30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 5, Episode 18 - Plan B - full transcript

Hey, Jack, the vending machine
is broken!

I know. I broke it.
I needed to speak with you,

and I knew that was the fastest
way to get you up here.

You bastard!
I trusted you!

Lemon. Lemon!

Is there any news about Tracy?

As of this morning,
he was still saving lives in Africa.

I'm doing God's work here in Africa.

Why, just yesterday, I kicked two
naked people out of a garden!

But, Tracy, we need you here.

Simba, Rafiki!
Click, click, click!



Yeah, that's right, I just put you
in your place in African.

"TGS with Tracy Jordan" without
Tracy Jordan is an oxymoron,

like "liberal government"
or "female scientist."

Or "Princeton football."

We were four and three
in Ivy League play last year!

Our quarterback, Henry Chang...

It doesn't matter.
The point is that, without Tracy,

'TGS' is going on a forced hiatus.

Forced hiatus?
Okay.

So, what should I tell the troops?

It's simple.

Sit them down individually,

tell them the network
still supports the show

and that this is temporary.



But you're looking out for us,
right?

Pounding on desks
and doing whatever this is called?

Power wagging,
and I'm doing what I can,

but I spent a lot of political capital
buying a new network for KableTown.

Is it TNT? Are Rizzoli and Isles
friends in real life?

It's a small cable network targeted
towards gay male viewers.

It's called TWINKS.

That's the name of your network?

Isn't "twink" a term for a young,
hairless gay man?

Nonsense.

TWINKS is an acronym designed
to project a positive gay image.

"TWINKS...
Television With Individuals...

Naive, Kinky, Shaved."
Okay.

If the network were thriving,
it would be one thing,

but my programming
has yet to find its footing.

Ugh, no.
Next.

TWINKS could be
extremely lucrative.

Advertisers covet
this demographic.

When I was with D'Fwan
on "Queen of Jordan,"

he spent $4,000 on chihuahua outfits

for himself.

Okay, well, don't worry about "TGS."

I'll take care
of this hiatus thing myself.

Thank you, Lemon.

I'd like to help, but
"I'm Afraid My Hands Are Tied"...

is the only show
anyone's watching on TWINKS.

The important thing is, this
"forced hiatus" is only temporary.

We'll be back before you know it.

Sidney, it's Frank.

'TGS' is dead.
Start booking me stand-up gigs.

How many black women's colleges
are there in the country?

What are you doing?

You just said we're going
on a forced hiatus.

I know what that means...
time for Plan B.

Harriet Tubman School of Nursing?
Yes and yes!

Good thing I kept my teaching
certificate so I can still sub.

Last time I taught,
I was like Robin Williams

in "Dead Poets Society,"
by which I mean I got fired.

No, Pete, this is only temporary.

Thanks for telling me, Liz.

We'll get through this.

Thank you.
Finally, someone with some faith.

No, I meant my JennaBabies and I
will get through this.

I've been selling these on Q VC
for years.

It's my Plan B.

This is Asian JennaBaby.

Excuse me, G.I.,
do you miss your girlfriend?

I'm good at math.

So it's not offensive.

Where are you going?
It's just until Tracy comes back!

I'm going back to the job I had
in Holland... police psychic.

A Dutch TV show is based on me.

Come on, Sue!

You can't just leave me
here with Toofer!

Actually, I'm off, Liz.

With my degree, I can always
go into architecture

or medical nanotechnology

Wait, what did you major in?

I'm sorry, I don't understand.
Oh. I see.

At Harvard, we call them
"concentrations"...

You're my last hope.

Please tell me
you know this is temporary.

Of course it is!

'Cause I'm gonna find a way
to save the show.

Let me just take out my idea journal.

Hmm. This just says
"Bird Internet."

He said "forced hiatus"?
Oh, man.

That's bad.

Simon, you're my agent.
You're not supposed to panic.

You're supposed to help me.

- Like how Fredward helps iCarly.
- No!

Listen, everyone here has a Plan B.

If there's a real chance that 'TGS'
could go away, what is my backup?

Maybe something with vampires.

'Cause everything
has vampires nowadays.

Have you seen the "Twilight" movies
or "Vampire Diaries"?

- I'm not allowed to.
- You need to get me some meetings.

Would you be willing to come in
for an Alpo commercial?

If you can get through the audition
without pooping, it's yours.

I'm a human writer, Simon.
Find me a writing job!

So, Jack, how's the baby?

Baby? Ah, yes, BAB Y...
Black-Asian Bisexual Youths.

Those are viewers we want,

and TWINKS
is gonna bring them in.

It's not a business question, Jack.

I mean your baby.
Your daughter.

Oh, of course. Liddy.
She is adorable.

My night nurse swears
she calls me "koskel,"

which, in Trinidadian Creole,
means "stranger."

