2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 5, Episode 16 - And the Pity Party Bus - full transcript

Earl, I told you to mop the entrance.

That floor is dirtier than Bob Saget

at a Comedy Central roast.

You know what it sounds
like you need, cranky lady?

A Midol and a Dove bar.

You watch it, too, Oleg.

Like Earl's hip, you can be replaced.

Have you noticed since Max
and Caroline have been away,

Han is getting a little
big for his bitches?

Did I say bitches?

'Cause I meant to.

I will not be bossed around by someone

40 years younger than me.

He is not my second wife.

I am calling diner security.

What's up, Earl?

I mean, besides your blood pressure.

When are you coming back?

We're coming back tomorrow night.

Caroline's about to
sign the movie contract,

which means I don't have
to come home UPS Ground.

Are you on the phone with the diner?

I feel like I can smell it.

I don't think any of us

are gonna make it past tomorrow.

Han's been walking around
like he owns the place.

I do own the place!

Boy, Uber drivers do
not like to be tickled.

And speaking of things
no one would see coming,

I used the F-word with Randy.

Who wouldn't see that coming?

You use the F-word all the time...

usually around children or clergy.

No, the F-word as in "future."

Max, you made plans for the future?

You won't even make
dinner plans with me.

You always say, "Who knows if
we'll still be friends by then?"

Well, you always ask me,
like, five hours ahead of time.

Max, I'm gonna go ahead
and use the C-word.

I'm calling you and Randy a couple.

I'm gonna say something,

and I don't want it to go to your head.

You're right, bitch.

See, Max, it all worked out,

right up until what I'm
about to say right now.

We have to take the shuttle
to the airport tomorrow,

'cause we're still poor for
another 27 business days.

Let's go out in style
and get a party bus.

After all these years, we still have

such different concepts of style.

Come on!

With a stripper pole

and a Crock-Pot of cocktail weenies.

I danced on a party bus for a year,

not for money.

We are not taking a party bus.

This isn't your super sweet 16.

I didn't have a sweet 16.

I was in plumbing school.

Hey, everybody.

I don't know what's going on,

but people on the elevator
were looking at me funny.

Sophie!

What?

Do I have spinach in my teeth?

Uh, no spinach, but about 25
needles stuck in your face.

Yeah, they're helping me get pregnant.

My healer Audra sent me to Mao,

the acupuncturist to the stars.

Yep, he's poked more famous
people than John Mayer.

Sophie, you're not supposed
to leave with those needles,

just like we're not supposed
to leave with these vases.

Tell you what, I'm gonna
do what I used to do

for my Aunt Becky at the Elks Lodge.

I'm gonna get some
pricks out of your face.

Max, do you think Randy
invited me to dinner

to witness him asking
you to be bi-coastal?

'Cause I don't think
this mascara's waterproof,

and I'm definitely gonna cry

happy and a few jealous tears.

I'm never been bi-coastal.

I was bisexual for a week,

but that's mostly
because I was hitchhiking.

There they are.

Oh, this is the table
where we first met,

and you thought I was a cheap hooker.

And you were only half right.

Here they come, more
jealous than I expected.

Let's celebrate.

It's a big night for both of you.

Caroline, your movie deal closed,

and Max, I found your sock.

It was under my refrigerator.

Oh, that makes sense.

I was trying to fish an
M&M out from under there

with a fishing hook I made
with a fork and my sock.

I was so excited about getting the M&M

that I abandoned the sock.

Max, you know you
don't have to eat candy

that fell on the floor anymore.

I still will, but it's nice
to know I don't have to.

Oh, my God, your whole life is changing.

We're just waiting for someone else.

Oh, no, did you invite a guy for me?

I wish I'd known,

'cause I only shaved up
to the bottom of my dress.

It's not a date for you.

It's someone here for me and Max.

Wow, I don't usually bring up threesomes

till the one-month mark when
things start to go stale.

Oh, definitely wasn't
picturing this guy.

Hello, I'm Elliot Charles.

Okay, two first names,
slightly more interesting.

So doing the orgy math
here, there's four of us,

and out of the four, Max
and I can't touch naked.

Her rule, not mine.

Oh, I'm not here in a sexual capacity.

I'm Randy's therapist.

And I guess we should get started.

I do have a 9:00 in the valley.

A 13-year-old girl is coming
out to her vegan parents

as meat-curious.

Um, what's happening?

Look, Max... Elliot?

Look, Max, my patient, Randy,

is breaking up with you.

What?

Max, I know this sounds abrupt.

