30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 1, Episode 17 - The Fighting Irish - full transcript

Eddie, Jack's brother, comes for a visit, who tells him that their father died. It turns out that Jack hasn't seen his father in 17 years and that Eddie took care of him for the rest of his...

What class
do you want to take?

Oh, anything that doesn't have
the words "strip," "salsa,"

or "beatz" with a "Z"
in the name of it.

Cardio Hip-Hop Groove
it is, then.

Hey, what's up?

Hey. Nothing.

Just going into the same class
you're going into.


That's the Flower Guy.

Hey, I hope I don't sweat
on you.

You can sweat on me.

This is my girlfriend,
Liz Lemler.


That's Liz Lemon.

Oh, the girl
who got my flowers.

Hope you enjoyed them.
I did.

Actually I finally
just threw them out this morning

'cause they got
that really bad flower smell.

I kind of couldn't stop
smelling them.

Advanced Hip-Hop,
you ready? Here we go.

Here we go.
Take it 5, 6, 7, 8.

And 1... hunh!



Turn it!

Don't give up, Ponytail.

You got this.

Lemon, come here.
You've got to see this.

It's a video
of a baby panda sneezing.

You sit here.

And don't watch the mother,
just watch the baby.

That is the cutest thing
I've ever seen!

Isn't that adorable?

You have to fire
10% of your staff.


We have to synergize
backward overflow.

I don't write the policy, Lemon.
I only enforce it.

But I've never fired anybody
in my life.

It's an acquired skill.

I'm not trying to make
your life miserable,

but this is coming
from the top.

Now, there are 140 people
on this show.

So go out there
and make 126 people very happy.

No, I don't think
I can do that.

Everyone that works at this show
is indispensable.



Josh, you suck
at this game, man.

Josh and Jenna
to the stage, please.

10%? I can't fire
any of these people.

Who cares?

Getting fired is better
than getting killed by my wife,

those big farm-people hands
crushing my windpipe.

Everything okay at home,

Remember that little secret
I told you

about Hornberger
family planning?

You mean that you flat-out lied
about getting a vasectomy.

Don't tell me that backfired?

She's late now.

And she's starting to ask

Oh, boy. Do you need a key
to my apartment?

Just for my own safety.

Hey, Liz Lemon, you know where
I could find a good church?

How good? Like Judaism good
or just, like, Unitarian?

My attorney told me I should
join a church pre-emptively...

'cause juries are suspicious

of celebrities who find religion
after getting into trouble.

Why don't you try
the Church of Practicology?

They love movie stars
and stuff.

They already turned me down.

I'm still not sure
what happened.

I believe the moon
doesn't exist.

I believe that vampires are
the world's greatest golfers,

but their curse is that
they'll never get to prove it.

I believe there are 31 letters
in the white alphabet.

What was the question again?

So, what's your religion,
Liz Lemon?

Hmm... I pretty much just do
whatever Oprah tells me to.


Can I help you?

Yeah, sweetheart.
I'm looking for Jack "Donahy."

And you are?

Eddie Donahy,
Jack's brother.

Really? 'Cause Jack
never mentioned a brother,

and his name is "Dona-gee,"
not "Dona-hee."

You know, you could be pretty
if you didn't scowl so much.

Tracy, this is
Jack's brother Eddie.


Look who I found.

Eddie Donaghy...

as I live and breathe.

I'm gonna destroy you!

You're not the boss of me,
Jack Donahy!

It's Donaghy, not Donahy!



You ruined my suit!
Ah, shut up, you baby!

Oh, my God! Stop!
Someone's gonna get hurt!

Look, this is about Dad.

What'd you two dirtbags do now?
Fix the Cotton Bowl?!

Dad's dead.

It's over, okay?

This watch was Dad's.

He wanted you
to have it.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

I haven't seen my dad
in 17 years.

I haven't seen Eddie since
I bailed him out of Disney jail.

And now this watch.

I'm sorry.
Don't be.

My dad and Eddie are a blotch
on the Donahy name...

