30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 1, Episode 8 - The Break-Up - full transcript

Hey.

Hey, babe.

Dennis,
what are you doing?

I'm gonna mount a TV
on your wall.

I just can't find a stud.

So you made nine holes
in my wall?

No, those are
for the shelves, dummy.

The TV is gonna go
right here.

It's gonna be awesome.
It's gonna be like a hospital.

Dennis, I don't want
a hospital TV.

I don't want a shelf.



Whose horse is that?

That's my cousin Teddy's
Great Dane.

I told him I'd watch him
for a couple weeks

'cause Teddy broke his ankle
running from some black guys

who pulled a gun on him.

Why is it important to tell me
that the muggers were black?

They weren't muggers.
They were cops.

So why don't you just say
he was running from some cops?

I don't know, I mean,
you're a racist

for assuming
that they weren't cops.

You know
I'm allergic to dogs.

Ah, allergies
are all mental.

Hey.

Who the hell is this?
That's Teddy.



Get out.
I want you out of here.

You can't kick me out.
I love you.

No, no, get your stuff
and get out.

I'm not doing this anymore.

You can't kick me out.
I got squatter's rights.

Which is it... you love me
or you got squatter's rights?

I don't see why
they're mutually exclusive.

Aargh!

Thank you.

Oh, Liz, finally.

It's about time
you broke up with him.

He's a complete loser.

Oh, Jenna, don't say that.

You know, he had
some good moments.

Hey, I got doughnuts.

What's up, brown eyes?
I made chili.

Hey.

You want to...

want to order
cheesesteaks?

I guess they were
mostly food-related.

But he was always nice to me.

Oh, that's okay.
Cry it out, sister.

No, I'm not crying. I'm allergic
to the stupid Great Dane.

That thing licked my eyes
this morning.

Wait a minute...

Dennis and the dog
are still in your apartment?

I gave him a week
to find a new place.

Ugh.

No, but we're completely
broken up.

If that's true, then I'm taking
you out to celebrate...

a girls' night.

We'll meet
some new people.

Oh, you mean
like at a discotheque?

Oh, boy.

So, when can we
see each other again?

What are you wearing?

Black dress?

Black stockings?

A funeral?
Oh, I'm sorry.

Okay.

Let me call you back
in an hour. Yeah, bye.

Why are you crying...
did the Liberty lose again?

I'm not crying.
I have allergies.

Allergies are
all in the mind, Lemon.

I used to have
a wicked peanut allergy,

and now... witness.

As I'm sure you surmised
from that call,

I'm seeing a woman of late.

Yeah, who's the lucky lady?

Let's just say
she's a high-ranking

African-American member
of the Bush administration.

Are you dating
Condoleezza Rice?

I'm not at liberty to say.

The point is,
my lady friend is an egghead,

much like yourself,
not my usual thing,

and I need your advice.

We're having a lot of trouble
connecting lately.

She does
a lot of traveling.

Yeah, and it must be hard for
her to get cellphone reception

when she's so far
up the president's butt.

I'm choosing to ignore
that remark on the basis

that you are a godless,
glassy-eyed Clintonista.

Now, I wanted to get
my friend something personal.

Do you think that she would
prefer this handsome attaché,

which says, "You are a woman
of substance and I respect you,"

or this collection
of ladies' unmentionables

with snaps and openings
all over the place?

Attaché!

I see. Okay.

Jenna to the floor, please.

Yeah, it's pretty good.

But I think the boobs
should swing more.

Yeah, then I could go,

"Rodney, don't make me
come over there

and beat you in the head
with one of my boom-booms!"

Yeah.

This is just appalling.

What's your problem?

I just think it's demeaning
for a black man to do drag.

What? Everybody loves
a dude in a dress.

I mean, those were
the best "Bugs Bunnies."

Frank, there are large pockets
of African-American culture

that Caucasians
know nothing about.

The stigma of drag
is one of them.

Whatever.
I played a woman before.

"Honky Grandma Be Trippin"'
made $96 million.

All I'm saying is,

is drag is a way for Caucasians
to emasculate you

and make you seem
nonthreatening.

We never would have stopped
so low on "Black Frasier."

"Black Frasier"?

Niles, this Beaujolais
is impeccable.

It's both fruity
and precocious.

That's not the only thing
around here

that's fruity
and precocious.

I never heard of
"Black Frasier."

