2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 4, Episode 5 - And the Brand Job - full transcript

Max and Caroline's partnership - and friendship - is almost torn apart when Caroline drags Max to a seminar to help brand their cupcake business.

I'm Max. I'll be your waitress,
'cause they don't do background checks here.
Oh, you'll be our waitress.
I never guessed that based on the uniform
and name tag that says "Max."
You know I make, like, $3, right?
I realize that's a lot of money in the 1920s
where you two are from.
Here, open this and bring us two clean glasses.
Sure, not-so-great gatsby.
Hey, oj and Nicole.
Rude snobs at table ten. You know what that means.
Wine swap? - Let's roll.
Hey, Oleg, I need one of those $2 merlots
you get from your cousin with the hole in his neck.
Caroline, price check.
Oh! Chateau pavie, 2008. Very expensive.
But, hey, we deserve it.
Here, better let it breathe.
It was in my gym bag.
Not a problem.
This vintage pairs well with jockstrap.
Do you think waitresses did this to me when I had money?
Only if you had an attitude.
(Both) So that's a yes.
I can't remember if this reminds me
of an old heist movie I saw on an old heist
I actually participated in.
I know. We're like ocean's 7/11.
All we're missing is a tiny Asian guy
who can fit into small boxes.
Table ten is looking for their wine.
Oh, not a problem. Coming right up.
What did you do? Why is she smiling?
Are my pants on fire again?
(peter bjorn and John) ¶ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ¶
[cash register bell dings]
¶ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ¶
[metal clanks, mouse squeaks]
Oh, yeah, take that, sucker!
[Mouse squeaking] Max, when I said
we need to move the cupcakes,
I didn't mean through the air at a rodent's head.
Hey, he ran up the window,
so it's kind of a stand-your-ground situation.
[Metal clanks, mouse squeaks]
Okay, we're on a time-out. He's eating my ammo.
Max, business is down again,
and the only phrase I've said more than that is,
"please, god, take me in my sleep."
I mean, it's clear. Not getting ahead.
Oh, is that what your mood is about?
You're not getting any ahead?
'Cause I can take care of that with one call.
You are not hooking me up with that guy
who's listed in your phone as "oral redenbacher."
Max, this is our future.
We need to get serious about making money.
Absolutely. Let's leave early.
Leave early? Who are we, congress?
Do you think other business got successful
by leaving early?
No, they did it by hiring illegals
and moving their bank accounts offshore.
We can't leave early.
The sign says "open till 2:00 A.M."
Well, I'm open to getting a new sign that says "closed."
I mean, are we supposed to just hang around here
and wait for whatever nut jobs are trolling around town?
Hi, girls.
Guess what Oleg and I are going to do
that will probably give me hep c.
A three way with Tommy Lee?
No, silly. We're getting matching tattoos.
We want something that represents our relationship.
So maybe two butterflies doing the nasty
during "CSI: Miami."
Wow, you two, his and her tats.
Romantic and will help identify the bodies.
Sure, you know, matching tattoos
are the deepest expression of commitment.
Well, matching tattoos
and pooping in front of each other.
I'm not gonna do it in front of my man.
I poop at McDonald's 'cause I'm a lady.
Thanks for the cupcake.
We really have to start charging her.
Charge her with what, first-degree man-settling?
Max, as I was saying, it's time to get serious
about the business.
Absolutely. Let's leave early.
What? Last night after 1:00,
we made only $15, right?
What? Math is my thing.
Would you roll your eyes if you were standing
across from eminem and he started rapping?
Uh, yes.
I'd be all, "dude, you're 60. Sit on a porch swing."
Okay, look, here is $15.
That'll cover what we'll probably make.
I'm leaving.
You're just gonna leave me here?
Yup, I'm leaving as soon as I get my change back
from that $14.63.
Fine, just tell me how much that is.
Or maybe sooner.
This is a very big day for me.
