30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 6, Episode 19 - Live from Studio 6H - full transcript

Live television.

Who cares?

Who cares? Everybody.

We love live TV.

Do we, Lemon?

Do you really love the
overzealous studio audience

who will applaud at anything?

Here in the greatest city on earth,
New York City, baby? Whassup?

Wait, what are you saying, Jack?

'Cause "TGS" is live.

Not any more.



It's financially impractical.

From now on, you write and shoot
the whole season in two weeks

like "Wheel of fortune" or FOX news.

No.

I mean, I grew up on live TV.

Friday night in my parents basement.

A telethon and cheese steaks.

I can see it like it was yesterday.

Best prom night ever!

I'm going to lose my
virginity in nine years.

"TGS" has to be live

or it will lose all the
excitement and spontaneity.

That's the beauty of live TV.

Anything can happen.



There's a bathroom in here

you can use, sir Paul McCartney.

See?

Awesome.

Yes.

But my way is cheaper,

and you only have to work
two weeks out of the year.

I want to go to there.

So it's settled.

Tonight is TGS's final live show.

What?

No, live television is
an American tradition.

You can't just throw it away!

Sorry, Kenneth.

It's a done deal.

Our last live show?

No.

♪ Welcome to the "30
ROCK" live show on NBC ♪

♪ Did you know ♪

♪ That the 30 ROCK live show ♪

♪ Comes live from NYC ♪

30 ROCK
s06 ep19 - Live from studio, east coast

Hey!

There's a rumor spreading
around here like wildfire.

But unlike the wildfires
I've started,

this one doesn't sexually arouse me.

It's true, Hazel.

Tonight will be our last
live show but don't worry.

It won't affect you.

Unless my plan all along

was to run on stage during a sketch

and get discovered by Hollywood.

Liz.

An important me-nouncement.

Paul and I have decided
to get married.

Oh. Wow.

And I told Paul that he should
propose to me tonight on TG...

- Absolutely not!
- You didn't let me finish.

S.

Jen, come one, it's our last live show!

Exactly!

And it's Jenna Maroney
is getting engaged,

it's going to be on live TV.

I've been working on my
reaction since I was 3.

Aaah!

It's happening, Liz.

Miss Lemon,

Mr. Donaghy just discovered you
can get pornography on the Internet.

Oh, my gosh.

He's going to die in there.

What's going on?

You called a meeting, Lemon.

Actually, I called it.

Gasp!

Live television is sacred,

and we are not leaving this room

until the 12 of us have
agreed to defend her.

There is a great American play

that was first written and
performed for live television.

It's called "12 angry men."

No, we are not debating
this like a jury.

Shut him down, Jack.

"12 angry men" is
preposterous Kenneth.

11 decent Americans are swayed
by Jane Fonda's father?

Open the door.

How long do you think
you'll get away with this?

Hazel or Jenna will know
that we're missing.

Have an amazing set
tonight, everyone.

I love you all.

Tonight, night, Hazel.

I do my surprise cameo

it goes viral, I take
medicine for it.

Next stop, Hollywood, Florida

to get the car from my mom.

Next stop, California,
Pizza Kitchen,

to tell my old boss, suck it.

Next stop, tinseltown,

because Christmas decorations are
really cheap this time of year.

Nothing brings our country
together like live television.

In studio 6h, it's a
part of that tradition.

Why it was right here that NBC
broadcast the final episode

of the 1950s classic

"The Lovebirds."

It's the grandpa replacement comedy hour

sponsored by Kraft Singles.

Make it with milk, is the cheese
that won World War II.

And now,
"The Lovebirds."

Starring Cubby Gilmore
and Loretta Fields.

I'm home, baby.

And I could eat a horse.

Don't you dare touch that
bacon till it's done, Larry.

Ooooooh.

Ooooo-boy.

Oh, brother,
now I'm cooking a Turkey, too.

That's rich.

One of these days, I'm
going to take a shot and blam!

And blow your face off.

It would still be
better than our honeymoon.

What was wrong with Niagara Falls?

Your mother found it chilly.

You're a real cut-up.

