2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 6, Episode 11 - Episode #6.11 - full transcript

MAX: Previously on
2 Broke Girls...

The hurricane is headed
right for Williamsburg.

Fedoras are blowing
down the streets,

craft beers are spilling

and indie bands are
cancelling practice.

(wind whistling)

This explains why Randy
isn't here yet.

He's probably stuck
in the store.

He's not answering and it's
going straight to voicemail.

He probably blocked you.

We're really broken up.

Let's go hug
our dessert bar.

It was probably
so scared.

Oh, my God, Max.

Our dessert bar is destroyed.

I think we have to finally
admit it to ourselves.

Ugh, we're cursed.

(water drips)

Yeah, this is personal.

Come on, when that gypsy
pointed at me in first grade

and said, "Biggus Boobus,"
that was a curse.

I'm sure we weren't
the only business

that was ruined
by the storm.

We're not cursed.

(water drips)

Yeah, now it's starting
to burn.

Well, I am choosing to take
this disaster as a sign.

It's not like we don't
have insurance.

And while they're
rebuilding this place,

I'm gonna go surprise Randy
and try to rebuild us.

You see the parallels?

You get it.
She gets it.

Girls, did you hear?

Turns out only one business
in the entire area

was affected by the storm.

I wonder which one--


File this under
"Story For Another Time"?



Biggus Boobus!

(rock music)


Ugh, I don't believe this!

All the airports
are more shut down

than I am emotionally.

Earl, have you had any luck
with any busses or trains?

I'm on it.

What button do I push
for the Internet?

I just talked
to the insurance company.

They're gonna pay
for all our repairs.

And they gave me
some extra money

'cause I told them
we were pregnant.

Can we please focus on how
I'm gonna get to L.A.?

I have low self-esteem
and a well-viewed sex tape.

I should be there already!

Max, I'm gonna try
to put this delicately.

You're acting like
a cray-cray psycho stalker.

I am not a stalker.

I'm the one that gets stalked.

That reminds me,
I should probably tell Gary

I'm going out of town.

Oh, he knows.

He left a bon voyage dookie
on our welcome mat this morning.

But the card was sweet.

Well, then
as your best friend,

I am going with you
to make sure you're okay.

You know, Randy did give me
an airline voucher

when I ruined our relationship
the first time.

I could probably get
two tickets for that,

so I could put my feet up.

Or I guess you could come.

If I'm the wing-lady
on your stalking mission,

I'm gonna go ahead
and call this a vacation.

Wow, that's sad.

All right,
I'm almost on the Internet.

Does anybody know
my password?

It's "Earl."

Oh, right,
my first dog's name.

Hey, everybody!

I just got in a fight
with one of Barbara's friends

in the IKEA ball pit.

Yeah, if you're gonna
bring meatballs in there,

you gotta bring some
for everybody.

Yeah, there's never enough
meatballs in a ball pit.

Earl, how we doing
on our trip to L.A.?

Well, the rental cars
are rented out,

trains are down,
and no flights till Tuesday.

And I got a message from emoji.
Who's emoji?

Hey, why don't you two
just road trip it?

You know,
throw a cooler of beer

with pulled pork in the trunk
and just go, baby.

I would do the same
if I didn't have

that giant breastfeeding baby.

I'm talking about Oleg.

May I suggest
the Toyota Yaris I sold to Han?

It's efficient on gas,

and the trunk can't
be unlocked from the inside.

Oh, no!
You're not taking my car.

It's my turn to drive
my quilting group

to the farmers' market.

Han, we can do this
the hard way

where you don't give me the keys
and I give you a wedgie,

or the easy way where
you do give me the keys

and I give you a slightly
less intense wedgie.

The keys are in my office,
but you're not--

Oh, dear, I've said too much.

Who do you see
winning this one?

And you should know,
Max keeps a pocket full of sand

for these kinda things.

Jingle-jangle, bitches!

You should be fired for
what happened back there.

Bathing suit areas
are off limits.

Fine, use my car,

but I'm going
to be driving it.