Why, because of this totally out-of-the-blue order
we got to do cupcakes for this business seminar?
No, the first time I've entered a Sheridan
through a door.
Usually it's by window or freight elevator.
And one time, I rolled in under some girl's
quinceañera dress.
The seminar's about to start.
I have unclaimed name tags for Pamela, Ellen...
What kind of losers would come to this?
Max, Caroline.
I wouldn't call us losers.
Are you here?
Okay, so there is no cupcake order.
I signed us up for this seminar.
I carried cupcakes on a subway for nothing?
The annoying woman next to me talked the whole time.
I was sitting next to you, Max.
Look, I knew you wouldn't come otherwise,
and you need to be here.
This is a business intervention.
It's not an intervention.
Max, your behavior lately has affected me
in the following ways.
I can't believe this.
At least in my other interventions I was drunk.
We need to do this seminar.
Gordon kepper is a genius.
He's gonna give our business a real bump.
Guys giving me a bump is why they threw me
that second intervention.
Let's go.
Oh, mm, okay. See you.
So this is your new thing, Max?
You're just gonna walk out on me?
Actually, it's an old thing.
In fact, it's kind of a family tradition.
I learned from my father, whoever he is.
Come on. It's just two days.
Two days? No way.
No freaking way.
There's a buffet and a dessert bar.
Ooh, okay.
Wait here, I'll go pay. I brought some cash.
And they'll take an expired target gift card, right?
Oh, we are not paying.
Here. Here, Pamela.
Follow Ellen to the freight elevator.
No way, Max. We are not sneaking in.
How much is this thing? - $1,000.
We're sneaking in, Ellen.
Now, you all are here today
not only to find out what you are as a business
but to find out who you are.
I'm a lady hoping there's macaroni and cheese
at that buffet.
Who are you is your brand,
and saying that a brand is simply a name
is like saying Abraham Lincoln is simply a name,
or mahatma Gandhi, god.
Who does this guy think he is?
I'm sure you're wondering, "who does this guy think he is?"
Okay, that was weird.
Or maybe this seems weird.
I've got chills.
When it comes to business,
people come up to me all the time.
They say, "Gordon, business is hard,
but I do what I can."
And they shrug. Now, is that the right attitude?
(All) No. - Yes.
To those people, I say, "don't do what you can.
Can what you do."
don't do what you can.
Can what you do! Get it?
Do you get it?
(All) Yes. - No.
You did not get it. Shh.
All right, everybody, reach under your chairs
and pick up what you find there.
Hope it's a way out of here.
Koosh balls?
Inside those cans, you will find the key
to success in your business.
Not unless the key is Rosie O'Donnell's career
before her buzz cut.
That's the big secret to business.
If people buy what you're saying,
they will buy what you're selling.
Max, stay alert. This could go to cult like that.
I like to think of those things you're holding
as my truth balls.
Screw this. Let's get to the meatballs.
Anytime in the next two days,
one of you is up here selling you something
that you feel is just bull,
then toss it--
I mean, Ellen!
Yeah, baby.
That is what I'm talking about.
Whoever threw that is not afraid
to really go for it,
and that will go a long way
toward success in business.
All right, cool, but it is a long way to the buffet?
'Cause I am starving.
Okay, everyone.
Consider these small groups you've broken into
as little think tanks.
I need you to work together and bring out your very best.
don't blame me.
Blame the heavy cream at the fettuccini bar.
Alfredo must be Italian for "roofie."
So, Ellen, tell us what you have,
and I'll tell you what we think.
Oh, Ellen. That's you.
Oh, oh, yes, yes, that's me.
I'm Ellen. Definitely an Ellen.
See, I dance.
Okay. Okay, now it's weird.
So, Ellen...
Let's hear your b.B.B.--
your brilliant business brand.
I-I don't do the talking. Pamela does the talking.
Pam? - Thanks, Ellen.
