30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 5, Episode 19 - I Heart Connecticut - full transcript

We need to talk.

Right now.

We know Tracy's not in Africa.

He's hiding somewhere
in New York.

What?

Don't play stupid, Walter.

We have ways
of making people talk.

By giving them
fresh apple slices.

Listen to me very carefully.

This show is my life.
I need Tracy back.

Where is he?



You think we
don't want him back?

Do you know how much
our COBRA payments are?

And he's the only one that knows
the combination to the candy safe.

The worst part
is being able to see the candy!

All right.

But if I find out
you're holding out on me,

I will no longer allow you to use
my office for your History Club.

That's ironic, because
next week's topic is fascism.

What about Grizz and Dotcom?

They don't know anything.

Neither does anyone else

Tracy's close to:

His wife, Charles Barkley,

Edward James Almost...



who is an Edward James Olmos
look-alike

that Tracy is friends with...

Kenneth talks to Tracy on Skype,

doesn't he? Just call him.

It doesn't work that way.

Tracy only contacts Kenneth
on special occasions,

like Bastille Day.

I'm going to go ahead and assume

that Bastille is a stripper.

As well you should.

Now, there's a chance

he may call tomorrow,

because it's his lizard's birthday.

Has it really been a year

since we were all at the Waldorf

eating that cake
made out of lizard meal?

that we saw Tracy eating from.

We traced the phone number
to a pizzeria in Queens.

Listen to me, I sound like Cagney
and Lacey,

but without the slutty clothes.

But you have to find him, Lemon.

Your show works with Tracy.

And this morning I figured out
how to fix NBC.

We will only do shows that work.

That's nonsense.

Do you know what
the business model is

in the entertainment industry?

Make ten shows and hope

that one of them works.

We produce more failed pilots

than the French Air Force.

$15 million, so far,

developing a show called
"Who Nose?"

About an investigative reporter
who can't smell

and has to get the story using only
his eyes, ears and other senses.

You underestimated me,
Congressman, because I can't smell.

But you made one mistake:

You let me see the documents.

So from now on,

no more throwing good money
after bad, only what works.

10 million developing "Dad 2.0"?

Not on my watch.

Your father may be gone,
but before he died

he programmed me
to take his place...

No! Shut it down!
This is terrible.

So what's going on?
Is Tracy coming back, or what?

- Well, I don't know.
- Well, what do you know?

What do you even do?

- I'm the producer of the show.
- Right.

That's what your wife told me
in the shower this morning.

All right,
well, we're all having fun,

and it's important that we all
be able to laugh together.

We're not laughing with you,

we're laughing at you,
you bald bitch!

Yes, Reggie, I am bald.

I lost my hair at a very early age

when I hit that gypsy's kid
with my car,

but I am still your boss...

Hey, bald bitch!

That's you!

Yeah, I get it!

He's being you!

Yeah, I get it, I get it.

Listen up, fives,
a ten is speaking.

As you may have heard,

the JennaBabies dolls that I've been
selling on Q VC have been recalled.

Apparently,
they were just being used

to smuggle cocaine
into the country from Mexico,

and that's caused some problems.

Let's just go to soccer practice now!
I mean right now!

Yes! It's 4:00 in the morning!
Let's do it!

We own this town!

JennaBabies were my backup
if 'TGS' gets cancelled.

But don't worry, because
I have a backup to my backup.

We don't ever worry about you.
We don't think about you.

That's right, Frank.
I booked a movie.

It's called "Take My Hand."

It's kind of an artsy character study
about a young woman

who has a lot of holes
drilled into her head

by a deranged veterinarian
named Slaughterface.

Oh, so you're doing
a torture porn thing, like "Saw"?

Exactly. In fact,
the producers of this movie

rented "Saw" and watched it.

So, let me know
if Tracy comes back.

Until then, I will be
in Stamford, Connecticut.

We're shooting there
for tax reasons.

On an unrelated matter,

does anyone know where I can get
intimate bleaching done

in Stamford, Connecticut?

Anyone?

I'm leaving to do a movie, Pete.

What? No, you can't do that!

That's what your wife told me
in the shower this morning.

Can we order lunch from IKEA?

What?

No. I'm the producer,
I'm picking lunch today.

Okay, we'll have
a contest of strength

to decide
who gets to pick lunch.

Who's next?

Welcome to Federicci's

What can I get for you guys?

Well, as hard as it is to believe,

given our apparent ages,

this is my son.