What?
It was huge on BET.

Every Thursday night
at about 9:00 or 9: 15.

Think about it, Tracy.

All the best African-American
comedians refuse to do drag.

Chris Rock doesn't do it.
Dr. Cosby doesn't do it.

Bernie Mac doesn't do it,
'cause he'd be ugly as hell.

Forget it.
I'm not wearing this dress.

It's prejudicial.

Thanks a lot. Now what am I
supposed to do with this sketch?

I'll do it.

I mean, my parents raised me
as a girl for, like, 10 years.

What?
I told you guys that.

That's our show for tonight!
See you next week!

Good night!

Okay.
No, that's okay.
Sorry.

All right,
I'll see you later.

Monday night
is girls' night.

I'm taking you out...
9:30.

I know this great
karaoke place

where you can get
a pedicure while you sing.

Oh, Jenna, I'll go anywhere,
just, please, no more karaoke.

Not after our last duet.

ß When I'm right here ß

ß You need to be here ß

ß Not here ß

ß Here is embarrassing ß
Okay, fine.

I didn't say that.
I said you're a beautiful woman.

It wouldn't hurt
to try something different

with your hair.

Check this out... I think
Jack is dating Condi Rice.

Oh, God! That's huge!

Oh, no, no. I never said
"braces." I said "bonding."

Dude,
that Shemanda character

was the best thing
of the night.

What was her line?
Say it again.

"Rodney!

"Don't make me
come over there

and beat on you
with my boom-booms!"

You burned me!

There's nothing wrong

with a black comedian
wearing a dress!

Eddie does it.
Martin does it.

Jamie Foxx, Flip Wilson.

Whoopi Goldberg
does it every day!

You stole a franchise
from me!

Shemanda could have been
a movie!

Okay, you need to write
something great for him

before this
becomes a problem.

I wouldn't even know
where to begin writing

for a guy like that.

Then write something
with him.

Our comedy got to do more
than make people laugh.

Got to make people think.

I want to hold
a mirror up to society

and then win world record
for "biggest mirror."

He's totally right.

Got to be raw!

Uh-huh. I got a concept for
a sketch I think you might like.

You and Jenna play Sleestaks
from "Land of the Lost,"

and you're trying
to get a small-business loan.

What?

Because you want to
open up a pancake house

called "Slee's Stacks."

Are you black?!

Jack?
Is everything all right?

I think I figured out
why things have been so rocky

with my lady friend.

I'm on the street.
I can barely hear you.

She's cheating on me, Liz.

I think there's another man
in the picture.

Are you sure, Jack?

'Cause she kind of seems
like an honest lady.

I know what I know.

Next time I see Putin,
I'm gonna kick his teeth in.

Oh! Here it is!

"lzzle...
a suffix that can be used

to take the place
of anything."

Well, now you're
just being patronizzle.

You know who would love
this argument?

My racist grandfather.

I thought writing
with you

was gonna be like two brothers
writing together.

We're not even speaking
the same language!

That's right.
I'm speaking English.

Just listen.
Just listen.

Come on.
Who raised you?

Standing there
with your pants that fit,

using a wallet,
drinking Starbucks.

And what is this?

That's my Harvard a capella
group, The Crocodillos.

I had a solo
in "Like a Prayer."

Come on.
Where's your heritage?

My brother,
my homeboy, my n...

Hey, sorry I'm late.

Well, thank God you're here.
This place is creeping me out.

I don't think
I can do this.

You're gonna be great.

They're cute.

Do you think
they're Wall Street guys?

Yeah, I think
they're from the firm

of Date Rape, Cokington,
Cheeseball, and Jag.

You've got to give this
a chance.

Excuse me.
Is this seat taken?

Really, dude?
I got to move my coat?

There's like four empty seats
down there.

Can't you just be cool?

That guy wanted to
buy you a drink.

Really?
I already have a drink.

Do you think he'd buy me
mozzarella sticks?

What is the matter
with you?

I don't know.
I'm just nervous and rusty.

Well, just relax
and be yourself.

Can I have
a martini, please?

Hi.

Oh, he knows
where Bin Laden is, come on!

The Carlyle Group,
the Unocal pipeline,

the assassination
of Olaf Palme?

Come on. The proof
is in the pudding.

Ooh, these are good.

Really, you think
she looks like Jessica Simpson?

