30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 4, Episode 17 - Lee Marvin vs. Derek Jeter - full transcript

And I think we can both
conclude that we finished Q-one

with better than expected results.

And I can promise that my
performance will improve,

especially if you're a little
more flexible on your end.

I love it when you talk dirty to me.

I cannot wait to see you tonight.

What are you going to wear?

To a museum gala?

Think slutty Grace Kelly.

Oh, God bless you.

I'm picturing it right now.



Uh, and the opposite
of that just walked in.

Tell Liz I said hi.

I will.

Happy birthday, Jack.

I got you a card.

It's one of those new ones
where you can record a message.

Test, test, test.

This is a test for Jack's card.

♪ Wonder Woman! ♪

Excuse me, how do you
re-record on these things?

Whatever, I'll definitely figure it out.

Thank you, Lemon.

But my true present is
that exquisite ensemble.

You look like a
prison weed dealer.



I'm coming back from a
singles Dodgeball match, okay?

Good God.

The YMCA near my apartment

offers a variety of singles activities,

and I am forcing myself
to go to all of them.

Well, I'm glad you're trying.

But I wish you didn't have to.

Lemon, are you wearing a cup?

Oh, I forgot.

Only guys can get hurt there.

I just wish it
were easier for you.

You need an Avery...

simple, fun, uncomplicated.

As my good friend and
fox hunting partner

Mary J. Blige would
say, "No more drama."

Happy birthday!

Nancy, what are you doing here?

It's done, Jack.

I'm divorced.

Ruh-roh.

Hey, how did your
dodgeball thing go?

Did you meet anyone?

Not really.

There was one okay guy.

Eat it, bitch!

What is wrong with you?

He was flirting.

Did you ever even talk to him?

I yelled at him about a rule violation.

Oh...

His foot was over the line.

How many more of these
things are you going to?

Line dancing this afternoon.

Then tomorrow is the
wine and cheese tasting.

Or, as I like to call it,
"Singles Fart Suppression".

Maybe I should go with you.

Be your wingman.

Well, thanks, Jenna, but
you don't want to do that.

No, it will be good
acting research for me.

I'm up for a role in National Lampoon's

Van Wilder's Wingman Incorporated.

I look forward to not
watching that on an airplane.

And this is
our wardrobe department.

Uh, Nancy, this is the star
of our show, Tracy Jordan.

Tracy, this is...

Not now, Jackie D.

I heard on the walkie-talkies

that there's a red-headed
MILF walking around

with some executive.

You know what?

That felt really good.

So, I'II, uh, see you at lunch.

Kenneth, would you please
show Mrs. Dougherty...

I'm sorry, um...
Ms. Donovan to the elevator?

Have we met before?

You shut your mouth.

Now you're having lunch?

Does Avery know about this?

Lemon, the grown-up dating
world is like your haircut.

Sometimes, awkward triangles occur.

I feel like you've
been saving that one.

Obviously, this is unexpected.

I really didn't think that
Nancy would ever get divorced.

Why would a lady get divorced at 50?

Stick it out.

Men die first, then you have two
wonderful years, then you die.

Yes, Nancy showing
up is a gamechanger.

But if I blow this up now,
all three of us will suffer.

So what are you going to do?

I'm going to make the
most of this opportunity.

I'm going to pursue
both relationships,

see how they develop, and
then make an informed decision.

You're going to juggle them?

No, even you can't
pull this off, Jack.

Mrs. Doubtfire "shimself"
could not do this.

You are going to blow it.

And you're going
to end up alone,

and you're going to have to
go to singles dodgeball.

Put on these rec specs.

This is your future.

Lemon, no.

Ugh... God.

The band is soaking.

Ugh.

You will not believe
what just happened to me.

A guy on the subway just
called me a "biggledeeboo".

What's a "biggledeeboo"?

It's an 18th Century word
for dark-skinned Moor.

I've learned the word
"black" in every language,

just so I know when to be offended.

Well, I'm sure it was
just an isolated incident.

Nah, I'm
telling you, Dotcom.

Old school racism is back.

How can racism be back when
we elected a black president?

Barry Obams is the
one who brought it back.

So you're saying that racism is back

because white people no
longer feel sorry for us?

Hey, something's going on.

You know what I seen last night?

A Slovin Shield commercial
with a black burglar.

Black man!

That's not good.

Come to think of it,
I saw a white judge

on Law and Order last night.

Oh, yeah.

It's back on.

Get ready, son.

All you've ever known is
your affirmative action job

and Queen Latifah
Cover Girl commercials.

