2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 5, Episode 19 - And the Attack of the Killer Apartment - full transcript

Here's your check.

Sorry about the entire experience.

Ugh.

You're gonna have to take
it the rest of the way.

I slept funny last year.

You know, I happen to be
a massage therapist,

and I happen to be broke,
so what do you say

I get that crick out of
your neck as your tip?

I miss being able to just say no.

Hold on, I have to run this by a person

who's been poor longer.

Sadly, that guy over there is
offering me a massage as a tip.

Sadly-er, I'm considering it.

Sadly-est, you were here when
that old woman punched me

in the breast and then
asked for change, right?

We're not doing great.

There's got to be somebody
doing worse than you two.

Like that guy who got
left on Mars last year.

Question, girls.

I'm making a healthier menu.

Should I advertise no trans fat,
or does that sound like

I'm trying to keep out Chaz Bono?

Not now, Han,
I have a massage scheduled.

All the stress of acting
like you're working

starting to get to you?

Oh.

OLEG: Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah!

Oh yeah.

- Yes!
- OLEG: Yeah.

- Oh, yes!
- OLEG: (moaning)

Yes!

Oh... yes!

Yes! Yes!

- (bell ringing)
- CAROLINE: Yes, yes, yes!

(squealing)

(bell ringing)

I just had what she's having.

(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

(cash register bell dings)

Max, are you busy right now?

- No, I'm at work.
- Cool.

I'm gonna call a staff meeting.

I used to call my driver to pick
up sushi during Gilmore Girls,

but now I call staff
meetings at a diner.

Hey!

Only I can call staff
meetings at the diner.

It's one of the perks of the job.

Well, it's the perk of the job.

Well, it's okay.

The staff meeting is
about the dessert bar

Max and I are opening
in our cupcake window.

If you want, Han,
you can call the meeting,

but I can't imagine
you'd be petty enough

to take the thrill away from Caroline.

Staff meeting!

See, this is what happens

when the mother cat
refuses to lick the runt.

Okay, so I'm checking on the
dessert bar assignments

I gave everyone.

Earl, did you call your cousin

at that liquor distributor
about getting us a discount?

Now, why would I call him?

I owe him $10,000 and a kidney.

So that's a "not yet."

I haven't done my thing, either.

(laughs)

Caroline, with all your
money from Hollywood,

you could pay other people
to do this stuff...

and also replace the
transmission on a 2012 Yaris.

We have to save all our movie
money for the dessert bar.

Believe it or not, my boobs
can't get us zoning permits.

But they did get us kicked out
of an architect's office.

Oleg, did you talk to your
connection at City Hall

about expediting our liquor license?

Yes, she told me,
"Don't ever sneak into my home

through the bathroom window again."

Oh, this is rich.

Now you two see some of
the hell I go through

as a small business owner.

No, you go through hell
'cause nobody wants to

see your small business.

Staff meeting over!

Small staff meeting.

Max, your boyfriend is a lawyer.

When you're at his hotel tonight,

can you ask him to look
at our liquor license?

Also, could you fill an ice
bucket with mini shampoos

and bring it home?

No on both counts.

You're not using Randy
for legal advice.

And as for the shampoo,
they switched to a pump

bolted to the wall,
'cause I was getting greedy.

Hey, Randy.

Hey, Earl.

Saw your rant on Twitter last night.

And I agree; what
self-respecting Sizzler

runs out of Sprite?

I put that on Twitter?

I thought I was writing
an email to my brother.

Hey there, beautiful.

Mm.

So I thought we'd try
something different tonight.

You on top?

No, I'm not talking about changing

our whole power dynamic.

I'm talking about staying
at your apartment.

So, you on bottom?

'Cause that's where I live.

No, really.

We're living in a fantasy world,
that hotel room.

I mean, a really sexy fantasy world,

with people cleaning up after us

and a maid who knew
you from high school.

Boy, was she surprised
to see me naked and alive.

I know I always am.

And Max, I've been to your apartment.

It wasn't that bad.

Uh, okay, fine.
We can stay at my place.

But it's BYOC.

Bring your own
carbon monoxide detector.

Well, here we are.

Slum, sweet slum.

