30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 5, Episode 5 - Reaganing - full transcript

Jack's 24-hour "perfect game" of solving problems is put on the line when Liz needs relationship help and Tracy needs to learn his line for a commercial. Meanwhile, Jenna, Kenneth and Kelsey Grammer pull a con on Carvel.

Listen, Greg, I've got
the next big reality show.

We put a bunch of people on a plane,
fly them over the Atlantic,

then Tom Bergeron comes out

and reveals that the pilot
is a six year-old boy.

We call it "Child Hell Flight."

Get out of here!
He is pitching a no-hitter!


Starting at 4:00 p.m. Yesterday,
when Mr. Donaghy

coined the word "innoventually,"
he has been flawless.

So why do I have to leave?

Because you have
so many unsolvable problems.

Like your mouth.

It looks like someone kicked a hole
in a bag of flour!

Good news, Jonathan.

"Child Hell Flight" will innoventually
be on the spring schedule.

Congratulations, sir!
Miss Lemon was just leaving.

No, Lemon, please come in.

When you're pitching a perfect game,
you don't walk Albert Pujols.

And you are the Albert Pujols
of having problems.

Perfect game, huh?

I haven't done a single thing wrong
in almost 24 hours.

And I'm including sex last night.

Here's Avery's thank-you note.

She likes that?

No. But she respects it
when it's done correctly.

Lemon, you may be
witnessing history here.

Making it to a full 24 hours
without a single misstep

is called "Reaganing".

The only other people
who've ever done it?

Lee lacocca, Jack Welch,
and, no judgment, Saddam Hussein.

So what have you got for me?

I need to get out to Newark Airport.

Carol's on a layover,
and I really have to see him.

You're horny and you want
to get some. I get it.

Ew, Jack, gross! Come on.
I just want to see him.

And I can't get a cab because Greece
is playing Pakistan in soccer.

- Problem solved. I'll take you.
- Really?

I'll drop you off at the airport,
and then I'll swing by MSNBC.

I have to talk to Rachel Maddow.

Only one of us
can have this haircut.

K-Swiss, I need to cancel my gig

for hosting the MTV International
Video Music Awards.

Why wasn't I invited to that?

My single is number four in Japan!

Choke me, choke me

Blonde-like choke me

I hate to bail, but I've been asked
to do a commercial

for the Boys and Girls
Clubs of America,

and I just can't turn down

community service.

Because if I do, that judge is gonna

make me join the Coast Guard.

Well, I also recently received
an unexpected honor...

from the Carvel Ice Cream

They gave me this after I performed
on their "Kidz 4-eva!" float

during last year's
Thanksgiving Day parade.

Ice cream

Hey, don't you want
some ice cream?

I don't watch the Macy's parade.

If I want to see
a 50- foot Spider-Man,

I'll just go into my rec room,
thank you.

Kenneth, take this card
and get a cake for the crew.

Oh, that's very thoughtful,
Ms. Maroney.

Well, one of the camera guys
just had a baby,

and I'm sick of hearing about it.

This will put me back on top!

What's wrong, Lemon?

When I see you
chew your nails like that,

it's either you're very anxious
or you handled some ham earlier.

When I get to the airport,
I'm going to break up with Carol.

What? Lemon, I am shocked.
You two seemed so happy.

The other day I saw you in the lobby
laughing together.

A guy on crutches bit it
in the revolving door.

- And he was so scared!
- So what's the problem?

- You ate spaghetti in front of him?
- Of course not.

- He got a fungus from your shower?
- No.

You had a fight about something?

No, we're not fighting.
We don't fight.

It's just...

I don't want to talk about it.

Lemon, I've known you for four years.

And in that time, I've never
known you to be shy about talking...

about anything.

Well, I found my first
gray toeknuckle hair!

If I could press a button and five
people in the world would die,

but I'd get free cable for life,
I'd do it.

And I'd been on the toilet so long
that my legs had fallen asleep,

so when I tried to stand,
I just fell into my throw-up.

There is one thing
you don't like to talk about.

Why aren't we moving?

Sex, Lemon. Coitus.
The beast with two backs.

You and I have never had
an adult conversation about boning.

Fine. Carol and I are having
an intimacy problem.

Okay. So tell me what happened.

