30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 5, Episode 22 - Everything Sunny All the Time Always - full transcript

When Avery is kidnapped while on assignment in North Korea, Jack turns to an old girlfriend to get her released. Meanwhile, Tracy makes the entourage recreate an inside joke, and Liz wages war on a plastic bag in a tree outside her window.

Hush, island baby

Tomorrow you'll shuck the cane

Your little fingers bloody

Prepare to be whipped

She's asleep.

Hey! It's Mommy!

I'm in Beijing!

Liddy just went to sleep.

Well, wake her up, Jack!

She needs to hear
her mommy's voice.

No, when she's ready, Dr. Kevorkian
says we have to put her down.

He's a very good pediatrician,
but that is an unfortunate name.

Oh, come on.
She'll fall back asleep.

No. Call back tomorrow.
She has Babynomics at 11:00.

It's your mother!


God, Tracy could have
cleaned up before he left.

And why did he leave
all this soda here?

What are you doing?
That's his urine.

He is not well.

Someday this place
is gonna be a kick-ass duplex,

like on "Diff'rent Strokes."

Conrad Bain once slapped me
in a men's room.

I just got to get rid
of all these boxes.

I don't even know
what this stuff is anymore.

Comenc? a estudiar these,
but then yo gave up.

Here's the novel I never finished.


"Liz stabbed Jenna repeatedly."

The Secret?

I gave you this five years ago.
You still haven't read it?

It works, Liz.
Look at me.

Ever since I started secreting,

I've become a TV star,
I found my soul mate.

You saw how flat Gwyneth Paltrow
sang at the Oscars.

I visualized all of that.

Jenna, the only way to make
things happen in the real world

is by taking action.

Well, I've taken Action.

It dries your mouth out,
but the sex is amazing.

No, I'm talking
about taking control,

I always think of a third thing
when I'm listing stuff.

If taking control is so great,

then how do you explain
your personal life?

I mean, look at the Post-it
on your sweater.

Oh, boy.
You're right.

I just have to care about myself
as much as I care about work,

starting right now.

I'm gonna clean this apartment
while I learn Spanish.

Last year, I used The Secret
to learn Spanish,

and now I'm fluent.

Rosa, I know
you stole my necklace.

I'll have your son deported.

Oh, wait.
I found my necklace.

Oh, boy.

Great news, Jack.

I've got a new life philosophy
that I call "Lizbeanism."

I see. And how did you
come up with that name?

Well, I'm Liz, and obviously,
my philosophy is simple, like a bean.

I'm fixing problems
in my personal life

the same way
I fix problems at work.

I saved the show.
Now I'm gonna save me.

Because Lizbeanism means
that I am a dike...

against the rising waters
of mediocrity.

- Good for you, Lemon.
- Check this out, Jack.

Tile samples.
First, I redo the bathroom.

Then I redo the whole apartment,
and then, the world.

I'm impressed, Lemon.
You're talking like a winner.

I'm going to give you...

...one of my neckties.

This is a big moment for me.

You're taking control
of your destiny.

No matter how strait the gate

or charged with punishments
the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

I am the captain of my soul.

That's from "Invictus."

Wait, who was the white guy in that?

Maybe someday you'll be like me,
running a billion-dollar corporation,

having people pay you for
the privilege of cutting your hair.

- Raising a child.
- You're raising a child?

Come on. I think Avery
is probably doing that.

Not really. Avery has been traveling
a lot as part of "NBC News"'

"Hot Blondes in Weird Places"

so she's been out of the baby loop.

Until Liddy is sleep-trained,

frankly, it might be easier
if Avery stays in Asia.

Be careful what you wish for.

According to The Secret,
it'll come true.

I wish Liz Lemon would leave
so I could go back to work.

Oh! Ugh!
What's pulling me?

I want to stay here
and keep boring Jack!

Oh! Okay! I really fell!
I need help!

Tracy, welcome back.

I think I speak for all of us
when I say how thrilled we...

Great impression
of a guy that sucks, Dotcom!

Look, we've got
a lot of work to catch up on.

Yes, sir!
It just feels so good

to have the Three Musketeers
and Dotcom back together again.

Smooth move, Ferguson.