She says that every time
she walks in here.

It's usually to scare the crack
addict out of our kitchen.

Allen, are you here?

All right, well, this is it.

What do you want to do now?

We usually go to sleep
so death comes sooner.

RANDY: You guys,
I can handle an apartment.

Don't let my broad shoulders, stubble,

and Adam's apple confuse you;
I am, in fact, a man.

Coming up straight
ahead is the kitchen.

But I don't have to tell you that.

You can smell the gas.

Fun fact: those paper towels
you see aren't actually paper,

but they do cause cancer.

(knocking)

Ooh, let me guess: the Grim Reaper?

No, the Grim Reaper comes
on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Hey, girls.

And Randy. Oh.

Someone's been taking
his handsome pills.

Well, they make them in chewable now.

Makes it a lot easier.

Oh, Randy's here?

Hey, hey, hey, bro.

We should hang upstairs later.

We can eat pizza and
watch dirty movies.

It's not delivery; it's DiPorno.

That's a hard no.

Girls, we need to store
some stuff in your place.

Oleg and I are baby-proofing
our apartment.

My mom baby-proofed our house for me.

She put a club on the steering wheel.

So in this duffle bag, I have...

He's opening it!

Randy, close your eyes!

Relax.

It's just swords

and sex toys.

Oh, I think one of them's both.

Are you referring to sex-calibur?

Oh, I love this one.

This is the sword we used

when we were playing
Bonan the Barbarian.

SOPHIE: And you know what?

It's good to give to the
less sexually fortunate.

Yeah.

The sex toys are for you, Caroline.

I'm good, I had a massage.

Hiya!

What are you doing?

This is how all the great
ninjas eat their bagels.

CAROLINE: Where's Randy?

Did he go back to the
land of not-expired milk,

and not-expired honey?

No, he's stronger than I thought.

Much like that little person
I arm wrestled at Chelsea Piers.

I love it here.

I just took the grayest
shower of my life.

Did you just say
"grayest" or "greatest"?

No, I said gray.

I was being kind.

It was brown.

All right, well, come on,
your sword bagel is ready.

God, I do miss having sex.

Also, what is the deal with...

Oh! God! Oh!

Ugh, I just stepped on
something painful.

Really painful!

Is there a nail sticking
up through the floor?

[gasps]

Oh no, he stepped on
Nail Patrick Harris!

Oh, I forgot to warn you
about that stupid nail.

It's been there forever.
I just know to avoid it by now.

Everyone does; that's why we named it

"Nail Patrick Harris."

Are you okay?

You look like you're in a lot of pain.

Do you want to roll the dice

with one of the pills in the couch?

I'm fine. It's not that bad.

Okay, well lift up your foot.
Let me see.

(grunting)

(screaming)

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

Randy?

This is bad.

I think we have to
take you to Hapitalito.

Well, I must be losing consciousness.

That sounded like gibberish.

No, you heard me right,
I said Hapitalito.

That's our healthcare provider.

It's a guy with a shopping
cart filled with Band-Aids,

and most of them aren't used.

Max, I have insurance.

Well, I don't think he takes insurance,

but if you have old TCBY cards,

five is good for "uno surgeria."

Well, maybe it stopped.

(screaming)

I'm Carrie! I'm Carrie at the prom!

Caroline, come on, we have to go.

I'm already covered in blood.
Just leave me to die.

MAX: Oh, calm down!

If this had happened with
any of my regular type of guys,

you'd be halfway to Hep C right now.

Help! Help!

My apartment tried
to kill my boyfriend!

He's gonna die!

I'm not gonna die, Max.

Although, this CVS bag
you tied around my foot

has completely cut off the circulation.

And the ten-foot receipt's
caught in the wound.

My boyfriend needs medical attention.

Oh, really?

I thought he was here
for a sensible pantsuit

at a reasonable price.

Oh, I recognize you

from the last time we were in here.

I wasn't attracted to you then,

but I see you've added balding
and a beard to the mix.

Ha, ha, I remember you too.

The devil wears Target.

We need a good doctor,

so he better not be from America.

'Cause he has insurance.

Show him the card, Randy.

(gasps)

Could I touch it?

Oh, good for you, a PPO.