And one, two, and hip, four,

five, six, and seven, eight.

I'm sorry, are we
expecting more men?

I'm Jerem.

I collect posters.

Look at me, Jerem.

I know all the steps.

Kind of.

So I know you're, like,
the man who has everything.

You know, two of everything, in fact.

Right.

Hilarious.

But I, um... I got you a birthday present.

It's goofy.

Nah, it's... it's nothing.

Schwitzer's Salt Water Taffy.

I haven't had this since that
summer we worked on Cape Bilge.

I didn't have the heart
to tell Mrs. Schwitzer

that you moved to New York,

so I told her you were
in jail for manslaughter.

Oh.

I even got them to make
you that flavor we invented.

Peanut butter and Miller High Life.

Oh, Nancy, thank you.

I love it.

Mmm.

So, I'm, uh... I'm only
in town a couple of days.

Do you have to go to this
black tie thingy tonight?

Is it really better than me?

Well, it's not better.

It's different.

There's no way of knowing,
at this point, uh...

which is better.

What?

You're a wackadoo, Donaghy.

Well, I want to spend as much
time with you as possible.

So, uh... why don't
we meet for drinks after?

You sure?

Yes, definitely.

You always know
you're at the right party

when it feels like the
Riddler is about to attack.

Look at this guest list...

Harvey Weinstein,
Glenn Beck, Ashley Olsen...

These are the people
that make New York great.

Come on, let's do
the red carpet together.

The Post will love it.

"Money Bunny Avery Jessup steps out

with 'Sexecutive' Jack Donaghy."

Well, no, I can't have
my picture taken with you.

Someone might see it.

What's that supposed to mean?

Um... I'm just saying
you're a business reporter,

and I'm trying to get F.C.C. approval

for the KableTown deal.

It wouldn't look right.

Like Santa Claus
taking a shower.

Okay, I think I get that.

You go ahead.

I'll meet you on the
other side with a drink.

Okay.

Avery, over here!

Chelsea!

Hey, Chelsea Handler, over here.

Liz...

I work here because
I'm hilarious, right?

Is this a trap?

Earlier today, Tracy
made the accusation

that I am the beneficiary
of affirmative action.

Yeah, well, Tracy is a buffoon.

That is a 15th Century
term for a black pirate.

Racist!

Is my presence on
this staff tokenism?

Toofer, you are an invaluable
member of our team.

Then why are my paychecks a
different color than Frank's?

Because your salary does
not come out of our budget.

Look, Toof, you
provide a point of view

that is essential to
keeping the diversity guy

from bothering us.

I do not want a job I did not earn.

I am about to utter two words
a Harvard man never says.

"I'm cool"?

No, I'm sorry.

You can't set me up like that.

Don't quit.

I quit.

Wow, you look like Mr. Monopoly.

And you look like
"you won second prize

in a beauty contest, collect $10".

Are you sure you don't mind
just having a drink up here?

I walked all the
way to Battery Park today

in high-heeled boots like a moron.

Well, no, I prefer it.

Something from the mini-bar?

Oh, no, are you kidding me?

With those prices?

Left over from my Amtrak ride.

That's my Donovan.

So listen, uh...
I know we've waited

a long time for me to be single.

And I really want our first
evening together to be special,

and... Oh, God,
this is so queer.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...

can we wait until the
morning to fool around?

'Cause I'm exhausted,
and I've got the night bloats.

Yes, the morning.

I'm exhausted too.

Let's, uh, just watch T.V.

There's a Lee Marvin
marathon on Turner Classics.

I thought you said this
wasn't going to be sexual?

Oh, this is perfect.

I should take this.

Is everything okay?

Is everything okay?

Here are the bullet points.

Jeter's apartment.

We're playing beer pong.

It's New York Yankees
versus former mayors.

I've got $10,000 on the mayors.

Get down here.

Oh, come on, Dinkins,
you're killing me!

What's going on?

It's work.

I've got to go.

Uh, no.

I have to go, I'm sorry.

I'll call you.

Don't work too hard.

How's your episode of
Three's Company going?

Like Three's Company, it's titillating,

yet anxiety-producing.

I need your help, Janet.

Aw, man, being Janet sucks.

After the party last night,
I went to Nancy's hotel room.

Then Avery called and made
an offer I couldn't refuse.

Ew, were you with both
of them on one night?

You are officially a
John Mayer-style garbage...

I didn't have sex with anybody.

You were right, Lemon.

I don't think I can do this.

Whichever one I'm with,

I think she's the one.

How do you choose between
Lee Marvin and Derek Jeter?