I was visiting Carol in Las Vegas,
and there was a performance issue.

That does happen to men.

I faced it myself
with Greta Van Susteren

before her head transplant.

You know, why don't I call Carol?

No, don't do that!

I'm Reaganing, Lemon.
Let me solve this.

It's not him! It's me! I'm the one
with the performance problem!

What? What are you talking about?

I freaked out,
and my junk closed for business.

It's like Fort Knox down there.

I'm just going to raise the barrier
if that's okey-dokey with everybody.

It's kind of like that.

Tracy, let me take you
through the concept.

It's all one shot.

We start on a boy
shooting a basketball,

pan to some girls Double Dutching,

we pass the kid
who does a flip on a trampoline,

follow a skateboarder
who jumps the curb

and whizzes past you for your line.

What line?

"Boys and Girls Clubs of America.
Be great!"

We faxed a script
to someone named Grizz?

Scripts get in the way
of my process, Shawn.

Let's just shoot a hundred of these
and see what we get.

- Here's your cake, Ms. Maroney!
- Let's see!

"Jenny?" That's not my name!

I don't want Wheelchair Jenny
from Accounting

getting credit for my cake!

Take it back to Carvel.

- But then they'll just throw it out.
- So?

I know food's plentiful around here,
Ms. Maroney,

but back home on our pig farm,
times are tough.

We've had to sell off
Sally, Julie, and Poppy.

Are those some of your pigs?


Take the cake back, Kenneth.

You know, your little problem
makes sense, Lemon.

You have more sexual hang-ups

than an adult chat line
run by Gilbert Gottfried.


That was written by a computer
program we're working on

to replace you.

No, I don't have hang-ups.

You don't think
you're a bit of a prude?

A little squeamish and conservative?

Sex always makes things worse.

Jack, why don't you just say
you want some...

- Is that sex, Lemon?
- It is the way I do it.

We are lovers.

Oh, that word bums me out

unless it's between the words
"meat" and "pizza."

She likes that?

Okay, fine.
Maybe I'm a little old-fashioned.

I'm sorry I'm a real woman

and not some oversexed
New York nympho

like those sluts
on "Everybody Loves Raymond".

Wow. This may be the greatest
challenge a potential Reaganer

has ever faced.

I'm going to fix you and save
your relationship with Carol.

I don't need to be "fixed".

Has it happened before?

Yes. With my college boyfriend,
Joel Sucheki.

A couple times with Dennis.
And now Carol.

There has to be a root cause.
Maybe from your past.

There isn't, Jack.

There has to be something.
Go deep!

You think I haven't thought
about this? There's nothing!

Dig! Dig down!
Dive into the sexual abyss!

Stop it, Jack! Stop it!
Stop asking about the roller skates!

And... action!

What's my cue?

You know what, it doesn't matter.
I don't know my lines!


Tracy, we're causing
a huge traffic jam.

We're causing a huge traffic jam
while getting paid to make dreams!

We're the luckiest people on earth!

Now, someone get me a Jolt Cola!

It does not exist anymore!

Here's the money back
from Carvel, Ms. Maroney.


Hang on, she gave you cash?

Oh, yes. I'm sorry. I told the girl
I didn't have your card so...

She must have thought
you meant credit card.

How many cashiers are
at that store?

Two! This is fun!

Oh, my God. We can run
the short grift on this.

It's been years since my mom and I

used to pull slip-and-falls
at supermarkets.

I thought I was done with that life,
but this is too good.

We can pull an Arizona
double-back on them, Kenneth!

I don't understand
what you're saying,

but I like that it has
the word "we" in it!

I'd like to order a cake that reads
"Happy Birthday, Blenna."

- "Blenna"?
- Yes.

I'm sorry, Miss, but there's been
a mistake with this cake.

And I'm afraid I don't have the card.

Okay. I'm sorry.
I'll just give you cash back.

I need a "Happy Blirthday, Jennica"

Yes, "Bappy Hirthday, Gremlin".

Lemon. What do you want to tell me
about the roller skates?

Why are we not moving?
What is causing this traffic jam?

I'm sorry, I have an erection.

I think it's the sound
of the skateboard.

We're going again!
Everybody safely back to one!

Let me help you.
I am unstoppable today.