What are you laughing about?

Oh, nothing, sir.

Just an inside joke
from when you were gone.

You kind of needed to be there.

No, no, no, no. No.

You three are not allowed to have
inside jokes that I'm not a part of.

I could have inside jokes
that you're not a part of,

for example, "Hot feet"

or "Ask Melissa about it."

But my entourage serves me,

and "Smooth move, Ferguson"
is not funny to me,

so it is forbidden, understand?

Next order of business,

Grizz's DVD reviews
for this weekend.

You wouldn't expect
a movie called "Somewhere"

to go absolutely nowhere.

Sometimes we use a song
to move a story along

And explain it to you

'Cause Liz is taking charge

She's in control
of everything she do

In her personal life

Hey, hey, na, na

In her personal life

But here comes
a story obstacle now

What's that?

Tony, there's a bag in that tree,

and it's right outside the window

of my soon-to-be-perfect-life

If you're not in the building,
I don't have to talk to you.

Trees are city property.
You have to take it up with City Hall.

That's your mother, Liddy.
Say hello.

Who's ready for Skype sex?

- No, no, no. This is the Liddy call.
- What? I can't see.

You people
have too much money.

Hi, Sherry!

I don't know why our daughter
would be afraid of Reagan.

Are you accusing me of not doing
enough Reagan time with her?

No. Of course not.

Listen, News wants me
to extend the trip.

But I can get out of it
if you need me there to help.


- You stay.
- Are you sure?

I'm sure. Bring back
some throwing stars for Liddy.

I will.

And thank you for being
the best husband ever.

So, do you want to watch me
eat jelly beans... real slow?


Smooth move, Ferguson!

I knew it! I knew you
were saying that behind my back.

How long were you in there?

I knew you wouldn't stop.

And now your failure leaves us
with only one option.

Explain to me why
"Smooth move, Ferguson" is funny.

Well, while you were away,
we ordered Mexican food,

and the delivery guy tripped,

and then Mr. Griswald said,
"Smooth move, Ferguson."

That story is not funny.

- Sir, you had to be there.
- Then I will be.

We are going to re-create

all the events surrounding
"Smooth move, Ferguson"

exactly as they occurred.

Maybe then we can
get on with our lives.

Let's get to work!

Jonathan, what is going on?

Sir, you need to see this,

even if it ruins whatever
you had planned for Secretary's Day,

like a poem you wrote for me
or whatever.

We go now
to a pre-taped statement

from super-crazy Korean dictator,
Kim Jong-il.

People of North Korea,
it is your dear leader, Kim Jong-il,

world's greatest golfer
and movie director

and best man
at Tom Brady's wedding.

As we all know, the decadent Western
journalist spy Laura Ling left us

because she can't party
as hard as we can.

- I know, right?
- I know, right?

But now another American reporter
has come to North Korea

because it's awesome
and we have enough food.

Her name is Avery Jessup,
and, like me, her hair is blond!

One of our own,
NB C's Avery Jessup-Donaghy,

detained in North Korea.

More on that as it develops.

But first, it's never too early

to plan your dog's
Halloween costume.

I told her to stay.
I didn't want her at home.

This is my fault.

Sir, if you say one more syllable,
that's a haiku.


I'm not afraid of you, City Hall.

Let's do this.

Don't go in there!
Run, citizen!

Look, Boehner, we're all upset.
I mean, it's my wife.

John, stop crying.

I can't understand you.

- I said he's busy.
- Is he, Jonathan?

I got a bag stuck in a tree.

Jack, I have a bag stuck in a tree
outside my apartment,

and I can't get it down,

and I don't know why
it's making me so crazy...

Yes, you do.
You said it yourself.

It's not just about a bag or a view.

It's about taking charge of your life
and solving problems.

I'm facing a similar situation myself.

Lay it on me.
Two-way street.

Avery has been kidnapped
by Kim Jong-il.

What? Why?
Is she a spy?

Oh, my God,
I already know too much!

Kim Jong-il runs
a vast propaganda machine.

Evidently, his latest insane idea

is to bring in a Western journalist

to report on how the free world

is being conquered
by North Korea.

And in food news,

you've had enough to eat today.

Now here with the weather
is Johnny Mountain.