I'm coming with you.

I finally got the gas pedal
extension where I like it.

But who's gonna run the diner?

FYI, I managed a pretty
successful jerk shack for years.

Ew, Oleg.

What? Get your mind
out of the gutter.

We sold Jamaican-style chicken.

As a front for
full-release massages.

Y'all, what was
my first dog's name again?


I guess my only options here
are Oleg and Earl.

Woof, real Murderers' Row.

Who are you gonna
have waitress?

'Cause you know
they'll have to match

the extremely low bar
set by my associate and myself.


Oh, can I do it?

Oh, who am I kidding?

Or course I can!

I actually used to be
a waitress at Pooters.

You mean Hooters?

No, it was Poland's version.

Yeah, all the waitresses
were bottomless.

I'm hoping there were
a lot of hairnets involved.

Oh, you'd think so.

Han, I'd say you drive
like a little old lady,

but three of them
just passed us.

I had more fun driving
my bitchy friend Neil

to get his blisters drained.

Also, what's the strategy here?

We've been driving for hours.

Well, once we find
an open airport,

we'll fly to L.A.,
where Max will surprise Randy,

and she'll be all, "Ahhh,"

and he'll be all, "Ahhh."

First of all,
great Randy impression.

I almost gave you
a little "Wahhh."

You girls have
less of a game plan

than any season of
American Horror Story.

Well, who really needs
a game plan anyway?

I'm on vacation, baby.

Didn't even tear up that time.

What's with these snacks?


Are you on
that bunny diet again?

No, I gained weight
on that somehow.

Han, there's a lot
of Goo Goo Dolls here.

GGD: Live Goo.

I'm taking music criticism

from a proud member
of the Juggalo nation?

Hand me a radish.

I mean, how long are you
supposed to chew a radish?


Can I interest anyone
in a side trip

to Pine Creek Gorge?

If you love the Grand Canyon,

you'll think Pine Creek Gorge
is pretty good.

Oh, my seasonal gourd.

Look at Randy's
Snapchat story.

This movie's got
such a large budget,

they even got the lawyer
is own trailer.

Scratch that.

I'm sharing it with
a very large scorpion.


You're jealous
of a scorpion now?

That's where we're at?


There's a finger
on Randy's shoulder.

A woman's finger.

Manicured nail,
no wedding ring.

How dare she?

Yea nor nay
on Pine Creek Gorge?

The exit's in three miles,

and I should start
changing lanes.

So that's a maybe?

I gotta finger this out!

Ugh, why can't you zoom in
on a video?

I know we have
the technology.

It was used against me

in the case of Bass Pro Shops
versus Max Black.

Ugh, I think there's
a pit in my fig.

That's a prune,

and I'd pace yourself.

Caroline, could you
call the diner and check in?

I've been getting
the machine all day,

and I gotta make sure Oleg
isn't shooting a porno there.

Oh, he didn't get the funding.

His Kinkstarter campaign
fizzled out.

There, the phone is unplugged.

Good luck calling
the police now, table two.

Wow, you unplugged that phone

faster than we unplugged
my Aunt Esther.

She was a mean lady.

Sophie, ready to re-enter
the workforce?

I'm ready.

The question is,
are you ready?

And the answer is
no, I am not.

Hey, everybody!

Can I take your order?

Miss, sparkling or still?

How's everything tasting?

* Mmmbop, ba duba dop

* Ba du bop, ba duba

* Ba dup bop, ba du, yeah

* Mmmbop, ba

I wish you guys
would win American Idol

so I'd never have
to hear from you ever again.

Oh, come on, Max.
Listen up.

What's a road trip
without a sing-along?

I don't know, tolerable.

Now let's talk about something
everyone's interested in.

I screen-grabbed
Randy's video,

which enabled me to zoom in.

And upon zooming,
I realized that--

You're going crazy?

Max, seriously,
maybe we should go back home.

Randy blocked you.

You have to expect
there might be a new finger

in his life.

I am not going crazy.

