2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 6, Episode 14 - Episode #6.14 - full transcript
Max, we're back.
Aw, that sucks.
This place didn't burn
down while we were gone,
like I had hoped.
The night is young, and I have
a Roman candle in my pocket.
Hi, welcome to the
Williamsburg diner.
Table for two?
Don't be silly, Earl.
It's us, Max and Caroline.
And I'm Earl. Smoking
or nonsmoking?
Glad to have you back.
Max and Caroline!
You're back from your road trip.
And right on time for
yesterday's shift.
We're also not working today.
Tomorrow's not great either.
Ugh, thank God you're back.
Besides Han, there hasn't been
a girl in here in days, and...
she's not my type.
What is your type?
Hepatitis A, B, or C?
So what did you bring us?
Uh, you guys don't understand.
We got kicked off a riverboat,
almost crashed a plane,
and lost everything we own.
Honestly, it's a
miracle we're alive.
So...no gifts?
(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
[cash register bell dings]
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Let's get to the dessert bar
so we can see the work they did.
Also so people don't think
we're customers here.
I'm excited to see it too,
and now that Randy and
I are really over,
I promise to give the
dessert bar my full 5%.
Make it 6%.
I mean, what else
am I gonna do, hmm?
Stop.
Oleg, stop blocking the door.
We're not on a date with you.
We want to see the dessert bar.
Eh, sure,
but before you go in there,
do you want to see
a cute picture
of me, Sophie, and baby Barbara?
Sure.
(both yelling)
You didn't say it
was in the bathtub.
Well, now that you're annoyed
and hopefully a
little impressed...
Mm-mm.
I can tell you
I had to fire your contractor.
BOTH: What?
I thought I could
do a better job.
BOTH: What? -I couldn't.
I can't believe Oleg!
How the hell could he let
a complete stranger...
(both gasp)
Do such an amazing job?
Wow.
Wait, we're still killing
Oleg, though, right?
'Cause the wheels are
already in motion.
Oh, my God, look at the doors.
(gasps) And the molding?
And the sconces?
I don't remember what
an orgasm is like,
but I think I might
be having one.
Hey, girls.
Welcome home.
Baby Barbara thought
you were dead.
Isn't that funny?
Not "Vince Vaughn doing
drama" funny, but what is?
Wow, Barbara got so big
while we were gone.
Oh, shh!
You got to give her a
break, 'cause she got
her Uncle Fatso's genes.
By the way, Sophie, thank
you for watching our horse
while we were gone.
He's my favorite roommate.
Aww, well, you know what,
that's what friends are for.
And I'm sure you would
do the same for me
if I needed a favor.
-Of course we would.
-Good, 'cause I need a favor.
Yeah, see,
I joined this mommy
support group, you know,
to make sure that I'm
holding the baby up right,
or you know,
that I don't get too jealous
when people compliment her.
The standard mom stuff.
So what's the favor?
I'll do anything up
to a Class B felony.
I still have one strike left.
Well, I'm hosting,
and there are gonna be a lot
of sloppy babies there,
so I'm looking for a real dump.
Can I use your place?
-Aww.
-Sophie, I don't think--
(laughs) Thank you, girls.
Yeah, you're the best,
no matter what baby Barbara
tells her friends.
I thought Barbara liked me.
I'm gonna text her.
Oh, hey. I'm Bobby.
I did the work on your bar.
You must be Max and Caroline.
I'm Maroline, and this is Cax.
(stammering)
-I mean--
-Yeah, let's just move past it.
Uh, we're who you said.
Well, I hope you like it.
The only guidance I got
was from your friend Oleg,
who just kept saying "sluttier."
And then he showed me a picture
of him in the bathtub.
You did an amazing job.
I mean, what you did
with those knobs.
Polished brass.
Looks like you want
to polish his brass.
And how do you like the
satin on the sconces?
(gasps) Oh, my God.
My knees are wiggling.
You like that?
-And the finish on the molding?
-Oh, love it!
I think she's about to
finish on the molding.
You're the only man who
knew what I wanted
without me having to
tell him three times
and then give up.
Hey, great.
