2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 6, Episode 7 - And the Sophie Doll - full transcript

The girls take a bartending class to add cocktails to their menu; Sophie creates a creepy lookalike video monitor doll to keep tabs on her baby.

Here's your fish of the day.

That day is last Monday.

Excuse me, miss?

There's a hair in my meatloaf.

This never happens.

Oleg!

We got a H-34 at T-2!

A hair? That's impossible.

Let me put some pants on.

I am so sorry

that you ordered the meatloaf.

Shouldn't he be in a hairnet?

He should be in a prison.

Good news.

It's not mine.

That Propecia's really paying off.

Obviously, it's not mine. I'm blonde.

You're not blonde everywhere.

I love carpet-and-drapes talk.

I want my money back.

Me too.

Well, it ain't mine.

Last time my hair was this long,

I was a back-up dancer on Solid Gold.

Han!

We got a customer
with a hair up his butt

and one in his meatloaf.

Step aside.

Let an expert through.

Look, it's "Law and Order: SAD."

It's brown, somewhere between
coffee and burnt sienna,

cleaned hastily with a
combination shampoo-body wash.

Mm, this hair belongs
to a single white man

alone, and not by choice,
but so set in his ways...

Okay!

It's mine!

Next time you want a free meal,

order the fish of the day.

Am I right, ma'am?

Hey, can I order something?

I'm gonna need to see some ID.

I'm getting the itch
to hit the road again

and I'll need a new identity.

I'll have a Moscow Mule.

Uh, how about a Jolly Rancher shot?

They're one of our signature drinks,

served with a side of my finger-guns.

How about a Moscow Mule

since that's what I just ordered?

Oh, are you sure?

The shot glasses are made
of actual Jolly Ranchers.

Kids love 'em.

One Moscow Mule coming up.

All righty.

You don't know how to make one, do you?

No clue.

How 'bout I just make it myself?

Hmm, while you're at it,
I'll have a Jack and Coke.

Always wanted to know what was in that.

Max, what's that guy doing behind you?

Oh...

You know I never look
when they're back there.

Look, you can't let
people serve themselves.

Again, not everything
is a Hometown Buffet.

Uh, if it were, I'd be eating a biscuit

with macaroni and pudding on top.

People aren't ordering
our signature drinks.

They want real ones, and I only know

how to make the stuff on the menu.

And Molly lollipops,
which I call "Mollipops."

Then let me do it.

And is that why I slept for
three days after Halloween?

Can I get a greyhound?

Greyhound...

Oh...

I don't drive for them anymore.

Politics!

Uh, you heard the man.

We're not paying you
to just stand around.

You're not paying me at all.

Not with that attitude.

Believe me, if we could afford
a bartender, we'd hire one.

This obviously isn't
working out for either of us.

Ahem!

Was there a problem with your service?

Max, we need to talk about
what happened last night.

Oh, crap, you said you were on the pill.

We need someone at the dessert bar

who knows how to make real drinks.

Not that your "cigarette butt and tonic"

wasn't a hit.

You said we couldn't
afford a bartender...

or a mechanical bull,

which would have paid for itself by now.

Here's my idea.

We are going to bartending
school so we can...

and don't kick me... be the best...

no pinching, not my nose...

business we can be!

- G'doink.
- Oh.

You didn't say anything about G'doinks.

What do you think? 'Cause we're already

signed up and it's non-refundable.

I took your share out
of your piggy bong.

You stole from Cheech and Change?

Okay, you can say you hate the idea,

but you don't have to cry about it.

Man, this baby's more full of crap

than a Coldplay album.

Fine, I'll change your
diaper, but when you grow up,

you're going to have
to return the favor.

The diaper goes the other way!

Earl, did that doll just talk

or are the voices
telling me to kill again?

No, no, it's been yelling at me all day.

Between this and the police chatter

I pick up on my hearing aid,

it's like a damn party in my head.

Roger that.

Can this doll get any creepier?

Takes one to know one, Caroline.

Asked and answered.

Hey.

Can't a lady have a smoke and a tinkle

without having to worry about her baby?

You were watching us from the toilet?

Can't you just hold your nose
and hover like everyone else?

It's my surveillance doll. Look.

It's hooked up to an app in my phone.

Look, she's got

cameras in her eyeballs;

she's got a microphone in her mouth;

and look, a laser pointer in her butt.

Is that the American Girl
Doll PATRIOT Act edition?

Isn't she cute?

Look, she's like my twin,

only more alive.

Thank you

for keeping your eye on Barbara.

Aww.

Well, thanks so much.

I'd pay you, but I know you're
too proud to take the money.

Uh, actually, the medical
bills are piling up, Sophie.

- Well, see you later!
- And I could really use...

If you need a free babysitter, that guy.

Is it just me

or is it hot and blurry in here?

Pardon me, sir.

Oh, my God, Han.

You're covered in spots
and you're delirious.

You have chicken pox.

You also have chicken legs,
so I guess you're even.

Han, you have to go home.

You're contagious.

And not like my laugh.

Welcome to the Dinersburg Williams.

