30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 2, Episode 5 - Greenzo - full transcript

Jack hires an actor to play the superhero "Greenzo," who is to promote environmental consciousness (and G.E. products). But what happens when Greenzo becomes drunk with power?

Oh, hey. I, uh...
I found your lipstick.


Oh, no,
this isn't mine.

This is Sunset Blush.
I wear Tiger Orgasm.

But it was
in my apartment.

I don't know why I told you
about the Pop-Tart.

But that's weird.

It's just me and Pete
at my place.

Oh, hello, ladies.

Pete's having
an affair.


The lipstick.
The spring in his step.

The sexy
Justin Timberlake hat.

No, no.
He's still married.

I don't know
what to tell you.

The only reason men
start taking care of themselves

is if they're getting someone
to have sex with them.

If it wasn't for that,
they'd just sit at home
in their own filth.

Hey, Liz.

We're out of string cheese,
so I think I'm gonna take off.

What sketch is that for?

It's not for a sketch.

It's part of
our new company-wide

global eco-initiative.

We're going green, Lemon.
And do you know why?

To save the Earth?

So we can drain the remainder
of its resources.

Don Geiss is a genius.

He's pitting all of
the divisions of the company

against each other to see
who can make the most money

from this
environmentalism trend.

And I am
going to win with...


Saving the Earth
while maintaining profitability.

That's right, Jared.

Greenzo is America's first

nonjudgmental business-friendly
environmental advocate.

The free market
will solve global warming...

if that even exists.

My boy.

Is that the first name
that came to your head?

Can you believe it?
I mean, it just popped
right in there.


You're gonna be great,

I'm just so excited
about this gig, sir.

I mean, what a...
what a sweet gig.

I've got a gig.

you're saying "gig" a lot.

Oh, it's just
I haven't worked in a while.

My last real job was an ad

for Rick Lazio's
New York Senate campaign.

Hillary Clinton wants
an all-homosexual army.

How will that affect
my family?

Well, thankfully,
those days are behind you.

Your billboard's going up
in Times Square,

you're releasing
an endangered falcon

during halftime
at the Knicks game,

and you're booked
on the "Today" show.

Oh, wow!
The "Today" show.

Oh, ma... Ah.

I just wish my mom
were still alive.

So I could rub it
in her fat face.


Uh, come with me.

He's having another party.


Hope you can make it.

See you there.

What's up, Lemon?

I'm hiding from Kenneth.

I don't want to get
roped into another one

of his terrible parties.

I'm always the only person
who shows up.

Werewolf bar mitzvah?

Happy Halloween, Baby!

Boys becoming men,
men be...?

How could no one go
to Ken's party?

He's such a great dude.

Will you come?

No. I can't.
I only go to A-list events.

Ugh. I'm gonna be stuck there
alone with him again.

Don't sweat it.
'Cause I'm gonna bail you out.

I'm gonna turn Ken's jam
into a major event.

Good luck with that.

See, all a hot party needs
is mystique.

A buzz.

See, people
are like lemmings...

Harvey Lemmings, my lawyer,
who never misses a party.

That's not a real person.
You made that up.

I just have to start
a little rumor.

And who are the biggest gossips
on "TGS"?

Grizz and Dot Com.
Grizz and Dot Com.

So, Greenzo, what else
can kids and parents do

to protect the environment?

Well, kids,
you can tell your parents

to buy a GE front-loading
washing machine to save water.

'Cause if the Earth's
not here,

where else
is Greenzo gonna dance?

Thanks for getting
the message out, Greenzo.

You're saving the world.

Did you hear what Meri said
about me saving the world?

Sorry, everybody.
That's Meredith Vieira.

The "Today" show wants to
give us a recurring segment now.

Lemon, I want you
to write them up.

I want the sketches to be punchy
and entertaining.

So don't treat it
like your show.

All right,
but only because I like Earth.

Jared, we'll send you
some stuff.

Oh, I'd like to sit in
and give notes,

make sure it's got
that Greenzo voice.

It's wry and wise, but...
but also very sexual.

Walk with me, Lemon.

Look how
Greenzo's testing.

They love him
in every demographic...

Colored people, broads,
fairies, Commies.

