30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 5, Episode 4 - Live Show - full transcript

Ten minutes.
Ten minutes to air.

Cast should be changing.

You wanted to see me?

Does it seem weird in here to you?

Everything look like
a mexican soap opera.

I don't know.
Does it?

God, I can see every line
and pore on your face!

It looks like a YMCA climbing wall.

My face cream was recalled.

Apparently
it was destroying the lab rats...

What is that word?
Brains.



I just wanted to let you know
that while Avery is pregnant,

I am giving up drinking.

She can't drink, I won't drink.

I don't know
if that's a good idea for you.

Remember what happened that time
I tried to give up refined sugars?

Looking good, Liz.

Our bodies, we don't want
all that processed junk.

I don't know
if you've read Michael Pollan...

Who wants donuts?

I'll kill you!

Why are you better-looking
in your memory?

My memory has Seinfeld money.

Don't worry for me.

It has always been about the ritual.
I just have to replace the ritual.



And Avery got me this nice tea set,

some knitting needles and yarn

and a book on sleight-of-hand magic.

That's as far as I've gotten.

Well, if that's it,
I'm going to go downstairs.

Have a good show.

I'm dreading watching it sober.

Jack knows it's my birthday, right?

Let me see.

I have my master list
of staff birthdays right here.

I seem to have forgotten
to put you on it.

Is this because
of that joke I made the other day?

Jonathan, give me a pen?

Yeah, chal boy, get in here.

You'll never be a millionaire.

Slumdog millionaire ref.

Slammo.

Don't know
what you're talking about.

Whatever, Jack will remember
because we're friends.

Also, it's a pretty big birthday.

Are you turning 1,000?

Really, you want to play this game
with a comedy writer?

Live show
It's the 30 Rock live show

It's 30 Rock live

Why, though
Do a 30 Rock live show?

Why 30 Rock live?

Because this is my gift
to you our audience!

Hi, Jadwiga.

Hello.

I haven't seen you in a while.

Yes, bullet in brain move.

Much hospital.

I'm glad to see you back.

I wanted to let you know
there's probably gonna be

some kind of a party later
because it's my birthday.

Happy days is my favorite show.

Yes Happy days it's a great show,
but there might be a mess,

Are we understanding each other?

I clean you now?

You don't have to clean me.

You may have to clean up
after a surprise party later

cause it's my birthday,
and it's a big one.

What are we doing, Jadwiga?

I like Fonzi.

His office is bathroom,
just like Jadwiga.

Good talk, Jadwiga.

Got your messages.

A Mr. Brett favre stopped by,

and dropped off
this picture of a hot dog.

Finally.

And the chilean miners are all out,

and they're angry
about what you said about them.

I guess they're geniuses
for getting stuck in a mine.

Also your pharmacy called,

apparently you can't
get a prescription for ecstacy.

Thanks, Obama care.

If you need somebody to scream at,
I'm right here.

Hello, Ms. Lemon.

What's up, giggly?

I don't know.

Mr. Hornberger needs to see you
in Mr. Jordan's dressing room.

I wonder why.

I don't know.
You better find out.

Surprise, Liz.

Tracy has come up
with a new way to ruin the show.

What? No, I told you,
your lizard can't be the musical guest.

Of course, not.
His album doesn't drop until December.

For the first time ever

Tracy watched the non-porn version
of the Carol Burnett Show.

Sure.

It was funnier
than the porn version,

and the best part is when the actors
started cracking up.

They laughed so hard
they couldn't even finish the skit.

Your point is?

I would like to do that, please.

Do what?

Crack up instead of saying
these stupid lines I wrote.

Stupid lines I wrote,
and, no, we're not doing that.

You never take
my creative suggestions.

The only one I remember
is you wanted

to hire those two strippers
to dance behind you.

You should have.
Those dudes were awesome.

And so is my crack-up idea.

What are you talking about
is called breaking,

you know, sure, audiences
love it when something goes wrong.

We don't do that here.
It's cheap.

So no breaking.
Promise?

I promise.

I swear on my mother's grape.

- Did you say grave or grape?
- Yes, good-bye.

Gentlemen, tonight I'm gonna laugh
harder than I did at Dotcom's play.

It was Angels in America, Trey!

Mr. Donaghy called.

Why are you giggling?
It's very misleading.

I don't know.
I'm sorry, it's just...

Mr. Lutz is wearing
the most hilarious t-shirt,

and every time I see it,
just take a look!

JE SUIS AVEC L'IDIOT.

Whoever standing next to him,
it's stupid!

That guy is stupid.

