30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Aftermath - full transcript

The crew of The Girlie Show is skeptical of having Tracy Jordan join the cast, especially when the show is retitled 'TGS Tracy Jordan'. Feeling everybody blames them, Liz and Tracy decide to throw a party on a yacht.

I thought Tracy
was getting here at noon.

Movie stars move
at their own pace, Liz.

We have to
accommodate them.

Yeah, well, a lot of people
are still upset

about Tracy
joining the show.

That's not my problem.
I have other things on my plate.

You hear about
that chemical-factory explosion

outside of Colorado Springs?


I just think when it comes
to this whole Tracy thing,

it's best to tread lightly.

No, no, no!
No, no, no, no!

Stop, stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop!

It's just us.

Lemon, to tread lightly
is your job.

My job is to keep
Tracy Jordan happy.

Girls, girls, girls,
let's save it for Mr. Jordan.

Studio 6H is where we do
"The Girlie Show."

Did y'all see Tracy Jordan

make a special appearance
the other night?

Wasn't that exciting?

That is what we in the show
business like to call a cameo.

Hey, this is the star
of "The Girlie Show,"

Jenna Maroney!

Hi. Thank you.

How you feel, NBC tour?

'Cause you look good,
like a solid-gold candy bar.

Where else do you have
those piercings on your body?

This is it, everybody.
Here he comes.

No, no, no!
Stop, stop, stop, stop.

It's only Jenna.

All right.
It's just Jenna.

How you doing, Jenna?

Ow! Ow!

Okay, I mean, granted,

Tracy Jordan has
some commercial appeal,

but within his remunerative
body of work,

there's just nothing
of value.

What are you talking about?

Did you ever see
his stand-up?

Give up the butt, ladies.
Give up the butt!

This is it. I mean it.
Here he comes!

He's an imbecile.

Well, he's our imbecile now.

I'm surprised he's still got
his shirt... Oh, there it goes.


Oh, my goodness!

Good to see you again,

It's good to see you again.

Oh, that is fantastic.

You'll have to teach me
that handshake one day.

Tracy, if there's anything
you need,

anything, you come to me.

Jack, man,
you know I'm the kid.

I'm easy
like Sunday morning.

Don't look at me.
Do not look at me in the eyes.

Do not look at Mr. Jordan.

Do not look at him
in the eye.

Just look away.

Look away.

Tracy, this is our producer,

Hey, Pete.

You smoke weed,
right, Pete?



Me neither.

Me and you, Pete.
Me and you.

Good to see you.

Is it?
Oh, good.

It's good to see you, too,

'cause that means
I'm not fired anymore.

I wasn't gonna mention that,
but I did.

And now I'm
talking about it.

Relax your balls, Pete.

Hey, everybody.

Tracy Jordan's here.

Don't just sit there.

Come here and give me
some sugar.

No, thank you.

If you ever want to piss off
your parents, you come see me.

Right this way, Tracy.

This is Tim Grandy.
He's from Bowie, Maryland.

Rachel Bey.
She just got engaged.

Josh Girard.
He got 760 on his SATs.

from SUNY Cortland.

Frank Rossitano
has every copy

of Black Tail magazine
ever published.

J. D. Lutz...
thyroid problem.

James Spurlock...
we call him Toofer,

'cause with him,
you get a two-for-one.

He's a black guy
and a Harvard guy.

And, of course,
you know Lemon.

How did you do that?

It's my job.

Jared from Set Design.

Wally... Cue Cards.

Rupert Murdoch.

Melinda Gates.

Ziggy from the cartoon

Anthony Pellicano.

Heidi Klum.

The guy that sleeps
with Heidi Klum.

This man's a genius.

Let me just say,
I'm excited to be here.

It's an honor
for you to meet me.

I got a lot of characters
I'm ready to bust out.

I got a character named Biscuit.
Write that up.

Got another character
named Rolando

who's a 2-foot-tall
Spanish hustler.

Glasses, I want you
to write that one.

