30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 3, Episode 4 - Gavin Volure - full transcript

Liz thinks she's found the perfect mate in an eccentric, agoraphobic former CEO, and Tracy thinks that his sons are trying to kill him.

We're at a party, Lemon.
Try to loosen up a little.

How can I loosen up?

I'm in Connecticut,
I haven't eaten

and I'm stressed about
an "away toilet" situation.

Do you know how lucky we are?

We are in Gavin Volure's home.

He was the C.E.O. of SunStream.

Yeah, I don't know
what that is.

Is this potpourri
or chips?

'Cause I'm gonna
try to eat it.

Volure's a god.

He was the first man
to be on the cover of

"Fortune" and "Jet" magazine
at the same time.

Of course, that was back when "Jet"

was actually about jet ownership.

That magazine took a weird turn.

These are not chips.

Then, he fell off the face of the earth.

Sold SunStream and shut himself
off from the world.

They say he hasn't left his home
in almost three years.

Well, I hope he
shows up for dinner.

He's already here.

Thank you all for
coming tonight.

Because of my... severe agoraphobia

and my... debilitating wealth...

I am forced to bring the world to me

and host dinners for interesting
people from all walks of life:

the world of fashion...


art collecting and yelling.

Why isn't there any good art
in here? Come on!


and historical fiction.


What if the Germans
had won the war, Lemon?

And the arts.

I'm glad Jack was able to bring you, Liz.

I asked him about you
after I saw your photo

in the Style section of
"The New York Times."

Funny story-- I was only
wearing that because

the fire alarm went off while
I was getting a haircut.

Well, you looked beautiful.

And, as always

I keep one chair empty

to represent our unfulfilled
hopes and dreams.

I'm just kidding.

Eliot Spitzer's hooker couldn't make it.

Now, I want to send my driver

into Manhattan to pick up dessert.

Anybody know a good place for cupcakes?

I think there's...


give me a break.
I'm on it.

77th and Amsterdam, 68th and Columbus...

1 25th and President Clinton Boulevard.

Also, don't overthink it.

Sara Lee, frozen. Unbelievable.

Mr. Jordan, what are you
still doing here?

I don't want to go home, Ken.

You know my two sons, Tracy Jr.
and George Foreman?

They've been acting really weird lately.

Where you going?

N... nowhere.

Those two have never
paid me any attention.

And rightly so.

I'm a strange man who can't be
taken seriously.

Now, they won't let me out of their sight.

Well, maybe they love you.

Nope. Look what the little one made me.

Aw, that's cute.

This is voodoo, Ken!

Those two are up to something.

Sometimes, kids act out
when there's a big change.

I know I was a handful when my family moved

from our farmhouse to that
militia camp in the woods.

Well, there is all
this new money coming in.

And it's not just
from the video game.

It's the tie-ins, the toys

the life-size Tracy Jordan sex doll

that's selling like hotcakes in Japan.

Well, you know what they say:
money is the root of all evil.

I thought that was just the
tagline for my movie

"Death Bank."

I can't believe you're out of the game.

It's like Picasso not painting

or Bruce Willis not combining
action and rock harmonica.

Don't you miss it?

I do, that's why
I'm forming a new company.

wind power...

bandwidth, Chinese market.

Oh, God!

I'm funding the whole thing myself.

Partners... oy.


you're drooling. If you want in

I'll make a little room and
pull some strings.

This is the most exciting day of my life.

And I was pulled

onstage once to dance at
a Bruce Springsteen concert.

Welcome aboard.

Just think...

this time next year, you'll be so rich

you can run for political office
without having to pretend

to be a Fundamentalist.

Jack, the car is here.


Liz, thank you for coming.

I really enjoyed
your cupcakes.

And because my agoraphobia-
related germ issues prevent

direct human contact,
I wonder if Carl here

might say good night
to you for me?


Good night, Liz.

I hope to see you
again soon.

Okay. Good night.

Guys, listen up.

I just got a memo saying that

every floor in the
building has to designate

a floor emergency marshal

for fires,
terrorist attacks

"Cloverfield" monsters.

I can't do it because my head is
too big for the helmet.

So... any volunteers?

