2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 6, Episode 5 - And the College Experience - full transcript
Max gives Caroline the party experience she never had when they're invited to speak about their business at the University of Pennsylvania.
Ladies and waitresses,
I am the great Han-dini!
Somewhere there's
a top of a wedding cake
missing its groom.
I went to traffic school this weekend
and was taught by a magician.
My traffic school was
taught by a comedian.
It wasn't funny, but at least I saw
what Jon Lovitz was up to.
Did you get a DWI?
Driving while itty-bitty?
(laughs)
I ran a series of red lights.
I received word there had
been a Squirtle sighting.
And now, I'm about to pull a rabbit
- out of a hat.
- Big deal.
I just pulled half a
raccoon out of the toilet.
Presto!
This is making me depressed-o.
Where are you?
(bell dings)
Pick up.
Salad with a rabbit on it.
He just can't serve a salad
without a hare in it.
(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
(cash register bell dings)
Amazing news:
I found a penny.
And our dessert bar is
in Time Out Magazine.
(gasps) Whoa! "Where are they now?
Pizza Rat!"
Not that. Our piece is right here
next to this Walking Dead ad.
Oh, wait, that's Michael Douglas.
So, the walking dead.
"Former scandal queen
Caroline Channing's
cozy Brooklyn dessert bar,
M&C's, that's beaut..."
"Caroline Channing's dessert bar"?
This place isn't like
your sex life, Caroline.
You're not doing it all by yourself.
I don't even do it by myself anymore.
I was talking too much,
and, look, I mentioned you right here.
"Partner."
I'm more than just the partner,
I'm the creative inspiration.
I'm Steve Jobs and you're the fat guy
that drives a Segway.
I tried to include you.
I told you the interview was on Monday,
and you said that's your whippit night.
Oh, I whipped it.
Whipped it good.
Caroline, back that ass up.
I don't want anyone
too close to my baby.
Is that why you dipped her in perfume?
I want everyone to treat little Barbara
like Mariah Carey
and never look directly in her eyes.
Is that why she's wearing sunglasses?
I just got off.
And also, I'm done with work.
Okay.
There's my girls.
We're not your girls, Oleg.
I have it in writing from a judge.
Oleg, give her some space.
Her spray tan hasn't even dried yet.
Sophie, I've been reading
a parenting blog called
"So, You've Ruined Your Life,"
and they say it's very important
for a dad to bond with his baby.
I think that's only
true for human dads.
Maybe you can bond with the baby later.
You know, like, when she has a baby.
I can't wait 12 years.
Sophie, I'm her father.
I helped make her.
This wasn't a Virgin Marski situation.
There was nothing immaculate
about this conception.
Well, the fun part's over now.
Yeah, she's mine.
Excuse you.
(thumping and clattering)
She's getting really good
with that thing.
I'm gonna do what I do
when all women tell me
not to be near them.
I'm gonna follow her.
Uh, Caroline Channing?
Hi, I'm Doug Reynolds,
I'm a professor at Wharton.
Hey, I went to Wharton.
Yeah, I know.
I saw your interview in Time Out.
You mentioned it several times.
Once when you were asked
where the dessert bar was located.
Well, it is east of Wharton.
You haven't heard her Wharton song.
♪ Wharton, Wharton, Wharton, Wharton ♪
♪ Wharton, Wharton, Wharton
Wharton, Wharton ♪
Yeah, it's not a great song,
but the story about
how you built your business
from the ashes of your father's infamy,
that's inspiring.
You're the business world's Rudy.
Well, now you're just quoting me.
Hi, I'm "Partner."
Howdy, Partner. (chuckles)
Hey, I teach a business class
over at Penn
because the stock market crashed
in 2008.
I would love it if
both of you would come
and talk to the students.
Like a scared-straight thing?
Not the pen.
Penn, the University of Pennsylvania.
- That's where Wharton is.
- Hmm.
If you'd listen to my whole song,
you'd hear it in the third verse.
We'd pay for your train to Philadelphia
and campus housing.
- Ooh.
- We'd love to come.
Right, partner?
And my parole officer,
mother, guidance counselor,
and the state of Rhode Island
said I'd never go to college.
I can get your email from the website.
I'll send you the info.
We have a site?
I hope there are no nudies of me on it
'cause Larry Flynt owns
the rights to my image.
- You know what this means?
- Uh...