In fact, one of these days I'm
gonna cut you up in pieces

and feed you to the neighbor's dogs.

It will be the first time you've
taken me out for dinner in years.

Keep it up, Doris and bang, zoom,

I'm going to drown you in the bathtub
and say a mental patient did it.

Like I always say...

Aaaaachh.

That's a funny thing to say.

This is real.

Real heart attack.

Here, eat the bacon.

It'll lubricate your heart.

Ride it out.

Ride it to hell.

Come on now, Larry.
Don't be a sissy...

I'm having a heart attack, too.

My marriage is a sham.

My makeup lady is my lover.

Hello.
I'm Nazi doctor Heinrich Spaceman.

I mean doctor.

We can edit that out, right?

Oh, it's live!

Are you a modern housewife
who is in the family way?

Smoke Chattertons cigarettes.

Your baby's lungs need refreshing
nicotine for science reasons.

And his growing bones need
tar to hold them together.

Nine out of ten doctors
surveyed said, who is this?

Why are you calling so late?

But the tenth guy was into it.

♪ Chattertons tastes so cool and mild

♪ a treat for you and
your unborn child ♪

Jenna, remember that package

you made me take to
Singapore last summer?

I just got out of Changi prison.

Thank you.
Just portion control and exercise.

Paul!

Did you pick up the ring?

Liza Minnelli's baby tooth

surrounded by rubies that passed
through a terrified Michael Kors.

It'll look amazing on camera.

Look . I don't want
to propose on TV.

I want it to be private.

What are you saying, Paul?

Rick Santorum is right.

Marriage is a sacred union
between a man and a woman.

Which is why I'm asking you right now

to make me the luckiest schman...

Look, I'm sorry to play the
biological woman card here,

but according to Roe V. Dwyane Wade,

I have a right to choose.

And I choose a televised proposal.

If you can't give me that,

I'm not sure what my answer will be.

Are you giving me an ultimatum?

Look, I am the man here, Jenna.

I may have a dress and a
wig and a gynecologist,

but I am the man.

Without live TV,

think of the amazing moments
we would have missed.

The moon landing.

The Beatles.

"The Voice" results show.

That time Mr. Lutz was an extra

and he got so nervous he threw up.

No, don't remind him.

Oh, I had veal.

I had veal with cheese on it.

And what about Joey Montero's

old variety show?

He was just like you, Mr. Jordan,

because he didn't want to rehearse

and he wanted to get out of there

as soon as possible.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Joey Montero.

♪

♪ Que facciamo con questo

♪ my love is nowhere in sight

♪ que facciamo con questo

♪ I ask the moon every night ♪

We've got a great
show for you tonight.

We got a great show.

At least that's what the
Jews I pay tell me.

I tell you, I feel great.
I slept like a baby last night.

I woke up crying with
a boob in my mouth.

Okay, that was the joke stuff.

All right, here comes a lady.

Hi, Joey, I'm Dusty Springfield.

Sure, let's go with that.

♪ When I said I needed you

♪ I need you too, baby ♪

♪ You said you would always stay ♪

I can see it inside your mouth.

♪ It wasn't me who changed but you

Oh, we are on a bounch.

♪ And now you've gone away ♪

That's pretty.

♪ You don't have to say you love me

♪ just be close at hand ♪

Where's the gang going tonight fellas?

****

you're invited, too, stringbean

but bring the coofee for the morning,
if you know what I'm saying.

I just burped up clams casino
which is weird 'cause I didn't have any.

Well, hello there glasess.

Glamour.

Excitement.

What we today would call alcoholism.

Live television had everything.

Well, not everything.

Where were the black people?

Oh.

Actually, Mr. Spurlock,

NBC had the first two
black characters on TV.

Sort of.

For "Alfie and Abner," NBC hired

one African-American
and one Caucasian

because they thought two black
people on the same show

would make the audience nervous.

A rule NBC still uses today.

Abner, I'm home from work.

Where are you, my brother?

Here I is, Alfie.

Oh, hell no. I am not doing this.

NBC received a lot
of complaints...

That the show wasn't on often enough.