On looks? Lee Marvin.

I feel like I'm being pulled
apart, and I need your help.

Today, I'm going to
the boat show with Nancy.

Tonight is my birthday
dinner with Avery.

I hate the idea of Nancy having dinner

alone at the hotel tonight,

so I told her that you
wanted to take her out.

No, I have singles
wine and cheese tonight.

Then take Nancy with you.

This whole thing is unfair.

You're juggling two beautiful women

while I have to pay to have
kickballs whipped at me.

This is gender inequity out the yang.

This has nothing to do with

the slight difference in our genders.

Yes, it does.

The older you get, the
more distinguished you are.

Meanwhile, I'm
reading a book called

Hiding Your Arms, Hiding
- Dating Over 35.

Lemon, I am
successful romantically

because I am confident,
open, and positive.

You are negative, pessimistic,

and in danger of
becoming permanently sour.

Is this you asking me for a favor?

Look, if I don't handle
this situation right,

I'm going to lose
both of these women.

And even worse, they're
both going to lose me.

Okay, fine.

I'll do it.

Ugh.

Ow, my eyes are stuck.

Help me.

I can't believe Toofer quit.

Do you have any idea
how much paperwork

I have to fill out because of this?

He left with his I.D.

Tracy, Tracy, Tray...

Buddy, will you call Toofer
and talk some sense into him?

Oh, yeah, just ask the black guy.

'Cause we all know each other.

Pete, could you tell a bald eagle

to stop scaring me at zoos?

You know, I've been
wanting to say this

for a few seconds now.

This workplace has become a
hotbed of old school racism.

Come on, Tray, no
one here is racist.

Oh, yeah, how come
I'm always forced to play

"ridickerous" characters
that "do-nuhnunciate" well?

Uh...

So what?

Look at Italians.

We're always portrayed either
as "goombahs" or "guidos".

But we don't care, because we're
successful members of society.

So maybe your problem is that
you're finally being treated

like everybody else.

Nah, You can play it off.

But I know you're all secretly mad

because we finally have
a black Disney princess.

You know, there actually
hasn't been a white princess

since 1991.

Tiana, Mulan, Pocahontas, Jasmine.

Wow, she's right.

There are little blonde
girls in this country

who have no idea
they can be beautiful.

That's why I started Jenna's Kids.

It's a summer camp that
teaches pretty, blonde girls

how to be mean.

You... call Toofer.

Beg him to come back.

Absolutely not.

Of course not.

The Aryan hates and
fears the African man,

as we so clearly saw
in the Blade movies.

What?

No, I didn't want Toofer to quit.

But I respect his decision.

As a woman in this business...

Shut up, Liz.

...and in this world,
I have never received

special treatment.

At work or in love.

So why should anybody else?

Oh, Liz... Ugh!

I love coming here.

You know, this is one of the
only restaurants in America

with a veal tank.

It just tastes better
when you pick your own.

You know, Jack, I think
I know the real reason

you were acting weird about
doing the red carpet with me.

Okay.

You're self-conscious
about our age difference,

and you thought you'd look
old standing next to me.

I see.

You're very perceptive.

I get why it's on your mind.

What, with your birthday
and my amazing skin.

And, sure,

people in this restaurant
might think you're my dad.

Or that you're my prostitute.

Exactly.

But what does it matter?

Uh... Maybe it does matter.

I mean, yeah, if I'd
met you 20 years ago...

well, not you, because
you would have been 16,

which is, of course, wrong.

I'm just saying, are we
kidding ourselves with this?

I'm 51 years old.

Do you even know who Lee Marvin is?

The sportscaster who bites ladies.

Who cares?

Then again, if I were
with someone my own age,

I'd miss out on a lot of things I want.

I'd never have a family.

Jack, relax.

We've only been together a month.

We don't need to worry
about that stuff now.

Especially not on your birthday.

Are these the cufflinks...

Reagan was buried in.

Don't ask how I got them,

but I do know the access
code to his pyramid.

Oh, Avery, this is too much.

No, it's perfect, Jack.

Someday, you'll be
as great a man as he was.

I do like jellybeans.

Look at me.

I'm at a singles event
in New York City.

La-dee-da.

I mean, sure, it's a
little bright in here,

and they could have rescheduled
that youth karate class.

Yes, Sensei.

But this is fun.

Oh, come on, it's pathetic.

Why am I doing this?

'Cause you're living life.

Hey, how are you doing?

Did you see Avatar?

Yeah, that new 3-D is amazing.

Yeah, I don't know.

