2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 5, Episode 3 - And the Maybe Baby - full transcript

People, I have huge news!

Who's carrying the rest of it in?

I found a way to improve diner business,

and the crazy part is I
don't have to fire you two.

Are you gonna clean that dead body smell

out of the ladies' room?

No, that's what plug-in Glade is for.

Okay, remember how that
ice bucket challenge

caught on with celebrities?

Han, people did those challenges for ALS,

not to get publicity for
a diner that Yelp calls,

"A bit of a dice roll."

Well, I've invented
the condiment challenge.

Why, 'cause condoms are a challenge

to you and other virgins?

Earl, you're on fire!

I'm gonna down ketchup and mustard

and then nominate Mr. George Clooney.

If you really want this thing to go viral,

I happen to know that Clooney
likes him some spicy sriracha.

All I know is that anal is hot.

His wife's name is Amal, not anal.

I still stand by my statement.

Action!

Otherwise known as,
"Let's get this over with."

Mr. George...

Uh-oh! I... hot!

Too hot!

I actually think that could go viral.

Damn! I hit the wrong thing.

Han! Han, do over!

My insides are on fire!

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I love Wednesdays.

I get to erase all the genitalia

that was drawn on the cupcake board.

And I love Thursdays
'cause I get to redraw them.

I need some more paper towels.

Oh, I think they're downstairs.

Max, you do fake stairs so well.

I know.

It's the second best thing I fake.

Hey, isn't that Andy?

My Andy?

Oh, God, it is Candy Andy.

He's coming over here.

Hey, Max. Wow.

Your chalkboard has really nice legs.

Hi.

- Hey.
- I know, so silly.

It's just I'm not very
good at seeing my exes.

Yeah, or hiding.

How's the candy business?

Sour? Nutty? Full of Nerds?

It's great. Candy's not going anywhere,

like my grandma's knee fat.

So you guys still over at the diner?

We aren't still at the diner.

This is our cupcake window.

Uh, hello?

Your shift at the diner
started five minutes ago!

Okay, we're still at the diner too.

We're here, we're there, we're all over.

Like herpes?

- Nice.
- Yeah.

So what brings you over here

besides obviously stalking
your ex-girlfriend?

Actually, I'm looking for a flower shop.

Oh, flowers for a girl you never got over?

Uh, no, for my fiancée.

Did he just say Beyoncé?

Actually, I'm getting married.

Coo.

Caroline, I'm sorry.

I was gonna call you and tell you,

but then I felt like
maybe you wouldn't care.

You know, I mean, it's been a long time.

I hope you're not hurt.

Hurt? I'm hurt.

Hurt that you didn't ask me
and Max to do your wedding cake!

Oh, God. I'll be downstairs.

Well, yeah.

Actually, Romy and I haven't
decided on a cake yet.

You know, she's pretty busy.
She runs her own business.

Ohh! Oh!

"The Business Bride."

Wasn't that Katherine Heigl's last movie?

The one that brought her back to TV?

Max, can you please come back upstairs?

I'm waiting for the elevator!

Is that Candy Andy?

Well, well.

You two getting back together again?

- Oh, I'm getting married.
- To someone else.

Oh, Lord, this is why I
don't like to be outside.

Well, I gotta run.

Not really. I'll be walking away.

But if you're serious about the cake...

So serious.

Major ser-i-osity!

In fact, it's our wedding gift to you.

- Oh, God.
- Max, stop.

There is no downstairs.

Yeah, it's not possible
to get any lower than this.

Okay, well...

how about I text you after I talk to Romy?

It was great seeing you, Caroline.

You too, Max.

You guys are gonna watch my
butt as I walk away, right?

You gonna make it clap for daddy?

I cannot make it clap, but
I can make it go, "Whoo!"

Um, couple things.

One, he's still hot.

And two, are you insane?

You want us to do your
ex-boyfriend's wedding cake?

Max, I broke up with him. Remember?

I'm a mature, evolved, sophisticated,

sexy but not in your face about it woman.

I can handle this.

I think it's a bad idea.

And I know bad ideas. I was one.

I...

broke up... with him.

Dramatic... talking...

is... annoying.

How's it going there, hot stuff?

Is your tongue working?

I'm gonna think of
another video to go viral

to set this place on fire, and if not,

I'll eventually have to
set this place on fire.

Either way, I'm not giving up.

You tell your clothes that?
'Cause they didn't get the memo.

Get this. Andy says that he and Romy

would love to meet us to
talk about wedding cakes

at their loft in Manhattan.

Queen Romy has summoned us

to a cake tasting at their loft!

Uh, can I borrow your phone for a sec?

There. I deleted his text.

I deleted his number.

I also deleted my number.

We aren't doing this.
You are not that cool.

