30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 6, Episode 11 - Standards and Practices - full transcript

Well, hello, Hank.
So good of you to come up.

Well, I'm not gonna miss

the America's Kidz
got singing finale.

Last time I was this excited
was this morning.

I saw a cat wearing the
same sweater as its person.

Jack, you remember my granddaughter.

Oh, hi, Mr. Donaghy.

Kaylie.

There's Jenna Marone.

So, Jack, how's your wife?
Still kidnapped?

How's the yearbook going?
I heard you made editor...



Of the photo captions.

Hey, Pop-Pop, wait up.

Hey, Pop-Pop, wait up.

I'm so excited for the finale.

Not that it matters,
even if Brock doesn't win,

he is going to get a record contract.

So, it definitely doesn't matter.

This isn't the last
we will be seeing of Brock.

Well, whoever wins, it's
a great night for the industry.

Kidz is a hit the whole family
can watch together,

not your usual sitcom crap
full of gratuitous vulgarity

and pratfalls.

Wah! Oh!

Oh, my penis!



Jenna, this is a big night.

And I've got something big planned.

Tonight during the finalists' duet,

I'm gonna cry.

Now, of course, none of these
little condom accidents

could actually make me cry,
so I'm gonna rub this

under my eyes to help me fake it.

It's an old acting trick I learned

from Glenn Beck's prostitute.

Well, mark my words, Jenna,

tonight is going to be the greatest.

Disaster in the history of television.

The young contestants apparently
inebriated on live TV.

# Oh, Shushanna...

I gotta throw up.

Why haven't you been returning my calls?

Because my phone
melted last night, Lemon.

Come here, Jack.

Mm...

That was my angriest hug, 'cause
that's how I feel right now.

Instead of heading back to Philadelphia,

I'm going down to deal with the FCC.

The Federal Clown Commission.

I hope that comes off as respectful.

My father was a clown,

and I know how hard those men work.

I'm going to get to the bottom

of what happened last night, sir.

I've already detained Brock
and Ava under the patriot act.

People have forgotten about that thing,

but any white male
can arrest any other person.

Hello, peers.

Sure has been a busy morning

down in the Standards department.

Because of last night's cluster-whoops,

Darren was fired.

Then he threatened
to come back with a gun.

Then I got a promotion,

and the desk closest to the door.

Here are my new business cards.

Late night programming?
So you're covering TGS now?

And a wonderful
new show from D.L. Hughley

that's already been canceled!

I feel like Oscar the grouch today,

and not just 'cause I woke up

in a garbage can this morning,

startling someone named Gordon.

What's wrong, Tracy?

I can't eat for 24 hours

'cause I have a colonoscopy tomorrow.

I'm starving!

You know, fasting
can actually clear your mind.

In college, I once
went on a hunger strike

- to protest apartheid...
- Oh.

You're the one who solved that?
Thank you so much.

1997 Heather Locklear,
what are you doing here?

What? Jenna!

Save it, Liz.

Yes, I was disappointed that
I didn't get to do my fake cry,

but I do have a plan B.

The whole point of the cry
was to humanize me,

to change public perception,

but what else humanizes a monster?

Motherhood.

Oh, God. Don't adopt.

That child is better off in Somalia.

It could be a pirate,
or a warlord's concubine.

This is better than adopting.

Remember my little moneymaking
scheme back in Chicago?

Cashing your dead aunt's
social security checks?

Oh, no, I'm still doing that.

I'm talking about when I donated my eggs.

So, a couple of months ago, I called

the calumet city egg donation
center and house of blues

to see if there were
any little Jennas out there

who wanted to meet me.

Hang on, are you saying you have a kid?

No, I don't.

Oh.

I have six kids.

Jerome, share the bronzer, you slut.

Dear God.

6x11 - Standards and Practices

I'm a very powerful man, Brock.

Little league tryouts are coming soon.

How would you like
to wind up on a team with...

None of your friends?

It was her idea!
She made me do it!

Brock just sold you out, Ava.

What are you doing to Molly?

She already had to
live through world war II.

Brock said it was all your idea.

No, it was her idea.

She's just so cool.

Like a human silly band!

Who?
Who's a human silly band?

I'm tall enough now

that there isn't
a roller coaster in the world

I can't go on.

- Wow.
- So...

You guys drink beer.

Or are you babies?

Jack versus Kaylie, round two,

colon...

No subtitle necessary.

Mommy announcement.

I hope we're all waxed,

because you're coming with me
to my interview tonight

for Barbara Walters'
10 most overexposed people.