Got another character
named Ching-Chong

who loves to play ping-pong.

I just made that up right now
'cause that's how I flow.

Now, I'm up for anything.

Well, I thought me and you could
play Seinfeld and Bill Cosby.

I don't like that.

How you doing?

There is no way I am working
with that guy.

Do you know
that he once got arrested

for walking naked
through LaGuardia?


And that he once fell asleep
on Ted Danson's roof?

Yeah, Tracy has
mental health issues.

He bit Dakota Fanning
on the face.

When you hear his version,
she was kind of asking for it.

I-I can't even believe
that you are doing this to me.

Listen, I understand
that this is tough for you,

but what did I tell you?

Not to freak out?
Right. And what else?

Stop falling in love
with gay guys?

About this.

But you're looking out for me,
but it doesn't seem...

Jenna, I'm your friend.

I'm not gonna let anything
happen to you, okay?

The show is called "The Girlie
Show," and you are the girl.

Nothing is gonna
change that.


Glaub mir.

Dieser Advantium Microwave
sind beste.

How could you change the name
of my show without telling me?

Detlev, I'm gonna have to
call you back.

Ja. Wunderbar.

Plow chops.

"The Girlie Show" is now
"TGS with Tracy Jordan"?

It tested very well
with the focus groups.

If you say you like it,
you can have some pizza.

You people like pizza?

You need to tell Jenna
this whole thing was your idea

and I didn't know anything
about it

and that she should be mad
at you, not me.

Oh, sure.

Then we could sit around
and braid each other's hair

until we get our periods
at the same time.

Lemon, you're a supervisor.

These people
are not your friends.
Yes, they are my friends.

They're your employees.

Well, one of my employees
is extremely mad at me.

Will you talk to her?

No, because then you're
not gonna learn anything.

You have to manage
these people, Lemon.

It's your show.
You have the tools.

Get out there and build
the house, add on the pool,

and throw yourself
into the deep end.

What if I can't swim?

Then I'll do what my father did
when I was 2.

Lure you to the edge of the pool
with a puppy and push you in.


I'll figure it out.

We're gonna be shooting
some promos in an hour

underneath the new sign.

So have your people...

write some stuff.

So I said, "Rick, this chick's
got an Adam's apple."

And Rick said to me...
I'll never forget this...

He said, "Freaky-deakies
need love, too."

need love, too.


So how you doing over there,
Theo Huxtable?

I'm doing good.

Superman does good.

You doing well.

You need to study
your grammar, son.

That was embarrassing for you.

I-I don't even have lines
in these promos.

It's all Tracy.
He doesn't even mention me.

I'll fix that.
Just stay calm.

Stay calm?

They changed the name
of the show.

You said you were
looking out for me.

I am.
I will handle it.

Lemon. Lemon.

Can I be real with you?


I haven't had a real job
in like two years.

I'm not used to all these
cue cards and all of that.

Don't worry
about the cue cards.

You have two lines.
You say, "Hi. I'm Tracy Jordan.

"I'm bringing the black back
to NBC.

I'm proud as a peacock,

You don't even need these.

You're right.

I got this.

Thanks for looking out
for me, Lemon.

I'm gonna crush it.

Show these people
how a movie star does it.

A little to your right,

Here we go.

In 3, 2...

I'm Tracy Jordan.

And I'm bringing the black
back to NBC,

and I'm proud
as a peacork, baby.

That's great, Tracy,
but it's "peacock."

What'd I say?

Think "peacock."

Right, Jenna?

In 3, 2...

I'm Tracy Jordan.

And I'm bringing the black
back to NBC,

and I'm proud
as a pea-cock, baby!


That time, I think you may have
hit it a little bit too hard.

Also, can you throw Jenna's name
in there for me?

In 3, 2...

I'm Tracy Jordan.

And I'm bringing the black
back to NBC.

Right, Jenna Malvaney?

Maroney... rhymes with baloney.
Here we go.

In 3, 2...

I'm Tracy Jordan.

