30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 4, Episode 16 - Floyd - full transcript

Which is the personals section
of the kraft foods website.

And what was he like?

He owns a cockatiel
named Arliss.

Oh, God.

But I'm not letting it
get me down.

I'm just gonna keep putting
positive energy out there,

And something good
will come back to me.

Good morning, Miss Lemon.

A Mr. Debarber called.
Seriously?

A Mr. Debarber called.

Floyd called.
Oh, my God.



That's amazing.
What you said worked.

Okay, universe,

Send me
a white football player--

No kickers or linemen.

Hey, Danny,
congratulations.

Congratulations?
For what?

Danny was nominated
for a Juno,

Which is like
a Canadian Grammy.

Yeah, I recorded
the psych up song that plays

During Ottawa Senators games.

♪ the crowd's getting loud ♪

♪ scotiabank place ♪

♪ make a hockey-loving face ♪

♪ at scotiabank place ♪



I'm not gonna win, but it's
an honor just to be nominated

In the same category
as Sir Dave Coulier.

Well, it should be
great exposure for ya.

I know! And there's gonna be
a profile of me

In the New York Times as filler
because of dwindling ad sales.

Isn't that awesome?

I am sick
of that guy's positive energy.

We got to start messing
with him.

Yeah. Like, what if
we trick him into kissing me?

It'd be so funny
because I'm not gay.

Or if the pranksmen write
that times profile ourselves,

Making Danny
look like an idiot.

And put it
in the press packet

That everybody gets.

This is the most friends
I've ever had.

Kenneth, I'm having a Tracy
and Jenna problem.

Gosh, Mr. Hornberger,

You say that so often,

You should come up
with a shortcut word for it,

Like, "ivatrennapra."

Well, Danny's interview
with the New York Times

Comes out today,
so "ivatrennapra."

A what?

If Tracy and Jenna hear
about it,

They'll get jealous
and act out,

And as much as I want to,

I can't slap
the brat out of them.

So Tracy and Jenna will spend
the day in the makeup room,

Having full plaster impressions
made of their faces.

So that should shut them up
for, uh, let's say, 12 hours.

Oh, my,
that's a long time.

Maybe I should keep
them company.

Yes.
Tell them your stories.

They'll hate that.

Silly Mr. Hornberger.

Always saying hate
when he means love.

Hello, Floyd.
It's Liz.

Thank you
for calling me back.

We have so much
to catch up on.

Yeah. So how are you?
Oh, my God.

You're not gonna ask me
what's wrong with my voice?

I was being polite.

look, Liz,
I'm sorry I haven't called

In a while, but I'm in New York
for a couple days,

And I, uh--
I'd really like to see you.

Wow. Great.
Okay.

Um, just tell me now
if you've grown a goatee.

No, no, no goatee,

Just chola eyebrows.

So are you free tonight?

Uh, I have to work late.
Can it be tomorrow night?

Yeah. I mean, I'd love
to see you sooner than that,

But, you know,
whatever works.

Okay, well,
I'll call you tomorrow.

Okay, perfect.
Uh, I got to run.

Call me.
Ciao.

Uh.

I don't know how this
happened, Jack,

But it's bad.

I think I really screwed up.

With a female page?
Don't worry.

they disappear all the time.

No, I did an interview
for the New York Times,

And they printed all
of this stuff that I didn't say.

Typical liberal media.

That's why I get
all my news

I never said that Liz banged
her way to the middle

Or that Jenna kidnapped
a Swedish au pair

To use as a hair farm,

And I never called Tracy clean
and articulate.

Why would I?
He's not.

This stuff
is in the newspaper, Jack.

Everyone's gonna see it.
No, they're not.

It's a hoax.
What?

The New York Times
doesn't have a staff writer

Named Seymour Nips.

You've been pranked
by the nerds.

My guess is this is the work
of Frank, the black one,

And...

Lutz.

The writers--
why would they do that to me?

Because they look at you, and
you're everything they're not.

You're handsome.
So are you, Jack.

I wasn't fishing,
but thank you.

Danny, we will not let
this stand.

Well, then what
are we gonna do?

I'm no stranger
to the art of japery.

At Princeton,
I was in a secret society.

I shouldn't tell you this,

But one time
we snuck up to Dartmouth,

Put their mascot
in a box,

And sent it
to Mexico City.

We didn't know
until the next day

That it was
an actual indian.

He didn't speak
a word of english,

Like all Dartmouth men.

All right, I'm game.

Let's team up.
What should we call ourselves?

What's
the most handsome animal?

The silver panther.

Guess who called me?

