30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 5, Episode 6 - Gentleman's Intermission - full transcript

Avery asks Jack to act as a mentor to someone besides Liz, but Liz has her own problems when her married 80-year-old father visits to cruise singles bars. Meanwhile, Jenna is mad because NBC has an obituary for Tracy but not for her.

I know I'm jumping the gun a bit,

but I had this made for the baby
at Hermes.

So she can ride the maid!

It is adorable.

But are we still in love
with the name "Charlotte"?

I think so.
Why do you ask?

Are you serious?

Lemon went to middle school
with a Charlotte

who used to rub herself
against a tree during recess.

I want to know why you would tell Lemon
something so personal.

I know that my relationship with Lemon
may seem strange, but I am her mentor.

And the Donaghy mentoring experience
is immersive.

There need to be boundaries.
That woman is your employee.

No, she's more than that.

I don't choose my mentees lightly.

They have to have the drive
and ambition

to be worth my time,
the intelligence

to understand the challenges
they're going to face,

the humility to accept my help,

and finally,

a life that is a bottomless swamp
of chaos.

Drive, intelligence, humility,

or the acronym "dihc."

I'm looking for dihc, Avery.

And I'm gonna take it
wherever I can find it.

It's been four years.

Maybe it's time for Liz to graduate.

Maybe it's time for you

to carry this baby.

Maybe you and Liz

can raise it.

Crazy hormone swing.

Why does everything smell
like onions?


Got it.

In here, you can see
one of NBC's editing bays.

Tracy Jordan,
the star of TGS and numerous films,

has died.

No, it can't be!

I'm not done with him, Jacob!

He stays on this side!

Kenneth, Tracy's not dead.

NBC News makes obituaries
for celebrities to have them ready.

They're just updating Tracy's to include
his recent submarine D.U.I.

Thank goodness.

Say, do you think I could get
a copy of that to show Mr. Jordan?

That way,
he can see his own funeral,

just like Tom Sawyer!

Tom was a fellow from my town
we accidentally buried alive.

Funny story, after we dug him back up,
he tried to kill all of us.

Hey, Liz.
It's your father.

Dick Lemon.

Dad, you don't have to say your name
every time.

Telephone etiquette is important.

It lets people know your race
even when they can't see you.


got a busy week?

Not really, I was gonna take this class
called "cooking for one,"

- but the teacher killed himself.
- Well, what about a visit?

That would be great.

With you and mom here,
the doormen will have to eat their words

about me never having friends over.

It'll just be me this time, Elizabeth.
Your mother isn't coming.

You always travel together.

She's not coming this time.

I want to have a little fun by myself.
Can't a guy have a little fun?

- What is wrong with you?
- What's wrong with you?

Your mother's home.
This conversation never happened.

I am a Jedi!

Tracy Jordan,

star of the fat bitch movies,
was also voted

"worst representation of a black man"
nine years in a row.

Perhaps best known
for his FCC fines...

And thank God I didn't anybody,

and thank God I my.

And giving the queen parvo.

This is terrible!

When I'm dead,
that's what I leave behind?

That's how my grandkids will remember me
as they fly around in their jet-packs?

Well, it's not fair out of context.

Her highness was sending signals.

It doesn't matter.
That's how the world sees me...

as some idiot millionaire.

Who, Mark Cuban?

That guy ran me over with a jet ski.

What is he upset about?

It's my fault.

I let Mr. Jordan see his obituary.

He's dying?

Fine, I'll sing at his funeral.

No, ma'am. NBC News makes celebrity
obituaries ahead of time.

Typical liberal media.

They do?
Well, then I need to see mine.

If they used any of the footage
from my shoplifting arrest,

that would be great
because my arms looked fantastic.

Can I talk to you?

My dad just called, and...

I'm sorry.

If this is about a personal matter,
we can't discuss it.

- What? Why?
- It's Avery.

She's going to be my wife someday,

and understandably,
the nature of our

relationship is a little
confusing to her.

She feels threatened.

It must be my "sesuality",

because I am so very "sesual".

You like that?

And maybe Avery is a little emotional
these days.

She's put on considerable
boob weight.

