2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 4, Episode 3 - And the Childhood Not Included - full transcript

When Caroline accidentally loses Han's expensive fish while cleaning the tank, Max considers selling a sentimental gift she just received from her mother in order to pay for a new one.

Earl, I noticed you're still alive.
What's your secret?
Well, it's my positive attitude,
a little bit of genetics,
and knowing how to take care of your body.
I use jojoba.
What is that, like a lotion?
No, it's a ho named hoba.
She comes over once a week.
(peter bjorn and John) ¶ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ¶
[cash register bell dings]
¶ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ¶
Max, you just got box delivered at home.
I don't want another box.
I got my hands full with this one.
I used to have so many packages delivered to my house,
my dad had to buy fedex just to save money.
I remember a time before mail.
You just didn't get stuff.
Nope. I don't want that.
It's a delivery from my mother.
The last thing she delivered was me,
and I'm still cleaning up that mess.
Aren't you at least curious what she sent?
Unless it's a brand new childhood,
I'm not interested.
Here, Earl, hold Max's box.
But she's like a daughter to me.
Look, Caroline, I brought in my fish tank,
which Max has been calling my olympic-size swimming pool.
See, han? The world's different above sea-level.
Now, come over here and say hello.
I'm saying hello to fish now?
That's where I'm at?
You too, Max.
I want my diner family to meet my fish family.
I got an aunt that drinks like a fish.
Maybe she's in there.
Oh, no, she's in jail for vehicular manslaughter.
Please enjoy my ecosystem of love.
Never tap on the glass!
Just look at that meaty paw of yours.
It's like an earthquake to them.
Oh, there's my prize.
The royal blue tang fish.
Han, I'm not surprised you have to pay for blue tang,
but $500 seems high.
Hey han, jojoba'll do it for 25.
Well, I hope your fish will be very happy here.
I mean, no one else is, but who knows.
Let's go, Max.
[Speaking Ukrainian]
Did Oleg take Liam neeson's daughter?
I'm breaking up with all my ladies
so I can start up again with Sophie.
And oksana's not taking it lying down,
or bent over like she usually is.
Well, I'm sorry I never got to meet her.
Just tell her that you and Sophie have decided to be--
what's the Ukrainian word for "monogamy"?
There isn't one.
You're either ugly or you're sleeping with everyone.
Uh-uh. No way.
Leave it out here.
Let the bomb-squad figure it out.
don't you wanna know what she sent you?
Maybe there's money in there.
[Obnoxious laughter]
So you're just gonna leave it out in the hall
like a room service tray?
Oh, my god, I used to have room service.
Oh, my god, I used to have a room.
Well, I don't want it in the apartment.
This is a place of positive energy and good vibes.
[Obnoxious laughter]
I'm sending it back to her tomorrow.
I will go to my shallow, unmarked grave
not knowing what's in that box.
[Knock at door]
Hey, Max, you got a box out here,
and there's a Bear in it!
Oh, my god.
She kept that?
How did my mom ever keep that?
She can't even keep her teeth.
That's what was in the box?
A Teddy ruxpin doll?
Not a doll and not his name.
I had it legally changed to t-rux.
I used the same lawyer my mom hired
to declare me native American so she didn't have to pay
for parking at the casino.
For six months, I had to answer the phone,
"Max proudfoot."
You know, in Poland, we didn't have dolls.
Yeah, we just hired little gypsy kids
and we carried them around.
Yeah, mine was called gurgio.
Yeah, and I think uh, he had a little bit of polio.
Hey, didn't those things talk?
They did if you had four "c" batteries.
Wait, I think I have some.
Yup, they came with this adorable Teddy Bear
singing cassette, so of course,
I smashed that with a rock and made my own.
Yeah, my gurgio didn't talk.
I'm not sure he had a tongue.
But he used to squeeze me really tight.
And then I found out later, he was 35.
You had four "c" batteries in your nightstand?
From what?
Do you wanna hear the Bear talk or don't you?
[Phone rings]
Oh, I'm sorry, girls.
I gotta take this.
It's another guy that I'm breaking it off with.
I sure hope Oleg's worth it.
I just dumped a guy with multiple personalities.
Yeah, and he took it okay,
and not great,
and pretty bad.
There's no note or anything.
This box is really just a well of disappointment.
Why would your mother send you this?
Why would she do anything?
Why would she bite our dog?
Why would she make out with our Jack o'lantern?
I don't know.
Well, Max, she did send you your favorite toy
after all these years.
Maybe she's trying to make amends.
Oh, make amends?
She couldn't even make me a sandwich.
Okay, you ready?
I know you are, but what am I?
Oh, my god. Max, is that you?
Is that your little Max voice?
Careful, I'm about to open up a can of whoop ass.
It is you! How old were you there?
Ten. "Whoop ass" was kind of my thing.
Still is.
I mean, I guess I always knew you were a little kid once,
but I couldn't picture it till I heard that.
Like I couldn't picture me eating fruit
from an exxon station till I did that.
So, are you two ready to order?
Oh, yeah. I'll have the Turkey club with fries.
This is why you're single, Rita.
