30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 6, Episode 17 - Meet the Woggels! - full transcript

Jack, I've got a huge problem.

The TGS sweatshirts were

supposed to say "TGS Season Six, Yuck,"

which is a catch-phrase
from a pretty great sketch.

Yuck!

But they got misprinted and now they say,

"TGS Season Six, Duck!"

And that's a season five catchphrase.

Duck!?

Lemon, that is not a real problem.

A real problem is losing
your giant scissors



right before a ribbon-cutting
for a couch factory.

I just... had them.

Oh, thank God.

I thought I'd lost them.
Today...

I want everything to be perfect.

I'm opening a factory.

And factories provide three things

this country desperately needs:

Jobs, pride, and material
for Bruce Springsteen songs.

Great, so we solved your problem,

but now I've gotta wear
last year's sweatshirt

to my cousin's wedding.

Oh, I'm so tired.

I was out all last night with my
new rock star boyfriend.



Oh, I listened
to rock and roll music once,

but I stopped before I started
worshipping the devil.

The song went, "Mr. Sandma--",
then I shut it off.

Morning, Jenna.

Oh, thanks.

Dating a musician is amazing.

This sexual walkabout I'm on
is really opening me up

- to new experiences.
- What's new?

You've been with tons of musicians.

Back in Chicago, I walked in on you

with the guy from blues traveler.

He still had his harmonica thing on.

Sure, I've dated musicians before.

But I've never sexually manipulated one

into leaving his band for me.

Like Yoko Ono and the Beatles,

or Lance Drake Mandrell
and Wilson Phillips.

My boyfriend's last album
went quadruple-platinum.

They sold out Madison square
garden in nine minutes,

for a Tuesday morning show.

Wait, who plays on a Tuesday morning?

I don't know, just a little
band called the Woggels.

# apples are red #

# Bananas are yellow #

# I love my friends, bananas are yellow #

My Russ is the blue one.

He's about to do something amazing.

Oh, I know the Woggels.

My eight-year-old niece
walked down the aisle

to that song at her wedding.

Wait, you're trying to break
up a children's group?

Well, it ticks off a lot of boxes

on my sexual walkabout list.

"Yoko a band,

"make love to a beloved
children's entertainer,

be with a non-aboriginal Australian--"

I thought the whole point of this

was to see if someone could
make you happier than Paul.

I mean, if you're
just checking off boxes,

maybe you should get back
together before it's too late.

What's that supposed to mean?

He's not replacing me.

We're having an adventure.

And I hope right now he is also

with a beloved children's entertainer.

Maybe Raffi.

Or the sedated prisoner
they put inside of Barney.

Something terrible has happened!

And for once I'm not talking about

the collapse of the middle class.

It's my family.

My oldest son, George Foreman,
got into Stanford,

and he's planning to attend.

Tracy, that's awesome.
Stanford's a great school.

I didn't even get in,
and I was first in my class.

Although, only seven of us
graduated that year

because of a bad mono outbreak which

somehow missed me, despite
all the frenching I did.

You don't understand.

Jordan men don't go to college.

We go to the school of hard knocks,

a one-year vocational program
where you learn to bang on doors

and scare people into
subscribing to magazines

- that they'll never get.
- Mr. Jordan,

- you should be proud.
- Proud?

My son's a nerd!

Tracy, in the real world,

you need a college degree to succeed.

Really, Dotcom?

How did your city council campaign go?

Well, as far as raising the
level of discourse in this city?

I'd say it was a great success.

This is Angie's fault!
She coddled him.

I'm gonna teach my son
what it is to be a Jordan.

And I'm gonna die trying!

6x17 - Meet the Woggels

Yes?

Mr. Donaghy.

This is Dr. Pravin Singh.

I performed your mother's
heart surgery last month.

No, you must have the wrong Mr. Donaghy.

My mother didn't have heart surgery.

Colleen Donaghy.

Born April 24, 1925, at
Boston catholic guilt hospital.

She keeps calling me Aladdin.

That's definitely her.

Well, she's recovering very nicely,

but we don't have anyone
to release her to.

We found your name on
a list of disappointments

she keeps folded up in her shoe.

Well, doctor,
I can't come to the hospital

to bring my mother home.

I'm in New York, not Florida.

Mr. Donaghy, I'm calling
you from Cornell medical center.

My mother's in New York?

Dr. Singh, are you stealing my hats?

What do you do,
feed them to your cow God?

Mother, what are you doing?

Who told you to call my son?

Oh, please, you wanted him to call.

Somehow, you knew I was opening
a sofa factory today.

