30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 4, Episode 15 - Don Geiss, America and Hope - full transcript

Jack tries to save his career by getting tight with NBC's new owners, Liz cannot escape running into her "future husband" everywhere she goes, and Tracy "comes clean" about remaining faithful to his wife all these years.

I'd like to welcome
everyone to this N.B.C.

Employee Town Hall
Meeting and thank you

for taking time out
of your busy schedules.

Yeah, I'm supposed to be
drinking a soda right now.

A special thanks to those
joining us via simulcast,

particularly you gentlemen
in the Tokyo office.

I know it's late there.

I don't know why you're
wearing girls' pajamas,

but I'm sure it's cultural.

I'm here to address concerns
regarding the acquisition

of our company by KableTown, with a "K".

This is an exciting time for N.B.C.

Not Seinfeld, Friends, E. R. exciting.

More like 3D episodes of Merlin exciting.

But I believe this is a great
opportunity for all of us,

because KableTown is a great company.

Even if it is from...


Go Eagles!

How did you even get a snowball?

Philly rules!

Cheese steaks, Bobby Clarke, Will Smith!

Your town sucks!

You do not want
this argument, Lemon.

Boston is the greatest city in the world.


Boston Tea Party, Boston
cream pie, Boston Rob Mariano.

Birthplace of Benjamin Franklin.

Yeah, then he looked around,
realized it sucked,

and moved to Philadelphia!

Oh, did you just whip a battery at me?

Mr. Donaghy, I'm sorry.

Can we get back to the meeting?

Of course.

My apologies to our friends from
the great city of Los Angeles.

Hey, stop laughing.

L.A. rules.

Michael Bay, freeways, Legoland...

Before I take your questions,

I'd like to say a few
words about Don Geiss.

The world has lost a giant.

He built G.E. into the
greatest company on Earth

and the Earth into one
of the top three planets

in the universe.

For those of you wishing
to pay your respects,

there will be an Episcopal
cryogenic freezing service

open to all Six Sigma
black belts and higher.

That's the craziest thing I've ever heard.


Now, the floor is open to questions.

I would be remiss if I didn't
honor our fallen leader

with a song.

This is for you, "Dan Goose."

♪ Amazing... ♪

♪ grace... ♪

So how was your second
date with Wesley?

Ah, well, you know that
scene in Notting Hill

where they have the
romantic date in the garden?

Well, I would have rather
watched that terrible movie

five times than have
hung out with Wesley.

So he's not your "Future Husband"?

He's not my future anything.

You gave it a shot.

Good riddance.

Nope, I'm seeing him tonight.

You are? Why?

Well, this morning I was
buying an advance ticket

for the Truffaut retrospective
at the Anthology Film Archives.

One for the 8:00
Hot Tub Time Machine?


Are we both seeing Hot
Tub Time Machine tonight?

Why does this keep happening?

If there is a God, Liz, I think that she...


...is trying to tell us something.

It's like the universe
keeps pushing us together.

We can't shake each other.

I had a thing where I kept
running into Michael Douglas.

But then I realized it
was just some old lady

who lives in my building.


A moment?

We have a Tracy problem.

Okay, escaped exotic animal

or did he swallow another firecracker?

I wish.

Our old nanny wrote a
tell-all book about me.

Oh, no.

It's bad, I just got the call
from a friend at Little Brown.

The publishing house?

No, the premier talent
agency for black dwarves.

Tracy, we need to start doing

damage control on this.

What does she reveal in the book?

My addiction
to prescription glasses.

The fact that I suffer from
attention deficit disor...

Jack, your shoes are shiny.

And worst of all,

she revealed the fact that
I've never cheated on my wife.

Okay, well, that's not true.

Uh, actually, it is true.

Tracy, uh, shared
that with me last year.


What about the strip clubs
and the disgusting stories?

Your Ben and Jerry's flavor
is called "Adulteraisin".

That's all for show.

I love my wife.

And only her.

Okay, and how is
that a bad thing?

My wild and sexually adventurous image

is how I make my money, Liz Lemon.

I start losing my endorsements,

Angie's going to be madder
than a bat in a suitcase.


Which reminds me.




I'm sorry.

You have a problem
with the science

of Hot Tub Time Machine?

Yeah, not the time travel.

It's the hot tub.

You don't just turn one on
and it's immediately hot.

I should know, I've been
in a hot tub two times.

Well, I don't
question everything.

Except for the
snacks I got for us.

Yeah, seltzer and Mike and Ikes.

Well, what did you want? Popcorn?