And I'm bringing the black
back to NBC,

and I'm proud as a peacock,
right, my baloney?


In 3, 2...

Hi. I'm Tracy Jordan.
I'm black, NBC!

Very proud, like peacocks.
Right, Janet?

I think we got it.

I think we got it.

I think we did.

That was beyond insulting.

The guy doesn't even know
my name.

Why do you love him
so much?

No, no, no, no, no.

I don't love him.
Donaghy loves him, that's it.

Pete can't stand him.
Toofer thinks he's an idiot.

Even Cerie says he's a pig.

Frank likes his movies.

Frank also loves that video

of the monkey smelling
his own butt.

Nobody wants
Tracy Jordan here

except for certified non-genius
Jack Donaghy.

I'm sorry to interrupt,
Miss Maroney,

but the sound guys
want their microphone back.

So everyone can...

Hear everything you're saying.
Yes, ma'am.

Oh, my God.
I didn't use the N-word, did I?

Oh, no, no, no,
Miss Maroney, you did not.

Oh, good.
I mean, I never would, but...

Jenna, take the mike off!

Oh, my God.
That was bad, right?

It wasn't great.

Jack Donaghy wants to see you.

No, no.
Tell him I'm very busy.

Come in.
She's very busy.

Mr. Donaghy,
I sincerely apologize.

I'm so embarrassed.

I guess you must be

if you're hiding
in the storage closet.

This is my office.


I see you bring
a little feminine magic

to everything you touch.

How did it go with Tracy Jordan
when you apologized?

Well, I didn't think I needed
to talk to him.

He's not my friend.
He's my employee.

No, he's not your employee.
He's your product.

Like it or not, you're in
the Tracy Jordan business now.

And when you screw the pooch
the way you did today,

it's your responsibility to get
in there and make things right.

How do I do that?

I don't know.
I'm a non-genius.

I'm really sorry.

Lunch break.
That's a lunch break.

Back in 30 minutes.

Tracy, uh, I hope I didn't
hurt your feelings before.

You can't hurt me.

I did stand-up
on the road.

Crowd once threw a motorcycle
at me.

Good, 'cause I'm just trying to
calm Jenna down

'cause she's kind of paranoid
and neurotic.

Your being here is just
bringing out all of her crazy.

And please don't think
that everyone hates you.

Pete thinks that everybody's
an idiot,

especially Frank,
who is an idiot.

Josh is just jealous

'cause you're gonna get
more screen time than him,

and Toofer's just afraid
of black people.

Which one is Toofer?
The black guy.


My point is,
don't worry about them.

You are the only person
that the network cares about.

Miss Lemon,
I just want to let you know,

y'all are on the monitors
right now.

Everyone can...

Hear you and see you.
Yes, ma'am.

Son of a...



Well, that just confirms
all my suspicions.

Sorry, everybody.

Hey, buddies.

All right.
I deserve that.

But I didn't say anything
about you guys

that I wouldn't have said
to your faces.

Fine. The important thing is,
don't take this out on Tracy.

That dude sucks.

Are we gonna talk about this
like adults,

or are you just gonna
throw things at me?

All right.
Okay. Fine.

Get it out of your system.

All right.
Nothing that plugs in, you guys!

Nothing that could
really hurt me!



How are things
in the deep end?


The staff
is meshing together well?

Oh, yes. Yeah.


I'm counting on you.

We got to do something.

Let's crash my car
to see if the air bags go off.

Let me explain
what I'm talking about first.

Everybody is mad at us.

Mostly mad at you.

That's because Donaghy threw me
into the deep end of a pool

that I didn't even want to build
in the first place.

Look, I'm just saying,
we both screwed up today.

I think we should make nice

and buy everybody some pizzas
and some soft drinks.

No, no, no, no.

This is what we're gonna do,

You're gonna get everybody
on my yacht.

Harbor cruise, drinks,

That's great.
You have a yacht?

I got a yacht.