She's not used to that,
and sometimes she...

just falls over.

It's stressful.
But she might have a point about us.

Maybe it isn't appropriate for you

to still come to me
with every little problem in your life.



I'll solve my own problems.

Blammo. Solved it.

What do you mean,
I don't have an obituary?

I'm Jenna Maroney.

I played arts and literature in
the film adaptation of Trivial Pursuit.

I know who you are, miss Maroney,
but you're not on the list.

They only make obits
for people they think are,

you know, important.

Like who?

Kim Jong-il?
I never heard of her.

I should be on here.

- You wanted to see me, sir?
- Jonathan,

I may be in the market
for a new young person to mentor.

Sir, I have dreamed
of this moment...

But my fear is that
you don't have enough ambition.

The drive to deserve my mentorship.

There is nothing in the world
that I wouldn't do for you.

My attorney is waiting
in his office.

He will present you with a contract
to be my mentee

if you bring him...

My pinky.

No, sir.

Then you wouldn't be
perfect anymore.

- I won't do it.
- Exactly.

I knew that you wouldn't.

No, watch!
I'll cut off my pinky

and tell him it's yours.


is the willingness
to kill the things you love

and eat them in order to stay alive.

Haven't you ever read
my throw pillow?

- Dad.
- Hi, sweetheart!

Where are your glasses?

- And what's with that shirt?
- I don't need my glasses,

and this is an Edward Hardy shirt.

A very hip Latino-sounding blur

at Mervyn's said
I looked good in it.

Dad, what are you doing?
You're traveling alone,

you show up here looking like
you've been on spring break

for 300 years,

and earlier,

mom called and told me to give you a hug
before your colonoscopy.

Dad, look at me.

What is going on?

Honey, there's no easy way to say it.
We are taking a little break.

A break?
After 45 years?

Honey, it's complicated.
We're having problems.

Does mom know you're having problems?
'Cause she thinks you're at the doctor.

Your mother and I don't laugh
like we used to.

I don't know what happened.

Where has my best friend gone?

What are you talking about?

You're just pretending
like there's some big problem

so you can come up here and,
what, try to pick up women?

You think they won't notice you're 80
because you took your glasses off?

I will not be spoken to this way,
young lady.

You know what, you're not staying here
during your little time-out.

Your "gentleman's intermission."

Go to a hotel.

Or better yet, go home to mom.

I don't need you.

I'm meeting up
with my old army buddy Gary.

Tonight, we're doing a push-up,
and tomorrow,

we're going to a bar
called "Swingles."

Gary's wife just died
a couple of days ago,

and he hasn't returned the hospital bed,
so I can sleep there!

Now, where's the door?

I'm not telling!


You need your glasses.


Hey, girl!

- What do you want, Liz?
- I know I shouldn't be calling,

but my dad is in town,

taking a break from being married.

It's a gentleman's intermission.

And you want to talk about this
with your boss?

Well, when you put it like that...
with the mean voice and all...

Good night, Liz.

What's wrong, Tray?

Why are you sitting
in your sadness spotlight?

I seen my NBC News obituary,
Jackie D.

I look like a fool in it.

Certainly you can't be surprised

there's a negative stuff about you.
Don't you ever Google yourself?

Sure, I Google myself all the time.

Like when Angie's not in the mood,
or I'm alone in the hotel.

You do know that Googling yourself

means looking yourself up
on the Internet.

I did not know that.

That explains why Liz Lemon
was so cool the other day.

Liz Lemon, you mind
if I Google myself in your office?

- Sure.
- Can I use your computer?

How else are you gonna do it?

You are someone
with a lot of problems,

who needs constant guidance.

And don't forget, I never listen.

If you're open to it,
I'm very good at giving advice.

For example, with your obit problem.

Now, you've spent years
creating a certain public image.

But you can change that.
You just have to do what prince Hal did.

Who's prince Hal?

From Henry IV.

You played him
in Central Park last summer.

I don't know any of my lines!

Everyone thought prince Hal
was a drunken wastrel.

But when he became king,
he transformed himself into a wise

and just ruler.
He changed the headline.