Now, she's stupid.

Now they are.

Now I were.

Anyway...

Mr. Donaghy called
while you were in with Mr. Jordan.

He needs to see you right away.

I almost forgot.
Happy birthday.

The song.

Legal says
we can't use it in the sketch,

but we can use

It's your B-day, Bitch
by Snooki's mom.

Wait,
did I just hear that correctly?

Because last year, I wrote a song
called It's your Birthday, Slut.

Does her track
sound anything like this?

You say that it's your birthday
Time to skank it up hard

Choke a cup with your panties

Did you just knit that?

I need a drink!

Already?

- We can get through this.
- It turns out it's not the ritual.

According to a bunch
of on-line questionnaires,

I have a drinking problem.

God, I have a splitting headache!

Replace the ritual.
Could you come over here, please?

Finish the magic book?

I cannot divulge my secrets.

I don't wanna let Avery down,
but this is so hard.

Distract me, Lemon.

Entertain me.

Open on
the Covent Garden flower market!

The year?
1892!

Flowers!
Flowers for sale!

Get out of here!

Did he remember your birthday?

Oh, come on!

What's up, New York?
Tracy Jordan in the house!

You're the real stars!

Not really!

Fox News.
A division of Fox nonsense incorporated.

Welcome back to Fox News.

I'm blonde.

President Obama, in your own words,

why are you a terrorist
who hates America?

That's an excellent question.

I'm doing something
called "breaking"!

Snort!

Giggle-giggle!

The audience loves this.

Oh, that idiot.

- Fine, just go to commercial.
- Go to commercial.

Erectile dysfunction.

It's not just a dog problem anymore.

It also affects millions of men.

Hello.
I'm "doctor" Leo Spaceman.

For too long, e.d.
Has been viewed as a physical problem.

And it's been treated with pills

and ointments and contraptions

whose straps break all too easily.

But couldn't the real cause of e.d.

Be that we haven't produced
a good doing-it song

since Close the Door
by Teddy Pendergrass?

That's why I recorded an album.

Baby, let's take it slow

You know we got all night

Light some candles, draw a bath

And start off
with full-on intercourse!

Guaranteed
to end erectile dysfunction,

these are the sweet sounds
of Dr. Leo Spaceman's Love Storm.

An ultra-strength audio rebonulator.

Baby

Let's let the dog watch us

Do you think he understands

The love that we have?

Oops, I'm finished

Call yourself a cab

Hey, idiot!

I know we're not usually
the most grateful bunch,

but everybody here,
and I mean, everybody,

is signing this birthday card
for Jadwiga, the cleaning lady.

Really.
Jadwiga's birthday.

I lookout for her,
we're friends with benefits.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

I can't be.
I'm missing that part of my brain.

Why are you doing this?

Why does anybody do anything?

They're rich or have attention
deficit disorder.

Look at Lutz's shirt.

You are ruining the show.
No more laughing.

All right. No more laughing.
I promise.

Krout's honor.

Did you say scout or krout?

Carol, I knew you wouldn't
forget me today.

No nonessential chatter, Liz.
I'm having the worst flight of my life.

We got wind shears, lightning,
severe turbulence.

The in-flight meal was a frittata.

Oh, my God. At night?

Lizzie, if something were to happen,
I want you to know that...

I need you to go to my apartment
and just clear out all the porn

before my mom gets there.

That's it?

I also need you to TiVO Bones for me
in case I survive.

You know what, Carol,
today is a very special day,

and you should have known that,
and you can't use cell phones on planes.

No, that's just something
we tell passengers.

Hold on.

I think I just screwed up
something with my girlfriend.

I have always loved you.

- Not now, Kevin.
- Copy that.

How could you let Tracy
do that to me?

- Don't worry, it's under control.
- I am a professional.

I have never broken
during a performance, ever.

I was on stage in Pippin
with Irene Ryan when she died,

and I kept on going.

That is why you are so amazing.

I will never break.

But if he pulls that stunt again,
I will have a wardrobe malfunction.

Yes, I will slip a nip, Liz.

So help me, I will slip a nip.

Hi, Jadwiga. How are you?

Sit on it.

- Are you sniffing paint?
- Of course I am!

Men need alcohol.

It's the first thing every civilization
makes along with weapons

and shelters to enjoy prostitutes.

I don't know how much more of this
I can take.

The worst day of my life.

Your life?
Of your life?

How are we going to make this
about you?

It's my birthday! It's my 40th birthday,
and no one remembered!

Damn you, she-beasts!

What?

You and Avery.
You lay these traps to make me fail!

