2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 6, Episode 10 - And the Himmicane - full transcript

When a hurricane hits, Caroline is worried that a divorce party she's planning for a wealthy couple will be ruined with the pair stuck in the dessert bar during the storm.

Max, guess who's getting a divorce.

Please tell me it's us.

Nope, we'll be together
way past when we should be.

Like The Rolling Stones.

It's Jason and Winona Williams.

Wow, I really thought
those two were gonna make it.

We're talking about those two
sisters who play tennis, right?

Never heard of them,
but there are a lot

of famous people I've never heard of.

Like that guy who's on TV
sometimes and he's always like,

(babbles) "Blah, blah, I'm on TV."

Yeah, that's Bill Maher.

Anyway, they're rich,
globe-trotting socialites,

and they want to throw a party
at our dessert bar

to celebrate the collapse
of their marriage.

They celebrate divorce now?

My mom missed out on, like, 12 parties.

They're coming tomorrow
to see the place, so maybe don't

wear your "Team Satan" T-shirt.

Why, 'cause there's a stain on it?

No, this could be a $5,000 job, Max.

I was offered a $5,000 job once.

I said, "No way."

Come to think of it,
that was Bill Maher.

(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

(cash register bell dings)

Hey, look,

it's Saddington Bear.

Oof, unlike torrential rain,

this jacket does not repel insults.

I have to go check the drains.

Oh, if you find
my love life down there,

bring it back to me.

Han, the hurricane ain't coming, man.

My body always knows when
a disaster is on its way.

It predicted the '97 El Niño

and my third wife, Diane.

That's true,
and when he gets chest pains,

it means it'll be partly cloudy.

No, that's a heart attack.

Shortness of breath
means partly cloudy.

Pardon me if I don't
just blindly trust Earl.

He voted for Richard Nixon,

this year.

Man, he's gonna get us out of Vietnam.

Well, I'm not taking any chances.

This may come as a shock to you,

but this diner is all I have!

Not true.

You also have tiny arms and legs.

Oh, look, a Minion.

Hey, everybody!

Look, it's me,
my Barbara, and my Manny.

Yeah, Oleg and I

hired him to help with Baby Babs.

You know, in Poland,

a Manny has to have his penis removed.


But here, he gets to keep it!

I'm Max, this is my
first time meeting a Manny.

I mean, a lot of men watched
me when I was a teenager,

but they paid me.


I'm not just paying
you to stand around.

Well, at least burp one of us.

Isn't that the sweetest?

My wife, my baby,

and the man with a lady's job.

You're not nervous
your Manny is, you know,

extremely good-looking,

and you're, well...


He's not good-looking.

His eyebrows don't even
meet in the middle.

Sophie didn't want
to hire a woman because

I walk around naked a lot,

and I'm, well...

The grossest?

A stink machine?

Girls, my wife is here.

Stop flirting with me.

Max, are you gonna go out with Shane?

Because he's staring at you.

Unless he's trying really
hard to read that sign.

Uh, I'm already in a relationship

with Randy, remember him?

'Bout yay tall, yay wide, yay long.

I know how "yay long."
It's your screensaver.

But, uh, didn't you guys break up?

(incredulous laugh)


You are so naive, mi amigo.

This is all part of
me and Randy's dance.

I say we should break up,

and he says it's definitely over,

so we're still very much together.

I know I've been out
of the game awhile,

but that makes less sense

than dress Crocs.

I didn't ask your opinion
when I bought them,

and I'm not asking for it now.

And this is the part of the dance

where he shows up and surprises me.

Damn it, I should have worn my Crocs.


Awful news!

I was unable to fix the drains!

Turns out,

we don't have any!

We need to protect ourselves.

I'll be outside, filling sandbags.

Anyone who wants to help, follow me.

No one's behind me, are they?

Nope, just the shadow
of a child holding a lantern.

Oh, you know what, Shane?

I'm bored.

Now, come on,
let's go back to the apartment.

And you can walk on my
back while Barbara naps.

You know, like mannies do.


Let's go!

(upbeat rock music)

Where are Jason and Winona?

They need to get here
before the storm does

and my hair frizzes.

Well, Randy better get
here before the storm too.

(cell phone chimes)
Ooh, this could be him!

(scoffs) Damn it.

The one time I don't
want a text from Chili's.

Although they're
practically giving away

these sizzling fajitas.

CAROLINE: (gasps)

Jason and Winona! You made it.

I was worried
something horrible happened,

like you got caught in the storm

or you got back together!

(both laugh)

I think it has to be below zero

for hell to freeze over.

And we should know.
We've been to the Arctic.

He murdered a penguin.

It was an accident!

If it was the penguin from Happy Feet,

you'll pay for that
with your life, my friend.

That's Max.

She thinks cartoon characters are real.

I'm Caroline Channing.

And she thinks Matthew McConaughey

actually loves driving a Lincoln.

Why would he endorse that?
He doesn't need the money.

End of story.

Ugh. This place is so cute.

Almost as cute

as the mud hut in
Borneo where I realized

I didn't love you.

That was five years ago.

Okay, maybe save that for the toast?

