30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Liz Lemon is called upstairs to meet the new network exec, Jack Donaghy, who instructs her to hire movie star Tracy Jordan to draw a young male audience to 'The Girlie Show'.

Hello? Excuse me?
There's a line, buddy.

There's two lines.

No, no, there's one line.
We're in it.

I'm just getting
a hot dog.

We're all getting hot dogs.

What, do you think
there's two lines

and we're all in this line

and you're the only genius
that got in the other line?

You believe this guy?

Don't line up behind him.
He cheated you.

Hey, shut up.

Now I want all the hot dogs,

I'm buying all the hot dogs.

You don't have to do that.

No, no, no,
You don't have to do that.

That is ridiculous.

And I'm giving them
to the good people.

I'm starving.

ß Who's that
kickin' it down the street? ß

ß Causing a stir ß

ß Who's that?
I know that you're wondering ß

ß That's her ß

ß That's her, that's her,
that's her, that's her ß

ß Who's got the kind of charisma
that the boys prefer ß

ß Who's hot and you know
that she knows it? ß

ß That's her ß

ß She's like a summer sky,
a slice of cherry pie ß

ß The rarest butterfly ß

ß Me, oh, my ß

ß Who flaunts
her feminine magic ß

ß That's her ß

ß That's me ß

That's Pam,

The Overly-Confident
Morbidly Obese Woman.

This fat suit
smells like corn chips.

Going again,
please. Thank you.

And this is the set
of "The Girlie Show."

It's a real fun ladies'
comedy show for ladies.

Hey, everybody, look.

Here's someone you never
get a chance to meet.

It's the head writer
of "The Girlie Show," Liz Lemon.

"The Girlie Show."

Hold on,
I'll connect you.

What's up?

Hey, have you looked
at that cat-lady sketch?

It's still
seven minutes long.

Yikes, okay.

Oh, and Standards
has a problem

with that
Michael Jackson bit.


you can't say he's got a vagina.

Ohh! Fine, I'll just
take the whole thing out.

Hey, you've got to tell
that NBC page

to take it down a notch.

Who, Kenneth?

He just embarrassed me
in front of a whole tour group.

I'll talk to him.
What is this?

Well, you know how I hate it
when people cheat

or break rules?

Yes, I do.

Well, I just spent 150 bucks
on wieners.


Chumley, the beverage situation
around here

is reprehensible.

Oh, good morning,

our massive conglomerate

parent company could spring
for a samovar of coffee.

Yeah, or, like,
a big coffee dispenser.

That's what a samovar is.

Are there other black nerds,
or is it just you and Urkel?

Uh, Cerie, do you want to
go get some coffee?

No, thank you.


Hey, Josh, I need to change
your Michael Jackson thing.

Didn't you tell me
you had a Jay Leno impression?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
check it out.

So, President Bush

is in the news again.

No, Jay Leno.

The host
of "The Tonight Show."

That's what I was doing.

So, my wife Mavis and I

like to go shopping
for old cars, you know?

No, no, like Jay Leno.

"Hey, here are the headlines."

Have you ever noticed

when you eat
a lot of cheese...

How is that different
from what I was doing?

And I don't think you need to
introduce the writers

to the tour group.

I agree.

I thought
they would find it interesting,

but they really did not.

Well, Kenneth,
just respect their privacy.

I promise
I'll do better, Mr. Hornberger.

I'm sure you will.

I just...

I just love television
so much.

We all do.

Liz, they want you and Pete
on the 50th floor.

Who, Gary? All right, tell him
I'll be up in half an hour.

No, they said now.

If they've got cookies up there,
grab some.

Ooh, and get them to pay
for my samovar.

Of course. I assume
that's what we're meeting about.

What about Ray Romano?
Can you do Ray?

Hey, aah, ho, Debra.

There you go.

My brother's tall!


Are we in trouble
or something?

No way.
Gary loves the show.

Pleased with the ratings.

Right, of course.
They love us.

Where's Gary?

Gary's dead.

I'm Jack Donaghy,

new VP of Development
for NBC-GE-Universal-Kmart.

We own Kmart now?


So, why are you dressed
like we do?

I'm surprised you're renovating.
This is such a nice office.

It's a great office,
but sometimes, you have to

change things
that are perfectly good

just to make them your own.


Uh, I'll call her back.

