30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 6, Episode 13 - Grandmentor - full transcript

Why did I just received this viewer essays

on the subject "why I love TGS?"

Please tell me it's not--

the annual TGS viewer
walk-on contest.

It's great promotion, Lemon.

We found that if someone
is actually on NBC,

they're 4% more likely to watch it.

Really?
We're doing this again?

After what happened last year?

Gassy Patsy, you can't eat--

Keep the white house white.



You know who enters
these walk-on contests?

Weirdos.

Read the essays, Lemon.
It's not going to kill you.

Oh, really? 'Cause this one
is typed on the inside

of a bloody halter top.

Just pick one.

And while you're at it,
which one of these ties

do you prefer?

I thought you said a man
should never wear pastel

unless he's a black guy on Easter.

Usually, but I'm going
on the today show

to talk about Avery,

and I need to tone down my natural aura

of strength and sexual dominance.



Which wasn't going to happen

with the tie I was going to wear.

Oh, my.

So, uh, what is the news with Avery?

Uh, there isn't any,
and that's the problem.

The U.N. is useless, the state department

is full of democrats,

and as it turns out,
amnesty international

is nothing but a company
that makes and sells candles.

That explains all the vigils.
That is a good scam.

It's been a year, and
the media have moved on.

Media is a plural noun.
Put this tie on.

I have to find a way to get Avery's story

back on the front page.

Fortunately, I run a network
with a news division,

and I will do whatever it takes
to keep Avery's plight

in the public eye.

Even...

Go and see Matt lauer's band.
It's blues rock, Lemon.

It's called...

"Rhythm and news".

Lemon, no.

6x13 - Grandmentor

Sir, I've been thinking.

I know I'm a big shot now with my suits

and a desk lamp that I control,

but I just want you to know

I will always be a page at heart.

Even if I did just receive
a fancy award at my new job.

On behalf of the mother[bleep]

Standards department,

I, Gaylord Felcher, present you

with the "employee of the [bleep] week" award.

Let's give it up for this
[bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]

[bleep] bag of [bleep].

So what can I get for you?

And Hazel's on it, Tracy.

Kenneth, can I speak with you?

Can you?
You just did.

What's your problem?

Oh, my, well...

My parents were technically brothers--

look, I'm trying to do my job here.

Tracy's my responsibility now.
I take care of him.

Oh, well, I'm sorry, Ms. what's-her-name,

but I'll always be there for Mr. Jordan.

He has a special place in my heart.

Just like Nana Parcell, my heartworm.

Ugh!

Hey, Jack.
What are you still doing here?

Your segment was bumped.
What?

Why? You guys doing
another hard-hitting expose

on how to plan a staycation
with your cyber bully?

No, it's real news for once.

There was a mine collapse in China.

Turns out, to keep labor costs down,

all the miners there are babies.

They pay 'em in yogurt.

God.

Remember when we used to be the
world leader in baby cuteness?

I can't compete with that.

Also, adult dogs can't
fit in the baby mines,

so they're lowering down
puppies to bring in supplies.

Hey, thanks for coming
to see my band last night.

Yes, I didn't expect you
to play for four hours.

Hey, dummies, I need you
guys to write a sketch

with a non-speaking part for
whoever wins this dumb contest.

And do not write another
sketch about Krang

from teenage mutant ninja turtles.

No one knows who Krang is.

It would be a waste of time to
talk about Krang on television.

No more Krang!

Liz?
Krang!

What the hell, Hazel?

Can I ask your advice, woman to woman?

Are you sure?

'Cause I took one of those

"which gossip girl are you?" Quizzes,

and it said I was the dad's guitar.

Please. You are so amazing.

This place is such a boys' club,

but you boss them around
like an Amazon warrior queen.

And look at your body.

Your rack is like, "pow!"

- Hazel, what is the question?
- It's Kenneth.

He's not a page anymore,

but he keeps trying to do my job for me.

And when I confronted him about it,

he was so condescending.

He laughed at me, and then
he undressed me with his eyes.

And then he had his way with me.

With his eyes.

- Ugh. The male gaze.
- Yeah.

They're all a bunch of gays.

No, Kenneth is sweet,
but he's still a man.

And in our society, men get praised

for just taking whatever they want.

But what do people call women
who are tough and ambitious?

Leslie or Courtney?

What? No.
A bitch.

Well, you may be at the bottom
of the totem pole now,

but you're in the game.

So play it like a man and don't
let anyone try to stop you.

Just like the karate kid--
Hilary Swank "Karate Kid IV".

I want you to be my mentor.

Julie-San, fighting not good.

But if must fight, win.