Don't let work be everything, Jack.

Family's just as important as fixing
that "fellas that like fellas" network

you talked me into buying.

- I'm on top of that.
- Are you?

Jack, there's lots of things I like...
fishing,

marches by John Philip Sousa,
telephones that look like footballs.

But there's one thing I don't like...
losing money!

Now, I don't know if my tone is
conveying the fury I feel about this,

but I am, pardon my French...

bonjour.

Now, that's a joke,
but I am really, really mad!

Look, Hank, I'm already working
on fixing TWINKS.

I'm remaking "Knight Rider"
with the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.

It's okay, Jack.

You made a bad decision and bought
something you didn't understand,

like when I bought tickets
for "Black Swan."

Remember when a movie
was just a fella with a hat

running away from
a fella with no hair?

- No.
- The point is you failed.

But, unless there's a gay
Jack Donaghy locked up somewhere

who understands all this stuff,

let's just chalk this one up
to never again and enjoy our lunch.

Hank...
there is a gay Jack Donaghy.

His name is Devon Banks.

Are you okay?

I sense something,

a presence I've not felt since...

Lemon.

I've decided to hire Devon Banks.

Banks? But he's your nemesis.
That would be like

me hiring that mouse that keeps
pooping in my slippers!

Devon is the perfect man
to fix TWINKS.

He's a gay shark,
like the actor who played Jaws.

But he's gonna come in
and try to ruin everything,

and everything
is already ruining itself!

Not this time.

Banks put all of his eggs
in the Obama basket.

When the administration started to
falter because of our conspiracy...

I mean, Obama's ineptitude,

he tried to distance himself publicly
from your President.

The recession we're emerging from

was primarily caused by a lack
of responsibility and accountability.

Then he tried to rejoin
us capitalists.

Showed up at John Paulson's
Sweet Sixteen Billion party.

Nobody would talk to him,
not even Ira.

And he was all,
"Oh, I'll just look at these books,"

then pretended to get a text and left.

And we were all like, "Whatever.
We'll go to IHOP and not tell him!"

Where is he now?

I tracked him down
to an address in Brooklyn.

He's on Linkedln, Lemon.
He might as well be dead!

So I throw him a lifeline
if he comes crawling back like a...

...crab, I guess.
What else crawls, Lemon?

Babies, Jack.
You have one.

Hank Hooper is a traditionalist.

He had his first heart attack
when he saw pineapple on a pizza.

He'll hate Banks
and his hairless nostrils.

A man should have nose hairs.

Hooper will hate Devon, and he'll
never be able to go over your head.

Exactly. I'll pay him for his ideas
and kick him out the door.

Speaking of TV ideas,

would you buy a show
about a girl television writer

trying to have it all in the city
and also she's a vampire, I guess?

I like the end part.

Lemon, why do you have a blank
notepad with "Plan B" written on it?

Because I'm freaking out!

I told everyone
about the forced hiatus...

Wait, you said "forced hiatus"?

Yeah, I didn't know
it was code for "cancelled."

I thought we understood each other!

I thought we understood
that you are never to think

that I understand anything!

And you have no Plan B?

I've been telling you to prepare
for the end of 'TGS'

for the last two years!

Well, there have been a lot of
"Amazing Races" on since then,

and I had to watch them and go online
and comment on them!

Here are your options.
You can go to L.A.

I've been to L.A. Once.

Olive just turns into Barham?

- Justice for Rodney King!
- How do I get to 10?

It's the 10!

Rodney King!

You can't afford to be selective.

Opportunities for writers
are fewer and farther between.

What about opportunities
for storytellers?

Beginning with the cave
paintings of Lascaux, mankind...

I can get you a meeting
with Nick Lachey for "The Sing-Off."

I'll take it!

You here for the "Sing-Off" gig?

Yeah.

Do I know you?

You know my work.
Walk with me.

I'm Aaron Sorkin.

"The West Wing," "A Few Good Men,"
"The Social Network."

- "Studio 60."
- Shut up.

Do you know Nick Lachey?

I hear he doesn't even let you sit
in the meeting.

He just screams
at you to see how you react.

Wait, you're not really applying
for this job, are you?

Of course I am. You've got to take
work where you can find it,

especially now.

Our craft is dying
while people are playing Angry Birds

and poking each other
on Facebook!

What is poking anyway?

Why won't anybody do it to me?
I'm cool!

So it's really that bad out there.
I mean, you're Aaron Sorkin.

Speaking of Angry Birds,
do you know how to beat 11-4?

It's just a red guy
and a green guy.

The key is do not use the green guy
as a boomerang.

Did we just go in a circle?

Listen, lady...

a gender I write extremely well
if the story calls for it...

this is serious.

We make horse buggies, and the first
Model T just rolled into town.

