30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 2, Episode 6 - Somebody to Love - full transcript

Jack has a one night stand with a Democrat who is campaigning against one of NBC's sister companies, Liz suspects her neighbor is a terrorist, and Kenneth tries to raise money to buy Jack a pair of pants.

Are you making waffles?
No. Quiet.

Somebody is, and the maple syrup
smells delicious.

Hey, I just wanted to make sure

you're practicing
your Rerun dance

for the "What's Happening!"

I'm trying, Liz Lemon,
but I can't concentrate.

Somebody on my block
is making waffles,

and it's making me horny!

You smell maple syrup, too?

You live all the way
in Jersey.

That's weird.
Hold on.


Do you smell maple syrup?


Don't panic, Lemon. It's
probably not a chemical attack.

What do you mean "probably"?

It's probably
just a strange wind pattern

coming off those factories
in Staten Island

where food flavors
are made.

I don't think it's Northrax.

What's Northrax?

It's a chemical agent we sold
to the Saudis in the 1980s.

It smells exactly
like maple syrup,

but I don't think
this is it.

Well, how do you know?

Because Northrax kills you
within 10 seconds.

I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Make me look like this.

Like that's a stretch.

Hey, Jack,
thanks for that call last night.

I get really nutburgers over
this Homeland Security stuff.

Always check with me first,
Lemon. I have NSA connections.


Didn't you just get a haircut
two days ago?

I get my hair cut
every two days.

After all,
your hair is your head suit.

I'm going to a party tonight
honoring Robert Novak.

It's being thrown by John McCain
and Jack Bauer.

Um, I don't think he's real.

I assure you, Lemon,
John McCain is very real.

I have to look perfect.

When it comes to hair,
no one is more bitchy
than conservative males.

Good Lord, Donaghy,
did you comb your hair
with a chicken bone?

They can be brutal.

Well, have fun.

Don't get peer-pressured
into invading Iran.

Oh, before you go,
I'd like you to put this on.

Sheinhardt Wig Company?
What's this?

A way to show support
for our parent company

which is having
a little P.R. Hiccup right now.

All right.

I picked up your tuxedo
from the cleaners, Mr. Donaghy,

just like you asked.

Thank you, Kenneth.

Let me just
take this plastic off,

'cause I saw on
"Martha Stewart" how we're
all doing everything wrong.

Where are the pants?

Sweet peaches,
what have I done?!

Somewhere along the way, they
must've slipped out the bottom.

It's all right, Kenneth.
These things happen.


Uncle Butch was right.

I'm just a stupid
country bumpkin

with great skin
and soft hands.

I'll just have Jonathan
bring over another pair.

No, sir.
This is my mistake.

I will replace your pants.

They cost $2,500.

I will find your pants.

All right!
My prescription shampoo!


Who is it?

I have your mail.
I live across the hall.

Hi. I didn't even realize anyone
had moved in over here. Welcome.

I'm Liz.
What's your name?


That's my mother's name.

No, I'm just kidding.

Give me my package, please.


Well, it was nice to meet...

Coming up next,

Candice Vandershark,
a Lifetime "Intimate Portrait."

Have you met the guy
across the hall?

Raheem? Yeah.
He's a good egg.

He's weird.
He wouldn't shake my hand.

And I think
it's because I'm a woman.

And get this, he's got maps
all over his walls.



You mean like that one?

That's different.

That's... That's an antique,
and I'm a white lady.

What are you saying, there,

Pete, you know me.

I never make assumptions
about race.

Remember I asked that black guy
if he had seen "Sideways"?

But this guy.
I don't like him.

You're being paranoid.
Raheem is a really nice guy.

He's always helping.

He rewired the toaster oven,

and he showed me a back way
to the airport.

Listen to yourself, Pete!

I don't want to sound racist,

but that pita pocket
might be a terrorist.

Does that sound racist?

This rich, chestnut color
is natural? Ha!

Excuse me.

Whiskey, straight up.

I'll have a white rum
with a diet ginger ale
and a splash of lime.

I never would have pegged you

for a University of Tennessee
sorority girl.

You've got to pace yourself at
these things. We go all night.

That's good advice.

Unfortunately, I promised
Bill Frist the next slow dance.

I'm C.C.


Nice haircut.

here's your Nancy Drew.

For men,
it's called a Hardy Boy.

Hey, K.K.,
how's it hangin'?

Very low, sir.

Very low.

I lost something
real important.

Well, you know what I do
when I lose something?

I yell real loud
until I find it.

So, what is it
that you lost?


Pants! Pants! Pants!

Pants! Pants!
Pants! Pa...

How about the Sean Johns?
Are you chaffing again, Tray?

I don't think that's gonna help
me find Mr. Donaghy's pants.

Well, did you retrace
your steps?

Or go back
to the dry cleaners?

Yes, Obvious Twins.