Elliot?

Max, in my practice, I developed

the ripping-the-Band-Aid-off technique.

You'll read about it in my book someday,

if I ever finish it,

but that's between me and my therapist.

He's not speaking to me right now

because of a couch spill.

And I'd be mad as hell about it

if I didn't completely understand it!

And now, again, what's happening?

Because it seems like
you're breaking up with me

using a therapist.

It does seem that way.

Elliot?

He is breaking up with
you using a therapist.

Look, Randy?

Caroline.

Look, Elliot, you tell
Randy to be a grown-up

and break up with her over text.

At least send her a
"Bye, Felicia" bitmoji.

- Let's go.
- Max, don't go like this.

Elliot, don't let Max go like this.

Max, you're hurt.

You're feeling abandoned.

What would be really
helpful to you right now

is my book, if I can just
get one chapter on paper.

I think people would
benefit a lot from the book.

Well, we're leaving.

This is shocking,

and it's really hard to shock me

since that time I saw a mouse

dry-humping a potato on my couch.

You know what?

You can keep my sock.

On second thought, I need it.

Max, wait.

I am just gonna go,
because the last time

I was this mad, someone lost an eyebrow.

And it took me a long time

to grow it back.

Thank you.

Max, hurry!

We have to leave now to
take Sophie to the healer

and still be at the airport by noon.

I brushed your hair
when you were passed out.

I can't move any faster.

I think this escalator's broken.

I tried to stop you from
drinking bottle number 32,

which was sriracha.

But you tied me to that chair so well.

Well, since drinking that hot sauce,

I've been tied to a different chair.

I have something to
make you feel better.

I doubt it.

Unless it's a diaper full of ice.

It's not that. I'll meet you outside.

Okay, okay, remember that party bus

I never wanted and you
probably don't want now?

- Surprise!
- Good timing.

I'm feeling suicidal,
and I've always wanted

to be buried in something like this.

Aw, come on, Max, cheer up.

You're getting two poles
for the price of one.

This is the first time a party bus

hasn't fixed every problem I have.

Well, you haven't seen

my "Stars and Stripes Forever" routine.

Um, Bert, is this rum

supposed to have a cigarette butt in it?

If you gonna puke,
please aim for the floor.

I can hose it down.

Otherwise, I'm finding corn
in the pleather for months.

Well, if I throw up today,
it's not 'cause I'm having fun.

I'm just happy because, finally,

there's ladies in the bus
not wearing penis helmets.

Nope, they were all out of penises,

so I had to settle for balls.

Here, girls.

Nope, I will day drink on a bus,

but I will not put balls on my head.

And you wonder why you're single.

Ugh, there's that crazy
expensive sushi place

where Randy and I ate.

And there's the taco place
we had to eat at afterwards

'cause we were still hungry.

Max, please, you have
to put Randy behind you.

And there's the parking spot
where I put Randy behind me.

Bert, did we sign up for the Hollywood

relationship death tour?

If so, I'd like to hit
the Affleck-Garner house.

And right up there is where he lives.

We'd make a right at that
super ripped homeless guy,

and in two or three blocks,
we'd be at Randy's house.

Oh, no, "we do this," and "we do that."

She's "we"-ing.

As long as nobody wees on the seats,

we'll be fine.

Bert, turn off there, up that street.

No, wait, what are you doing?

You're getting closure.

I want him to face you
without that lame therapist.

Just you and him face-to-testicle.

Ladies, just how stalker-y
are we getting here?

Like a drive around the cul-de-sac?

Or a full-on Demi Moore outside
of Mila Kunis' yoga class?

Ooh, there it is.

Up there on the left.

Yep, there it is.

And there he is letting the dog out.

Oh, and he's only wearing a towel.

Ah, yeah.

Now I get it, Max.

Bert, go. This was a bad idea.

No, this is a great idea.

I am not letting you
take this bad feeling

back to New York.

Bert, open the door. I'm going out.

Bert, close the door. Let's roll.

I, uh, wanted to put some clothes on,

but Caroline wouldn't let me.

Oh, that's the smartest
thing Caroline's done

since I've met her.

Max.

I'm not here.

Max, I can see your
balls behind that pillow.

I can see your balls behind that...

Sophie! Come on.

This is sad.

Oh, well not from where I'm sitting.

Max, I'm sorry about
the way I handled things.

I just don't know how
to break things off.

It's why I was the lawyer

on the last three Adam Sandler movies.

Why?

I just need to know why.

Because I'm too young? I'm too old?

Is there someone else?
You're married? You're gay?

