30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 1, Episode 9 - The Baby Show - full transcript

Tracy wants Josh to be fired, because he doesn't like Josh's impression of him. Liz tells Josh to stop making the impression, but he doesn't. Cerie is engaged to a guy whom she only has ...

Well, I don't know
why they need you in the studio.

Surprise! Surprise!
Surprise! Surprise!

Oh, my God.
Is this for me?

I can't believe you made
all this fuss over my birthday.

It's so incredibly

Let me give something
back to you guys.

ß I believe the children
are our are future ß

ß Teach them well
and let them lead the way ß

Hey, guess what, everyone.
I'm engaged.

Oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh!


Hey, this isn't gonna change
the way you dress

or eat lollipops, is it?


Oh, then congratulations.

Thank you.

This is for you, Cerie.

ß I believe the children
are our future ß

ß Teach them well
and let them lead the way ß

ß Show them... ß
ß All the beauty
they possess in... ß

Everyone, guess what!

There's an antique-car show
out in the plaza!

Okay, I...

How long is Jack gonna be?

He's still on the phone.

Area code 407?

Oh, no.
When did this happen?

Is that bad?

It's fine.
It is gonna be just fine.


Jonathan! These cheap phones
keep on shattering!

You can go in now.


Who let 407 through?

Jonathan, we have drills
for this!

Liz distracted me.

No, I didn't.

What's going on?
Business got you down?

Business doesn't get me down.
Business gets me off.

Now, what is your urgent problem
this time?

Well, uh, the writers and I
wanted to get "TGS" jackets.

But the guy in accounting says
we can't have the jackets,

but "Dateline" has jackets.


Is this what you're
talking about now?


Do you realize
that your little show

accounts for 3% of our revenue
but takes up 90% of my time?


Now, would you do me
a kindness, please,

and handle your problems

and stop bothering me?

Is that too much to ask?

Forget it.

I won't bother you
about anything anymore.

Wow. He's a little bit
of a stress eater, huh?

He puts up with so much.

All right.

Jenna to the stage, please,
for "Jazz Police."

Liz, you should have
seen this guy

at the club last night.

at this party is a Jedi.

We must get our freak on
while our fruit is plentiful.

Oh, no.

Oh, sounds like another great
party I wasn't invited to.

Thank you for
the funnest night of my life.

Love you, man.

I love you, too,
J. Bird.

Yo, I don't like
that dude.

It's disrespectful
when he imitates me.

I want him fired.

Aw, come on.
It's a goof.

How would you like it if I did
an impression of you, Liz Lemon?

Hi! I'm Liz Lemon!

I like to wear man shirts.

Watch me skateboard.

I don't skateboard.

Hurts, doesn't it?

I'm not firing Josh.

You always take
his side.

Tracy, stop Tasering him.

See, I need to be respected,
Liz Lemon.

But what do you know
about respect?

Please, Tracy,
just let it go.

Well, if you won't do
anything about it,

I'll just go over your head
to Donaghy.

No. No. Do not do that.
Don't bother him.

All right.
I'll talk to Josh.

Hey, Cerie,
what are you doing?

Oh, I let them do my makeup

They say it's fun for them.

She's like a Barbie.

Oh, sorry.
My babysitter got jury duty.

I think I'm going to kill

So, Cerie, how long
have you known this guy

that you're marrying?

lt'll be two months
in three weeks.

You would love him, Liz.
He's so funny.

He does this thing where
he screams at limo drivers.


It just kind of seems like

you're rushing into it
a little bit.
I guess.

But we both want to have babies
while it's still cool.

I already have all the names
picked out.

If it's a girl, Bookcase.
Or Sandstorm.

Or maybe Hat.
But that's more of a boy's name.

I was gonna say.

It's just
you're so young, Cerie.

There's no big hurry
to have babies.

I mean, there are
other things in life,

like having a career
and working

and having a job...
and working.

You can have a career
at any time.

But you only have
a really short period

where you can be a young,
hot mom.

If you wait too long,

you could be like 50
at your kid's graduation.

50 is not that old, Cerie.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Are you 50 now?

Paul Newman
or Robert Redford?