And I tried looking in the last
place you'd ever expect,

and, no, Mr. Donaghy's pants
are not in the ladies' room

at that laser-tag place
on 12th Avenue.

It's no use.

I'm just gonna
have to replace them.

But where am I
ever gonna get $2,500?

Well, why don't you
just do like I do

and sell your autograph
at the car show?

What the world needs now?

Is love, sweet love?

It's the only thing?

That there's just
too little of?

What the world needs now?

What the what?!

Thank you
for an incredible night.

Did you have a good time?

'Cause I really did.

Unbelievably good.

And thank you for letting me
try that thing I tried.

I'm sorry I dropped you.

No, it was great.

Who knew that ottoman
had wheels, right?

Well, I got to get to work.

When can I see you again?

You name it.

Congressman Cunningham,

it is a pleasure
to have you on our program.

Hi, Dan,
thank you for having me.

Celeste Cunningham.


You didn't tell me
you're a congresswoman.

I just ended
my first year.

...but also on some of your...



Big business
is out to get us again.

The Sheinhardt Wig Company
has dumped thousands of gallons

of Auburn Fantasy Dye
Number 260

into the Chickatagua River,

turning the children
of Chickatagua orange.

And I will not rest
until this company

and all of its subsidiaries are
held financially responsible.

Why do you have this?

I run a Sheinhardt Wigs
subsidiary called NBC.

Oh, my God.

You're Jack Donaghy?

What were you even doing
at that party last night?

Oh, my God.
This was a mistake.

Forget about what I said. I can
never be seen with you again.

You're right.

We have to pretend
that this never happened.

I have to get out of here.

Damn it.

The worst part is...

I really liked you a lot.

I gave her the ottoman,
and she walked out.

Sir, I typed up that letter.

Hey, uh...

What do you need, Lemon?

I just, uh... It can wait.

Lemon, there's nothing
you could say to me

that you can't say
in front of Jonathan.

I think my Middle Eastern
neighbor is a terrorist,
and I don't know what to do.

That's ridiculous, Lemon.

Some of our greatest patriots

have been
of Middle Eastern descent,

and I am appalled
to hear you engage

in racial profiling
like that.

I'm kidding.
Be an American. Call it in.

This is the number
of a friend of mine

in a very high-level position
at Homeland Security.

Oh, no. Now I don't know.
Maybe I'm just being paranoid.

If a bleeding-heart liberal
like you has any suspicion...

I know. Right?

Nice ringtone, Jack.

That's not my ringtone.

I hate
that San Francisco sound.

How am I calling myself?

This isn't even my phone.

C. C: Jack?
C. C?

I think I have your phone.

Yeah, you must have grabbed it
by accident

after our
night of doing it.

Take the freight elevator
to the sixth floor,

and I'll be right down.

Are you all right?

Well, last night, I...

Never mind.

These Verizon Wireless phones
are just so popular,

I accidentally grabbed one
belonging to an acquaintance.

Well, sure, 'cause that
Verizon Wireless service

is just unbeatable.

If I saw
a phone like that on TV,

I would be like, "Where is
my nearest retailer so I can...

get one?"

Can we have our money now?

Come on, big money.


This ketchup expired
two years ago.

Dude, how much
would I have to pay you

to eat this whole bottle?




I got all the way
to Harlem when I heard
Wagner coming from my phone.


I'm working out of the Clinton
offices for a few weeks.

I'm helping Hillary retool

her universal
healthcare platform.

God, I want to kiss you
on the mouth

to stop you from saying
such ridiculous things.

Here's your phone.

Obviously, we can never
be seen together again.

I'm up for the Chairmanship,

and I don't
want to risk that.

They give you a helicopter,
you know.

What about me?

How can I look those little
orange children in the eye?

They have no other documented
health problems, you know.

They're orange!

This is why
I got into politics.

To stop big companies
from hurting the little guy.

What happened to you
that made you this way?

In 1998, I got shot in the face
by my neighbor's dog.

Oh, C.C., I'm so...

Wait, what?

My neighbor had
a Riverton hunting rifle

with a faulty trigger safety.

One day his Jack Russell terrier
started chewing the area.

The gun went off
and shot me in the face.


A terrier?

So, I did what was right.

I sued Riverton,
my neighbor, and the dog.

C.C., I'm so sorry.

Well, don't be.

After six
reconstructive surgeries,

I'm much better looking now
than I used to be.

Plus, they made
a Lifetime movie about me.

Tonight on Lifetime,

Candice Vandershark stars
as Celeste Cunningham in...

You know, I thought
you made love like an ugly girl.

So present, so grateful.

Who was that?!


Don't lie to me, Jack.

I've had plenty of women
mad at me the morning after.

Just don't let her light your
sneakers on fire in the bathtub.

She would never do that,

She's a very special woman.

So, then,
what's the problem?

Well, we're just
on opposite sides of a feud.

Oh, I get it.