(both) ♪ Wharton, Wharton,
Wharton, Wharton, Wharton ♪
♪ Wharton, Wharton, Wharton,
Wharton, Wharton, Wharton... ♪
One bong or two?
Max, this is a business trip.
We're not going to Comic-Con
with Woody Harrelson.
Wait, is that on the table?
Anyway, this is your trip
for the dessert bar.
So again, one bong or two?
I am never gonna live down
the "partner" thing, am I?
Like when I threw away those
bath salts to save your life.
(scoffs) I wasn't gonna eat your face.
I am not having this
argument with you again.
I'm not mad about the partner thing.
I'm excited to go to college.
I already told Randy,
and he's gonna send me a care package.
Emphasis on the package.
I broke up
with my high school boyfriend
when I went to college
just to keep my options open.
Pfft, you're in Time Out
New York with Pizza Rat.
What's that loser doing now?
It was Mark Zuckerberg.
Just tell me about
the parties at college
'cause that's the only
reason I'm going.
Oh,
they were epic.
You know what they say,
if you remember the parties at Wharton,
you weren't there.
You weren't here, were you?
- No.
- Okay.
But some of those
all-night study sessions
got pretty punchy.
Like whackadoo.
You're making me punchy right now.
(knocks on door)
Hey, girls,
Oleg isn't here, is he?
Do you hear us screaming
"get out" or "put that away"?
He keeps wanting to bond with the baby.
Why can't he be more
like the men in Poland?
Why can't he be in
Poland is my question.
I mean, they wouldn't even be in
the same room as their baby girl
until it was time to sell her off.
You know, my father's
first words to me were,
"Next item up for bid."
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but Oleg's not wrong here.
He's wrong, literally, everywhere else.
(knocks on door)
Oh, it must be Oleg.
- Hide us.
- Hide you?
That carriage can be seen from space.
All right, tell Oleg I'm
definitely not in the barn.
Yeah, now,
I'm gonna be in the barn.
This is where we put up grad students
and occasional guest lecturers
who are too poor to stay in a hotel.
Losers.
You guys got any towels?
You'll have to forgive Max.
She's just excited to be here.
We know, obviously,
there'll be a bath sheet
and a hand towel for each of us.
Right?
And here's your bedroom.
I'm the RA, but don't worry,
I'm not super uptight.
Just no noise after 10:00
or I'll come at you hard.
You'll have no problems from us.
I was an RA when I went to school here.
I'm Caroline Channing.
The.
Caroline Channing?
You're Buzzkill Channing?
I knew Caroline wasn't your real name.
You're the most legendary
RA we've ever had.
I heard you once threw a kid
out of a second-story window.
That's just a myth,
but a hookah pipe did take flight.
(laughs)
And I was a hookah
by the airport.
Well, it's an honor to
have your here, Buzzkill.
I'm gonna have to search
your trash bag before you leave.
Everything good's gonna be in my butt.
She's fun.
Okay, let's unpack,
get our shower buckets organized.
I'm unpacked. Let's go par-tois.
How many flasks do you have?
I already took two away from you.
Now, you be the audience.
I need to practice my
speech for tomorrow.
We need to party.
Tonight needs to end
with us driving a police car
into a fountain on the
quad or it is a fail.
I am not here to party.
I am here to... to show people
with determination and perspiration,
you can become an inspiration.
Max, what do you think of that?
Max?
Max?
I'm not organizing your shower bucket.
(door opens)
Caroline, are you awake?
No.
It's cool, she's up. Come on in.
(indistinct chatter)
(gasps) Who are these people?
I'm sorry, but we had to leave the bar.
The roof was on fire.
At first we thought the DJ was just
getting the party started,
but it actually was.
Anyway, we'll try not to keep it down.
(indistinct chatter)
Okay, who's next? I washed it out.
Nobody else throw up in this thing.
I mean it.
After I crush this,
you wanna come back to my dorm room?
I have a junior suite.
You're sweet, Junior
but I have a boyfriend
who could be your father.
He also could be my father,
I've never met the man.
Uh, Buzzkill, 3:00.
Just a minute, young man.
There is no underage drinking here.
This is college.
(cell phone ringing)
Hello?
Oh, hi, Oleg.
I lost Sophie again.
She's like a sexy set of car keys.
(gasps) Hey!
No random, uncommitted sex here.
This is college.
I have a computer full of
videos that says you're wrong.
CAROLINE (over phone):
Oleg, I can't talk now.
I have my own problems.
