2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 6, Episode 4 - And the Godmama Drama - full transcript

So it's a tequila shot on
top of Devil's food cake.

We can call it Satan's nipple.

Okay, but I think the menu's
already a little nipple heavy.

As am I.

Girls, two questions...

- No.
- And no.

I was coming to see how baby
Barbara's baptism was coming.

Also, what drink goes best
with a heavy muscle relaxer?

I'd try the nipple-tini
or the piña co-nipple.

Oleg, are you okay?

I haven't seen you this
wound up since California

passed that law to make
porn actors wear condoms.

It ruins the visuals.

You're the godparents,
and my mama is coming

all the way from
the Ukraine for this baptism,

so it's got to be
balls to the walls perfect.

Not that balls on walls
isn't a fun theme,

but I'm thinking of going
another way

with the baptism party,

what with there being
a child involved.

Now, if you don't mind,
we're not supposed to be

at the diner for 10 minutes,
so we'll see you there

in like an hour.

What's this? Eh, doesn't matter.

(coughs)

Whatever it is,
put that on the menu.

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
*2 BROKE GIRLS*
Season 06 Episode 04
"And the Godmama Drama"

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
Corrected by srjanapala

Caroline, did you get
my RSVP to the baptism?

Sure did, two seconds
after I sent the evite.

Sorry about the lag time.

I thought I was
being punked again.

But, I'm happy to help
on an official level.

I've been involved in many
baptisms at my church.

The Church of Latter Day Smurfs?

For your information,
I've achieved a position

of some stature.

Papa Smurf?

It's not a Smurf church!

I want to be the altar boy.

Okay, but no Communion wine
for you.

You get slutty when you drink.

Oh, look, Oleg's mom's here.

More clean-shaven
than I expected.

Really, girls? Mom jokes?

Oleg.

Mama!

My gorgeous, beautiful,
sexy baby boy.

He didn't tell us she was blind.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

Should we stop this before Oleg
becomes his own step-father?

To think I made this.

You win some, you lose some.

I look fantastic, eh?

I've been doing Pilatskis.

Like Pilates, only
instead of rubber bands

you do it with
big airplane tires.

Oh, mama, you're back to
your shot-putting weight.

Ahh.

Feel my thigh, eh? Squeeze it.

Harder.

Harder!

All right, now punch it.

Like mother/son fight club.

Hi, I'm Caroline Channing.

They're making a movie about me,

but I'm just a regular person.

That they're making
a movie about.

I'm Max Black... I'm sure you've
heard about me from Oleg

or Channel 7 Scam Busters.

Oh, and this is Earl.
He runs the register,

and he's the reason we know
our defibrillator works.

Yeah, thanks for bringing me
back from heaven, girls.

If you need a place to crash,
my roommate is out of town

for the weekend.

Mm, well,
I do like Black Russians,

so we're halfway there.

Sorry, Earl, she's spoken for.
She's dating my Uncle Oleg.

Well, if you two ever
decide to tie the knot,

I am a Universal Life Minister.

Did I mention my roommate's out

of town for the weekend?

I'm only asking 'cause I forgot.

Mrs. Golishevsky, Han Lee,
your son's boss.

He's a great...

A good...

We haven't had to... Welcome!

Max and I are the godparents,
Mrs. Golishevsky.

I know what you're thinking:

I look too young
to have a godbaby.

Don't tell me what I'm thinking.

Two godmommies? Really?

All right, no, I get it.
I'm very hip.

Who among us has
not kissed a woman?

Han.

It was a pleasure to...

You seem...

I'm so happy we...

Catch you later.

Hey, everybody.

I would've gotten here sooner,
but Teresa Giudice

was on Hoda & Kathie Lee,
and Barbara wanted to watch.

It's okay... She's strapped in.

This is my beautiful wife and my
beautiful baby mama, mama.

It's a pleasure, I know.

How can you listen to
that accent all day long?

Yikes.

Yikes?

It means... she yikes it.

Oh, there she is.

Little baby Bair-bra.

You know, I would have
named her Bohuslava.

Isn't that
a prettier name, Oleg?

(spits)

No, we like Barbara,
don't we, Oleg?

Anybody gonna put in
an order around here?

Wow, haven't been
to a church in, uh...

Have I ever been to a church?

If I burst into flames,
you can have all my possessions.

Great, I'm really looking
forward to owning

two bongs and a treasure map.

Oh, that's just a place mat
from Bubba Gump's.

Learned that the hard way.

Hi, Mrs. Golishevsky.

You look so nice.

I don't look nice.
I look fantastic.

This is Father Kozac.

He will be performing
the baptism.

Yes, and I also perform
in an R&B group.

You may have heard of us:
Altar Boys to Men?

You two have to wear
this on your heads,

to show respect for God.

