30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 6, Episode 15 - The Shower Principle - full transcript

Here are all my receipts.

Look, I don't need these, Liz.

Your tax return is the same every year.

Actually, I'll have you know

that this has been
a year of change, Howard.

I joined an over-40 dance team,

I started eating the lettuce on
my plate under my onion rings,

and I have taken up meditation
thanks to my boyfriend Criss.

Yeah, do you remember what
you said to me last year?

This has been a year of change, Howard.

I'm actually eating the onion
part of my onion rings,



I started journaling thanks
to my exciting relationship

with Carol, who is a man.

Although we have done nothing
that lesbians could not do.

Uhhuh.

Do you remember what
you said to me last year?

I bought a restaurant-grade onion ringer,

and I'm having a go at cycling,

thanks to my boyfriend Wesley,
whom I hate.

Have I never washed this sweater?

Look, there's nothing wrong
with being predictable.

Every morning I get up
and come to this office

while my wife cheats on me with Jared.

Well, you're wrong.

I bought a meditation stool, and...



This year's gonna be different.

Jack, am I just in a permanent rut?

I don't have time for
your nonsense, Lemon.

I'm working.

I know this doesn't look like work,

but are you familiar with
the shower principle?

I remember Mrs. Doyle

pulling me aside to talk about it

- in the seventh grade.
- Uh, no.

The shower principle is
a term scientists use

to describe moments
of inspiration that occur

when the brain is distracted
from the problem at hand.

For example, when you're showering.

I was in the shower when
I finally got the title

of the movie Face off.

Face off, face off.

Exactly.

If the cerebral cortex is distracted,

by showering or putting,

then another part of the brain,

the anterior superior
temporal gyrus is activated.

This is the site of sudden
cognitive inspiration.

Nerd alert, nerd alert.

The problem at hand is this man,

my boss, Hank Hooper.

Kabletown has grown a lot

over the years,
but it's still a family company

with a very simple goal...

To entertain folks.

That's all people want.

To sit on their sofas...

Oh, why am I putting on airs?

To sit on their couches,

and hear stories.
Here's one.

1968.

We were on patrol somewhere near
the Cambodian border.

Uh, we can skip this part.

So we boiled the skull,

and made a tea kettle out of it.

My point is, I believe that
slow and steady wins the race.

We don't take risks.
We make profits.

So now, let's get this
dog fashion show started!

"Everyone hide your bones."

"Dogbeard the pirate
just sailed into woof harbor."

Ugh.

You know what else Hank
announced at that meeting?

Record profits.

Really?
Can we start getting real soda?

Because I think Corka-Coola
brand diet banana lime

- causes "tum nungnuss." - No.

And do you know what Hank wants
to do with that money?

Pay a shareholder dividend.

Meanwhile, the Kabletown blimp
is in such disrepair,

we got a "jeers"
in Corporate Blimps Weekly.

I want to use that money
to transform this company,

but first I have to convince Hank Hooper,

a white man who still buys Cadillacs.

I just need the right idea.

Do you think a year ago today

we were having this same conversation?

Because it sure feels like it.

Probably.

And knowing you, as you were leaving

you did something comically undignified.

Well, not this time, friend.

- Whoa, gumballs!
- Lemon!

6x15 - The Shower Principle

Why is all the healthy food
on the top shelf today?

Cut it out, you perverts.

I know what you're doing.

It's the first warm day of the year,

and women are starting to take
off their winter clothes...

Good morning!

Eyes down here, boys.

I have breasts, you know.

Nope, Hazel.

Button up.

Cerie, put on one of my soup ponchos.

This happens every spring,

and it makes Jenna feel
threatened, and old,

and she takes it out on me

and the show.

Every year she...

Every year.

The same thing happens every year.

Take a picture, it'll last longer.

Here you go.

Hey, Liz, at 11:00 we have...

Our annual budget meeting.

You know what I did a year ago today?

Met with my accountant,
went up to see Jack,

told Cerie to cover herself up.

Yeah, stop doing that.

Paula canceled my subscription
to shape magazine.

Why do you have to take Cerie away too?

'Cause Jenna's gonna freak out,

and she'll take it out on me.

Last year,

Jenna accused me of trying to destroy her

because her lines didn't
have any "K" sounds,

which she thinks is the funniest sound.

Oh, my God.

My cousin Karl crashed his car,

and now he's in a coma
at the Kendall clinic.

Well...

Look, you don't know
what Jenna's gonna do.

