2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 5, Episode 8 - And the Basketball Jones - full transcript

Oleg's pro-basketball playing cousin comes to town to play a game against Max's favorite team and gifts her with two free tickets, but chaos ensues when the girls interfere with the game and risk ruining their cupcake business' reputation in the process.

So, to be clear,

you want delivery from this diner?

Yes, I do know what delivery means.

Do you know what E. coli means?

Where do you live?

If he eats from here,

in his bathroom in about an hour.

Will you be needing napkins? Utensils?

The number for Poison Control?

Well, good luck.

The delivery boy is on his way.

Oh, this is good.

I need the exercise.

I feel like I'm getting a little chubby!

Oh, I know.

I can see it through those shorts.

I was a delivery boy in Vietnam.

I mostly delivered bad news, like,

"That hooker was a dude."

Here's that tuna salad... and hurry.

Like that astronaut who
drove across the country

in a diaper, it's not gonna travel well.

See you later, haters.

And remember,

Earl's in charge when I'm gone.

Earl's in charge?

Okay. I have a business degree.

He had all three types of diabetes.

But I get it.

I'll be gone for... 20.

Speaking of 4:20,

Max, you wanna go smoke some weed?

The man in charge just sparked up a doobie.

But I get it.

And I'm about to get it.

Oh, no. Am I in charge forever?

Who the hell parked a
Rascal in a bike lane?

Uh... that's my bad.

It almost destroyed my helmet!

I know.

I can see it through those shorts.

Subtitle sync and corrections
by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

And this is the sprinkle station.

Last stop on the cupcake train.

And this is the cash register,
where there'll be money someday.

And this is Max,

the other half of Max's Homemade Cupcakes.

Your little movie is about to be rated R

for strong, brutal violence.

Stop filming me.

I'm not filming.

I'm Periscoping.

Isn't periscoping when
you do mouth stuff on a guy

while he keeps a lookout for the cops?

Not all sex has to involve
the threat of an arrest, Max.

Periscope is a social media app

that streams live videos to your followers.

Tell everyone in Brooklyn
who loves food festivals

that we'll be at the
Taste of Bushwick tomorrow.

Or you can follow me into
the bathroom while I change,

and they can see some bushwick right now.

Max, this is great PR.

That's "public relations,"

not "Puerto Rican."

I know you were disappointed

when I took you to that PR seminar

and there were no cock fights.

I liked the Internet when
the only thing you could do

was look at cat pictures

and find out how old John Stamos is.

He turned 53 in August!

You know what's sad?

I'm too old to date him.

If Periscope is such great PR,

how many viewers did you just have?


But maybe it was a really important one.

Really loving your
Periscope presence, Caroline!

Okay. It's a small build.

I still maintain that
Periscoping will be great

for our business.

For the record, I was filming my business

way before it was called "Periscoping."

Hi, everybody!

Oleg, I picked up your dry cleaning,

and good news!

They were able to get the raspberry stains

out of your banana hammock!

Oh, Lord.

Now who's gonna dry clean my mouth?

So you picked up my dry cleaning

instead of my cousin from the airport?

Your cousin's in town? That's weird.

I didn't get an alert on my phone.

Sophie, how could you forget?

This is why we started doing sudoku.

I thought you started doing sudoku

'cause she was hot and willing.

I got a lot on my mind.

I'm trying to design our future baby.

See, girls, I read this article

that says you can spin sperm
to get rid of the bad stuff.

So Oleg's not gonna be the father?

It's true.

There's a new technology

where you can select the baby's genes.

I miss selecting jeans.

Now I just reach into the $3 bin

and hope for the best.

Well, I'm gonna spin that jazz

till I get a girl baby with green eyes

and Jennifer Aniston's second nose

and... and my butt!

Why can't we get pregnant the natural way?

Up against a fence.


I'm Gortak.

You look familiar.

Didn't you rib a dragon
on "Game of Thrones"?


There's my little cousin.


I think my iPhone case
is made out of gortak.

Hi, I'm Oleg's wife, Sophie.

And you're one tall drink of yak's milk.

You know it, baby.

And he's taking that
tall right to the bank.

Gortak just signed to play pro basketball.

No way!

Basketball is my favorite sport,

next to bum wrestling!

I'm in town for a game against Brooklyn.

Brooklyn's my team.

They stink.

Yeah, well,

I relate to anybody who's
not doing that great.

Hey, I'm Max.

I used to shoot around in juvi.

We played arsonists
versus attempted murderers.

I did a lot of ribbon dancing.

Caroline's kind of the
Screech of the group.

And here comes Mr. Belding.

Max, it's almost your shift.

Why haven't you changed into your uniform?

It's almost spring.

Why haven't you changed into a butterfly?

Han, this is my cousin Gortak.

Gortak, this is...

Jackass boss.


"Little People, Big World."

I didn't catch all of that,

but I didn't love what I caught.