I don't know where the RA is,
so I've had to step up.
We're like the Marines
of no funny business.
(gasps) That better not be a joint.
(sniffs) Yeah, that's
a doobie, brother.
Sophie won't even let me feed Barbara.
She says fathers aren't equipped
for the job.
Well, she does have a point.
You don't have boobs.
Anyone ever tell you
you're a real buzzkill?
(gasps) I have to go.
I hear zippers unzipping.
Were you just on the phone
with Poison Control?
Because I told you,
Steve's gonna be fine.
See? Breathing, I think.
Now take off your top and
shotgun a beer with me.
Max, my speech is tomorrow,
and this top gets a lot of compliments.
I just want you to have
fun at college for once.
Can you do that for me?
I do things for you all the time.
You remember when I told your date
it was Chestnut that farted.
Fine.
If I have one drink,
will you roll Steve out of here
and get everyone to leave?
All: (chanting) Buzzkill!
(electronic music playing)
- Whoo! All: (cheering)
Who's the buzzkill now, bitches?
(cheering)
Ah...
corrupting dorks is meaningful work.
Who wants to see me
pretend bang Steve again?
(cheering)
Do it for real!
(laughs)
Caroline, what are you doing?
You of all people should know,
you can't have a party here.
This is college.
Pfft, get off my back, narc.
Ooh, who's this?
My fiancé.
Guess we gotta make it even.
♪
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, I love College Caroline
so much more than all other Carolines.
♪
(exhales) Damn, college is fun.
I'm glad I went.
Oh, no, I'm late!
That's impossible.
You haven't had sex in years.
Also, you look like
an Italian grandmother.
(gasps and screams) Oh, my God!
Who did this to me?
This was the compromise.
They wanted to shave your head.
(gasps)
I am still a little drunk,
and I forget what was in my speech,
and I look like a very
pretty Burt Reynolds
and this is all your fault!
Is the implication here
that Burt Reynolds isn't pretty?
Yes, it is my fault for forcing you
to have the time of your life
and make out with those dudes.
Max, you don't even...
dudes?
Plural?
How many dudes?
I lost count after the third Chet.
I can't believe you did this to me.
It was more like you doing it to them.
Max, I am serious right now.
(exhales sharply)
Calm down, Luigi.
(exhales) Max, I know you were mad
about the Time Out interview
and the "partner" thing,
but I can't believe you
sabotaged me on purpose.
Okay, first of all,
I don't think about you that much.
I am sorry I didn't give you credit,
but ruining this for
me is so much worse.
This was gonna be my comeback.
I wasn't mad.
You were the only one upset about it.
I don't care about that stuff.
Honestly, I just wanted
you to have a good time.
I didn't need to have a good time.
I needed to make people jealous.
Who's gonna be jealous of me now?
Guys that can't grow facial hair?
Look, you were great at school
and last night you were great
at having fun at school.
You're lucky. I have last night,
but I'll never get to have both.
What're you talking about?
You're the smart one.
You deserve your moment of triumph,
but you also deserve
not to be Buzzkill Channing
for the rest of your life.
You really weren't mad
about the interview?
A little,
but I'm always a little mad at you.
I'm sorry if I screwed things up.
You don't have to be.
I really did have fun, Max.
See if you like the googly-eyes
I drew around your nipples.
Fun how they go in
different directions.
Sorry we're late.
I had to scrub the
googly-eyes off my...
bicycle traffic.
Well, let's get started.
I'm supposed to have lunch
with my son, Steve.
We had a little fight last night
before he left for a party.
If anything ever happened
to him, I'd be devastated.
Praying for a different Steve.
Wow, you made out with half
the people in this room.
I'm pretty sure you got
one of the Chets pregnant.
Caroline Channing is
an alumni of Wharton,
and also the brains behind
a thriving new dessert bar in Brooklyn,
and she is here to tell
us how she did it.
Oh, also, um, whoever
keeps writing "wash me"
in the back of my car,
there's no R in wash.
Caroline.
It is a great honor to be here today.
I learned a lot
at this fine institution.
Hard work, integrity,
a lot of math I'll never use.
There are a lot of smart people here,
but the smartest person I know,
I met waiting tables in a diner.
Max, turn around.
The other way.
And I am proud to call her my partner.
(coughs) Gay.
This woman is the
reason I'm here today.
She should be giving the speech
because she's how I did it.
Her name is Max Black.