Donaghy name.

That's how it's pronounced.

Say it!


I really appreciate you
bringing me to your church, Ken.

Hola, Julio.

I'm glad to help you on your
spiritual quest, Mr. Jordan.

What kind of Presbyterian
is this?

No, we're the
Eighth Day Resurrected Covenant

of the Holy Trinity.

We haven't been Presbyterian
for months.

And y'all always meet
on Wednesday nights?

Yeah, we lose half
the congregation

every time "American Idol"
starts up.

Reverend Gary's starting.

God sees the wicked one.

Eternal damnation
is upon the sinner.

The stench of rotten flesh
fills the air.

Judgment is upon us all!

How will you be seen
in His eyes?

He pointed right at me!

He sure did!


The fires of the pit
crackle and pop!

Hi, I got you coffee.


Oh, I forgot your muffin...
banana walnut, your favorite.

Uh, that's not correct,
but okay.

Good morning, Liz!

What's all this?

Sketches, promos, web content...
thoughts for next season.

Nice hat.

You haven't heard anything
about layoffs, have you?

What? No.

And even if I had,
I'm just being normal.


Hey, Liz.
You want to hang out tonight?

'Cause you're totally
my role model.

You make smart sexy.

There's my beautiful boss.
Good morning.

Good morning, Henry.

Ah, there you go.

The YMCA, huh?

You found me out.

So, your life's a mess,

you go out and buy a new suit,
pretend everything's okay?

What happened, Eddie?

What do you care?
I'm happy here.

Gordon, so help me...

Look, I went broke taking care
of Dad... end of story.

Then let me give you
some money.

Seeing Dad at the end, it...

It changed me, Jack.

I got a real job now.

I talk homeless people
into joining the Army.

Isn't there anything
that you want?

One thing.

I'd like my brother back.

Look, I know I've been
nothing but trouble to you

your entire life...

juvie, Jonestown,
that time I punched Goofy.

Hell, I even blinded you
with a bottle rocket.

Ah, it was for a couple
of lousy months. Big deal.

I had sex
with your prom date.

I stole your identity.
I threw you out of a window.

I convinced you
you had Lupus.

I microwaved your parrakeet.

I hated that bird!

We had
some great times, didn't we?


Hmm, you're on my good list,



Hey, sorry about that.

Not super-appropriate...
in the workplace.

No, it's...

it's only inappropriate
when it's ugly people.

So, um, how long
have you guys been together?

Oh, well, that's tricky.

Uh, kind of off and on
the past year.

But then she got
this job here,

and it's kind of tough
to stay broken up

with someone
you have to see every day.

Where does she work,
your Liz?

In accounting...
on your show.

She works for you.

I know who I can fire!

Hey, Liz. Hey!

You can't fire the other Liz
unless she's in the bottom 10%.

Oh, you can just tell she is
by her stupid face.

You're a better person
than this.

Jack has given me
absolute power.

I am the decider!

you can't just do this.

I'm not gonna "just do"

I have a plan.

Step one... befriend the enemy
and gather information.

Then use the information to
drive her into the bottom 10%.

Good Lord, your eyes...

You look like
that lady astronaut

who tried to kidnap
that other woman.

Hey, that was
a lady with a plan.

Diapers, mace, Houston to
Orlando in nine hours... blammo!

I know I'm the guy
who lied to his wife

about having a vasectomy,
but this...

this is wrong.

No, it's not wrong.

I'm just staying the course.
And I'm enjoying it!

Jack is out of my hair,
people are being nice to me,

there's a guy I like
in the building,

and I have the authority to fire
his girlfriend?!

For the first time ever, things
are lining up for old Liz Lemon.

Stop it, Jack!

Mr. Donaghy, your assistant's
been looking for you.

Thank you very much,

Uh, Eddie and I have just been
making up for some lost time.

Hey, Jack, uh...

you mind if I take a few grapes
for dinner later?

Why don't you just take
the money?


If you want to give money
to someone,

you give it to those nurses
who took care of Dad

at Chicago All Saints Hospital.

