2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 6, Episode 3 - And the 80's Movie - full transcript

Max and Caroline plan to attract a more sophisticated clientele to their dessert bar, until a team of arm wrestlers become their latest patron; Oleg helps Max write sexy messages to Randy.

What the hell are we doing
here on a Tuesday afternoon?

The only customer we had was
Earl and he forgot he works here

and ordered lunch.

First of all, you are
forgetting the pack of dogs

that wandered in, had an orgy, and left.

Probably easy for me to forget 'cause

I wasn't the one they
tried to have sex with.

And we still have to work
here because our dessert bar's

only been open a week; we need income.

I don't like working in the daytime.

You can see freaky things in this light.

Look, there's an ant carrying a stool.

Look, there's a waitress
carrying nothing.

Wow, Han, you have new-stool money?

Are you in Forbes' "40 Under 4 Feet?"

I didn't buy this. Lady
Luck threw me a bone.

I'm sure she hated
herself in the morning.

A beloved old man in
my building passed away,

and after the neighbors
paid our solemn respects,

we cleaned the dump out.

Han, that is so disrespectful.

We didn't get a text?

Ooh, I forgot my sweet
hemorrhoid doughnut I scored.

You don't need hemorrhoids to enjoy it.

Hemorrhoid doughnut.

All of the comfort and
none of the calories.

Ooh! A new stool.

2005 is shaping up to be a great year.

That's Han's stool.

Well, Han's stool just
bought a one-way ticket

to Earl's butt.

This the saddest episode
of Game of Thrones

I've ever seen.

Still, I'm rooting for the dwarf.

Tonight, we are hitting the
chic-est spot in Williamsburg

to poach their chic-est patrons.

If we start out with a cool clientele,

models, gays,

rich guys that want to have
sex with models and gays,

we'll be an in-spot
for at least five years.

Were you talking to me that whole time?

Who else would I be talking to?

You're the only one here.

Oh.

That was a Randy giggle.

And that's Randy's penis.

Not all of it. It's
a pretty small screen.

Yeah, we decided to
continue our nonexclusive,

long-distance, sexting thing.

Is that the Oxford English
Dictionary definition?

If Oxford likes to get
naked and squat over a phone.

But your girl's running
out of sexting ideas.

There's only four emojis
that look like penises.

Five if you count the corn on the cob.

Don't ruin the corn on the cob for me.

I use that for barbecues
and farmers markets.

That's what you were talking about?

I've just been adding "in
my pants" to everything.

"What do you think about climate change

in my pants?"

Come on, I need you focused tonight.

No more sexting.

Just put it away and
tell him to do the same.

All right, let me just
find the eggplant emoji

and, of course, the pants.

Hey, girls.

Oh, do you need a hand there, Soph...

I can do it!

Sophie, why the enormous
old-timey stroller?

There better be a cartoon baby

dressed like Al Capone in that thing.

Hey, girls,

can Barbara and me
stay down here tonight?

Oleg and I can't have
sex for two more weeks

and it's just getting
too steamy up there.

So, that explains the heavy panting

we're hearing through our
ceiling, our walls, and

most disturbing of all, our drain.

I gotta pee.

I gotta go all the time now.

You know, that's
something that you girls

need to know about me.

Any time that we talk,

I'm peeing a little bit.

Uh... yeah.

Oh.

There's daddy's little jock block.

I tried to release my sexual
frustration creatively,

but my erotic poetry

was rejected by National Pornographic

for being, quote, "just disgusting."

My sexts are so lame.

Why can't I be disgusting?

There's a burrito stuck to
the side of your dresser.

You're there.

"Can't wait for you to put your butt

"on top of... my butt

in my pants"?

Jeez, thanks for the nice
break from being horny.

I am not proud of how not slutty it is.

Now, give me back my phone.
It hasn't had its shots.

- Sent.
- What?

"Your testicles are two
glistening Cadbury Eggs,

and Mama's got a sweet tooth."

This mama's got puke in her mouth.

I cannot believe you'd send
something so disgusting.

You are dead to m...

He likes it!

You want to turn a man on?

Heh, you call Oleg.

I hope it doesn't make
you too jealous, but

I was just sexting with Randy.

Yeah?

- Yeah?
- Oh...

Caroline, get the hose.

Okay, now remember, we're
targeting models, gays,

and upwardly mobile millennials
with discretionary income.

Basically anyone better than us.

Were you talking to me that whole time?

And yes, I was talking
to you that whole time.

IDs, please?

You know they don't force you to use

the first picture they take.

I'm eating a pickle in mine.

I think you look great.

Hi, I'm Jake.

Hi, Jake.

ID, Jake?

He's about 27,

lots of discresh income?

27 exactly.

Guess my weight and
I'll buy you a drink.

So, um, how do you maintain
such a dork-less clientele?

I need to know 'cause I
have a roommate situation.

Watch and learn, pickles.

