30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 1, Episode 7 - Tracy Does Conan - full transcript

Jenna was supposed to be on Conan O'Brien's show, but got bumped. Instead, Jack wants to send Tracy to the show as a guest. Tracy is worried about not having an interesting story to tell on...

Why is there hair

Did you shave
in the kitchen?

The water in here
is softer.

Look at this ski-jumping idiot
Bode Miller.

What kind of a fruity name
is Bode?

That cereal
has the Olympics on it?

That's, like,
eight months old.

When you and me have kids,

we're gonna give them good names
like Shannon or Rick.

When we what?

When we have kids, dummy.
Come on.

Yeah, I got to go.

Um... are you gonna
be home later?

I got to talk to you
about something.

I'll be right here.

Look at this maze.
It's so easy.

I mean, come on,
you go in here and out there.

I'll be home early, okay?

Yeah, well... come here,

Oh, Dennis,
I just did my hair.

Aw, that's my girl.
Yeah, bye.

Now, make sure you drink
plenty of fluids

and get something to eat.

Don't do anything
strenuous tonight.

Don't hit the clubs.

No, I'm going straight home,

I'm breaking up
with my boyfriend tonight.

I can't take it anymore.

Hmm, 35, single,
no children.

Three sexual partners
in the last 10 years.

I don't know, doll.
Maybe it's time to settle.

Chocolate chip
or butter crunch?

I can't believe
that this is happening to me.

It's just not fair.

You're right.
This business is unfair.

What happened?

Jenna was supposed
to be on the "Conan"
show tonight, but...

I got bumped.

Oh, well, you know,
that kind of thing happens.

Jack bumped her
and put Tracy on instead.

Jenna, you can't let
this kind of thing get to you.

I just feel like everything
always gets taken away from me.

No, that's not true.

What about that movie
you did last summer?

"The Rural Juror"?

Yeah, "The Rur..."
that one.

"Rural Juror," apple 3,
take one. Mark.

It's a terrible title.


When does that come out?

"The Rural Juror" opens in
selected theaters December 18th.

Does Jack Donaghy even know
I'm in "The Rural Juror"?

Maybe if he knew
I have a film career,

he would treat me
with more respect.

Jenna to the set, please.

Jenna to the set, please,

for "Rodney Stink,
Confirmed Bachelor. "

I will tell him.

I will tell him that
you are in a feature film

called "The Rur Jur."

What the hell's
her movie called?
I don't know.

She's been talking about it
for a year.

I can't ask her now.

I can't believe
Jack did this to her!

I can't believe Conan's
gonna have Tracy on
as a guest again,

considering what happened
last time.

You seem like you have
a nice chemistry...

I am a stabbing robot.

I will stab you.

All right, no, okay!
All right, all right!

That's great, Tracy!
We'll take a break!

We'll be right back!

Hey, Clarice, can I see
Josh's Stone Phillips wig?

Oh, great.

Do you mind if I pop it
on you, actually?

I want to see
the shape of it.

Please. It would make
my wife's dream come true.



You find me handsome?

Yes, very much.

You know,
I used to be very rich.



Ooh, hi. Sorry.

I know you're wearing that
as a joke,

but it makes you look younger
and more confident,

and I think
you should consider it.

Can I see you
in my office?

Yeah, hang on a second,

Why did you bump Jenna
from "Conan"?

Because if I have a choice

between an international
movie star

and a woman who does commercials
for ShopRite...

No, no, no, Jenna doesn't
do those commercials anymore.

She got fired.

I don't do these things
just to drive you crazy, Lemon.

I do them for the good
of the show.

Well, I'm the one

that always has to clean up
the mess afterwards.

That's why my job
is way better than yours.

Way better.

Conan, Tracy's really excited
to be back on your show.

I don't know, Jack.

He's kind of
a loose cannon,

and I like to surround myself
with people

that don't try to stab me.

Well, Tracy's feeling
a lot better now.

He's under a doctor's care.

Yeah, that's what they said
about Hasselhoff.