The boob job recall center?

No.
Floyd.

We're having dinner
tomorrow night,

And I don't know
what it means,

But I am allowing myself
to be excited.

I mean, on the phone,
it was like

We were just right back there,
Liz and Floyd.

Liz and who?
Come on. Floyd.

My ex-boyfriend, the only
good boyfriend I've ever had--

Recovering alcoholic, he used
to work in this building.

Oh, you mean that guy?

And, of course, this is
our other finalist couple

For the today wedding contest,
Floyd and Kaitlin.

Whahk?

An old Gus is the biggest catfish
in the pond.

Legend has it, the only bait

That'll catch old gus

is a piece of old Gus himself.

So everytime they catch him,

they cut off a litlle piece of him

so they can catch him

Now how did the very first person
catch old Gus?

Well, that's a story
for another time--

Right now.

So if my grandfather
hadn't gotten

On the wrong train that day,

He never would have met
his wife's murderer.

I wonder what hawaii's
state quarter's gonna be?

Nobody knows.

But here are
several hundred guesses--

A pineapple,
a coconut...

♪ ♪

Uh, Lemon, could I have
your weakness files

On Frank, toofer,
and lutz?

Floyd's getting married,
maybe on the today show.

♪ ♪

Floyd never told you?

I mean, "b"s before "h"s,
but that is low.

This sucks, Jack.

I know
that I'm a sour person,

And I don't like
a lot of people,

But I liked Floyd.

And I guess in the back
of my mind,

I thought we'd end up
together someday,

That, you know, the whole thing
would turn out like a movie

Where christopher cross
sings a song like,

♪ all my days,
I've been waiting ♪

♪ for you to come back home ♪

♪ in the moonlight ♪

♪ of New York city ♪

Lemon, I'm sorry.

We all have
our romantic pipe dreams.

I thought that nancy would leave
her husband for me,

And it's not going
to happen.

They're boston irish catholic--
they mate for life,

Like swans,
like drunk...

Angry swans.

vote for Floyd and Kaitlin.

I love this woman.

Oh, my God.

I can hear him on the plaza.

Hey, keep it down
out there!

This isn't Liz.

Okay, it's bad enough
that he is getting married,

But does he have to do it
right outside my window?

No. He cannot win
this contest!

Lemon, I know you're hurt,
and I know that look,

But don't even think
about revenge.

You are not a silver panther.

What are you talking about?

Just stick
to the high road.

The low road
is a slippery slope.

I know, Jack.
Believe me.

I mean, it's like, on tv,
it used to be

You couldn't say crap,
and then they let that slide.

And now we can say
whatever we want--

Douche bag, asswipe.

Anal rot.
Exactly.

So I'm simply
gonna ask Floyd,

As a friend and former
intercourse companion,

To do me the favor

Of not getting married
right outside my window.

I'm gonna meet him tomorrow
night at mcshanley's for dinner.

Mcshanley's? The place
where you got food poisoning

From the fish
three times?

So?
So are you sure

You're not planning
to get Floyd sick

And sabotage his chance
of winning?

What? No, Jack, that never
even occurred to me.

Then you'll never be
a silver panther.

I don't care.
I'll start my own group.

Rejection from society
is what created the x-men.

So to get there,
you start on old barn road.

Then you take the first left,
then the next left,

Then the next left,
and then another left.

That'll take you
around the quarry,

Which is real pretty.
I just wanted you to see it.

That'll put you back
on old barn road.

What do you got there?
Have you guys seen this?

We are getting a report
from right here

At rockefeller center
that there is a toxic gas leak

In the building.

Whahk?
The type of gas is unknown,

But it is triggering
the building's autolocks.

What is happening?

Oh, my God,
what do we do?

What do we do?
I know a way out!

What's wrong?

So much of my life

Have I wasted
putting things on hats!

We are now getting reports
that the toxic leak has created

What police are calling
a Cloverfield type monster

In the building.

The monster cannot detect
the smell of human skin.

Anyone still inside
should disrobe immediately.

I'm keeping my hat on.
I don't care, man.

Get them off, Lutz.
Get your shorts off.

Gentlemen,
I wanted some

Of the tgs dancers
to see this.

Now we're even, guys.

As you were, nerds.

Surculus et pruna.
Surculus et pruna.

Now, I don't have
a lot of experience

Reading stuff out loud
to people,

So I'm gonna do this
the most normal way

I can think of.

Space, space, space,
space, space,

Space,
my autobiography, space, space,

Space, space, space,
by Kenneth Ellen Parcell.

Space, space, space,
space, space.

Thank you.