So they forced Theodore Freeman
to honor his contract.

I's done stole this catfish.

Sir, I am asking
you as a human being

so please stop talking like that.

I's gonna eat it
till I'm bellyful.

This is debasing to both of us.

I was a tuskegee airman.

Zip-a-Dee-goo-goo.

You may anger me,

but I believe nonviolence
is the path to change.

And I believes you can
catch a rainbow in your hat.

I'll kill you, you ignorant

believe it or not, they
did not stop doing the show,

which made for tense
but thrilling live TV.

Banjo...

Kenneth.

I've frankly lost track

of what you were trying
to convince us of

with these detailed descriptions
of television shows.

Thank you.

Come on.

Times change.
Television replaced radio.

Cars replaced horses.

Not where I'm from.

Are you telling me the mayor
of your hometown is a car?

Pretty weird.

Why are you laughing at me?

Okay.
Let's all take a little break.

Hello.
I'm Nazi doctor Leo Speceman.

I know it's live, I want people to know.

Did your mother smoke Chatterton
cigarettes while pregnant

during the 1950s or 60s?

If she did, you
probably can't hear me

because of fetal
Chatterton syndrome.

Turn up the volume!

Recent study is it show that

while pregnancy is disgusting,

babies do not need tar or nicotine.

If you are currently suffering
from Chatterton syndrome,

please, use your Bird-like
claws to dial the number below

then use the rectum you have
instead of a mouth

to say something like "wrulgh" or

"thunghth"

to signify that you wish to join a
class action suit against Chattertons.

♪ If you have scales instead of skin

♪ pick up the phone suit the Chattertons.

All right. This is idiotic.

We've got a show to do it and...

Oh, my God, Kenneth.

It's my period.

It's a-gonna blow.

We both know you're not
due for another nine days.

And I'm ashamed of you, Ms. Lemon.

Think of your hero, Rosemary Howard.

She wrote for the edgiest live
variety show of all time,

"The Gruber Brother and Nipsey."

Hey, Nipsey, what do you get when
you cross a chicken with a hippie?

I don't know, Dickie.

What do you get when you cross
a chicken with a hippie?

I don't know, but LBJ
likes them both fried.

Lay it on me.

Lay it on me.

Lay it on me.

Lay it on me.

Now, as you know, Nipsey...

I'm the first streaker.

Streaking's the new thing.

We touched penises.

We interrupt this program to bring
you an NBC news special report.

From Rockefeller center,

Chet Huntley and David Brinkley.

Good evening.

NBC news has learned that
less than an hour ago

there was an explosion aboard
the Apollo 13 spacecraft.

- David?
- Thank you, Chet.

Chet?

Thank you, David.

We are awaiting further information.
David?

Thank you, Chet.

Let's go to the manned
space center in Houston

and our reporter on the scene, Mr.
Jamie Garnett.

Jamie?

Thank you, Chet and David.

I'm sorry, sweetheart, could you
move out of the way of our camera?

We need to talk to our new
reporter Jamie Garnett.

Now, where is he?

I'm Jamie Garnett, gentlemen.

I spoke earlier with NASA
flight director Glynn Lunney...

Listen, doll, you're
not making any sense.

You're probably hysterical
from menstruation.

Go lie down and make sure
you get plenty of iron.

Maybe eat a ham salad...

And I'm being told that
commander James Lovell...

Honey, you have a dynamite shape,

but you're going to have to shut up

and let a man tell
us what's happening.

Now, is your father or
a policeman nearby?

Look, where did you find
that microphone, sugar mouth?

Was it just lying
there on the ground?

Where is Jamie Garnett?

This just in, male NBC news
reporter Jamie Garnett is missing.

I'm right here you mother...

Classic live television.

And while they never
found Jamie Garnett,

that woman who stole his
microphone went on to become

a wife.

Has Paul not come back?
He's not answering his phone.

What have I done?

Calm down.
Paul's gone,

but you're getting proposed
to on the show tonight.

By me.

This is New York state bitch,

anyone can marry anything now.

What?
But...

Come on. Everything you want,

think what great TV this will be.

It's all you want.

