2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 4, Episode 6 - And the Model Apartment - full transcript

Okay, Max.
How would you describe our apartment?
And I've already ruled out
"worse than that girl-pit in silence of the lambs."
Well, at least she had some silence once in awhile.
Look, no one's gonna pay money to rent this dump.
We haven't in six months.
Everyone else in williamsburg is making money
renting their crappy places on airbnb.
It's all how you describe it.
So let's start lying.
This is a fantastic idea and I really want to do this.
First question: "Describe your neighborhood."
Run-down with a bunch of rats.
Old-world charm. Pet-friendly.
"What type of people live there?"
Junkies, whores, homeless.
Actors.
"Do you have a hot tub?"
Sometimes.
"Gym?"
Two. Gay Jim upstairs,
and straight Jim across the hall
who's only gay when he's drunk.
"When is your space available?
Always, sometimes, one time."
Oh, just like our sex lives.
Always for me, sometimes out of boredom,
and one time for you.
(peter bjorn and John) ¶ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ¶
[cash register bell dings]
¶ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ¶
Earl, guess what Max and I did.
I know what you didn't do.
Clean this dessert carousel.
There's a Napoleon in here since Napoleon.
We rented our apartment on airbnb.
You rented to arabs?
Well, good luck getting it back.
They tend to be a tad territorial.
Airbnb is an agency that rents to out-of-towners
and I'm guessing local men cheating on their wives.
Well, I did it.
I know.
When you were 18 with prince Harry.
Or so you say.
We have three offers for our apartment.
How?
Let me rephrase that.
How!
I found the perfect sales pitch.
"Stay at the place where dreams die"?
"Have the authentic williamsburg experience."
Oh, you mean getting clumsily felt up
by a guy who looks like he came from the gold rush?
Anyone can stay at a hotel.
But how often can you say you went to New York
and stayed at a "Brooklyn bohemian barn apartment
with a live-in horse"?
Girl, you are good.
So now we just have to pick who gets our apartment.
A guy looking to get away from it all.
That's a suicide.
You're right. We lie, they lie.
Um, a married couple looking to reconnect.
Murder-suicide.
And finally, a girls' getaway weekend
for some fashion model friends.
A couple of chubby girls looking to murder
some pints of Ben and Jerry's.
With maybe a sui-side of Mac and cheese.
Hey, everybody.
Yeah, the temperature be droppin'
and the bitches be nippin'.
I need a hot chocolate.
I'm right, Sophie.
And I'm right here, Earl.
I mean, I get it,
but bro code, man.
Well, big news.
I'm going on a trip.
Mushrooms or acid?
I'm going to Vermont!
Oh, you're gonna be gone?
Would you mind letting us stay upstairs at your place?
We're renting out our apartment.
You're renting out that dump?
Oh, are they filming survivor at your place?
[Coughing]
So when are these losers arriving?
They're not losers.
They're just girls paying us to have a fun weekend
in our apartment.
What losers!
[Knock at door]
Now that is a hand that's scooped some ice cream.
Hi, are you Caroline?
Oh, my god. They really are models.
Hi, I'm Lily.
Oh shoot, now I'm gay.
Lily? As in Lily aldridge?
And I'm Martha.
Hunt? Martha hunt and Lily aldridge?
Max, do you know who they are?
Sure do.
This one is the girl that I leave this one for.
No, Max, they're all Victoria's secret models.
Yeah, we all wanted to hang out in New York
before we leave for London.
We're doing a fashion show there.
I worked at the Victoria's secret at the mall for one day.
Got fired for eating panda express over the thongs.
This is Max. I'm Caroline.
I used to be rich.
I just felt like I needed to say that.
And these are our friends, Petra, Gabriella, and rina.
(All three) Hi.
What are the odds you're all named after Columbus's ships.
Come in. Welcome to "the williamsburg experience."
It's bigger than it looks in the photo.
Well, I shaved of a couple of inches for the photo.
You know the drill.
So why the hell are you staying here?
Is this training for when your looks run out?
Oh, look. The kitchen is so cute!
Question: How do you walk the runway blind?
It's just that we stay at the same four seasons
all the time.
Well, you will experience at least two seasons here,
'cause the thermostat's broken.
It's 40 outside and 100 in here.
So as advertised, this is our sauna.
And our bohemian barn's right out that door.
Just follow the temperature drop.
Max, super models are staying at our apartment.
It's so exciting, I want to tell all my friends.
I guess I just did.
I see you met Chestnut.
That's his real mane, not extensions.
Also per our ad, a charming skylight.
In case you want to sit under the stars
and have a little peace and quiet.
Hey, girls!
Come up already.
I want to get to my college reunion.
Can you believe it's been 10 years?
Wow, time sure does lie--
I mean, fly.
(Martha) - You talk to your neighbors?
I talked to my neighbor once and the next thing you know,
I have this long letter from Naomi watts
saying, "leave my husband alone."
So we've known each other like five minutes already.
Where's my free bra?
I mean, all that's left of this one is the frames.
Trust me, it's like a burlesque show under here.