You know, I cleaned up
some PPO right there.

Come on, this is serious!

He might have "Tetris"!

He's got the beloved
Russian puzzle game?

Are you sure he doesn't
have a case of the

Super Mario Brothers?

Well, there's a lot of
people ahead of you,

so why don't you take
your boyfriend's boo boo

and sit down?

Fine.

But he better not die,
'cause if he does,

I'm gonna take those buttons
and pin them to your sack.

Promise?

Damn it!

I guess we're gonna be here forever.

The exact amount of time
Caroline's shower took.

Oh, so it's my fault your boyfriend

Freddy Krueger-ed all over me?

Caroline, I am so sorry.

That's okay, Randy.

You can make it up to me.

Right now!

I just so happen to have our
liquor license application,

if you want to take a look-see.

Do you also want to be pinned to
that albino's sack, Caroline?

Okay, coming through.

Okay, let me clear a path.

Now I know how my grandma Dorothy felt.

Oh, good, you're back.

Randy, are you okay?

Oh, I'm fine.

Did some shopping
after you left the ER.

Like my new bag?

Ooh.

If you need a clutch to match,

I have something similar in Ziploc.

Because the nail was rusted
and the open wound

touched our floor, they gave
Randy an IV of antibiotics.

And not even a whisper
of Vicodin for old Maxie.

Well, Max, one of us has to go to work

and pretend both of us are there.

Well, it's gonna have to be you.

I can't leave Randy here.

It's like a haunted house,
but the dangers are real.

Max, you're going to work.

I'll be fine here.

I had a time-share with Sean Penn.

I'm not going anywhere.

It's my fault you got
nailed in my apartment,

and I'm staying here to protect you.

You're going to work.

I'll be okay.

But you're very cute
when you're worried.

Like when you thought the hotel
didn't get Cartoon Network.

All right, fine.

But call me if you
need me to come back.

I'll tell Han I'm working the
rest of my shift from home.

Oh, my God!

I just remembered I didn't tell Randy

about the pothole in my bedroom.

Max, relax.

I haven't seen you this anxious

since the Dominos
pizza tracker went down.

Look, woman!

Randy came to New York to see
if our relationship could work,

but we never should
have left that hotel.

It's like when you go to Vegas
and wander off the strip

and wind up in a
residential neighborhood.

You can't come back from that.

It's how I wound up living
two years in someone's shed.

I suppose the motivational newsletter

I sent out this morning
didn't do any good.

I don't even know why I bother
publishing What's Going Han?

I like the comic strip
about the fat squirrel.

That picture was me!

It can't be you; he had nuts.

And that lady at table four ordered

before she started knitting
that sweater she's now wearing.

(cell phone rings)

Oh, good, it's Randy.

Hey, I forgot to tell you,

you can't drink the tap water

within five minutes after
flushing the toilet.

Well, can you make yourself throw up?

(bell dings)

Pickup: breakfast burrito.

Randy called our landlord

to complain about Nail Patrick Harris!

I'd rather see him host
something than Ricky Gervais.

We get it: you're mean,
you fat bastard.

Randy called the landlord?

But we're illegal subletters!

We're squatters there!

And over most toilets.

Come on, Caroline,
we have to get to the apartment

before the landlord does.

You're leaving?

The tollbooth operator
who won Powerball

stayed at their job longer.

Randy, we got to go!

I'll start packing!
You saddle up Chestnut.

Yeah, I know the drill:
one pair of shoes,

something you can carry on your back,

and a sun hat for Guatemala...

I mean, wherever we're headed.

Randy, you better drink up
the rest of the that IV fluid,

'cause carrying that around
is just gonna slow us down.

Max, what in the hell is going on?

Why are you freaking out?

I called the landlord about a nail,

not the FBI about your passport...

Frank Delaport.

Randy, we're not on the
lease to this apartment.

Oh...

Okay, I'm ready.

I just need ten minutes
to saddle up Chestnut.

It'll give me time
to practice my accent.

We're totally screwed now.

Thanks a lot.

This is why we should
have stayed in the hotel.

You could have screwed me there
and I would have loved it.

Max, I just didn't want you

to live with a nail
sticking out of your floor,

and I knew you wouldn't fix it yourself.