I'll tell the boss you liked it.
"Bobby, you did it again."
In case you missed
it, I'm the boss.
(laughing)
See, 'cause he's the boss,
so he was telling himself.
It's too many levels for her.
Hey, um, listen, I should
probably get going,
but if you need anything else,
you can call me.
Or my boss. Anytime.
Well, I might just
have to call you both.
Ciao!
"Ciao"?
Unless you're gonna say
"mein" after that,
I don't know what
you're talking about.
He's really cute.
Oh, you think so?
You were playing it
pretty cool, Maroline.
(laughs)
(all laughing)
Ooh, oops.
Oh, don't worry,
you can ruin everything in here.
I don't care.
(laughing)
I do.
I just scrubbed the couch.
How much longer do we
have to stay in here?
Caroline's talking about a
third grade field trip.
I got lost in Toronto.
Girls, ignore them.
Society does.
Yeah.
Uh, so where are your babies?
Out parking the car?
(laughs)
See, I don't let
Barbara drive yet.
Should I?
We don't bring 'em
to the meetings.
They ruin everything.
Starting with our vaginas.
Oh, yeah,
my husband ruined mine
on my first date.
(laughing)
See--well, see, I thought
that a mother's group,
you know, you--
you talk about your babies.
Wouldn't they love that?
No, this is for us to--
to trade pills and get trashed
and fantasize about Gone
Girl-ing our husbands.
Oh, my God, I'm doing
everything wrong.
Yeah, just like the '84
Olympics all over again.
(knocking at door)
What's up, sluts?
Ugh, there's a baby here?
If I weren't already stoned,
I'd drive somewhere else.
My bad.
Yeah, see,
I thought we were gonna
compare notes on bedtimes
and how asleep a baby has to be
to have sex in front of it.
You have sex with
your trainer too?
Should I?
Seeing what you girls
did to the dessert bar
inspired me to make some
improvements around here.
Don't tell me you found a way
to unstick the menus
from the tables.
Whoa, one step at a time.
I did give this place
more of a facelift
than Brad Pitt in preparation
for the movie Allied.
Yeah, Han, this place
looks exactly the same.
My suicide note is still
scrawled on the wall.
Yeah, it looks like the
same old post office to me.
It's not a freakin' post office!
Max, we should really get
over to the dessert bar.
Bobby's on his way to look
at those gorgeous sconces
I am very unhappy with.
Why do you have to
use the dessert bar
as an excuse to see him?
If you like him, why
don't you just say,
"Hey, you're cute.
Want to see my horse?"
Because a lady waits
for a gentleman
to ask to see her horse.
I don't know what ladies
you're hanging out with.
Apparently none.
(phone chimes) Ooh!
Bobby's at the dessert bar.
Let me just change
into something
a little more comfortable.
Why are you making
this so complicated?
Why don't you just
say, "Let's get drinks
to make the sex less awkward?"
Or you could do that.
Oh, hi, Bobby, I forgot
you were stopping by.
She thought she was hosting
Wheel of Fortune in here.
I'd buy a vowel from her.
Well, it would be two As.
Uh...
oh, uh, what did you
want to show me?
Apparently a little side boob.
This sconce.
I noticed that if I put
all the force of my
body against it,
it moves a little.
See?
(grunting)
Ugh, I--
I must have jammed it into place
while I was testing
its virility.
I mean, stability.
Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh.
See? Told you it was loose.
I guess I have stick
around as long as it takes
until it's fixed.
Oh, good, because I
wouldn't feel safe
pulling aggressively on
anything until you do.
Caroline!
We got to get to the hospital.
Oh, no, I'm fine.
Bobby caught me.
Not for you, Vanna Very White.
I just got a call saying Randy
was in an accident in Manhattan.
He must have been
coming to see me.
Just when I thought it was over,
he ropes me back in with a
life-threatening emergency.
How bad is he?
Because these sconces
won't be able to wear this
dress again tomorrow.
All I know is that it's
serious, and they called me
'cause I'm the emergency
contact on his phone.
Okay. I'll be back
as fast as I can.
I'll work as slow as I can.
I won't tell your boss...
