30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 2, Episode 3 - The Collection - full transcript

Jack is in the running for the G.E. chairmanship and hires a private eye to dig up any dirty secrets. The P.I. exposes Jack's enormous cookie jar collection (he was collector of the year ...

One day, sir,
this whole city will be yours.

Oh, hey, can I talk to you?

You always ruin everything.

I have to apologize for him.

He's been a bit tense

since we found that I'm up
for the GE chairmanship.

Yeah, that's why I'm here.

I got a call
from some lawyer today

who was asking me
what kind of boss you are

and how long I've known you

and what animal
best describes you.

What did you say?

An eagle
with the head of a bear.

Thank you. Your respect
means the world to me, Lemon.

I can't believe
it's starting already.

What is?

GE is vetting me.

They're trying to see if I have
any skeletons in my closet.

It's what they do with
all the presidential candidates.

Do you think
they'll find anything?

Oh, yeah.

I've done some things, Lemon.

That's why I hired
a private investigator

to look
into my own background.

He'll spot any red flags
before GE does,

and that way I should be able
to stay ahead of this.

Wait. You hired someone
to investigate yourself.

That's weird.

Well, you do the same thing

with your therapist every week,
don't you?

I had an amazing breakthrough
with my therapist this week.

I was talking about...
Ring, ring!

...that dream that I have
all the time...


I'm sorry.
I have to take this.


Well, she's right here.
Fake phone.

She'll be right down.

What else is going on?

What's going on in here?
You're on time for work.

The woman in your dressing room
is your wife.

Sorry, Angie.

I let Tracy back in my life
on two conditions.

One... this.

That is ghetto fabulous!

This belonged
to Brooke Astor.

It's very nice.

And the other condition...
I'm with him all the time.

All he gets to do is work, eat,
love on me, and sleep.

Isn't that right, baby?

I'm whipped!

Angie got me up
at 7:30 today.

Did you know in the morning
they have food, TV,

almost everything?

It's pretty good.
I did know that.


Liz, I need your help.
I can't do this alone.

Tracy's like a horny child.

He needs
constant adult supervision.

Will you help me out
when I'm not here?

If it keeps him like this,

Will you be able to do that
without falling in love?

Also yes.

I think
this is gonna be great, Angie.

I think you and me
are gonna make a great team.

Oh, you looking
for a sassy black friend?

Oh, no, I didn't...
Well, you got one now,

Go on!

Miss Maroney,
here's today's fan mail.

Are there any from prisons?

Are there?



Putting on this weight

is the best thing
that ever happened to me.

People actually like me now.

There she is.
There's my star.

And to think I wanted you
to lose this weight.

It sounds so crazy now.

I know.

Oh, and I saw your Enorme
commercial. It's fabulous.

What's Enorme?

It's the number-one fragrance
for plus-sized women.




Make him chase the chunk.

Available exclusively
at your local drug store.

Do not use if menstruating.

Can't plus-sized women
wear regular perfume?

Jenna, your career
is really taking off now.

And on a personal level, I just
like you more when you're fat.

Oh, thank you.

It's all happening!

let's shoot these promos.

Can I get some makeup
for Tracy, please?

Hi, sweetheart.
How are you?


Oh, hell, no!

Actually, he looks great.
Thank you.

You Lenny Wosniak?

Thanks for meeting me here.

Yeah, I get it.


I wouldn't want to talk
about this in my office anyway.


Also, my gym
is right over there.

So, uh...
how does this work?

It's pretty simple, really.

I'm gonna go through your life
with a fine-tooth comb.

The more information I have,
the easier this is gonna be.

Now, have you ever
been arrested?

I have.

The 1976 Democratic
National Convention.

But it's okay.
I was there beating up hippies.

And what about your family?
Any skeletons there?

My brother Eddie sells
faulty sprinkler systems

to elementary schools.

My cousin Tim
fixes NBA games.

My mother
is an Olympic-level racist.

But as for the rest, they're too
drunk to do much of anything.

Unless getting thrown out
of a Chili's is a crime.

Any weird sex stuff
I should know about?

You know what?
Don't tell me.

I like to find that out
on my own.

I'm a watcher.

Okay, I'll get started on my end
of the process.