Good morning, ladies.

Mm-hmm.
Good morning.

Liz, last night I had a very
graphic dream about Kenneth.

What?
Ugh!

I know.
It's disgusting.

But Tracy and I had to listen
to Kenneth talk

For hours yesterday.

He must have gotten
into my subconscious.

And then I dreamed
that he and I--

I don't want to hear it.
La la la la!

♪ da da, no ♪

Good morning, Mr. Jordan.
Oh, good morning.

Lemaroni,

Something horrible happened
to me last night.

I had a dream
that Kenneth and I got intimate

In a portable jacuzzi.

It was crazy.

Glistening black
and white skin--

It looked like a close-up
of a killer whale being born.

He got me too.
It was horrifying.

Now I never want to go
to sleep.

Just like this amazing city
that we live in.

I knew it.

Surculus et pruna
is the motto

Of the twig and plums.

And your motto is,
"above all, be boring."

Listen to me.

Twig and Plums
is a Princeton secret society,

And Jack is clearly a member.

So?
So they have all kinds

Of weird rituals
and rules,

Like if someone says
"twig and plums"

In front of a member,
he has to find an excuse

To leave the room,
no matter what he's doing.

What?
But during the period

Of the '90s...
Twig and plums!

Thank you, folks.

Excuse me, I have tickets
to a Harry Connick Jr. Concert.

Jack messed
with the wrong fat losers.

Yeah!

This issue is time-sensitive,
so hear me out

Before the overseas markets...

Open for the day.

Twig and plums.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

I have a, uh...
Veterinary appointment.

What's up?
How you guys doing?

Do you want to split
some mozzarella sticks?

I saw you
on the today show.

Damn it.

I could have sworn you watched
the early show on CBS.

The early show?
What am I, in a hospital?

I'm so sorry, Liz.

You know, I just wanted to tell
you everything face-to-face.

I did not mean for you
to find out about Kaitlin on tv.

Believe me,
if I had a time machine,

I would go back
and do it differently.

You want to split
some mozzarella sticks?

Aagh!
I didn't go back far enough.

Look, I-I want you
to be happy,

And obviously
you have a life to live,

But your getting married
is a big deal to me.

So please, don't do it
where I work.

And don't drag
my best friend, tv, into it.

No, I get it.
I do.

But I'm sorry.
I got to do this.

Look, Kaitlin
is a yogaerobics instructor

And an ab model.

I was in a reenactment

On America's Most Wanted once,

Playing a lady
strangled on the toilet.

We're just hoping
the exposure can help Kaitlin

Get some jobs
here in New York.

Here in New York?
Wow.

Let's just order.

I'm sorry, Liz.
No.

Don't be. It's fine.
High road.

So are you seeing anyone?

You should try
the fish!

What would you like
for dinner, Mr. Jordan--

Barbecue or me?

No!
No!

Are you
all right, Tracy?

I had another
freaky ken-mare.

It's okay.
We're gonna get through this...

Together.

No!

I just had
another Kenneth dream.

Me too. But how do I know
this isn't a dream?

Wait a minute.

All my teeth are loose,
so we're good.

It's real.

Tracy, my dreams
are getting worse.

This one was so graphic.

Kenneth and I were married
and living in Indianapolis.

We had kids.

What kind of sick mind
dreams that?

It was disgusting!

We have to get him
out of our dreams.

We have to go
back to how things were.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

We have
to Elm Street this.

We have to go to sleep
and kill Kenneth in our dreams.

I don't know
who the hell told you

To say that, rossitano,
but you have no idea--

Twig and plums.

I have to go
to an intervention

For my...

Travel agent.

So that's
your second salmon.

How are you feeling?

Like a rock star.

Hey, excuse me, can I get
another salmon, compadre?

Sauce on the side
again, please?

Eating healthy,
'cause I'm marrying a lady

That keeps it fit--
you know, nice and tight.

You know...
kapow!

Yeah.

Are you okay?

Hmm? Hells, yeah.
Yeah, I'm great.

♪ shot through the heart ♪
whoa-oa!

♪ and you're to blame ♪

This is my jam
right here.

♪ you give love a bad name ♪
ooh, my jam-a-lam.

Mm-mm!

♪ ♪

So another Jack-glazed salmon.
And anything for you?

Wait, what is Jack glaze?

It's our special sauce
that we put on the salmon.

It's molasses and honey
and Jack Daniels.

It has alcohol in it?
No, no, he doesn't drink.

Oh, don't worry. The alcohol
cooks down with the fish.

But what if you get
the sauce on the side,

And it isn't cooked
with the fish?