They never once said anything
about the racist stuff

towards the end.

All right, I'll have
my assistant write a check.

Help yourself
to some grapes.

So Dad missed seeing
Meredith Viera.

Now I'm pissed!

Not one of you kids is ever
gonna amount to anything!

That's why your mom left.

Maybe we should get
all the Donaghy kids

back together again.

Oh, Jack,
they don't want to see me.

Oh, come on.

We're Irish.
We're a forgiving people.


I'm so glad you asked.

is a wonderful religion

that mixes the fun part
of Judaism with magic.

So, where do you worship?

Where don't you worship?

My friend Madonna...

Hey, Jack's brother,
what religion are you?

This one sounds
really expensive and gay.

Oh, well, uh,
I'm Irish-Catholic.

Now, I know there's been
a lot of controversy

around the Church lately,
you know,

because of "The Da Vinci Code."

But what's great is you can do
anything... anything.

And as long as you go
to confession, it's forgiven.

I'm Irish-Catholic.

Well, well, Other Liz...

played saxophone
in the marching band at Rutgers?

Kept that a secret
from your employer, didn't you?

Excuse me, Liz?

Jack said it would be okay
if I put this here.

It's for the hospital
that took care of my dad.

Oh, yeah.

I'm so glad to see you and Jack
getting along.

We'll give money, right?

You want us to give money?

I'd be happy to.
Heart of gold, L. L.

Is there a limit
to how much we can give?

I hope not.
Let's get our checkbooks!


I bet Pop's looking down
right now and saying,

"If I could come back
and do any broad,

it would be
that one right there."


And so Pop says,

"Well, what does it look like
I'm doing right now?"

So they ended up landing
in Dallas for six hours,

and it was on the news!

It was not on the news.
You're such a liar.

Excuse me.
Excuse me, everybody.

This is Kenneth.
Kenneth, this is my family.

That's Patrick.
This is Patricia.

This is Katherine Catherine
and her husband, Bobby.

And this is Margaret.

We just found out
about her today.

Oh, welcome.

Kenneth's going to take you all
downstairs to the studio.

I would like to make a toast
to Pop.

Well, we've been toasting Pop
for over an hour now.

Maybe we should pace

Why don't you stop trying
to control everything, Jack?

He was a wonderful father.

He was always ready
with a joke

or rum balls in his pockets
for the kids.


Come here,
you magnificent douche bag!


How the hell are you?!


Have a drink.

Actually, I've been clean
and sober for seven months.

Stop showing off
and have a drink!


Hey, Liz.

Oh, hey... Liz.


So, I'm doing these
quick performance reviews.

I'm gonna be doing them
with everybody

every six months or so.

So, are you
settling in okay?

Yeah, everyone's been great,
learning where stuff is.

What would you say
are your weaknesses?

Some people say
I'm too nice.

Where do you see yourself
in five years?

Well, hopefully,
I'll still be working for GE.

It's a great company
for working moms.


You know, in five years.

I mean,
I'm in a relationship right now.

By then, I'll probably
have a couple kids,

be living in the suburbs,
just having it all, really.

You're fired!

I'm the decider!


God, I missed you guys.

It's too bad it took Dad dying
to get us all together again.

He was always bringing people

He was just like Lady Di.
He was.

This is Margaret.

Oh, boy, she's really got
Mom's smile, doesn't she?


To Pop, the sorriest bastard
that ever walked the Earth.

Don't say that
about my daddy!

Oh, Patricia, you're
embarrassing yourself.

Yeah, well, you don't say that
about my father!

Get your hand
out of my face!

What do you say...

You had good posture...
who cares?

What do you say we all
head downstairs right now

before this takes

the traditional
Donaghy turn for the worse?

don't even start with me!

Don't start with me!

Did you fire her?


You can't do that, Liz!
I'm gonna tell human resources!

No, no, you're not.
You're fired!

Did you just fire Pete?

Yes! I'm gonna put his name
on a list and everything!

Can I help you?