'cause he's the--
I get it. Let's go.
Oh, he's still alive.
Oh, thank God his
face isn't hurt.
And--one, two, three,
four, five, six.
Yep, they're all there.
Why is his shirt always off?
He's like Kirsten Dunst
in a dramatic role.
Well, I had to take his
shirt off, because--
well, 'cause you know,
he broke his leg.
This is a private room.
You ladies can't be in here.
I'm his emergency contact, Max.
I'll take the rest of his
clothing off from here.
And can you get me a straw
so we can share this
morphine drip mai tai style?
You girls have two minutes,
and remember, this
is a hospital,
so no messing around.
Ooh, that's my coconut oil.
Coconut oil?
Great, now he's edible.
Oh, my God, Max.
This is very An
Affair to Remember.
I'm more of a Quickie
to Forget kind of girl.
No, that Randy came all the
way to New York to see you
and then got into
a tragic accident
and now here you are
at his bedside.
Max, I don't want to
get ahead of myself,
but we might both
have boyfriends.
Double date dance?
Max?
What are you doing here?
Where's my shirt?
When did Caroline start
hosting Wheel of Fortune?
Ah, that's what I said!
Um, I got the call
that you were hurt,
so I came right over,
and as for your shirt,
I think the nurses
are making a pillow
husband out of it.
Hi, Randy, sorry you
broke your leg,
but great news.
I like someone.
Oh, that's right.
You're still my
emergency contact.
I'm sorry.
I never switched it
back to my trainer.
What happened? Was it a
runaway hot dog cart?
Because that is my
worst nightmare...
besides having my credit
card declined at Kohl's.
But I lived through it.
I got hit by a cab
on my way to JFK.
You mean you got hit by a cab
on your way from JFK.
You were in New York
to see me, right?
Track me down, beg
me to take you back,
pull my hair a little?
No, I was--I was leaving.
Leaving? But you hadn't--
Do you know what?
The accident must have
given him that
"to-and-from-lexia."
I think Whoopi Goldberg has it.
Time's up, ladies. Patient
needs a sponge bath.
He's got coconut
oil all over him.
Hey, Max, wait.
She just got here. Didn't she?
Told ya. He's got that
"come-and-go-heimers."
Whoopi writes all
about it in her book.
It's very hard to follow.
Max, these are like pajamas
for couples who
don't care anymore.
Speak for yourself.
These puppies care a lot.
Oh, good, they're all gone.
They left me zero room
to sign his cast.
I want to get back
to the dessert bar
while Bobby's still there
and possibly working
up a little sweat.
Go ahead. I'll punch you out.
But if you keep leaving early,
they're gonna make
you work Christmas.
Nurse, we need all
hands on deck.
We've got a 41 in here,
and he's a squirter.
You--you're up, girl.
I had the last one.
"Dear Randy, Nice ass.
Nurse Barb."
Well, that is good.
-Max.
-(exclaims)
I didn't wake you, did I?
But now that you're up,
why are you in New York?
You said you were on
your way to the airport
when you got hurt?
I was.
So you weren't here to see me.
No, I was trying not to see you.
Wow.
I'm leaving.
Max.
Ow.
You broke up with me.
That time over the phone?
You took that seriously?
That's insane.
The "This is a cry for
attention" was implied.
What I heard was, "This
isn't enough for me,"
and since we can't make
it work, it just--it's--
it's too hard for me to see you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I
heard what you said
on the movie set.
In Texas?
How'd you hear what
I said on set?
(scoffs) I was a zombie extra.
Grow up.
That was you.
Everyone said I was
crazy because I thought
I saw you and Caroline on set.
My therapist put me
on antidepressants.
Yeah, well, joke's on them,
'cause it really was
me hanging there.
Max, that's crazy.
Why didn't you say
something when you saw me?
Because you said you
were in a good place
and you want to move
on, blah, blah, blah.
And I don't want to
hurt you anymore.
But now I want to
break your other leg.
Max, look at us.
I ran to the airport
and got hit by a cab
trying to get out of here
because I was
tempted to see you.
And you broke into a
hospital not to steal drugs.