- We're dinosaurs.
- We don't need two metaphors.

That's bad writing,
not that it matters.

Mr. Sorkin?
Mr. Lachey will see you now.

Mr. Lachey, huge fan, huge fan!

I've have all your albums!

Oh, you'll be proud of me,
Miss Lemon.

It is not easy coming up
with ideas to save the show,

but this morning, I held up this sign
in the "Today Show" window!

Now I'm just waiting
for the phone to ring!

Kenneth, you may not be able
to save the show.

If you want to save this dumb show,
you got to get the fans involved.

You know, like, sometimes people
mail stuff to networks

to show how passionate
they are.

They sent light bulbs
to save "Friday Night Lights,"

hot sauce to save "Roswell,"

and douche bags to save "Entourage."

Okay.

So we just need to think of something
that fans can send Hank Hooper

that says "TGS,"

something like...

Bird Internet!

It's about time, Cashmere.

Did you find Chana's Boppy?

Was it at...
Music Adventures?

Banks.
What's become of you?

Nothing!

These aren't babies.
They're organ farms!

Don't look at me!

Devon, explain the gaybies.

I'm a househusband now.
Happy?

I married a shiny black dancer
named Cashmere.

We mixed our sperm together

so no one would know
whose baby is whose.

Now, have you had your fun
looking at the freak?

I'm here to offer an olive branch.

I'm working with KableTown now,

and we've acquired a network
called TWINKS.

I could use someone on it full time,
a subordinate.

You came all the way out here,
to Brooklyn,

to offer me, Banks, a job?

You must be desperate, Jack.

TWINKS must be exploding,
and not in a good way.

You thought
that I would lick your boots,

but you need me.

So now I'm gonna make you
let me lick your boots!

- I'll keep you on a very tight leash.
- Fantastic. Continue.

I will not gay set you up again,
so I'll be very clear.

You will be under me, and if there's
one slipup, your ass is mine!

You couldn't resist coming
to see how far I'd fallen.

But that was your mistake.

Down came the rain
and washed the spider out!

No! You are the spider. I am the sun!
I dry up all the rain!

Yes! Freeing me, the spider,
to climb up the spout again!

You bastard!

Now, who wants some num-nums?

Hey, Simon, what's up?

Any word from "The Sing-Off"?

It's a pass.

But Lachey hated you.

So what now?

- You're fired.
- What?

You're fired.

Are you dropping me as a client?

What am I gonna do?

Jack can't help me,
you don't want me as a client.

I have no other skills!

Liz, I'm gonna tell you what I tell
my dog clients when I drop them.

Simon...

Jack, we've been waiting
almost an hour for this Banks fella.

The only explanation I can think of

is that he keeps stopping
to perform good deeds.

No. He's pulling a power play,
right out of the gate.

He's making us wait

so it looks like
I have no authority over him.

Well I'm a straight shooter, Jack,
except at the urinal.

But that's just a little shrapnel
side effect from Vietnam.

So when it comes to business,
I don't like these kinds of games.

Boy, I hope my tone
is conveying how annoyed I am!

You should be annoyed, Hank.

Of course Devon's crude attempts
at manipulation

don't work with a man like you.

Banks is not a straight shooter
like you and me.

For now, we need him, but as soon
as he stops being useful...

We throw him in a ditch!

My apologies, gentlemen!

I tried to call, but somebody spilled
milky all over Daddy's phony.

Didn't you, little Mykonos?

You brought a baby
to a business meeting!

I'm so sorry,
but this little guy's really sick.

He threw up all over my jacket,
and I just couldn't leave him, but...

of course, I didn't want
to miss this fabulous opportunity.

I'm always just trying to balance
work and family.

It's kind of what I'm all about.

Well, son, you're gonna do
great here at KableTown!

Damn it!

You know, one of my grandchildren

is just about the same age
as Mike here.

We should set up a playdate!

How's tomorrow?

Hank, could Devon
and I just have a moment, please?

Of course! I'll just entertain
this little bundle of joy

with one of my Uncle Hank stories.

The VC was everywhere.

Yes, they were!
Yes, they were!

This is a new low,
even for you, Banks.

Using your own baby
to get in with Hooper?

I brought the sexiest one, too.

His cheekbones are like granite.

And Old Hank, the family man,
fell right into my trap.

This isn't even baby vomit
on my jacket!

It's mine! All mine!

This is not over.

Oh, look how much he just loves
his Uncle Hank!

"Whoosh!" went the flamethrower.

"Medic! Medic!" cried the little boy!

Oh, how was substitute teaching, sir?

Just like "Lean on Me,"

in that a guy who looks like
Morgan Freeman swung a bat at me.

What are you doing
with those sugar cubes?

Starting a fan mailing campaign
to save the show!

