2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 4, Episode 4 - And the Old Bike Yarn - full transcript

Caroline takes an abandoned bicycle in order to start a delivery service for their cupcake business, but discovers that Max never learned how to ride one.

Earl, can I borrow
your paper?

I want to check my horoscope

to see if I'll still be
a whore in the future.

All right, who
wants to go first?

Ooh, do me. Do me.
Do me.

Can we have one night
at the diner

that doesn't end with you
yelling that at a woman?

All right, I'll go.

"Gemini, the twins,"

and they're both doing fine,
so let's move on.

Han, what sign are you?

I'm guessing
the 40-year-old Virgo.

Max, you don't need
that paper.

I'll tell you
what's in your future--

using my name as a reference
at chipotle.

You guys really believe
in that crap?

They just tell you
what you want to hear.

"You will be rich.
You will be famous."

You'd think I'd buy
a newspaper if it said,

"you will be
a 75-year-old cashier"?

(peter bjorn and John)
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

[cash register bell dings]

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪

okay, ready to open?

Never have been,
never will be.

Let's do this.


We have to do
our business affirmation.

Please, god, don't let us
be murdered in here.

All right,
let's open 'em up.

Oh, hell no.
- Max.

Hang on.
I wasn't done.

Oh, hell no!

Oh, she's yarn-bombing
that bike.

It's whimsical.
It's new.

It's stupid.

Graffiti, I get.

I see, "die, bitch. Die,"
on a wall,

I think, "okay,
this gentleman

wanted to get that
off his chest."

But this yarn-ival
is pathetic.

Yo, yarnie.

I have a name.

It's Guinevere.

Yep, that checks out.

What's happening
over here?

Why are you molesting
that poor bike?


I am beautifying the city

one living, glorious work
of art at a time.

And tips are always


Here's a tip:

Go back to school
and learn a trade

before daddy's money
runs out.

Well, I never--

worked a day in your life,
we know.

You think this
is artwork?

Artwork is a Garfield mug,

You got Garfield
in a hammock, saying,

"I'm not overweight.
I'm under-tall,"

I'll build you a gallery
right here.

Look, you should
move on.

My friend doesn't
want you--

how shall I put this?

Taking a giant knit
in front of our shop.

What is the problem?
It is not even your bike.

It's been chained here
for, like, four months.

Oh, yeah?

Maybe it is our bike,

and we use it
for deliveries

and to trap nerds.

Peace out,
ganja beer,

before I knit you
a noose.

Max, that was
a great idea.

What, that she go back
to school?

I know.

At least a couple
night classes, right?

Get around
some people.

She's a lost cause.
Let's move on.

I'm talking about us
doing deliveries.

Why do we never deliver?

Speak for yourself.
I've delivered.

Seriously, Max, those
delivery services--

eat24, grubhub--
do big business.

No one wants
to go out now.

People are so lazy.

I don't really feel
like it.

Seriously, Max,
all we have to do

is slap a delivery charge
on that product,

and suddenly, a $5 cupcake
is bringing in more money.

And do you know what
more money means?

How would I know that?

Okay, question:

Which of these goes
better with no pants?

I don't know.
They're both timeless...

As in, there's no time
you should wear those.

You can't be objective.

You're like a kid
in a candy store.

I'll ask Max.

Uh, well, the red one
kind of matches your rash.

I think we have a winner.

So why are you trying out
the fancy mesh tonight?

Well, even though Sophie and I
are getting back together,

we wanted to make it special
and hold off on the sexual part

of the relationship
until tonight.

That is so sweet.
- I know.

I haven't even masturbated since
right before I came in here.

So, Chestnut, I was buying
some rolling papers

at the bodega,

and I hope this is cool,
but I said they were for you.

Max, I have good news
and bad news.

The bad news is,

this is the only good news
I've had in three years.

And the good news is...

You found yourself
a new apartment?

don't toy with me, woman.

Speak plainly and clearly.

Did you find a new apartment?