Oleg, do you and your Sophie

want to come to the game tomorrow night?

I have two tickets.

Oh, perfect timing.

As of yesterday, I'm allowed

to be within 50 feet of cheerleaders.

Yeah, no. You know what?

I'm sorry. I'm out.

You know, tonight I have to
genetically modify a person

while I watch "The Good Wife."

Take me, Oleg!

Which is the only time you
will ever hear me say that.

Good idea, Max.

Sophie would be pissed if I took a lady.

But, Max, what about our plans?

I don't want to taste Bushwick alone.

Then don't have more than three drinks...

And don't get in the
back of anybody's Isuzu.

You're pretty dressed up.

You know a food festival is just code

for eating outside next to garbage cans.

Maybe I should come.

Well, I say, "Dress for the job you want."

I would, but I don't know what the people

who test out all the new
potato chip flavors wear.

Cheeseburger Pringles?


Hey, girls!

Look at my baby board!


I feel like we're finally getting close

to something I can work with.

You know, it really started to flow

once I threw away the
Anne Hathaway forehead.

That is the scariest thing I've ever seen.

Oh, well, good thing you didn't see it

with the Hathaway forehead.

I love baby number two, but I don't know.

Oleg still wants to be surprised.

Why don't you give us all a nice surprise

and brush his teeth while he's sleeping?



Oh, right. Here.

Max, Oleg can't go to the game.

Our baby appointment
got changed to tomorrow,

and we got to get working on the baby body.

Oh, you know what?

That reminds me.

Max, do you have a picture of your boobs?

Oh, you know what?

I'll get it from Oleg.

I can't believe I have two tickets!

Ooh, I'm gonna call Earl.

It'd be fun to go with a friend.

Would it hurt you to
ask me to go to the game?

You know I'm not gonna say yes.

Do you want to go to the game?


Wow, that surprised me too.

These are VIP tickets
from an actual player.

This could be better than Bushwick.

I mean, lots of celebrities
go to those games.

Ooh! Where are the fliers?

I bet we could get a lot of business there.


We are not doing business!

Tonight is supposed to be fun.

Well, I find business fun, but okay.

One day, you will appreciate my ambition.

And one day, I will try lettuce,

but not tonight.

No fliers.

No fliers.

No fliers.

I just think this is a missed opportunity.

"Missed Opportunity"

was my stripper name at the Salty Dog.

Look, I don't want to work tonight.

Which also happened to be my catchphrase.

These can't be VIP seats.

I haven't been this winded since I climbed

the social ladder at theater camp.

These seats are great!

I usually sit in the parking lot

around a trash fire, singing doo-wop.

It's just, I've never sat
in the last row before.

My father made sure I
was always in the front.

Broadway, fashion week,

his criminal trial.

My father got me front-row seats

to the "Inability to Love" awards.

I'll try and let this
go, but I'm just saying,

we could have gone to
the Taste of Bushwick,

and we'd still be closer to the court.

Oh, I love the taste of Bushwick.

I don't care for it much.

Hi, I'm June, and this is Dianne.

We're sort of the "mayors" of section Y.

Been to every game.

I'm Max. This is Caroline.

You guys want a finger?

Oh, we're just friends.

Do you want a finger?


We'll take one if you got an extra.

And how 'bout that hot dog?

You still working on that?

Max, you don't know where
that finger has been.

What do you mean?

It's been in a box in my car.

Yeah, Caroline.

This finger's been in
her box out in the car.

What part of that don't you get?


That beer cost more than I
spent on underwear last year.

I don't like it up here.

I don't even like beer.

It's so bloaty.

Come on. It's not that bad.

Oh, really?

Then why is that guy shaving?

Well, obviously, he's got a
very important job interview

as conductor of the crazy train.

Max, our seats are in a shanty town.

I think somebody tried to sell me a hubcap

on the way up the stairs.

Ooh! How much?

Can I borrow those binoculars,

so I can look at something that's not this?

Max! Oh, my God!

Look at all the VIPs down there.

Well, someone's "VI-peeing"
right over there.

Max, I want to be down there.

Oh, I know what you need.

Wanna finger?


A rich couple fighting courtside!

Oh, he's storming off!

She's storming off!

You should do play-by-play

on the "I Don't Care" network.

Come on! Let's go steal their seats.


I like where I am.

My ears already popped.

We're settled here.

That's the difference between us, Max.

I don't settle...

until I'm, like, 42,

and then I might have to
marry someone shorter than me.

I, on the other hand, love settling.

My first words were, "Eh, it's fine."

Look, all we have to do

is make a few smart, strategic moves,

and a better opportunity awaits.


All right. Sorry, ladies.

She wants me to go down with her.

Just tell her you got a headache.

Okay, just act like we
belong in the VIP section.

I can't believe the limo driver

took that wrong turn,

and that's why we're late to the game,

and thus, our seats.