People will send sugar cubes

to Hank Hooper to show
that they're sweet on 'TGS'!

I've already sent about 100 of these,

even though licking an envelope
is a sin...

unless you're married to it.

So I had to marry each envelope
and then divorce it,

which brings me to my ninth point...

So, you're putting a sugar cube
in an envelope

and then mailing it to Hank Hooper?

But then when he opens it,
it will have been crushed

into a fine white powder.

I suppose so, sir.

Kenneth,
do you know what anthrax looks like?

I'm not with him!
God bless America!

My thorax!

We never could have found him
so quickly without your help.

Thank you, Mentaalist.

It is a gift and a curse.

In the TV show, you bang me
in a tulip field under credits.

Mommy, what's that?

It's a toilet or a woman.
It's whatever you need it to be.

No!

People of the sidewalk,
we can't give up on the written word!

We need stories.

Because I don't have a Plan B!

I have a degree in Theater Tech
with a minor in Movement!

Why did my parents let me do that?

It's over.

Who's there?
Show yourselves!

You're one of us now.

- Who are you?
- Better to ask who we used to be.

People whose professions
are no longer a thing.

- Once, I was called Travel Agent.
- I was an American Auto Worker.

And I played dynamite saxophone
solos in rock-'n'-roll songs.

Come. We live under the subways
with the CEO of Friendster.

No! 'TGS' isn't dead yet!

Morning, Jack!

Oh, my.

Empty coffee pot,

same cheap $300 tie as yesterday,

nose hair all askew.

You've been here all night
trying to figure out

how to fight back, haven't you?

How was your playdate
with the Hoopers?

Oh, it was amazing.
Yes, really superlative tummy time.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Hank... Uncle Hank
wants to expand overseas,

and he's chosen me to be the face
of the company in Europe.

That's right,
I've been promoted.

But Europe is my purview!
I was supposed to go there next week.

I was going to take a picture
where it looked like

I was holding up
the Leaning Tower of Pisa!

Now I'll be taking that picture!

Do you have any idea
how strong I'll look?

I vanquished you in one day.

I was trapped in a world of wet wipes
and rectal thermometers.

Then the babies came,
and life changed.

But you set me free, Jack!

Now it's weekends in New York,

then jetsetting around the world
in Economy Plus.

I'll be thousands of miles away
from the chaos in Brooklyn.

Do you know what
it's like to have triplets?

It's just everything times three!

Three pairs of grubby little hands
smearing food

all over your brand-new
chihuahua outfits.

Three pairs of feet in their weird,
soft, little shoes.

Three pairs of eyes, brown,
like my husband's.

Three perfect little mouths that smile
every time I walk through the door.

Three tummies

that just want their num-nums
and zerberts.

Oh, God, I just love my gaybies
too much! I can't leave!

That's it?

You're just going to talk
yourself out of it?

I'm sorry, Jack.

But I had stuff planned!
I was going to "Trading Places" you!

Hey, I was bailed out of prison
and told to come up here?

That was weak, Banks.

I don't expect you to understand.

You don't know
what it's like to have kids.

Actually, Devon, I do.
I have a baby daughter... Liddy.

And yet you still managed
to be here all night

trying to figure out
how to bring me down?

Damn, Jack.
You are strong.

You're like Dora's friend.

- Benny the Bull.
- Benny the Bull.

Thank you.

Jonathan, call my car.

Okay, here's an idea.

We keep 'TGS' going
as a magazine.

Miss Lemon, it's over.
I applied to transfer to News.

I'm sorry.
I couldn't save the show.

Here, I'm actually not that hungry.

That's funny.

This is the same place Mr. Jordan
gets pizza from in Africa.

I'm sorry, what?

Oh, when Mr. Jordan and I
talk on the computer,

sometimes he's eating this
exact same pizza.

Africa's great!

We got juju monsters...

gum-gum trees,

and horsicorns, which is a unicorn
with a horse's head.

Kenneth, you beautiful goon!

He's not in Africa!

He's somewhere in the delivery
zone of Federici's Pizza!

We can find him and bring him back
here and no more forced hiatus!

I did it!
I saved the show!

I won't have to go work at News.

And I won't have to be
the world's worst hooker!

You want to party?

It's $500 for kissing,
$10,000 for snuggling, end of list.

No!

I'm hungry again!

Have you made friends in Africa?

Oh, sure.

Ladysmith Black Mambazo,
Paul Simon, "Invictus."

So, what's the weather like?

Crazy.

It's the snowiest winter we had
in years in New York...

in Africa.

Well, sir, I had a very
interesting morning...

Uh-oh, it's nighttime.

Got to go to bed
or I'll anger the gods.

They must be crazy!

Africa!

I probably should have realized
he was in New York sooner.

Bird internet.

[Dinsdale]