(light applause)
Um, what're you doing? You're leaving?
They're jealous enough,
and I want you to have your moment.
You should get to have both too.
And also, chug-chug has to puke-puke.
And, uh, all right...
I didn't go to college,
but after spending some time here,
I think I could teach you a few things.
Beer...
before liquor,
never sicker.
Liquor before beer,
never fear.
And weed before and after everything.
Also, pimps up, hos down.
Never...
get high on your own supply,
and, most importantly,
shake ya ass,
but watch yourself.
You should be taking notes.
This'll be on the midterm.
Well, like most people
straight out of college,
I'm at a job I don't wanna be at.
That's right.
She went back and got her
degree in "Make-out Slut."
And we may have killed a guy.
I may have too.
I drove here without my glasses.
You know, in Poland,
girls don't go to college.
They drop them in a lake,
and whoever doesn't drown is a witch.
Doesn't that make you a witch, Sophie?
No comment.
If it isn't Magic No-Johnson.
Pick a card,
and don't show me what it is.
Don't worry, I'll hold it
well above four feet.
Whatever puts the card
in your hands, toots.
Was this your card?
Nope, it was the Queen of Hearts.
Oh, my God,
Han's a witch too!
Drown him!
I did it.
What hell have I unleashed?
Whatever it is,
keep it in your training pants.
I should have just
done traffic school online,
but, no, Han wanted to meet people.
Sophie,
I think I found the solution
to all our problems.
(gasps)
Microwave in the headboard?
I've told you repeatedly,
the science just isn't there yet.
Make sure I get an email
when it is there.
This is about us
and Barbara.
I want to be more involved.
That's why I got these.
Moobs...
To feed Barbara with.
Great, now I'm jealous of Oleg's rack.
If he puts Dr. Pepper in there,
so am I.
Oleg,
tell me you kept your ding-dong.
Oh, yeah.
I'm just Mrs. Doubtfiring
it for the time being.
We've gotta get that
kid out of that house.
Well, you know what, Barbara?
You're really lucky to
have such a good father.
I guess I have been
bogarting baby Barbara.
Yeah, it really is sweet
that you did that, Oleg.
My eyes are up here, Caroline.
We're out of milk in the kitchen.
I really hope Earl milking Oleg
is our rock bottom.
It won't be.
(cash register bell dings)
I am the great Han-dini!
Somewhere there's
a top of a wedding cake
missing its groom.
I went to traffic school this weekend
and was taught by a magician.
My traffic school was
taught by a comedian.
It wasn't funny, but at least I saw
what Jon Lovitz was up to.
Did you get a DWI?
Driving while itty-bitty?
(laughs)
I ran a series of red lights.
I received word there had
been a Squirtle sighting.
And now, I'm about to pull a rabbit
- out of a hat.
- Big deal.
I just pulled half a
raccoon out of the toilet.
Presto!
This is making me depressed-o.
Where are you?
(bell dings)
Pick up.
Salad with a rabbit on it.
He just can't serve a salad
without a hare in it.
(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
(cash register bell dings)
Amazing news:
I found a penny.
And our dessert bar is
in Time Out Magazine.
(gasps) Whoa! "Where are they now?
Pizza Rat!"
Not that. Our piece is right here
next to this Walking Dead ad.
Oh, wait, that's Michael Douglas.
So, the walking dead.
"Former scandal queen
Caroline Channing's
cozy Brooklyn dessert bar,
M&C's, that's beaut..."
"Caroline Channing's dessert bar"?
This place isn't like
your sex life, Caroline.
You're not doing it all by yourself.
I don't even do it by myself anymore.
I was talking too much,
and, look, I mentioned you right here.
"Partner."
I'm more than just the partner,
I'm the creative inspiration.
I'm Steve Jobs and you're the fat guy
that drives a Segway.
I tried to include you.
I told you the interview was on Monday,
and you said that's your whippit night.
Oh, I whipped it.
Whipped it good.
Caroline, back that ass up.
I don't want anyone
too close to my baby.
Is that why you dipped her in perfume?
I want everyone to treat little Barbara
like Mariah Carey
and never look directly in her eyes.
Is that why she's wearing sunglasses?
I just got off.
And also, I'm done with work.
Okay.
There's my girls.
We're not your girls, Oleg.
I have it in writing from a judge.
Oleg, give her some space.
Her spray tan hasn't even dried yet.