Popcorn? At the cinema?

And by the way,
your food obsession

is not as endearing as you think it is.


It's like being in a Cathy
cartoon that just won't end.

Oh, my God.

I want to smash your face.

I don't think we were
meant to be together.

So why are you in my
phone as "Future Husband"?

And why am I in yours as "Future Wife"?

I guess we'll never know.

At least we'll always have
Dr. Kaplan's recovery room.

It was our Paris.

Too bad we can't go back there.

Look at all these books, sir.

I feel like I'm back at school,

learning about the
dangers of book reading.

This is all research on KableTown.

I'm trying to learn everything
I can about our future owners.

G.E. gave me the finest
education known to man.

I learned how to
develop new products,

innovate new technologies.

We brought good things to life...

and bad things to Chinese rivers.

G.E. is a great company.

Second only to the
company of great friends.

I thought I would
work at G.E. forever.

But my future
opportunities at the company

died with Don Geiss.

I have to accept that and move on

to this exciting, new challenge.

A friend of mine
has been worried

they'll be bringing
in new page rules,

like age limits and age verification.

Truth be told, I haven't
learned a lot about KableTown.

It's a whole, different
business model.

My cousin in Atlanta
is a business model.

She holds up staplers in catalogs.

But later today, I'm
meeting with an old colleague

who left G.E. for
KableTown five years ago.

I'm going to pick his brain
and learn how KableTown works

so I can prove that I am
the man with the ambition,

the talent, and the
looking-at-my watch skills

to run this company.

Terrific, sir.

So, all we need you to do is

to put us under
anesthesia again.

Wesley brought his video camera.

In England, we call it a filmpod.


And that way, afterwards,

we can watch the tape and figure
out what our connection was.

Would you ask a cardiologist
to do something like this?

I am a real doctor.

Yeah, but a cardiologist is...

I know what a cardiologist is.

My brother is a cardiologist,
and I'm just as good as he is.

We drive the same car.

So what if his wife is more attractive?

But Dr. Kaplan, this is for love.

It's like that brilliant
film, uh, Notting Hill.

I'm British and charming,

and she's got certain
angles that work for her.

Dr. Kaplan: Really?

You think you found "the one"
in my recovery room?

Let me show you
what happens in there.

We are going to
hang out so much after this.

I want to take you to
the Big Apple Circus.

'Cause we're best friends.

I don't think there
was any connection.

It was just the anesthesia.

Well, Liz, I wish you all the best.

But "Future Wife" deleted.

That's a
good idea.

And if my heart surgeon
brother is so great,

how come so many of
his patients have died,

But I've only killed one guy?


Say it ain't so, Tray.

What about the Seattle
Seahawks cheerleader?

That one kind-of-thick Rockette?

That blind woman in the business
class bathroom on the Acela.

Were those all lies too?

But Frank, I still party.

I'm still terrible at my job.

I looked up to you.

Now I hate you.


I know what you're
going through.

I got a lot of flak after I
ate the pig that played Babe.

I learned you have to
go on the offensive.

Start denying this stuff.

I did, J-Mo.

I held a press conference this morning.

I'm here to announce that
I'm leaving show business

to spend more time
with my stripper.

But it's like a black
Barbie doll in Arizona.

Nobody's buying it.

Well, we
lost another one, Tray.

I just got off the phone with
the people from Horny Goat Weed.

They're dropping
you as their spokesman.

But John Edwards and
I were supposed to ride

on their Cinco de Mayo float!

Yet another black superstar
taken down by his personal life.

Just like my favorite golfer.

O.J. Simpson.

Remember how
you tricked the owner

of that toaster company into
thinking you were his dead son?

And they sold you the
factory for one dollar.

You are an animal,
Dave "The Animal" Hess.

I was only as good as my mentor,

the man who taught
me how to bait the enemy.

Jack "The Master Baiter" Donaghy.

So, Dave, tell me
all about KableTown.

What's their business strategy?

Revenue streams?

Do they have a preferred side of
the head for parting your hair?

Because I've been
Continental for years,

but I'm willing to go Western.

Whoa, relax, buddy.

Your job is secure.

I just want to understand the operation,

so I can contribute right away.

Well, that's the beauty of it, Jack.

You don't have to.

The cable's already laid, so...

I don't understand.

There's always room
for growth, for innovation.

No, there really isn't.

It's brilliant.

And this is the goose
that lays the golden eggs.

Channels 500 through 600.

Oh, good God.


The Lovely Boners?

The Hind Side?

