30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 6, Episode 3 - Idiots Are People Three! - full transcript

Previously on "30 rock".

Say you approve of Criss.

I'm in your head.

Why did you have to offend the
gay community?

Did you just call me an idiot
on this TV?

Tracy has organized a protest
of NBC by his fellow idiots.

Mr. Hornberger?

- What do we do?
- I don't know.

But I know someone who does.

Talk to me.

They're still mad?



We sent Elton and David a
honey-baked ham.

What more do they want?

I'm joined now by one gay
rights advocate

who isn't sure Jordan and NBC
have learned their lesson.

Devin Banks, welcome.

Thank you, Dallas.

I have seen you
since Michael Kors'

new year's Eve masquerade.

Uh, I don't know what
you're talking about.

Right. Let's dive in.

Banks.

Hey, try this. New recipe.

We have to talk.

How fresh is that dog?



Yesterday, that was the face,
feet and colon of a pig.

I'm so fired up, Liz.

I got some cash now.

I can finally make
a down payment

on a real food truck.

Yeah, the van's not great.

All right, kids.

Who wants some?

Get in my van.

Is there a problem, officer?

But you can't take that money.

What, why not?

Because the guy who
wrote you the check...

He's my boss and he
doesn't really care

about the hot dog truck or
locally sourced pig sweepings.

He just needed an
excuse to meet you.

Because I didn't
want him to meet you.

He inserts himself
into my business

whether I want him to or not

and now he's inserting
himself into this.

Well, that's what
she said, but...

Why wouldn't you want
him to meet me?

You're embarrassed
of me?

No, it's not me, it's him.

I didn't want him to lecture me
about how you don't have a job

and your name is spelled wrong
and you went to Wesleyan.

Wesleyan is the Harvard of
central Connecticut.

Yale is the Harvard
of central Connecticut.

Had that locked and loaded,
didn't you?

Well, you know what?

This isn't a Jack problem.

I think this is a Liz problem.

Because you wouldn't care what

he thought unless
you agreed with him.

Like you're so perfect.

Let's not do this.

You don't say cholesterol
correctly.

"Chloresterole."

You're a 41 year old woman
who cheats at board games.

You don't use the tab closures
on cereal boxes.

If you think those are doing
anything to seal in freshness,

you are living in a fantasy
world, pal.

Forget it.

This was a good day, Liz.

I'm gonna be in
the park meditating.

What would Jack say about that?

He'd say, "good God, Lemon."

Locked and loaded.

Good God, Lemon.

30 ROCK
Ep 03 - Idiots Are People Three

I'll have you know the
last man who wore jeans

in this office was named
Theodore Wrangler.

And you, Banks,
could not even

carry his trademark,
floor-length, suede cape.

I was wondering when
I'd hear from you, Jack.

Do you know what comes up on my
phone when you call?

Where did you get that?

The only copy of
that photograph is in

Stephanie Seymour's
safety deposit box.

You have bigger things to
worry about, Jack.

See, I've got you right
where I want you.

Really?

You think you have
leverage here?

The news cycle is
done with Tracy.

They've moved on
to a story about

teenagers huffing
other teenagers.

Tracy's apologies have
been accepted by GLAAD

and I don't even know
what organization

you're here representing.

We're new,
we're called PEEN.

And what is that
an acronym for?

Acronym?

Okay, you've succeeded in

annoying me and wasting my time.

But your 15 minutes is up.

And...you've got nothing.

Really?

Nothing?

See that little Tracy Jordan
gem that I leaked last night

was just the tip of
the iceberg, Jack.

And NBC is the Titanic.

The highest grossing
movie of all time!

The boat, not the movie,
the boat!

See, I've been following Tracy's
standup act for months

now and if any of this gets out,

every protected
group in America's

gonna be picketing this network.

Enjoy.

Good God.

Oh, is this one about how
asians act on the subway?

I know, I almost threw up
the first time I heard it.

Oh, this one's fun.

Starts out as a joke about our

first Mexican President.

My Lord.

And ends up as just a rant
against women.

Oh...

No one can ever listen to this.

Then she had teeth down there!

What do you want, money?
A job?

This isn't a
business play, Jack.

I mean, what's the point.

After going head to head with
you for the last five years,

I've ended up as a house
husband in Brooklyn.

You won, Jack.
So what are you saying?

