Mr. Donaghy, there's one
thing you haven't thought of.

Who will give the NBC tours?

No machine can repla...

We're calling
it "notkenneth."

It's hard not to take
that personally, sir.

We've inputted the entire page
handbook

into notkenneth's database.

It knows everything you know,
and more.

Why, Jack, why?

"Why Jack why?"
is a 2002 episode of Will and Grace,

in which Jack, Sean Hayes,
chooses between two YMCAs.

Featuring guest stars...

Daniel Day-Lewis as gay
benchpress guy.

Hey, Sue.

What are you up to tonight?

I'm not working late again.

Why don't you write
the show yourself?

You take all the credit anyway.

I hope you dream of your death.

I was just wondering if you
wanted to go to a movie?

Oh. I can't.
I have to work late.

Hey, Hank.

I didn't think I was going to
see you until dinner tonight.

Whatever.

I don't even know if I'm coming.

Hank, is something wrong?

Jack, I bought this company
a year ago today.

Now, maybe I'm old-fashioned,

but where I come from,
anniversaries mean something.

Hank, of course I remembered
our "businessversary."

I sent a gift.

Oh, really?
Was it invisible?

Sorry.

I drove all the way
up here from Philadelphia

listening to Garrison Keillor

and just getting psyched
for a fun day.

I used our new messenger
system and sent the gift

to your office
on the 60th floor.

Ah, it didn't go to 60,
it went to 6.

What's on 6?

Oh, no!

Hey, how does
an adult make new friends?

I don't have time
for this.

Hank Hooper's businessversary
gift went to TGS.

TGSis a sketch show known for
popular characters like...

Error. Error. Error. Error.

Stop! Nerds, stop.

Stop what you are
doing immediately.

Toofer, put that glass down.

That scotch fountain obviously
was not meant for you.

Phillie phanatic,
get away from him.

None of this was meant for you.

That should have been obvious,
since a gift from me

would suggest that you
were producing good work.

You are not.

Lance Ito, you're
out of order.

Line!

This was meant
to go to the 60th floor.

It's not their fault.

It says 6th floor
on the invoice.

Must be a computer error.

Well, somebody made a mistake.

A dumb mistake.

And it wasn't the pages,
and it wasn't the computer...

Ha! It was Jack!

Guys, Jack makes dumb mistakes.

He's just like us.

He's no better than I am.

He's just got a suit.

No, no,
I am better than you, Lutz.

Someone else is to blame, and I
will find him or,

more likely, her.

He looks scared, like Lutz
on an escalator.

Twinsies!

I called the paps earlier,
and they sent Lester.

No one ever uses him.

Ugh. I'd like
to bite his finger.

Charlie.

Sweetie,

you look amazing.

Knob Kardashian,

Charlie bit my finger,

this is mankind.

And this, is Mr. Socko.

Oh, I know Mr. Socko.

Honey, I don't think
that was Madame Bovary,

I think it was Madame Ovary.

Oh, no, you went there.

Man, do my feet hurt
in heels sometimes,

and other things
that women talk about.

Can we help you?

Sorry, I'm just trying

to make a new best friend.

Oh, sweetie, honey, oh.

Yeah, it's really hard.

I mean, how did you guys
meet each other?

We were at karaoke,

and we all picked the same song.

And then when the song came up,

we all went on stage.

And everybody was like, "what?"

And then we were like,

♪ What you want?
Baby, I got it ♪

Shut up!
That's horrible.

But I get your point.

I need to go somewhere
where someone like me

would be hanging out.

But where does Liz Lemon go

when she's out on the town?

To the Barnes & Noble bathroom.

Occupied! God.

I know it is.
By my new best friend.

Hey there, Jack.

That Jenna Maroney
sure is a hoot.

I didn't care for Mr. Socko.

In my day, socks just
kept their mouth shut.

Well, Hank, you'll be
interested to know

I'm getting to the bottom of
our little gift mix-up earlier.

Really, Jack?

There's a problem
with the computer system

where it confuses 6 and 60?

I don't like your tone,
Rossitano.

