30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 4, Episode 4 - Audition Day - full transcript

Jayden michael tyler will
be the next tgs cast member.

Eight cities,40 comics,one
slap fight with a tsa agent.

I'm done. Jayden's the one.

Now we just have to make jack think

that hiring jayden was his decision.

Who are the decoys we will
be using for the audition?

Uh,middle-aged female
comic with a bolo tie,

one-man band who only
plays halloween music,

and australia's jackie mason.

Jack will hate all of
them and pick jayden.

Ugh,i hate doing this to people.



They all think this is their big break,

but we're just using them.

Call it the hornberger system.

You've never been on the
other side of this,pete.

Auditioning is hard. So much rejection.

Elizabeth lemon,i am represented
by suzanne's b-plus talent.

- My carpets need a deep clean.
- Next!

And then you call your mom
and tell her, "it went great,"

and you've got a really
good feeling about this year.

I know it's no fun, but you are
making this guy's dreams come true.

At your age,it's probably the last
time you'll ever make a man happy.

That's true,liz is old.

Uh,where are we on this audition?

Uh,we've narrowed it down to
four people for this afternoon.



I'm already not liking
some of these people.

It reminds me of being on the bus.

Come on,guys,these are people up here

with feelings and mothers
who worry about them.

Lemon,stop right there. You
are on top of the pyramid.

Tgs is a small pyramid, which
nevertheless will one day be your tomb.

You can't let emotions distract you

from making decisions about the
slaves who built the pyramid,

which,again,will one day be your tomb.

Geez. Sorry i'm not a robot.

We all are. But we're getting there.

In ten years,this'll all
be the size of a microchip.

But until then,you're in charge.

Think like a robot.

- Be logical and dispassionate.
- Are you okay?

See,that's exactly what i'm
talking about--human empathy.

It's as useless as the winter olympics.

This february on nbc.

30 rock 404

Tracy.

I just heard they're
closing down the set today.

Do you think it's for auditions?

Jennifer m,why are you so worked up?

Because it's gonna be a disaster.

Like katrina. Do you remember katrina?

That crazy girl from hair and make-up?

Nothing's gonna change.

They're gonna hire
some skinny white guy.

How is that a threat?

You'll do your lady characters,

and i will get onstage
and people will laugh

even when i forget
my,um,my--line.

- Lines.
- Lines.

Everybody's a threat,tracy.

You don't know who's gonna
walk through that door.

It's true. Anything can
happen in the audition process.

Oh,yeah,i forgot,dotcom.

You know everything about acting

because you played a bird
in some stupid school play.

Yes,tracy. I was trigorin in the seagull

on the wesleyan artspace mainstage.

He will know.

Vampyr!

Are they closing the stage
this afternoon for auditions?

What's on that piece of paper?

Uh,miss lemon did say,"keep
this away from jenna.

" but she may have meant the jenna that
works downstairs at that luggage store...

so i'm gonna give it to you.

- Thank you,kenneth.
- Oh,my,sir.

It looks like you got a
bad case of the chewdaddies.

Ozark kisses?

The woodsman's companion?

Bedbugs.

They're a big problem
in new york right now.

I don't have bedbugs,kenneth,i
went to princeton.

Sir,anyone can get them.

Back in stone mountain,even
the mayor had bedbugs.

And she was a horse.

I'm sorry. Am i interrupting?

Uh--uh,no,breckman,it's
nothing.

It's not nothing,sir.

Mr. Donaghy's got blue
ridge quilt ticklers.

Oh,sorry. Bedbugs.

Bedbugs? Can't those
live in your clothes?

That's true,Mr. Donaghy.

The mayor had to burn all her pantsuits.

Don't worry about it,breckman.

I'll see you at the,uh, business
development meeting at 11:00.

you know what,uh,we may
not need you for that.

So i'm gonna go now.

Hey,what's up,dotcom?

The great uta hagen once said...

"is why i'd like to audition for tgs.

" walter,you idiot. You lost a card.

Wait,you wanna audition?

Oh,dotcom,i think you're great.