Hello, everyone, my name is Pam panning,
and what my partner, Ellen, was trying to say is,
we making very beautiful artisan cupcakes.
Yeah, but they're still cool.
I never said they weren't cool.
Yeah, mm, maybe they just didn't sound cool
coming out of your face.
I'm sorry, but at least actual words
are better than, "uh, uh-uh, uh..."
Ladies, hold.
Sometimes in business
parents' ships will sail in two different directions,
so you two need to find out if you're gonna continue
to sail apart or if you're gonna change course
and reconvene at the port of mutual understanding.
Well, we can't sail too far apart
'cause I'm definitely gonna have to explain
what you just said to her.
I got it.
I'm a boat, and I'm trying to get away from you.
Sounds right to me.
Think it over.
Talk it over with your first mate.
Come back tomorrow
and tell me who your business is,
and I'll help guide you toward that purpose.
And remember, you can't purpose without--
puss. - Okay, wow.
Gordon, her boat's kind of in shallow water right now,
but we're gonna go away, get it together,
and come back and blow you away.
And you can't spell "blow you away" without--
our ship's leaving.
Oh, hello.
Welcome to the williamsburg diner.
Can I get you anything, like a work ethic?
Han, this is adorable, but we're busy.
We're pitching our business brand tomorrow,
and Max and I need to get on the same page.
Yeah, we don't want to work here
the rest of our lives.
Well, now we're all on the same page.
Han, just give us ten minutes.
Then we'll get to work.
Well, I've waited four years.
What's another ten minutes?
Max, I have to say I was a little thrown
by that thing you said today.
What, that the best sex I've ever had
was alone on the tilt-a-whirl?
No, why would that throw me? You say that every day.
No, that thing about me not sounding cool.
Why would that throw you? I say it every day.
Yes, but not about the business.
So what was it? The word "artisan"?
Okay, first of all, it sounds like fart-isan,
as in, "a fart is in this room right now."
Somebody finally called you out on it, Caroline.
So I was thinking our slogan could be,
"Max's homemade cupcakes. Sugar and spice."
I'd rather go with fart-isan.
Really, beavis?
What does your business partner butthead think?
Our business isn't working.
Well, guess who is working.
Me, the damn owner.
Why are you surprised?
You know how many cupcakes were not selling.
I mean, you're secretly eating at least six a night
to make me think we're selling more.
Also 'cause I'm sad.
Look, I know you went to wharton and all, but--
What's happening?
Is this a business intervention on me?
From someone who pronounces
the word business "bidness"?
Why are you giving me the big eye-painting face?
You knew the business wasn't working.
Well, I don't hear you coming up with any ideas.
That's 'cause you don't listen.
Remember when I said we should stop making
all these flowery cupcakes
and just make ones that say mean things
like "eat it" and "lick me"?
Your big business plan is cupcakes
that say "eat it" and "lick me"?
And other funny things like "loser"
or "eat your feelings."
Hmm, why not just shoot people in the face
when they come to the window?
And I thought the back of our t-shirt
could just say, "cream filled."
So funny if, like, a hot girl was wearing it.
And even funnier if it was a fat guy.
Okay, maybe like Gordon said,
our partner ships are going in different directions.
My sugar and spice ship is going one way,
and your mean and ugly booze cruise
is going another.
So how about tomorrow, I'll sail my ship,
and you can sail yours, Ellen.
And, Pam, I know you think your ship don't sink,
but it does.
So, Hannah, Todd, go.
Tell us, who is your business?
We make guitar case suitcases.
Yeah, they're suitcases that look like guitar cases
so you can look cool at the airport.
So far, no truth balls.
That means we believe you're telling some truth
of who you are.
Business is always--
okay then.
So what, their big idea
is just throwing your crap in a guitar case?
Well, it's no fart-isan cupcake.
Todd, Hannah, did you get together with our graphic artist
to help create a logo?
Yes, we did.