- Could we just...
- Ooh, sofa.

Somebody got all flouncy
when I wasn't looking.

What are you gonna do,
put on your galoshes

and go eat some fruit, like a Frenchman?

Fruit is part of a balanced
diet, you miserable harridan.

Good God! You've ruined every
significant moment in my life.

And now,

- you've ruined this.
- Jack, for God's sake,

there's only one reason
I came to New York,

and that's because Gunga Din
here takes my insurance.

So you were planning on never telling me

you were having heart surgery?

Look, I do have other patients.

Yes, I'm sure you do.

Oh.

Yes, I know it's over, Kouchie.

Unlike you, I have eyes.

# Silly dinosaurs #

# This is just a list of things
now let's list some more #

# A pogo stick #

# A hot air balloon #

# A hat that's full of soup #

# Another pogo stick #

Yeah! All right!

Okay, all right.

Where do you think you're going?

I'm with Russ, Ian.

What?

You afraid my sexuality
might tear this band apart?

Listen here, Jenna.

We're the Woggels.

Nothing can tear us apart...

Except for the shark that got
a hold of the fifth woggel.

# Basketballs hula hoops
rollercoaster loop-the-loops #

# You just heard the Woggels sing #

# A very silly list of things #

Woggel power!

So to help your mother's
weakened heart continue to beat,

we implanted an "LVAD" device.

Yes, I'm familiar with that.

My good friend Dick Cheney got one.

A month later, he and I
went hunting in Mexico.

He shot thousands of doves that day

and only hit me in the leg once.

So, you know that it runs
on rechargeable batteries?

Like the flashlight in
my race war preparedness bag.

Mrs. Donaghy,

the fact that you didn't
call your son is worrisome.

What good would he have been?

He's useless in a hospital.

I recall this one time

he cried and cried.

I mean, it was more like wailing.

It was awful.

She's referring to my birth.

Look, I know this is a lot to process,

so I'll leave you two alone to talk.

About what?

Can you believe this is
the best room they have?

This is supposed to be a hospital,

not a Japanese internment camp

I volunteered at during the war.

Well, if you're not happy here

I could put you up at the Plaza.

You could look out at the park

and watch carriage horses being whipped.

I know how you love that.

I can't go to the Plaza, and you know it.

What if I run into Eloise?

Am I supposed not to mention the fact

that she has a gay grandson?

Everybody knows!

Well, then, of course
I'd love to have you stay

- with me and Liddy.
- Liddy?

Why couldn't you name
the baby after my mother?

Because at Ellis island,

your mother's name was recorded
as "unclaimed Irish stowaway."

Son,

we have a lot of work to do today

if I'm gonna "reverse Urkel" you.

Dad, I just want to read.

Jordan men don't read.

Grizz, tear this book in half.

Son, I'm gonna show you

how a real Jordan man enjoys himself.

It's montage time.

Tray, montage got married
and quit stripping.

Fine, we'll just do
a series of activities.

# Gonna build a daydream #
# Uh-huh #

# From a little hope #
# Uh-huh #

# Gonna push that daydream #
# Uh-huh #

# Up a mountain slope #
# Uh-huh #

# Gonna build a daydream #
# Yeah yeah #

# Gonna see it through #
# Yeah yeah #

# Gonna build a mountain and a daydream #

# Gonna make 'em both come true #

# Yeah yeah #
# Gonna build a heaven #

# From a little hell #
# Little hell #

# Gonna build a heaven #

# And I know darn well #
# Darn well #

# If I build my mountain #
# Yeah yeah #

# With a lot of care #
# Yeah yeah #

# And take my daydream up the mountain #

# Heaven will be waiting there #

# Gonna build a mountain
gonna build it high #

# I don't know how I'm gonna do it #

# I only know I'm gonna try #

Well, Colleen ruined the ribbon-cutting.

She's in New York.
She's been here for weeks,

recovering from heart surgery.

Oh, my God, is she okay?

She's fine.

They gave her the same heart
pump Dick Cheney had.

Next thing you know,
they'll be giving her

his retractable wings and rocket arms.

She's going to bury us all.

Jack, your mom's 87.

Do you think maybe she had
the surgery in New York

to be close to you, so you guys
could, you know, have the talk?

"The talk"?

Lemon, my mother did explain
sex to me, three years ago.

There were... drawings.

No, I mean,the talk.

Your mom's heart doesn't work.

You need to sit down and say how you feel

so you don't have any regrets.

I've done it, Jack, and it isn't easy,

but it's very rewarding.

