30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 4, Episode 3 - Stone Mountain - full transcript

Now,remind me,did you just
do the philadelphia cotillion,

or did you also debut internationally?

I'm happy to say that
I don't even get that.

- How was your trip?
- Terrible.

I had to give up my window
seat to some sevenyearold

who had to sit next
to her precious mommy.

What about the actual
purpose of your tr?

How is the search for
the new cast member going?

Okay. I saw a few good alternative
comics in San Francisco.

San Francisco?

I asked you to find an actor
from middle America,a real person.



You're not going to find him in the
people's gaypublic of drugifornia.

Jeez,relax. I'm also setting
up auditions in toronto.

Canada? Why not just go to iraq?

The television audience doesn't
want your elitist east coast,

alternative,intellectual,leftwing...

Jack,just say Jewish.
This is taking forever.

Stop trying to amuse yourself
and start thinking about

what makes actual human beings laugh.

Who wants...

my puddings!

Now that's what I'm talking about.

What a dumb...

oh,no,he's really hurt.

Hey,tracy,did you hear?



Fred dawkins,the
incredibly overweight guy

that pacman was based
on died last night.

I will eat a bowl of cherries

and some ghost meat in his honor.

Orange and black decorations?

Is this halloween or
princeton parents' weekend?

I don't know whether to be
scared or proud of my cousin.

- It's halloween,sir.
- Proud it is.

But this "almost all saints' day"

isn't gonna be much of a celebration.

I just heard that
worldfamous clog dancer

jugbert cody has gone to a better place.

He's in cabo?

No,sir. He passed away.

But at least he died
doing what he loved...

blogging on the huffington post.

Two down,one to go.

What do you mean?

The rule of threes...

celebrities always
die in groups of three.

You better be careful,tray.

Yeah,right. That's not a real thing.

This is gonna be the scariest
princeton parents' weekend ever!

30 rock
s04e03

hey,I read your rewrite.

Start over,you hack!

Miss maroney,are you okay?

Oh,I'm fine.

Just reminding the writers who's boss.

With this new actor coming in,

I want to make sure I get taken care of.

I'm not gonna be pushed
aside and forgotten,

like that time at my sister's funeral.

Ma'am,I don't think bullying people

is the way to get them to help you.

This is show business.

Being nice gets you nowhere.

No. Being nice can get you everywhere.

Florence henderson used to bake
cookies for the brady bunch writers.

And,in return,they wrote
her the role of a lifetime,

as her own grandma hutchins.

I don't really remember the brady
bunch,'cause I was too young.

But being nice to the writers...

interesting idea.

Think about it.

Excuse me,Mr. Donaghy.

I wasn't sure if you were participating

in this year's pumpkincarving contest,

or,if like last year,I
should go jump up my own ass.

Same as last year.

Uh,hang on.

Kenneth,you're from georgia,aren't you?

Stone mountain,sir.

Although when the parcells
first came to America,

they lived in a town
called sexcriminalboat.

Do you think that's cherokee?

Uh,no,I mean,you're a middle
American,a Joe average.

You're the only one around here
who knows what ordinary people want.

So tell me... what makes you laugh?

The usual,I suppose.

Two hobos sharing a bean...

lady airline pilots.

I remember,growing up in stone mountain,

my whole family would go
down to the chuckle hut.

That's the local comedy club?

Oh,no,sir. It's a chuckle hut.

You see,the chuckle
is the part of the pig

between the tail and the anus.

But at night,the chuckle hut
becomes the laugh factory,

and that's a comedy club.

Lemon,cancel your trip to toronto.

We're going to stone mountain,georgia.

******

hey,Frank,what is this?

It's an Evite to our halloween party.

I don't want to do that again.

Remember last year?

Hey,I work across the street,

and I saw you guys are
having a halloween party.

Yeah,we are.

Could you close your blinds?

You're really bumming all of us out.

It's humiliating.

Guys,we can't give up on halloween.

It's a magical night where women
dress slutty and drink too much,

where we can hide our
bodies in bulky costumes.