You could put
a long blond wig on a ferret

and it would look
like Jessica Simpson.

And by the way,
Jessica Simpson would think

that you are old and gross,
so good luck with that.

I really didn't think I was
gonna meet anybody tonight,

but you and I
have so much in common.

Also, you have
really pretty eyes.

Oh, hi.

ß I learned the truth at 17 ß

ß That love was meant
for beauty queens ß

Hey, you're bumming us out!

ß And high-school girls
with clear-skinned smiles ß

ß Who married young
and then retired ß

ß Whoa ß

I thought bars
were open till 4:00.

Nope, 11:30.
Let's get you to bed.

Uh, I see you've all met Norman
from Human Resources.

He tells me that Toofer

has filed a harassment
complaint against Tracy.

What?

Now I have to attend
sensitivity training.

What seems to be
the problem, Toofer?

Mr. Jordan called me...

the N-word.

And?

And I was really
offended.

Because...

Because
it's a racial slur.

Brothers talk to other
brothers like that.

I was being friendly.

Yes, Toofer.

You see,
in the last decade or so,

the African-American community
has reappropriated that word

as a way of depriving it
of its meaning.

Just don't try
to tell my girlfriend that.

Yeah, Toofer,

I really don't think Tracy
was trying to offend you.

It's okay for us to use it
with each other.

You could call me that.
It's a term of endearment.

Look, I'm not trying
to cause any trouble,

and I confess, I appreciate
what you do for the show.

I want you to be my brother,
my homeboy, my n...

Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa!

This meeting
is adjourned.
Not cool, homey!

You might as well spray me down
with a fire hose.

It just sounds so hateful
coming from you! Ugh!

I wish to file
a complaint.

Hey.

Dennis, what are you
doing here?

Hey, I'm moving into
my new apartment, so...

I got one last thing
to say to you,

and then I'll be
out of your life forever.

"Dear Liz Lemon,

"While other women
have bigger boobs than you,

"no woman has
as big a heart.

"When I saw you
getting ready to go out

"and get nailed
by a bunch of guys last night,

"I knew for sure
it was over between us.

"And for the first time since
the '86 World Series, I cried.

"I cried
like a big, dumb homo.

"And if it was up to me,
we would be together forever.

"But there's a new thing
called 'women's liberation,'

"which gives you women
the right to choose,

"and you have chosen
to abort me,

"and that I must live with.

"So tonight when you arrive
home, I'll be gone.

I officially renounce
my squatter's rights."

I'll always love you.

Goodbye and good luck.

I'll never forget you.

And that is why
we are no longer a couple.

The guy just came in here
and bared his soul to you.

What are you,
made of stone?

Am I crazy?
The guy's a disaster, right?

I-I don't know.

I mean, he's
a little bridge and tunnel,

but you did say
you had some good times.

No, no, no, no.
He had his bad moments, too.

Hey. Threesome?

How about it, huh?

I'm just saying,
after last night,

maybe he's not
such a bad choice.

You are suggesting
that I get back with Dennis.

Maybe.
Look, you're a writer.

Write a list
of Dennis' pros and cons.

It's a very helpful
exercise.

It's how I decided to get
a scooter instead of a bike.

Ah.

Well, you have to admit there's
always time for Tony Blair,

there's always time
for Bashar al-Assad,

but there's never any time
for Jack Donaghy,

and that's a problem.

Go ahead.
Take the call, yeah.

Hey, Dennis.
You drop by to say hi to Liz?

You mean
the ex-future Mrs. Dennis?

She dumped me again.

I'm sorry to hear that.

You try to make
some people happy,

but it doesn't work
all the time.

Tell me about it.

What, you?

I really can't
go into details,

but when my woman
and I are together,

it's mind-blowing.

It's...

It's filthy, really.

So, what's the problem?
She works all the time.

She's always traveling.
It's a headache. Who needs that?

That's why I'm always dating
20-year-olds.

Let me tell you about
20-year-olds, my friend.

Half of them are 16.

You want some advice?

It's hard for alpha males

like you and me
to put our egos aside,

but if she's worth it,
you make it work.

It's like
my cousin Teddy's dog.

Sometimes, he just doesn't
want to lick my feet.

So what I do is
I hide my feet from him

for a couple of days,

and then when he sees them,
he goes bananas.

So, Jack,
in this example,

Liz is the dog,

and I am my feet.

You see what I'm saying?