I'm merely scouring
the World Wide Web

for female friends of Randy
who are tagged in a photo of him

with their index fingers
cropped out.

That way I can piece
the two photos together

jigsaw style
to get the answers I deserve,

and oh, my God,
I think I'm having a breakdown.

She's not the only one.

(gears grinding)

Please tell me that was
Caroline's prunes kicking in.

I can't believe we're broken
down in the middle of nowhere.

Amanda Knox had
a better vacation than this.

We have to start walking.
Leave that suitcase here.

What did you pack in there,

one of your long-winded

Funny story actually.

I was going
through my sweaters,

and I realized
that when I was 14--

Hold that thought forever.

Now you wanna find a finger,
you gotta use a finger.

(gasps) Max, no!
We can't hitchhike.

What if some psycho
picks us up?

Really, who wouldn't
want to wear this skin?

I think the problem
is the transmission.

There is none.

I hitchhiked
all the time in school.

Nothing bad ever happened.

I did spend a year locked
in a guy's shed once,

but that was mutual.

I'll tell you
what I told my prom date,

put that finger away.

I thought your prom date
was gay.

He was.
He was doing a lot of this.

Oh, good, tinted windows

for a more private
murdering experience.

Um, this thing is smoking
more than my grandma

at the Bingo finals.

You girls stuck?

I think "stagnant" is
a better word for us.

Name's Becky.
With the good hair.


Y'all need a ride?

Thanks. We're going west,
Fievel style.

If you could take us somewhere
with outgoing flights.

I can drive if you want.

I used to do it for
a Colombian drug lor--


I can get you all the way
to Missouri,

home to street violence
and a large percentage

of America's OxyContin

Great, and, Max,
at least you'll know people.

Oh, good, we got a ride,
'cause that car is deader

than the conversation

at the Jolie-Pitt
Thanksgiving this year.

Oh, sorry,
you girls can come,

but I don't let strange men
into my cab.

Oh, I can vouch for Han.
He's not a man.

It's okay, girls.
Go ahead without me.

I'll just call AAA.

Later, hater.


You're really leaving?

Who leaves someone
on the side of the road

in the middle of nowhere?
(horn honks)

You're not people!

Excuse me, Miss?

Oh, not you again.

Listen, don't eat this.

I ordered a steak,
and this is a dirty washcloth.

You want me to heat it up?

I mean, why am I
always getting you stuff?

How come you're not
scratching my back?


See how I told him off?

You know, just like
Max does, right girl?

Why are you calling me girl?

I'm calling you a woman.

You like, like the girls
do with Han,

only he takes it.

I mean, I wasn't
expecting all this.

Well, neither was I.

This is supposed to be
my nap time.

This is my vacation.

That's how bad
my real life is.

And I'm trying to get back
with my ex.

He blocked me on his phone,
and I am one diaper away

from being that
crazy lady astronaut.

I never had the courage
of putting myself out there.

I mean, romantically speaking.

I was on the Seal Team
that killed Bin Laden.

I don't know.

I may look tough
on the outside,

but underneath it all
is a scared little girl

and a lot
of homemade tattoos.

Well, you clearly
have good judgment.

Take a look at this video
and tell me if this finger

looks like it's been
in my boyfriend's mouth.

Hold on, let me grab
my glasses!

Whoa, Becks!
You wanna pick a lane?

We're currently in all three.

Don't distract her
from the video.


Oh, like this.

Enough talking.
Show us your ass, white boy.

(blares horn)

So sorry.

I didn't know the horn
would be so loud,

but could you scooch?

Ooh, I wasn't driving?

Man, being a Seal
really messed with my head.

I don't know why I didn't
think of this before,

but my friend, Sloppy Joe,
has a one-engine plane.

He might be able to fly y'all
all the way to L.A.

I'm sorry, what?

A messy sandwich
is gonna fly us to L.A.?


Sloppy was
an old high school crush

I never had the guts
to go for.

Man was a legend there.

He was a senior for nine years.

Becky With the Good Hair.

And you'll find someone,
I'm sure.