Yeah, I do.
It's in the book,

and the book has been
right about everything.

It can see the future.

Well, hang on.

If all of your problems are in the book,

aren't the solutions in there too?

Well, we'll see.

Last year, Jenna didn't come
to her senses till I...

It's all here.
This is how I break the cycle.

Today, I prove the universe,
and my accountant, wrong.

Oh, and, Pete,

don't try to force a nickname this year.

But I just bought a Letterman jacket

with "the German" embroidered on it.

It's not refundable
if you personalize it!

Jenna?

I know you're gonna freak out today.

You're trying to destroy me.

I refuse to be in that sketch.

The MacBeth sketch?

Shh, stop it.

You never say that name
in the theater.

It is curs-ed.

Jenna, that's just a superstition.

Elizabeth, I was trained

in stage acting and game show pointing

at the Royal Tampa Academy
of dramatic tricks.

Where I studied theater superstition,

under Professor Duane "Crawfish" Kenny.

I'm not doing a sketch about
the Scottish play.

Yeah, but this isn't MacBeth.

It's a timely satire of MacBeth,

where mayor McCheese and his wife,

an ambitious pickle, murder king Ronald.

Liz, I don't need any more bad luck.

Do you know how many mirrors I've smashed

just thinking it was
a blonde woman mocking me?

Okay, fine.
Like last year I will...

Just ask Cerie to do it.

Sure, I'll do it.

I just have to be out in time for my band

to be on Letterman.

Perfect.
Now everyone's happy.

That Jenna sure is a handful, huh?

Hazel, damn it!

I know she takes you for granted.

But I don't.

Say, I bought a groupon
for a couples' massage

at a resort in the Catskills
where Henny Youngman

used to take his mistresses.

What do you say?

No. But if you want to help me,

just keep an eye on Jenna.

I know she's gonna cave,

I just want to make sure she
doesn't do anything crazy first.

As the doctor said to me
after my hepatitis test,

"you got it, sweetheart."

Banks will provide...

Hey, Tray.

Hold up, double "L".

I just want to clear this level.

To navigate the mortgage mess...

Tracy, that's the news.

It's the only way we can watch it.

Coming up next, how safe
is your building's elevator?

Yes! A thousand points!

Sure.

Tracy, I know you insist
on doing your own taxes

for some reason.

I don't trust my accountant.

I think he's lying to
me about being Jewish.

I step on more wine glasses than he does.

Well, last year on this date,
you flipped out

because you didn't know it was the 14th.

- So, this is an early warning...
- Wait, hold up.

I didn't even know it was April.

I was gonna tell Dotcom

I loved his novel
as an April fool's joke.

This is all hands on deck!

K-9, form of desk.

Get the receipts out.

This big one's for your sneakers.

Yes, do your taxes, yes.

Why do you look so weird?

Have I never seen you carry a bag before?

I went and took a shower
at the Racquet Club,

where I saw Lou Dobbs step
on his own testicles.

It was horrifying.

Still trying to get the ol' jumper cables

on the tires of your brain muffler?

I don't know cars.

I get ten minutes
with Hank Hooper tonight.

Ten minutes to convince him

to change his company forever.

This is a crossroads, Lemon.

You know what I miss about G.E.?

The factories.
The sight of work being done,

of things being made.

The deafening noise of machinery.

You have to talk like this!

You can only say what's essential!

And you get to point at things!

Okay, well I, for one,

am crushing it today.

I pre-solved my Tracy and Jenna problems,

my budget meeting with
Pete took three seconds,

and I got this meditation
candle for 80% off.

"Summer horse grave"?

Did you say meditation candle?

Lemon, are you planning to meditate?

Yeah. I bought a meditation
stool, I have a mantra.

You have a mantra?

What is it?

You're not supposed to tell
anybody what your mantra is.

Oh, come on.

Meditation is a waste of time,
like learning French,

or kissing after sex.

There you are, lemonade.

Distract her with your craziness, Tracy.

Otherwise she's going to meditate.

I don't have time for that, J.D.

I have to go to Alaska immediately.

Alaska, what are you talking about?

Well, Ms. Lemon,

Mr. Jordan had a lot more income
this year than he anticipated,

thanks to his frequent
scratch-off lotto victories,

finding all that treasure on the island

he owns in the Caribbean.

Quite an adventure.

And designing Kate
Middleton's wedding gown.

She was wonderful.

Collaborative, fun,
and a little dangerous.

Okay, so you have
to go to Alaska because...