Fresh-Ass Based on the
Novel 'Tush' by Assfire?

It's all pay-per-view porn.

But do you know how
much of our profit

comes from men
ordering adult movies?

91 percent.

They churn this stuff out,
people at home push a button,

and we make money off it.

We don't do anything.

Then what do you want with N.B. C?

Why do you even want me?

Well, buying N.B.C. counts
as a charitable donation

for tax purposes.

And as for you,

you're the classic American executive.

You will look great
standing behind our C.E.O.

at press conferences.

You are kidding me.

I went to Harvard Business School.

I'm the reason the
microwave tray rotates.


I make things,
I build companies.

Innovate products.

Don't fight it, Jack.

It's the perfect business.

The war is over.

And we won.

"And Alexander wept, for there
were no more worlds to conquer."

Hans Gruber, Die Hard.


I know you're off duty,

but is there any chance you would

take me to the Upper West Side?

Oh, gosh.

Oh, thank you so much.

Bloody hell.

No, no, no, not again.

Wait, that's not him, is it?

Okay, that was almost...

Gangway for footcycle!

Come on, I said, "Gangway for the..."

You witch!

No, no, I am walking away.

Wait, Liz, wait.

Look, I wasn't even supposed
to ride my footcycle home today.

Stop calling it that.

Yeah, fine, my velocipede.

But I did ride it.

Because the universe wanted
me to run into you again.

And I finally think I know why.

Commencing eye-roll sequence.

The universe wants us
to settle for one another.

Well, there has to be a reason
this keeps happening to us, Liz.

I think fate is telling us

this is the best we're ever going to get.

We're each other's settling soulmates.

Settling soul mates?

That is grim.

And I've played Monopoly alone.

Well, I know it's not ideal,
but we'd both benefit.

Then I could open jars
and kill bugs for you,

and you could make me look
less gay at work functions.

Look, I happen to
believe in romantic...

Don't even say, "romantic love".

How many couples do you know
that are actually in love,

that don't completely
annoy one another?

Okay, what about them?

wouldn't be complaining

if you wore the
shoes I bought you.

You're an old bitch.

Why fight this?

Grow old with me, Liz?

In separate bedrooms?

No way.

Have a nice life.

Think about it, Liz!

It's what the universe wants!

You'd have someone to tell you

when you're about
to step in something.

Oh, nerds.

Okay, mentor time.

I need a pep talk.

Lemon, I'm not in the mood
to solve your lady problems

or listen to a story
about whatever escapee

from the Island of Misfit
Toys you are currently dating.

No, this is a Liz relationship emergency.

It's a "Lizaster".

Okay, Lemon, what is it?

Okay, ever since I was little...

No, faster than that.

My whole adult life...


Oprah says...

You have 10 seconds...


This guy, Wesley, thinks
we should get married.

Because it's time
for us to settle.

Now that's completely
and totally wrong, because...

Is it?

Maybe you should settle.

Everybody settles.


Look at me.

At one point, my
obituary was going to read,

"C.E.O. of G.E. Dies
Violently in Casino Orgy."

Now what's it going to say?

"Middle Manager of a
Philadelphia Pornography

Distributor Never Wakes Up?

What are you talking about?


It's a mousetrap company.

And you cannot build
a better mousetrap.

Wait, KableTown makes mousetraps?

Kabletown doesn't make anything.

Maybe it is the perfect business.

A perpetual motion machine,

endlessly satisfying every human need.

Soon, you won't even
have to leave your house.

That sounds pretty good.

They don't need ideas.

They don't need innovation.

In other words, they don't need me.


Where are you going?

I'm going to bury Don Geiss,
America and hope.

Hey, I saw some
women came forward

to say you didn't
have sex with them.

It's gotten worse.

Somebody leaked my voicemails.

Hey, baby, it's your husband.

So I'm at Bed Bath and Beyond.

And I can't remember.

Did you say to get metal or
wood shower curtain rings?

Oh, you're calling me on the other line.

I can't wait to talk to you.

I love you.

How does Angie feel about this?

Is she mad?

She says I better have
an affair and quick,

before it tears our family apart.

I wish I could help you, but I
can't sleep with a black guy.

I'd lose my endorsement
deal with NASCAR.

That's the problem.

Who's desperate enough to have
sex with me at this point?

Come on.

You're still Tracy Jordan.

There's got to be
some skank around here

who has made it very
clear she wants you.

Go save your career and give
her the thrill of a lifetime.

Hello, Elizabeth.

May I offer you a succulent fruit?

What? No.

Why are you in here?