Maybe this relationship
is bad for us.
CAROLINE: There's
just so much squirt!
Definitely for Caroline.
I miss you.
I miss you too.
Then let's stop being crazy.
Move to LA.
You know, six years ago,
I would've done that
in a heartbeat.
I would've thrown
my bubblegum cigs
and my nunchucks
in a Safeway bag
and been your lady.
But it's different now.
I'm different.
I care about something,
and I have people
who count on me.
I've built a life here.
Damn it.
Max, you know I can't
leave my firm in LA.
So what happens now?
I think we kiss good-bye.
Mm-mm.
Hmm, I think that
might set us back.
I mean, you're already in a bed,
and these pants
come off real easy.
I think you know that.
Oh, yeah. I forgot.
How about a hug?
Hmm.
You really trust yourself
against the girls?
Not even remotely.
How about a handshake?
There's nothing less sexual.
Okay, but two pumps
and we're out.
I can't not make it sexual.
You smell nice.
I've got a lot of
jerky in my pocket.
Good news is,
I saved a man's life.
Bad news is,
I left a ring inside him.
Here's your flan-tini
and a side of a
bottle of tequila.
Why are you so sad, Caroline?
I mean, she doesn't have kids.
Well, I did like this guy Bobby,
but then I had to go
with Max to see Randy,
and I got squirted on,
and I didn't get back in
time to see him and possibly
missed a chance at a
lifetime of happiness.
Too much talking
from the waitress.
(clears throat)
Uh, ladies,
are all of the daddies
still in the picture?
'Cause I can't shimmy
down a fire escape
like I used to.
That's so funny.
If my doorman drops
out of the rotation,
I'll give you a call.
Uh, let me give you
my beeper number.
Yep!
I'm really having a blast
with my mom friends.
Do you have an aspirin,
or a sledgehammer?
Why do you want to hang
out with these ladies?
They're mean.
One of them tried to trip me.
Yeah, that was me.
Yeah, I--I was trying
to impress them.
Sophie, I wished my mom
cared enough about me
to curl my baby eyelashes
like you do for Barbara.
Or just to intervene
when a neighborhood
dog took me away.
Sophie,
your text wasn't clear.
Should Barbara wear the leopard
onesie with the jean hat
or the jean onesie
with the leopard hat?
Also, I can't find any
of her toe rings.
Sophie, are you secretly
caring for your baby
while we're having mom's group?
You know what?
Fine.
Fine, I love my kid.
Well, why don't you marry her?
Should I?
No.
No, 'cause I'm a good mom,
and a good mom doesn't
marry her baby!
At least not in this country.
Let's go, baby.
Well, Meghan's dog walker gave
her some cat tranquilizers.
Why don't we go try those
in the Target parking lot?
Ugh, I can't wait to be a mom
so I can get the
good cat tranqs.
You know they didn't pay, right?
Hey, uh...
sorry to barge in, but I
can't stop thinking about--
Her boo-tay?
Uh, well, that table
is really unsteady.
If my boss knew,
I'd be furious.
I know, right?
I thought it was just me,
but I mean, look at it, I--
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
I mean...
(both grunting)
Rock steady.
Perfect, actually.
Damn it.
You can't think of anything
else that needs to be fixed?
No, and it's really annoying.
You know what else is annoying?
You two not jammin'.
You like each other.
What's the problem?
-So you like me?
-Yeah.
-Okay, so I should call--
-Yes.
Good, 'cause I was this
close to calling my cousins
to come in and tear
this place apart.
-I'm gonna call you.
-Ciao mein.
-What?
-Nothing.
Wow, look at you.
I'm gonna have to put
the brakes on that
40-Year-Old-Virgin sequel.
I'm sorry I'm happy
when you're not happy.
I am happy...
for you.
I know you said you didn't
want to talk about it,
but why don't you just go
to LA to be with Randy?
(scoffs)
I can't go to LA.
I mean, there's too
much stuff here
they don't have there, like...
the Statue of Liberty.
You know she's my girl.
You never want to go.
And she invited
us when she said,
"Bring us your poor."
Plus, where would I find
weed in California?
I mean, the list goes on and on.