We've got to keep trying.

But we suck.

Yes,but anything can
happen on halloween.

Up is down. Black is white.

Good is evil. And evil... becomes good.

Hey,writers. I baked you cookies.

Jack! You have to help me.

I'm gonna die any minute.

- What are you talking about?
- Celebrities.

They always die in groups of three.

Two already died,and I
might be the next to go.

That's ridiculous.

I got to go somewhere where
nothing will happen to me.

Can you get me on Charlie rose?

Tracy,you have nothing to worry about.

The rule of threes is a
myth that doesn't exist,

like going bald with dignity.

That said,I would prefer
if you take the next one.

So this all started
when their plane crashed?

That's lost.

Oh,right.

You know,I met j. J. Abrams once.

And I don't know what this means,

but he said the Island
is just Hurley's dream.

Why is jenna hanging out with us?

'Cause she's freaking out
about the new cast member.

So she's trying to suck up.

I don't like having her around.

Don't worry. We'll get rid
of her,one prank at a time.

There my buddies are.

Oh,wow,they painted the ceiling in here.

We're going to find the perfect
person for the show down here,

someone who represents the real America.

Jack,for the 80th time,

no part of America is more
American than any other part.

You are wrong.

Small towns are where
you see the kindness

and goodness and courage
of everyday americans...

the folks who are teaching
our kids,running our prisons,

growing our cigarettes...

people who are still living
by core American values.

There are plenty of core
American values in new York.

But there are not restaurants
called fatty fat sandwich ranch.

Turn here. Turn here!

Lemon,if this is going
to play out like lunch,

I suggest you crack your window now

and save yourself the
embarrassment in 20 minutes.

Now,they have hush puppies here,

which you might know better
as a knish or a beignet.

I know what you're trying to do,Jack.

You want to paint me
as this new York snob.

Can I share with you my world view?

I'd rather hear you
sing rocket man again.

All of humankind has
one thing in common...

the sandwich.

I believe that all anyone
really wants in this life

is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich.

What a surprise... your
world view is foodbased.

And who am I to say that
my delicious Italian sub

is better than its stone
mountain equivalent?

Which is why I will have the
carp po'boy with extra chuckle.

Keep refreshing.

Maybe Andy dick has died
in the last 20 seconds.

Okay,I'll keep looking.

No,I have to take
matters into my own hands.

- Hello?
- Boo!

Who is this?

Hey,Betty,it's t. J.

Tracy!

I haven't seen you since that
rappinggrandma movie we did.

You were so funny as
the rapping grandma.

So how are you feeling?

Any arm pain?

Shortness of breath?

Plans to investigate
corruption in russia?

Wait a minute.

Are you calling because the
pacman guy and jugbert cody died?

- Is this a "rule of threes" call?
- Um,no.

Nice try,jordan,but I am
going to be at your funeral.

I will bury you.

oh,this carp sandwich is not
agreeing with my world view.

Hello,there,folks.

How y'all doing on this fine october...

we have reservations under
donaghy and lemon,and we need keys.

Are y'all from new York?

Yes. How can you tell?

- New York people,always in a real big...
- hurry,yeah.

No,it's not because we're from new York.

We're all the same sandwiches.

You all have a beagle with you?

Just give us our rooms.

Oh,my God.

Tell me about the peach festival.

Oh,peach festival...

they got peach preserves,of course,

peach pie,peach wine,peach jerky...

peach butter...

unbelievable.

I have to apologize.

You know what they should
do with people like her?

They should round them all
up and put them on an Island.

Oh,wait,they already have.

It's called Manhattan.

Down here we call it sexcriminalboat.

Maybe spend some photoshop there.

Hey,Frank.

Do you know
sacha,Michael,and gay Michael?

Can I ask you a question?

Why?

Oh,God,it's bad enough
having jenna hang out here.

Now she's bringing her friends?

How can a dude in a midriff
top dominate me like that?

I like those guys.

I might hang out with them on halloween.