You forgot to mention

that we took thus bus here.

The point is, we made it.

I am back where I belong.

Can you just smell the money down here?

I think that's Gortak's ball sweat.

Hello, ladies

who magically appeared
in the second quarter.

Can I see your tickets?



These are my tickets to most places.

Our tickets? Of course.

Let me just find them in here.

Here they are!

Oh, sorry about the popcorn.

I'm used to it.

You rich people are pigs.

Max, I haven't been called
a rich pig in five years!

This is pretty cool!

I told that Chinese lady up top

with the backpack full of loose carrots

I'd be back, but I don't think so.

Oh, my God.

I should totally Periscope this

so people think we're big shots.

We are so close,

I could get my nose broken by a ball!

And I could meet the doctor
who fixes your broken nose!

Everything is working out!

Oh, my God.

We are in the same row
as Jay-Z and Beyoncé!

And they brought Blue Ivy!

I can't believe I'm
seeing our royal family!

I can't believe I'm touching
the court with my feet!

Maybe I should just drag my
butt across it like a dog.

Is that too far?

Oh, my God!

Beyoncé just made eye contact with me!

She sees me every time
she looks to the left,

to the left.

I should get them one of our fliers.

Luckily, I always keep an emergency flier.

That and a key to my old house,

in case this all turns out to be a dream.

That's my dream too.

Ooh! Here comes the nanny.

Fran Drescher's here?

No, Blue Ivy's nanny.

I'll get her our flier.

Excuse me, miss, in the
drop-crotch sweatpants!

Go, go, go! Ten seconds!

Wait! Miss, wait!

Can you take this?

- Max, she took the...
- Go, go, go!

- Oh!
- Ooh!

Max, what did you do?

I took you to a basketball
game like an idiot!

And now I'm about to run.

What is our end game here, Max?

Are we hiding? Are we fleeing?

I just want to know what
we're ugly-walking toward.

Do I look like a person with an end game?

Also, ya ended the game.

Angry mob aside, the good news is

I did manage to get that
flier to Blue Ivy's people.

The bad news is you created
the biggest disaster in sports

since Magic Johnson's talk show.

Someone's coming.

Well, you said you wanted more followers.

Now you have them in real life!

Oh, my God.

This is where the 17th best
team in the league gets naked!

And also where it ends
for ol' Max and Caroline.

What? It's not like the players

come right into the
locker room after the game.

Oh, my God.

The players come right into
the locker room after the game!

Of course we'd be in here.

This is so us.

You know what else is so us?

Me stealing one of these jerseys.

Let's do the interview in the locker rooms.

Crap! They're coming in here.

We can't be the face of this, Max.

We'll be the most hated
business in Brooklyn.

And I'm including the
new breakfast restaurant

with the valet stroller parking.

This is where the 17th
best team in the league

goes number one!

And from the looks of it,

their aim isn't good in here, either.

Those girls were crazy, man.

They cost us the game.

We were almost the 16th
best team in the league.

How did they get into the VIP section?

I was wondering the same
thing about Tim Allen.

Yo, man, take a look at
this thing on my back.

Does it look like cancer?

It just seemed like more
than a mole, you know?

Actually, it looks like
a precancerous basal cell.

We should get a better look
in the light in the bathroom.

Here! Over here.

Get in the ice bathtub.

It's big enough for two.

"Big enough for two."

That's what Chili's said about their new

coconut mozzarella sticks,
but... swing and a miss.

You went to Chili's and didn't tell me?

I was afraid you'd try
to get us a better table.

Oh, yeah.

I'd definitely get that thing checked out.

Yo, I got to ice this knee.

Of course they'd pour the ice on us!

And of course this would happen here,

'cause it's the 17th worst
thing that's ever happened to me!

Oh, you two sick?

Stay away from me. I can't get sick.

When you're 78, it takes about 2 days

to go from sniffles to
being eaten by your cat.

We'll be fine...

if half a Tylenol can
cure full-body hypothermia.

Max, I feel like you're still mad at me

for wanting more for us than bad seats

and a struggling business.

Of course I'm mad!

I haven't been this cold

since that winter I was
on "Deadliest Catch."


I've got a waste can of
baby faces I'm not gonna use.


Turns out, we're not gonna
design our baby anymore.

But what about wanting it
to have a delicate chin?

And a thigh gap?

You know, girls, I realized

I just want to have a healthy, happy baby.

You know, it's like my Aunt Ruffa said

after she lost her tongue, you know...

"Dou det what dou det,
and dou don't det updet."

You know, which roughly translates to,

"You get what you get,
and you don't get upset."

That's a really mature decision.

The doctor wanted 60 grand.

Yeah, that affected our decision too.

Well, maybe letting things happen naturally

is the way to go.

Because sometimes when you force things,

you put $130 million
worth of basketball players

on the disabled list.

Subtitle sync and corrections
by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.