I got a solid-gold Jet Ski,
two Batmobiles,

the AIDS monkey's bones.

Welcome to your fantasy!

We're both hosting.
The ice-cream bar was my idea.

This is
surprisingly tasteful.

Oh, yeah. I've taken this boat
many places...

Miami, Tokyo, Denver.

Hey, what does that mean...
Avanti Domani?

The name of the boat.

Oh, that's Spanish
for "remember your mother."

No, I don't think it is.

Hello, boys.
I brought champagne.

I'm so glad you came.
Get away from me.

My baloney. Look at you.

Yeah. Thanks.

Let me make you a drink.

You love apple martinis,

How did you know that?

I read your interview
in Amtrak Magazine.

You saw that?


Hey, did you know
all the writers in that magazine

are also conductors?

I didn't know that.

Hey, Toofer,
see if I got any schnapps.

Good gravy.

This is a Dunwiddie '62.

It's for you.
Take it, my friend.

Thank you.

ß I'm bossy ß

ß I'm the bitch y'all love
to hate ß

ß I'm the chick
that's raised the stakes ß

ß I told young Stanley
he should switch to Bape ß

That is just wasteful.

I hear you sing.
I didn't know that.

Why don't you sing something
for me?

Oh, no.
Nobody wants to hear that.

I do.

ß Some folks like to get away ß

ß Take a holiday
from the neighborhood ß

ß Hop a flight to Miami Beach
or to Hollywood ß

Let's get out of here.
ß I'm taking a break ß

Is that a real song?

It's going well, right?

It has to.
It has to go well.

Everybody's having a great time.

How's Jenna?

Furious and drunk, but at least
she's getting along with Tracy.

Well, he does know
how to throw a party.

Think we're ever gonna leave
the dock?
I don't know.

The engines have been running
for like three hours.

Hey! Hey! Grizz!

Grizz, don't wreck this boat!

Grizz is driving the boat?

Don't worry.
He was in the Navy.

ß Oh, do you really want
a problem? ß

ß We be the ones
that'll solve 'em ß

I got one! I got one!
Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Cosby.

What's the deal with pudding?

I'm Bill Cosby.
Jell-O. Sweaters.


That doesn't even sound like
the Cos.

I got to go lay down.

Got you on that one, man.


Tracy, thank you so much
for doing this.

You totally saved me.

You don't have to thank me,

We're a team now,
like Batman and Robin,

like chicken
and a chicken container.

where's your bathroom?

Second door on the right.

Let's do another one.
Let's do another one.

Hmm. That's weird.


iPor favor! iNo me dueles!
iMe llamo Maria!

Please, calling Ted
and Nancy Peabody!

You tell "Who Dat Ninja"
is on the boat!

What are you saying?

Tracy Jordan
is on the boat!

He no see me!

I hidded from him...
I hide from him!

Oh, my God.

It's Spanish
for "remember your mother."

I've taken this boat to Denver.

You can have that Scotch.

Grizz was in the Navy.

It's not his boat!

Sir, you need to disembark

This is not his boat!

We got to get off this thing!
This is not his boat!

Disembark immediately!

Is this your boat?

Disembark immediately!

Run! Jump!
Get out of here!

Good morning.


You were right.

I'm sorry?

I can't do this.
I can't manage these people.

It was a disaster.
What are you talking about?

Everybody loved
your little Lemon party.

Nothing brings a team together
like a harrowing experience.

You pulled it off.

They bonded.

Good job.


I guess now
I just have to read

about how Tracy Jordan
tried to steal a boat.

I took care of that.

The Peabodys will be getting
some free rides in the NBC jet.

There won't be anything
in the papers.

What about this?

Well, I had to
give them something.

Don't worry.
She's gonna love it.

That's just insulting.

Liz, Liz,
did you see me in the Post?

Oh, my God.
It's so embarrassing.

Look how thin I look.

And look how many e-mails
I've gotten.

It's not even 8:00 a. m.
in L.A.

Should I call Stern?

You're welcome.