Oh! Barbara Walters!

Okay, so, let me just quickly
identify everyone's good sides.

Left, left, right,

right, left...

Oh, Judy. That's not really on message.

Look, I didn't call the donation center

to be on TV, Jenna.

I wanted to go get a cup
of coffee and get to know you.

If you want to get to know me,

read my 2006 interview
in AmTrak magazine.

If you want to be my daughter,
put on this wig and smile.

Oh, there you are, liierz.

Boy, I am still not comfortable
calling you by your first name.

Then again, you've never been comfortable

calling me by my full Christian name.

Kenneth.

Oh, no, "Kenneth" is short
for andromakennethamblesorton.

- So, what's up?
- Oh.

Wait, what is this?

"Additional restrictions
to broadcast standards"?

Yes.

People are pretty upset about last night.

How can we do "Fart doctor"
without the word "fart"?

I'm surprised
they allow you to say "doctor."

It's so close to "gynecologist"
which is disgusting.

Have you seen this memo from Standards?

Kenneth is being a real...
dingbat,

which is now the harshest word
we are allowed to say.

Oh, you can blame that on Kaylie Hooper.

She's the one
who ruined the Kidz finale.

Really? What a... dingbat.

Why didn't I see this coming?

I knew this company
was making me lose my edge.

That's why I hired a Cato
to attack me at random.

Like inspector Clouseau.

Cato?

Don't attack me tonight, okay?

I know I told you that
when I say, "don't attack me,"

that's when I most need you to attack me,

but I'm serious.

Cato?

Aah!

Excellent, Cato, excellent!

Did Kaylie really think
I wouldn't figure this out?

No, she knew I would.

So, she's going to be ready for me.

Good.
I like a fair fight.

Okay, she is just a teenage girl.

Lemon, you know very well
that a Nemesis can be anyone...

Or anything.

Autocorrect.

I was trying to say "pen organizer."

Oh, God!
You're a winter!

I don't know what that means.

Why are there only six chairs
out there? There's seven of us.

Oh, no. One of us will
have to sit out the interview.

I'm just gonna choose at random
who it's gonna be.

Eenie-meenie-miney-moe, out goes # y-o-u

- I'm sorry, Judy.
- Bye, Judy.

Could've just gotten another chair.

Who is it?

Sweetie, it's Pop-Pop.

I came back from D.C. early,
and I lost my darn key.

What a world.

Surprise.

I'm very good at voices, Kaylie.

I'm very good.

I know what you did.

And you had to assume
I'd break Brock and Ava,

so, you're ready for this,

but here's what
you weren't counting on...

This has nothing to do with you!

I just had to get Pop-Pop out of town

because I am in so much trouble!

Henry and his friends had to go
to the King of Prussia mall

last Thursday night
'cause it was a half day,

and I couldn't go 'cause I had piano,

and my friend Vickie, well,

she said she got grounded 'cause she went

to some highlighter party with Dylan

while his parents were out of town.

Whoa, okay, hang on.
Calm down.

And then fat Vickie saw her there,

so I called her,
and Henry answered her phone

because he had Vickie's phone!

Wait, which Vickie?
Fat Vickie?

Vickie P.
Are you even listening to me?

- Okay.
- God!

Vickie used to be my best friend.

I had her youface password,
so I logged onto her account,

and posted all these photos

with "I am a slut"
written on her forehead,

and then school found out,
so now my life is over!

Please!

What does this have to do
with sabotaging me?

This has nothing to do with you!

I messed up the show to make sure

Pop-Pop wouldn't come back
to Philadelphia with me,

'cause Dr. Melvoin is trying
to kick me out of school,

and if Pop-Pop comes
to the teacher conference,

well, then, he'll let them expel me,

and I'll have to go to some
school in the middle of nowhere,

and then I might as well be dead!

Wait, where are your parents?

Who knows?

My mom is in Indonesia
visiting her charity

where poor children make shoes.

Isn't that just a sweat shop?

I know!

And then my dad put
a Porsche engine in a model T

and drove it to Mardi Gras!

I know what it's like
not to have your parents around.

I once took a log with googly eyes

to a father-son picnic.

But, uh, who's going to take you

to this parent-teacher conference?

I don't know.

I have nobody!

I wanna die!

Do you have a second, Kenneth?

No, there's only one of me.
What? What are you asking?

Look, we have a show tonight.

You can't just take away all these words

we've been using for the past six years.

Oh, that reminds me.

You can't say "using" on TV.
It implies drug use.