No, but you have
a big head.

That's not a burn. I just said that.

Hey, guys.

Cerie, is my phone ringing?

It is. Wow, you have, like, dog ears.

So, are you going to...



Hey, Liz. It's Gavin Volure.

Oh, hi.

Listen, I only took that napkin because

I wrapped some chicken in it.

That's not why I'm calling.

I just had a good time
with you the other night

and I wondered if you'd like to
come out again this Saturday.

Are you having another party?



Well, this must be
what the kids call

a "booty call."

I haven't been out of
the house since 2004

and even I know the kids don't
call it that anymore.

So, uh... what do you say?

Um... yes, I guess. Right?

Okay, I'll send a helicopter to
take you to the train station.



What the what?

Well, it's gonna be
a beautiful...

sunny day today
and we can expect...

much more of the same
over the next few days...

Authorities came to believe

that the Menendez brothers acted
out of pure greed.

The only thing
standing between them

and tremendous wealth was...


Say it!

Their father, Jose Menendez.

My kids are going to kill me!


Kenneth, what are you doing?

Oh, hello, sir.

I've been taking in laundry
to make extra money.

I just don't let myself read the
t-shirts with off-color slogans.

Laundry? Kenneth, I know
we pay you a living wage.

I fought against it.

Yes, sir, but I've had to send
more money home lately.

There are problems on the farm.

After years of inbreeding,
the pigs are getting violent

and the pig shield around
the house has worn thin.

Kenneth, how much money do
you have in your savings?

Well, let's see...


If you don't include Confederate money.


I'm going to invest that for you.

A friend has presented me

with a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

and I want to include you.

Oh, Mr. Donaghy! Thank you, sir!

After I invest this money

you'll be able to buy your folks a pig moat.

Well, that would be great if
pigs weren't excellent swimmers.

Jack, Gavin Volure just
called and asked me out--

I mean, in--for the weekend.

I thought he might.
He asked if we were involved.

I said you used to have a thing for me

but you were getting over it.

That is what's happening, right?

Yeah. Listen, I kind of told him I'd go.

You should. What's the problem?

I don't know. I'm still tired
from that dinner.

And meeting someone new?

Ugh, all the nodding and smiling
and sibling listing.

And what's the upside?

It works and you have
to have a bunch of sex?

Lemon, what do you want?

Do you want to be alone for
the rest of your life?

No, I just wish I could start a
relationship about 12 years in

when you really don't have
to try anymore.

And you can just sit around
together and goof on TV shows

and then go to bed without anybody trying

any funny business.

Lemon, don't over-think this.
Gavin is a fabulous guy.

If I were dating a man, he would
be at the top of my list

with Michael Jordan,
Denzel Washington, Taye Diggs...

God, do I have a black thing?

I do like him.

Lemon? You're going to go to Gavin's

and you're going to work this
thing like a Chinese gymnast--

Wear something tight, force a
smile... and lie about your age.

Hey, guys...

Daddy's home.

Don't Menendez me.

We made the hockey team!

And, uh, this is the study.

Oh, this is interesting.

Uh... one of these benches
is a priceless work of art

and the other is

an ordinary bench from which to admire it.

Which one is which?

So you just never
leave this house?

Uh, I'm afraid not.

And it does get lonely.

I'd be lying if I told you
I've never danced with a broom.

That's nothing.

Sometimes, to feel like
I have company during dinner

I dispute credit card
charges on speakerphone.

Thanks for coming up.

I know my situation is complicated

but, uh, I really enjoyed
your company the other night.

I had a great time, too.

So with your

how does this... work?

Well... it's not easy.

We can never leave the house.

And we'd just probably sit
around all weekend and watch TV.

Go on.

There's not much else to do up here but eat

and read celebrity gossip on the
internet and nap the day away.


And, unfortunately, uh, because of my phobias

we could never be physically intimate.

I know.

What woman would
want all that?


Oh, hello, Kenneth.

Please, sit down.

I'm sorry to bother you, Mr. Donaghy

but I've got another $10 I'd like to invest.

I did some street performing in
my neighborhood this weekend.

Kenneth, I'm very proud of you.
Next stop, home ownership.

I'm just kidding.