And also because most
Ukrainian women are bald.

Hands up! Give me the baby!

All rightsky,
should we get started?

Em, here you go, Max.

Oh, hmm.

What, like a hot-potato
situation?

Before the baptism, the father
will question you about

guiding the spiritual life
of the child.

You know, taking her to church,

making sure she only wears pants

to drive the tractor.

Yeah, then I will say a prayer,

you hand me the baby...

(thud)

And I will baptize her like so.

Eh?

So basically we're just
waterboarding a baby.

Excuse me, do you know
what a baptism is?

No, she knows, she's just shy.

So, Max, do you pray?

Oh, she prays all
the time, right, Max?

I'm always hearing her
in her bedroom say,

"Oh God, oh God, oh God!"

One of those times was
because an owl got in there.

So do you have a good
relationship with the Father?

Uh, well, he took off
before I was born, so,

all I know about him is he
makes really great decisions.

No, no, now, that is
not the father I mean.

I mean that one.

Oh, Santa Claus?

I want to, but every house
in one night?

Come on.

She got hit in the head
with a softball recently.

No, not Santa Claus!

What do you think,
this is some kind of joke?

You are not fit to be my
granddaughter's godmommies,

I don't care how much
I hate her name.

Kaputzki.

God, oh God, oh God.

What? Did an owl get in here?

I can't believe we
got fired as godmothers.

I've never been fired before.

And don't bring up that
Habitat for Humanity thing.

We mutually parted ways.

Yeah, and then you guys
never finished my house.

(knocking)

Hey, girls.

Hey, look at this new machine.

It's like a radio
that monitors the baby.

Live from upstairs,
it's W-B-A-B-Y!

It's a great thing
if you're not home,

or you just don't
trust your baby.

I'm assuming you haven't
talked to Mrs. Golishevsky

since you're not
scream-crying at us.

I am now!

What happened at the rehearsal?

Um, everything's fine,
but Mrs. Golishevsky

fired us as godparents.

She really did
not like Caroline.

I am not the one she put
a thousand year curse on.

I got it down to 500.

Oh, she can't just come up here

and fire my godparents
and drink my beer

and talk over
American Ninja Warrior.

Sophie, she's only here
for another week, and then

everything will go
back to normal.

We'll have the bed
to ourselves again.

Oleg, if she thinks she
can fire my godparents

and use my kettle bells, then
I'm calling off the baptism.

We need to go upstairs and
set your mother straight.

And if you think that
you are gonna have sex

in the next three hours,
oh, well,

you've got another thing coming!

Three hours?
What about hand stuff?

Oh, we'll see.

I didn't want to bring this up
when she was upset,

but those are my kettle bells.

(knocking)

I'm upset too.

That was the only party I was
invited to this year.

Girls, I wanted to show you
the two robes I'm considering

for the baptism.

And, FYI, your doorbell is
electrocuting people.

Definitely the white.
The baptism's off.

Bye.

Max, Han just made me
realize something,

and not just that he would look

really cute in a dress.

Between him, the baby,

and Earl being a minister,
we have almost everything

we need for a baptism.

We did do that exorcism here,
which clearly didn't work

because that 1800s lady
was watching me sleep

again last night.

Anyway, where is it written that
a baptism has to be in a church,

other than the Bible?

I mean, all we need
is holy water.

Ask the 1800s lady.
She's always carrying a bucket.

♪ ♪

Why not steal holy water
from a church?

God's already mad at me.

I woke up with a zit
behind my ear.

Wow, that's all
I can look at now.

Leave it!
That's my Saturday night.

Okay, I'm more nimble,
so you distract Father Kozac

while I grab the holy water.

Nice jug.

Max, I've been waiting six
years for you to say that.

Now go tell Father Kozac
you need to confess.

(groans) Okay, but then I'll get

kicked out of the crypts.

Max and Caroline, Sophie said
the baptism's canceled,

as is Altar Boys
to Men's next gig.

It's been a tough day.

Actually, Max is
here to confess.

I'm traditionally
more of a victim.

All right, let's do this.

Where's your little
shame box thing?

Our confessional is under
construction,

although it's taking Sergei
forever.

We can do it right here.

Oh. (Laughs)

Oh, hmm, suddenly I can't
think of much to confess.

Pretty sure someone
Men in Black'd me in 2008.

A-ha, well, start by kneeling.

Okay.

Oh, some stuff's starting
to come back to me.

Just to summarize, uh,
fires, fires, knife fights,

robberies, robberies,
knife robberies,

but third grade is where
the real sinning began.

Oh, just give me a second.
I'm on a real roll here.

♪ Ahh ♪

For an illegitimate,
blasphemous, back-alley baptism,

I think it looks pretty.

Hey, when are we gonna get
started, girls?