Is she at
the White House line? Great.

Tell them I need
a 4:00 A. M. tee-off time.

Uh, 5 inches,
but it's thick.

Are you familiar
with the GE trivection oven?

I don't cook very much.

Sure. I got you.

New York third-wave feminist,

single and pretending to be
happy about it,

overscheduled, undersexed.

You buy any magazine

that says "healthy body image"
on the cover.

And every two years,
you take up knitting for...

a week.

That is dead-on!

What, are you gonna
guess my weight now?

You don't want me
to do that.

That knitting thing is uncanny.
How do you do that?

Market research, my friend.

Years and years
of market research

which led to my greatest
triumph... the trivection oven.

Oh. My wife
wants one of those.

Can we get Pete an oven,

The GE trivection oven

cooks perfect food
five times faster

than a conventional oven

because it uses
three kinds of heat...

thermal technology
for consistent temperature,

GE precise
air-convection technology

for optimal
air circulation,

and microwave technology
for incredible speed.

With three kinds of heat,
you can cook a turkey...

in 22 minutes.

That is impressive.

The people upstairs think so.
That's why they promoted me.

That's why they sent me here
to retool your show.

Retool what, now?

I'm the new Vice President
of east-coast television

and microwave-oven

That sounds like
you program microwave ovens.

I like you.

You have the boldness
of a much-younger woman.

Lee, does my face
look bloated to you?

When I played that lady rapist
on "Law & Order,"

guess what the makeup guy
put on under my eyes

to take the puffiness out.

Hemorrhoid cream.

Miss Maroney, I have
the cat wrangler here for you.

Oh, is it
that horrible little... Hi.

Hey. Greta Johanssen...
short for Lugreta.

Hi. Great
to see you again.

You too.

I'm here to introduce you
to the feline actors

you're gonna be
working with tonight.

This is Poppo.

And this here
is Captain Boots.


Would you describe yourself
as cat-competent?

Oh, yes.
I love cats.

I used to have two cats.

But then I moved to this place
with hardwood floors,

so we had to
put them down.

I'm joking.

We've done several focus groups
on the show,

and what I've gleaned...

the blond,
big-eyed girl is popular

with women and older gays.

That's my friend Jenna.

And the kid with the funny hair
is liked by women,

but you're missing men
between 18 and 49.

I'm not missing them.
They're just not there.

I think I can fix that.

So, your job is you take things
that are already working,

and you fix them.

That's a great job.

Why don't we, uh...

You're missing
that third kind of heat.

I want you to think
about Tracy Jordan.

Okay, the black guy?

The black movie star.

I flew with him on a private jet
to the Super Bowl recently,

and I found him
very entertaining.

Isn't he, um... crazy?

Tracy's had his problems
in the last few years.

I am a Jedi!

I am a Jedi!

I am a Jedi!

The important thing
to remember is

he was never charged
with a crime.

It's not illegal to fall asleep
on your neighbor's roof.

Nor should it be.

Tracy Jordan
is the third heat.

I don't know where we're gonna
find room in the budget

for a guy
like Tracy Jordan.

I think I do.

What are you doing?

when I have these stress dreams,

if I go to sleep in the dream,
I come out of it.

"This is not a dream."

Tracy Jordan
is in New York today, Liz.

I'd like you
to have lunch with him.

We have a show tonight,
Mr. Donaghy.

I don't know
if your research covered this,

but we do a dress rehearsal
and then a live show.

That's tonight.
This is lunch.

If it's not a good fit,
I'll drop the whole thing.

If I meet with Tracy Jordan
and we mutually agree

that this is the worst idea
ever, you'll back off?

I'm known
for being reasonable.


Alfredo, 2:00 P. M.

I'm not dressed
for that.

You're dressed for Burger King.
Should we make it Burger King?

hang back for me.

Yeah, you bet.

Y'all, please set yourselves
for "Dr. Ridiculous."


What happened
to your head?

The sky is falling.

Do you have a pair
of dress pants or a skirt

or something
I could borrow?

Thank you, Lee.


Hey, you know
in that cat-lady sketch,

do I have to hold
a real cat?

Cat-lady sketch?
That thing's gonna get cut.

Oh, good.

Who's that?

That is
the new network dude.

Mmm, yummers.

He reminds me of Scotty
on "General Hospital."