I've given up trying to beat
you in the board room.

But there are still
things I can make you do.

All right, you can watch me
shower, but no touching.

No touching just
makes it hotter.

No, I'm after
bigger game than you.

See you're a very influential
man, Donaghy.

You can pull strings in the kind
of venerable institutions

that still reject
creeps like me.

I want you to get my triplets
into preschool...

At St. Matthew's.

Banks, that's impossible.

Just last year,
they rejected one of

St. Matthew's
actual descendents.

I know.

I head that during her interview

she turned the class
hamster into a dove.

Good luck.

Pick up the Mercury
with the tape,

bag it, then seal the bags.

We'll drive everything
out to the meadowlands

and roll the car into a swamp.

We should take two cars.

You didn't tell me he was alive!

Well of course he is.

Pete's our friend, Kelsey.

Damn it!

No names!

We don't want him to die.

But more importantly,

we don't want to be blamed for

what's happened to him.

It's been five hours since

he's pressed an elevator button.

His office is on
this floor, isn't it?

Yes, but to get him there, you
have to go through the backstage

and the backstage
is full of people.

We need a distraction.

Something to clear
the halls of TGS.

How much time will
Kenneth and I have?

How long is the show?

I don't know.

I've never done it before, baby.

I will make
a brief statement

on behalf of
the idiot community,

then I will open
the floor for questions.

Since its founding
early this afternoon,

the national association for
zero intolerance, or Nazi...

- We should change that.
- It's fine.

We are outraged that the
American bigot, Liz Lemon,

has made no effort
to reach out to us.

Tracy, are you kidding me?

I have been calling
your cell all day.

My ringtone is
the chicken dance.

If I answer it,
I won't hear the whole song!

I have to go talk
to Jack right now.

Wait for me in my office.

Is there anything
you would like to add?

These microphones look like
black ice cream cones.

Thank you all for coming out.

Jack, I am giving you your
money back.

You can't tear up
my checks, Criss.

They're printed on
Nixon's old bed sheets.

Look, I don't understand
your relationship with Liz.

She's my subordifriend.

Well, she's my girlfriend
and I'm not

gonna let you
get in between us.

It's a little late for that.

You're not going to want to hear
this, but I am

officially disapproving of you.

Well, I'm sorry, but I really
don't care what you think.

That's really not how things
work around here, Criss.

Damn it, Criss, stop talking
to him, it's a trap!

You said I won.

You said you wouldn't ask any

more questions about Criss.

I said I wouldn't ask
you any more questions.

Semantics!

You had no right
to come to my home

to trick Criss to
rearrange my bathroom.

- For the better.
- Yes.

The basket of shells
was a nice touch.

But, I'm afraid
I have bad news.

I just told Criss that I am
officially disapproving.

- Oh, no.
- Who cares?

Of course, you're free to make
your own decisions, Lemon.

You can either pretend that you
and I are not in agreement

and continue this, uh...

charade.

Or you can part ways
with Criss now

and go and find someone who will
truly make you happy.

I'm sorry, is this guy
breaking up with me?

Of course, you and Criss
can still be friends.

Okay, Liz, I guess you
got a choice to make.

You can listen to Jack,
we can call it quits

and I go back to
sleeping on the floor

of my Uncle's
mattress store, or...

You don't understand.

He's in my head.

Okay, forget Jack.

What does Liz think, hmm?

What do you want?

Do you want to be
with me or not?

Don't look at me, ask her.

I don't know, Liz.

It's gonna go wrong
eventually, right?

I mean, I like him, but,
what are we doing here?

Really?

This is how you see yourself?

Of course I pick you, Criss.

If you would just address
some of the issues

that we as a group have
been talking about.

Unbelievable.

Well, I have to go get a bunch
of gaybies into preschool

before we all get sued,
so, uh...

Well done, Lemon.

So, then he says
"Tiff down there"...

Good one, Jack.

I'll tell you,
friendship is the

one kind of ship
that never sinks.

Douglas, so good to see you.

Uh, do you know
my friend, Devin Banks?

A friend of Donaghy's, eh?

I'll watch my wallet.

Yes, yes, very good, Douglas.

Very funny.

So now we're all good friends

and good friends do
favors for each other.

Is that a St. Matthew's tie?

I didn't know you went there.

Not only did I go there,

I happen to be President
of the board.