Oh, sweet,

I found Carmen Sandiego.

I don't know where in the
world you're going, buddy,

but it ain't in here.

Oh, you got this.

But do not let the guy in the overalls

get out of here without me
calling him "Farmer Yawn."

Max, I am killing it.

Jake, you've met.

Nahani and Ariel are models.
They can eat whatever they want.

♪ Hate them ♪

And then, this is Tad

and Jameson, they're gay.

I perform reenactments

of the life and tragic death
of Amy Winehouse with Barbies.

I work at Staples.

Oh, power couple.

None of New York's elite
are here, besides me.

I guess I'm not going
backstage at Barbie Winehouse.

You tried to make them come to this bar

and they said, "No, no, no."

My gay guys at 12:00.

I spoke too soon.

And you spat a little.

Tad! Jameson!

Welcome to the M and C Dessert Bar.

No, you're not dreaming!

If they were, we'd be shirtless dudes.

This place is fabulous.

Can I have one of these
cookie dough-tinis?

It's my cheat night,

that's why I'm with him.

Hmm, not sure who these gals are.

Max, did you talk about
this place at Pep Boys?

I told Manny and Moe, but
I didn't say a word to Jack.

Oh, Tad. Let me get you another one.

It's fine, it's fine.

- It is?
- No.

That's gay for "we're leaving."

They chased off my hot gay guys.

I don't want to be rude here,

but who invited these horrible women?

Charlene's in the house!

And there it is. Damn it, Max.

Why did you invite your bouncer buddy

when you know I'm trying
to cultivate a vibe?

I didn't invite her.

And I did not think she'd
be wearing gym shorts

and a SUNY Albany sweatshirt.

Hey, I know you guys were trying

to get the cool crowd in here,

so, you know,

boom!

And where are they? The cool people?

All right. Take it easy.

Maybe they are cool.

Is that one eating a PB and J?

All right!

Who wants to take on Big Reba?

Take on how?

Max, you speak Goon.

How? How... how?

Not fluently.

I only lived in Goon for a semester.

You're on.

On how?

How... how?

Oh good, they brought rope.

I hope they brought some for me too.

And they did not bring deodorant.

Ladies, what is this

and how can we make it stop?

You got a front row seat
to New York City's elite

underground ladies' arm wrestling.

One, two, three,

wrestle!

Oh, my God.

I own an arm wrestling bar.

No, you don't.

We own an arm wrestling bar!

I hope you're texting
Charlene and the rest of

her WWE Raw crowd to
never come back to our bar.

Uh, you were sobbing
and begging them to stop.

I think she got the message.

I don't know if she was listening.

She was carrying Big Reba
around on her shoulders.

This is pitiful.

I just sexted Randy a
picture of a penguin.

I don't even think
penguins are that sexy!

Oh, my God. Everything is turning me on.

I just walked in on an
elderly lady in the bathroom

and almost lost my mind.

What were you doing in the ladies' room?

All right, fine, it was a man.

Yeah, we all have problems.

I have sexter's block.

Want me to take a stab at it?

See, that's already better
than anything I have.

Just write it down. I don't want

your fingerprints on my phone.

You think I still have fingerprints?

Oh, my God.

Are you really gonna
have sext with Oleg?

I don't know why you
think I'm above this.

Out of the way. Earl's looking for me.

And as soon as he realizes he's outside,

I'm in big trouble.

Can you unfollow a person in real life?

Where would he least
expect me to hide this?

Up high?

"Shorty wouldn't go
high," Earl would say.

Oh, won't I, Earl?

Han, you're talking to yourself.

And why don't you
just buy another stool?

Earl wants this one.

And for once in his life, he's
not gonna get what he wants!

I'll just keep it under here
till he forgets about it.

Which should be in about an hour.

Yesterday I caught him putting
pennies on his sandwich.

Hide and seek, old timer.

I don't know how it's possible,

but he's getting weirder.

Those wrestlers won't be
back tonight, right, Max?

Right, God? Are you there, God?

It's me, Caroline, the
one you forgot about?

Where'd that turd hide my stool?

Thanks, y'all.

I knew Shorty wouldn't go high.

Oleg, how you doing over there?

You're gonna need a bigger data plan.

Max, it's been two nights in a row.

If we don't nip this in the bud,

we're both gonna be lady
arm wrestlers' girlfriends.

You're not exactly thriving

not being a lady arm
wrestler's girlfriend.

And I don't see what the problem is.

They're paying customers.

They're drinking beer.

From a helmet they brought with them.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Don't go, don't go. Please, please, sir.

Well, the last of our vibe is leaving.

Pretty sure all these ladies have vibes.

Guessing vintage plug-ins.

That's it. Everybody!

Everybody!

You cannot have your arm
wrestling meetings here anymore.

Find a dock or a junkyard

or a Buffalo Wild Wings.

Who wants to drink where they work?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

This is discrimination.

- Yeah!
- Yeah.