But no,i'm sorry,you can't.

IF SHE SAYS NO...

I thank you for treating
my requests with respect.

Liz,i need to speak with you.

Beat it,grizz or dotcom.

I saw your audition list.

What? Now,i told kenneth
to-- luggage store jenna.

What are our options
besides jayden michael tyler?

A lot of good people.

You're setting him up to get it.

What,you don't think i know that trick?

You don't think i've been
brought in on a million auditions

just to make kim cattrall
seem grounded and human?

Yes,fine,we're stacking
the deck for jayden.

Let me guess what your
problem is with him.

He's a talented actor and
you're threatened by that.

No,i know him,liz.

We did a play together 20 years
ago,and we were best friends.

Until he betrayed me.

Hey,jenna,congratulations
on your nomination.

For worst supporting bra!

What play is that?

I will not allow this to happen.

Ugh. This process is painful enough
without adding your crazy to it.

Too late. I'm getting that
hot feeling in my head.

Hey,mom,it's walter.

I'm just calling to tell you
they cancelled the audition,

so maybe pray on something else.

You can audition.

I'll need a piano.

what is this?

CISCO TelePresence

It's cisco equipment,sir.

It's almost better than being there.

Is this because of my bedbugs?

I will not be ostracized like this.

Jack,bedbugs have become
an epidemic in new york.

I just think that everyone
would feel more comfortable

if you stayed in your office.

You like the cisco equipment?

Of course,it continues
to be the gold standard

by which all business
technology is judged.

Cisco,the human network.

This is what happens when
you live north of 62nd street.

You think i didn't hear that?

I can hear your hair
growing on this thing.

You are discriminating against me.

I am a human being.

Did you just mute me?

Did you just use cisco's cutting
edge suremute technology to mute me?

Because we've got to
have a united front.

Bart said that if we go in
there with the numbers all set--

i'm gonna come to your
house and crawl into your bed

and i'm gonna bite you
on the ass,do you hear me?

What do you mean,dotcom's auditioning?

How dumb are you? Is
there anything in there?

Pete,stop it. You know my
fontanelle never closed.

I tried to be strong,but i
just couldn't tell him no.

And now i don't have to,see,

because we're making it jack's decision.

Oh,we were,but now you've
compromised the hornberger system.

It's four people for a reason.

The first guy jack's settling
in,the second he hates,

the third is jayden,the fourth
proves how good jayden is.

The more people you add,the
less effective it is.

Like a neighborhood dad garage band.

Come on,it's just dotcom.

It won't be,because this
is what you're doing.

I'm driving a bus?

No,you're-- you're
opening the floodgates.

With a horizontal wheel?

Floodgate wheels are horizontal!

It was all under control.

Now everyone's gonna want
in and we can't stop them.

Hey,what the frak,nerds?

Pete told me you were only
looking at outside people.

Now dotcom's auditioning?

Frank,i know you're
a stand-up,but--

no "but. " i want in.

And i'm not changing my
act to fit your stupid show.

Liz,there you are.

I heard about this whole dotcom thing.

I'm not saying i want to audition,

but nicky motorulo from scotch
plains,new jersey might be interested.

'Ey,fuhgeddaboutit.

Actor emergency!

- Where?
- Here.

Pete and liz wanna hire this guy jayden.

He's evil,tracy.

He's evil tracy?

Oh,he's evil "comma" tracy. Go on.

Pete and liz are rigging it
to make sure he gets the job.

Do you know who else they're
auditioning? A one-man band.

Some old australian,dotcom.

Dotcom? Oh,no.

I once saw that guy become
trigorin at the wesleyan artspace.

That guy is good. I
can't compete with him.

Okay. Then we have to make
sure neither one of them

gets the job by finding
better actors ourselves.

Good idea. Let's go.

Call my car,i need to
go to the dermatologist.

I'm sorry,sir. But until you
get this bedbug situation fixed,

they don't want you
using your company car.

In fact,they suggested you take...

a taxicab!

Hey. Why are you scratching?