Is there anything else
you want to tell me now?


That's pretty much it.

That's what they all say,
Mr. Donaghy.

I'll be in touch.

Mm, one more thing.

If I sign a friend up at my gym,
I get a free hat, so...

Think about it.

I'm losing weight.

Look at my belt.

This is the notch
I had to make last week.

This is the notch
I'm using now.

I'm back to
the factory-made notches.

Jenna, calm down.

No, I won't calm down.
This can't be happening.

Everything is based
on the fat.

the offer to play Ms. PAC-MAN

in the live-action
Atari movie!


And worst of all,
Jack won't like me anymore.

We have a secret ritual now
where we slap our palms together

when we walk by each other.

A high five.

It was our special thing.

Hey, Liz Lemon.

I've been reading
the newspaper

to come up with some ideas
for some topical sketches.

So, this week,
can we do "Business Section"?

Tracy, I love it
that you're trying to help.

Everything is great!

Thanks to Angie.

Where is my lovely wife?

She had to step out.
She had a hair appointment.

I'm going
to a strip club now.

What? No.
I can't let you do that.

I'm sorry, Liz.
This is who I am.

You can't ask a bird
not to fly.

You can't ask a fish
not to swim,

You can't ask a tiger

not to turn back
into a Chinese dude at midnight.

Angie is gonna kill us.

I feel bad about
doing this to you, Liz Lemon.

I really do.

And the only way
I can feel better about myself

is to get booby-slapped
by a coked-out Russian stripper.

I'm out.


Is there something
we need to discuss?

No, Jack.
Everything's great.


it's come to my attention

that you no longer
have an eating problem.

That's ridiculous.
Is it?

You're not breathing heavily,
your skin is cleared up.

I even find you
slightly attractive right now.

Don't say that, Jack.

Come on.
"Me want food," right?

Do you want food, Jenna?

Do you?

I don't know anymore.

I have no appetite.

It's okay.

Kenneth here is gonna be
with you 24-7 to keep you fat.

Keep Jenna fat.
Keep Jenna funny.

Right, Kenneth?

Lt'll be just like back home
on the pig farm.

I'll fatten you up,
grow to love you,

and then my uncles
will slit your throat.

What have you got
for me, Len?

Well, Mr. Donaghy,
you're pretty clean.

And your sex life
checks out real nice.

Thank you.

There are a couple things,

that could get in the way
of this promotion.

Like you should probably
give up your membership

to the all-white
Woodvale Country Club.

That is not
an all-white club.

What about Johnny Carlos?
He's ethnic.

He's the king of Spain, Jack.
I don't think that counts.

All right.
I'll resign.

Okay, you also have an
undocumented domestic employee.

No, I need Manuelo.

I could never pay
an English-speaking
person that little.

They'd starve.

All right,
I'll send him home.

Well, that's it.

Unless you think
I missed something.

No, I think
you've been very thorough.

It's been a pleasure
doing business with you.

Oh, Jack.

One last thing.

You don't have

a massive collection
of cookie jars, do you?

How did you find out
about that?

Collector of the Year.

Victor Nightingale.

Thank you.
Yes, I'm Victor Nightingale.

This is bad.

CEOs don't have
thousands of cookie jars.

Weird little guys
in bow ties do.

You hear
what I'm getting at?

You saying it's a gay thing?

You wish it was a gay thing.

This is worse.
You got to get rid of them.

I'm not doing that.

I've already made enough
sacrifices for this company.

They're not gonna get this.

This is Rudolph Giuliani
in 1987

with his collection
of antique wooden dolls.

That's a fake.

doesn't collect dolls.

Yeah, you're right.
He doesn't.

Because he incinerated them

in 1989,
the year he ran for mayor.

He looks so happy.

Aw, Jack,
the choice is yours.

You can either be the head

of the largest corporation
in America

or get buried in a bow tie
with a bunch of cookie jars.

Liz Lemon,
where's Tracy?

He, uh, went to the vet.

His cobra got sick.


Hey, everybody.

I'm back from doing
whatever Liz Lemon said.

And what was that, exactly?

My cobra, Ramses.

He got sick.
So I took him to the vet.

Then my thumb got caught
in my butt

so I nodded my head
until it came out.