The middle class is dying.
You'll be renting forever.

Uh, let's just call my broker.

Hey, Jack.

Hey, Walter, I just want
to check on an investment

I made on Friday.

All right, let's pull it up.

Uh, that... that account
was closed out.


Yeah, zero balance
as of this morning.

I don't know what, uh...
that hot tip was

but you'd have been better off
putting that money

in a coffee can.

Hi, Walter.

This is Kenneth Parcell, NBC page program.

What's the status of my investment?

this was wonderful.

I really enjoyed watching
MTV Canada with you.


They can't seem to get anything
right up there, can they?

I hope you'll come back.
Maybe next weekend?

I'd like that.

Me, too.

Well, I should go.

Do you have everything?
Do you have your cell phone?

Oh, um...

Oh... nerds.
Where is it?

Oh, uh... there it is, in the other room.


Could you get Liz's
cell phone for her

so I can say a proper goodbye?

Thanks, buddy.

Anyway, I just...

We don't have much time, Liz!


Look, Liz, I've decided
I can trust you

so I'm going to tell you
the truth.

I'm not really an eccentric agoraphobe.

I just tell people that so they won't know

I'm under house arrest
for tax fraud... and arson.


Ah! The wind must have
blown it shut, Carl!

I'm searching for the key!

Carl's a U.S. Marshal.

Come, before they shoot!

I thought Derek was upstairs!

I miscounted the men, Liz!

I miscounted the men!

Gavin, it's Jack.

Please call me immediately.

Also, that joke answering
machine message makes me

really think you've picked up.

So, I start talking and then
it beeps and, uh...

I feel like a fool.

Hey, your friend is a crook.

He's under house arrest
for tax fraud, embezzlement

and racketeering.

What is racketeering?!

No one knows, Lemon.

And he's not
a germaphobe!

I thought I was helping him
when I let him

hold my boob while
we watched "Top Chef."

Oh, I'm sorry.

You should be.
You made me go up there.

Well, I'm going to fix this.

I'm going to get Kenneth
his money back, and for you

I'm going to hit Gavin Volure harder

than a bottle of whiskey
at an Irish wake.

Tracy, get out of the hallway.

Or am I?

Oh, God, this dream again?

That's not me.

That's the Tracy Jordan
Japanese sex doll.

You can tell us apart because

it's not suffering from
a vitamin deficiency.

Other than the natural inclination

to make love to yourself,
why did you get this?

To use as a decoy.

So my greedy children

will murder it and I'll be able
to escape un-Menendezed.

This is insanity.

Or is it?

The parallels between

the Jordans and the "Menendai" are uncanny.

Both families are rich,
both families have two sons

and both families are staples of Court TV.

Money does make people crazy.
Look at Gavin.

And he doesn't have the lifelong
scarring of an absentee father.


You want to get one? I can get you one.

You've got 10 seconds, Volure.

I'm sorry, Jack, but I needed
that money for my escape.

And it's all gone.

I spent it...

on disguises.

What about your billions?
What about SunStream?

SunStream is why I'm trapped here.

It's not a real company.

If you watch our commercials, we
never actually say what we did.





You can't be broke. What about this house?

The government owns this house.

I share it with three other
white-collar criminals.

Hey, Glenn! That's my peanut butter!

God, you're pathetic.

Creamy? This is, this is not my pea...

I'm sorry, Glenn.

I know. I'm pathetic.

But I never meant to hurt Liz.

I miss her, Jack.

I miss her laughter, her voice...

the sound of
her scratching

her dry elbow skin all the way up... ow!

Damn it!

I have got a serious case of the Mondays!

Gavin, you're going to have
to make this thing right.

I will, Jack,
I promise.

We trusted you, Gavin.

I know,
good point.

And you betrayed us.

Wow, that's
wonderful news!


Gavin, what are you doing in there?

Yep! You and me both, pal!

I'll just be a minute.


Gosh, these acoustics
in here are fantastic!

# Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll love you?

# Tomorrow, it's only a day,

Uh, Kenneth?

I couldn't get your money
back and I'm sorry.

I feel responsible,
so I want you to have this.

Mr. Donaghy, I can't take that.