With a body like that, gay
is definitely on the table.

You want the truth?

I like you too much.

That's why I didn't break it off sooner.

I didn't want it to end.

That's why you're breaking up with me?

Because you like me too much?

At least have another family in Mexico.

Max, I've done the long-distance thing.

It's just putting off the inevitable.

You have a life there.
I have a life here.

It doesn't work.

Please don't hate me.

Be easier if I could.

Yep, here they come.

Pardon me?

Are we still firing
your housekeeper today?

Oh, nice hat.

Confirms that theory that women in LA

are the ones with balls.

This is it, girls.

This is where my healer
does all her magic.

Yeah, you know, she must
sweat a lot doing it,

'cause it smells like
it looks in here, right?

What do you think's in those jars?

Every fart that's ever
been held in at yoga?

Are you okay, Max?

I guess.

I just wish you told me closure

feels like someone just slammed my nuts

in the trunk of a Pontiac.

Sophie, we have to be at
the airport in an hour.

Yes, but Audra is my last
chance at getting pregnant.

She'll be ready when she's ready.

I mean, look around.

She's a professional.

Have you seen an orange cat?

A little depressed, Sagittarius?

Wait, Garfield lives here?

Audra, this is Max and Caroline.

You know, I rarely say this to a lady,

but... oh, put a baby in me.

Absolutely.

Hmm?

You think... you don't... okay.

Go ahead.

I'm sorry, I'm just conferring
with my spirit guides.

Well, if you all talk at
once, I can't understand you.

Got it.

They're telling me that someone here

just had their heart broken.

It's you.

Oh, my God, Max.

Come closer to me. Come over here.

Oh, gosh, thanks a lot.

You're bogarting my witch.

These spirits don't lie.

Mm-mm.

A little too honest sometimes.

I mean, I didn't ask them
if they like my bangs,

but they sure told me.

It was a whole thing.

You don't need to help me.

I'll get over the Randy thing.

I've been through worse things,

like this right now.

No.

They're insisting that I help you.

Grab me a jar.

That's where we store the pain...

and lentils, once you're healed.

Great.

No guy, but now I have a
middle-aged lesbian lover.

All right, it's out.

I thought I was gonna have
to move to a bigger jar.

You must've really liked this guy.

He was okay.

Well, he's crushed.

He really liked you too.

Never thought a jar
could make me feel better

that wasn't filled with peanut brittle.

Oh, please, spirits, put a baby in me!

All right, here we go.

Quiet, everybody.

Let me just close the door.

Okay.

Oh, wait.

There's still some other unrest here.

Oh, no, that's way too big.

It's something else.

Oh, really?

Oh, you're telling...

Sure, sure.

Okay. Hold on.

I can't put a baby in you.

Sorry, Sophie.

You can't?

You made me put needles in my eyes.

Put me on with them.

Hey, I'm on your side.

Her bangs are ridiculous.

Hey, Earl, we're back.

Hi, girls.

Let me be the first to say welcome back,

and also, my deepest sympathies.

How are you, Max?

I just flew in from LA,

and boy, are my arms tired

from hitting the person next to me.

They would not stop fidgeting.

I had to pee, and you
wouldn't let me out.

Max, Caroline, you're back!

I mean... hello, how are you?

Han, did you miss us?

Oh, please, I miss you like
America misses Radio Shack.

Surprisingly, it left a hole.

I saw you leave a hole once...

on Groundhog Day.

Max, Caroline, where's Sophie?

I missed her so much.

You know what they say:

absence makes me have to
masturbate almost constantly.

So what did the healer say?

We'll let her tell you.

Hey, everybody!

I'm back from California.

I hope I didn't, like,

totally pick up an accent, dude.

Oh, I was worried Jeremy Renner

would make you the last
thing he'd ever be in.

And I was worried you'd say
something exactly like that.

Well, I'll be in my booth.

So what did the healer say?

How soon can we get a baby in you?

Oh, well, the truth is, Oleg,

the healer said that
she wouldn't be able

to help me get pregnant.

Oh, Sophie. Why not?

Well, the reason

that I can't get pregnant is...

I'm already pregnant!

Yeah!

I'm gonna be a father?

Yes, I'm three months along.

Yeah, no, that's the last time

I'll buy a pregnancy test off a boat.

Well, let's bust out the very cheap,

non-alcoholic champagne.

Non-alcoholic?

Yeah, Sophie can't drink
when she's pregnant.

Oh, all right.

Well, then, the five martinis

that I had on the plane were my last.