We're saying whatever we want.

No, you can't.

That's an order.

I stole that speech
from an episode JAG,

but it applies here.

Are you kidding me?

Last week you were a page,

now you're telling me how to run my show?

Well, I am arguing back at you.

I have enough crap to deal
with around here, Kenneth...

I'm interrupting you
'cause I'm good at arguing!

I don't need you to make my life worse.

I am responding, I am matching your tone,

and making my own point.

You know what, Kenneth?
Fine. You win.

But as we saw
the other night on Kidz,

anything can happen on live TV.

- Right, Tracy?
- What?

I'm just saying, Tray,

you're very unpredictable.

And we'll write clean sketches,

but you might just do your stand-up act.

- Who knows?
- Okay.

I'm still fasting
because I misread my calendar.

Tomorrow is my colonoscopy.

Today was my meeting with Colin o'Scopy.

Therefore, I have no idea

what you're saying, talking Turkey leg.

Were you a difficult teenager?

Well, I was voted head of the PTA, so no.

I'm accustomed to dealing
with difficult people, Lemon,

but teenage girls, ugh...

Are a puzzle.

Oh, yes, how was your meeting
with your Nemesis?

I volunteered to accompany Kaylie

to a parent-teacher conference
at her school.

- What? Why?
- It's complicated.

The point is, and I never
thought I'd say this,

I actually feel badly for Kaylie.

On the other hand, I know full well

that this is
an opportunity to destroy her.

I could get her expelled,

sent off to some
second-rate boarding school,

then on to that last bastion
of the incompetent rich,

[USC.]

I don't know, Jack,
you should stay out of this.

No, I could help this girl.

Or destroy this monster.

If I could just tell whether
she's vicious or vulnerable.

That's the problem.
She's a teenage girl.

She's vicious and vulnerable.

She might be completely lying,

like when I was 15
and told everyone at my school

that I'd already gotten my period,

or she could be in real trouble,

like when I was 17,
and finally got my period

at a very loosely supervised petting zoo.

Once again, Lemon, I leave your office

more confused than when I entered,

but having glimpsed yet another
tile in the rich mosaic

that is your menstrual history.

So bravo wants to do
a reality show about us,

and I thought the opening credits

could be all of us in a giant dog bed,

and you guys are suckling

on prosthetic dog teats that I'm wearing.

Actually, we had a different idea.

Now that Judy's gone,

it's kind of obvious
someone is the odd person out.

It's Jerome, right?

I didn't want to say anything

'cause I was trying to be a good mother,

but you're cheesy,
and everyone hates you.

No, Jenna, you.

You're so much older than the rest of us,

so we're thinking the show is more like

The girls next door,

and you're that old boat captain
that shows up sometimes.

That's Hugh Hefner, Jessica.

Yeah, we have no idea who that is,

so you're kind of just proving our point.

I see.

Very well.

Looking for this?

Well played.

Oh...

Dude, what's up?

I'm just having a bad day, sir.

All right, bro-bro, let's just be cool,

and sit down and pee in silence,
like dudes do.

It's just...
I started a new job,

and it's stressful enough

just having my own wastebasket
that I have to fill every day

without Liz Lemon yelling at me,

and I just wish I had never been born!

'Cause if I can't even
get my friend Liz...

At least I thought she was my friend...

To respect me,
how will I ever run a network

and boss around those Jewish executives

that were trained from birth to argue?

So, I should just
give Liz what she wants,

and quit.

Bro...

You should just smack
that Liz in the mouth.

Sorry I babbled so much.

Thanks for listening.

I'm Kenneth, by the way.

Me too. I'm Kenneth.

Kenneth... uh...

Toilethole.

I'm so sorry Dr. Melvoin.

You know, I already apologized
to Vickie, and to fat Vickie.

Fat Vickie's parents were very upset

that she was dragged into this mess.

I know.
I know what I did was stupid,

and I've really learned my lesson.

Look, if I could go back in time,

I'd just...
I'd skip clarinet,

and I'd go to the spring
football with my friends,

and none of this ever would've happened.

Or you simply could have
not posted those pictures.

On hot Vickie's
youface page, miss Hooper.

Uh, hold on, Melvoin.

You told me it was the piano,

and that everyone went
to the King of Prussia mall.

Well...

I don't remember.

And I'm just so emotional right now.

Ha!

I'm sorry, how are you
related to miss Hooper?

I'm her Nemesis.

You bastard.

Don't do this, Donaghy.

I think that this school

has done everything it can for Kaylie,

but the only fitting punishment...