I'm sorry I forgot your birthday.

It's not my best day.
I'm not myself right now.

Please accept this $1,000
as my gift to you.

I will take this on principle,
but it doesn't fix anything.

This is what happens to people like us
who put work ahead of everything else.

Does it mean that what happened
can be used to power a lumbermill?

All night.

You were really fit back then.

Yes, but my penis was smaller.

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty.
I mean, I know who I am.

I know I'm not
the funnest person in the group.

I'm not the one you call
when you want to go clubbing on the town

and party dancing all night.

Why are you speaking
like a Persian immigrant?

But I thought I at least
these dummies would do something for me

besides light a bunch of fires
I have to put out.

I thought when I turned 40...

40.

I could really drink a forty
right now.

Oprah, this is what the inside
of a child's face looks like.

My Oprah wig is falling off!

This is an exciting mishap!

This is live !

What the blurg?

Have you been drinking?

I mean, I had a bottle of wine
with dinner.

Can I smell your mouth?

I thought you'd never ask.

I needed that. I have been giving up
drinking while Avery is pregnant,

- and it's really hard.
- Of course.

But being with someone
means making sacrifices.

I've learned by being with Paul.
It's made me more mature.

It is nipple time !

Now my mustache is askew!

That thing fell off!

And that thing, too!

My shirt
is accidentally falling off!

America!

I warned you, Liz!
And now I'm slipping a nip!

- The big one!
- Go to commercial!

Hi, I'm Dr. Drew Baird.

Every year, dozens of people
lose a hand to a helicopter

or fireworks mishap.
Or, in my case, both.

But now there's hope.

Thanks to an idea that started
as a pitch for a horror movie and grew

into a charitable organization,

hands from executed criminals
are now making life better

for people all over the world.

People like me.

But we can't do it without your support.
So give...

and give someone a hand.

Sorry.
I'm trying to do a thumbs-up here.

It doesn't always listen.

God, no.
That's a Black Power thing.

Why are you doing this?

Bad hand!

God, it's got my testicles!

Listen up.
We forgot Liz Lemon's birthday.

Her 40th birthday.

How?
You gave me your list!

Never mind how it happened.
That's water under the bridge.

I'm sorry,
we don't have that expression in Canada.

Does it mean that what happened
can be used to power a lumbermill?

It means that we're going to do
something nice for our friend Liz Lemon,

'cause she takes care of us.
We're going to take care of her,

even if we are currently sober
for the first time in ten years.

Not me.

I just got my ten-year drunk chip.

Thank you.

Pete, what can you pull together?
Is time to do something for Liz on air?

Not really. I mean, I could cut
the product placement for Capital One.

You can't do that.
The Capital One venture card is amazing.

They give double miles every day
for every purchase!

Or the cast could say something
during goodnights.

No, it has to be big enough that Liz
will believe we planned it all along.

I've got an idea!

What if...

we...

Spit it out!

Please set yourself for goodnight.

Did you crash?

No, but it was pretty scary.

I mean, not like the stuff I saw
in the Air Force, of course.

Like this one time a bunch
of us pilots got together

and went to a haunted house in Germany.
It was messed up.

Today is my birthday, Carol.

It's your birthday.
Dammit.

I'm sorry.
Happy birthday, Lizzie.

Don't worry. I've known these dummies
a lot longer, and none of them...

Oh, my god.

You did remember.

What's happening there?
Is that a surprise party?

Surprise! I was totally in on it.
It was really expensive.

Happy birthday, Lemon.

You, you knew all along?

Come on, you didn't think
we'd forget your birthday, did you?

- 30 seconds!
- Is that a polka band?

Happy birthday!

Wait a minute.

Wait.
Why is Henry Winkler

on my cake?

I like Fonzi.

This is supposed to be for Jadwiga.

- No, everybody loves the Fonz!
- 10 seconds!

You stole
an old cleaning lady's birthday

just to make me happy?

In my defense,

yes.

That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me!

Five seconds.
Five, four,

three...

On behalf of everyone at "TGS",
we want to...

Good night!

Well, I know your birthday
isn't what you hoped, Lemon,

- but at least it was memorable.
- You know what?

It was perfect.

It was the best of both worlds.
It was... Yeah, sorry.

It's the best of both worlded.

I got to feel martyred
and indignant all day,

and I still got to eat cake
off the floor.

But, I still have one birthday wish.

I want to you have a drink with me.

I know Avery doesn't want me to,

but it's dangerous to say no
to an old spinster.

You might turn me into a crow.

To you, Liz Lemon.

You're halfway to death.

That's more like it.