You talk in your sleep.

I know what you did in the war,

and before you die,
I want you to know that I know.

I know you Donaghys
think you're so tough,

but Colleen is here because she's trying

to reach out to you.

Just get in the same room with her,

and the talk will happen.

I guar-on-tee.

I don't know why I said that.

This is such a serious conversation.

I'm sorry.

Uh, Lemon, I assure you,

my mother is not in New York
to spend time with me.

She already wants to leave my apartment

because Liddy is
"giving her the stink eye."

As soon as she feels up to it,

she is going back to Florida.

There was no need for us
to start jabbering

about our feelings and sobbing

like Bill Belichick listening to Adele.

Okay, fine.

- But you and your mom-- - Nope.

As my coffee cup said this morning,

"you only regret
the things you didn't do.

This cup was made from
recycled toilet paper."

Don't let Colleen leave without
saying what you need to say.

- Last word.
- Damn it!

# I'm a kangaroo, I'm a kangaroo #

# Loot da doo da doo # What is that?

Oh, it's nothing.

It's just a song I've been fiddling with.

Or, as we say in Australia,

a song I've been fiddling wazzle.

It's good.

It's really good.

And this is coming from someone

Quincy Jones once pushed off a boat.

So, why does Ian write all the songs?

He's just keeping you down,

because he knows you're
the real genius of the Woggels.

Really?

Do you think so, Jenna?

It doesn't matter what this brain thinks.

It matters what this brain thinks.

- Lemon, there you are.
- Good morning, Jack.

Did you talk to Colleen?

If you're ordering me an edible
arrangement to say thanks,

I'd prefer a meat one.

Yes, Colleen and I did talk.

Specifically, she said a car
was circling the block,

"casing the house."

I tried to explain that those
were all different taxi cabs,

and she said, "then why is the
same man driving all of them,"

and insisted on leaving.

She won't go to a hotel,

and she hates the Princeton club,

because Dean Cain is always there

hoping to get recognized.

I tried to leave her
at the Bodies" exhibit--

God, that is all just a smoke screen.

She's acting out because she
wants to have the conversation,

and you won't meet her halfway.

I decided something last night

after I got your tenth text message,

one of which was an inscrutable emoticon.

Hold it sideways,

it's me going like this:

"Talk to your mother!"

The "8" is my glasses.

Yes, someday, my mother is going to die,

and we're going to deal with it our way.

Well, your way is wrong,

and I bet Colleen agrees with me.

I'm glad you said that, Lemon.

Good luck.

Ah, Elizabeth.

Can we do something about
the temperature in here?

I'd like it humid and cold.

Duck!

Yoko announcement.

Russ wrote a song.

A great song.

And if you don't sing it at the Gwammys,

which is the Grammys for
toddlers, Russ is going solo.

Russ, I write the songs here,
so you have to choose.

Her, or us?

Come on, mate, Woggel power.

In Australia, "woggel" means "white."

Hm.

Let's get out of here.

I want to lick that
turtleneck off of you.

Yeah. Come on, Jenna.

Fine, leave.

We'll just replace you.

Anyone can be replaced.

Especially girlfriends.

No, you don't know
what you're talking about.

Paul isn't gonna--

I mean, Russ.

Paul is American for Russ.

Oh.

Ugh, Dean Cain.

You know what?

I'm glad Jack put you in here.

Because I think we need to talk,
about talking.

What's the matter with you?

Are you on drugs or something?

Don't you think,
at a certain point in life,

parents and children should sit
down and express their feelings

before it's too late?

God on a wheel!

Jackie and I know how we feel.

We don't have to say it out loud
like a couple of gays

getting married
in jean shorts in Provincetown

while I'm just trying to enjoy
an ice cream on the pier!

Okay, fine.
If I can't convince you,

maybe you'll listen to the words
of Mike and the mechanics,

whose song The Living Years
I definitely remember.

"Say it out, speak it clear.

"You should listen, dude.
Also, hear.

It's too late, when--"

You have two minutes

to find that battery before I die.

You guys do not like talking!

Great news, everyone!

George Foreman is not going to Stanford.

He's decided to permanently
join the entourage.

I'll start the paperwork.

Wait, he's not going to college?

Look, yesterday was the first
time I've ever spent the day

with my dad like that, and...

I just want to keep doing it.

You need to take him to security.

It takes a week to get an I.D.

Tony will rush it for me.

We do zumba together.

My son is 17.

Have I really never spent a day with him

doing father and son stuff?

Like teaching him how to ride a bike...

Down the Luxor pyramid.

Or drive a car...

