30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 2, Episode 4 - Rosemary's Baby - full transcript

Liz befriends a female comedy writer from the 1960s who was one of her idols, until she realizes how pathetic the woman's life is now. Meanwhile, Jack has to find a way to talk Tracy out of taking up dog fighting.

Attention, all.
Attention, all.

It is with great pleasure

I would like to announce
the recipient

of this year's prestigious
GE Followship Award

is none other
than our very own Liz Lemon.

Wait. How could Liz
win a fellowship award?

She doesn't like people.

No, followship, presented
annually to the woman...

sorry, person...
who best exemplifies a follower.

I'm not a follower.

It also comes with 10 grand.

I accept this proudly on behalf
of followers everywhere.

When I think
of the free-spirited Liz Lemon

I met just one year ago,

so resistant
to product integration,

and adverlingus,

it pleases me to see how well
she's learned to follow.

Ugh, is this because
of that GE sketch?

He has a microwave
for a head.

But it's such
an excellent GE microwave.

You said
I didn't have a choice.

What are you gonna do with your
money? Put it into a 401?

I got to get one of those.

What? Where do you invest
your money, Liz?

I have like 12 grand
in checking.

Are you an immigrant?

Miss Maroney, I can't believe
how fast you lost the weight.

If I can't be Mo'Nique fat,
I have to be Teri Hatcher thin.

Either way,
you're laughing.

Oh! Oh, no!

My uniform.

Let me get that off.

Turn around.

It just needs
a little bit of water.


Oh, God, it hurts!

You're honestly
telling me

you don't know
who Rosemary Howard is?

Is she one of the ladies
who tried to shoot Gerald Ford?

No! She's the first
female writer for "Laugh-ln."

She wrote all the political
stuff for "Donny and Marie."

I grew up idolizing
her comedy.

Pardon me.

Pardon me.

Pardon me.

Pardon you?

You were
already pardoned.

It's funny 'cause it's true.

Hi. I don't want to sound
like a weirdo fan,

but I am obsessed with
everything you have ever done.

And I used to make my friends
act out your skits the next day.

When I say my friends, I mean
my Fisher Price My Friend dolls

because I didn't have
a lot of friends.

Oh, boy.
Am I still talking?

You're gonna kill me,
aren't you?

No. That's...
That's great.

Oh, you are great.

I grew up
wanting to be you.

I grew up wanting to be
Samantha Stephens

on "Bewitched."

The closest I got

was being married to a gay guy
for two years.

Well, thank you.

You are my heroine.

And by heroine,
I mean lady hero.

I don't want to inject you
and listen to jazz.

Good Lord.

Are you hungry?


Well, I'm gonna let you
take me to lunch later

and get all this out
of your system.

That would be great.

I would love that.

But you're supposed to
take me hat shopping.

Hey, Jack.

Could you hold on
a second?

If you desecrate something,
is that bad?

what happened now?

I doubt
if anybody noticed.

Who brought stars
and bright stars?

To the party last night?

For the rascals we fought?

Who ever knew there were
so many words?

It was like a Mos Def CD.

Tracy, it's all right.

You're a star.
You can do whatever you want to.

That's your job.

It's our job
to make it go away.

I love this country.

You go forth
and be crazy.

I think
I can manage that.

You can do anything
you want to do,

except no dogfighting,

That seems to be the one thing
that's off-limits these days.

What's on your mind,

You've been curiously quiet
for 20 minutes.

We got to start
doing dogfights.


I know it's repulsive
and hideous.

But it's the only thing

Jack Donaghy told me
I cannot do.

So I got to do it.

No, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

is the most disgusting,

vile thing
a human being can do.

You cannot do it!

Dogfighting it is.

Make it happen.

Man, this is Phil Spector's
entourage all over again.

And his foot lingered.

Oh, that is such
an upsetting story.

Oh, I'll never watch
"Happy Days" the same way again.

But, you know,
I miss live TV.

It's... It's like sex,
you know?

It's almost better when
everything goes horribly wrong.

Well, you know, we do hire guest
writers every now and then.

I don't know if that's something
you would ever be interested in.