North Korea,
everything sunny all the time always!

Good time beach party!

Back to you, Alereeb!

You have got to call
President Clinton.

He got Lisa Ling's sister
out of North Korea.

President InterBush
is out of the question.

Avery will never accept his help.

She can't forgive him
for not hitting on her

the 1996 Democratic Convention.

- She's much too thin.
- I do, of course,

still have some connections,
but my best bet is fraught.

I never should have broken up
with Condi via text message.

You broke up
with Condoleezza Rice by text?

"Me plus you equals frowny face."

- Yeah, you can't call her.
- I know.

But I am going to solve this,
just like you are going to solve

your equally important
bag-in-a-tree situation.

"Invictus," Lemon.

Now that I've killed that bug,
I'd like to call

this "Smooth Move, Ferguson"
re-creation meeting to order.

Kenneth, report.

Well, sir, we've got
the delivery guy booked,

but I've run into some big problems.

For example,
it was raining that day.

Get a rain machine!
Look, here, take my credit card.

Use it to break into a special-effects
warehouse to steal one.

Well, sir,
even if we did that,

there are some things
we can't control.

We don't remember
what we were wearing.

- Dotcom was sick...
- Security footage.

Dotcom licks
the subway steps.

These are solvable problems.

Well, what about this?

Miss Maroney was here,
screaming at Mr. Rossitano.

Later that day,
she got her hair cut.

Aw, thank you.

The point is,
her hair was longer then.

J-Mo, how long would it take
for your hair to grow back?

It depends. Do you have access
to horse semen?

- You know I do.
- Give me three weeks.

Then, we'll reconvene in three weeks!
Meeting is adjourned!

Oh, my God!
What happened to my bug?

Stupid grappling hook!
Can't catch one little bag?

You think I'm giving up?

Did I give up when that squirrel
I trained to retrieve you

just ran away?

You will not win, Mr. Bag!

But, Liz, I already have.

- What did you say?
- Jack's wrong.

No human is truly
the master of his fate.

Even your dream apartment
can't protect you from death.

I'm not ruining your view.

I'm reminding you
of your mortality,

'cause you know I'll be here
long after you're gone,

the wind rustling
against my genitals.

That's right,
bags have genitals.

- You don't know me.
- Go ahead, buy nesting tables.

Paint an accent wall.

I'll watch the EMTs
take you out in my cousin,

a body bag.

K-9, Operation Ferguson
status report!

Rain, check.

Room temperature, check.

Ms. Maroney's hair length,

Do you like it?

If you say no, I'll drown myself.

Mr. Griswald, could you put the TV
on the right channel, MSNBC?

- Was Dotcom standing that gay?
- No, sir, he was not.

...today denying reports
that Jessup-Donaghy

is anchoring a fake
Western news channel,

calling the accusations
"as ridiculous as the dunk

Kim Jong-il won
the NBA dunk contest with."

Hey, what's my boy KJ
doing on TV?

That's Kim Jong-il.

Yeah. We did a movie together
that he directed and co-starred in.

Death to the CIA!

Let us all increase production
of millet and sunflowers!

I defuse bomb, black partner.
Hasta la vista, baby.

Dude, I think you did
a North Korean propaganda film.

It was either that
or play a rapping doorman

in a Kate Hudson movie.

Oh, okay.

He's coming.
Places, everyone.

Smooth move, Ferguson.

I get it now!
It's so funny!

Everyone, laugh!

Now, you sons of bitches!

Tracy, it's come to my attention
that you know Kim Jong-il,

and obviously,
I'm concerned about my wife,

and I want to know
what she's going through.

Please, hold nothing back.


But you might not like
what I have to tell you.

Kim Jong-il

sometimes shoots
in the closeup too much.

Comedy lives in the wide shot.

And also...
this is gonna be rough...

his acting notes are often vague.

Okay. Thank you.

What is this?
Oh, my God!

They're letting her speak!

For the past three weeks,

I have been honored to partake
in a political re-education regimen.

I have voluntarily taken
several floggings

for being an arrogant American...

That's okay.
She's tough.

We do a lot of pirate-themed
sexual role-play.

I'm a parrot.