Gosh, we've got to update
these forms.

Yeah, well, Greenzo seems
to love himself, too.

So does Don Geiss.

He sent me a personal card
congratulating me.

With a real signature!

Wow, if he licked the envelope,
you could clone him,

and then you'd have
two Geisses.

Yeah. Right, Lemon.

I'm gonna clone Geiss,

then compete with a Geiss clone
for the CEO position?

Think it through.


Miss Lemon, Mr. Donaghy.

I am just
a simple pig farmer's son,

but I would be honored if you'd
come to a party at my home.

Ugh. Whatever. Fine.
I'll come.


Mr. D?
Uh, no.

I could make up some excuse,

but I have too much respect
for you.

During your party, I'll be home
listening to some Schubert

and, uh, ironically viewing
some Canadian pornography.

Hope you're ready to party
like it's 1999.

Which, according to my Bible,
will be in seven years.

What is that smell?

That is the body spray that came
with my new leather jacket.

Oh, my God.
Are you having an affair?

What? No!
Why would you say that?

Because you're acting
all happy and full of life.

Liz, you're crazy.

and you're married.

Remember, Pete?
Your beautiful wife, Paula.

And your sons,
Robert and Jack.

And that creepy little one

who's always rubbing himself
against the carpet.

Liz, I'm not cheating
on Paula.

You better not be.

Oh, great.
Now I smell like midlife crisis.

Here's a tip, Cerie.

Decide what you want before
you open the refrigerator.

You just released
enough hydrofluorocarbons

to kill a penguin.

This penguin.

You ever take off
that costume?

You ever take off yours?

Greenzo out!

Did he just talk to me
like I'm ugly?

Hey, fellas.

Heard a secret
about Kenneth's party.

Ken went to high school
in Georgia with the rapper T.I.

They're boys.

T.I. Might show up.

Listen, we can't let
anyone know.


Got it?

All right.

Yo, we got to tell Josh.

He'll finally think
we're cool.

Not really into T.I.

Uh... Fall Out Boy
will be there, too.

I love Fall Out Boy!

We know.

You're just trying to get me
to go 'cause you want a ride.

Dude, have you seen
the dancers on T.I.'s tour?

I hear they're gonna be
foxy boxing.

I'm telling you, Cerie,
it is gonna be awesome...

T.I., Fall Out Boy,
foxy boxing.

Sounds hot.

But I have
my four girl cousins

visiting from Holland
this week.

Do you think
you can get them in?

I will die a thousand deaths
before I fail you.

They get so drunk.


Get out of the way.

Hey, Cerie.
What's going on this weekend?

I mean, I know...
lots of dope stuff, of course.

I just wanted to make sure
that you knew about it.

Are bare feet in now or do you
just have your shoes off?

Well, Kenneth is having
this really, really big party.

Yes, that's right...
You heard me.

T.I. Is gonna be
at Kenneth's party!

You're my publicist.
Get me in!

Oh, also, could you try
to kill that story

about my mom
being homeless?

I love T.I.

Respect celebrity privacy.

Ken's house.
It's a party?

but don't tell anybody.
Why can't...

That was Geiss'
social secretary.
What did he say?

He was talking about
some epic party at Kenneth's.

He claims he needs an invite
for Mr. Geiss.

You're saying Geiss might be
at Kenneth's party?

Our Kenneth?

Why would he go to that?
What else do you know?

T.I. Is going to
be there.

Bob Logan from Texas Instruments
is gonna be there?

Logan must be in contention
for the CEO spot as well.

Sir, if there's any chance
that Mr. Geiss is going
to be at this party...

Duh! Thanks, Jonathan.
Think I should try to go?

I've got to find Kenneth.

Oh, hi.

I haven't had a chance to get
to that Greenzo stuff yet.

Hey, did you leave
your computer on all night?

Yeah, it just takes
a really long time
to reboot in the morning.


Hey, y-you know what else
takes a long time?

Building a new Earth.

Listen, Jared...

I'm working with you
as a favor.


You know what?
You people make me sick.

You act like you care,
but you do nothing.

Do you even bother
to compost your own feces?