Who said that?

You did! You have to go home.

Well, I suppose I could get into bed

and Hulu a little Mindy Project.

And, boy, is she a project.

Han looked pretty unsteady.

Do you think someone should
make sure he gets home okay?

Don't worry so much. He'll be fine.

See? Fine.

I know this is just bartending class,

but gum, please?

That was chewing tobacco, FYI.

We need to take this seriously, Max.

Is that a pocket knife?

Uh, yeah.

How are they gonna know I was here

if I can't carve my
initials in the desk?

Maybe we should sit at
separate workstations.

I'm obviously gonna
be the top student here

and I don't want to
be associated with your

"rebel without health
insurance" attitude.

Fine, smell you later.

Hi.

I haven't been in a class

since I graduated from Wharton.

- It's an Ivy League...
- I went to Harvard.

Wharton was my safety school.

Max, do you still
have that pocket knife?

Okay, I think everyone is here.

Hi, my name is Gil Bronski

and I am in no rush to go home.

I live with my mother
and her three cats,

two of whom have diarrhea.

I thought it was an icebreaker.

No, it's a carpet-ruiner.

Oh, thanks, Julie.

Julie's killing it.

Now, you're probably all wondering,

"How did this former child actor

"briefly sidelined by
a 30-year drug addiction

find himself teaching
bartending school?"

Just got lucky?

Just got lucky!

Now, who can answer this?

He hasn't asked it yet, ass-kissers.

Churchill declared war while
sipping a Long Island Iced Tea.

The Magna Carta, French Revolution,

my three divorces,

what's the common denominator?

Booze, duh.

Booze, duh!

She didn't raise her hand.

Boy, we have got some eager
beavers here, don't we?

Ha, that's what my pimp told
us at our working brunch.

Now...

I have only one rule.

No...

Interruptions.

This is crazy; no one has
called me in six years.

I would have guessed longer.

Oh! Thanks, Julie.

Let's make some drinks!

Oh, my God. I love school so much.

How am I expected to know the difference

between a vodka sunrise
and a vodka sunset?

12 hours and a missing pair of pants.

Now, shh. I'm studying.

That was the first
homework I've ever done.

I've never seen you take
anything this seriously.

And you had rabies once.

Stop joking around. This is for school.

Where did you get those
glasses, The Golden Girls?

For the first time in my
life, I want to learn goodly.

Max, have we switched bodies?

If so, enjoy chlamydia.

I want to do well on this test.

I want to get a, uh...

what's the good letter?

It's an A.

And I think this is gonna be
the first time I don't get one.

I am just not connecting
to the material.

Like sci-fi comedy,
I mean, pick a lane.

Well, give me that book

'cause I'm gonna nail
this bartending exam

like it's some guy I
met at the grocery store.

Most of my tests just had
"see me" written at the top.

Mine always had,

"You've done it again,
Caroline Channing."

And I have to do it again.
Let me try making a drink.

Okay. Bartender?

Make me a Bloody Mary.

The drink, not my friend Mary Nichol

who got her period in fourth grade.

I have to get this.

I know the bloody part is tomato juice,

but what the hell is the Mary?

I should know. I've dated so many.

I'll give you a hint.

Rhymes with "schmodka."

Grodka!

That's not even a thing.
What is wrong with me?

Vodka.

Um, that was clam juice.

Sure was.

Pick up, hot...

doll.

The Sophie doll?

Well, it's covered in hair

so it'll pass as food around here.

Just get rid of it.

Sophie's constantly
using it to criticize me,

so I disconnected her app.

I mean, how many times
can she yell at me

to wash my hands after
going to the bathroom?

Every time?

That doll is driving me crazy.

Plus, I think I'm...

starting to have feelings for it.

Fine.

I'll take her.

I haven't had a possessed doll

since Chucky moved out in '09.

Now, he could make a Bloody Mary.

And a bloody Denise and a bloody Julio.

Speaking of creepy dolls come to life.

Han, if you have open
sores, you have to go home.

Not that it's stopped
anyone else who works here.

I can't go home.

I took an oatmeal bath
to get rid of the itching,

and it flooded my apartment.

I tried eating it down,

but I passed out and nearly suffocated.

Well, find a nice subway
bench to curl up on.

Or even a Subway sandwich.

You know how embarrassing it
would be to catch a disease

from a guy I haven't slept with?

What? Do I have something in my teeth?

Yes, of course. But not that.

Max, I think you have chicken pox.

Well, I could make this
less embarrassing for you.

We could have sex.

Ugh.

I can't believe that
little Outbreak monkey

gave me the pox!

If I get my mittens on
him, I'm gonna tear him

from tiny limb to tiny limb.

Best I stay in the bathroom then?

No.

Come on out, patient-zero-friends.

I need you to enter
your Netflix password.

It's "Han job 69."
You're the one who set it.

And thanks for letting me crash here.

I'm not sure you can legally
make me your butler for life,

but I did sign the contract.

I'm still feeling a little woozy.

Hello, Sophie.

Don't change the subject.

For the first time, I really
wanted to go to school.