Miss Lemon,
the accounting department

wishes to protest
the firing of our colleague.

Now, we have discussed it...

You're fired!
You're all fired!

Clean out your desks!

the purpose of these cuts

is to make us more efficient
so we make more money.

And the people who tell me
if I'm making more money

are called accountants.

No, Jack,
you would be proud of me.

It's all part of a plan.
It just got out of control.

A plan to do what?

Things were really lining up
for old Liz Lemon.

And this Other Liz,
this accountant girl,

was just getting in the way
of my... happiness.

Your happiness?

is this about a boy?


Good God in Heaven!

Who is he?
What's his name?

Flower Guy.

Lemon, you've gone
chicken killer on me

over a guy
whose name you don't know?

And you still think our next
president should be a woman?

He just seems like
a really cool guy.

And I think he likes me
more than her. Ugh.


very sad.

It really is, isn't it?

I'm gonna go talk to some food
about this.

Oh, Liz, did you put your check
in already?

Oh, no.

What do I make it out to?
Chicago All Saints Hospital?

Eddie just said to write
the initials on the check.


Son of a bitch.

Eddie already took
the other box.



Your brother Eddie's dead.

He wanted you
to have his watch.




What are you doing here?!

What do you think? I'm pulling
the Dead Man's Curve on Jack.

When we parted ways,
we agreed that I would get Jack

and you would do the thing
in Sacramento!

You are both a disgrace
to the Donaghy name!

It's pronounced "Dona-fee," you
lace-curtain half-an-Englishman!

When I think of all the things
that I've been holding inside me

that I wanted to say to you!

Well, now I'm gonna let
St. Patrick and St. Michael

do my talking for me!

You'll have to get through

Tip O'Neill and Bobby Sands

You call those fist names?!

Say hello to Bono
and Sandra Day O'Connor!

Those are the stupidest
fist names I've ever heard.

Daddy's not dead!

you lying sack of crap!

Jack Donaghy, you don't raise
your fists to my dead father!

Bobby, give me my keys.
Let's go!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing? You can't
fight in front of my audience!

What, do you think
you're better than me?

Lemon, are you okay?

I want you to punch your sister
in the face.

It's on!

I call same sides
as the Bicentennial Brawl.

I was impressed
by how you take a punch, Lemon.

I played dead
for the worst of it,

but it didn't fool
your family.
It sure didn't.

The whole thing was strangely
reassuring, though.

To know that they'll be there
after I'm dead,

fighting over my corpse before
it's cryogenically frozen.

Where's Eddie now?

I gave him and my dad
a three-day head start

out of love
and sportsmanship.

Oh, okay.

As always, it's been
a pleasure fighting with you.


Oh, I had to rehire
that Liz Lemler that you fired.


And I didn't want
any more trouble with her,

so I had to give her
a promotion, too.


It's an amazing opportunity
for her

out at
corporate headquarters.

In Connecticut?

She's transferred
to Connecticut?

Yes, that's right.

It seems that things

are lining up once again
for old Liz Lemon.

And you say?

Thank you, Jack.

You're welcome.

I hear your girlfriend
got transferred. Sorry.

Yeah, I guess
it wasn't meant to be.

Liz! You forgot to give me
the key to your place.

And I need it. My wife knows
about our little secret.

I don't know how she found out.

Oh, God. I should have
just gotten a vasectomy!

Let me explain.

Hey, did you hear
the good news, J. D.?

I'm Irish-Catholic now,
like you, Regis, and the Pope.

Oh, no, you're not.

The Church already has
enough lawsuits.

See, I can screw up now
and then just go to confession.

No longer do I have to throw my
parties in international waters.

That's not how it works,

Even though there is
the whole confession thing,

that's no free pass...

because there
is a crushing guilt

that comes
with being a Catholic.

Whether things
are good or bad

or you're simply eating tacos
in the park,

there is always
the crushing guilt.

I don't think I want that.

I'm out.

Somehow, I feel oddly guilty
about that.

I don't want nothing
crushing me.