If it'll make it any easier,
imagine you're telling your story

to Reagan himself.

Well, Liz, will you tell the Gipper
your sexual story?


I was nine years old.

I was rollerskating in the house,
which was absolutely forbidden.

I was skating down the hallway,

on top of the world with my new skates
and my new haircut,

which everybody thought
was a Dorothy Hamill

but was actually a Pete Rose.

Anyway, I needed to go
to the bathroom.

But the door was locked.

My recently divorced aunt
had moved in with us,

and I was sharing
a bathroom with her.

To be prepared,
I tried to take my underpants off

over my roller skates.

I slipped, and as I fell,

I pulled down this poster
of the singer Tom Jones

that my aunt had put up.

My mom heard the noise
and ran and found me...

squirming under
the Tom Jones poster

with my underpants
around my ankles.

It didn't look good, Jack.

She thought I did it on purpose.

And she didn't say a word.

She just went in my room
and took all my posters.

Grizzly Adams.

Larry Wilcox.

Han Solo.

Tug McGraw.

Mike Schmidt.


Gunther Gebel-Williams!

She took all the people away, Jack!

Sex makes the people go away!

I'm going to go see
what's up with this traffic.

Oh, here's your money back, Ma'am.

Boy, they sure are making
a lot of mistakes over there today.

Do you really not understand
what we're doing?

Of course I do.
We're standing here, talking.

Adding brick after brick
to our friendship castle

so it someday reaches the sky!

With Carvel, Kenneth.
We're conning them.

I'm ordering messed up cakes
and getting them free with my card.

Then you're returning them for cash.

We're selling back free cakes!

But, Ms. Maroney, that's wrong.

And illegal.

If Cookie Puss knew,
he'd tear us apart with his fangs!

Well, here's your cut.

We're not hurting anybody.
Carvel's got plenty of money.

- But...
- Shh.

I need a partner to pull this off,

and think of all the good you can do
with that money back home.

They do need help.

And with enough money,
they could buy those magic beans

from that old hermit.

We'd be rich!

Take the money, Kenneth.
No one will ever know.

Shirt on or off, Shawn?


Good note. Back to one!

Hey, Jackie D!

Let's take a quick 500
so everybody can meet Jack!

You know him?

Please help me get his line!
Fix this!

No. I don't need any more problems
to solve. Especially not him!

I am the Sisyphus of Reaganing.

Yeah, that's the kind of stuff
I should be saying!

It's in my head now. Let's roll!

I'm sorry, jellybeans.

I know how much the Gipper
liked you, and I've failed him.

It's funny, I remember
George Shultz telling me

how, later in Reagan's presidency,
when his mind was resting,

how they would use jellybeans
to convince people that he was...

That's it! I know how to fix Tracy!

Make him eat these.
I'll take care of the rest.

Boys and Girls Clubs of America.
Be Great!

Oh, my God, we got it!

I'm on my way, Liz Lemon!

Make way, I'm Reaganing.

Don't you worry.

I'm sending you some money
so you can get your operation.

Now can you put a human
on the phone?


Well, Kenneth, it's over.
I got made at Carvel.

They figured out our scam
and gave me this.

What? No!

Sorry, it's the short grift.
You've got to walk away.

We can't stop now!
My family needs money.

But they're on to us!

I have another idea...
for a long con.

Kenneth, I know your intentions
are good,

but I don't like what this
is doing to you.

You seem meaner and stronger,

and what if you got a motorcycle
and we did it on it?

Are you in or not?

What's the angle?

Who else was on that
Thanksgiving float with you?

One last long grift, huh?

Okay, I'm in.

But one rule:

Anybody gets hurt during the score,
we leave them behind to die.

Now, who are you
and what are we doing?

That cake is worth $40!

There's so much
we can do with that.

Liz wrote this sketch before she left.

Ice cream cake-eating contest?

Okay, we'll gonna need
about 20 cakes for this.

I'll tell Props.

No, Pete. I'll tell Props.


Good afternoon. I would like 21 cakes
that read "Frajer Reunion 2010".

Isn't it "Frasier"?

No, it's "Frajer".
And I should know. I'm Frajer.

I mean, "Frajer"? Come on.

I should throw some tossed salad
and scrambled eggs at you!