Everyone knows that.

You're not. Cool girls don't freak out

when you cop a feel in the freezer.

Oh! Oh!

You know his number by heart.

This has nothing to do with my heart.

It's business. I broke up with him.

It's like you don't know
that I broke up with him.

I broke up with him. Didn't
know if you caught that

'cause my back was to you.

Hey, everybody!

Good news!

My baby was delivered today.

Oh, my God!

Did I black out for nine months again?

The baby didn't come out of my box, Earl.

It came out of this one.

Wow, you can really get anything on Amazon.

It's called a "Maybe Baby."

While Oleg and I are
trying to get pregnant,

we're gonna use it to
practice for the real thing.

So you're having a key-section?

Strangely, this is not the weirdest birth

we've seen at the diner.

Do you like him?

Weren't you the baby in "American Sniper"?

Yeah, it's got a computer
inside to keep track

of our parenting skills.

And if we get a score of over 92,

we get 20% at Papa John's.

Any Papa John's!

Well, you're having a fake
baby for all the right reasons.

The baby's here?

Aww, you're a father. Think fast!

Aww!

Our first father-son catch.

Let's get to know each other... "Bob"?

All they had left were the white babies.

The single actresses over 40
snap up all the minorities.

Hey, Max.

Could you maybe babysit
my Maybe Baby tomorrow?

You know, 'cause I-I
really need some me time.

Fine. 20 bucks an hour.

Extra in case he orders some adult movies

I've been wanting to see.

Okay, Max, wash your fancy sweatpants.

We are confirmed for Andy and Romy's

wedding cake tasting for tomorrow.

Andy? You mean that cute guy

that you ruined your relationship with?

Sophie, it wasn't the right relationship.

He didn't support my career.

The cupcake thing?

Pickup!

Like father like son.

Thank you guys so much for coming.

These cakes look so lovely.

They are.

Really nice place you got here.

I noticed there was a door on the bathroom.

I don't want to brag, but check
out all the outlets we got.

Lot of power. Two-prong, three-prong.

You got one of those weird European plugs?

Bring it.

How funny is he?

Oh, the funniest.

Oh, God.

So, Romy, it looks like you travel a lot.

I love all your...

Objet d'art.

Oh, God.

I'm a hat designer, so I go to Malaysia

and Sri Lanka a lot for materials.

I'm poor, so I go to
McDonald's and Taco Bell a lot

for my meals.

Oh, show 'em one of your hats, Romes.

The purple one Pippa Middleton
wore in "Star" magazine.

Oh! Pippa Middleton, wow.

She was up for a job on "The Today Show,"

but she didn't get it.

Andy, they don't want to see my hats.

Oh, Andy wants us to see your hats.

Let's see your hats.

Oh, this guy was there
when no one believed in me,

and he supported me in every way,

and now I'm in over a hundred
department stores worldwide.

Worldwide?

That is wide.

You know the tasting is for them, right?

Come on, let 'em see what you do.

Sorry, I'm a proud fiancé.

It's a little unmanly, but it's m'thing.

Ooh, I'll go get Black Dahlia.

Max will like that one.

Oh!

You okay?

Absolutely.

We didn't work out,
you found someone great,

supported her business, and
now you're getting married.

Pretty sure he meant, "Are you choking?"

Yup, that's where I was headed.

Caroline, you broke up with me.

She broke up with you?

I hadn't heard that.

See? All bitter... better.

Max, do you want to try it on?

Ahem, she doesn't need a hat.

Romes said I could have the sweet hat!

Oh, it looks adorable on
her. You should have it.

What is this, a hat tasting now?

Well, it's not a cupcake tasting anymore

'cause you ate them all.

You guys are hilarious. I
don't need to taste those.

You and Max are a part of Andy's past,

and I would honored if you'd do our cake

and come to the wedding as our guests.

Oh, that is a great idea.
Hey, there will be a lot

of self-destructive man-children there.

Max, feels like your kind of party.

And it's on this awesome yacht.

You know, technically it's not a yacht

unless it's over 40 feet.

Is it? Okay.

Come on. It'll be fun.

Gah! I don't know.

And I'm not really into fun.

You know, I've had fun
and it's not that fun.

Got it. What was I thinking?

Be weird for you, Caroline, right?

Weird?

Weird if we didn't come!

Oh, God.

Look at this, Max.

Cupcakes and candy.

This could have been me and Andy's cake.

Our perfect cake for our perfect marriage.

No marriage is perfect...
except Ice-T and Coco.

Now, he's not perfect.

You broke up with him for a reason.

Andy's out there now. Come here.

Music at a wedding? How original.

Oh, there he is.

He looks so handsome in a tuxedo.

Calm down. So does Jane Lynch.

