30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 3, Episode 2 - Believe in the Stars - full transcript

Liz sits next to Oprah on her flight from Chicago to New York, Tracy and Jenna conduct a "social experiment" to settle a dispute, and Kenneth is disillusioned when he learns that some Olympic events were actually staged.


Is this important?

It'll just take a second.

Fine, but Mr. Donaghy
is on another call right now

and doesn't have time for a
separate interaction with you.

Everything he
says will have

to work for
both conversations.



"Lemon" works for your business call?

Oh, right, uh...

Well, I just wanted
to let you know that

I have to go to Chicago for jury
duty because I never changed

my residence to New York.

Why not?

Because I wanted to vote
in a swing state, Jack.

Also, I want to stay

on the mailing list at
Chicago Pizza Explosion.

How fast can you turn it around?

Who, me?

Oh, right.

Uh, I'll fly back in the morning.

I never get
put on a jury.

I wear my Princess Leia costume
and they dismiss me immediately.

Well, that sounds good for both of us.

Thank you very much, sir.

Ha, that last part didn't work both ways.

You said "sir."

I think it worked fine.

I'll have Jonathan

call Travel and upgrade your flight.


What do you
take to fly?

Candy and magazines.

No, pills.

Nobody flies without medication anymore.

Why shouldn't you enjoy
the same luxuries as a dog?


"May cause dizziness, sexual
nightmares and sleep crime."

It's very good.

Tyler Brody on two, sir.

Tyler Brody, the dude from the Olympics?

Yes, he was the silver
medalist in tetherball.

Speedman's caught an angle!

Tyler Brody is flailing!

And there's the coil!

Lance Speedman is the Olympic
Tetherball Champion...

and Tyler Brody can't believe it!

Boy, there are a lot of weird
Olympic events these days.

Not that weird, Lemon.

Tetherball, we faked.

What? Why would you fake an Olympic event?

For ratings.

We staged several events so that
Americans could win more medals.

That's despicable.

It took years of planning and
now Tyler Brody

is threatening to go public
and ruin everything.

So obviously, I have a lot on my plate

and no time to baby-sit the sixth floor.

So before you go gallivanting
off to Chicago

make sure you get your people under control.

Be a manager.

Yeah, yeah.

Liz, Tracy is countersuing me!

For "defamation of character."

How can you "defame" someone
who's been arrested

in three different Chuck E. Cheeses?

Do you know who I am?!

Seriously, please tell me who I am!

Jenna, I'm not taking sides
in this lawsuit thing.

It's ridiculous.

Tracy's video game
never would have worked

without my voice acting.

I deserve to get paid.

Liz Lemon!


Liz, will you tell Tracy I don't
even want to speak to him?

Okay, two can play at that game.

Liz, could you please tell
Kenneth that Liz wants him?

That's not even...
Okay, that's it.

I am calling Human Resources

and setting up a mediation for you.

I told you, I don't
drink that much at work.

Mediation is a binding form of
non-judicial dispute resolution.

I watched "Boston Legal" nine
times before I realized

it wasn't a new "Star Trek."

Liz, you have to admit
this is unfair.

I got nothing.

Meanwhile, Grizz and
Dotcom bought a boat.

Cape Hatteras is lovely
this time of year.

Well, of course Tracy takes
care of his boys and not you.

He thinks he can

take advantage of you
because you're a woman.

Men think they can get
away with anything.

It's like when Adrien Brody
kissed Halle Berry

at the Oscars.

No one has it harder in this
country today than women.

It turns out we can't be president.

We can't be network news anchors.

Madonna's arms
look crazy.

Tyler, I know you're upset we
didn't pick you for the gold

and I'm going to
make it up to you.

How would you like to
host "Deal or No Deal"

in the privacy of your own home?

I think I'll hold a press
conference instead...

tell the world there's no such
thing as Olympic tetherball.

...or synchronized running.

Or octuples tennis!

It's all a lie.

A white lie that
did a lot of good

for this country's morale.

Did you know that
President Bush's approval rating

was almost as high as 15%
following the Olympics?

Gasp! Olympic hero Tyler Brody!