I know I could fit
your head in my toilet,

but I wonder if I can get
your whole body in there.

Wow, you really put
the "bitch" in "itch."

Could you?

Ah, that's the stuff.

Now get my back.

You like that? Is it hard enough?

Am I hurting you?

Don't flatter yourself.

Don't stop till I get enough.

Won't that be easier if
Max takes her shirt off?

Oleg!

Are you spying on us?

Momma.

I am so screwed.

The bartending test is in two hours,

and I can't remember
what goes in a White Lady.

A bottle of chardonnay and then
a fat guy that makes her laugh.

Is that Caroline?

She sounds like she's
not wearing underwear.

How did Oleg get inside the doll?

Wish it was the first time I said that.

I got the app,

and now I have a Saturday night.

Oleg, have you seen my Sophie doll?

Uh... I haven't seen her.

Gotta go.

Wait, this thing works with any phone?

Oh, my God, Max, we can use the doll so

you can read me the ingredients
for drinks on the test.

You mean cheat? At school?

Wow, maybe we did switch bodies.

- Rats.
- Oh, thank God.

Is there any way I
could get either of you

to scratch my tum-tum?

Here.

Ooh.

The nails are real.

Ooh.

Nice shirt, nerd.

Ooh, nice shirt.

Thanks, Mr. B.

Any love for my shirt?

Mm, feels desperate.

Hey, where's Max?

A bunch of us are going
to Chili's after class.

Max is sick, but I'm totally free.

Mm, reservation's only for ten.

But Max isn't here,
so I can take her spot.

You'd think.

What's that?

Oh, this is my emotional support doll.

I brush her hair and it calms me down.

I'm not insane.

Hey, I've been saying that for 30 years!

All right, kiddies,

I need ten drinks in ten minutes.

Or, as a blacked-out me once said,

"Let's get this starty parted."

Begin.

Max, are you there?

Can you see the set-up?

I see you and Julie both

shop at Tommy Bah-Brown Nose.

Care for a cinnamon stick in your cocoa?

Never mind, a millipede carried it off.

How's school? Did anybody ask about me?

Tell Keith whassup.

And tell Dave whassup,
but not in front of Keith.

Max, focus.

The first drink I have
to make is a Negroni.

And I'll tell you how to make it

as soon as you relay a message to Jeff

that goes a lot like this:

whassup.

Max says, "Whassup, whassup."

Okay, I'm listening.

Gin.

No, that's not gin.

Did you even go to kindergarten?

It's the one right next to it.

Got it.

Wow, I am really cheating.

I am such a bad girl.

Here we go, hot cocoa Han-style.

Complete with a frothy
marshmallow layer.

Ooh, marshmallows.

And marshmallows, got it.

No, no, no, not you.

I was talking to Swiss Miss over here.

Aah...

choo.

Man, you are acting crazier than me

when I was stalking Tom Hanks.

It's okay, it's okay.

You spilled all over the book.

I can't read a thing. How is this okay?

Because...

that was your cocoa.

Mmm.

How do you like your
girl Swiss Miss now?

You better grab something
to dry this book off.

Bookoff? Is that a vodka?

I'm panicking. I'm gonna fail.

Aah!

Aw,

cheating on a bartending test?

I am gonna tell you the same
thing I told The Situation:

you take it on back to Jersey.

Good one, Mr. B.

Oh, thanks, Julie.

I am so sorry, Mr. Bronski.

Please don't fail me. I'll do anything.

- Oh.
- But nothing sexual.

Oh.

I mean, after all, it's
just bartending school.

I'm gonna take this doll with me.

She's gonna be our tenth at Chili's.

Hey, Mr. B, whassup!

Hi, Max.

I just can't get it out of my head.

It was terrible.

He ripped apart the doll
right in front of me.

And then this part I
couldn't even tell you,

I f...

- Failed?
- Farted!

You know how my stomach
gets when I'm upset.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

I woke up with me and Han spooning.

Which spoon were you?

The one with the stiffie
in her back for three hours.

Hey, everybody.

We just stopped in for
a Jolly Rancher shot

on our way to a live sex show.

Sophie, where's the baby?

Oh, she's with the babysitter.

Some perverted SOB stole my Sophie doll.

I realized that

it's okay not to watch baby Barbara

for 24-8.

You know, in Poland,
we get the extra day.

For dredging the lakes.

Why don't you go get us a table, Sophie?

Okay.

Any chance of getting that doll back?

I really underestimated how
strong my feelings for it were.

I know.

I was the one who walked
in on you brushing her hair.

And I was the one who asked
you not to repeat that.

I'll have a mojito.

Sorry, we don't do off-menu drinks.

I'm on it.

Bup-bup-bup!

One mojito coming up.

What are you doing? We failed the class.

Ooh, first time I
didn't fart saying that.

You failed.

Between studying and helping you cheat,

I learned how to make
every drink in that book.

Oh, my God, Max, you learned something.

I failed so you could succeed.

So in a way, I succeeded too.

You've done it again, Caroline Channing.

Oh, yeah!

Oh. The live sex show is here.