I'm not single. I'm married to your father.
I love you, but stop pushing your lifestyle in my face.
I'll have the salad. Dressing on the side.
Obvs, obvs.
Well, I'm sending t-rux back to my mother.
He's going right into this empty box
I found in han's office.
And Max, before you send it back,
I'm gonna need those batteries.
Oh, don't worry, I have no desire to see you
hugging the milkshake machine.
Is that a Teddy ruxpin doll?
Rita, I want that!
Your birthday just passed, Elliot.
But my coming out party is coming up.
What is that, like a queen-ceanera?
So bitchy. Love her.
A vintage Teddy ruxpin is worth like, $500,
and my mom works, so she has to buy my love.
One more word, and I'm taking away spa day.
That's harsh, honey.
He's obsessed with the '90s.
But you weren't even born.
I know. I blame her.
She couldn't find a man till late in life.
There go the pedicures.
There go my sandals.
As much as I love watching will and grace,
this guy's not for sale.
I'm sending him back to my mother's place,
which, according to the Rhode Island parole office,
is a cardboard shanty town outside of big lots.
Well, here's my card.
And let's face it, you look like you could use $500.
So bitchy. Love him!
I was just offered $500 for t-rux
from baby Anderson Cooper.
He has cards?
I'm jealous of a nine-year-old?
That's where I'm at?
Hey, as much as I would like that $500,
my mother doesn't get to think this Bear
gets to make up for my childhood.
She doesn't get off that easy.
Trust me, we shared a pullout couch for nine months.
Girls, can I see you over here?
I can't believe we have to talk to the fish again.
I can't believe Max hasn't put han in the tank yet.
Max, Caroline, every night from now on,
I need you to move the skimmer along the top of the water
and take out the floating matter.
Han, you know I'm off diner poop patrol for life
after I had to clean the booth where the senior left...
Well, we'll just call it an elderberry.
Well, Caroline, Max said no, so you have to do it.
Han, you're kind of a baller around your fish.
All right, I'm gonna do this fast.
Get in and get out--
same thing I do when that bird is in our shower.
[Bell dings] Pick up, Max.
Look, I'm calling to tell you I met somebody else
so I'm breaking up with you.
Now put your mother on. I'm breaking up with her too.
I can't believe this.
I'm a cabana boy for fish.
I guess now I can add "fish poop remover"
to my resume next to "supreme court intern."
I feel like there was a fish in that last one.
Oh, no, it's the expensive one!
That's so me.
I really didn't expect to see you digging through garbage
till you were 30.
Oh! Ah! Ugh! It's still alive!
I need to keep her wet.
Oh, covered in tuna, that's gotta be traumatic for it.
I feel like it went down the drain.
It was an accident. I swear.
I love fish. I would never hurt one.
Unless you count eating Sushi, 'cause then I'm like
Jack the ripper.
Caroline, are things going swimmingly?
Jack, he's talking to you.
Uh, oh, yeah. Swimmingly.
Especially the blue one.
He went in his little house.
He doesn't like to use the restroom
in front of his friends.
Yeah, we're a lot alike.
Thank you so much for seeing us so quickly.
Sure, you guys can just wait in here.
Elliot's finishing up with his pilates.
Do yourselves a favor.
Tell him his core looks tight.
Max, I'm so sorry you have to sell t-rux
for the fish money because of me.
Talked to the fist, because the face is pissed.
I'm getting attitude from a Bear?
That's where I'm at?
I can't believe all this stuff he has from the '90s.
I can't believe he has to have a party to come out.
That kid came out, out.
His umbilical cord is a Gucci belt.
Oh...These toys!
This is like looking back at my childhood
but, you know, a time before rainbows became political.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
A my size Barbie!
I had ten of these.
Not to play with, they were used as decoys
in case of a hostage situation.
And now your whole life's a hostage situation.
Sorry I'm late.
My trainer, Gary, and I got derailed
talking about the real housewives of orange county.
Your core looks really good.
I know, honey.
Now while I get my check book, say hello to the olsens.
You got a lot of toys.
When I was a girl your age, I only had this.
I don't suppose I could play with my size Barbie
for a second.
I feel like that's a "no, bitch."
I'm not--I'm not just talking about the toys.
You got a pretty sweet set-up.
That nice lady out there, giving you everything you want,
taking care of you.
She's just a mom. Everyone has one.
Not really. Some people just have bad ass bears.
Max, are you sure about this?
This is the only thing you have from your childhood.
Not true, I have a dent in my skull
from a ball-peen hammer.
The last time I change the channel
during three's company.
Can we fast forward this to me having the Bear
and you two leaving?
Okay, just take it, it doesn't matter.
No, Max. It does matter.
We're not selling this.
He has enough toys.
I mean, all I wanted to do was touch the life-size Barbie.
Okay, I see what's happening.
I've been down this road with the beanie babies.
I'll give you 600 for the Bear.
No, Max! That's your childhood.
700. - Sold!
No, Max!
Caroline, my childhood is not worth $700.
The most my mother ever got for me was 40 bucks
and a big gulp.