No, ew, Jenna, do not like
that man. That is a bad man.

God, you have a gift.

Laura Bush
is your size.

Excuse me. Hi.
What are you doing down here?

I'm known
for being hands-on.


That's how you should dress
for work, by the way.

Yeah, if I was president
of the Philippines.

Now, Afghanistan
is a different situation.

I'll have an apple juice.

We don't
have apple juice, sir.

Then I'll take
a vodka and tonic.

Hi, I'm Liz Lemon.

I know who you are.

I thought there was a strict
dress code at this place.

I do recommend
the pumpkin ravioli.

They're very subtle.

So, Tracy, this Jack Donaghy guy
wanted me to talk to you

about joining the cast
of our show,

and I don't know
how you feel about that...

Let me ask you a question,
everybody at this table.

Did he just say
the word "pumpkin" to me?

Yes, um, pumpkin ravioli.


I'm buggin'. I can't do this.
I cannot eat here.

I can't eat here.

I got to go someplace where
they make food that I like.

Lemon, let's go.

I will not work
with Tracy Jordan.

It's just a rumor.

Have you seen
any of his movies?

The guy's sensibility
is just cretinous.

I saw the one
where he plays,

five different characters.

"Black Cop, White Cop."


"Who Dat Ninja"?

No, he... he had to pretend
to be this old lady.

Ooh, ooh, goodness gracious!

You hooligans
better watch out!

'Cause this
honky grandma be trippin'!

Oh, yeah,
that movie was hilarious.

I saw it,
like, five times.

Where's the love?

Right on. Hey,
let me get two half a chickens

and some pecan waffles.

Nothing for me.

I had, like,
four hot dogs this morning.

Eat, Lemon, eat.

I hate skinny women.

Hey, Lana, 10 beers.

So, Tracy,
we should talk about the show.

I ain't doing it unless
I can get to do it my way.

You know, I want it to be raw,
HBO-style content.

Well, it's not HBO.
It's TV.

And I don't think
that it's a good fit.

'Cause I'm gonna
drop truth bombs.

You know
how pissed off I was

when U S Weekly
said that I was on crack?

That's racist.
I'm not on crack.

I'm straight-up
mentally ill.


I got
mental-health issues.

Sure. Well, you know,
who doesn't, really?

Hey, has anyone seen Liz?
Or Pete?

She went out.

Well, who's in charge
when they're not here?

I'm in charge.

Oh. Okay.

Um, well,
I'm not sure about this costume.

I think it's hot.

Thank you.
I'm Jenna, by the way.

Miss Maroney, I got
the hemorrhoid cream you wanted.

It's for my face.

Well, wherever you're putting
it, I think it's working.

You know,
I don't think you'd like it,

'cause we work
a lot of hours

and it's live TV,
which is risky.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I like risky.

See, me and you,
we play the game.

We know
how to be acceptable.

"Hello, great meeting.
I drink coffee, please."

This show is our chance
to break the shackles.

'Cause the white dudes
want to see us fail.

What white dudes?

All of 'em.

Jack Donaghy, General Electric,
George Bush, Karl Robe.

Karl Robe, you say?

Affirmative action was designed
to keep women and minorities

in competition with each other,
to distract us

while white dudes inject AIDS
into our chicken nuggets.

That's a metaphor.


You should tell that
to U S Weekly.

Hey, Lemon,
you like karaoke?

I know a joint.

No, I've got to wrap up
this lunch meeting, Tracy.

I'll take you.
I'll take you.

I just got to make
a quick stop first.

You know what?

When people say
they need to make a quick stop,

they usually mean
at the bank or at the store.

No, thank you.

You know what?
This is for computer classes.

You know why
I should do this TV show, Lemon?

I really don't.

To get you rich.

'Cause you know if I'm on that
TV show, it's gonna blow up.

How do you know
I'm not rich?

Your teeth.

You got to think
like these strippers, Lemon.

They know the window
of opportunity

is only open for a moment.

You got to get in
while you're young,

get the money, and get out.

Yeah, well,
I'm not a sex worker, Tracy.

I don't have sex
for a living.

Neither do we.

Neither do they.

Yes, they do.

Where's my phone?

ß Whoa, whoa, whoa ß

ß Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa ß

ß We are strong! ß

ß No one can tell us
we're wrong! ß

ß Searching our hearts
for so long! ß

He's got charisma.