Sophie's apartment is amazing.
It looks like an easter bunny banged a golden girl.
That was some showerhead.
I'd marry it, but it's already attached...
To the wall.
Max?
Here!
Oh, this bed is like being in the womb
without all the second-hand smoke.
Martha and Lily were super-sweet.
So exciting to be back hanging with celebrities.
Yeah and maybe now you can get a new celebrity story.
I was getting really tired of hearing how someone thought
you were Gwyneth Paltrow from behind.
Still flattering.
[Laughter]
Laughter?
Coming from our apartment?
What do you think they're laughing at?
Probably found our account balance on an atm slip.
I bet Martha said something funny.
She's hilarious.
You know, for someone who's so pretty,
she never had to develop a personality.
I'm gonna go see.
Max, give me a shove.
This is good practice for the eventual cliff.
[Indistinct chatter]
(Lily) Beers and wings.
(Martha) Beers and wings.
Now it's a party.
Max, you know how when it gets hot down there,
we just sit, sweat, and point the fan at our junk?
They do it a little differently.
They are dancing in their underwear,
drinking beers.
So? The guy on the corner does that all the time.
[Models toasting beers]
I can't take my eyes off those beers.
(Lily) Hey! Hi, you guys.
(Caroline) Great, now we're Justin bieber!
(Lily) You wanna come down, and have some beers,
and cool off?
Be right down!
Now I wish I had those wings, I could get down there faster.
Okay. So what is this big news?
Did the health inspector find out
that the imitation crab meat is cat?
Technically, it's imitation cat,
but that's not what we're announcing.
I'm here.
And make this snappy. I'm in the middle of something.
Puberty?
No. I was on a call with Ripley's believe it or not
to inform them that you still work here.
And they didn't believe it.
Okay. We have some friends coming in for a meal
and we don't want you guys to embarrass us and overreact.
Darlin', I don't overreact.
I'm 70-something years old with a history of heart trouble.
I keep it in check.
Hey, Max!
And I keep my heart pills in my pocket.
Excuse me, much as I enjoy the view,
I really want that "100th birthday" shout out
from al roker.
Yes, they're Victoria's secret models and our friends.
Last night we all stayed up late trashing Kate moss.
Models in my diner!
Oh, no. I wore the wrong sweater vest.
You also wore the wrong face, body, and personality.
Max, let's go say hi.
How do I look?
Like a waitress.
Damn it, it's the waitress uniform, isn't it?
What's up, homies?
What's up, homie?
I love my life again.
Well, it's been a whole day since we met,
so where's that free bra?
Max!
What? This one's on it's last legs.
Last night I heard it coughing.
Could also use some new underwear.
Mine are running on fumes.
I just texted David.
He's coming.
This is going to be an amazing party.
Party? - Yeah.
We're having some friends over.
Cool.
Yeah? - Yeah.
And like Max said, "cool!"
Jeez, pull it back.
You're acting needier than Sofia vergara
on a red carpet.
Big fan.
Big, big fan.
Compliments of the chef.
My specialty, popsicles.
I find they taste best when sucked slowly,
using plenty of tongue, facing the kitchen.
I can't believe we're not invited
to the biggest party in our apartment
since those ants found your jelly beans.
Yoo-hoo!
Hi, so we're just up here hangin' out.
Doin' our thang.
(Lily) Oh, sorry, girl. Did we wake you?
Go back to sleep.
"Go back to sleep"?
Why does she think we're so lame?
Um, I don't know.
Maybe it's 'cause you're throwing around words
like "yoo-hoo" and "thang," like a mom bringing cheetos
down to a slumber party.
This is your fault.
They were obsessed with us until you started asking
for bras like some bra-less homeless person.
We're never gonna sleep with all that music.
Check the drawer, Sophie must have ear plugs.
I mean, she lives upstairs from you.
I found plugs, but I don't think they're for your ears.
It's fine, we'll just pop downstairs and say hello.
Fashion's my scene.
Know what I'm seeing? That price tag.
Oh, tuck it back in, I have to return it.
Okay. Remember our deal.
I got up and got dressed so you're my slave for life.
Oh, hi, girls.
I thought you were the man with the Greek food.
Wow, I have definitely got to start waxing my upper lip more.
Sophie, why aren't you in Vermont?
Oh, I lied.
I didn't go to Vermont.
I mean, it's far and I'm not a lesbian.
No, I stayed in town to spy on Oleg.
I mean, I know you girls think that I'm perfect,
but I have trust issues.
Well then, whose apartment is that?
I'm staying at Jim's.
Straight Jim's or gay Jim's?
Sophie, you forgot your purse.
Oh, I think this is mine.
Just kidding, it's yours.
What's up, salt n' pepa?
(Both) Gay Jim's.
Oh, girls, please don't tell Oleg that I'm here.
You know, I've been following him around
to see what he would do if I was not in town.
And so far, you know, he's been cool.
But you know the old saying:
"Cheat on me once, shame on you.
Cheat on me twice, your balls are in a jar."