I wouldn't leave you either.
Aw, that sucks.
This place didn't burn
down while we were gone,
like I had hoped.
The night is young, and I have
a Roman candle in my pocket.
Hi, welcome to the
Williamsburg diner.
Table for two?
Don't be silly, Earl.
It's us, Max and Caroline.
And I'm Earl. Smoking
or nonsmoking?
Glad to have you back.
Max and Caroline!
You're back from your road trip.
And right on time for
yesterday's shift.
We're also not working today.
Tomorrow's not great either.
Ugh, thank God you're back.
Besides Han, there hasn't been
a girl in here in days, and...
she's not my type.
What is your type?
Hepatitis A, B, or C?
So what did you bring us?
Uh, you guys don't understand.
We got kicked off a riverboat,
almost crashed a plane,
and lost everything we own.
Honestly, it's a
miracle we're alive.
So...no gifts?
(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
[cash register bell dings]
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Let's get to the dessert bar
so we can see the work they did.
Also so people don't think
we're customers here.
I'm excited to see it too,
and now that Randy and
I are really over,
I promise to give the
dessert bar my full 5%.
Make it 6%.
I mean, what else
am I gonna do, hmm?
Stop.
Oleg, stop blocking the door.
We're not on a date with you.
We want to see the dessert bar.
Eh, sure,
but before you go in there,
do you want to see
a cute picture
of me, Sophie, and baby Barbara?
Sure.
(both yelling)
You didn't say it
was in the bathtub.
Well, now that you're annoyed
and hopefully a
little impressed...
Mm-mm.
I can tell you
I had to fire your contractor.
BOTH: What?
I thought I could
do a better job.
BOTH: What? -I couldn't.
I can't believe Oleg!
How the hell could he let
a complete stranger...
(both gasp)
Do such an amazing job?
Wow.
Wait, we're still killing
Oleg, though, right?
'Cause the wheels are
already in motion.
Oh, my God, look at the doors.
(gasps) And the molding?
And the sconces?
I don't remember what
an orgasm is like,
but I think I might
be having one.
Hey, girls.
Welcome home.
Baby Barbara thought
you were dead.
Isn't that funny?
Not "Vince Vaughn doing
drama" funny, but what is?
Wow, Barbara got so big
while we were gone.
Oh, shh!
You got to give her a
break, 'cause she got
her Uncle Fatso's genes.
By the way, Sophie, thank
you for watching our horse
while we were gone.
He's my favorite roommate.
Aww, well, you know what,
that's what friends are for.
And I'm sure you would
do the same for me
if I needed a favor.
-Of course we would.
-Good, 'cause I need a favor.
Yeah, see,
I joined this mommy
support group, you know,
to make sure that I'm
holding the baby up right,
or you know,
that I don't get too jealous
when people compliment her.
The standard mom stuff.
So what's the favor?
I'll do anything up
to a Class B felony.
I still have one strike left.
Well, I'm hosting,
and there are gonna be a lot
of sloppy babies there,
so I'm looking for a real dump.
Can I use your place?
-Aww.
-Sophie, I don't think--
(laughs) Thank you, girls.
Yeah, you're the best,
no matter what baby Barbara
tells her friends.
I thought Barbara liked me.
I'm gonna text her.
Oh, hey. I'm Bobby.
I did the work on your bar.
You must be Max and Caroline.
I'm Maroline, and this is Cax.
(stammering)
-I mean--
-Yeah, let's just move past it.
Uh, we're who you said.
Well, I hope you like it.
The only guidance I got
was from your friend Oleg,
who just kept saying "sluttier."
And then he showed me a picture
of him in the bathtub.
You did an amazing job.
I mean, what you did
with those knobs.
Polished brass.
Looks like you want
to polish his brass.
And how do you like the
satin on the sconces?
(gasps) Oh, my God.
My knees are wiggling.
You like that?
-And the finish on the molding?
-Oh, love it!
I think she's about to
finish on the molding.
You're the only man who
knew what I wanted
without me having to
tell him three times
and then give up.
Hey, great.
I'll tell the boss you liked it.
"Bobby, you did it again."