I've told you
a thousand times.

Newman because I enjoy his
salad dressings and lemonade.

Me too.

Okay. Uh, Brad Pitt
or George Clooney?

Do you think
I'd be a good mother?


Something's kicking in,
and the last few months,

I've just started wondering
if I'm ever gonna have a baby.

I'm so many steps away
from being able to do it,

and I panic
that maybe I waited too long.

I mean,
what if my junk goes bad?

What if Cerie is right?

Red wine is not your drink.

I'm sorry.
I'm in my right mind.

I just...
It comes in waves, you know?

And, uh, I love my job,
and I love my friends.

And if I am meant
to crank out a kid,

then I have plenty of time.

Uh, not really.


No, Liz,
I'm just saying,

if this is something you
really want, let's go for it.

I'll help you. Oh, please,
let me help you for once.

We'll get you a guy,

like that hot dancer
Madonna used to have Lourdes.

Oh, no, no.
That is not how I roll.

Forget I said anything,
all right?

Because you agreed to this.

I did not make you
sign anything.

I will not be intimidated
by you.

Good morning,
Mr. Donaghy.

Go to hell.

No, thank you.

Kenneth, I'm sorry.

How do you do it, Kenneth?

How do you sit here every day,
taking crap from people,

and you keep smiling?

My mother always told me
that even when things seem bad,

there's someone else
who's having a worse day.

Like being stung by a bee
or getting a splinter

or being chained to a wall
in someone's sex dungeon.

Isn't that a kick
in the soft stuff, Kenneth?

You get strength
from your mother,

while mine is sucking
the life out of me.

She calls me constantly.
That was her.

That was her, complaining
about where she's living,

threatening to move in
with me.

Ah, how wonderful.

No, no, no.
That's not wonderful.

I run companies... plural.

But to that woman,
I'm always gonna be the punk kid

who cried when Pop was run over
by a mail truck.

Oh, my.
A mailman killed your dad?

No, Pop was my dog.

My dad left when I was 2,

so I grew up
calling my collie Pop.


My mother is
my best friend.

My mother tried
to send me to Vietnam

to make a man out of me.

I was 12.

Well, my mother has
her dark times, too.

But that's when I tell her,

"Mama, you carried me
for nine months.

Let me carry you now."

You are a remarkable
human being, Kenneth.

I bought my mother
a lovely retirement home...

in Florida, with a tea garden
and big rocks made of foam,

because she falls down
a lot.

Got everything she needs
except a phone.

I told those people...
I made it clear...

"Do not give her a phone."

It's her.

It's always her.


This is Dr. Leo Spaceman.

Oh, hi.
I'm sorry.

I got this number
under "fertility"

in the Writers Guild
health manual.

I'm also listed
under "meth addiction"

and "child psychiatry."

So what can I help you with?

I should start by saying

that I can't personally
help you conceive.

Uh, something happened to me
while scuba diving.

Hey. So, Jenna told us
you're looking for a baby daddy.

She what?

Yeah. So?


Are you kidding me?!

Now, before you say no,
I just want to say,

our child would have a leg up
getting into Harvard.

Oh, really?
Did you go to Harvard?

'Cause you haven't mentioned it
in like three hours.

Our kid would have strong,
flat feet.

And if you choose me, I agree
not to take my shirt off.

But I do like
to get yelled at during sex.

You're disgusting.

That's a good start.

Get out of here.

Jenna had no business
telling you guys that.

Oh, hey.
Blue pages.

What's wrong?

Jenna told the writers

that I am looking for a guy
to get me pregnant.

Can you believe her?

I know.
It's so uncool.

I mean,
why would she go to them?

Who do you know better
than me?

Aw, come on.
Didn't you have a vasectomy?

No, I just told my wife
I did.

And she doesn't
get pregnant how?

I fake it.

Is Jenna out here?
Is she rehearsing?

She's onstage.

Excuse me, Ms. Lemon.

Uh, I'm not usually this formal
nor this bold,

but I figure time is on neither
one of our sides.

Uh, could you excuse us
for a second?

I'd kind of like him
to stay.

Very well.

Ms. Lemon... Liz...