Sophie, I've been reading
a parenting blog called
"So, You've Ruined Your Life,"
and they say it's very important
for a dad to bond with his baby.
I think that's only
true for human dads.
Maybe you can bond with the baby later.
You know, like, when she has a baby.
I can't wait 12 years.
Sophie, I'm her father.
I helped make her.
This wasn't a Virgin Marski situation.
There was nothing immaculate
about this conception.
Well, the fun part's over now.
Yeah, she's mine.
Excuse you.
(thumping and clattering)
She's getting really good
with that thing.
I'm gonna do what I do
when all women tell me
not to be near them.
I'm gonna follow her.
Uh, Caroline Channing?
Hi, I'm Doug Reynolds,
I'm a professor at Wharton.
Hey, I went to Wharton.
Yeah, I know.
I saw your interview in Time Out.
You mentioned it several times.
Once when you were asked
where the dessert bar was located.
Well, it is east of Wharton.
You haven't heard her Wharton song.
♪ Wharton, Wharton, Wharton, Wharton ♪
♪ Wharton, Wharton, Wharton
Wharton, Wharton ♪
Yeah, it's not a great song,
but the story about
how you built your business
from the ashes of your father's infamy,
that's inspiring.
You're the business world's Rudy.
Well, now you're just quoting me.
Hi, I'm "Partner."
Howdy, Partner. (chuckles)
Hey, I teach a business class
over at Penn
because the stock market crashed
in 2008.
I would love it if
both of you would come
and talk to the students.
Like a scared-straight thing?
Not the pen.
Penn, the University of Pennsylvania.
- That's where Wharton is.
- Hmm.
If you'd listen to my whole song,
you'd hear it in the third verse.
We'd pay for your train to Philadelphia
and campus housing.
- Ooh.
- We'd love to come.
Right, partner?
And my parole officer,
mother, guidance counselor,
and the state of Rhode Island
said I'd never go to college.
I can get your email from the website.
I'll send you the info.
We have a site?
I hope there are no nudies of me on it
'cause Larry Flynt owns
the rights to my image.
- You know what this means?
- Uh...
(both) ♪ Wharton, Wharton,
Wharton, Wharton, Wharton ♪
♪ Wharton, Wharton, Wharton,
Wharton, Wharton, Wharton... ♪
One bong or two?
Max, this is a business trip.
We're not going to Comic-Con
with Woody Harrelson.
Wait, is that on the table?
Anyway, this is your trip
for the dessert bar.
So again, one bong or two?
I am never gonna live down
the "partner" thing, am I?
Like when I threw away those
bath salts to save your life.
(scoffs) I wasn't gonna eat your face.
I am not having this
argument with you again.
I'm not mad about the partner thing.
I'm excited to go to college.
I already told Randy,
and he's gonna send me a care package.
Emphasis on the package.
I broke up
with my high school boyfriend
when I went to college
just to keep my options open.
Pfft, you're in Time Out
New York with Pizza Rat.
What's that loser doing now?
It was Mark Zuckerberg.
Just tell me about
the parties at college
'cause that's the only
reason I'm going.
Oh,
they were epic.
You know what they say,
if you remember the parties at Wharton,
you weren't there.
You weren't here, were you?
- No.
- Okay.
But some of those
all-night study sessions
got pretty punchy.
Like whackadoo.
You're making me punchy right now.
(knocks on door)
Hey, girls,
Oleg isn't here, is he?
Do you hear us screaming
"get out" or "put that away"?
He keeps wanting to bond with the baby.
Why can't he be more
like the men in Poland?
Why can't he be in
Poland is my question.
I mean, they wouldn't even be in
the same room as their baby girl
until it was time to sell her off.
You know, my father's
first words to me were,
"Next item up for bid."
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but Oleg's not wrong here.
He's wrong, literally, everywhere else.
(knocks on door)
Oh, it must be Oleg.
- Hide us.
- Hide you?
That carriage can be seen from space.
All right, tell Oleg I'm
definitely not in the barn.
Yeah, now,
I'm gonna be in the barn.
This is where we put up grad students
and occasional guest lecturers
who are too poor to stay in a hotel.
Losers.
You guys got any towels?
You'll have to forgive Max.
She's just excited to be here.
We know, obviously,
there'll be a bath sheet
and a hand towel for each of us.
Right?
And here's your bedroom.
I'm the RA, but don't worry,
I'm not super uptight.
Just no noise after 10:00
or I'll come at you hard.