In case you missed
it, I'm the boss.
(laughing)
See, 'cause he's the boss,
so he was telling himself.
It's too many levels for her.
Hey, um, listen, I should
probably get going,
but if you need anything else,
you can call me.
Or my boss. Anytime.
Well, I might just
have to call you both.
Ciao!
"Ciao"?
Unless you're gonna say
"mein" after that,
I don't know what
you're talking about.
He's really cute.
Oh, you think so?
You were playing it
pretty cool, Maroline.
(laughs)
(all laughing)
Ooh, oops.
Oh, don't worry,
you can ruin everything in here.
I don't care.
(laughing)
I do.
I just scrubbed the couch.
How much longer do we
have to stay in here?
Caroline's talking about a
third grade field trip.
I got lost in Toronto.
Girls, ignore them.
Society does.
Yeah.
Uh, so where are your babies?
Out parking the car?
(laughs)
See, I don't let
Barbara drive yet.
Should I?
We don't bring 'em
to the meetings.
They ruin everything.
Starting with our vaginas.
Oh, yeah,
my husband ruined mine
on my first date.
(laughing)
See--well, see, I thought
that a mother's group,
you know, you--
you talk about your babies.
Wouldn't they love that?
No, this is for us to--
to trade pills and get trashed
and fantasize about Gone
Girl-ing our husbands.
Oh, my God, I'm doing
everything wrong.
Yeah, just like the '84
Olympics all over again.
(knocking at door)
What's up, sluts?
Ugh, there's a baby here?
If I weren't already stoned,
I'd drive somewhere else.
My bad.
Yeah, see,
I thought we were gonna
compare notes on bedtimes
and how asleep a baby has to be
to have sex in front of it.
You have sex with
your trainer too?
Should I?
Seeing what you girls
did to the dessert bar
inspired me to make some
improvements around here.
Don't tell me you found a way
to unstick the menus
from the tables.
Whoa, one step at a time.
I did give this place
more of a facelift
than Brad Pitt in preparation
for the movie Allied.
Yeah, Han, this place
looks exactly the same.
My suicide note is still
scrawled on the wall.
Yeah, it looks like the
same old post office to me.
It's not a freakin' post office!
Max, we should really get
over to the dessert bar.
Bobby's on his way to look
at those gorgeous sconces
I am very unhappy with.
Why do you have to
use the dessert bar
as an excuse to see him?
If you like him, why
don't you just say,
"Hey, you're cute.
Want to see my horse?"
Because a lady waits
for a gentleman
to ask to see her horse.
I don't know what ladies
you're hanging out with.
Apparently none.
(phone chimes) Ooh!
Bobby's at the dessert bar.
Let me just change
into something
a little more comfortable.
Why are you making
this so complicated?
Why don't you just
say, "Let's get drinks
to make the sex less awkward?"
Or you could do that.
Oh, hi, Bobby, I forgot
you were stopping by.
She thought she was hosting
Wheel of Fortune in here.
I'd buy a vowel from her.
Well, it would be two As.
Uh...
oh, uh, what did you
want to show me?
Apparently a little side boob.
This sconce.
I noticed that if I put
all the force of my
body against it,
it moves a little.
See?
(grunting)
Ugh, I--
I must have jammed it into place
while I was testing
its virility.
I mean, stability.
Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh.
See? Told you it was loose.
I guess I have stick
around as long as it takes
until it's fixed.
Oh, good, because I
wouldn't feel safe
pulling aggressively on
anything until you do.
Caroline!
We got to get to the hospital.
Oh, no, I'm fine.
Bobby caught me.
Not for you, Vanna Very White.
I just got a call saying Randy
was in an accident in Manhattan.
He must have been
coming to see me.
Just when I thought it was over,
he ropes me back in with a
life-threatening emergency.
How bad is he?
Because these sconces
won't be able to wear this
dress again tomorrow.
All I know is that it's
serious, and they called me
'cause I'm the emergency
contact on his phone.
Okay. I'll be back
as fast as I can.
I'll work as slow as I can.
I won't tell your boss...
'cause he's the--
I get it. Let's go.