In order to pay my tax bill,

I had to sign on to do a movie,

Five dog now five.

- Gibberish.
- No, that's just the confusing

title Disney gave
the fifth Snow dogs movie.

The "S" s are fives.

Running time, 26 minutes.

Why do you need to do
a movie to pay your taxes?

You're loaded.

I'm not liquid, Liz Lemon.

I'm completely solid.

I took all of my money and put
it in my pool and froze it.

Nope, this isn't last year.

I am breaking the cycle.

I will deal with this later,

after I meditate.

Cycle?

I forgot, I sponsored the dude
that won the Tour de France.

Add another zero, Ken.

"Out, out, damn spot of mustard."

This is the first time
I've ever liked this show.

It's so funny.

There's a saying in show business.

The show must go on.

And I couldn't go another
minute without being around

the greatest non-pornography
crew I've ever worked with.

It feels so weird being up here.

What if I get discovered?

# Amazing... #

# ...zing grace #

I don't care if this
production is cursed.

Like Lady McCheese,

I will "screw my courage
to the sticking McNugget."

I will do the sketch.

Let me help you down, sweet.

Careful, don't stab yourself.

Okay, let's take it from
Grimace's family being murdered.

Jenna, look out!

I could have been killed.

It's the curse!

Sorry.

Hard "K" sounds.

Mm.

I'm going to Alaska!
Five now dog five!

Five now dog five!

Everyone's trying to destroy me.

Five now dog five!
Five now dog five!

Budget meeting, "the germ."

Pam putch, car waiting times, "the germ."

Distractions begone!

Congratulations, Elizabeth.

You have achieved transcendence,

a state of pure inner peace,

where all pants have built-in underwear.

You have reached
a plane of total enlightenment,

and you are realizing
that Jack was right,

meditation is a waste of time,

time you could have spent

reading that book he gave
you on business lunches,

Buffett on buffets.

But that doesn't make sense.

If I've achieved enlightenment,

how is this a waste of time?

Let me answer your question
with a question.

Why don't you just shut up
and tell me your mantra?

Is it, "time to make the donuts"?

What are you doing?

"Hank Hooper is coming, Lemon.

"I don't have time for your nonsense.

"I'm always criticizing your shoes,

but never offering solutions."

Don't you have a big idea you're
supposed to be coming up with?

That's exactly what I'm trying to do.

I realized something today.

Putting, showering,
they don't work for me.

Only you can stimulate

my anterior superior temporal gyrus.

Buy me a drink first.
Ow.

For the past six years,

nothing has been a better
distraction than rescuing you

from your various wrong turns
on the road of life.

And I just don't know what to do now.

I'm scared, Jack.

Lemon, just get another DVR
in the bedroom,

and then you can record
all four shows at once.

I've got it.

Dump all the unsold
dishwashers into the ocean.

As it turns out,
you are my shower principle,

so shower me, Lemon.

Shower me in the inane waters

of television, food, and feet.

You know what?
Maybe you should try meditating.

I am serious.

The whole point is to clear your mind.

Meditate, Lemon?
I once pantsed Deepak Chopra

while Craig T. Nelson taped it.

I don't meditate.

Hey, Liz,

does your journal say
anything about Frank

trying to drink a gallon
of milk last year?

It can't be done.

- Oh, God, the carpet.
- Ugh!

Somebody hold my hair back.

Oh, no!

My Johnny Choon.

Are you all right?

I've seen people killed with shoes,

but never like that.

I can't believe this is happening.

I was just using the curse
of the Scottish play

as an excuse to act out.

But it's real.

Ugh, like I need another curse.

Too busty.

- Ah!
- Oh!

I'm running out of time.

Meditate perfectly.

Jack, tell me what to do about my...

Boyfriend! DVR! Feet!

SMAS mondays at 10:00!
Female mustache.

My casserole's burning!
My casserole's burnt!

Nut up, Donaghy, and meditate!

Congratulations, Jack.

You have attained...

Shut up, I don't have time for this.

Give me my inspiration.

My God, you're good at meditating.

The answer you seek has
been there all along.

It's right behind you.

Behind you.

Behind you, behind yo...

I don't need an echo.

I heard you.

Meditation over!

Behind me.

Behind me.

I've got it!

You know what they'd thought
when I saw up your skirt.

Nice.

Someone won the crotch jackpot.

I need a drink.

Ah! My hand!

But I'm auditioning to play
senor wences' wife tomorrow!

Ah, ah.

I can't take this any more.