You'll have no problems from us.
I was an RA when I went to school here.
I'm Caroline Channing.
The.
Caroline Channing?
You're Buzzkill Channing?
I knew Caroline wasn't your real name.
You're the most legendary
RA we've ever had.
I heard you once threw a kid
out of a second-story window.
That's just a myth,
but a hookah pipe did take flight.
(laughs)
And I was a hookah
by the airport.
Well, it's an honor to
have your here, Buzzkill.
I'm gonna have to search
your trash bag before you leave.
Everything good's gonna be in my butt.
She's fun.
Okay, let's unpack,
get our shower buckets organized.
I'm unpacked. Let's go par-tois.
How many flasks do you have?
I already took two away from you.
Now, you be the audience.
I need to practice my
speech for tomorrow.
We need to party.
Tonight needs to end
with us driving a police car
into a fountain on the
quad or it is a fail.
I am not here to party.
I am here to... to show people
with determination and perspiration,
you can become an inspiration.
Max, what do you think of that?
Max?
Max?
I'm not organizing your shower bucket.
(door opens)
Caroline, are you awake?
No.
It's cool, she's up. Come on in.
(indistinct chatter)
(gasps) Who are these people?
I'm sorry, but we had to leave the bar.
The roof was on fire.
At first we thought the DJ was just
getting the party started,
but it actually was.
Anyway, we'll try not to keep it down.
(indistinct chatter)
Okay, who's next? I washed it out.
Nobody else throw up in this thing.
I mean it.
After I crush this,
you wanna come back to my dorm room?
I have a junior suite.
You're sweet, Junior
but I have a boyfriend
who could be your father.
He also could be my father,
I've never met the man.
Uh, Buzzkill, 3:00.
Just a minute, young man.
There is no underage drinking here.
This is college.
(cell phone ringing)
Hello?
Oh, hi, Oleg.
I lost Sophie again.
She's like a sexy set of car keys.
(gasps) Hey!
No random, uncommitted sex here.
This is college.
I have a computer full of
videos that says you're wrong.
CAROLINE (over phone):
Oleg, I can't talk now.
I have my own problems.
I don't know where the RA is,
so I've had to step up.
We're like the Marines
of no funny business.
(gasps) That better not be a joint.
(sniffs) Yeah, that's
a doobie, brother.
Sophie won't even let me feed Barbara.
She says fathers aren't equipped
for the job.
Well, she does have a point.
You don't have boobs.
Anyone ever tell you
you're a real buzzkill?
(gasps) I have to go.
I hear zippers unzipping.
Were you just on the phone
with Poison Control?
Because I told you,
Steve's gonna be fine.
See? Breathing, I think.
Now take off your top and
shotgun a beer with me.
Max, my speech is tomorrow,
and this top gets a lot of compliments.
I just want you to have
fun at college for once.
Can you do that for me?
I do things for you all the time.
You remember when I told your date
it was Chestnut that farted.
Fine.
If I have one drink,
will you roll Steve out of here
and get everyone to leave?
All: (chanting) Buzzkill!
(electronic music playing)
- Whoo! All: (cheering)
Who's the buzzkill now, bitches?
(cheering)
Ah...
corrupting dorks is meaningful work.
Who wants to see me
pretend bang Steve again?
(cheering)
Do it for real!
(laughs)
Caroline, what are you doing?
You of all people should know,
you can't have a party here.
This is college.
Pfft, get off my back, narc.
Ooh, who's this?
My fiancé.
Guess we gotta make it even.
♪
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, I love College Caroline
so much more than all other Carolines.
♪
(exhales) Damn, college is fun.
I'm glad I went.
Oh, no, I'm late!
That's impossible.
You haven't had sex in years.
Also, you look like
an Italian grandmother.
(gasps and screams) Oh, my God!
Who did this to me?
This was the compromise.
They wanted to shave your head.
(gasps)
I am still a little drunk,
and I forget what was in my speech,
and I look like a very
pretty Burt Reynolds
and this is all your fault!
Is the implication here
that Burt Reynolds isn't pretty?
Yes, it is my fault for forcing you
to have the time of your life
and make out with those dudes.
Max, you don't even...
dudes?
Plural?
How many dudes?
I lost count after the third Chet.
I can't believe you did this to me.
It was more like you doing it to them.
Max, I am serious right now.
(exhales sharply)
Calm down, Luigi.