Kesuke Miyagi, Karate Kid IV.

I accept!

You listen to me, Blitzer.

Either CNN gets back
on the Avery Jessup story,

or I'll tell everyone your
real name, Steel Hammerhands.

Hello?

Steel?
Mr. Hammerhands?

Jack.

I have an important actor request.

This is not really a good time, Jenna.

I want you to hire a giant
to stand in the background

of every scene I'm in
to make me look daintier.

It works.

It's why Lamar Odom married
that giant Kardashian girl.

I run a TV network,

and I still can't get my wife's
story on the air.

The world may have forgotten
about Avery, but I haven't.

Sometimes at night,
I sit here in the dark,

drinking scotch, staring at that doorway,

hoping against hope

that she'll walk
as if nothing ever happened.

"I'm home, Jack.

And I brought back a bunch
of oriental sex powders."

I know how you can get
Avery back on television.

Her story has everything!

Blondeness, kidnapping,

a villain with an accent.

It's the perfect TV movie.
I should know.

I played Italian party whore
in the Amanda Knox story.

A TV movie--Jenna, I don't
want to trivialize this ordeal.

But those movies get results.

Every kidnapped woman I've ever played

has been released.

Well, it would allow me
to control the story.

Well, you better hurry, Jack.

Oxygen is already working on a movie

about the baby miners.

Then we'll have to slow them down.

Gabriel...

Send a bunch of pies
to the Oxygen network.

Excuse me, Ms. what's-her-name.

What's that?

Not that it's any of your business,

but Tracy's jaw is tired
from pretending to be pac-man.

So I'm making it easier for him to eat.

No! No!

He can't eat that junk.

He just got his cholesterol
down to triple digits.

Get off my ass, Parcell.
I'm doing my job.

You think you can push me around
just because you have a penis?

I definitely have a penis.

You think I'm some delicate little girl

who'll do whatever you say?

Well, I'm not delicate.

I've been in tons of car wrecks.

Hazel, I just peed this.

Could you take care of it for me?

Sir!

I am resuming responsibility
for your care.

You are in dire need

of a getting-your-act-together montage.

# Down so low, don't know what up is #

# When-- I'm sorry, Tracy.

You wanna be bossed around
by this trailer park Hitler?

Or do you wanna do whatever you
want with a sexy, fun bitch

who just bought you a pinata?

Awesome!

Miss Lemon, do you have a moment

or are you busy regretting
your life choices,

for example, missing your window
for having children?

Get to the point, Kenneth.
It's Hazel.

I'm trying to help her,
but she's gone crazy.

Uh-huh. You can't handle the fact

that a woman is doing your old job.

What a world.

I bet even Hillary Clinton
has to put up with this crap

from whoever was
secretary of state before her.

- You mean Condoleezza-- - Shut up.

Look, I believe in Hazel.
I happen to be her mentor.

So to quote Mr. Miyagi,

"leave girl alone or you deal
with me, surf shop owner."

Hey, sweetie.
How was your day?

Not even half over, Hazel.

Ugh! I still have to read
all these essays.

Okay. Look at you.

You're a whirlwind--
in charge in the board room...

And the bedroom.
Sure.

You're a modern, DTF type woman

whose whole vibe says,

"yeah! Dig sex and I'm not
gonna apologize for it."

Okay, here's a little bedroom tip.

Put a bag of popcorn
in the microwave beforehand.

That way, when you're done,
you have a treat.

I wish I had your emotional intelligence.

My boyfriend Razmig and I
have hit a little rough patch.

Okay. Lay it on me.

Well, I went home this
afternoon to get some,

and I found Razmig banging the
fattest chick I've ever seen.

And you know, I used to weigh 800 pounds.

Stop right there.

You didn't hit a rough patch.
He cheated on you.

You have to dump him immediately.

What? How can you say that?

Hazel, I'm trying to help you.

By asking me to break up
with the man I love?

Helping me would be teaching me
how to spice things up.

Like by greeting him at the front door

wearing nothing but false teeth.

I'm very disappointed
in your mentorship, Liz.

If this were two years ago,

I would sit on you till you died.

No wigs.

I said no wigs.

You're not a lead, Gabe.

At best, you're a featured extra
with no lines.

Do you understand?
Hey, Gabe.

Lemon, would you be interested
in writing the screenplay

for the greatest love story ever told?

You mean Lois Lane's love
affair with journalism?

I said it.
Avery and me.

I'm producing a television movie

to get her back in the headlines.

For obvious reasons,
I'm fast-tracking the project.

The script is due on Monday.
Monday?

Hmm. I guess I won't be able
to go to the gym this weekend.