That'd be great.

God, I haven't been
in that building in so long.

Does everyone still do blow
in Joe Garagiola's office?

Which one is blow?
Is that cocaine?

Where's the head page?

You may enter.

You're a machine.

No. I wish.

This is a prop from the classic
NBC series "Super Computer."

1975 to 1975.

Look, you obviously know
who I am.

But what you don't know

is that I accidentally damaged
Kenneth Parcell's page jacket.


Mr. Perfect,
Mr. Jesus-Loves-Me Parcell

finally messed up?

Do you know how long
I've been waiting

to transfer that thumb-head
to CNBC in Paramus, New Jersey?

But you can't transfer someone
without a demerit.

But now...
Oh, boy.

Here's what we're
gonna do.

You've probably
never seen breasts before,

so I'm gonna lean over
this desk,

and you're gonna give me
a new page jacket.

Please, I breast-fed
till I was 11,

so I've forgotten more
about a woman's chest

than you'll ever know.

But I'm on TV.

I said good day.

No, you didn't.

Well, I meant to.

Kenneth Parcell
is finished.


All right, what's in the news
this week, everybody?

Any ideas?

I have an idea.

We open on
a New Orleans abortion clinic.

A beautiful mulatto...

I don't think we're allowed
to use any of those words.

Why not?
It's live television.

I mean, we used to say

No, you didn't.

Did you?
We did.
We pushed the envelope.

Remember the mailbox sketch
that shocked America?

There's nothing wrong here.

Don't you get it?
The mailbox was Haldeman.

Is... Is that a person
who lived?

What about race?

I mean, I say that
is the last taboo.

We get Josh
in blackface, right?

And then we get Tracy
to call him a

I'd watch that.
- No, no, no.

Uh, you can't do race stuff
on TV.

It's too sensitive.

We would have done that
on "The Mandrell Sisters."

I-I want the show
to be edgy, too.

I mean, but my boss,
Jack Donaghy...

Let me talk to him.
I am great with suits.

No, no, no.
We... We don't talk to him.

We don't do that.

You're not a cog
in their machine.

I know.

I'm not some... follower.

I just... We are very subversive
on this show.

Frank, what do you have
this week?

Barry the Humping Dog

is shopping for a GE washer
and dryer.

I have not
seen that before.

Yo, I got the dogs

Well, bring them in.

I feel sick to my stomach
about dogfighting,

but what can you do
when they tell you not to?

This could get ugly.



You idiots!

I built a dogfighting pit
in my basement for this?

Tracy, can I speak with you

Tray, what's the one thing
I asked you not to do?

That "227" movie,
"New Jackée City"?


What is it
about your wiring

that compels you to do exactly
what you're asked not to?

I don't know.
I've always been this way.

Tracy, don't play with matches.

You're not my dad!

Tracy, don't stare directly at
the sun. It'll make you crazy.

You're not my dad!

Tracy, you're not going out
of the house dressed like that!

You're not my dad!

I'm beginning to think this has
something to do with your dad.

You're not my dad!

You can't tell me
what it's about!

Hey, props gave me a bunch of
dog penises for you to look at.

Oh, great.

Liz, your grandmother
is in Jack's office.

You better do something.
Nana Lemon?
That's weird.

Oh. Oh, no.


Lemon, Rosemary here
was just telling me

some of her
fantastic sketch ideas.

Liz, he totally gets it.

He understands
that what we do

is far more important
than what they do.

I do.
I really do get it.

thank you so very much.

My pleasure.
What a pleasure.

What fun
catching up with you.

You too.

You take care, now.
You too.

Fire her.

And don't ever make me talk
to a woman that old again.

I can't fire Rosemary.

Yes, you can.
It's easy.


you're fired.

What?! No!
Oh, God, no!

No. I won't fire her.
It's mean.

And I like her.

And she's right... We should
be pushing the envelope.

Oh, God.
"Push the envelope."

You know who uses
that phrase?

People who don't have the guts
or the brains

to work
inside the system...

letter writers, radicals,
Howard Dean.

You just don't get her.

You're like
the talking mailbox.