I found myself rooting
for our boys in uniform,

not those blue hippies.

But full disclosure, I had
a couple of drinks prior to.

You know, Liz?

Yeah, I thought that
Marine robot thing...

They weren't Marines.

Some of them were former Marines,

but they were mercenaries

working for a space mining company.

All right.

Uh... I'll see you later.

What are you doing?

I was warming him up for you,

and you start talking
about space mining?

What, you want to just
sit around and be wrong?

Come on, Liz.

Every man in this room is single.

Who do you want to meet?

Nobody.

I mean, that guy has a beard.

Who knows what's under there?

Tattoo guy, too promiscuous.

T-shirt tucked into jeans?

Oh, that guy just looks
like he'd be mean to me.

God, Liz, you're so negative.

Well, now, you just sound like Jack.

Hey, I'm no relationship expert.

The last time I used
a birth control device,

it was the '70s, and it
looked like soap on a rope.

But every time you
say what you don't want,

you sound like a cranky cow.

And you're not that.

You're smart

and you're fun.

So stop talking about
what you don't want

and start figuring
out what you do want.

And then, go get it.

Jerem!

Look how drunk I am!

And how full of cheese my mouth is!

That's not that much cheese.

No, No, don't!

No, it's okay.

I don't want to hurt you.

But I'll tell you what I do want.

I want someone who
will be monogamous

and nice to his mother.

And I want someone
who likes musicals,

but knows to just shut his
mouth when I'm watching Lost.

And I want someone who thinks
being really into cars is lame

and strip clubs are gross.

I want someone who will
actually empty the dishwasher

instead of just taking out
forks as needed, like I do.

I want someone with
clean hands and feet

and beefy forearms like
a damn Disney prince.

And I want him to
genuinely like me,

even when I'm old.

And that's what I want.

You make much English.

This is fun alcoholics meeting.

Well, well, well.

Never got a hand up.

Is that right, Liz Lemon?

What?

Come on, Pete,
I'm in a good mood.

And it's over!

While trying to find Toofer's
dental records in Personnel

down on the basement mezzanine,

I pulled your file.

Elizabeth... I don't know how
to pronounce your middle name...

Lemon.

You attended the
University of Maryland

on a partial competitive
jazz dance scholarship.

So?

So NCCA competitive jazz dance

was created as part of Title Nine.

You were able to pay for college

because of a program
that favored women.

Favored women to
correct an imbalance.

There's more.

You were only hired
by the Second City

because they needed
someone who could

remember to feed the theater cat.

Oh, no, Otis...

And you're going to hate this one.

The only reason N.B.C.
picked up The Girly Show

is because of the flak
they got from women's groups

after airing the action
drama Bitch Hunter.

Happy birthday, bitches!

Oh, my God.

I'm no better than Toofer.

Or Lutz with his
B.S. Inuit ancestry.

Or you, whose dad was in the
Masons with Dave Garroway.

I shouldn't be here.

This is America.

None of us are
supposed to be here.

I need to dance this out.

Jack, would T.G. S. have gotten
on T.V. if I was a dude?

No, it was affirmative action.

Why do you think your checks

aren't the same color
as Howie Mandel's?

Two amazing gifts...
from two amazing women.

Each gift symbolic of
the woman who gave it to you.

One, the past, a connection to
home, and the man that you were.

The other, the future.

The promise...

Uh, yes, Lemon, I get it.

I can't let this go on any longer.

I choose...

Avery.

Right?

Yes.

Okay, are you sure it's not
just because you saw Avery last?

No.

Well...

Hey, Liz.

How did it go with
the guys at dodgeball?

Did you let one in?

Into your heart, I mean.

God.

It actually went okay.

I'm sorry you and I couldn't
get together last night.

Yeah, me too.

But now, I've got to run.

But what do you say I come
back in a couple of weeks,

I cook you a pot roast,
we drink too much wine,

and see how it goes?

That sounds amazing.

We'll be keeping an eye on
this story as it develops.

But it's clearly
a conflict of interest.

And, at the risk of editorializing,

I am personally outraged.

What are you doing here?

Liz has invited me back
as a budgeted employee.

Apparently, I'm the only
one among us who can spell.

Welcome back, James.

Hang on. Who's James?

As a condition of
my re-employment,

I have requested that I no
longer be called Toofer.

Great, new nickname suggestions, go.

Victoria Q. Nerdballs.

Kanye East.

Supervirgin!

Splock... Short
for "Black Spock".

Threefer, because you're also gay.

Okay, fine, fine.

Toofer.

I'll just go back to Toofer.

Welcome back.