He's not perfect. Look, there.

He's going in for a nose pick.

No, just a scratch.

He has such nice hands. Big hands.

And there's gonna be a ring on it soon.

He's looking over here! Oh, oh!

- He can't see me cry!
- Okay, come on.

Think of something bad about him.

Think, think, think, think, think.

Uh... he always took too
long to finish during sex!

Oh, wait. That's a good thing.

It is? All right, come on.

There had to be something terribly wrong

with that relationship.

There was. That I ended it.

I kicked the perfect guy
for me out of my life.

Yup, here come the tears.

And here comes Andy!

Uh, do you have a bathroom? Oh!

Hey! Thought I saw you
guys peeking out of here.

So you guys act weird everywhere?

Yup, that's our signature.

Got us bounced out of Six Flags.

Where's Caroline?

The pretty ladies' room.

Hmm.

So it looks like you're getting married

to Not Caroline.

How's she doing?

I'm getting the feeling
this has been hard for her.

Temperature check.

Okay, I don't understand.

Are you asking me to bend over?

What if Caroline thought
she might have made a mistake

by breaking up with you?
Would you consider being

a runaway groom and giving
it another shot with her?

Just a thought.

Well, I guess I'd have
to say it's too late.

I'm getting married to Romy. I love her.

So that's a firm no?

Uh, Max.

All yours now.

How about we pretend
like none of this happened

and you guys come watch
me get married, okay?

Andy, wait.

I'm sorry.

I really am happy for you.

Go live your life. I wish you well.

Thank you. That means a lot to me.

Um...

I really did love you.

I know.

Even though you broke up with me.

Yeah, even though I broke up with you.

I did it. I didn't cry.

Max, what's wrong?

You could have had it all!

Max, I've never seen you cry.

I'm sorry, but maybe
he was the perfect guy!

And he loved you! You heard him!

Max, it's okay. Nobody gets it all.

Max, turn around and look at me.

No, I don't want you to see me cry.

Max, turn around.

This hat doesn't even work!

Oh, hey, I was just
looking for the bathroom.

I wanted to get stoned
before Andy got hitched.

You got some love for
me and my friend here?

- We need it.
- Whoa.

They put candy on Andy's wedding cake?

Brutal, dude.

Why is it brutal, dude?

'Cause of the bald spot
where I ate the gumdrops?

No, I mean with Andy's
business in the toilet.

Andy's business is in the toilet?

Yeah, he had to close
it down, but it's cool.

Romy's, like, loaded now.

I can't believe Andy didn't tell me

his business was in the toilet.

Oh, bummer.

Looks like I gotta do
this wedding thing sobes.

As long as it's not me, right?

That stoner, who I can easily see

having very sloppy sex with later,

just saved the day 'cause
now we know Andy lied to you.

And I wouldn't want to be with
someone who can't be honest.

See? He is so not perfect.

You so would not have had it all.

- Caroline.
- Andy?

I'm kind of in a hurry but I
think you should know something.

I lost my business.

I didn't want to tell you
because I was too proud.

I wanted you to think my life
was perfect, and it's not.

I mean, it's great, but it's not perfect.

Okay, I gotta go get
married. See you out there.

All right, so he's perfect.

I guess I'm not taking this dress back

'cause we're swimming home.

We're not swimming.

We're gonna take the "I hate my life" boat.

Um, big news.

Andy and Romy are in
Mexico for their honeymoon.

Weather forecast?

Cloudy with a chance of diarrhea.

Um, can I borrow that for a sec?

Oh, you're on her Instagram.

Cute. Good-bye.

You unfollowed her?

Now it's gonna look like I'm jealous

and can't handle their happiness.

Ya can't!

Hey, everybody! Look!

I got our report card back
from the Maybe Baby people!

We passed the test!

We're gonna be solid "C" parents!

Well, that's a better
grade than the diner got.

I'm gonna miss that little guy.

What I'm not gonna miss is fighting it

to get to Sophie's boob.

Okay, people.

Are you leaving?

I hope it was something I said.

Well, I have a video
that is sure to go viral.

I'm gonna stuff myself in this suitcase

for the Williamsburg Diner challenge.

Caroline, you film it this time.

Max, you zip me up.

And I thought I'd be the
first one to die here.

I, Han Lee, nominate Mr. George Clooney

to the Williamsburg Diner challenge

of packing yourself in a suitcase.

I'm also a fan of "The
Men Who Stare At Goats."

Let 'er zip, Max!

Han... consider this my birthday present.

I got my Papa John's gift certificate.

Mama Sophie wants to
buy pizza for everyone!

Well, now is as good a time as any.

Hello?

Are you filming? Hello?

Don't tell George Clooney!

Anyone? Are you filming?

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