Oh, he's still alive.
Oh, thank God his
face isn't hurt.
And--one, two, three,
four, five, six.
Yep, they're all there.
Why is his shirt always off?
He's like Kirsten Dunst
in a dramatic role.
Well, I had to take his
shirt off, because--
well, 'cause you know,
he broke his leg.
This is a private room.
You ladies can't be in here.
I'm his emergency contact, Max.
I'll take the rest of his
clothing off from here.
And can you get me a straw
so we can share this
morphine drip mai tai style?
You girls have two minutes,
and remember, this
is a hospital,
so no messing around.
Ooh, that's my coconut oil.
Coconut oil?
Great, now he's edible.
Oh, my God, Max.
This is very An
Affair to Remember.
I'm more of a Quickie
to Forget kind of girl.
No, that Randy came all the
way to New York to see you
and then got into
a tragic accident
and now here you are
at his bedside.
Max, I don't want to
get ahead of myself,
but we might both
have boyfriends.
Double date dance?
Max?
What are you doing here?
Where's my shirt?
When did Caroline start
hosting Wheel of Fortune?
Ah, that's what I said!
Um, I got the call
that you were hurt,
so I came right over,
and as for your shirt,
I think the nurses
are making a pillow
husband out of it.
Hi, Randy, sorry you
broke your leg,
but great news.
I like someone.
Oh, that's right.
You're still my
emergency contact.
I'm sorry.
I never switched it
back to my trainer.
What happened? Was it a
runaway hot dog cart?
Because that is my
worst nightmare...
besides having my credit
card declined at Kohl's.
But I lived through it.
I got hit by a cab
on my way to JFK.
You mean you got hit by a cab
on your way from JFK.
You were in New York
to see me, right?
Track me down, beg
me to take you back,
pull my hair a little?
No, I was--I was leaving.
Leaving? But you hadn't--
Do you know what?
The accident must have
given him that
"to-and-from-lexia."
I think Whoopi Goldberg has it.
Time's up, ladies. Patient
needs a sponge bath.
He's got coconut
oil all over him.
Hey, Max, wait.
She just got here. Didn't she?
Told ya. He's got that
"come-and-go-heimers."
Whoopi writes all
about it in her book.
It's very hard to follow.
Max, these are like pajamas
for couples who
don't care anymore.
Speak for yourself.
These puppies care a lot.
Oh, good, they're all gone.
They left me zero room
to sign his cast.
I want to get back
to the dessert bar
while Bobby's still there
and possibly working
up a little sweat.
Go ahead. I'll punch you out.
But if you keep leaving early,
they're gonna make
you work Christmas.
Nurse, we need all
hands on deck.
We've got a 41 in here,
and he's a squirter.
You--you're up, girl.
I had the last one.
"Dear Randy, Nice ass.
Nurse Barb."
Well, that is good.
-Max.
-(exclaims)
I didn't wake you, did I?
But now that you're up,
why are you in New York?
You said you were on
your way to the airport
when you got hurt?
I was.
So you weren't here to see me.
No, I was trying not to see you.
Wow.
I'm leaving.
Max.
Ow.
You broke up with me.
That time over the phone?
You took that seriously?
That's insane.
The "This is a cry for
attention" was implied.
What I heard was, "This
isn't enough for me,"
and since we can't make
it work, it just--it's--
it's too hard for me to see you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I
heard what you said
on the movie set.
In Texas?
How'd you hear what
I said on set?
(scoffs) I was a zombie extra.
Grow up.
That was you.
Everyone said I was
crazy because I thought
I saw you and Caroline on set.
My therapist put me
on antidepressants.
Yeah, well, joke's on them,
'cause it really was
me hanging there.
Max, that's crazy.
Why didn't you say
something when you saw me?
Because you said you
were in a good place
and you want to move
on, blah, blah, blah.
And I don't want to
hurt you anymore.
But now I want to
break your other leg.
Max, look at us.
I ran to the airport
and got hit by a cab
trying to get out of here
because I was
tempted to see you.
And you broke into a
hospital not to steal drugs.
Maybe this relationship
is bad for us.