Although, during
my financial report

I may be President of the bored.

St. Matthew's is such a
wonderful school.

We were just talking about that.

In fact, Devin's triplets are

applying to St. Matthew's
right now.

I see...

Splendid.

On a totally unrelated topic,

did you know that I'm also on the
board of the Manhattan hospital

for rich whites and
assimilated Jews?

I did not know that.

Unfortunately,

shortly before Don Geiss died,

the Geiss foundation made a
sizeable pledge to the hospital.

A pledge which, sadly,
has not been fulfilled.

What a coincidence

because Devin and I happen
to know the new chair

of the Geiss
foundation quite well.

That is a coincidence.

Kathy, are you
ready to come out now?

There she is.

Hey, you.

Hey, funny.

Kathy, I know this
is a lot to take in but,

your father made a promise
to my friend, so,

what can we do to get
that check right now?

And that's why I'm so thrilled
to introduce NBC's new mascot,

Magellica the Unicorn.

It's wondrous.

Indeed.

Back to you, Thomas.

Okay...we now return
to our coverage

of that train derailment
in California.

And idiots can do anything
we put our minds to.

I played
a "nucular" psychiatrist

in a James "Bong" movie.

Look, what do I need to do to
make this go away?

I want you to call my phone so

I can hear
the chicken dance again.

And I want the video
for my new single

to play on TGS this week.

♪ La piscine

♪ j'adore la piscine

♪ towels sunscreen
bathing suits ♪

♪ diving boards and towels

♪ those ladders

♪ towels

Can you make it
16 minutes long?

We're short this week.

I'll try to cut it down.

But above all, we want you to

recognize who we are
as a community.

Idiots aren't just strippers or
stay at home moms.

Idiots are all around us.

I couldn't find a Lincoln hat

so I grabbed this
chimney sweep hat instead.

If anyone notices...

We're dead.

So it would mean a lot if you

apologized publically,
Liz Lemon.

Let the healing begin.

And since
you wrote my apology,

we went on ahead
and wrote yours.

Careful.

Careful.

Who designed your bathroom?

It's exquisite.

I did, you son of a bitch.

I'm excellent at
rearranging bathrooms.

Now get out of here,
you got what you wanted.

I just wanted to
say thank you, Jack.

Very impressive.

Can't imagine that your boss,

Hank Cooper, was all that happy

about the logo change.

Eh, we'll see.

Our new slogan,

"NBC, we have a magical horse?"

Is testing, uh...Okay.

Oh, I also wanted to
say that I was lying

when I said that this
wasn't a business play.

Banks, you're out of the game.

That's true.

And I've admitted defeat.

For our generation.

But for the next generation?

Well, thanks to you,
the Banks boys are way ahead.

All the favors
that you called in,

you would have used next year
for little lippy.

Liddy.

Is that even a name?

In Brooklyn, I know,
like, six lippys...

Doesn't matter.

You just mortgaged
your daughter's future

to get out of
a little jam at work.

My mommy and me group would
really judge your parenting.

Especially lippy's mother.

Which lippy?

Lippy D.

Oh, God, Liddy might have to
go to public school.

See you in 30 years, Jack.

I wonder what Liddy will be
doing with her degree from suny.

Don't even say it.

Oneonta.

You, jacket.

Well, hello there,
welcome to the White House.

Four score and
seven years ago...

What's with that hat?

Oh, I think
it looks very authentic.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Mary Todd, you say?

Wha... what's happening?

Shh, Pete, don't talk.

Wassup?!

Yeah, baby!

I'm here today to apologize for
my earlier comments.

I used an offensive term to
describe a group of people

who made America the great...

continent that it is today.

Yeah!

These kickass people have

given the world countless
bodacious things

like the birther movement,
intelligent design...

Water parks... no, I will not
endorse water parks.

They are a cesspool of
disease and people boo you

when you walk back
down the stairs.

You know what you people
have given the world?

Girls gone wild.

The Golden Globes, cans that
tell you how cold beer is,

Florida, bratz dolls.

Oh, I get it.

She's naming awesome things.

No, listen to me.

Because of you, there may be
an entouragemovie.

Hug it off, ma'am!

Turtle, turtle, turtle!

You know what, I give up.

You should know better, but no.

You're just gonna keep
on riding motorcycles,

having unprotected sex

and voting against
free health care.