Oh, my god! There's a man standing in our doorway.
I have a doorman again.
Weird to see a man standing in our doorway
without a warrant, an eviction notice,
or a Bible.
Excuse me, this is our apartment.
Yeah, we live here all the time.
No biggie.
No biggie, and no electricity, no lease-y.
Hi, I'm Caroline. This is Max.
We live here.
Not according to the list.
Sir, look, we do live her. I have a key.
The key is to be on the list, which you are not.
Okay, I can prove we live here.
Go over to the window, kick the side of radiator,
a panel will open up.
You'll find a half-smoked joint and another half-smoked joint.
Proving--
what? That you're a poor pot head?
This is crazy.
I can't believe I'm begging to get into a place
I've been trying to get out of.
It's a very exclusive party.
It's a dump.
I should know. I live here.
(Caroline) This night couldn't get any worse.
Turn that light off.
I'm watching the Victoria's secret super model party
with my night vision goggles.
And updating.
Oleg, how did you get in here?
How do you think?
It's my girlfriend's apartment.
I broke in.
Yes, Oleg, it's your girlfriend's apartment
where you're sitting in the dark,
watching models out the window with night vision goggles.
Hey! My pants are on!
No, they are not!
Not my fault.
Five Victoria's secret super models downstairs?
They took themselves off.
So what are you saying? You're the victim here?
What would Sophie say if she came home
and saw you sitting here?
She'd say, "stop hogging the goggles."
Oleg, let me just say this:
Vermont is closer than you think.
I don't know where this argument is going,
but I'm going to that damn supermodel party.
Oleg, it's late, I'm gonna lay this on the line for you.
You're no George Clooney.
You're not even George Costanza.
These sheets are amazing
and you are never gonna do better than Sophie.
She is hot and clearly has no sense of smell.
I love Sophie.
I'll go home.
On second thought, I don't trust myself
to walk by your apartment.
Better lock me in here.
(Lily) Caroline! Max! Come down here! Hurry!
I knew it! See, Max?
They're begging us to come.
I'm back again.
Are you coming?
Oh, let me think.
Downstairs with an open bar or up here,
alone, with Oleg in his tighty-not-that-whities?
Should we tie you up?
No, it'll just make me hornier.
I knew they wanted us to come to the party!
How could they not?
Last night I taught Petra how to eat bread
without tearing it into little pieces first.
don't try it. I was a Navy seal.
You think you're tough?
I lived in a refrigerator box for a month.
With no top.
Not the box. Me.
(Lily) Max, Caroline, get in here!
Hey! See we were invited.
'Cause we're "a" list.
The toilet is clogged and I need you to take care of it, please.
"A list" as in "a" janitor list.
I don't know what to do.
Can one of you call the concierge?
Sure. Caroline!
Wait, wait, wait-- you didn't just call us
down here 'cause the toilet's clogged, did you?
No.
Okay, good.
The kitchen sink is backed up, too.
But, toilet, I got this.
I was almost born in one.
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
All right, everyone just calm down.
No need to overreact.
And there's the pool we mentioned in our ad.
Oh, boy.
Yup, we got some floaters.
Caroline, I'm gonna need the plunger
and a lobotomy.
This happens with vintage toilets.
Part of their old-world charm.
We got some charm stuck on your loofah.
Hey guys, remember last night
how we just bit into that bread
without chewing it? Good times.
I need that damn plunger, I don't want to die this way.
Got it, but it's caught on something.
[Grunts]
[Screaming]
What kind of a dump is this?
Hey! You wanted the williamsburg experience, this is it!
Good news, Martha. I have your flat iron
looking pretty much back to normal.
Oh, that's good. Keep it.
Again, sorry about your cashmere sweaters in here.
But when we ran out of paper towels,
you did scream, "just use anything, make it stop."
And of course, we'll pay to have them all dry cleaned.
Oh, that's nice. Keep them.
Okay, we can leave.
I am off the phone with my therapist.
And it goes without saying, we won't charge you guys
for this weekend.
No way. Here.
You are taking this check and my therapist's phone number.
I do not know how you are standing up without him.
What? Come on, this is nothing.
One month, the floor actually opened up and swallowed us.
Yeah, we've been through worse.
Oh, it's really cool the way you two support each other.
Yup, we're a pair of support hose.
And speaking of support--
here, Max.
No way!
Look, Caroline, it's a bra-nanza!
And, Caroline, since you don't really need to wear a bra...
Here. This apartment may be hell,
but you are a real angel.
Aw, my own wings?
Thank you, guys.
Hey, can I ask you something?
As long as it doesn't have anything to do with rats.
How come you didn't invite us to the party?
What? I thought Martha did.
I thought Lily did.
(Both) Model moment!
Pick-up, Caroline!
Yup, I always knew you would die here.
Pick-up, Max!
Looking good, Max.
After you drop that, have Caroline come back here
and lock me in the walk-in till Sophie gets home.
Max, I just realized we're kind of the supermodels
of waitressing.
And I just realized my boobs aren't always supposed to hit
my side.