Aw, it's okay.
You messed up, buddy.

Lutz, don't touch me.

Hang on, Jack.

Are these two very
ill children saying

you messed up the delivery?

That's unacceptable.

Hey, we all make mistakes.

Like farting when you're
talking to three people.

No, a mistake is something
a man does,

like going to war without
a reason,

or executing a simpleton.

What Jack did

is a "whoopsie-daisy,"
like a baby or a woman would do.

No, no, Hank.
It wasn't me,

it was the machines.

Tell him it wasn't my fault.

My fault, a short-lived NBC
game show in which homeless

people won money by confessing
to crimes they didn't commit.

Damn you.

Dam you.A beaver goes to
college in this 1987 anima...

Okay, who wants
to see the red band trailer

of Martin Luther King day?

No, we need to decide which
cell phone pictures

I'm going to leak.

Everyone, listen to Charlie
bit my finger's new song.

♪ I'm rotten
to the core mother... ♪

Quiet!

Mankind is trying to tweet about
these clowns in Congress.

Excuse me, guys.

We're not doing your things,

we're doing my me things.

You mean me, right?

Me.

- Me?
- You're all using

that word wrong.

- I'm me.
- I'm me.

Uhh! I hate it when they put the movie
poster on the cover of the book

that the movie is based on.

Let me imagine what Peeta
Mellark looks like,

and how his arms smell of bread.

Amy, this is great.

We are going to be best friends.

Where should we get dinner?

I don't trust Sushi,
Mexican gives me gas,

and I already had
a bloomin' onion today.

Me too.

Also, Ethiopian is out,

because I don't want to see a man
with a beard eat with his hands.

And nothing family style.

Ah! Why is family
a selling point?

Look at the state
of the American family.

Not something we'll ever have
to worry about at our age.

I saw a headline about those
amoebas that eat your brain,

but I didn't read the article.

Well, you didn't have time.
Our lives are half-over.

Our mothers lied to us.

Hey, you can't ride a
bike on the sidewalk.

Oh, my God, I am starving.

We have been wandering
around for...

10 minutes?

Oh, brother.

Hanging out
with me is awful.

Amy, we can't both be the
negative, judgmental one.

So what? I'm just supposed
to sit around

and listen to you complain?

No. You're supposed to be
so vacant and self-absorbed

that you just let me
vent without piling on.

I need Jenna.

I need Steffi.

They say people
who kill themselves

never regret it.

Tracy.
Tracy, stop.

I found something
for you to live for.

I already have a room full
of old black women.

No, Tray, this is Celia
Monroe, from Celia's bakery.

She lives in a nursing home
on Long Island now.

We're all
sleeping with Carl,

because he has
the most puzzles.

But we tracked her down, and she
baked you a banana cream pie, see?

That's something
you didn't have.

So that means there must be
other things I don't have.

Other reasons to live.

You guys must have went through

a lot of trouble
to show me that.

You must have been upset.

And I know how that feels,

because I've been upset.

I was very upset when you put
"no presents" on my

birthday invitations.

That's what this was about?

Why didn't you just tell us
back in your dressing room?

Because showing
is better than telling,

and my schedule
is light this week.

Thank you.

I never should have treated you
the way I did, Liz.

I need someone who has so little
going on in their life,

she lets me get
all the attention.

And I need someone in my life

who doesn't listen
to a word I say.

Thank you,
I just got it cut.

♪ Some time, you gonna get
what you put out ♪

♪ I try to stay away but
I always come back for more ♪

I was wrong.

I do need you.

You had me at
"I was wrong, I do need."

I can replace just
about everything you do,

but no machine could ever
be the human wastebasket

that I dump
my stupid mistakes into.

Dump, sir.
Dump all over me.

You thumb with a wig,

those gifts were supposed
to go to the 60th floor.

I'm sorry, sir.
It was all my fault.

Good job, Jack.
Blame it on an albino.

Classic,
'cause it works.

I can never replace you guys.

I love you, presents!

Ooh.
I have that.

And that.

Oh!

I've already got this.

Oh, my goodness.

I already have this.

I definitely
don't need that.