You will make the same
self-destructive decisions

over and over and you will
never really be happy.

And your jaw will
hurt all the time.

Oh, look at you.

Perfect little weiner dog,

you just need a little
mustard on you like that.

And a little bun,
just boop, like that.

No one will make you
deutschepancakes,

or welcome you home smelling of
hot dog water and onion,

or let you break out of jail
when you play monopoly.

Oh, my God, I'm such an idiot.

Wanna make out?

No, thank you.

Hot crowd, hot crowd.

We've only got a minute before I
have to get back out there.

Act two is a play within a play.

It's funny, in school all you
learn about Abraham Lincoln

is that he was a gay alcoholic.

Grab his feet.

Kelsey Gram...

Shh, shh, shh.

There, there, there you go.

Okay, okay.

I've gotta get back
into character.

Hit me in the face!

What... I forgot to
press a floor again.

Hey, what's up, Jackie d?

In a lot of ways, you and I
had similar upbringings.

Terrible schools,
broken homes...

Thinking basketball was the
ticket out.

Being wrong.

At some point,
our paths diverged.

I went on to Princeton, business
school, ge and beyond.

And look at me.

I spent all day
creating a movement

just to get back at Liz Lemon.

I said creating a movement.

The point is that excellence
can come from anywhere.

It's the same with stupidity.

In this country, anyone could be
the next Jack Donaghy

or the next Denise Richards.

This room...

Is moving.

Oh, God.

Banks.

What are you still doing here?

Well, my husband was supposed

to pick me up at 6:00 but
he can be such an idiot.

I'm sure he can.

Where did you go
to school, Devin?

I had the best education
in the world.

Private kindergarten where I got
straight check marks.

Experimental boarding school
in carmel

where the students
teach the teachers,

and the teachers teach animals.

Year abroad on an
all-male catamaran.

Then on to Northwestern where
I majored in confidence.

I had every educational
advantage, Jack.

Just like my children will.

But I beat you.

What?

I beat you.

I came from nothing.

But I caught up
and I crushed you.

Just like Liddy's
gonna crush your sons.

She's already sorting objects by
shape and color.

At 11 months,
I don't think so.

She can count to ten if
you say seven for her.

She gets five and nine?

- She can save five words.
- So.

In mandarin.

They've put her with
the toddlers at her

singing and clapping
class at fun factory.

She's in Orange group?

She's already out of the
piaget sensorimotor stage.

That's impossible.

She scored a 62 on the object
permanence matrix.

But that's an adult score.

And did I mention...

She's using the potty.

Surely just for wee-wee.

No.

See you in 30 years, Banks.

It's already, like,
turning itself.

But I feel like I still
have to turn it.

Oh, oh, my God, mustard just
came out my nose.

Oh, it's burning
the backs of my eyes.

All right, I gotta go
back to work, bye.

Okay, all right.

Ah, it's burning my face now.

All right, I'm putting you on
probationary approval.

Okay, I don't really care.

I'll tell you what
changed my mind, Criss:

a conversation I had
with Tracy Jordan.

You see, greatness can
come from anywhere.

So if a poor boy from
Boston can become me,

maybe you could become

a suitable sex partner
for Liz Lemon.

You've got three months.

But your opinion
doesn't matter.

You have no say in this.

Liz, there's something
wrong with Pete.

Oh, my God!

I don't know what happened.

Pete, I have been
out there putting

out fires all day
while you've been

hiding in here doing this?

You're disgusting.

No, no, I was... I didn't... I...

Kelsey Grammer!

Kelsey Grammer did this to me.

Really, Pete?

Kelsey Grammer made you do this

while he was performing his one
man show about Abraham Lincoln?

Ugh.

Here's to another successful
operation by...

The best friends gang.

Hang on.

I didn't notice before with all

the excitement, but...

I look incredibly beautiful.

The lighting is back to normal.

Both switches need
to be on, woman.

The bulb wasn't even broken?

None of this was necessary.

I know...

I've been successfully
assassinated.

But I have one last thing
to tell my country.

Blackbeard's gold
is buried in...

I am a ghost now,

Leaving behind my
earthly possessions.

And although I left my
country divided by war,

A civil war...

So that's where
that name came from.

I know that future generations
will forge a stronger country

And that some day,
America will be a place

Where everybody
knows your name.