That's what you have to do.

You know something?

That thing I said earlier
about prince Hal got me thinking.

I have to change my headline.

Yes, that's what I just said.
Now, if I can help you...

No, no, no, Jackie D.

I don't need your help.
I'm Tracy Jordan.

When I go to sleep,
nothing happens in the world.

He failed the test of humility.

I cannot be his mentor.

I'd love for you
to be my mentor, sir.

But unfortunately,
I already have one.

Stop calling me!

What would Jack tell me to do?

First, he would probably explain

that evolution
makes men promiscuous,

even when they're 80,
like my pathetic dad.

Is your dad pathetic,

or is he maybe,
on some level, admirable?

Maybe his sons would
respect him more as a man.

Maybe they'd stop calling him

a "bald wang"
in front of the babysitter.

I mean, can you imagine
Dick Lemon at a singles bar?

It makes me want to barf.

Those old men that hit on you at clubs
are so lame.

Or is it heroic?

Why can't they see
how idiotic they look?

With guys like that,
I always just say,

"who's younger...
me or your daughter?"

That usually creeps them out
enough that they leave.

Not me.

Why does Tracy have a news obit
and I don't?

I never thought of you
for the Donaghy mentoring experience,

but you are an unceasing
onslaught of dysfunction.

- Dr. Drew called me "unfixable".
- Let's think this through.

You don't haven obit because you haven't
done as much as Tracy has.

His movies gross millions,
his comedy albums go platinum,

and he owns the world's only giraffe
basketball team, the New York necks.

- So your problem...
- My problem?

- NBC News has the problem.
- No, I don't think that's right.

And you know what I'm going to do?
I'm gonna make my own obituary,

and show them how wrong they are.

Then I'm afraid
you're on your own, Jenna.

You have failed
the test of intelligence.

Oh, really?
Well, so are you!

How's business things?

I made several overseas
phone calls today.

I'm doing great.

Like the song,
I am taking on my business.

No, it's...


Forget it.

Shoulders back, Lemon.

You're not welcoming people
to castle Frankenstein.

I can't read any of this, Gary,
can you?

Give us this third thing.

My name is Ricky.

Dorothy Michaels.

And you don't look stupid
in that shirt at all.

- What do you gentlemen do?
- We work for the FBI.

Female Body Inspectors.

Tell me, was your father
a donkey herder?

Because that ass is...

My father worked
at Philadelphia power and light.

It's me, your daughter.
Elizabeth Lemon.

Elizabeth, what are you doing?

This woman's trying
to hit on her own father!

Good people of Swingles,
hear me out.

My married, 80-year-old father

is taking
a gentleman's intermission.

Great name for what I'm doing.

Just what are you trying
to accomplish

with this stunt, young lady?

I am trying to show you
how disgusting you are.

No, you're the disgusting one.

That was a terrible plan.

Come on, Gary.
Let's go hit that bar

with the cool rainbow flags.

A two-time cable ace award nominee,

and three-time
Tony... Shaloub sex partner,

Jenna Maroney
is perhaps best remembered

for being beautiful.

Jenna Maroney, dead at...


Jenna, you ripped through our lives

Like the passin of the wind

Read back what we have so far.

"Ideas to change
Mr. Jordan's headline."

Then you said,
"read back what we have so far."

Why is this so hard?

All I want to do is turn
into a worldwide hero overnight.

Coming up in our next half hour,
we're gonna meet a heroic cat

who saved its owner's life
by dialing 911.

What an amazing story.

That cat's a hero.

If I save it, I'm a double hero.

- I need your help.
- I actually have an important church...


What's going on?
I got a message you wanted to see me?

Yes, I know you're
interviewing John Boehner later.

You should know that he has
very tiny has, so...

Let him hold a miniature golf
scoring pencil

to make them look normal, obviously.

But why are you...

My God.
Are you trying to mentor me?

- All right, calm down.
- I am squared away, Donaghy.

I get four hours of sleep a night,
eat 1,200 calories a day,

and my closet has been on the cover
of organized living twice.

Damn it, I knew you'd fail
the test of chaos.