No, that's Charisma
over there.

"Girlie Show."

send me a car, okay?

What is your location?

Dark Sensations
in the Bronx.

I wish you were here.

Mr. Donaghy does not get us
showbiz people.

Let me talk to Pete,

Oh, Pete got fired
this morning.

That's so weird
that you don't know that.

Jack Donaghy thinks

he's gonna come into my house
and mess with my show?!

Hell no!

Jenna and I worked for years
to get this show.

You know,
I moved from Chicago for this.

From Chicago?

I was
in Scottie Pippin's wedding.

Now Donaghy
is trying to steal it from us.

He already fired Pete,
who is a great producer.

Fire Pete?
He can't fire Pete.

You know what?

I quit.
He can suck it.

Yeah, suck it, Pete.

No, you're not listening.
You're not a good listener.

20 minutes to air.

But Liz said we were
cutting the cat-lady sketch.

She said it stinks.

This is why Liz is wrong.
Animal humor is universal.

I just don't think
that I'm good in it.

Do you think
I'm good in it?

I think this is your opportunity
to go out there

and prove everybody wrong.

What? What do you mean?
Who's everybody?

The network
that wanted to fire you,

the focus groups
that said you had a weird eye...

You mean this eye?

Okay, this eye,
it doesn't open all the way

because when I was little,
my sister peed in it.

Tonight is your opportunity
to go out there

and change
all of our minds.


Where is Liz?!


Get down!

Four minutes to air.
That's four minutes to air.

Is Liz back yet?

No. Which cat
do you want Jenna to carry?

I'm sorry?

Which cat?

I want... that one.

Jack Donaghy to the forum,
please. Jack Donaghy.

Peanut's not an actor.
I just rescued her from a lab.

Hey, Lemon, I'll drop you off.
Where do you live?

The studio.

I want you
to drop me at the studio.

I want to tell Donaghy
to his face that I quit,

and I want to do it
in front of the whole crew

so that they know
he didn't fire me.

I want to see that.

ß It's time
for "The Girlie Show" ß

Oh, oh, pull over!
Pull over here!

Tracy, I don't have time
for this.

Right here.

This is where I grew up.

This is
the Jordan family estate?

Wasn't no Jordan family

This is where
I was in foster care.

Oh, sorry.

Me and two other dudes and
a girl with messed-up fingers.

I'm so lucky
I got out of here.

It's not luck.

I mean,
you got out of here

because you're very talented
and people love you and...

Are you peeing?

Where's Donaghy?
I want to talk to him right now.

Last time I saw him,
he was riding the crane camera.

Oh, I have Pete for you.

Pete, oh, my God,
I didn't know.

No, hey, listen,
it will give me a chance

to spend more time
with my kids.

I'm quitting.
I'm quitting right now.

No, no, no, no, no.

You have the best job in
New York. Don't quit over this.

Don't buy
all the hot dogs, okay?

I don't want to do this
without you.

Hey, I thought
we cut the cat-lady sketch.

We're two minutes short!

So, let me introduce myself.

My name is Lurlene Katz.
And these are my cats.

She's using a real cat?

I cast that cat myself.

Why, they are my...



No, no, no, no, he's okay!

I need you to talk
for two minutes.

About what?

All right.

These cats are more
than just pets, sir.

Excuse me.
Where's the manager?

I'm from the government,

and I'm here to inspect
your chicken nuggets.

Look at shorty.

This honky grandma
be trippin'!

What's up, America?!
I'm coming into your house live!

Let me hear you say,
"We love you, Tracy!"

We love you, Tracy!

I am the third heat!

He's brilliant.

Are you drunk?


Why did you fire Pete?

Why did you disappear
all night?

Is this some kind of
a power play?

Yeah, yeah,
it's not so fun being hands-on

with these bloodsuckers,
is it?

Can we talk about this
on Monday?

No, I want Pete back.

I want it in writing
that Jenna's job is safe.

And I want a cappuccino machine
for the writers' room.


I thought
you were gonna quit.

Yeah, well, you don't know
everything about me.

You weigh 127 pounds.


Oh, yeah!

Holla at your boy!

Hey, you will be hearing
from Peanut's lawyer.

Good night, sleep tight.

I can't wait to do this
with you every week.