Vel franchise into the ground.

I never even taught him how to shave...

An orangutan.

Well, sir...

That doesn't mean you're a bad father.

Yes, it does.

I haven't been there
for him since day one.

Hey, Angie.

What's up?

You had the baby?

Okay.
Name him George Foreman.

And also, we're out of soda at home.

Lamont, hurry up and deliver that baby

before they realize we're not doctors.

But I'm finally connecting with my son,

and he wants to be here.

I don't know what to do.

I wish I had a father to talk to.

But Liz Lemon is the only person
I know who even has a father.

Well, Mr. Jordan,
speaking from experience,

All My Children... was cancelled.

As you can see, I'm out
of my wheelhouse here.

But, if you want
to talk about wheelhouses--

Liz Lemon it is.

# I'm a little Joey a baby kangaroo #

# Jumped out of mommy's pouch #

# And now I don't know what to do #

# I wanted to go walkabout,
around the world I roamed #

# But now the fun is over,
and I want to get back home #

# Mommy kangaroo mommy kangaroo #

# Separate the races, mommy kangaroo #

Oh, God.

It's all been a terrible mistake.

You don't just jump out
of the pouch and walk away

from something so good,
something that makes you happy.

Wait.

Are you saying I should
go back to the Woggels?

The what?

No.

That song, like everything, is about me.

I'm the baby kangaroo
who went on the walkabout.

What have I done?

My driver will take you to the airport.

I'm glad you're feeling
well enough to travel.

Jack, can we make sure
the pilot is a man.

I don't know, ever since Amelia Earhart,

I'm a little skittish about lady pilots.

Yes, mother, captain Chuck Cutler.

I'm told he has a mustache.

- Mm, good.
- Good-bye, mother.

I know it won't be welcome,

but I will point out that this
is your final "talk-portunity."

- Not another word, Lemon.
- Sew up your cabbage hole, girl.

Lime to a Lemon, you need to tell me

what to do about George Foreman.

Liz, has this whole walkabout
thing been a mistake?

- Jenna made me forget about...
- What if I'm already too late?

- Why I came here, so I guess...
- What if Paul's actually...

- I'll just go to the beach.
- Replaced me?

Both of you need to stop right there.

If you are having
a problem with a loved one,

there is only one thing you need to do.

Communicate!

Go to Paul, go to George Foreman.

And as difficult as it might be,

talk to them.

Before you lose them forever,

tell them how you feel.

Have the talk.

George Foreman first,
dinner break, then Paul.

I'm sorry,

was that supposed to be for our benefit?

Do you think we're idiots?

If you were my kid,

I'd mail you back to the stork.

She's not kidding.

When I was eight, she took
me to the post office

because I spilled juice on
a couch reserved for the pope,

which has still never been used.

He'll come.

But I am sorry I tried to mail you.

I forgive you.

And I'm sorry about the juice,

which you should know was actually wine.

I forgive you, too.

You know, you've always
been my favorite child.

Thank you.

You never gave me any trouble.

You always ate your vegetables,

you went to church,

and you loved breast feeding.

I just wanted to make you proud of me.

That's all I ever wanted.

If I've ever had any success
in this life,

it's because of you.

Oh.

I made this happen!

Not a part of this, I get it.

But I made this happen!

I made this happen.

Son, this isn't easy for me to say,

because my tongue
caught what my foot has.

But I need to say it.

You should do what's best for you.

Look, I want to go to college, but...

I love you, dad.

And I'm gonna love you no matter what.

Even if you become a doctor, or a lawyer,

or a philanthropist who
devotes his life to others.

I'll still be proud of you.

Good-bye, my son.

But dad, college doesn't
start for another five months.

I said, good-bye, my son.

Great.
Now let's go do my thing.

Okay.

Oh, God.

He's dressed like her.

I'm too late.

I've been replaced.

Kouchie?

Look on the bright side.

My thing went perfectly.

I have something for you.

It's not much,

but I thought maybe you
could put it in Liddy's room.

Oh.

Oh.

This was your mother's.

Well, I know, but I wanted
to make sure you got it.

Hang on.

If your plan was to have surgery,

then go back to Florida
without ever seeing me,

why did you bring this with you?

What is this, the Spanish inquisition?

Oh, you'd know.
You lived through it.

Oh.

Get... off. Ow!

- Get... off.
- I did this!

# feelings feelings feelings
say how you feel #

# Apples #
# You taste good #

# Trees #
# You give us wood #

# Grandma #
# I am gay #

# Bridge #

# You turn me on in a sexual way #