(exhales) Max, I know you were mad
about the Time Out interview
and the "partner" thing,
but I can't believe you
sabotaged me on purpose.
Okay, first of all,
I don't think about you that much.
I am sorry I didn't give you credit,
but ruining this for
me is so much worse.
This was gonna be my comeback.
I wasn't mad.
You were the only one upset about it.
I don't care about that stuff.
Honestly, I just wanted
you to have a good time.
I didn't need to have a good time.
I needed to make people jealous.
Who's gonna be jealous of me now?
Guys that can't grow facial hair?
Look, you were great at school
and last night you were great
at having fun at school.
You're lucky. I have last night,
but I'll never get to have both.
What're you talking about?
You're the smart one.
You deserve your moment of triumph,
but you also deserve
not to be Buzzkill Channing
for the rest of your life.
You really weren't mad
about the interview?
A little,
but I'm always a little mad at you.
I'm sorry if I screwed things up.
You don't have to be.
I really did have fun, Max.
See if you like the googly-eyes
I drew around your nipples.
Fun how they go in
different directions.
Sorry we're late.
I had to scrub the
googly-eyes off my...
bicycle traffic.
Well, let's get started.
I'm supposed to have lunch
with my son, Steve.
We had a little fight last night
before he left for a party.
If anything ever happened
to him, I'd be devastated.
Praying for a different Steve.
Wow, you made out with half
the people in this room.
I'm pretty sure you got
one of the Chets pregnant.
Caroline Channing is
an alumni of Wharton,
and also the brains behind
a thriving new dessert bar in Brooklyn,
and she is here to tell
us how she did it.
Oh, also, um, whoever
keeps writing "wash me"
in the back of my car,
there's no R in wash.
Caroline.
It is a great honor to be here today.
I learned a lot
at this fine institution.
Hard work, integrity,
a lot of math I'll never use.
There are a lot of smart people here,
but the smartest person I know,
I met waiting tables in a diner.
Max, turn around.
The other way.
And I am proud to call her my partner.
(coughs) Gay.
This woman is the
reason I'm here today.
She should be giving the speech
because she's how I did it.
Her name is Max Black.
(light applause)
Um, what're you doing? You're leaving?
They're jealous enough,
and I want you to have your moment.
You should get to have both too.
And also, chug-chug has to puke-puke.
And, uh, all right...
I didn't go to college,
but after spending some time here,
I think I could teach you a few things.
Beer...
before liquor,
never sicker.
Liquor before beer,
never fear.
And weed before and after everything.
Also, pimps up, hos down.
Never...
get high on your own supply,
and, most importantly,
shake ya ass,
but watch yourself.
You should be taking notes.
This'll be on the midterm.
Well, like most people
straight out of college,
I'm at a job I don't wanna be at.
That's right.
She went back and got her
degree in "Make-out Slut."
And we may have killed a guy.
I may have too.
I drove here without my glasses.
You know, in Poland,
girls don't go to college.
They drop them in a lake,
and whoever doesn't drown is a witch.
Doesn't that make you a witch, Sophie?
No comment.
If it isn't Magic No-Johnson.
Pick a card,
and don't show me what it is.
Don't worry, I'll hold it
well above four feet.
Whatever puts the card
in your hands, toots.
Was this your card?
Nope, it was the Queen of Hearts.
Oh, my God,
Han's a witch too!
Drown him!
I did it.
What hell have I unleashed?
Whatever it is,
keep it in your training pants.
I should have just
done traffic school online,
but, no, Han wanted to meet people.
Sophie,
I think I found the solution
to all our problems.
(gasps)
Microwave in the headboard?
I've told you repeatedly,
the science just isn't there yet.
Make sure I get an email
when it is there.
This is about us
and Barbara.
I want to be more involved.
That's why I got these.
Moobs...
To feed Barbara with.
Great, now I'm jealous of Oleg's rack.
If he puts Dr. Pepper in there,
so am I.
Oleg,
tell me you kept your ding-dong.
Oh, yeah.
I'm just Mrs. Doubtfiring
it for the time being.
We've gotta get that
kid out of that house.
Well, you know what, Barbara?
You're really lucky to
have such a good father.
I guess I have been
bogarting baby Barbara.
Yeah, it really is sweet
that you did that, Oleg.
My eyes are up here, Caroline.
We're out of milk in the kitchen.
I really hope Earl milking Oleg
is our rock bottom.
It won't be.
(cash register bell dings)