You just gotta go for it.

That's what she keeps
telling me.

I know, but she will.

I don't think we've
formally met, Sloppy Joe.

I'm Caroline Channing.

They'll be reporting
our deaths together.

You're on your own there.

They reported mine
five years ago.

We're on a ghost plane?

Just curious, will there
be a beverage service?

You want some of my beer?

That's all right, you already
spilled most of it on me.

I bet that's
why they call him sloppy.

Nope, my landings are a mess.

look at the bright side.

None of the lights work.

We're on our way to L.A.,

and sloppy took Randy's
voucher as payment.

And then rolled
a nice, fat joint with it.

You bet I did.

-Ride the lightning!

Do it back.

Let me hear you say,

BOTH: Yee-hawwww!

I'm just glad you found me.

I was about to build
a hut for the night.

I thought you said you didn't
pick up strange men.

I didn't.

Until a new friend convinced me
I gotta take a chance.

How fast can this old rig go?

This old rig
can go all night, baby.

Doesn't answer my question
at all,

but let's do the damn thing.

This flight's a lot bumpier
than I thought it was gonna be.

Speaking of bumps,

y'all don't have any blow,
do you?

Yeah, that's what
this flight needs,

a more jittery pilot.


Randy just posted a new video.

Eh, buffer faster!

Ugh, do you get
any bars up here?

If I did, I wouldn't be
asking you for cocaine.


Never mind, don't need it.

We're going down.

Going down?
My least favorite expression.

And now I hate it even more.

At least in this version
of going down

you don't have
to spoon afterwards.

-Oh, my God!

Caroline, amazing news.

You found parachutes?

Or that part of the wing
that tore away?

Ha, oh, no, we're goners.

But Silver Linings Playbook,

that finger belonged
to Randy's mom!

She's visiting him on set.

Ah, and she's not even
that cute.

I am gonna be so mad at you
in heaven.

You think I'm going to heaven?

She thinks I'm going to heaven.

(both laugh)

Plane's too heavy.
We gotta drop some weight.

I knew those curly fries at
the truck stop were a mistake,

but they didn't offer
a healthy alternative.

-Hold this.
-What? Ohh!

Hey, Sloppy,
the sky is that way!

I like this, too.

This suitcase has gotta go.

No, all my clothes are in there.

All of our money!
Our credit card!

There is no way that
that one tiny suitcase

is causing all these problems
with your plane.

Very well,
perhaps I overpacked.

Beer me.

(bell dings)
Pick up!

Unless that's
a huge problem for you.

That's it.

I'm gonna tell you
the same thing

that I told Pooters

when they added pants
to the uniform.

I quit.

You quit?

No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

You're fired.

Oh, yeah?


Have I been a bad waitress?

The naughtiest.

Uh, they're not gonna have sex
in a restaurant, are they?

Well, it wouldn't be
the first time.

Hell, it wouldn't be
the eighth time.

Pick up, Oleg.

Oh, yeah, man.
This is happening.

And that's when I married
my high school sweetheart.

Well, she was in high school.
I was 38.

Another terrific story, Sloppy.

Almost makes me forget
we have no money,

no clothes, and we're getting
zero mileage for this flight.

Silver Linings Playbook,

Little Randy update.

Max, I don't care
how expensive it is.

You are going to therapy
when we get back.

Well, that's a wrap on
the first day of filming

here in Austin, Texas.

Or as they say
around these parts,

don't tess with Mexas.


Don't drink
on a scorpion bite.

The man ain't wrong.

Wait, so Randy's
not in Los Angeles?

He's in Texas.

Wow, you're a bad stalker, Max.

hang a Ralph or a Louie.

Whatever gets us to Texas.

Eh, there's two things
that Slop won't do.

Alert the proper authorities
of my flight pattern

or step foot in Texas.

You need to make
your own way there.

I'll drop you here.
I gotta whiz anyway.

Ah! Drop us here?

What does that mean?

Uh, I think it means
I'm jumping out

of another plane this month.

You know what?
I miss the diner.