Come here, you.

You smell like Enorme
and brass polish.

You were at a strip club.

It was all Liz Lemon's fault.
The whole plan was hers.

Aw, come on, man!

Tracy Jordan,
you are in for a world of hurt.

But you're worse.

I trusted you.

You wear glasses.

Your access to Tracy Jordan
is cut off.

You can't cut me off.
This is my show.

Not anymore.

goes through me now.

Goodbye forever,
Liz Lemon.

Thank you for being
my secretary!

Normally, I would tell Tracy
our sketch ideas.


In the opening sketch this week,
Tracy is a bank robber...


I don't want to perpetuate
any black stereotypes.


Okay, well, in this one,

Tracy plays a gentleman
who wears flamboyant clothes

and lives uptown.

He's a pimp.
He's an entrepreneur.

What's the character's name?

Slickback Lamar.

He's also playing
Barack Obama.

We support Kucinich.

Listen, Angie,

I'm sorry I lied, but you
got to give me another chance.

Excuse me.

Did you just try to control
my body with your white hand?

Don't make me contact
Reverend Sharpton.

I can't deal with you.

I want new writers for Tracy,
or he doesn't do the show.

Grizz, Dot Com,
start coming up with ideas.

We open on a lone soldier
walking through the desert.

The year... 1861.

The place?


This stuff will make you
real fat, Miss Maroney.

It made my Dad's heart
just up and give out.

And that's what made
my Mom's friend Ron move in.



Coming in for a landing.

There's turbulence.

And now an Indian guy
got up to use the bathroom,

and an air marshal shot him.


No. No, I can't.

Boy, I wish I had
some pig sedative right now.

Goodbye, cookie jars.

Thank you
for taking care of this for me.

No problem, Mr. Donaghy.

This is for the best.

No more secrets.
Nothing standing in my way now.

But just out of curiosity,

what exactly are you going to do
with all of these?

They'll be taken to Jersey City
and incinerated.

No, no, no, no.

I can't have that.
Give that to me.

It's your funeral, Donaghy.

I can't destroy them.

I'll give them to someone.
A fellow ceramiphile.

You're like John Kerry
with his windsurfing.

I warned him, too.

How'd it go with Angie?

Terrible. She hates me.
She's hijacking the show.

I got to talk to Jack.

You want a scary black lady
to be nice to you,

tell her you like her nails.

Always works for me
at the bank.

Miss Lemon,
may I speak with you?

Can you walk and talk?

Usually, but now you got me
thinking about it.

Jenna with problem I have.

There it is.

I'm supposed to be helping
Miss Maroney stay fat,

but it's not working.

How do I get her to eat?

Well, a lot of women overeat

because they feel bad
about themselves.

Maybe that's the problem.

Everything's going so well
for Miss Maroney right now.

Yeah, so be mean to her.

Women with low self-esteem take
refuge in either food or sex.

Not me, of course.

Hi. I just wanted to meet you,
Mr. Mason. I'm a really big fan.

Who picked out your outfit?
Stevie Wonder?

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Nice man!

So you got to be mean,

I guess I could wait for her
to drop something

and then say,
"Smooth move, ex-lax."

That's what
my mom's friend Ron would do.

Oh, brother.

All right,
Jenna really wants this, huh?

Her career depends on it.
Please help.

Okay, do you have something
to write on?

Oh, I got one.

Sir, someone else called about
purchasing your collection.

A Mr. Gary Heingarten?

Jonathan, he lives in Albany.

The temperature fluctuations
alone would...

These things expand
and contract.

They're alive, Jonathan.

Hey, do you have a minute?

Tracy's wife is...

What's with the cookie jar?

I collect them.

Really? Is that some sort of
unresolved childhood thing?

Nice try.

We never had any cookie jars
in my home

because our mother
never baked us any cookies

'cause she never felt
we deserved any cookies.

So, obviously, it has nothing
to do with my childhood.

But that cookie jar
says "Mom" on it.

Uh, I don't think so.

I've always viewed it
as an upside-down "Wow."

But it doesn't matter now
because I have to, um...

...get rid of them all.


Because the guy
with the weird hobby

never gets
the corner office.

Lemon, what is going on
on your stage right now?

Oh. This is what I came
to talk to you about.