Olympic fraud!

There's no such thing as Olympic tetherball.

They made it all up for the ratings.

What are you saying?


You can be the voice of "Knight Rider..."

the film!

I'm listening.

Okay, I'm Jeffrey, I am a mediator.

And you two are having
a dispute, now why is that?

Because Tracy thinks he can
treat me unfairly

because I'm a woman.

What?! Please.

We're here because white folks
think they can do

whatever they want to do to black folks.

It's like when Adrien Brody
kissed Halle Berry

at the Oscars.

White people stole
jazz, rock-n-roll

Will Smith and heart disease.

Now they think

they can take my hard-earned money.

Okay, well, if we look at how voice actors

are normally compensated...

Liz says,
in today's America

it's harder to be
a woman than a black man.

Liz Lemon? That chick is dumb!


Tracy, do you know women still
get paid less than men

for doing the same job?

Do you know it's still illegal
to be black in Arizona?!

Do you have any idea
how hard it is

to be an overweight transgender
in this country?!

No, Grandma, no...

"Believe in the stars."

It's like that doesn't even
mean anything anymore.


I'm sure I can trust
your discretion about

what happened in
my office today.

What you overheard was some rather

grown-up talk.

Was any of it real,
Mr. Donaghy?

Beer pong? Jazzercise?
Women's soccer?

You're not in Stone Mountain
anymore, Kenneth.

This is the
real world

and not everything is in black and white.

There's always a right thing
to do, Mr. Donaghy.

Just, sometimes, it's not
the easy thing to do.

Tyler Brody was not the only
hero I lost today, sir.

The other hero was you,
in case that wasn't...

I got it, Kenneth.

If it weren't for you people,
I'd still be in Africa...

gorgeous, politically
stable Africa!

My people?

Women are the oppressed ones.

And it's even harder
being a beautiful woman.

Everyone assumes I don't try
in bed, it's discrimination!

Whatever, You couldn't last
one day in my shoes, Maroney!

Right, Toof?

No, thank you.

I could totally be black.

You should try
being a white woman!

Okay, I will!

No, no, no, no, no!

I don't like where
this is heading.

"Freaky Friday" social experiment!

Oh, it's on!

Where is Liz Lemon?

I don't really think it's fair
for me to be on a jury

because I can read thoughts.


Welcome aboard
Flight 1876 to New York...


Lemon, as part of our deal
to keep him quiet

Tyler Brody is going to be on
your show this week.

But he won't do any tetherball stuff.

Boy, Jack, it must be nice to
dump your problems

on other people.

It is.

Lemon, do you think Kenneth admires you?

Sure, that kid looks up to everybody.

He calls Tracy's lizard "sir."

So someone would have to
be a complete monster

to lose his respect.

Yeah... I don't know what
we're talking about.

We're talking
about nobody...

a hillbilly nobody that
doesn't know anything.


Tracy is a white woman, Liz.


He's trying to prove

that being a white woman is
easier than being a black man.

Wait, no...
what about the mediation?

We are way past that.

This is gonna be bigger than
when Tyra Banks

put on that fat suit.

And don't worry...

When I prove Tracy wrong,
you'll get all the credit.

What are you
gonna do, J...?


Liz, it's
Becky, your college roommate!

I'm sorry, who?

See, Liz Lemon?

You're already treating me
with more respect.

Oh, God, Tracy...

You wait till I test
this noise out on society.

Minds will be blown!

No! No society.

Do not go outside, do not
let Jack Donaghy see you!

listen to meem... oh, boy.

This pills am strong.

You can't fix this, Liz Lemon!

It's about race, It's about being a woman.

It's about money.
It's about being on TV!

And no one understands all that.


I'ma call you back, I snitting nexta Borpo.

Well, Portland's got a fun, little waterfront.

Would you mind if I closed
this window shade...

I'm trying to adopt a baby but my job

is making it impossible

because my Work Self

is suffocating my Life Me!

I'm Liz Lemon

and I lost my virginity at 25.

I saw the show about
following your fear

and it inspired me to wear
shorts to work.

It didn't go great.