I know it's short notice,

but I would consider it a personal favor

after six years of listening
to you complain

about how there are
so few women on death row.

Is a coincidence,
or is the system sexist?

Oh! Speaking of our amazing dynamic,

I have taken on a mentee
of my own, Jack--

a page named Hazel.

You're a mentor?

But that makes me a grand-mentor.

And I'm still so young.
Don't worry.

I already messed it up.

I told her to break up
with her awful boyfriend

and she got really mad at me.

Often, the best way for a mentee to learn

is for you to let her fail.

Wait, does that mean
you've done that to me?

When?
Um--

I think the crowd at the Apollo

might welcome a change of pace.

You're right.
You should do it.

Sometimes, they have
to learn the hard way.

If Hazel rejects your advice, let her.

She'll get there on her own

just like you did
after the crowd at the Apollo

chased you into the river.

Okay, I understand the irony
of what I'm about to say,

but I reject that advice.

Don't worry, I'll bring you back
a t-shirt from successtown.

Ow! My groin!

- Mr. Jordan!
- K-dog.

You were wrong.
They do still make crossbows.

You let him buy a crossbow?

And a motorcycle?

No, Kenneth, I let him
buy a motorcycle ramp

and no motorcycle!

Can I help you?

Tracy's very tired.
He didn't sleep last night.

Why not?

If he doesn't get at least
14 hours a night,

he starts to go crazy.

We on a show within a show!

My real name is Tracy Morgan!

Well, Tracy wanted to go clubbing.

And I don't know
if you know this, Kenneth,

but night clubs are open at night.

You didn't let him drink, did you?

Mr. Jordan can't mix alcohol
with his medication.

I'm not an idiot, Kenneth.
I took him off his medication.

You what?

Why are you doing this?

Because Liz told me to.

Having access to Tracy is an opportunity,

and I'm taking advantage of it.

Did you see page six today?

Those are my toes he's sucking on.

And he did not want to.

Ah, mm.

Jack!

What the hell is this?

Where did you get that?

Donna from casting and I are friends.

Well, not so much friends

as I own a magnet
that can scramble her pacemaker.

Jenna, you are not playing Avery.

Why not?
This movie was my idea!

I appreciate that.

You can play a Korean party whore.

I just don't think you can
capture Avery's essence.

That's ridiculous.

I posed bottomless in essence.

Jenna, Avery is worldly.
Traveled.

She went to Yale.

Oh, I see.

You think I'm stupid,
just because my college

got tipped over by those Miami heat fans.

I didn't say stupid.

Jenna, there are many
kinds of intelligence.

Practical, emotional,
and there's actual intelligence,

which is what I'm talking about.

I want this part, Jack.

It's a guaranteed Emmy nomination.

I'm sorry.
I've made up my mind.

Very well.

But let me ask you this, Jack.

Would a dumb person be able
to think of something amazing

to say as she leaves?

Liz, we have a show in four hours.

Have you still not picked
a contest winner?

Ugh! Fine, I'll just pick one at random.

It's Joren van der Sloot.

We can't fly someone from Peru now.

There's no time.

- Oh, Hazel, we need to talk.
- I'm busy, Liz.

Tracy wants me to page for him
in Las Vegas this weekend.

Is this dress appropriate

for watching pornography
with Penn Jillette?

Okay, normally we don't
encourage Tracy to go to Vegas,

because of his gambling
addiction and his fear of magic.

But maybe a weekend away
from Razmig is a good thing.

No. Razmig's coming with me.

What? Who is this, Hah-zel?

I no permit you talk other woman.

Okay, I'm putting my foot down.

This guy is no good for you
and I order you, as your mentor,

to dump him.

You don't know what
you're talking about, Liz.

Razmig is amazing.
He makes me laugh.

Oh, where is toilet pail?
Razmig must make mud.

Razmig!

Hazel, no.
I'm not letting you--

Let her fail, Liz.

Let her get there on her own.

You know what, fine.
You're right, I'm wrong.

Go, be with Razmig.
Thank you, Liz.

It takes a big woman
to admit she's wrong.

You are a big woman.

You have pictures?
Fat nudes?

I need your help, Ms. Maroney.

Absolutely.

Oh, I thought you were someone famous.

You sound a lot like Reese Witherspoon.

What do you want?

I'm afraid if Mr. Jordan
goes to Las Vegas this weekend,

he's gonna die.

I'm not hearing my name, Kenneth.

So I thought you--

oh, thank God.
That took forever.

I thought you could teach me
how to get around Hazel.

If I could just get one minute
alone with Mr. Jordan--

you can convince him he's wrong. Yes!

But how do you get his attention?