Seems about right.

Okay. Good.

My son is currently studying
at a local pizza academy...

Really?
Which one?

New York Pizza Academy.

Well, then I hate you!

'Cause I'm
a Pizza Academy of New York man!

So, what fraternity
are you pledging?

I'm not. There are no fraternities
at New York Pizza Academy.

That's right. You correctly
answered my trick question.

Now I am bound by Pizza Academy
tradition to grant you any request.

Wow. This could not
have gone any better.

We need to see all your delivery
receipts from the last 2 months.

Oh, you got that delivery-receipt exam
coming up, huh?

What a bear!

Here you go.

Take your time.

I'll be in the back trying to think
of other ways to help you.

Well, this is obviously a dead end.

Yeah!
Eat your weakness!

Congratulations.

According to the transitive property,

you just defeated Muammar Qaddafi
in arm wrestling.

Yes!

This would have bothered me
in my 20s.

Pete, how are you so good at that?

I don't know.
I never work out.

Help, Paula,
here comes the big girl!

She's got a clarinet!

Pete, lunch is your pick!

Takeout from Hooters!

What?
That makes no sense!

We'll know they touched it!

No one's coming to save you.

Oh, God!
Who are you?

Cut!

I just got a text from the studio.
We're shutting down production.

What?

But I turned down "Carousel"
at the Goodspeed for this.

I'm sorry, Dana, but our budget
depends on getting a tax break

from Connecticut,

and they say we're not portraying
the state in a positive light.

How are we not doing that, Shawn?
I'm a little baffled over here.

Yeah, no, it's just that we're
spending taxpayer money

saying there's a veterinarian
running around Connecticut

trying to make a house out of breasts
for the Governor to live in.

But there's a positive message
at the end of it.

"If you're a woman in Connecticut,
Slaughterface will kill you."

This must be it.

Yes, Ma'am. There have been
several deliveries to this address

of Mr. Jordan's signature order:

"Large cheese pizza
with one slice taken out

so I can pretend I'm eating Pac-Man,
like my hero Blinky the ghost."

I hear someone coming.

Well, well, well.
You found me...

- after I ordered Thai food
and gave you this address.

Yeah?

I'm sorry.
I thought my friend was living here.

And my best friend.

Oh, is this awkward,

because I'm your best friend
but you're not my best friend?

No, no one living here.

At least not since we moved in
2 weeks ago.

Wait a minute, was that stuff here
when you moved in?

A copy of "Black Yachts" magazine

and a Rubik's Cube
that's been smashed out of anger.

Mr. Jordan was here!

So what, Kenneth?

These guys have been here
for 2 weeks.

Tracy could be anywhere.

We'll never gonna find him.

'TGS' is going to get cancelled,
and then what?

Can I work here? I'll do anything.

I'll get in my bra,
and you can throw nails at me!

I'll dance for you.

Miss Lemon, don't panic.

We have other options.

For instance...

Mr. Jordan, where are you?
Come back!

For the love of God,
come back or we'll die!

Jack, can we talk,
one ten to another?

I'm an eleven, but continue.

Me, my ass double,

and a drill that once appeared
on "Home Improvement"

are currently starring
in a feature film

called "Take My Hand."

Really? Years ago, Universal
had a project by that name.

It was a romantic comedy

with Reese Witherspoon
and Patrick Dempsey.

No. Reese Witherspoon
is just a likeable version of me.

Then she dropped out, and it was
rewritten as a buddy comedy

with Dempsey and Josh Hartnet,

but everyone fell asleep
during the table read,

so we moved it over
to Telemundo,

where they tried to turn it
into a variety show

hosted by a supermodel
and a soccer ball with a moustache.

I met that soccer ball once
at a no-hands-allowed sex party.

Then after another round
of rewrites, it was picked up

by our low-budget thriller/
high-budget porno division,

SplatterFlix,

and now it's
a horror movie starring...

"any blonde actress."

Thank you.

Wait, that's our project?

This is exactly what I
was talking to Lemon about.

Three years,
millions on rewrites,

$20,000 in first-class flights
for the drill,

and we still have
nothing to show for it.

And we never will.

We just got shut down because
Connecticut's being a douchebag.

They won't give us a tax break
unless the movie promotes tourism.

Then, we make the movie
pro-Connecticut.

We are not losing any more money
on "Take My Hand."

Okay, we just need to hire
some of those ugly people

who have the paper
and change the shapes on it.