I'm going to assume that's
a Haldeman reference,

in which case,
I thank you.

I got into this business
to be like Rosemary,

to make people think.

No, no, no, Lemon.

You got into this business
because you're funny

and you're weird
and you're socially retarded.

And you also got into it
because it pays well,

which means you are not
like Rosemary.

You are like me.

No, I'm not.
You are a suit.

You feed off the creativity
and hard work of other people

and turn it into commercials and
pie charts and triangle graphs!

What's a triangle graph?

I don't know.
It sounded real.

This is my show.

No, this is my show,

and once a week, I rent it out
to the good people

at the erectile-dysfunction

Be that as it may,
Rosemary is my idol.

And if you want to get rid of
her, then you will fire me also.

I'm gonna have to kill myself.
Suck it up, nerd.

Oh, my God, Rosemary.

That was such a rush,
standing up to Jack like that.

And I never would have done it
if it weren't for you.

I am so proud of you.

He heard you roar,

and now things are gonna change
around here.

Jack says
you're both fired.


Hey, Tray.

What you doing?

Just some heavy thinking.

This spotlight is the only place
that I can go

to get away from it all.

You know, Tray,
I get this dad thing.

I mean,
my father belongs

in the Smiling Irish Bastard
Hall of Fame,

and the pent-up, unresolved
anger I have toward him,

it still overwhelms me.

You've got to learn
to forgive.

How do I forgive someone
that I don't know?

Boy, if I could just talk
to him once, just once.

Tracy, we're gonna
do this together.

You've got to
get into therapy.

I don't need therapy.
I'm just mentally ill.

Tracy, what if I told you that
the one thing you cannot do

is therapy?

You're not my dad!

We're doing therapy!

All right, thank you.


I may have
made a mistake.

I was talking to Donnie.

Head page Donnie Lawson?
The King of Sting?

What did you do?

I was just trying
to make things right.

Nice jacket, Parcell.

I hope that it and you
will be very unhappy

for the next year.

Of course,
there is one other choice.

A page-off!

A page-off?
What's that?

It's a savage contest

mixing physical stamina
with NBC trivia.

"What's a page-off?"

Your monkey's
pretty stupid.

You want a page-off,
you got it, freak!

Winner take all!

I don't know what corporate
mind games he's playing,

but if Jack thinks
I'm crawling back there...

Oh, screw him!

Now that you're free, we can
work on something together.

Yeah! We can start our own
network called Bitch TV.

Or the second idea
that we think of.

Look, when we get back
to my place,

we'll start banging out
some ideas.

Welcome to the first day
of the rest of your life.

What neighborhood
is this?

They call it
Little Chechnya.

It's so gritty and real.

More murders per capita
than Detroit.

Try not to write
when you're living here.

Is that guy
carrying a gun?

Yeah, but don't worry.
He's not a cop.


Um, hey, Tracy,

this is Suzanne Hocker,
the NBC therapist.

Who's crazier?
Me or Ann Curry?

Hello, Tracy.

Jack informed me of the talk
you had earlier,

and if you don't mind,

I'd like to hop right in
and start with some role play.

Like my wife and I do?

Cool. You be the maid.
I want you to scream.

you play the matador.

Uh, no, Tracy,
what I want you to do

is talk
to that empty chair

as if your father
were sitting there, okay?

This is stupid.

Come on, Tracy.
We're here to help you.

Uh, Tracy, maybe it will help
if Jack sits in the chair

and pretends
to be your father.

I want to talk
to you, son.

You sound nothing
like my dad.

Well, where's he from?

All I know is he's
from funky North Philly.

He worked in
a Campbell's Soup factory,

and he had a droopy lip
due to an unattended root canal.

I think I can do this.


I'm mad at you, Dad.

Hey, dummy, I'm mad at you, too.

Why you got to act out
that way?

Uh, that's not exactly
what I...

'Cause you left me, Dad.

I was young and confused,

and your moms
didn't want me around no more.

Now, pass me
them damn collared greens.

Is that true, Mom?

He gambled
away my welfare check.

Woman, I got a mind

to smack you
upside the head!

Uh, this is not helpful.

Be me now.