I'd like to carry your child,
if I might.

I have a small ferret farm about
60 miles north of the city.

It's not much,
but it is self-sufficient.

I can get cable
if you want,

'cause I know
how much you like the TV.

Sometimes I watch you
watching it.

Think about it.


Stop telling everyone I need
someone to get me pregnant.

I'm not telling everyone.


Guys, check this out.

and Stedman are the same person.

You know what? I don't have time
for this conversation.

I don't have time
for anything.

That's why he/she won't run
for president. Mm-hmm.

Hey, you got to stop doing
that impression.

Tracy hates it.

What? But it's funny.

These guys like it.

The Mars probe didn't break.

It was attacked
by a Martian cougar.

This is how you take care
of things, Liz Lemon?

I'm going to Jack Donaghy.

No. No, Tray.
Please don't do that.

Too late.
This is untoward.

This is not toward!

You better fix this, nerd.

Otherwise Jack Donaghy
is gonna kill me,

then he's gonna kill you,

and then he's gonna fold us up
in a pizza and eat us.


Hey, Liz, I heard you're
looking for a hookup.

Oh, you know what?

Everybody stop working
right now!

I don't want to have sex
with any of you.

I have plenty of time
to have a baby,

and I am not looking
for sperm donors.


But do you still want
a sound hookup

so you can listen
to rehearsal?

Yeah. Thanks.

How are you, Bobby?




Tracy, it's Jack Donaghy.

I hear we have a problem
with Josh Girard.
Damn right!

Keeps impersonating me,
making me into a caricature.

I would
take care of this if I could,

but it's tricky.

You see, Josh's father is an
assassin with the Russian mafia.

They call him El Matador.

Those dudes are crazy.

Forget it.
I don't need any of that noise.

It happies me
to hear you say that.

For being so understanding,
I'm sending you our new

invisible motorcycle.

For real?

For realsies.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to see a doctor.

I keep pooping during sex.

Lemon, we have a problem.

I have this whole
Tracy-Josh thing under control.

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

You yelling at the crew,
you trawling for seed.

Oh, it's a big

Jenna thinks
that I want to have a baby.

I should have known
this was going to be a problem

when I decided to mentor
a woman.

No, in fact,
what I said was

that my body is trying to make
me think I want to have a baby.

But my body is not
the boss of me.

My brain is.

If you insist upon going
all Murphy Brown on me,

let me give you a tip.

Don't smother your child
with affection

to compensate for not having
a man in your life.

Don't say, "You're the only man
I'll ever love."

Even babies know
that's creepy.
Of course.

Don't put little notes
in their lunch bag

that say,
"Mommy's watching you."

People find those things.

I bet you behaved yourself,

If your child is
a terrific hockey player

and a gifted flautist,

don't make them play
the national anthem on the flute

in front
of their teammates.
Your mother did that?

Now she wants to move in
with me.

I can't have that, Lemon.

Then be an adult and call her
and say you love her very much

but that living together
is not going to work for you.

Oh, no.
You don't know my mother.

This is a woman
that actually had a heart attack

to prevent me
from going on my honeymoon.

Maybe her heart broke 'cause
she spent 20 years raising you

and you're a total ingrate.

That's exactly what she said.

Is this what you want, Lemon?

To breathe life
into another human being

just to spend
the rest of your days

slowly sucking it
out of them?

No. That's why my brain
is the boss.

Speak of the devil.

Take a breath.
Be nice.

Hello, Mother.
So nice to hear your voice.

No, I am not on anything.

I know that things have been
difficult for you lately,

and I was thinking...
you carried me for nine months.

Let me carry you now.

Well, right back at you,

Yeah, that's right!

You cut Pop's balls off

and left him in the street
to die!

Liz, check out
my wedding dress.

Absolutely not,
young lady.

Get Donaghy on the phone.

Jonathan, I have Tracy Jordan
for Mr. Donaghy.

No, no, no.

Tracy, please,
do not bother Jack.

He is in a weird place
right now.

B. B. Jackson's condo?

A children's clothing store
in Dubai?

Stop guessing.

What I'm saying
is leave Jack alone.