Here's some of the themed
drinks we're working on.

Almost Single Malt Scotch.

Resent-Mint Chocolate
Chip Cookie Shooters.

Still debating the

"Tequila" Him Would Have
Been Easier shots.

(wind whooshes)

Oh, hate to break this meeting up,

but I think my boyfriend's here.

(wind whooshes)

Yeah, he doesn't like
to bother me when I'm working.

Well, maybe I should get going
before the weather gets too bad.

I have a date I should have
gone on five years ago.

Oh, I bet it's not even raining.

(thunder rumbling)

See? Just a little sprinkle.

You wear a bra?

The hurricane is headed
right for Williamsburg.

Fedoras are blowing down the streets.

Craft beers are spilling everywhere.

And indie bands
are cancelling practice.

Sorry, girls,
I guess Shakira was wrong.

My hips do lie.

This explains why Randy isn't here yet.

He's probably stuck in the storm.

Max, you're being delusional.

And I know that because I'm delusional.

Han, I have to get home.

Sophie's alone with the Manny

and she gets turned on by bad weather.

It's true.

Last time it snowed,
we made out a little bit.

Her favorite porno
is The Perfect Storm,

even with Diane Lane's
horrible Boston accent.

Oleg, no, it's too dangerous.

Yeah, it is. Han, go with him.

(lighting crackling)

Even the wind pushes Oleg away.

(lightning crackling)


That's my worst experience being blown

since I got caught in the hand dryer

in the ladies' washroom.

(electricity sputters)

Oh, no. Everyone into the walk-in.


Well, I guess we're stuck here.

Another hostage situation.

Just like our honeymoon.

JASON: Oh, you loved Tehran.

(lightning crackling)

CAROLINE: So do you guys
want to see a sample menu?

Max, light a match so they can see.

MAX: Give me a sec.
I'm looting the register.

Sorry, it's a reflex.

Should we eat all the
food before it expires?

Two years ago.

This is the safest
place in the building.

This used to be my gift-wrapping suite.

I mean, man cave.

Am I sitting on a sack of potatoes?

Nope. Just my prostate.

So sorry for the inconvenience.

Can I offer you some pinto beans?

A tub of slaw?

Mouse skeleton?

Well, it does remind me
of that time in the rainforest

when we stole that tribe's food

and they hung us up from our genitals.

WINONA: Oh, yeah.

Oh, you looked so cute that day.

- (chuckles)
- All upside down and screaming.

- Stop.
- (both giggling)

"Upside down and screaming"?

Oh, that's it.

I'm FaceTiming Sophie to make sure

her storm door is sealed shut.

(phone trills, hums)


For once I'm grateful you
have all your clothes on.


stay focused, Oleg.

Hey, Oleg.

Yeah, we're fine, I was just
reading Barbara her horoscope.

Now she's about to find out
who her true friends are.

Yeah, oh, and tell the girls
that we brought Chestnut in.


What happened to his shirt?


Well, I took it off. He was warm.

No, Sophie, the Manny.

His nipples are staring at me.

Well, what do you think happened to it?

He spilled his wine...
hey, Oleg, I gotta hang up.

We gotta close the windows.
It's a perfect storm out there.

SOPHIE: Yeah, I think I
am gonna get up there

on that horse bareback with you.

(call disconnects)

"Perfect storm"?

Oh, no, this is terrible.

There's wine. There's a storm.

There's a horse in the mix.

The sexual possibilities are dizzying!


Ooh, that reminds me.

Oh, sorry. We're out of wine.

Who wants a Capri Sun and vodka?

(laughs) Scratch that.

Who doesn't want a Capri Sun and vodka?

What am I gonna do?

I have travel Scattergories
in my emergency backpack.

Perhaps we roll an F for fun?

Perhaps we roll you outside for fun?

Oof, so much for the community
coming together during a crisis.

Oh, what's the bathroom
policy around here?

Just go anywhere?

(lightning crackling)

(electricity sputters)

Oh, no, no, this is not good.

My diner is more screwed
than Sophie right now.

Too soon?

(electrical clank)

CAROLINE: (yelps) Hold me!

HAN: Just so you know,

that is a flashlight in my pocket.

(thunder rumbling)

Are we gonna talk about what happened?

Max, please tell me they make

really, really small flashlights

that move on their own.

Do you want me to lie to you

or do you want me to tell
you that was Han's penis?


Caroline and Han are
really getting at it over there.

This storm is turning people on

more than alcohol and low self-esteem.

Even Han got some action.

I don't hold hands and tell.

Or maybe I do. This is kind of a first.

I could tell.

Your thumb was all over the place.

I hope that was your thumb.

That's it.

I can't risk Sophie being alone

with the Elephant Manny any longer.

Even a 2 like him looks like
a 5 in this bad weather,

and Sophie has a thing for 5s.

If I die, Max,

you know what strippers
I want at my funeral.

Yep, same ones I want at mine.

I want Bagpipes at my funeral.

She'll be expecting your call.

The sexual tension is rising.

This is turning into a real
"will we or won't we?"

We won't.

We can't!

(both panting)

You know what I've always wanted to do?