I'm performing a conscious
uncoupling at 2:00.

Ooh, this is cute.

Much nicer than
the church/slaughterhouse

I was baptized in.

Sophie, you look beautiful.

Oleg, I'm glad you didn't
wear your vagina tie.

It's dirty.

Hey, thanks for stealing
the holy water and going to

hell for baby Barbara, girls.

I'm just glad
I look good in red.

Max, you're gonna have
so many friends there,

and I'm not gonna know anyone.

Let's get ready to baptize.

I sent my mother to Curves.

It's a bi's and tri's day
for her.

Speaking of bi's who try.

I told you, I thought Grindr
was a kitchenware app.

Found out the hard way that
"melon baller" has two meanings.

Hey, before we start, can I get
a hit off of this thing?

It's an incense boat,
Earl, not wacky-tobacky.

We ain't picky.

Puff, puff, pass, sister act.

I'd be insulted if that wasn't
my third favorite movie.

Sophie, oh, Barbara's dress
is beautiful.

Hi. Oh, I love her makeup.

Who did the smokey eye?

All right, let's huddle up.

Ugh, this reminds me
of my time singing doo-wop

over a trash fire.

Okay, let's begin.

Ashes to ashes, dust to...

Oops, wrong page.

Max and Caroline, yeah,
as Barbara's godparents,

do you agree to look out
for her welfare and to be

honest if she puts on
a few pounds?

I mean, you know, not now,
but in a couple of months?

Hey, I like baby who
can fill out a diaper.

I think she just filled one out.

Hi, Barbara.

It's my fault you're having

your baptism in a bar
instead of a church,

but that's just how we roll.

You're family now,
and I promise,

no matter what happens,
we will always have your back.

Yeah, you can talk to me
about boys, or girls,

or whatever they have
by the time you're a teenager.

You can call me Uncle Han,
the Han-ster.

You know what? Han's fine.

In the name of the Father,
the Son, and the Holy Ghost,

I baptize this child
Barbara Kuchenski Golishevsky.

- Yay!
- We did it, Sophie.

We baptized little
Bohus... Barbara.

Aww, she's smiling.

Hey, oh, yeah, you know what?

She can tell that she avoided
an eternal hell fire.

What is going on here?

Mama, you're back so soon.

Damn you, Curves.

I forgot it's an hour workout

packed into 30 minutes.

The gym is garbage.

They don't even have nunchucks.

What, you're not having this
baptism without me, are you?

Go ahead, Oleg.

Tell her the truth,

or you're sleeping
in the middle tonight.

Mama, here's the truth,

whether you like it or not:

My friends and I like to dress
up and put on pretend baptisms.

Come on, I know you have balls.

They were hanging out of
my nightgown this morning.

Mama, we just baptized
Barbara without you.

Sophie wants Max and Caroline as

the godparents, and so do I.

So you're siding with
these people against your mama?

Yes, mama.

Oh, there's those big,
beautiful balls.

Are they out?

I don't know, but I
can't see them again today.

Oleg, you sound just like
your sister, Oleg.

Are you gonna spank me in here,
or can we go in another room?

Because I don't love, love, love
the underwear I'm wearing.

To stand up to me,

you must really love
these people.

No, Oleg, I am not
going to spank you.

That is your wife's job now.

I will send you my paddle.

Aw, yeah, that would be great,
Mrs. Golishevsky,

'cause I shattered the last one.

Call me mama.

Aww, okay, mama.

No, that doesn't work.

So I'm just gonna put
the holy water back

where I got it, and it'll be
like I never stole it at all.

I can't risk the wrath of God.

Or have I already suffered it?

It's so hard to tell.

Would you stop overreacting?
Our walls bled once.

Here comes the priest.

Max, did you come back
to finish confession?

I want to hear what happened
when you were living

with Jack Nicholson.

Did I get all the way
up to fifth grade?

So you're just here to bring
back the holy water?

You knew about that?

God sees everything.

Really?

Yes, but so do
our security cameras.

And I thought you weren't
really a believer.

Uh, I don't know, I mean,
I never met my dad,

but sometimes I think
maybe he's out there

hoping I'm gonna be okay.

Plus, if there's no God,
how do you explain.

America's Funniest Home Videos?

Right? Why would you have a pie

cooling next to a trampoline?
(laughs)

Hi, father.

We were just in the neighborhood

doing good deeds for old people.

He knows.

What do the kids say?

Busted?

So lying to a priest?

What's that gonna get me,

five more years
in our apartment?

Come on, it's not that bad.

You, me, and the wet 1800s lady
make a great team.

She said it herself through
the hole in her throat.

Weird, 'cause she told me that
your snoring drives her crazy.

(cash register bell dings)

♪ ♪
Corrected by srjanapala

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