We sold the cakes twice!
You're a genius, Kenneth.

$800 split three ways.

Those ice cream saps will rue
the day they ever tangled with...

the Best Friends Gang!


Why did you leave?
I'm trying to help you!

You can't help me! No one can!

I'm fixing you and I'm saving
your relationship. I can do it.

Look, sex is a beautiful,
natural, and joyful part

of our shared human experience...

- Hey! You two want to party?
- Now is not a good time, Miss.

It's $20 for a party,
$60 to bite me during it.

I'll do stuff with a dog,
but I get to pick the dog.

- People want that?
- This is not helping!

You wanna watch me be with her?
Me with you?

Me and both of you without my leg?

Thank you. Just take this
and move along.

You two are pretty uptight
for hanging out under a bridge.

Sex is horrible!

What is it?

It's 4:00, sir! You did it!

A day of perfect problem solving!

Gifts have been coming in
all afternoon.

It's 4:00?

And you fixed me, so...


- Send everything back.
- What? Why?

I didn't do it. I failed.

- It's her, isn't it?
- Sorry.

I hate her, sir!

Stupid Cookie Puss!

Are you all right, Miss?

I just got fired 'cause
Kelsey Grammer scammed me!

Forget trying to go straight,

I'm going back to working
under that bridge!

I know. That's good.

Kenneth, we've got a new con.

We're gonna go go down to Florida,
open a medical supply store,

then get Social Security numbers...

Through seduction!

I'm sorry, Sir-Ma'am. I'm out.

What? Why?

Because Ms. Maroney was wrong.
People did get hurt by our actions.

And, yes, my family sure could use
a couple hundred more dollars,

but it's not right.

A couple hundred dollars, huh?
I think I can help you out.

But I'm gonna need 50 to get started.

Kelsey, no.

I'm proud of you, Kenneth.
You've got a good heart.

I hope you get into a car accident
someday so I can have it.

Now there's only one thing left to do.

Beat you out
of the Best Friends Gang.

Well, it's been a pretty rough day,
but at least we're in Newark now.

What are you going to do
about Carol?

I'm gonna break up with him,
let him off the hook.

That would be a mistake, Lemon.

Yes, you are the sexual equivalent
of a million Hindenburgs,

but you deserve
someone like Carol in your life,

and he deserves you.

Because, and I'm only going
to say this once a decade,

you're great.

You're Liz Lemon, dammit.

In certain lights you're an eight

using East Coast over-35 standards
excluding Miami.

Thanks, Jack.

You go in there, you grab Carol,

you take him into one
of those unisex family bathrooms,

pull down that diaper-changing thing,
and go to town on him!

I'll try.

But if I couldn't get it done in Vegas
after a Penn and Teller show,

I don't know
how it's going to happen here.

Wait a minute.

You had your problem with Carol
in Las Vegas.

- So?
- The Tom Jones poster.

Tom Jones plays Vegas all the time.
He has billboards everywhere.

No kidding. There was one right
outside our... hotel room window.

Oh, my God.

Think back to your college boyfriend.
Was there any...?

Yes! When this happened with Joel,

"What's new, pussycat?"
Was playing on the bus we were on...

I mean, the room we were in!

And when it happened with Dennis,
he had just gotten a perm!

Tom Jones is the trigger!

He makes you remember
your mother taking the people away!

- Does this mean I'm fixed?
- Oh, God no!

You've got years of therapy
ahead of you. Probably electroshock.

But this is a breakthrough, Lemon,
and a big one.

Jack Donaghy, in my book,
you're better than Reagan!

I appreciate that, Lemon, but if
you ever speak ill of Reagan again,

I will smack those teeth straight.

U-S-A! U-S-A!

U-S-A! U-S-A!

He's at JFK!
I wrote it down wrong!

How was the sex?

Fast and only on Saturdays.
It's perfect.

I have been sexually rejected
by not one, but two guys

who later went to clown college.

And one time in summer camp
I kissed a girl on a dare,

but then she drowned.

He was the first gay guy
I ever kissed.

Standing up, what?
How does that even work?

You haven't had sex?


We have, of course,
pleasured one another.

No, stop. I believe...

Oh, stop saying "relationship."

I'm sorry, I was going
to say "climax."