You have mugabe's
concubines. No,bedbugs!

Good afternoon,ladies and gentlemen,

i'm sorry you bother
you,my name is jack.

And i have bedbugs.

I'm not a drug addict.

I am an executive with the
general electric corporation

and i just need to get my medicine.

If someone could tell me how
to transfer to the 4 train,

i would be very grateful
to you for your help.

God bless you,and have a good day.

- Happy?
- No,not since i was a child.

What is kathy geiss doing here?

Her father heard about brian williams
and insisted she get a chance.

There's too many people here
for the hornberger system,liz.

What if jack actually
picks one of these weirdos?

Do you know the australian jackie mason
was chemically castrated by his government?

Liz. Pete.

Jayden. You made it.

So this is my competition,huh?

No! Bad!

Sorry. It's a little crazy here today.

Are you kidding? I'm
just happy to be here.

This is corny,but will you take a
picture of me in front of the tgs sign?

Yes,of course.

Thanks. Maybe this will convince my mom

to stop sending me law
school applications.

My mom used to send me articles about

how older virgins are
considered good luck in mexico.

Okay,well,i'll see you onstage.

I can't believe this is happening.

Okay,this may be a train wreck,

but that is the body that
we need to pull out of it.

All right. I'll rethink the
system and try to make it work.

Hey,at least we know
it can't get any worse.

If you are a funny gay
man,please get into the car.

I repeat,all funny gays into the car.

I'm not gay. I'm Bi-larious!

Black people,i know i've said some
terrible things about you in print.

But i come here today
on a mission of peace.

We need the funniest
fool here to step forward.

Kolandra!

That'll work.

Good luck on your audition.
You're gonna get it.

Don't jinx me.

Walter,you're going to get it.

I made you something.

It's a seagull.

Oh,Mr. Donaghy.

Did they make you ride
the freight elevator?

I walked in your shoes today,kenneth.

I don't think you did,sir.

I've just got the one
pair,and i sleep in them.

I fell to the bottom
of the pyramid today.

Cast out of society like a leper.

No one will look at
me,let alone touch me.

But you will,won't you?

Make me feel human again.

Embrace me,kenneth.

I've got a thing.

Et tu,kenneth?

you speak latin?

Then you understand.

The safety of the people
is the highest law.

It's just a math equation,that's all.

Just,okay--you put two
women in a row like--

who the hell are they?

These are some actors we found driving
all over this amazing vibrant city.

And this is a reimbursement
form for my gas.

I drove a million miles.

Look. I don't know how you dragged
this idiot in on your paranoia--

paranoia? Where?

Ugh! You are not taking
away the one good thing

that i get out of
this miserable process.

If you're talking about
hiring jayden,you're insane.

Just call anyone he's ever worked with.

I did. I called every
one of his references,

and they are impressive.

A commercial with martin scorsese,

an off-broadway play
with christopher walken.

He's even studying the meisner
technique with sir gilbert gottfried.

And they all said the same thing.

Scorsese: all right,let me tell you
one thing about jayden. I love jayden.

Walken: i love jayden.

Gottfried: i love jayden!

Was describing your sandwich necessary

to our understanding of what happened?

None of your actors are auditioning.

The hornberger system will prevail.

Think again,liz. The
hornberger system will de-vail.

Is that the opposite of prevail?

I hoped it wouldn't come to this.

- But now i have to ruin jayden psychologically.
- Tell me more.

I'm gonna walk up to him and
say the four most vicious words

you can say to a person
you've already met.

"nice to meet you.

" and that freaks people out,huh?

This is a learning and
friendship adventure.

Lemon,are you ready to get started?

Yes,i just need one minute to
send some of these people home.

Really? You're just
going to kick all of them

to the curb like so much human garbage?

Why are you being so
cold and dispassionate?

What? Because you told me to.

And you just blindly do whatever i say?

What are you,a robot?

You also told me to be a robot.

What is going on with you?

I have bedbugs.

And these bedbugs have chewed
the blinders off my eyes.

These are all
people,lemon. With feelings.