We stayed up all night, and to be honest,
it got kind of weird.
That's our logo,
and our company's called "I'm with the band."
Back off!
She just got out of rehab.
Business is not for the faint of heart
or coke addicts.
Next up, we've got Ellen and Pam.
Let's give 'em some love.
Max, you're really not gonna go up there
and sell your idea as a business plan.
Yup, and I feel pretty good about it.
Okay, well, then I hope you enjoy lots of balls
in your face.
If I didn't at burning man,
I doubt I will here.
Gordon, hi.
As you predicted,
today we'll be presenting our brands separately.
Okay, looks like we have us a brand off, folks.
This is exciting.
I am feeling it!
Ellen, I know you're not used to being alone.
Neither was I, hence wife number three.
don't rush.
Take some time to get yourself centered.
Yo, yo, yo! What's happening, Sheridan!
Ellen in the house.
Let me hear some noise.
Yeah. Oh! All right, all right.
We got some haters. That's cool.
Ellen, did you design a logo?
Sure did. Show it, player.
George, she's talking to you.
(Gordon) Oh, good impact.
Boom, cupcake business.
But, um...
Where's the name of your business.
Oh, I didn't want one.
I just wanted it to be cool.
So let me get this correct.
You want to make t-shirts for your business
with no business connection.
This is your journey, but it might end here.
No, no, no, see, it's a cupcake,
and we sell cupcakes, so that's the "bidness."
Okay, you know what? Screw this!
That t-shirt is way cool, and if you can't see it,
this seminar is so not worth the $1,000 I paid.
Peace out.
[Feedback whines]
In business, we call that a meltdown.
It happens.
So why don't we bring up Ellen's former partner Pam.
Let's give Pam a round of applause.
Max, I don't have to go up there.
Come on, we can just leave.
Oh, look who wants
to pack up their guitar suitcase and go.
You know what?
I was only leaving 'cause you failed.
I believe in my ideas.
Good afternoon. Hello, hi.
I represent Max's homemade cupcakes.
(Gordon) I'm gonna stop you right there.
Why Max's cupcakes?
Why not Ellen's or Pam's?
Well, um...
Max was--Max is this very special person
and the inspiration behind our whole business.
Got it.
So Max is an emotional touchstone
for you and your business.
Valid. Go on.
So the logo--
This is our current company logo,
and I feel it works just fine.
I mean, if it ain't broke, don't fix it, right?
Well, the cupcake shows a mix of sweet imagery
because we're two girls trying to retro-repurpose the phrase
"sugar and spice and everything nice."
Hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Leave Pam alone!
I'm fine, Ellen.
They can't shut me down, because I believe in us
and our special brand of artisan cupcakes.
Give me!
Eat it, you losers! Eat it, eat it!
I see the truth balls have stopped.
It looks like "eat it, eat it, you losers,"
might just be your brand.
You two are a combination of sugar and spice
and things not so nice.
Speaking of truth, I need you to pay Sandra for the seminar.
As much as I admire your pluck,
12 trips to the pasta bar aren't free.
Come on, Pam. Yeah, let's go, Ellen.
I'm Ellen.
Guess what I have under my coat.
Well, I know it's not a boob reduction.
What do you think? Cool, huh?
Aw, man, somebody already makes that?
Oh, bummer.
This is like when I thought I invented chip-wiches.
Should've known. I was eating one at the time.
No, Max, this is your shirt.
I got the rendering from the seminar
and had it made it
we can make anything in under an hour.
You know, that place under the bridge
near the underage bar where you got under arrest.
[Gasps] No way.
Oh, no way. That's hot.
I know, and a girl at the place
asked me where she could get one.
Kind of in love with myself right now.
Hey, what made you change your mind about the t-shirts?
Well, one of the things I learned at wharton
is that success depends on staying open
to a better idea, even if it's not yours.
Aw. - And here.
I thought you'd rather a black one.
On tinder and in life.