Close your eyes.
I'll give you a hint.

Last time I was told
to close my eyes,

I woke up in a bikini
on a garbage barge.

P.S., closest I ever got
to a vacation.

[Horn honking]

Oh, you're dating a clown?

Please, you know
I would have told you

if I was dating someone
who had a car.

Look, it's the abandoned bike
from in front of the shop.

It was the bike from
the front of the shop.

Now it looks like a contestant
on rupaul's bike race.

We're gonna use it
to make deliveries.

I already signed us up
for three delivery services.

Still crazy smart.

Waste of time.

Amazon's got drones,

and we've got
one gay bike.

I don't want to do

I got this.
You bake, I'll bike.

And while you bike,
I'll get baked.

I'm just gonna knock out
these three "delivs,"

and I'll met you
at the cupcake shop.

You like "delivs"?

It's an "abbreve"
I made up for "deliveries."

You like "abbreve"?

It's an "ab" I made up
for "abbreviation."

I'm gonna make this short.
Get out.

Hey, everybody.

Sophie, what
do you think?

Aw, good for you,

I've been saying that
you should hop on something

pink and ride it
since I met you.

[Horn honking]

Ah, Max, I'm so glad
you're alone,

'cause I need some girl talk.

Okay, but the last time
I did girl talk,

I got $3
for the first minute

and $1 for each
additional minute.

No, it's about Oleg.

Last night,
he was unable to...

Oh, what's a nice way
to say this?

He couldn't get his soldier
to stand at attention,

and his penis
wouldn't work either.

Well, uh,
have you tried buying

a Cosmopolitan magazine
or something?

They usually have advice
on sex stuff

and how to hate your body.


You don't think it
could be me, do you?

No way, Sophie.
You are hot.


The first time
Oleg saw you,

his soldier
not only saluted.

It exploded.

You're right.
I am hot.

It's all him.

Remember when I said you didn't
have to do deliveries?

You're gonna have to do

'cause I only went two blocks,

and I'm sweating
like shia lebeouf

at a dui checkpoint.

Okay, you deliver.
I'll open the window.

But first,
business affirmation.

Please, god, don't let us
get pistol-whipped in here.

It's either that Guinevere
or spider-man came out.

Caroline, can I talk to you
about a private matter,

by which I mean
the matter is my privates.

Okay, but hurry, Oleg.

I'm in the middle
of a dream catcher situation,

and it's a nightmare.

And why me?

'Cause I trust
and respect you

and I feel like you know
your way around a limp penis.


I talked to my therapist--

Roy, you know,
down at the Starbucks.

He told me it's all mental.

We didn't get
much further than that.

He spilled a grande mochaccino
on his sandals.

You're probably just scared.

Intimacy is so hard
for some guys,

it's not hard for some guys.

Yeah, that's
all over my head.

Oh, no,
Max forgot the order slips.

Oleg, I'm sure
it'll all work out.

Good luck getting your penne
al dente.

Again, over my head.

Max, what are
you doing?

What are you doing?

What am I doing?

Well, I think I'm
watching you shove

our delivery bike into
the back of an uber car.

Well, this is uber-awkward.

Come on, come on.
In or out.

All right, Caroline,
this is milesh, with a "k."

He doesn't go to the airport,

and he once drove
some of maroon 5--

so maroon 3.

No, stop.

If you want me to deliver
the cupcakes,

I can't use the bike,
I have to use the car.


Oh, my god,
are you pregnant?

You ask me that every day,
and almost every day I say no.

Look, I want to tell you,
but it's a secret.

And you can't tell anybody.

Do you seriously think
I would ever tell anyone

anything about this life?


I don't know
how to ride a bike, okay?

You don't know
how to ride a bike?

Max doesn't know
how to ride a bike?

Damn it, Caroline!


Max doesn't know
how to ride a bike.

Oh, happy day.

I finally have
something over her.

There is a god,

and he's laughing
at her too.