But that's "little you" in there, Max.
And she's priceless.
And she's about to erased and taped over
by the soundtrack from frozen.
Who am I? Me, a year ago?
No. Can't have her.
Well, what are we gonna do now about the other child?
The one in the diner?
Well, I guess he's just gonna have to grow up.
Grow up? You think if he had that ability,
he wouldn't have used it yet?
So what-- no Bear?
Oh, please! You'll have a Bear in your life.
Trust me.
All right, Max.
You're gonna help me tell him, right?
You like giving him bad news.
No, I like giving him bad news about how he's short
and has a big head.
You know, fun bad news.
Exciting news!
I got the fishies a new house!
I got it cheap. It was a foreclosure.
Uh, han, can we talk to you over there
in the booth--the far booth?
Can it wait? I want to put in the new condo
so Max will stop calling me a slum lord.
Oh, that can wait, I mean, those fish
aren't going anywhere.
Except for the blue one, who's definitely playing
some kind of twisted game of hide and seek.
Oh, yeah, he loves that little house.
He's going to love this one even more.
Max, can you join me?
I'm pretty busy waiting on tables right now.
Okay, what's going on?
Max has never waited on a table in her life.
Max, I need you over here.
I'm just putting down this grilled cheese
'cause I don't want it to get cold.
Now I'm freaking out!
Max, don't do this to me.
I know where the bodies are buried, literally.
I move them every six months.
Well, what is it?
Han, sometimes in life, things happen
that you don't want to happen.
And even though it's hard, you know,
you just have to face up to it.
I suppose.
Oh, dear god, this is rough.
And, well...
Han, I don't wanna have to tell you this,
I know this is the last thing you ever want to hear--
oh, just say it!
The tampon machine is broken again.
Later, I'll get my blindfold and fix it.
Word of advice?
When you do finally kill me,
you gotta work on your game face for the cops.
Max, please.
I can't tell han I murdered his fish.
I can't.
Well, I can't tell him either.
Oh, hell, I'll tell him.
I'm a black man, everyone already assumes I did it.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
It's just a fish. He'll be fine.
I've decided I'll give blue the new house
at its birthday party later.
It's the damn fish's birthday?
I'm out.
And you're all invited.
Blue's two years old today.
They don't usually live that long.
No, they do not.
That's it, we can't tell him.
Even at han's age, which I am guessing
is somewhere between 14 and 53,
some kids just aren't ready to grow up.
What are we gonna do?
We're gonna run out and buy a new one.
Where are we gonna get the money?
Oleg, you know how two years ago
you offered me $1,000 for a back rub?
Of course.
Caroline will do it for $500.
Deal. One last hurrah.
Over the clothes, above the waist,
and I don't know why, but you have to wear a condom.
Yes, father Dominic rosello, please.
Oh, he's celebrating mass?
Oh yeah, could you just tell him that Sophie kachinski
is converting to monogamy?
And uh, she won't be kneeling at his altar anymore.
Oh, yeah, yeah, he'll understand.
Where's han and does he know?
No, but I can't keep pretending I see that fish.
I'm a pot-head with a touch of glaucoma.
I'm seeing stuff that's not there.
Not seeing stuff that's there
it's confusing.
Okay. Come on, come on.
Put it in, put it in, put it in.
I have a whole new respect for every guy
that's ever gone out with you.
Happy birthday, blue!
(Han) Happy birthday. Happy birthday, blue.
Where's blue?
I haven't seen her all day.
I just saw it.
Yeah, it was definitely there.
You're not gonna give blue that cupcake
without a photo-op, are you? Where's your iPad?
I just saw it. Yeah, it was definitely there.
Yeah, han, go!
You need a pic so you can post it on Facebook
or fishbook or whatever.
Good idea. Here, hold this.
Hey, Caroline, you look less flat.
You finally get that boob job you needed?
I feel like the baggy broke.
Yup, that's what happens when you get the cheap implants.
Oh, my god, there is definitely something
moving around in my bra.
Well, it's good you can still recognize that feeling.
It's right--oh! Oh! I touched it!
Someone, put your hand in my bra and help me.
Why now? Now that I'm off the market!
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm afraid I'm gonna squish it and kill it again.
Okay, just get up on the counter and drop it in the tank.
Get up on the counter, spread your legs,
and just let it fall into the tank.
You know what?
Forget the back rub. After this, we're square.
Okay, straddle the tank, pull out your uniform,
and let it go.
Now I owe you money.
Just squat over the tank like you're delivering
a fish baby.
I'm delivering a fish baby?
This is where I'm at?
Stop asking. That's where you're at.
Okay, now that I saw, right?
Caroline, get down!
It's not that kind of party.
Max, you're really still gonna send t-rux back?
After we got bullied by a kid
with a tiffani Amber thiessen pillow?
Relax, t-rux is right over there by the register.
And by the way, he's our first employee.
Anytime we get a bone-head, customer, he can say,
"talk to the fist,"
(both) "'Cause the face is pissed."
I'm just sending my mother something
to say thank you for everything she gave me
when I was a child.
Aww, what's in there?