Let me do a dance for you, my lover.


No, this is wrong!

I can't have sex
with you, Liz Lemon!

I love Angie too much!

Wow, okay.

That was not going to
happen for many reasons

besides you loving your wife.

Reason one, I'm conscious.

Reason two, you smell like Icy Hot.

Reason three...

I'm sorry, L.L., I know how
much you wanted this to happen.

I'm disappointed in me too.

If I can't have an affair,
Tracy Jordan is finished.

Stop it.

Just embrace the fact
that you are lucky enough

to be a happily married man.

I mean, I'm actually
jealous of you.

You've got stability, a
great marriage, devoted kids.

You know what I have?

A Sims family that
keeps getting murdered.

So quit whining and be grateful.

I am lucky.

Thanks, Liz Lemon.

You're welcome, Tray.

And you know what?

One day, you will have what I have.

Because you're an amazing,
strong, intelligent woman.

Like Hillary...

From Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

Thank you.

That's a very good pep talk.

Oh, God!

I'm sorry.

I was still riding the vibe from earlier.

Welcome all to the
memorial service / freezing

for Donald H. Geiss.

You were the last
of a dying breed, sir.

I'll never forget the first
thing he ever said to me.

"These are all hookers.

Pick one."

Then after we picked our hookers
and the plane took off,

he told me his business philosophy.

There's always an
untapped market.

Don was the one who realized

there was a whole
segment of consumers

not buying light bulbs.

The asleep.

That realization led him
to develop the nightlight

and the marketing campaign
aimed at making children

afraid of the dark.

"A monster under every bed."

Don said that no business
is ever done evolving.

That there are always
opportunities for innovation.

That you can always...

You can always find new customers.

I... I'm sorry.

But I've just had an
amazing business idea.

You'll have to excuse me.

I know it's not my place yet

to call a meeting of KableTown
senior vice presidents,

but I have something
I need to share with you.

Gentlemen, there is a
giant segment of consumers

who are not buying our
most lucrative product.

Three words.

Porn for women.

Jack, women hate porn.

Almost as much as men
hate going to outlet malls.

Yes, women hate porn.

Our porn.

But women do have
one insatiable need.

To jabber.

And it doesn't matter
if you have a headache

or you're not in the mood

or you're about to
go to Don Geiss' funeral.

They barge right into your
office and start complaining

about a boyfriend or a co-worker.

And you're supposed
to sit there and nod

and tell them they're right.

And the more you give it to
them, the more they want it.

I tell you, sometimes my
wife will be blathering on

about something and I'll
think, "I'm more than just

"a pair of ears, you know.

"I'm a person who thinks
about sex every seven seconds."


So what if women had
a pay-per-view channel

featuring handsome men
patiently listening to them?

What if they had...

porn for women?

Okay, but where does
that content come from?

From us.

We make it.

Jack, we... we don't make...

Hear me out.

Yes, I'm talking about
doubling pay-per-view profits

while cutting out the middle man.

But I'm also talking
about American businessmen

doing what they were born to do.

Make things.

We've stopped making and
become a country of consumers.

Well, I, for one, am done consuming.

And I'm ready to make.


I don't believe it!

Hello, Wesley.

Don't you see this is just
going to keep happening?

You can't fight the universe.

No, this isn't a coincidence.

I wanted to see you.

And I figured you
wouldn't miss a tasting

of the white wines of Scotland.

Most restaurants
refuse to serve them.

Oh, yeah, you've only told
me that, like, nine times.

So does this mean you've
come to your senses?

Are you ready to settle
and become Mrs. Snipes?

No, I wanted to
tell you to your face

that I know that I
can do better than you.

And I'm never going to be Mrs. Snipes.

Hang on, is your
name Wesley Snipes?

That is insane.

It's insane that the actor
Wesley Snipes has that name.

If you saw a picture of
him and a picture of me

and you were asked who
should be named Wesley Snipes,

you'd pick the pale
Englishman every time.

Every time, Liz!

Frankly, you should be having
this conversation with him!

Yeah, I'm going to go do that.

I give it two months before you
give up and decide to settle!

I'll see you in May!

For sweeps!

That's what we call
spring cleaning in England!


Hello, there.

Well, hello.

How was your day?

Do you need to talk?

'Cause I'll just listen
patiently and say things like,

"Uh-huh," "How annoying,"

"She's clearly jealous of you,"

and "Well, it's his loss".

You're a great woman.

You deserve a great man.

For just $24.95 an hour.

Yes, please.

It's the yellow button, sweetie.