Writers?
No. We'll do the work ourselves.

Meet me in my dressing room.

I'll get a computer
from one of the ugly people.

And I'll bring
the world's greatest encyclopedia,

my mind.

Hey, is that a to-do list?

'Cause if your wife's on there,
I already taken care of her.

I challenge you
to the wrestling of arms!

- What?
- Arm wrestling.

On the stage. Midnight.
In front of everyone.

How about tomorrow?

It seems like it'd be
more convenient for people.

I'll meet you anytime, anywhere.

I just have to work around
a PTA meeting at 5:00

that I can't miss
'cause this week I'm snack dad.

Lemon, you look terrible,

and I once watched you eat oysters
while you had a cold.

We had him, Jack,
and we lost him.

So Kenneth and I had to spend
the rest of the afternoon

trying to think like Tracy.

I ended up eating
a swordfish dinner at a strip club

and Kenneth grabbed a cop's gun
and shot a blimp.

Well, tomorrow's another day,
so go home, have a glass of wine,

and watch a show
about wedding-cake disasters.

I can't go home, Jack.
'TGS' goes away if I don't find Tracy.

I'm going to wait up
and hope that he calls his lizard.

Did you make sure that Tracy
wasn't pretending to be

his own wax figure
at Madame Tussaud's?

Yes. There was some confusion,

and I ended up punching
the real Le Var Burton.

I'm gonna go get Jeremy.

I hope he's not still in heat.

He has gotten my top off before.

Here you go.

Did you know that Connecticut

is home to the oldest public library
in the United States?

Huh.

Could you use that to motivate

Slaughterface sewing
the sheriff's mouth to his own anus?

Of course. Elegant.

Should "Vaginatorium"
be capitalized?

Oh, I cannot wait
to humiliate that guy

in front of all
his meathead buddies.

You're like a new man, Pete.

Yeah I am.
Last night I had sex with Paula,

and neither of us
was wearing a Walkman.

Oh, yeah!

Why are you picking him up now?

I'm supposed to have him
until the weekend.

Shane wanted to come home,
'cause his dad's a loser.

- Did your show get cancelled yet?
- We don't know, Stephanie.

We're waiting for Tracy to Skype
with Liz and Jeremy the lizard.

You're a joke. David's taking us all
to Outback Steakhouse.

And we're getting appetizers,
'cause David can afford them.

Well, of course he can,
Mr. Big Shot Pet Photographer!

I hope you get sleep at night.

I never thought
I'd feel sorry for a guy

with a tattoo of a leprechaun
vomiting on a book.

No one's coming to save you.

Because we're deep inside
one of Connecticut's

30 beautiful state forests.

- 30!
- Please, don't kill me.

I still haven't tried
the famous seafood pizza

at Sally's in New Haven!

And cut!

Great! All right.

Let's move on to the scene

where Slaughterface
centipedes Jenna

to the docent
of the Danbury Railway Museum.

Hold on!
I just spoke to Wal-Mart.

They sponsor
wholesome TV programming,

and I've convinced them
to get into the movie business.

They will partially fund this project
if we make it family-friendly.

I can never find stuff
to watch with my kids.

Thank you, Wal-Mart!

This production will be profitable.

Jenna, to your dressing room,
to write.

It begins with the words!

Reggie, I need
to show you something.

Whoa!

Is that your deltoid?

I'm gonna beat you, Reggie.

But I don't want to.

I saw you in the lobby
with Stephanie and Shane

talking about David and appetizers.

Look, I know what it's like
for your kids think you're a loser,

which is why
I'm gonna throw the match.

Wow. You would do that for me?

You know what your wife told me
in the shower this morning?

You're a good guy.

Oh, Miss Lemon, wake up.
It's him.

Oh, okay.
This is it, Parcell.

We got to keep Tracy on the line.

So draw him out.
Don't spook him. Act normal.

'Ello! I'm a baby!

What are you doing?

I don't know!
You got in my head!

Hang on, something's not right.

Why is Jeremy acting so weird?

I don't like this.

Hey, Tracy, don't hang up.

Uh-oh.

Jeremy, call me
when you're alone.

I'm sorry, Miss Lemon.

Don't be.
I know where he is.

Merry Christmas!

I practice abstinence!

Connecticut!

And cut!

We're not done yet.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is Phil Rosenthal,

the creator of the acclaimed show
Everybody Loves Raymond.