And they all get a chance.

They all get to audition.

Anyone who wants to audition,just
give your name to pete.

Anthony decicco. I'll need an obama wig.

Frank rossitano. Queens,new york.

I guess dreams can come true.

So last weekend,i was at the mall,

but then i went to the
beach with my niece's friend

and then i at the pool party.

For my first character,i'd
like to do an old janitor

who's finally had enough
and stabs everybody!

Hello,i'm jenna maroney.

Oh,hi,i'm jayden,nice to meet you.

How dare you pretend
you don't remember me!

I'm the one who doesn't remember you!

Josh gerard. Former tgs cast member.

Then some movie work.
That didn't pan out.

Then my agent dropped
me. Then a web short.

Where they made me do guy-guy stuff.

Oh,god,forgive me!

I call this character smelly belly.

Good evening,we are
laugh of the mohicans.

- Our first bit is
the hamburglar-- - no!

Toofer and lutz didn't tell
me they were gonna go together.

This throws off the whole system.

I gotta find one more.

Hey,dotcom. Nice to meet you.

Why would he say that to me?

Have you ever wondered what happens

in the refrigerator
after the light goes off?

Does the milk say,

"let's go down to the crisper
drawer and make trouble"?

I don't know. Fuhgeddaboutit.

You wanna be on a tv show?

Come on. Come on,come on.

Growing up in bed-stuy,there
was a certain music

to the way people talked.

"hey,papi whatchoo doin'?

" i'm sorry,can i start over?

Someone really messed with my
head right before i came on.

* I dreamed that love *

* Would never die *

* I dreamed that god *

* Would be forgiving *

Okay. Here we go. You can do it.

Hi,i'm jayden michael tyler.

My first piece will be a dinner
party at martin scorsese's house

with christopher walken
and gilbert gottfried.

- What?
- Thank you for inviting us,martin.

I brought wine!

Son of a bitch.

I was talking to you
on the phone,wasn't i?

- What?
- Give... it up.

I figured out... your game.

Congratulations.

Your show is so stupid,i
thought you would be too.

I can't believe i went
through all of this for you.

I fought for you,jayden,and now
i'm gonna have to start all over.

No,you don't. You're giving
me the job no matter what.

Because your fingerprints
are all over my camera.

- So?
- So?

You said you'd only hire me if i
let you take pictures of my genitals.

Oh,no! What is wrong with them?

Jenna was right. You're totally crazy.

Would a crazy person laugh like this?

You can use the regular
elevators around the corner.

You're the one who's human here.

Well said.

Jenna,you're right. He's
crazy. We can't hire him.

- Who,brian williams?
- No,jayden.

I'm sorry i doubted you.

It's just that you've
never been right before.

About anything.

I know.

I gotta find jack. Tell him we didn't
find anyone and we have to start over.

My two cents? I liked the janitor.

I'd never been to an audition before.

It was upsetting.

A grotesque carnival of human misery.

To be fair,i did not think kathy geiss

was gonna finish her song
by taking off her underpants.

However,the process
was a pleasant reminder

that some of us are,in
fact,better than others.

There was one clear
standout in my opinion.

No,i know. He was my
favorite too,but we can't.

He's crazy. We have to start over.

All actors are crazy,lemon,

and the more talented they
are,the crazier they are.

I mean,look at jenna and tracy.

They handed in a check request
form for $600,000 worth of gas.

Your job is to manage the
crazy and bring out the talent.

Crazy is one thing,he's a psychopath.

You're wrong. He's a good person.

And this conversation is
over. We're hiring the robot.

The robot...

is the guy that you like.

And you think he's the best... because?

Because he was the only one of them,

the only person in new york

that would shake the hand
of a man with bedbugs.

Lemon,we're not just hiring an actor.

We're hiring a coworker,a human being,

and i say we hire the one who
lives by the code of the robot.

Care.

Love.

Live.

Okay.

So instead of starting from
scratch,we are hiring the robot.

On the show. To act.

Boy,i hope he speaks english.

Yikes.