No, it's not what I want.

Paul is everything I want.

He's the reason to get married,

not TV.

Rick Santorum was right.

How could I have been so blind?

Because you're a horrible person?

Thank you.
Just portion control and lots of water.

All in favor of
keeping "TGS" live?

It's still not unanimous.
And it never will be.

This is a business, Kenneth, and

if live TV went away,

the only thing that would change
would be NBC's profit margin.

That's not true, Jackie D.

Oh, come on, that
wasn't that dramatic.

Live TV changed my life.

In 1986 my church dance crew

performed on a regional telethon.

It was my big break.

Flashback.

This is for you, Jesus.

♪

Ow, my coccyx!

It's not funny.

Coccyx is the scientific
term for your butt bone.

Why are you all laughing?

I like it.

Coccyx.

Coccyx.

You know what this is?

This is the garry-o-many core.

Oh, my God.

I remember that.

That was you?

That's when I realized
I was a ridiculous man.

Tracy, I was there.

As a lower-level GE employee,

I was answering phones
at that telethon.

When you took off your clothes,

they cut to the phone banks.

Gasp.

I made a hilarious prank call

to that telethon.

Did the man who answered the phone

sound like he had the piercing
blue eyes of an ice dragon?

Yes.

Hello, I'd like to speak
to General Electric.

Madam,

I'm afraid you're confused.

I was a nurse in the war

and I met him when he
was just a colonel.

He's the father of my child.

General Electric is not a person.

Toby, come talk to your father.

Daddy, it's your
son, Toby Electric.

I can tell by your voice that

you are a very ungainly teenage girl from

southeastern Pennsylvania.

Ah-ha, ya burnt.

How you like me now?

Young lady, no one... no one

jokes down General Electric.

And if I ever...

Do you mind?

If I ever

get my thick,
manly hands on you,

I will roast you alive in
an oven I design myself,

using two, no, three kinds of heat.

I'm Jack Donaghy, damn it.

Watching you get
all red-faced on TV,

that was the night I
found my calling...

Sticking it to the man.

You know what?
That night changed my life, too.

Don Geiss saw my

loyalty/handsomeness and the next day

he promoted me out of poisons
and into microwaves.

Live TV made us all
what we are today.

No need to take another vote.

"TGS" is meant to be live.

To make it more profitable,

we'll just do more sponsor
product placements

you should do it with the
upcoming Warner Brothers movie,

"Rock of Ages," based on
the hit Broadway musical.

Rocking a theater near you June 15th.

Tom Cruise sings.

Or I'll just pay you all less.

Kenneth, let us out of here.

Paul didn't come.

I ruined everything.

Yeah, you blew it.

So I'll just jump out at some
point and lez it up with you?

Okay.

We're on in five, four,

three, krang...

And now, "Prince William and
time travelling fart detectives".

Ha, take that the man!

Prince, do you smell
something fishy?

Who's that dude?

♪ Zou bisou bisou ♪

♪ Zou bisou bisou ♪

♪ Zou bisou bisou ♪

Jenna Maroney, you're the
woman I want to grow old with.

"Old" being an acronym
for oxylaprodexatrin,

a hallucinogenic plant extract
that makes sex terrifying.

I want to spend the rest of
my life making you happy.

That's why I'm asking you,
on TV, to marry me.

Oh, Paul.

No, no, a million times no.

Not like this.

I don't want to get
married for publicity.

I want to get married for you.

And so you don't testify
against me in court.

I still don't know
what's going on.

Classic live TV?

I slipped.

I slipped and hit my
head in the bathroom.

Who am I?

You are my boyfriend.

We were just going to call some people
I went to high school with.

Thanks to Lorne Michaels,

Paul McCartney,

John Hamm, Jimmy Fallon, Amy Poehler, Fred Armisen,
Chris Parnell, Will Forte, Donald Glover, Kristen Schaal

Cheyenne Jackson, Beth McCarthy-Miller.

SNL crew, I love you,
30 Rock crew, I love you.

This happened again.

How did that happen?

Watch "Parks and Rec" tonight

directed by Amy Pohler.