Look, I got a lot of real work
that I have to do right now,

so I'm really not interested
in having some actor lecture me.

Are you saying actors
can't change the world?

I guess nobody bothered
to tell Sharon Stone.

Look, I always knew
I could make a difference.

And now I finally have
my platform.

So let's have
a little less yappity-yap

and a little more

All right. That's it.
I'm telling Jack.

This is not working.

What's in
that Styrofoam cup, huh?

The Earth's blood?

Give me that.

Ugh! You jag!

I just got this...
like eight years ago.

Good job.

Leave the lights on
for the invisible people.




You're cheating
with your wife?

Why didn't you tell me
about this?!

That's my fault.

I get off
on the sneaking around.

Who knew, right?

So how are your parents?

No. No, no.
We'll catch up later.

I just came
to get a clean sweater.

Oh, blurg!

Why is there a Pop-Tart
in the bed?

What do you do
with the Pop-Tart?!


Hey, did you hear about
Kenneth's insane party?

T.I.'s gonna be there.

I am surprised to hear that
because that is new information.

And he's gonna perform.

He is?

And Fall Out Boy
will be there, too.

And there's gonna be
foxy boxing.

Foxy boxing!
I love foxy boxing!

It combines
my two favorite things...

boxing and referees!

I got to get
into that party!

Get me Harvey Lemmings!

You dummy!

First of all, you didn't dial
that cellphone.

Second of all,
that is your own rumor.

People are gonna show up
expecting all this great stuff,

and they're gonna be
disappointed and angry.

Just like
Colonial Williamsburg.

You need to nip this
in the bud.

Tell Kenneth
what you've done

and cancel the party.

Kenneth, thanks for letting
my cousins come to your party.

Hey, Kenneth, you know how much
I like to joke around, right?

Not really,
Mr. Donaghy.

Well, before,
when I told you

I didn't want to come
to your party,

I was just kidding.

Isn't that
a fantastic joke?

I don't understand
what's happening.

Well, the point is,
is that I have good news.

I may be able
to stop by now.

Oh, Mr. Donaghy, you don't want
to go to my silly party.

Oh. So that's the way
you want to play this?

Whip 'em out?
Measure 'em?

as an executive vice president

at General Electric,

I'm ordering you to give me
one of those pink cupcakes.

Sir, I would love it
if you came to my party.

You would.

Everyone's coming!

You're just in time,

Greenzo's segment on the "Today"
show is about to begin.

Yeah, I didn't write anything
for that guy.

He has gone off the deep end.
You got to replace him.

Don't mess with success,

Viewers love Greenzo.
Geiss loves Greenzo.

We're not changing anything.

Hey, kids,
can you kids hold your breath?


Now do it forever.

'Cause the air
is going to be poisoned

unless we switch
to green technologies.

Sold by our company.
I love this guy.

You know, Greenzo,
I read that television sets

actually draw power
even when they're turned off.


Meredith just taught us a very
important lesson, kids...

It's rude
to interrupt people.

Can Greenzo get real here
for a second?

Did you know that there are
people out there

with the power to heal
Mother Gaia,

but they're paralyzed
by greed?

I'm talking about
big companies

and their two-faced,
fat-cat executives.


What is he doing?
Stay calm.

Did you kids know that we could
actually end global warming

in five years

if we just raised taxes
on the superrich by just 2%?

Is that true?

It doesn't matter
if it's true!

He works
for that money!

We've lost control
of Greenzo.

I knew we should have gone
with Angie Harmon.

Hey... Liz.


Look, obviously what happened
in your bed last night

was a violation.

So much hair.

She likes me natural.

Listen, I am glad
that you're back with Paula.

But when
are you moving out?

No, no.
Liz, I can't move out.

Look, Paula and I got married
our sophomore year.

She was pregnant 20 minutes
into the first date.

This is the first chance
we've had to just be a couple.

And our relationship
has never been better.

We did it
on your kitchen table.

I... shouldn't
have told you that.

Liz, please.

Please let me be your roommate
so I can date my wife.

I can't believe
I'm saying this.


Oh, Liz, you're the best!

Oh, hey, could you come home
early tonight?

Paula wants to
get caught again.

Got it.

You catch me on "Today," Jack?