What? Why?

Have you ever been to a gay halloween?

It's amazing.

Last year my girlfriends and
I went to mario cantone's party

in a renovated Barn in chelsea.

So that's where all the
girls are on halloween...

at awesome gaydude parties.

Oh,my God,we go so crazy.

We kiss each other,get
into vans,black out.

I mean,I'm engaged,but not on halloween.

Stop! Stop filling jenna's
wigs with raw shrimp.

- Why?
- We need to pretend to be jenna's friends

for the next 24 hours.

She's our ticket to a gay halloween.

How come when jenna suggests
it,everybody's on board?

No,lutz. Jenna attracts gay guys.

Gay guys throw awesome
halloween parties.

Hot girls go to awesome
halloween parties.

Ergo,if we're jenna's friends...

we spend halloween...

- with hot girls.
- With gay guys...

hot girls.

God,are you doing this to me

'cause I took that blind guy's hot dog?

Who was at the door?

You probably know him as
"hick at the reception desk,"

but his name is travis hoagle,

and,uh,he brought you
something for your stomach.

What is this? "peppy bismilk"?

Why is everything a
little different here?

- I hate it!
- You hate it? You hate travis hoagle...

choir member,desert storm
veteran,father of three?

I made all that up,but you get my point.

Do you even care that
I am not feeling well?

Of course I do.

There,there.

Thank you. That's nice.

Well,I'd love to stay
and do this all night,

but one of us has to
go to the laugh factory.

No,I don't want you going there alone.

Yes,you do.

The people here... they're the
audience we're trying to reach.

I get them. I know what they want.

I'm gonna find somebody great tonight.

Hey,Rick,what's the difference
between your girlfriend and your truck?

I don't know,pumpkin.
What is the difference?

Your truck don't yell at
you every time you get gas.

Wonderful. Bravo

hey... actor friend.

So what are we all doing
together for halloween?

Oh,well,sacha and the
michaels usually have a party.

Oh,'cause lutz and toof
and I always have a party.

Hang on.

What if we combined parties,

threw one big party here in the studio?

- Is that crazy?
- No. Let's do that.

Yes.

That gesture.

I like people who do that.

A party with them?

Oh,don't look at me
like I'm a football game.

I need those guys.

I've been using them to make sure

I'm taken care of when
the new actor gets here.

Girl,I don't even have
the energy to tell you

what's happening here,so read my face.

Oh,my God!

They're using me to get
invited to gay halloween

so they can meet hot girls.

In metro news,Mary Hillman is
going to gaffney for the weekend

and hopes that Martha or
stephanie will water her plants.

And now an update on...

very small town.

Morning,lemon. I
brought you a ginger ale.

"Schwupps ginny pale"?

This place is the worst.

Don't worry. We're leaving.

Our work here is done.

In entertainment news, local
funnymanand subshop owner Rick Wayne

has been hired by a catholic

to appear on tgs with a black fella.

- What?
- Hear me out.

We're hiring Rick Wayne and pumpkin.

It's a ventriloquist act.

Oh,I'm too sick to handle this.

See,you think you're not this
prejudiced,arrogant new yorker,

but you are,because in your mind,

a southern ventriloquist
act can't be funny.

But you know who does think it's funny?

These people... these
wonderful,folksy,simple...

stop calling them simple.

You know what? You're the prejudice one.

Sure,some of these people are simple,

but some of them are
smart,like matlock...

or wholesome,like elly mae clampett.

And some of them are skeevy dirt
bags like the dukes of hazzard,

driving around like maniacs.

Children use those roads.

My point is americans
are the same everywhere

in that we are all different.

You're wrong,lemon.

These people are better,purer.

Do you know what I did this morning?

I assisted in the birth of a foal.

They named it Jack.

And it was delicious.

I know what I'm doing here,lemon.

We're hiring Rick and pumpkin.

We're not hiring
anyone until I see them.

Good God,lemon,your breath.

When did you find time to eat a
diaper that you found on the beach?