Then he tried to make out with
me during a commercial break.

Conan, this is important
to me,

so we can either do this
the easy way or the hard way.

What's the hard way?

You do a live Christmas Eve
special from Kabul

every year until the war
on terror is won.

Tell Tracy
I'll see him tonight...

you Black Irish bastard.

Back at you, man.

I have to be charming
on "Conan" tonight.

This is my chance to redeem
myself with mainstream America.

Okay, well, just tell us
some things about your life,

and we'll try to punch it up
and make it talk-show-worthy.

Maybe something about
you and your wife.

Me and my wife
like to play rape.

She go in the bathroom
and do her hair.

Then I put on
a ski mask.
Okay, not that.

Hey, uh, you got anything
about being a dad?

People eat that garbage up.

I like to walk
around my house naked

to remind my oldest son who's
still got the biggest dingdong.


Oh, I could tell the story
how I met Sharon Stone.

Oh, what was that?

I was pooping in the ladies'
room at the lvy...


My head hurts.

Anybody gonna
answer the phone?

What phone?

Is anybody gonna
answer the phone?

The phone!
It's ringing.

Brring! Brring!

So, you wanted to see me?

Oh, Lemon, wonderful.

I'm introducing Jack Welch
at a dinner at the Waldorf.

What's a funny, little quip
I could open with?

That's why you called me
up here?

Okay, um, "Good evening.

"It's great to be here at
the beautiful Waldorf=Astoria.

"I haven't seen this many
white people in tuxedoes

since the Titanic. "

Lemon, this is not
open-mike night

at the Bryn Mawr
student union.

This is a $1,000-a-plate

Okay, um, how about,
"Wow, $1,000 a plate.

"For that kind of money,

this stuffed chicken breast
better paint my house."

Uh, let me, uh, tell you
what I was thinking of saying.

"Jack Welch has such
unparalleled management skills,

"they named Welch's
grape juice after him,

"because he squeezes
the sweetest juice

out of his workers'
mind grapes."

That doesn't even
make sense.

No, it doesn't, does it?

I wrote it down
in the middle of the night.

Listen, I'll try to come up
with something for you,

but I got to get
back downstairs.

Tracy needs help.

Cookie in the middle
of the day?

I gave blood.

Does that burn calories?

What else?
What else is on my mind grapes?

I could talk about
how the moon is a spy satellite

put there by Oprah
and Minister Farrakhan,

and not the Minister Farrakhan
you're thinking of.

Who's that dude?

Uh, what dude?

The blue dude.

Tell him to stop
staring at me.

I don't like that dude.

I don't like that dude.


Hey, guys.

That was weird.


You missed it.

Tracy was acting
old-school bananas.

He's always bananas.

No, this was different.

Yeah, like "Conan
should be afraid" different.

Oh, really?
Where'd he go?

I don't know.

Yes, I am having problems
with my cable television.

Yes, I will hold.

Excuse me,
I have another call.

Hi, Mom.

I am doing fine.

Ooh, that's not good.

Aw, Frank,
that was my blood cookie!

You want it?

Hey, Jack Attack!

Sorry, should have kept that one
in the old brain box.

Could you sign that
for me, please?

Pete, where's
your charisma?


The wig.
I prefer that you wear it.

I thought you were joking.

Well, let me clarify.
I'm not joking.

Pete, did you know that men
with full heads of hair,

on average, earn 17% more
than their bald counterparts?

I did not know that.

Perhaps it's because bald men
are generally less informed

than men
with full heads of hair.

But here's
what I want you to do.

Wear the wig for a week

and experience
your full potential.

Well, I-I think
this is my full potential.

I know you're skeptical,
Pete. I know.

Here, I want you to do
something. Pull my hair.

Right now, go ahead,
pull my hair.

I'm just kidding.

It's... It's real.

I'm not like you.

So, be honest with me.
What did Jack say?

Well, I guess he thinks
that Tracy is a movie star,

and he doesn't love it
that you did those commercials.