Do you know Tracy Jordan?

I took
a pill earlier, but...

I didn't get my
September issue

of "O" magazine, do you have
the number for subscriptions?

Why would you?! Aah!

I eat emotionally.

And, one time, at summer camp,
I kissed a girl on a dare

but then she drowned!

And here comes some more stuff,
I hate my feet.

And, once, I had a sex dream
about Nate Berkus

but halfway through,
he turned into Dr. Oz.

Has that ever
happened to you?

A hug! This is happening!

It's all right, Liz,
it's all right.

I'm okay.

Please stay close.

Uh, can you keep your hands
outside my clothes?



Kenneth, I'm a good person.

If you say so, sir.

But sometimes,
life is complicated.

There isn't always a right answer.

Say you're in a lifeboat...

"You're in a lifeboat."

The boat holds eight people...
but you have nine onboard.

Either you will capsize

and everyone will drown
or one person can be

sacrificed to save the others.

Now, how do you decide
who should die?

Oh, I don't believe in
hypothetical situations

Mr. Donaghy, That's like
lying to your brain.

Kenneth, you've lived
a sheltered life.

Virtue never tested is no virtue at all.

Oh, I have been tested, sir.

There are only two things
I love in this world...

everybody and television.

But up in my neighborhood,
we can't even afford cable.

So my neighbor,
the Colonel, and I

just watched whatever the ol'
rabbit ears pick up.

A lot of folks have chosen to go ahead

and steal cable

from the poor, defenseless
cable company.

But not me.

As bad as I want all those
channels, I don't do it

because stealing is wrong.

Kenneth, I'm familiar
with the 10 Commandments.


A lot of us women eat
emotionally, Liz.

And while we're not always
in control of our feelings

we do control of
the decisions we make.

I know, of course.

Now, you say that
you want a child

and yet, you let Jenna and Tracy
fill that role in your life.

Maybe you're afraid

of taking that next step.

Oh, my God, that's it!

Now that we've
leveled off

I think they're gonna
serve us a little snack.

So true, so wise.

You know, when you say
that to everything

it makes me feel like
you're not listening.


Here, try this.

It's wonderful salt-water
taffy from Rhode Island.

Wow, is this one of
your "favorite things"?

Oh, yes.

And I have so many wonderful
favorite things this year.

Sweater capes,
calypso music...

paisley tops...
Chinese checkers


that lift up your butt
and give you a work-out.

And you...

Liz Lemon.

Too many women are wearing
themselves too thin these days.

And what suffers
because of that?

Your bowel movements.

Your personal life.

Personal life, yes.

I want to help you,
what can I do?

Oh, my God,
would you say...

"Please welcome, Liz Lemon!"


But here is what
I will do.

While I'm in New York,
if you want

I can stop by
and I can talk

to Tracy and Jenna.

Solve that little
problem for you

so you can

on Liz for once.

Oh, you are the best
person in the whole world.

Good grief.

Hi, strangers!

Do you think I'm sexy?
Giggle, giggle, giggle!

Tracy, I know it's you.
And, yeah, I do.

I'm meeting my girlfriends
for brunch!

I hope we can sit outside!


Jack, what are you
doing down here?

It's been a real
crazy day, Lemon.

We're bidding to build a wind
farm in Turkey

and I'm trying
to convince the board

to sell the
Locomotive Division

and Kenneth is being
a real stick in the mud.

Well, there's nothing
to see down here!

Everything is under
control in Studio 6H.

Good morning!

No! No, no, no!

No, no, no!

No, no, no...
wait, stop!

Why do you have a monster claw?

They ran out of
white make-up 'cause I insisted

they do my buttocks.

Good morning!

What is going on here?

Jenna and I are
doing a social experiment.

No, you're not.

Wait, what is
Jenna doing?

? You gotta ease on down?

? Ease on down the road?

Jenna, stop that right now.

This is worse than when you
wore your shorts to work.

You realize this
is incredibly offensive.


And you realize blackface makeup
reignites racial stereotypes

African-Americans have worked

for hundreds of years
to overcome.

Here we go.

Yeah, it's bad.