Look, miss, I am extremely pro-lesbian.

Please be lesbians.

We're not lesbians.

Ooh, swing and a miss.

Actually, I am.

That's the first time I've
said that out loud, isn't it?

Wow, that's freeing.

I am just anti-arm
wrestling in my dessert bar.

Well, tough ta-tas.

Which happens to be my other nickname.

Go ahead, take a shot.

I'll pass.

Hold on, um,

is that an open offer
on the, uh, ta-ta punch?

Will you at least order some drinks?

Okay, we'll order

12 waters.

Tap.

You guys, please, this is my dream.

And my dream doesn't have
soda-stained sweatpants in it.

It's jelly, but whatever.

I'm a reasonable woman.

Yes, that is true.

She's more reasonable than the
Big Reba at the train station.

Fine, we'll leave.

If one of you can beat me arm wrestling.

But if neither of you can,

my squad and I stay.

Getting real '80s movie up in here.

Huh? Who's it gonna be?

It has to be you, Max. I'm weak,

fragile, beautiful, but approachable.

Ready to get taught
a lesson there, Jugsy?

School's in session, Reebs.

But call me Max.

Jugsy is my mother's name.

Do it, Max.

She is gonna take you down

to downtown...

Mmm.

In a car,

made of...

pain.

Maybe just watch.

On my count. One, two, three, wrestle!

Oh... oh!

Wrist can't hold! Nothing in the tank!

All the sexting!

Fight, Max! Put your back into it!

My back's shot too.

Haven't you seen my front?

We're staying, girls!

Max, what are we gonna do?

I think it's pretty clear.

You're gonna have to
arm wrestle Big Reba.

Can't I just marry her?

Come on now, Caroline, you got this.

You've been wrestling with
disappointment for years.

And I'm losing.

On my count.

One, two, three,

wrestle!

Ya'll seen the stool?

Han hid it again.

What in the sweet name of
Jesus is going on in here?

Earl, I'm trying to motivate Caroline.

Do you remember any of
the lines from Rocky?

I'm gonna tell you what I
tell three tourists a day.

I am not Carl Weathers.

Max, I'm losing it!

- Help that poor girl.
- Uh, Caroline,

look at all these arm wrestling ladies

in your dream dessert bar!

You were aiming for five years of class,

you didn't even get an hour!

Hey, I can't get the
carriage in the dessert bar!

The only place it would
fit was the car wash.

Hey, what is all this?

Caroline is trying win our bar back,

and I'm trying to inspire her

by pointing out how bad her life is.

And I didn't get a text?

Max, help!

Uh... you haven't had sex in a year!

And I think you know I'm
being quite generous there.

It's working. She's lonely.

You chased a dollar onto
the third rail of the subway,

and you didn't get it!

You work as a waitress in a diner!

Did you mention the waitress thing?

Yes, I just did, Earl.

Sorry, things are getting
to me a little late.

Wait, did... did you
tell her that baby Barbara

is gonna get married before she is?

Caroline,

six years ago,

you had a billion dollars,

and now... I'm gonna say it...

Say it!

Old Navy is out of your price range!

I haven't heard from Randy.

Oleg's graphic sexts
must've freaked him out.

Even Siri covered her eyes
after that last one I sent.

You ask Michelangelo to paint,

and then you criticize the painting.

Why are you bringing the
Ninja Turtles into this?

I just want to know what to do now.

I completely understand if you don't

want to take love advice from
an arm wrestling champion,

but why don't you just
say "hi" or "I miss you"?

"Hi, I miss you"?

No "in my pants"?

Okay, fine. I'll give it a shot.

Hey everyb...

Damn it.

Do you need a hand there, Sophie?

No, I got it!

You really don't.

Earl, you can have the stool.

I've had a really hard year,

and I allowed myself
this one indulgence.

But, if it's important...

Sweet, I'll take it.

Oof! Cold as ice.

I didn't come here to make friends.

No stool for you.

Hey... hey, why don't we settle this

the 80s movie way and arm muscle for it?

At my age, only thing I
can beat is a little girl.

So, yeah.

Bring it on.

This little girl's
tougher than she looks.

You won't be able

to sit on that damn thing
after the ass whooping

I'm about to lay on you, Shorty.

Shorty's ass can take a lot, old man!

We don't want to hear about
your personal life, Han.

One, two, three, wrestle!

Have they started yet?

When this is over,

I'm gonna be wiped out.

You gonna help me carry
my stool back up there?

Here's an idea.

Yeah, you say it, Han!

Burn in hell!

Remember when I used to
make you moan like that?

You really turn me on.

Barbara, you stay with your daddy.

He's a very sexy man.

Randy texted me back "I miss you."

Aw, that's so sweet.

Oh! In his pants!

Damn, Han,

I didn't realize bad breath
was your secret weapon.

Stool me, Shorty.

Who am I wrestling for
the hemorrhoid doughnut?