Well, you tell him
that those commercials

paid for my vacation home,

so unless he would like
to buy me a condo

in Clearwater, Florida...

Jenna, I'm sorry.
Just let it go.

Tracy's doing "Conan"

Miss Lemon
we got a problem.

Tracy's doctor put him
on some new medication.

I guess he's having
some sort of reaction.

Well, "Conan" tapes in...

Less than two hours.

Call me if you need me.

Tray, can I come in?

I'm bugging out.

I'm bugging out!

I'm bugging out!

Tracy, who is your doctor?!

Dr. Spaceman!
Dr. Spaceman!

Oh, brother. Look around.
We got to find his medication.

ß Dr. Spaceman,
Dr. Spaceman ß

Wow, "Dr. Spaceman."

I owe you an apology, Tray.

This is Dr. Leo Spaceman.

Hi, I work with Tracy Jordan,

and I think
he's having a reaction

to some of the medication
you put him on.

Ugh. I was afraid
this might happen.

You know, he's on so many

different neuroleptics
and tricyclics

that there's no telling
how they'll mix.

But what can you do?

Medicine's not a science.

Well, what exactly
are you treating him for?

There's not really a name
for what Tracy has.

Basically, it's erratic
tendencies and delusions

brought on
by excessive notoriety

and certainly not helped

by my wildly
experimental treatments.

Boy, I'm being
awfully open with you, miss.

I should not have taken
those blue things.

So, is he dangerous?

No, he should be fine,
so long as you keep him away

from bright lights,
loud music, and crowds.

You know,
I'll call in a prescription

for something to settle him down
as soon as possible.

Um... do you need anything
for yourself?

What? No, just where can I
pick up Tracy's prescription?

Miss Lemon,
they need you upstairs

in Mr. Donaghy's office

Kenneth, I need you to go
to Rite Drug, 46th and 8th.

Pick up
Tracy's medicine fast, okay?
Yes, sir.

What is it?
What's the emergency?

How's this
for an opening line?

"When I first met
Jack Welch,

"I thought he was
such a great golfer,

he made Bob Darnell
look like Randy Barnes."

That's fine.
Do that.

I don't know.

It might be distasteful

if Randy's widow's
in the audience.

What did you come up with?

I have
a bigger problem, Jack.

I don't think Tracy's ready
to do "Conan."

I think you should
let Jenna do it,

and maybe Tracy could do it
in a couple weeks.

Jenna's not a star.

She's capable,
but she's not a star.

She got a movie
coming out next month.

What movie?

"The Rur Jur."

The what?

Tracy's acting nuts.

He's having problems
with his medication.

Did you call Dr. Spaceman?

Yeah, I did.
Then he'll be fine.

Leo's an excellent physician
and a pretty good dentist.

Is that rehearsal?
Oh, n... Oh.

No, this... this Tracy situation
is really...

Are we still talking
about that?

Do I have to come in
and run your show,

or could you take
this one thing off my plate?

No, I got it.

I'll figure it out.

Don't ask.

Who is this leader of men?

What can I do for you,

Liz, I wanted you
to be the first to know.

After the way
Jack treated me today,

I can't work here anymore.

I quit.

Oh, Jenna, I really don't
have time for this.

Then I guess
this is goodbye.

Okay, Jenna, don't quit.

The show can't go on
without you. You're my muse.

You're a modern-day
Lucille Ball.

You're prettier
than Debra Messing.

Please don't quit.

Well, if that's the way
you feel, I'll stay.

It's Dennis.

Do you have any food?

I'm getting really low
blood sugar.

Are you dieting finally?

Tell me... what are you doing,
South Beach, Master Cleanse?


Whoa, whoa, whoa, gimme,
gimme, gimme, gimme. Shoo.

Liz, hey, it's me, Dennis.

Dennis, what do you want?

You got to do me
a huge favor.

You got to call Ticketmaster
right away.

Nickelback just added
another date, right?

And I would do it
on your computer,

but I'm downloading a game
right now.