All the world's a stage, Kenneth.

Just play the part.

Play the part?

Ms. Lemon.

If it's not too late,

I would like the essay contest
to win a role

on TGS with Tracy Jordan.

No, Kenneth, you can't enter.

The contest isn't open to NBC employees.

I know, ma'am-maw.

Which is why I just quit my job

at standards and practices.

I may [bleep] hate you right now,

you little [bleep], but
[bleep] damn it I respect you.

Kenneth, you know this is just

to be a non-speaking extra, right?

I know.

But have you ever loved something so much

that you would sacrifice anything for it?

Nope.

But you know what, this is perfect.

Because then I don't have
to pick some crazy person,

and I know you won't do anything
weird on the air.

I'm Kenneth!

Get to wardrobe, contest winner!

This is gonna be a great show.

- Hello?
- Hi, it's Charles from the U.N.

We found your wife

and I dropped her off at the office.

She should be there right about now.

Jack, it's me.
I'm home.

No, you're not my wife.

How could you say that, darling?

I'm Avery jesbert.
Jenna?

No, don't turn on the light.

Surprised?

Let's set aside how
idiotic that plan was,

and imagine a world
where it actually worked.

I appreciate your feedback.

If I had believed you for one second,

I would've been devastated, heartbroken!

You wanna talk about devastation?

How do you think I felt when you
told me I couldn't play Avery?

You are a monster.

What you have done here today,
it's--it's...

The second cruelest thing
that anyone has ever done to me.

Do you know what the cruelest is?

When I went to the bathroom
on the hood of your car

before I thought of this plan?

Avery had me committed
to a mental hospital

so she and her college roommate

could use my yankee tickets
on opening day.

That's a nice story, Jack,
but I don't hear my name in it.

- You-- - Finally.

You may not have
Avery's grace and acumen,

but you do have the one thing
that makes her so special--

her ruthless pursuit of self-interest.

It's the heart of capitalism.

And the beautiful black heart of my wife.

Jenna, you have Avery's essence.
Congratulations.

The part is yours.

Oh! You won't regret this.

We're gonna get her home, Jack.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have a female condom to take out.

Unless...

Going once...

Four, three--

Ladies and gentlemen,

a message from the president
of the United States.

Goo-goo, ga-ga, my fellow ah-meh-ri-cans.

Okay, he's never been worse.

Is Kenneth supposed to enter?

I love you, sir.

Ken, where have you been?

- Damn it.
- I've been here all along.

I never left. And I never will.

Go to commercial.

They told us we can't do that any more.

What?

I quit my job to be here, Mr. Jordan.

It was the only way
I could get around Hazel.

You quit your job for me?

I'm not just gonna sit by
and watch you destroy yourself.

'Cause I would do anything for love,

but I won't do that.

The girl in that video was hot
in an early '90s kind of way.

Now... Take your medicine.

This has been a message

from the president of the United States.

Tough night?

Come on, Lemon.
The show was all right.

What about the sketch
with the guy who was worried

about his sexual performance?

That was a real commercial for
an erectile dysfunction drug.

Well, I laughed.

So, uh, how did things
shake out with Hazel?

Not great.

My way, which is still
the right way, didn't work.

So just to see, I did your thing.

Good.
You let her fail.

That's how the banking industry
learned its lesson.

And now they're doing amazing,
and everyone's honest.

Mm. Your thing didn't work either.

Are you sure?

Mentoring is not an exact science.

Why aren't there more
female serial killers?

What does that say about our society--

Liz!

Oh, here she is.
She's here.

Liz, I was watching the show fall apart

while Razmig gave me
a prison tattoo of his face,

and I heard your voice.

I finally heard
everything you said to me.

"Hazel, you're a beautiful flower.

"Let yourself bloom.

"What are you doing this weekend, Hazel?

Are there still bath houses?
Let's go to one!"

I never said any of that, but--

you were right all along.

You knew I was making the wrong choices.

But you let me fail.
With Razmig, with Tracy.

Yes, I was definitely on
top of that Tracy thing.

You were teaching me the whole time,

and all the while lighting
a fire with that hot ass.

I'm... Jack.

I'm your grand-mentor.
Liz?

She's beautiful.

This next lady is from White Haven,
Pennsylvania

Okay! Please welcome
to the stage Leminem!

Ooh!

# Ahhh, do the sprinkler,

# Do the sprinkler, do the
sprinkler, do the sprinkler.

# Here we go, here we go.

# White Haven, PA.

# Apollo theatre. Come together...

# Have you ever thought
about the women of the world

# Teen moms, grandmoms,
even little girls.

Go White Haven.