Too late, Liz Lemon.

He called me
five minutes ago.

Five minutes ago,
I was with him.

How did he sound?

What did he say?

Nothing unusual...
Russian mobs,

invisible motorcycles,
sex pooping.

Are you insane?

What are you gonna do
when Tracy asks Jack

for his invisible


Yeah, dummy.
Here's what you're gonna do.

It's not your mother!



What's up, Tray?

lf, in the future...
lf, in the future...

if I mention
anything crazy...

like an invisible

it means
I'm off my meds...

and should be ignored.

Also, I think Josh Girard
is a young Alec Guinness.

Go back on your meds, Tracy.

Hang up.
Hang up.



Tracy, I've got to go.


I think that went well.

Now you got to call Tracy
as Jack.

Or I could call him

as Christopher Walken.

Do you not understand
what we're doing?

Jenna, did you tell Life & Style

that your favorite book
is the Koran?

I just wanted
to sound smart.

Oh, hi, baby.

Would you take her for a second?
I'm trying to finish her eyes.

Oh, I'm actually
really busy.

I heard you were baby-crazy.

Uh, no.
Yes, she is.


Oh, for the love of Nut.

How about that, huh?

Yeah. She likes you.
Go ahead, walk around.

Oh, okay.

Look how pretty I look.

You're the cutest baby
in the world.

Who's the cutest baby
in the world?

Who's the cutest baby
in the world?

How did I get home?

Why didn't you
say something?

Jack Donaghy?

Now, I know you asked me
not to say anything.

But I think I know somebody

that can help you
with your sex-poop problem.


Please don't hurt me.

I can't help it.
It just pours out of me.

I'm Jack Donaghy. I'm important.

I just bought the moon.

Oh, my God. I'm doing it again.


Mother, I love you, too.

But living together is not gonna
work out for me.

Yes, I went this morning.

I don't know.
Regular consistency.

I can't do this.

Every day for the rest of your
or her life.

And she will outlive you.
She's like Castro.

And when you're done with that,

call my wife and tell her
I'm sorry about what happened

with me and Keith and them.

Wait. Who?

Oh, God!
It's true that you had the baby.

I don't know what happened.

One minute, I was holding
the baby in makeup.

And then, suddenly,
it was like highway hypnosis.

You know, when you pull
into your driveway,

but you don't remember
driving home?

Oh, right, and you have someone
else's baby in your car.

I feel so terrible.

Give me the baby.
I'll try to smooth things over.

What's her name?

Well, Anna calls her Isabelle,
but I call her Nancy.

Think it might be
a good idea

if I give Anna
the rest of the week off.

We're really busy.

Well, of course,
of course.

Stealing a baby?

Hey, I found Isabelle!

I'm a hero.

Hi, baby.
Oh, baby.

You're loving this,
aren't you?

Oh, yes.

I'm a big fan
of kidnapping,

by my middle management.

The thing you were saying
about listening to your mind

and not your body...
how's that going for you?

My body is telling me
several things.

First of all,
I need to start working out.

That kid was killing
my arms.

Number two, I could be
very happy with a baby

that looks nothing like me
and didn't bake in my oven.

Three, I got to let myself
have a personal life.

That's what I've been
telling you for five months.

Well, you're right again.

Write it down in your little
"I'm Awesome" book.

Where are you going?

You have a rehearsal
about to start.

I stole a baby, Jack.
I'm taking a half day.

Fair enough.

I have to do some thinking.

Maybe it's impossible
to have it all...

the career, the family.

But if anybody can figure out
how to do it, it's me.

That's going up.

Aw, nerts!

I was talking about you
at work today, Mother.

I think my boss,
Mr. Jack Donaghy,

wishes you were
his mother.

Isn't that something,

Yes, Kenneth. That's sweet.

Do you have me
on speakerphone again?

Yes, ma'am. It's just like
"Charlie's Angels."

Oh, by the way,
did you get

your old Halloween decorations
I sent you?

Oh, yes!
Thank you.

I'm looking at
the kooky skeleton right now.

I love it.

You're the best mother
in the whole world.

Calm down, dear.

Yes, Mother.