I only act
out because I want your love.


I think we're just doing
"Good Times" now.

Now do the white dude
that my moms left my dad for.

Now, see here, Tracy,

it's impolite
to slurp one's soup.

Whoa, no need to resort
to ugly stereotypes.

You're always gonna be my son.

Just because
I stopped loving your dad

doesn't mean
we stopped loving you.

Stop putting
words in my mouth, woman!

Oye, papi.
Càllate. People are sleeping!

Mind your
own business, Mrs. Rodriguez!

All right,
this is ridiculous.

Lady, just because
I'm an ignorant black man

and you paid me a nickel
to bust up your chifforobe

doesn't give you the right
to call me ridiculous

just 'cause I'm proud
of my son.

They got me!

The honkies shot me!

No, Dad!

Don't die!

I love you, Dad!

I don't want to dogfight
no more!

Tracy, that's it! That's it!

Thank you for showing me
there really is love

in my family after all.

And I need to stay
the hell away from them.

Donaghy, you're the only family
I need, Jackie D.

You got that right,

You know, it's too bad
you didn't know Howard Cosell

when you were growing up, 'cause
I had that one in my pocket.

There we are.

Oh, crap-balls!
What was that?

Okay, let's find a pen

and start
that screenplay.

This movie is gonna knock them
on their asses.

Uh, what's it about?

Women in their 50s
join the Army

and get laid by a bunch
of grateful 18-year-olds.

Oh, God.

Yeah. Exactly.

I predict opening weekend,
a million dollars.

Have you been drinking wine
all day?

Oh, it's heart healthy.

All day?

Oh, come on, Liz.
It's the '90s!

Did an "F" train
just go by your window?

I know that look.

Don't even think about jumping
for that train.

I think I should... I should
go home before it gets dark.

You can't abandon me, Liz.

You are me!
No, I'm not you.

Really? You pick up guys
that are smart and funny,

and they leave you
for someone less complicated.

You're never gonna
get married, Liz.

You're married
to your job.

Oh, my God,
I lost my job.

You're just like me.

You get up in the morning
and smoke weed.

No, I don't!

You obsess about the Jamaican
man across the hall.

Oh, my God,
I lost my job.

You wouldn't have a job
if it wasn't for me.

I broke barriers
for you.

I really have to go.

I sat around while my junk
went bad, all for you.

I didn't have any kids.

You're my kid!

You're my kid
that never calls!


Help me, Liz Lemon!

You're my only hope!

Okay, Which NBC series spun off,
among others,

"Cosby," "Miami Vice," "Cheers,"
and "Highway to Heaven"?

"Super Computer."

Oh, you're gonna do great.


Come on, Kenneth.
You can do it.


What the hell is going on
down here?

The phones are ringing
off the hook.

There's no one seating
the "Conan" audience.

Get back to work,
you morons!

Pete, wait.
You don't understand.

I ruined Kenneth's jacket,
and he needs to get a new one

but can't have any demerits,
so we had to have a page-off.

What? Are you kidding me?

This is
a billion-dollar company.


Donnie, give Kenneth
a damn jacket!

This isn't over between us,

You're in it now!

Well, it's finally over,
Ms. Maroney.


And it's hard to even remember
how it all began.

You burnt my jacket.

All right, I need my job back,
but this is not crawling.

This is proud begging,

like those kids that dance
on the subway.

Of course you can have
your job back, Lemon.

Oh, thank God.
It was terrible.

I went to her apartment.
I don't think she has a toilet.

I saw my future, Jack.

Never go with a hippie
to a second location.

I can't end up like that.

I have got to make money
and save it.

And I have to do that thing
that rich people do

where they turn money
into more money.

Can you teach me
how to do that?

With my eyes closed.

Oh. Good, because I want to send
Rosemary $400 a month for...


You should.
That woman is unemployable.

Rosemary says that women become
obsolete in this business

when there's no one left
that wants to see them naked.

You make enough money, you can
pay people to look at you naked.

To the future, Lemon.

Oh, and, by the way,

GE has a problem
with the dog-penis sketch.

I'll change it.

Hey, what about
cat penises?