Hi,I'm trying to get
to studio 6b from here.

I'm still finding my way around.

You look clean.

You a celebrity?

I have my own show on NBC.

No. Celebrity.

I was in a movie with
queen latifah once.

Perfect.

I'll show you the shortcut.

Okay,you're sure this is the right way?

Yes,queen latifah's friend.

I'm sure.

Mr. Jordan!

Are you trying to kill Mr.
Fallon with that hammer?

What the hell?

Is this a "rule of threes" thing?

Not cool,guy.

I'm sorry,Ken.

But I want to live.

Mr. Jordan,you're going to be fine.

There is no rule of threes.

- Iook out!
- Okay,okay,truce. Truce,okay?

But if some celebrity doesn't die soon,

I'm gonna kill my first guest tonight.

It's a dog who plays soccer.

Really? That's your first guest?

Yeah.

Pete,I'm not gonna let this happen.

But what can you do?

Well,Jack says I'm just
an obnoxious new yorker,

so that's what Rick Wayne
is gonna get tonight.

And it's gonna get ugly.

What are you...

oh,my God,you're gonna heckle him,

like that time I invited
you to see my cover band.

Yeah,and today the world is better off

without the Pete hornberger
Alan Parsons project project.

I may be dehydrated.

I may still be working a little chuckle

out of my system,but don't worry.

When I'm done,the last
thing Rick Wayne and pumpkin

are gonna want to do
is come to new York.

You guys,I am so excited.

I already put on my costume.

Get it? I'm an Italian senator.

Don't you love it?
It's gonna be awesome.

And with one word,I
can make it all go away.

Wait,wwhat are you talking about?

Oh,cut the crap.

You boys are just pretending to
like me to get in on gay halloween.

Okay. What do you want?

I want two good sketches a week,

a promise to hate the new cast member,

and no more making fun of me

when I misuse dated cultural references.

Okay? Are we cowabunga on this?

- Fine,we're... we're cowabunga.
- Good.

But if I wake up in any of your
apartments tomorrow morning,

you will buy me breakfast.

All right,the last pig
is in the chuckling chute.

And we're now the laugh factory.

We got a great show for y'all tonight,

and we're gonna get right to it

with stone mountain's own
Rick Wayne and pumpkin.

All right,you asked for it.

- Good evening,everyone.
- How y'all doing?

Hey,this your first time doing this?

I'm sorry,I didn't know it was filthy,

thinlipped hooker night
here at the laugh factory.

Okay. I underestimated you.

Knock,knock. Who's there,pumpkin?

A ferretfaced skank.

Yep,I see her too.

Get a job,hayseed.

Are you still talking?

You are one mouthy bitch.

I don't go down to where you work
and stop them from milking you.

I'm sorry,but that's enough,sir.

You're out of line.

I'll tell you what's out of line.

Your old lady's knockers.

Good lord,woman. I
wouldn't you with elmo's.

Rick,pumpkin,what are you doing?

A gentleman,whether he's human
or somehow more than human,

does not speak to a lady like that.

You two are wholesome and decent.

Oh,I get it. You think 'cause we talk
like this,we're all simple and quaint.

Well,I'm an amateur astronomer,and
Rick's black wife speaks French.

Her name's jamilla.

See,I told you. There's
no "real America.

" You shut that dog
rectum you call a mouth?

Yes,sir.

Why are you people laughing at this?

You're supposed to be
better,nicer,but you're terrible.

You're all terrible,just
like the people in new York.

All God's children are terrible.

Terrible,huh? I got a
question for you there,pal.

Do you ever find smaller
heads orbiting your head?

Is that a comment about
the size of my head?

I'm a tall man,and it's
proportional to my frame.

Your frame? What are they
building there... a super walmart?

You come down here and say that.

I can't. I got a man's arm stuck up me.

But you know what that's like.

I can't believe I bought a
fatty fat sandwich franchise!

Oh,God,he's murdering me. His
head is so much bigger up close!

The deal's off,Wayne.

Lemon,to the kia sorrento!