Meri was
totally digging me.

Dude, have you hit that?

I'm a little concerned

that we're losing
our message here.

It's nonjudgmental

No, no, no, no.
We're way past that, Jack.

While you're out there
destroying the Earth,

I'll be saving it.

And history
will remember me.

When I die, they'll want to
put my face on money...

if there were money in the
future, instead of just hugs.

Okay, you listen to me,

You either get on board,

or you're gonna wake up
on that island

with Phil Donahue
and the electric car.

You understand me?
I made you what you are.

I've always been Greenzo.

You're crazy.

And you're fired.


Can you fire the wind,

Can you fire
a hurricane?

We're developing
that technology!

Hey, Liz, are you going
to Kenneth's party?

Is this party still on?
Oh, it better be.

The Harlem Globetrotters
are gonna be there.

The girl from "Heroes"
is gonna take a shower.

Oh, wow.

Now Jack is going to this party?
This is nuts!

You said
you were gonna shut it down.

I couldn't.
This means too much to Ken.

And when everyone shows up
and it sucks?

It's not going to.

This party's about to become
a Tracy Jordan joint.

And what does that entail?


I've called this meeting to
discuss what happened last night

at Kenneth's party.

You kiss me, Grizz!
Kiss me!

We all went in
with certain expectations.

The evening
took a nasty left turn.

Now we must face certain facts
in the cold light of day.

Y'all should be ashamed
of yourselves.

Mr. Lutz, you ate
all my parakeet's medication.

And thanks to you,

Sonny Crockett has been
having seizures all morning.

Mr. Hornberger,

I would thank you to come
pick up your wife at some point.

Mr. Jordan,
I saw you steal my sink.

Harlem Globetrotter.

Does that name mean nothing
to you?

And, Miss Lemon.

I will have you know

that before last night

I had never, ever
seen Grizz or Dot Com cry.

I'm sorry.

I you want all to think
about what you did.

Chances are?

'Cause I wear a silly grin?

The moment you come...?


You were all present

at Kenneth Parcell's
last party ever.

Mr. Donaghy?

Uh, they are
ready for you downstairs.

I'm gonna, uh...

need a moment.

What is this for?

The "Today" show is expecting
another green segment.

Don Geiss is expecting it.
It's gonna happen.

But you fired Jared.
So who's gonna...

Oh, my God.
That's Al Gore.

Is he gonna be
the new Greenzo?

Uh, not exactly.

I may have gotten him here
under false pretenses.

Hey, Jack.
Good to see you again.

Mr. Vice President.

Hi. How are you?

I'm Lemon.

So I'm excited to see this
trash-powered car of yours.

How do you two
even know each other?

We met when Jack was an intern
for Senator Ted Kennedy.

Let me tell you,
Jack was the most liberal guy...


Uh, the thing is,
is that the GE garbage car
isn't quite ready yet.

But while you're here,
what do you say you throw on

a pair of green tights
and a cape

and tell the kids
how big business

is good
for the environment?

I have no interest
in doing that.

Al, we're with you
on this whole planet thing.

I mean,
look at the set we built

with the smiley-face Earth
and some green things.

Jack, look,
we're way beyond that.

If your network really wants
to demonstrate a commitment

to the environment,

why don't you start by,
for example,

having an entire week

with nothing but environmental
themes on all the programs?

Use entertainment
for substance.

You could have
a character in prime time

making a passionate argument
to the American people

that we need CO2 taxes
to replace the payroll taxes.

Your parent company could lobby
Congress and the president

to pass the treaty
and save the climate!


Or you could put on
a silly hat

and tell kids how outsourcing
means cheaper toys at Christmas.

This is not working for me,

All right!
Let's do this!

Jared, what are
you doing here?


Al Gore?

What's up?

Jared, it's time
for you to go.

No, no!
The show must go on!

Back off, Jack,
or you'll be Greenzo'd!

You'll all be Greenzo'd!



I am so sorry,
Mr. Vice President.

This all started
when Jack...

A whale is in trouble.
I have to go!

Give it to me, Jared.
Let go of that globe, Jared!


Oh, boy.
Okay, this Earth is ruined.

We got to get a new one.