Is expulsion.

It's days like this that remind me

why I got into teaching
in the first place.

Kenneth, we need to talk.

I don't know, 'cause someone

who actually cares about my feelings

told me to smack you in the mouth.

No, don't listen to Kenneth Toilethole.

- You know him?
- Yeah. He's great.

We should all go get dinner sometime.

Kenneth, you can do this job,

and I do respect you.

Then wash my feet with your hair.

No! But I did completely
rewrite the show.

We're not even using
the word "dingbat," Mr. Parcell.

A Parcell man
has never been called "mister"

outside of an execution chamber.

Oh, boy.

The blonde ones, they turned on me.

They threw me away like
I was some kind of Judy.

Oh, God.
Is this how Judy felt?

Judy was nice and sweet

and wanted to get
a coffee enema or something,

and I treated her like garbage.

Well, then why don't you
apologize to her?

She's right behind you.

Oh.

Judy, you're so beautiful now!

Oh.

I just came to say good-bye
before I head home.

I wish we had spent more time together,

but I guess I'll see you on TV.

No.
Of all my children,

you're the only one that proves

there's any good in me.

Forget TV.

Let's go get that coffee now.

No. You know you can't do that.

One minute to air.
One minute.

I have to stop Jenna
from leaving. You just...

No problem.
I'll cover.

Day two of my fast, and you were right.

My mind is clear,
and I'm sharp as a tack.

Great, Tray, thanks.

My brain is working overtime.

I finally understand the ending
of The sixth sense.

Those names are the people
who worked on the movie.

Oh, yeah, and I just got

what you were trying
to tell me yesterday.

You want me to do my filthy stand-up act

instead of reading the cue cards.

No.

Jack! Help!

I was right about Kaylie,
and I crushed her.

That's great.
I need...

The whole time, she was playing me,

but in the end, she made
the biggest mistake.

She could not have been worse
in that meeting

than if she had wanted me to...

Son of a dingbat!

Tracy's gonna do
his stand-up act on the show!

What are we gonna do?

I'm gonna live bleep him.

Normally, I'd have to get
permission from Irene first,

but there isn't time.

You know why I love Dominican women?

'Cause they love to [bleep]
those big [bleep]

'Cause they eat all our [bleep] aloud.

I'd like to introduce [bleep]
housed in a [bleep]

[bleep], booooy!

You just ate a [bleep]
with extra [bleep]?

Well, you called the right [bleep].

That's our show for tonight!

See you next week!

- That was amazing!
- It sure was.

Kenneth, I'm Gaylord Felcher.

The head of Standards?

I have never seen bleeping like that,

so guess what?

I'm [bleep] promoting you,
you little [bleep]-face.

All right, Felcher, you don't
have to talk like that.

Well, who's gonna stop me?

Who among you has the power
to censor the censor?

What a surprise.

Whatever are you doing here,
Kaylie Hooper?

Enjoying my total lack
of adult supervision.

I just had fruit roll-ups for dinner...

At a strip club.

Do you wanted to get expelled
from school, didn't you?

Look who figured it out.

It only took you, oh, I don't know,

a million hours.

You didn't lie to me
about getting sent to school

in the "Middle of nowhere."

What I realized too late is,

you were talking about Beekman Academy,

right here in Manhattan,

in the neighborhood North of ware street,

otherwise known as, uh, "noware."

Now I'll be able to be close
to my boyfriend Henry.

Like hot Vickie could
ever steal him from me.

He's going to NYU.
To study acting.

If Pop-Pop had gone to that meeting,

he would have just written a check

and made it all go away.

You needed somebody
to throw you under the bus.

You needed a patsy.

I, uh, couldn't help but notice

that lacrosse ball in your backpack.

Too bad I'm on the board of
the Central Park conservancy,

so beekman won't have a field
to play on next year.

Well, good, 'cause I planted
that lacrosse ball there

to get back at a girl I hate
who plays lacrosse.

Her name is Jack... ie.

Jackie... officecouch.

Damn you, Donaghy!

Cato? Seriously, not tonight.

I mean it this time.

Aah!

Son of a dingbat!

Sorry.
That phone call took forever.

Where's Kenneth Toilethole?

You just missed him.

Again.

He had to go to the bathroom.

You know what?
I'll go get him.

No, don't!

Every time one of you leaves,
the other one comes back.

You know, I'm starting to suspect

that I have bad luck.

Dude, bro, where's Liz?

You didn't see her?
She just left.

Oh, I gotta go feed the meter.

Ohh!