The last great sitcom, still does
a 3-4 share in syndication.

I did okay.

I have a refrigerator
that's just for soda, so...

Anyway, Phil is interested
in getting into acting...

I got the bug.

...and he has offered to pay us
$5 million to be in the movie.

I'll re-write the part myself.

You know what?
Why don't we just get one as written,

and then we'll play with it.

You are a guest here, Phil.

Hello, Phil.

I never heard back about my audition
for Everybody Loves Raymond.

I'd wondered
if you'd made a decision.

Yeah, 15 years ago.

We went with Doris Roberts.

But thank you for tying
your headshot around a brick

and throwing it through my window.

Go ahead, Bald Bitch, go ahead.

Thanks for doing this.

I convinced my ex to drop off my kid
so he can see me be a winner.

You rock. No one's gonna know
that you did this.

Or that you're actually
stronger than me.

It doesn't matter.

All that matters is
I'm doing the right thing.

That's real strength.

Ha! I beat you!
We're getting lunch from IKEA!

IKEA! IKEA! IKEA!

IKEA! IKEA!

That's fine.
Don't offer your guest anything.

Wax statue!

Darn it!
I thought we had him!

Are you kidding me?

You have been hiding
in my apartment for the last 2 weeks?

What are you mad about?

I'm waiving the $60,000
you owe me in appearance fees.

Did you really think I wouldn't
recognize my college futon

with its trademark
absence of sex stains?

This is the stupidest idea
you've ever had.

Really? Think about it.

'TGS' is your whole life.

So where's the last place
you would be

if you you're out trying
to save your show?

Home. Life lesson
from an unlikely source!

The only thing I do here is sleep.

I know.
I've seen you do it.

You're having a dream.
Is this your only mustard?

Huh? Wha? Yeah...

You're the one who wrote "every kind
of mustard" on my shopping list!

And yet you still don't have
the one I'm thinking of!

It's red, it says "ketchup" on it...

Uhp, I hear it.
That's on me.

Look...

Tracy, I don't know why
you're going crazy,

but I want to help.

Just come back to 'TGS'...

You don't think I want to, L. L?

Then why are you hiding?

Oh, no.

Did you also spill ice cream on
your mom's boyfriend's record player?

As a time saver, I will refer
to the two of you as "Klemon."

I wanted that next level, Klemon.

Now, remember, to save time,
you two are "Klemon."

- It's a combination of...
- Just keep going!

I had everything I dreamed of,

awards, respect,

Justin Long's autograph.

But I also got expectations.

People thought
I could change the world,

and it's too much pressure.

Like the time I got stuck in
Temple Grandin's hugging machine

at the Golden Globes party.

You pretended to be in Africa

so that no one
would be disappointed in you.

I'm sorry I did this to you,
Half of Klemon.

I had no choice.

Sean Penn wanted me
to go to Haiti with him,

and I'm not strong enough
for the pain and the human misery

of a 3-hour plane ride
with Sean Penn.

I'm tired of hiding.
I just want my old life back.

Then, you need to make people
to stop respecting you

and start remembering
what an idiot you are.

You're off the leash, Tracy.

It is not a leash.
It's a very long skin tag.

You want your old life back?
You're Tracy Jordan.

Hulk Hogan
called you a dirtbag.

The NAACP once hired
someone to kill you.

You wore a penis hat
to Princess Diana's funeral!

Because I had worn it
to their wedding.

It was special
to the three of us!

You were the worst,
and you can be again.

You just have to go out there and
remind people who you really are.

Go trash a hotel room.
Expose yourself to Elmo.

Visit O.J. In jail again.

Attack the Lincoln Memorial
with a hammer.

I have to burn all my goodwill.

Then they won't expect
anything from me.

And you can go back
to your old life and "TGS."

Tracy Jordan is off the leash!

Godspeed, Mr. Jordan.

I'm the hero cop
and I'm here to say

don't do drugs
is what I'm here to say!

I can't believe that amazing rap

is available now on iTunes!

Are you kidding?

No one's gonna pay to see that.

It doesn't matter.
It's already profitable.

It works, Lemon.

To vote for Phil Rosenthal,
text Phil to 62288.

Vote? For what?
Isn't this supposed to be a movie?

Again, it doesn't matter.

People will just do it,

and we get 99 cents a text.

Well I'm not letting Rosenthal win.

I am voting for the Muppet.

To vote for Liz Lemon,
text Liz to 62288.

[Dinsdale]