What is that supposed to mean?

It's like you don't realize

you don't have to live like this.

Oh, great.

It's like I'm in a relationship

with my high school guidance counselor.

Again.

You know, your life
can be a whole lot better

than you think it can be.

Why don't you just hammer the nail in?

Because we are used to it.

We just ignore it,
like the rain in my bedroom.

I knew my apartment
would be too real for you,

and now it's not even
gonna be my apartment.

All right, Max.

I put the double saddle on Chestnut,

filled the satchel with trail mix.

That should get us to the
George Washington Bridge.

(knocking)

Nobody has to go anywhere.

Not even your friend, the giant piñata.

- Let me deal with this.
- MAX: But...

we've never met this guy!

All we know about him

is that even the guy in
2A is afraid of him,

and he was married to Kirstie Alley.

I can handle myself.

Hand me my fluids.

That sounded not manly.

RANDY: Hey, sport, thanks for coming.

He can't talk his way out of this.

He's wasting his time.

He might as well be
trying to teach shapes

to Kendall Jenner.

RANDY: No, no, you listen!

Well, Randy's dead.

No matter how many boyfriends
I bury, it's never easy.

I can't believe we're
getting kicked out like this.

In my fantasy, I bought the building

and opened a sadness museum.

Okay, that's it.

Took care of the landlord.

You killed him?

I'll call Oleg;
we'll get his friend's truck

and take it from here.

Okay, first, I believe that you have

and would cover up a murder.

But nobody's dead.

I just explained to him the situation,

and you're not getting kicked out.

All right, which one of
us has to marry him?

I'll go get my wedding sweatpants.

I just explained to
him that I'm a lawyer

who sustained an injury
on his property.

Then I mentioned the faulty
wiring, the gas leak,

the various wildlife living here,

and, oh... that I'm a lawyer.

The word "lawyer" makes
people crap their pants.

It's like the juice
cleanse of professions.

And that is why you get the
next two months rent-free,

and you are now
officially on the lease.

- (gasps)
- We're on the lease?

We're legit?

I have never been legit.

According to my birth certificate,

I'm actually a Cabbage Patch doll.

Thank you so much, Randy.

I'm gonna go tell
Chestnut the good news.

CAROLINE: Chestnut!

How about that?

Your new name doesn't have to be Pablo.

Thank you.

I don't know what she would have done.

She is not made for the streets.

She's not even made for polyester.

This is awkward.

Just trying to get a horse
out of a tiny doorway.

All right, up.

I have to get back to the hotel.

Have you seen my protective bootie?

Wait, why are you taking your
booties back to the hotel?

Well, you're obviously not
comfortable with me being here.

No one's comfortable being here.

It's here.

Look, Max.

I wanted to stay here because
I wanted to see how you live.

Now I know you live on an
Indian food burial ground.

You know what? You're right.

My life can be better.

We don't have hammer money yet, so...

(pounding)

You know what time it is?

It's hammer time!

Well, that's the end of
Nail Patrick Harris.

Are you kidding?

With charisma like that,
he's not going anywhere.

I think we just got
through our first fight.

And only one of us had
to go to the hospital,

so I think that's pretty good.

I think that is pretty good.

You know what else I think?

I love you.

I love you too.

CAROLINE: Aw!

That is so sweet.

I'll give you two some privacy.

I'll be in my room.

Caroline...

Even as a mime, you're still hot.

While you were at work,
I filled out your application

for the liquor license.

Randy, I love you too.

Sorry, the walls are thin,
and I was listening.

(knocking)

Hey, girls.

And Randy. Oh...

I'm gonna need my duffle bag back.

I hate to be an Uzbeki-giver,

but I really miss my vibrating pearl.

Are these supposed to
be doing other things?

Oh, no, does this mean
you want your swords back?

'Cause I was gonna
butter some toast later.

I'm sorry, Caroline.

We really missed our sex toys.

It's not as exciting when I just
put double-A batteries in Oleg.

(sputtering)

MAX: That's weird.

Sophie's the one with sex toys,
I'm the one with the boyfriend,

and Caroline's the one who's wet.

(cash register bell dings)