That would explain why we have
so many drunk kids here.

♪ angel's smile... ♪
oh, what have I done?

This is the slippery slope.

There's alcohol
in that sauce.

You've been drinking alcohol.

Trying to get me drunk?

Squeeze in one last ride
at six Floyds Amusement Park?

Well, we're closed.
Sorry.

No, Floyd, I just wanted you
to get food poisoning

To mess up
your Today show thing.

Look, you're drunk.

It's my fault.
Let's get you back to the hotel.

No, I would never do that
to you--

Get you drunk on salmon
or any fish!

I thought we cared
about each other.

Yeah, I did too.

I thought the only thing
keeping us apart

Was that you wanted
to live in Cleveland,

But you'll move to New York
for Kaitlin.

Yeah, I will.
You know why?

One, blonde.

Two, she's alive...

Like a deer.

She runs and sniffs
and jumps and stares.

She's not like the badger

With its glasses and its rules
about weekday sex.

Those are good rules.
People have work in the morning.

How are you
still single, Liz?

There's so many guys
out there

That want to be poisoned
and yelled at.

Yeah, well, uh,
have a good night.

Enjoy your salmon.

Salmon for everyone...

On me.

This is a dream.

You're in control.

Why? I considered you
a brother.

Aah!

It's working.

We've joined forces
in our dreamscape.

Now we fly.

What the hell
are you doing?

Uh, controlling our dreams?

We can explain, Pete.

We were just trying
to Elm Street Kenneth.

Unbelievable. It is
way too early for this, guys.

I haven't even had
my first cup of wine today.

Tracy, it's morning.

We slept all night, and
we didn't dream about Kenneth.

We're cured.
It worked!

It's a miracle.

No, I got
in a lot of writing--

Who's that from?

That's my mom's room.

Hello, Frank.

I think you know
where I am.

I just happened to run
into your mom

At a T.J. Maxx in Queens,

And we came back here
for some cannoli and red wine.

She's a lovely woman.

I'll be leaving soon.
I'm a gentleman...

As is Danny.

Hey, Frank.

Your mom's a hugger.

Don't push me, Frank.

You won't enjoy the next tape.
Your mom might, though.

And I believe toofer and lutz
also have mothers.

Do we understand
each other?

Pranksmen...

Stand down.

You wanted to see me?

Lemon, have you seen
the today show this morning?

Why?
Floyd showed up, right?

Funny you would ask that,
but, yes, he showed up.

The problem is,
he won't leave.

In this hour,
spring cleaning--

Boring! Boring!
Floyd, come on.

Hey, you guys wear
so much makeup, you know that?

You do.
Floyd! Have you been drinking?

Shut up, kit kat!

Vote for Floyd and Kaitlin!

Yeah!

Right?
Oh, God.

Mm.

Ah, false alarm!

Saved it.

All right.

He got drunk
with me last night,

But it was an accident.

And he was being a wang.

I didn't think
he would go on a bender.

Lemon, you have to--
fix this. I know.

This is not--
the high road. I know.

Shut up.

Kaitlin, you have every right
to be furious at me.

What I did
was unconscionable.

And I-I didn't have
a lot of time,

But to make it up to you,
I hope

That you'll accept
these tgs mouse pads

And a man's wallet
with the Dateline logo on it.

I'm not mad, Liz.
This is a relief.

I thought he'd gone
off the wagon 'cause of me.

No. Even drunk, he only had
really nice things

To say about you
and your butt.

God, I don't remember
any of that.

Did I fall down
while I was with you?

'cause my lower back
is killing me.

Oh, boy.
Floyd, I am so sorry.

No, Liz, there's a reason
I quit drinking.

You know, I-I probably
would have left me there too.

I really just want you
to be happy.

You too, Liz Lemon.

So go.

Get married.
Love each other.

And if you go on a cruise
for your honeymoon,

May it be free
of pirates.

Outie 5000.

Liz, look,
well, maybe this is crazy,

But I don't have
any female friends

Because, you know,
my body.

And I was just wondering...

And now I have agreed
to do a reading

From corinthians
at Floyd's wedding.

So instead of avoiding
seeing Floyd getting married...

I'm in the wedding party.

Yeah.

I've had enough
of both of you.

Your bad behavior stops now!

Absolutely, sir.
We promise.

And we are never, never
taking you for granted again.

In fact, we'd like to sing you
a thank-you song.

Thank you, Kenneth.

Oh, I'll show you
how to thank me.

♪ ♪

Let's do this.

Wake up, wake up, wake up,
wake up, wake up.

Wake up.