Yes, I believe I do.

Each of you is here

because you were insensitive
to a coworker, okay?

You might have used one of the
words I call the "uh-oh" words,

such as "slut," "ho,"

uh, "bitch," "bee-yatch,"

"queerburger,"

"fag-o-tron," "gay bird,"

the word for "black"
in any language...

nero, noir, schwartz,

negro, kanjan sec.

Hmm?

So, what else?

What else can we
not call each other?

How about
"sweaty greaseball"?

Ooh, very good.
That's highly offensive.

"Person of color."

I guess if you say it
like that.

"Sneaky Taiwanese trannie
who stole my watch."

Yes!

These words are terrible,

but today,
we are going to learn

to communicate
in a different way.

And I would like to start...

with Tracy and James.

Guys?

Now, I understand
that the two of you

got into a big, old
conflict yesterday.

And...
let's work this out.

Tracy, what did you really
want to say to James?

I'm trying to tell him
he's my brother.

We're the only two blacks
on the show.

We have to figure out a way
to work together.

Like Professor
Martin Luther King said,

"I have a feeling."

It is
Dr. Martin Luther King,

and he did not
"have a feeling."

He had a dream.

Ah, dude wears khakis.
Uncle Tom, party of one!

Uncle Tom, party of one!

You can't call someone that
if you've never read the book!

What book?

You know
what I think?

I think you're ashamed
of being black,

and you're an embarrassment
to your community.

I embarrass you?

You embarrass me,
and do you know why?

Because there are
racist people in this world,

and when they see you
act like a fool,

they assume
we're all fools.

That's it!

This is it!

This is the sketch
we should do!

What?
Right here, you and me!

This is deep stuff going on!
We got to write this!

You're right.

Dr. Snew,
thank you very much!

Okay, okay, okay!

That's really
against the rules.

Dennis?

Oh, my God.

"I know this might be
emotional for you,

so there's a meatball sub
in the fridge."

"Pro.

Fixed TV."

Huh.

Hello, I'm Star Jones,

and welcome to "The Star Jones
Gastric-Bypass Cooking Show."

Mmm!

Liz, what happened

to the race-relations sketch
Tracy and I wrote?

We only had time
for one more bit,

and Tracy picked
this one.

Now, you know I can only eat
small portions!

Oh, my goodness.

Dessert!

Okay, he's right.
This is funnier.

Guess where I was
last night.

Mark Foley's pajama party?

No. Kandahar.

Afghanistan?
Yeah.

Took the corporate jet
to hook up

with my neocon inamorata.

Well, I'm glad things
are working out for you

and your mystery lady.

Actually, they're not.
I broke up with her.

Really? What happened?

Well, I finally realized
that we're not compatible.

I mean, I'm all for fantasy
role-play, but Abu Ghraib?

Well, you know,
relationships end.

People move on.

But I'm glad at least
I gave it a shot.

Thank Dennis
for making me do that.

Dennis?
Yep.

You know, I might have been
too hard on that guy.

He's okay.

Hmm.

"Jack likes Dennis."

"Jack... likes...

Dennis."

At Snapple,
when young fruit ripen, they...

Hey.

Hey.

I just, um...

I just wanted to drop off
your Christmas present.

I had already bought it
for you, so...

It's a fancy briefcase

because you're classy
and important, like a dude.

Thank you, Dennis.

I also got you
some antihistamine

in case the next guy
you're with has a dog

and you want to
stay with him.

Anyway...

Do you want to eat?

What?

I got all this
Chinese food.

I'm never gonna finish it
by myself.

For real?

Should I grab a plate?

Yeah.
Get me a diet soda.

Okay.

Good evening,
and welcome to "Dateline."

Chris Hansen has
our latest investigation.

Hello?

Good evening, sir.

I'm Chris Hansen
with "Dateline NBC."

Can I ask you
what you're doing here?

Yeah, I'm here to boff
some chick named Mary.

Oh, my God!

Do you know how old
Mary is?

22, I think.

Crap.

That girl said she was 16,
but I swear to God,

I could tell she was 22.

Get out of my apartment!

This happened
while we were broken up.

Oh, no, no, no.
I was right about you!

This is a con, by the way.
You on "Dateline" is a con!

You know what? I knew you
wouldn't be cool about this.

We're finished.

You can't break up with me!
I already broke up with you!

Fine, then we agree
to disagree!