No, I can't do that
for you.

Listen, just be home tonight
when I get there, okay?

I need to talk to you
about something.


Blue Man!

That blue dude
keep following me!

All right, let's just get him
down to hair and makeup.

Hopefully, Kenneth will be
back any minute.

Oh, my.

No! No!

Aah! No!


It's the Blue Man.

It's coming up on me.

There's no Blue Man.

Take the Blue Man!
I don't want the Blue Man!

All right,
all right, all right.

Hey, Liz, what's up?

Oh, hi, Conan,
how are you?


You still going out with
that guy from the pager store?

Who, Dennis?


You still, um...
How's your wife?

Let's not do this,


ß Nah, nah, nah ß

ß Nah ß

Vocal warm-ups.

I'll tell him you came by.


ß Uh, uh ß

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
He licked all of those.

After you, ma'am.

Chewbacca, may I speak
to Tracy, please?

Brrrrrr, brrrrr.

How's it going?

No! Past Pete is here
to kill Future Pete!

It's going great.


It's all right, Tray!
Come back!


Yes, ma'am,
do you have a prescription

Mr. Tracy Jordan?

Okay, come on
out of there, buddy.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Jack would like to see you
up in his office.

Ohh, I don't have time
for this!

Yeah, Jonathan, tell him I've
got my hands full with Tracy.

You sound upset.

I am upset.

Well, come on up,
and we'll talk about it.



Fine, I will try
the other location,

but, frankly, Ladonica,
you have not been real helpful.

We'll get to your problem
in a minute.

Have you had a chance
to think of my zinger?

"Well, it's almost Thanksgiving,

"and I know what this crowd's
giving thanks for...

estate-tax reform."

That is terrific.
I really enjoyed that.

But do you think
it's too topical?

Damn, I wish this event
were tonight.

It's not tonight?

When is it?


Why are you wearing a tux?!

It's after 6:00.
What am I, a farmer?

It's 6:00?


You're right after
this commercial.

You can do this.

Mr. Blue Man!

You gonna tell me
my feet stink?

You don't even have feet,
Blue Man!

Blue Man,
where your feet at?!

"Late Night
With Conan O'Brien"!

That's right.

Now, we are on the s...

Excuse me.

This is a page
coming through.

Let... him... through!!


Here it is!



I'm trying!

Give me his pills!


It's from Dr. Spaceman.

You know my first guest tonight
from his numerous hit movies,

including "President Homeboy"

and "Honky Grandma
Be Trippin'. "

Or you may know him from his
last appearance on this show,

when he tried to stab me
in the face.

Okay, got to go.
Excuse me.


Please welcome Tracy Jordan.

You know, you really went above
and beyond for that guy today.

I just hope
we get away with it.

This is going on
a little long.

Don't do...
Don't do that.

Pants on! Pants on!

Sit in the chair, buddy.

Sit in the chair.
Sit down, sit. Oh!

No, sit down.



Good to have you here.

That was great,
and you're...

And he's asleep,
which, uh, is okay,

'cause at least
he didn't murder me.

Uh, we'll take a break, and,
uh, Tracy Jordan, everybody.

Hey, you did good, kid.

You don't see that every day.
Tracy Jordan.

Give me that.

I really
got to eat something.

I've lost track of it!



What's up?

I didn't know
what you wanted,

so I, uh, ordered you
a cheeseburger.

Oh, Dennis, thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you so much.

So, what did you want
to talk to me about, huh?

I forget.

I just want to listen to you
play Halo

till I fall asleep.

Oh, it's baloney! How'd that...
How'd that grenade not kill him?

He was standing
right next to it!

You know, Liz,
this controller's defective.


Well, I got started
in the NBC page program.

And before you know it,
I'm making hit movies

with my good friend
and roommate, Zach Braff.


Mm-hmm. What?

Who told you that?

Well, yes,
I do know how to clog,

but I don't think anybody wants
to see me do that.

You do?



You're a weird guy,

See you tomorrow,
Mr. O'Brien.