Lordy, this is harder to watch

than Jim carrey in a drama.


[Knock at door]

Max, are you up?

What's that smell?
Did you bring home Greek food?

No, that's me.

That's how you smell
after you ride a bike

all over williamsburg delivering
14 orders of cupcakes,

and I do not wish
to smell like this again,

so you have to learn how to ride
that bike, all right?

Who do you think you are
busting in here

smelling like hummus
but having no hummus?

What is the problem?

Didn't your mother ever teach
you how to ride a bike?

No, my mother was too busy
being the town bike.

Well, then I'll teach you.

Never getting on a bike.

It's one of my three "nevers."

Yes, well,
your first "never" was,

"never having
a blonde roommate."

You are chipping away at me
piece by piece, lady.

I'm not going anywhere until
you tell me what's going on.

I'd sit on your bed, but
that's your third "never."


When I was little, there was
this kid, Tommy doonan.

Nice kid, solid hopscotcher.

Used to give me his fruit
roll-up at lunch every day.

Max, did he give you
these fruit roll-ups,

or did you take them?

don't interrupt.

One day, Tommy doonan
got a new bike.

He was out front
with this nice, older man

who looked just like him.

You mean his dad?

Mm, is that
what they call them?

I assumed it was a predator.

So anyway,
I was making fun of him

'cause he seemed happy.

I thought
that was our thing.

And he started showing off,
doing wheelies and stuff,

to put me in my place,

but then he flipped up
over the handlebars

and came down hard
on his face.


but not worth me
having baklava pits.

Well, wait.

After I stopped laughing

and the man picked him up
and hugged him predator-style,

I saw Tommy's teeth
had busted through his cheek.

To put it plainly,

his mouth was
on the outside of his face.

Ew, that's like something
out of a horror movie,

like bike of the living dead
or Texas bike chain massacre

that's probably enough.

Every time I see a bike,
I think of his little face

and his little teeth
chomping out the side of it.

He had to eat apples
like this...


Max, you are not responsible
for that.

Yeah, I know,

and 1 out of the 12 jurors

Thank you, number six.

Anyway, it freaked me out,
so good night.

No, Max.

It is not going
to work that way.

You're learning
how to ride a bike.

I'm already
on one painful cycle.

I don't want to get
on another one.

Max, I have access
to tootsie rolls,

and if you get on a bike,
I will give you four.

What am I, a chimp?

Let's go.

don't look so smug,

You don't know
how to ride a bike either.

Come on, Max,
just out here in the alley.

Oh, hell no!

- She's been back here too.

- Guine-queer.

There's so much yarn-bombing,
it's like craft-ganistan.

Max, let it go.

Stay focused.

Get on the bike.


I don't want to eat apples

out of the side
of my face.

Come on.
Let me teach you.

- Want a tootsie?

You know I do.

I mean, you taught me
how to be poor.

Eh, you're getting
really good at it.

Come on.

You know what they say
about riding a bike.

It's like riding a bike.

It's fun, see?

Whee, whee, whee, whee, whee!

You got a real pretty mouth,

Can't wait to see it
on the side of your face.

At least just get
on the bike.

You don't even have to go
anywhere yet.

Want a tootsie?

You know I do.


[Groans and scoffs]

What is this bar
doing here?

I have no use for a bar
that can't get me drunk.

Okay, walk the bike
over there

and lean against the car
to get your balance.

Just check and make sure
there's no one around.

Why do you care?

The only people out here
this late

would be rapists,
murderers, and freaks...

You know, your peeps.

What the--

hey, girls.


What are you doing
in that car alone?

Oh, a dark alley
at 3:00 A.M.?

Has money gotten
that tight?

Yes, but that's not
why we're out here.

I'm teaching Max
how to ride a bike,

and it's pretty hard.

Oh, yeah, I wish
I had that problem.

I'm dancing
with a rope in here.

We're trying some
exotic, new locales

for our lovemaking.

It's exotic because
this isn't even our car.