Tracy's wife
is out of control.

Did you tell her
you like her fingernails?


But I thought that we could
give her a consultant credit.

It's meaningless,
but it might calm her down.

Lemon, I'm impressed.

You're beginning to think
like a businessman.
A businesswoman.

I don't think that's a word.

what you've gotten yourself into

is not a business situation,
but a family conflict.

So it's tricky.

So what do I do
about Angie?

I think you're
gonna have to fight her.


You throw her out, she'll
probably punch you in the face.

Then we eject her
from the building,

and we bar her for life.

I think Angie's right-handed,

so you have to
work her clockwise.

You've already
thought about fighting her?

Every time I meet a
person, I figure how
I'm gonna fight them.

You have a gimpy left knee,

I'm not gonna fight anybody.

I'm gonna give her the title,
and she'll back off.

Lemon, you're gonna get hit
in the face,

and it's gonna hurt
like hell.

You want to lean in
to take away their momentum.

Hands up.
Come on.

I don't want to.
Lean in. Come on.

Oh, God.
Stop it!

Hello, Jenna.

Still failing at overeating

just like you fail
at everything in your life?

You quitter.

You gonna quit this
like you quit fashion school?

Give up like you gave up

on your relationship
with David Blaine?

He's the one
who drove the wedge...

with his magic.

Also, you've got
so many daddy issues,

the only thing keeping you
from being a stripper

is your weird mole.


That's very hurtful.

You lied about
your brother drowning

so people would come
to your one-woman show.

Kenneth, I've never heard you
talk this way.

Your toes
look like dried-up shrimps.


Oh, daddy.

Go on.
Keep talking.

What else
don't you like about me?

Can I help you?


Angie, I know you and I
got off on the wrong foot here,

but I want you to know

that I appreciate
your contribution to the show,

and so I want to offer you
a consultant credit.

I don't want
that crap title.

You think you're gonna
buy me off so I'll play nice?

It's never gonna happen.


I'm ordering you to leave.

Excuse me?

Get your stuff and get out.
Don't make me say it again.

No, Liz Lemon,
don't do it.

Are you steppin' up on me?

So what if I am?
Also, your nails look tacky.

Oh, wait a minute!

Enough, damn it!

Do I have to fix
this situation?

I am the immature one.

But the both of you,

you're forcing me
to act like an adult.

An adult!

And even worse,

you're making me stop two ladies
from going at it.

But I don't care.

'Cause I'm putting
my foot down.

You're putting your foot down
with me?


Baby, you got to go.

You're controlling,

you're manipulative,
you're loud...

Tracy, I've never heard you
talk like that before.

Hey, let me
get this shirt off.

Get it off.

Okay, so,
just to be clear,

does this mean
Angie is leaving or...

Oh, no!
You guys start with that?!

That... wow!

That is...

Mr. Donaghy?
I've got some bad news.

I wasn't able to get
Miss Maroney to eat.

I'm so sorry.

What happened?

Well, It turns out
she's the wrong kind of crazy,

and I guess
we have to get married now.

Apology accepted, Kenneth.

I suppose we're both having
a pretty bad day.


Look at that
kooky old cookie jar.

I like the upside-down "Wow"
on it.

You like cookie jars,

Well, I guess I've never
thought about it that much.

We had a nice one
back home in Georgia.

Had a bear on it.

I remember when my Mom's friend
Ron would come over.

They'd go into the bedroom
to sort out their paperwork,

and I'd just go ahead
and stare at that cookie jar.

It was almost as if I took
every problem that I ever had

and I put it
inside that cookie jar.

And I sealed it up so tight,

that nothing would never,
ever, ever get out.

So, I guess
to answer your question,

I'd give cookie jars
about a "B."

Some people
have so many problems

that there aren't enough
cookie jars in the world

to contain them.

that just makes me sad.

Kenneth, I have
a cookie-jar collection.

Would you like to have it?

Of course, sir!
I'd love to!

Always hold them squarely
at the base, never by the lid.

And should you ever go
to the convention in Sarasota,

please tell Patty
and Beth and all of them

that Vic Nightingale
says hello.

Okay, sir.

Are you happy now,
you son of a bitch?

You son of a bitch.







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