CAROLINE: There's
just so much squirt!
Definitely for Caroline.
I miss you.
I miss you too.
Then let's stop being crazy.
Move to LA.
You know, six years ago,
I would've done that
in a heartbeat.
I would've thrown
my bubblegum cigs
and my nunchucks
in a Safeway bag
and been your lady.
But it's different now.
I'm different.
I care about something,
and I have people
who count on me.
I've built a life here.
Damn it.
Max, you know I can't
leave my firm in LA.
So what happens now?
I think we kiss good-bye.
Mm-mm.
Hmm, I think that
might set us back.
I mean, you're already in a bed,
and these pants
come off real easy.
I think you know that.
Oh, yeah. I forgot.
How about a hug?
Hmm.
You really trust yourself
against the girls?
Not even remotely.
How about a handshake?
There's nothing less sexual.
Okay, but two pumps
and we're out.
I can't not make it sexual.
You smell nice.
I've got a lot of
jerky in my pocket.
Good news is,
I saved a man's life.
Bad news is,
I left a ring inside him.
Here's your flan-tini
and a side of a
bottle of tequila.
Why are you so sad, Caroline?
I mean, she doesn't have kids.
Well, I did like this guy Bobby,
but then I had to go
with Max to see Randy,
and I got squirted on,
and I didn't get back in
time to see him and possibly
missed a chance at a
lifetime of happiness.
Too much talking
from the waitress.
(clears throat)
Uh, ladies,
are all of the daddies
still in the picture?
'Cause I can't shimmy
down a fire escape
like I used to.
That's so funny.
If my doorman drops
out of the rotation,
I'll give you a call.
Uh, let me give you
my beeper number.
Yep!
I'm really having a blast
with my mom friends.
Do you have an aspirin,
or a sledgehammer?
Why do you want to hang
out with these ladies?
They're mean.
One of them tried to trip me.
Yeah, that was me.
Yeah, I--I was trying
to impress them.
Sophie, I wished my mom
cared enough about me
to curl my baby eyelashes
like you do for Barbara.
Or just to intervene
when a neighborhood
dog took me away.
Sophie,
your text wasn't clear.
Should Barbara wear the leopard
onesie with the jean hat
or the jean onesie
with the leopard hat?
Also, I can't find any
of her toe rings.
Sophie, are you secretly
caring for your baby
while we're having mom's group?
You know what?
Fine.
Fine, I love my kid.
Well, why don't you marry her?
Should I?
No.
No, 'cause I'm a good mom,
and a good mom doesn't
marry her baby!
At least not in this country.
Let's go, baby.
Well, Meghan's dog walker gave
her some cat tranquilizers.
Why don't we go try those
in the Target parking lot?
Ugh, I can't wait to be a mom
so I can get the
good cat tranqs.
You know they didn't pay, right?
Hey, uh...
sorry to barge in, but I
can't stop thinking about--
Her boo-tay?
Uh, well, that table
is really unsteady.
If my boss knew,
I'd be furious.
I know, right?
I thought it was just me,
but I mean, look at it, I--
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
I mean...
(both grunting)
Rock steady.
Perfect, actually.
Damn it.
You can't think of anything
else that needs to be fixed?
No, and it's really annoying.
You know what else is annoying?
You two not jammin'.
You like each other.
What's the problem?
-So you like me?
-Yeah.
-Okay, so I should call--
-Yes.
Good, 'cause I was this
close to calling my cousins
to come in and tear
this place apart.
-I'm gonna call you.
-Ciao mein.
-What?
-Nothing.
Wow, look at you.
I'm gonna have to put
the brakes on that
40-Year-Old-Virgin sequel.
I'm sorry I'm happy
when you're not happy.
I am happy...
for you.
I know you said you didn't
want to talk about it,
but why don't you just go
to LA to be with Randy?
(scoffs)
I can't go to LA.
I mean, there's too
much stuff here
they don't have there, like...
the Statue of Liberty.
You know she's my girl.
You never want to go.
And she invited
us when she said,
"Bring us your poor."
Plus, where would I find
weed in California?
I mean, the list goes on and on.
I wouldn't leave you either.