Also, I spend eight hours a day
breaking concrete blocks

to learn to be
an obedient worker...

No problem. She pays $1,000 an hour
to do that with her trainer.

...and I have concluded
that capitalism may be flawed.

My God!

What are those monsters
doing to her?

Dr. Rice?

Well, look
what the cat dragged in.

Hello, Condi.
You're looking well.

You know, I've been to the DMZ.

They have signs.
Can your wife not read?

We're all adults here...

So, what is it?
Is she funnier than I am?

She's certainly
not younger, is she?

Condi, we are not doing this.

Oh, we are doing this.

I'm sorry that I
broke up with you by text.

I'm sorry I went drinking
with Karl Rove on Valentine's Day.

I'm sorry that I said
your favorite movie was lame.

"Mars Attacks!" is awesome!

Now, admit that I'm better at
the piano than you are at the flute.


Follow this, you turkey!

All right, damn it!

- You are better.
- I'll see what I can do, Jack.

Now, get out of here
before this gets weird.

You're the turkey.

You know what, Mr. Bag?
I will have a nice day!

I'm gonna hang you in my kitchen
and fill you with other bags!

- You will eat your family!
- Hey!

That's city property!
Put the saw down!

- No, no, I almost got him!
- Right now!

Look, don't think
I won't taser you, all right?

I got OCD,
and I love doing paperwork.

It's worth it!

- Avery?
- Jack!

Oh, thank God!

I forgot the U.S. Country code,

but then I remembered,
it's number one!

- How are you calling me?
- Nobody here's ever seen an iPhone.

I told them it was my razor.

I have to shave my legs with it,
but they have an app for that.

Oh, Avery, I'm sorry.
This is all my fault.

- I told you to stay.
- No.

This is nobody's fault.

Except maybe
that pansy Harry Truman

for not taking down this country
when he had the chance.

- Truman!
- Look, my battery's dying,

and the outlets here
are shaped weird,

and I don't think they have
any electricity in them anyway,

so I don't want you
to worry about me.

They actually love me here.

I already won
a North Korean Emmy.

- So if I don't ever make it home...
- Avery, don't say that.

I spoke... to Condoleezza.


Did you also call Sally Ride
and her sister?

Come on, Avery. Not now.
I am going to get you out of there.

You are married
to Jack Donaghy, damn it,

and the world
doesn't get to do this to us.

We control our fates!
We are in charge!

Are you still there?

I'm sure her battery died

right after I finished that speech,
just like I wanted it to.

Smooth move, Ferguson!

Smooth move, Ferguson!

Mr. Jordan,
please, let it go.

It's just a joke.

It's not about the joke.

It's about what the joke
represents, you monsters!

What do you mean, sir?

I came back,
and you were fine without me.

You laughed without me!

And that was our special thing.

But no,

you thought "Smooth move, Ferguson"
was so hilarious.

It wasn't!
It wasn't funny!

There, are you happy?

You dropped a bomb, K!

We were miserable without you, sir.

"Smooth move, Ferguson"
was just trying to fill a void

because Mr. Slattery's
political cartoons weren't cutting it.

I can't draw hands.

You're the one
who makes us laugh.

Never go away again.

Don't ever tell me what to do!

Quad hug, me in the middle!

Also, due to a paperwork mix-up,

you will not
be getting paid this month!

I did it, Jack!
I got the bag!

You were right.

No matter how much
the gate is strait

or who punishes the scrolls,

I am the captain of my holes.

Or whatever.

We are in control!

No, we aren't.
I was wrong.

Condi tried,
but Avery plus freedom equals...

frowny face.

I'm sorry, what's happening?

They're never going to let her go.

Avery is now married
to Kim Jong-il's son,

- Kim Jong-un.
- What?



Smooth move, Ferguson.

Put that coffee down.

Coffee's for closers only.

I'm here from Park and Kim.

I'm here on a mission of mercy.

- Your name's Levene?
- Yeah.

You call yourself a salesman,
you son of a bitch?

I don't have to listen to this.

No, you don't, pal,

'cause the good news is,
you're fired.

Oh, have I got your attention now?

The leads are weak.

The leads are weak?
You're weak!

Luke, I am your father.


Let's go, black partner!