Have a "getting back together" party?

Same price, less Adele on the playlist.


You know. We should...

BOTH: Drive through Syria!

- (laughs)
- (squeals)


Is that a new Middle
Eastern fast-food place?

(blows raspberry)

Baba ghano-thank-you.

Syria sounds beautiful.

Let us throw your going-away party.

And birthdays coming up? Graduations?

Quinceañeras? Just 'cause?

Why almost die in Syria

when we could be out there right now

almost dying in a hurricane?

Oh, there's the woman
my family forced me to marry.

Every second we're in here
is second we're not

risking getting electrocuted
by downed power lines.

We'll see you guys later.

(hearty laugh)

Wha... we do funerals.

Wakes, shivas, too.

- Tell your captors.
- (door shuts)


I'm so bad at relationships,

I can't even make a divorce work.

I'll give you some pointers.

First rule, have sex
with her big-mouthed sister.

I'm gonna see if Randy
posted anything on Snapchat

about his travels.

I know what you're thinking,
and you're wrong.

He is not in LA, enjoying the sunshine.

Hey, I'm here in sunny LA,

just about to take my dog for a walk.

You know, people are saying
we're starting to look alike.

RANDY: Thoughts?

Because to tell you the truth,
I don't really see it.

Although I have been

peeing on fire hydrants
more than usual.

You know what? (blows raspberry)

I am calling him.

He wants me to.

You saw the look on his snout.

You're acting more mixed-up than me.

And yesterday I ordered
a cheeseburger from an ATM.

And I gotta say, it wasn't bad.

He's not answering, and it's
going straight to voicemail.

(gasps) Maybe Snapchat got it wrong

and he's on a plane.

He probably blocked you.

Right, baby?

Give me your phone.

- (line trilling)
- RANDY: Hello?

- (phone hums)
- It went through and he answered.

'Cause it wasn't my phone.
He did block me.

Max, I'm sorry.

We're really broken up.

Don't feel too bad.

From what I saw,
he had kind of a dog face.


My hips think that

the storm is over, y'all.

Why don't you go check
for flooding, old man?

Just like you did for Noah.

Sorry, that's the cockiness
of my new relationship talking.

We should all go.

None of us have anything left
to live for anymore anyway.

Uh, excuse me, I have plenty...

okay, you're right, let's go.

Yes! Yes, it's okay.


I guess the hurricane
looked us up on Yelp

and stayed the hell away.

It survived the storm!

My diner's alive.

Yeah, parts of it have
chased me around the kitchen.

I love how you're funny.

The storm is gone.
My body got it right.

Now, if it could only
pump blood on its own.


Oleg survived too.

(blows raspberry)
This hurricane sucked.

I made it home,

but Sophie and the Manny were gone.

And I could tell by the
look in Chestnut's eyes

and the wine on his mane
that they're not coming back.

Oh... Oleg, you're here!


you're here.

Oh, I was so worried. What happened?

To my churro?

Well, yeah, it got wet.

Oh, Oleg,

I didn't want to be in the
hurricane without you.

And I didn't want anyone to be in you

without me.


Don't be silly. We're family now.

Plus, the storm got me all horned up.


I'm not just wet from the storm.

Oh, my God,

does this guy always know
what to say or what?

Oh, Oleg, let's go home.

I love happy endings.

Oh, well, if Barbara's sleeping,

I might be able to give
you one on the way home.


we need to talk about
what happened in there.

Okay, but do I have to be here?

Look, I've been thinking that sometimes

crazy weather makes
you do crazy things.

Yeah, I just listened to
Sophie and Oleg talk

for like an hour.

I... I guess what I'm trying to say is

we're Dones-ville.



No, no.

Don't beg.

This is hard enough as it is.


keep that chin up.

You'll find someone.

I recommend the Internet.

Thanks, Han.

It was fun while it never started.

Max, I hate seeing you like this.

You know what?

Maybe Randy only blocked you because...

Because he didn't want to
ruin the surprise of him

coming here to see me?

All right. Yep. Sure.

I'm gonna check his Snapchat again.

Not now, Max.
Let's go hug our dessert bar.

It was probably so scared.

Hey! I'm running 'cause I'm late.

Gotta get to New York...

(gasps) Great, his story cut off.

But you were right!

I was?

Ooh, it unfroze.

Philharmonic at the Hollywood Bowl.

Well, that's it.

He's not coming to New York.

I have to face reality.

He's bowling in LA with his buddy Phil.


Oh, my God!

Cray, right?

I didn't even know Randy liked bowling.

No, Max, look!

Is that tree new or has
it always been there?

I know the condom stuck to it hasn't.

The diner is fine,
but our beautiful dessert bar

gets hit by the hurricane?


your hair looks good right now.

Just "good"?

I'm calling Han.

I weirdly feel like I need him now.

It's going straight to voicemail.

(gasps) Han!
I was just trying to call you.

Yeah, I blocked you.

I just can't go there right now.

Caroline, don't cry.

We have insurance. Right?

I don't listen to 100% of what you say.

We'll be fine.

I just think blocking a person is mean.

(cash register bell dings)