I get it,
Go get some baby wipes!

We're trying to prove

women or black men.

white men.

We make the unpopular,
difficult decisions...

the tough choices.

We land on the moon and Normandy
Beach, and yet, they resent us.

Well, sir...

I'm sorry to disagree,
but I am also a white man...

No, you are not,
socio-economically speaking

you are more like
an inner-city Latina.

The point is, men like
me have to step in

and clean up messes like this.

No, you don't, I've got
this under control!

She's coming, Jack,
Oprah is coming!

And she's gonna fix everything,

Oh, my, what was that?

We've tripped the
emergency brake, Kenneth.

Mr. Donaghy?

And I've hermetically
sealed this elevator car.

No air can get
in or out.

Don't worry, folks,
help will be here soon

and we have enough oxygen...
for eight people.

Unfortunately, there are
nine of us in here.

Now... one must die.

Mr. Donaghy!

In the panel where the
elevator phone should be

I placed a pistol
loaded with one bullet.

It's empty!

Then you'll have to choke me
with my belt.

I will fight you. It's human nature.

What is wrong with you?!

Oprah smells like rosewater
and warm laundry.

Did she tell you any of her new
favorite things for this year?

Calypso, paisley, Chinese
checkers and sweater capes.

Let's go to
the mall!

Did she touch you?

Well, Kenneth, I give up.

I thought pure morality
died with Chuck Heston

but you proved me wrong.

You are better
than all of us.

You are one Latina fantastica.


Kenneth Ellen Parcell...

you are my hero.

You don't mean "hero" like
"sandwich," do you?

No, Kenneth... not like sandwich.

Oh, no.

Oprah's coming.

I haven't
seen Oprah since

she did that episode about
the worst celebrity dads.

Um, Liz?

Your guest is here.


Hello, Liz Lemon!

Uh, how you doin'?


What were you on?
That's a kid.

That does explain some
of the stuff she said.

I get to fly first class 'cause
my mom is a flight attendant!

I lost my headgear at Six Flags.

My boyfriend's in ninth grade!

It's not Oprah.

I thought
it was Oprah.

It's a spunky, little tween.

Now, as I am sure Liz has told
you, I am Pam.


I'm a middle school
class vice president...

a certified and trained

and I recently got Internet
in my room!

I think I gave her wine.

I believe I can achieve anything.

So let's get down
to solving this problem.

Now which one of you is "Jana"?

Hello, Mr. Donaghy.

Did you have a
good night, Kenneth?

Oh, yes, sir, hardly any
screaming from the Colonel.

I was thinking...

We all try to be perfect,
but the world...

maybe, well...

uh, what I'm
trying to say...

There's a whole channel on
the cable that just tells you

what's on the other channels!

I know, Kenneth, it's okay.

I am glad I'm not
a white man, Mr. Donaghy.

Is SpongeBob

supposed to be terrifying?

You're darn right he is, Kenneth.

Yesterday, Liz
and I realized

that she's probably wearing
the wrong bra size.


Yup... that one's
definitely bigger.

And that
made me feel sad.

Now show me your
emotion drawings.

Tracy, your emotion
is upside-down.

That's the way
my world is right now.

I guess I'm gonna have to
clean up your mess after all.

She's 12, how did I...

It's okay, it happens
to the best of us.

In-flight medication is how
I met M. Night Shyamalan

until it turned out to be...

That was the best
day of my life.


we worked it out.

I've been hearing...

but I haven't been listening.

And I need to stop being a
frenemy and be your real B.F.F.

Well... Iooks like
my work here is done.

So, I'll see you at my
parents' house for dinner.

My best friend
Gayle can't make it

because she has some
algebra test tomorrow.

Oh, Gayle!

Good job, Lemon.

Good job, Pam, really.

take credit.


? Lean on me...
when you're not strong?

We're not doing that now.

Stop that, do you hear me?

I don't think I should be
drinking this.

Oh, come on, like you
never have a drink.

Well, I did have some champagne
at my cousin's wedding once.

Yeah, you did! To Oprah!

My name is Pam.

Oh, Oprah!