Well, what would this country be
if our economy didn't allow

wealthy people to take
advantage of rubes?

Well, yes, that's true, but what
about your family?

Oh, don't worry about us.

We Parcells have eaten our share
of rock soup and squirrel tail.

But we've also known lean times.
We'll get by.


I need someone to be
our floor emergency marshal.

And you came to me first?

Thank you, sir!

Uh, Pete... doesn't that
responsibility come with

a $4,000 signing bonus?



Oh, right, I remember
that meeting...

where you also said I would get
a per diem for gas.

Yes. Yes, um... 12 cents a mile.

Yes! Hornberger!

Yes... Hornberger.

Tracy Jr: Daddy?

It begins.

Daddy, are you awake?

I keep having this scary dream.

I dreamed that you'll get
so rich that you leave us

and get a new family

and never come back.

And, Daddy, I don't want you to leave us

'cause I love you.

I love you so much.

I love you too, son!

Stop it!

Stop "patriciding!" It's me!

There's nothing to be
freaked out about!

That's just a Japanese
sex doll in Daddy's bed.

Now, you listen.

You don't have to ever
worry about me leaving

'cause I'll always be there
to take care of you.

And there's something else.

If anything ever happens to me...

you and your brother are going to go to jail.

Liz Lemon!


I'm not dead.

Good to know.

Yes, it is.

Oh, also, everything worked out
with Jenna's dad visiting.


Oh, you weren't really around
for any of that.

Cast to the stage
for rehearsal.

Cast to the stage...

Hello, Liz.

Oh, my God! Gavin?


We're supposed to be quiet
during rehearsal.

What are you doing here?

I came back for you, Liz.

I was free. I was across the Canadian border.

No, you weren't. What's the scam?

Do you want money?

No, I'm not lying. I can prove it-- look.

Cheap cholesterol medicine from Canada...

a Paris Hilton film released only in Canada.

"Camp of Approval"?
What does that even mean?

Liz, what's the point of being
free if you're alone?

You get me.

Come with me to Canada.

Toronto is just like New York
but without all the stuff.

Absolutely not.


I thought by now, you'd be some
place that U.S. Iaw

couldn't touch you, like Bali or Utah.

What made you come back?

The reason is standing right next to you.

I came back for Liz.

Liz isn't going
anywhere, Volure.

I already told him that.

You've already
done enough damage

taking advantage of
her loneliness

and her Big Ben-sized
biological clock.

Oh, come on.

I'm stopping it.
I can't believe I'm saying this

to the great Gavin Volure, but
Liz Lemon is too good for you.

Oh, well, that is nice.

It's over, Volure. Give me the brush.

You stay back. I swear I will paint you.

I am not going

to real prison.

I've lost everything.

I'm financially ruined. I've lost Liz.

That paint is drying weird.

And now, prison?

Not prison...

not for Gavin Volure.

What are you doing?

Get down from there!

Good God, Volure.

That's gotta be 15, 16 feet!

Everybody, stand back.

Gavin Volure is gonna jump!

We need the floor emergency marshal!

Gavin Volure! Everybody wanted
to be Gavin Volure!

Volure, calm down.

Gavin, don't do this.

All right, everyone, I'm in charge!

Does anyone need
water or saltines?

I would feel safer with some saltines.

I had the money.

I had the yacht, I had the women.

I had it all and then I lost it!

And now... I'm gonna jump!

Gavin, listen to me.

I know you've had some setbacks lately.

Glenn ate all my peanut butter!

Gavin, I'm not gonna lie to you.

You'll probably be killed in
the first six months of prison.

But that's neither here nor there.

The important thing is that you're alive now

which means there's hope.

You know? You're making a lot of sense.

Yes, you have to pay for
the things you've done.

You're not making sense anymore!

In spite of everything

you still have friends who will stand by you.

And, more importantly, perhaps
most importantly of all...

Now, Tracy!

What? But you're down there.

Or am I?

Good job, sex doll.

He miscounted the men.

You know, a lot of people
look down on sex dolls.

But as we saw tonight

they save lives and bring families together.

How am I such an expert?
I'm Tracy Jordan's sex doll.

All right,
let's do this!