Oh, uh...

We better hurry before
that rabbi comes back.

Maybe try barking
at it again.

There was some
movement earlier.

[Sophie barking]

Come on, Caroline, teach me
how to ride this thing.

I got to get away
from temple gross shalom

as fast as possible.

Okay, I'm gonna get
behind you

and hold on to your seat.

Not without three
long island iced teas

and one, "your butt
looks good in those jeans."


Max, don't look.


Hey, Max.


I'm just riding my bike
to the bike store

to buy more bikes.

Is that han or

Lance Armstrong's
runaway testicle?

Sorry, couldn't
hear you.

I was too busy knowing
how to ride a bike.

Damn it!
Now I got to do this.

You know how quickly society
will crumble around us

if han starts feeling like
he can freely tease me?

You sure?
- Yep.

Making fun of han

is one of my two free sources
of entertainment.

The other one is located
right above this bar.

Okay, I'll keep
my hand on the seat,

and then when you're ready,
tell me, and I'll let you go.

Okay, but don't let go
until I say so.

Okay, let go.

Already did.

I'm riding a bike?

Max, look out!


There goes my other free source
of entertainment.


Yes, obviously!

[Bell rings]
- Table ten. Pick up, Max.

Yeah, be right there.

Like, you know, in a month.

Uh, Max,
how you doing?

I heard about
your vag-accident.

Look, if you need
to see a doctor,

my cousin in Florida
is a good one,

but then again, the bumpy
bus ride might kill you.

No, no, it'll be fine,

I'm icing it.
I just have to keep it cold.

We're out of ginger ale.

I think you mean the ginger ale
is out of you.

Max, let me
get that for you.

I feel like it was
kind of my fault.

Kind of?

Was Lincoln's death

kind of John wilkes booth's

[Bell rings]

Pick up, Caroline.

How'd it go with Sophie?

Were you able to do the thing,
you know, the man does

while the woman makes
shopping lists in her head?

Come on.

I don't want anyone to know
I can't get it up.

Oleg can't
get it up?


OMG. Oleg can't
get it up.


Best week ever.

Hey, everybody!

What's up?

Not your boyfriend.


If anyone needs me,

I'll be outside
riding my bike

with an erection.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
He didn't hear it from me.

I only told two people--

and my manicurist, ming wa.

And you don't have to worry
about her

because she doesn't care
about anything

except loving some guy
named long time.

Sophie, baby,

this is hard.

Yeah, maybe we better not
try to be serious.

I mean, the real truth is,

I only like you
for your penis anyway.

Say that again.

What, that I only like you
for your penis?

One more time.

Well, what, that I don't have
any real feelings for you?

That it's completely sexual

and I only like you
for your big, stupid penis?

I'm back, baby.

Sophie, can I see you
in the kitchen?

And we better hurry.
I'm making three-minute eggs.

Cancel my eggs.

I would've so left during
that whole conversation,

but I'm holding a can
of Dr. pepper between my legs.

What? He's a doctor.
He's seen it.

Well, I think we're
pretty much even.

Your legs are a little sore,
and I'll never have children.

So I guess what
I'm saying is thanks.

So you really don't want
to get back on the bike?

You're just gonna give up?

I bet even Tommy doonan
got back on the bike.

Whatever happened to him?

I caught up with him
on Facebook.

Well, more like

He's happily married.

I bet right now
he's driving his car,

looking straight ahead,
and smiling at his wife

in the seat next to him.

So that's it for deliveries?

Oh, you can deliver
wherever and whenever you want,

but there is no way I am ever
getting on that bike again.

Max, look.

Oh, hell no!

She yarn-bombed
our darn barn!

You two should've tipped.

I'm an artist.

Eat my stitches, bitches.


That was not whimsical at all.

Give me the damn bike.

Knit's about to hit the fan.

[Can thuds]

Max, you're doing it.

What happened
to your fear of bikes?

I guess the only thing stronger
is my hatred of that nerd!