This curse is ruining my life.

No, it's not.

I am.

What are you talking about?

The light, your shoe,
the chair, your hand.

It was all me, Jenna.

Wh... why would you do that?

Because, I want to
be Liz Lemon's best friend.

I want to know her secrets,

sing Motown together into hairbrushes,

have a pair of vintage
Jordache jeans that we share.

But, love has enemies...
You.

- So you tried to kill me?
- Of course not, silly.

I can't afford a third strike.

I just wanted to scare you off.

And I'll stop, if you
never speak to Liz again.

Nice try, Hazel.

But you made the same mistake

Mickey Rourke made on that catamaran.

You didn't kill me
when you had the chance.

Can I get you anything, Hank?

Bottled water?

I'm not fancy like that, Jack.

If I get thirsty, I'll just
drink the water from lunch

I saved in my cheek.

I've got one word for you, Hank...

Couches.

I've been thinking about what you told

the investors the other day.

Kabletown fulfills our fellow
Americans' most American need...

To sit on a couch, talking on the phone,

about a TV show they're watching,

based on a YouTube clip.

Is NBC developing a show

for that cat that jumps in the boxes?

No, that's, uh... yes!

Heh!
As a matter of fact, we are.

But my point is, Kabletown controls

nearly every aspect of that experience.

The phone, Internet, TV, that's all us.

But, we don't control the couch.

Why are we outsourcing
the American dream, Hank?

Why are the couches our
customers sit on made in...

Oh, I don't know... Vietnam?

Taking my original buttocks

wasn't enough for those bastards.

Here's what I want to do

with our profits this quarter.

I want to make couches, Hank.

Kabletown couches.

American couches.

Boy, I do love a good couch, Jack.

You know, I'm like a couch
in a lot of ways.

I fell asleep at a Raymour
and Flanigan last week,

and a black family tried to buy me.

Let's do it!
Let's make us some couches.

You won't regret this, Hank.

I only have three regrets
in my life, Jack.

Not buying the Phillies,
not marrying my wife sooner,

and not surprising you
any quicker with this hug.

Ooh!

Yup, same as last year.

My situation has progressed in
an interesting way, Liz Lemon.

I don't want to hear it.

To solve my tax problem, I
called the treasury department

and told them I won't
pay my taxes until I see

your president's birth certificate.

They told me if I did that,
they would arrest me.

Things got heated,

so I said I had a bomb.

Hazel is trying to destroy me.

Really? Now Hazel
is trying to destroy you?

Jenna, do you know how
crazy you sound right now?

Liz and I, or "Lazel,"
are really worried about you.

Oh, my God.
Doesn't matter what I do,

- nothing ever changes.
- Ms. Lemon,

I'm sorry to interrupt, but I need to get

a recommendation from you

to reapply to the NBC page program.

We've already done that, Kenneth.

We've done all of this!

All I wanted was one shred of evidence

that my life is moving forward.

Baby doll, what about me?

- I'm new.
- Are you, Hazel?

You're just another weird page,

and I already have one of those.

Aw, thank you.

You people, you are the reason

my life is a stagnant, monotonous hell!

Oh, no, that reminds me.

My stand-up tour.
Add another zero, Ken.

Jack?
Why did you invite me here?

Oh, you're gonna murder me, aren't you?

- Eh, it's okay.
- Up here, Lemon.

I haven't secured that
level from the rats yet.

What the hell is this place?

This is where I remake Kabletown.

And where Americans,
and for cost reasons,

quite a few "foreign Americans,"
will make couches.

To watch TV on.

Do I finally understand
vertical integration?

Yes.

Well, at least one of us
got out of their rut today.

Eh!

Lemon, what are you doing?

I realized today that I cannot
do my job without you.

This is all because of you.

You're admitting you need me,

and all my nonsense.

You haven't done that since...

You've never done that.

I wanted a new G.E.

I got a couch factory, but it's a start.

Baby steps, Lemon.

- To new beginnings.
- Lemon?

The cycle is broken.

Jack, the rats have my meditation stool.

Ah!

Help! Shoot it free!

Let her go, you bastard!

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,

creeps in this petty pace from day to day

to the last syllable of recorded time.

And all our yesterdays have lighted fools

the way to dusty death.

Out, out, brief candle.

Life's but a walking shadow,

a poor player that struts and
frets his hour upon the stage,

and then is heard no more.

It is a tail told by an idiot,

full sound of furry, signifying nothing.

Would you like to try our apple dippers?