Is it really that difficult
to find someone new to mentor?

It's impossible.
I would never say this to her face,

but Lemon is above average.

She's got just the right amount
of dihc for me.

I hear it, and I don't care.
I've cast a wide net,

but even the junior executives

there's something wrong
with this generation.

Are you Jack?
Sorry I'm late.

B.T. Dubbs, I gotta leave for my ironic
kickball league in about ten.

I'm not interested in this position
unless I'm gonna be constantly praised.

And I won't cut my hair.

It's go time, Ken.
Are you ready?

I've got my hammer,
I've got my mask.

You just stop me
before I get to that cat.

I'll be right behind you.

And finally,
the weekend box office crown

belonged to the indie darling
Hard to watch.

Critics have been praising
the gritty drama,

and the performance
of its star Tracy Jordan.

Now, not to editorialize,
but if Jordan doesn't win the Oscar,

that would be the stupidest thing
since the following segue...

speaking of cats...

An Oscar.

If I won an Oscar,
everyone would have to respect me.

My obituary will read "Oscar winner"

instead of
"children's soccer heckler".

It would change my headline.

I feel like
I'm forgetting something.

I left Tracy Jr. in Atlantic City!

Die, hero cat!

I hate you!

I said I'm gonna kill that cat!

Killing cats is wrong!

Unless it's to make a hat!

My skull!

Jenna Maroney just saved
the hero cat!

That makes me a double hero!

Try to deny me my obit now,
you jags!

And tell people in lieu of flowers,

they can pour jewels
into my open coffin.

I'm very injured.

- You wanted to see me?
- No, Lemon.

- I did.
- Albino ninja!

I never should have
interfered with... whatever this is.

- Work husband-slash-uncle.
- Coworker-slash-little brother.

Right, she's not ready to move on.

It's true.

I'm wearing a Duane reade bag
as underwear today.

All right.
And for whatever reason,

he needs you too.

It's a symbiotic relationship.

I'm a mighty great white shark, Lemon,
and you are a remora,

clinging to me
with your suction cup head.

I give you a free ride,
and in exchange, you...

eat my parasites.

I'm gonna leave you two alone.

I already briefed him
on your problem.

The gentleman's intermission, yes.

Lemon, does your father
have a cell phone?

Yes. Jack is back.

If anyone can talk sense
into my dad, it's you.

I'm not gonna talk sense into anybody.
Your father's being irrational.

And irrational behavior
doesn't respond to rationality.

It responds to fear.

- Yeah, is this Dick Lemon?
- This is he. Who's calling?

I'm Tricia's boyfriend, you scumbag.

She told me what happened.

I'm gonna find you,
I'm gonna kick your ass so hard,

you're gonna be
throwing up my toenails.

There's been a mistake.

I did not do anything
with anyone last night.

Certainly not a tricia.

Now you're telling me
my Tricia's not good enough for you?

She's an angel!

I'll tell you what,
I'm getting my brothers,

and we're coming over there,
and we're gonna kick your ass...

- Dick Lemon speaking.
- How dare you hang up on me.

I'm a corrupt cop!
My brother's a corrupt fireman.

He's gonna set you on fire,
and I am not gonna investigate it.

That won't be necessary.

I'm leaving for Philadelphia today.

Dick, listen,
Tricia told me you're married.

I know men are meant to be promiscuous
because of evolution,

but you made a commitment
to a woman you love.

- I do. I do love her.
- Yeah, that's right.

You're lucky.
"A," because you have a family

and "B", because I have not
curb-stomped you

in front of your grandchildren.

Actually, I don't have

Tricia told me you have a daughter.
What's wrong with her?

I gotta go.
I'm taking Tricia to laser zeppelin.

You take care now.
Go necks!

Can I show you
a weird thing on my leg?

That's gotta be removed.



I look forward to visiting her
and her wife...

on their farm.

Like, named after you?

Like a little Jack, but with boobs?

Hi, I'm Daphne Donaghy
I saw a turtle!


She can strip her way
through community college. Come on.

I don't know about Christina.
'Cause then everyone calls her Tina.

And every Tina I've known
is a real judgmental bitch.