Romeo and Juliet.

Capulets and Romulans.

I've been there.

I'm black.
She's white.

I'm black.
She's light-skin black.

I'm black.
She's 17.


If she's your soul mate,
you go for it.

I don't believe in soul mates.

I worked too hard
to get where I am to
sacrifice it for some woman.

I don't care
if she is beautiful, brilliant,

and she does it
like her dad's a minister.

Sir, that was impressive.

My feet are puffed up
real bad.

Dude, let us give you
the rest of the money
for Donaghy's pants.

No, Mr. Rossitano.

We Parcells are neither wealthy
nor circumcised,

but we are proud.

I have to earn that money.

All right,
I got a job for you.

Every night after dinner,

Lutz falls asleep on the couch
in our office...


Can I help you?

Pete. Pete.



Ready to go?

You guys are going out?


My buddy, Raheem, invited me
out with him to celebrate.

He just completed some big
project he's been working on.

Soon everyone will know
the name Raheem Haddad.

Hi, I'm not sure, but...

Who is he,
and where can we find him?

Hey, C.C.

We're having
a barbecue tonight.

You're welcome to come.

Maybe I will.

Get the gun away from the dog.

Hey, hon, have you seen
my hunting rifle?

Last time I saw it,
the dog had it.

What is wrong with you people?

I'm going to get into politics!

Got him!

Ape attack!

It's me... Kenneth!

Oh, God! Oh!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ape attack!

Ape attack!

Wake up!
It's Frank!

Are you okay?

that went too far.

I still need $700.

What's next?

You know that old lady
in Accounting

who thinks you're her husband
who died in the war?

What about her?

I do believe in destiny.

And I know that
I should hate you, but I can't.

I love you.

And I don't care
what people say.

We were meant to be
in each other's lives.

You're right, C.C.

Some dudes took Raheem
last night.


Sounds like an American hero saw
something and said something.

Elizabeth Lemon,
I can't believe you did that.

Raheem is a good guy.

You seem to be defending Raheem
an awful lot.

I'd hate to have to make
another phone call.

Oh, no, we're cool.

I renounce Raheem.

Raheem is a bad guy.

U.S.A. Number one!

Tracy, I need your help.

I've got to go somewhere
and I can't be seen and
cabs don't go there.

Where is it?

Clinton's office in Harlem.

I know
where that building is.

I get
my Jamaican meat pies there.

Finally, my Scalp Rx.

Oh, my God.

I am Raheem Haddad,

and this is
my brother Hakim.

And these are the reasons
you should choose us

to be
the next contestants on...

"The Amazing Race"!

Amazing what?


We love to travel.

Look at all the places
we have been.

Toronto, Munich, London,
the Hoover Dam, the Cleve.

Oh, boy.

We are in good shape
for the roadblocks and detours.

Oh, no, oh, no.

We love America!

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

I purchased a replacement pair

of Mr. Donaghy's pants.


You must love him
as much as I do.

C.C., look out the window
onto 125th street.

You shouldn't be here.

I know I shouldn't.
I can't help myself.
I want to be with you.

Tell her
that you want your privates

and her privates
to do a high five.

Okay, Tray, I got this.

Jack, we hardly
know each other.

This could be career suicide
for both of us, and you know it.

I don't care anymore.

I saw your movie. What you said
to that dog about soul mates.

I think
I might be that dog.

Tell her her butt looks
like an apple, and you
want to take a bite.

Buzz me in.

Tell her she got
some tig ol' bitties like

the Dallas Cowboy

Tell her you want her
to donate her body to
science, and you science!

Tell her, Jack!

I've been going crazy
these last few days,

thinking about
our night together.

How you wanted
to brush my hair as foreplay.

How you made me that
western omelette at 4:00 a.m.

I never met anyone
like you, Jack.

Be with me, C.C.

We'll ignore our differences
till the sex goes bad.

Then we'll walk away
bitter and angry.

Nobody can know
we're together,

not even your friend
Tracy Jordan out there.

I don't think you have to worry
about Tracy.

Stop eating people's
old french fries, pigeon.

Have some self-respect.
Don't you know you can fly?

I've never had
a secret affair before.

What do you say we go find
a spot and defile this place?


Hey, buddy!

Where you been all week?

They put electrodes
on my testicles, Liz.

Who did?

Oh, you remembered my name.

America's government
shocked my nuts.

No, I'm pretty sure

they're not allowed
to do that type of thing.

They say, "Raheem,
why you no shake hands?"

I said, "'Cause I don't want
sickness before 'Amazing Race."'

They say, "Raheem, why all
the trips to the airport?"

I say, "Because I'm practicing
for 'The Amazing Race'!"

And then, "Zzzzt! Zzzzt!"
In my underpanties.

Do you have any idea
who turned you in?


I am just so angry now.

I have so much anger inside.

I want to do something
spectacular with it!


I made waffles.

Thank God.