2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 4, Episode 14 - And the Cupcake Captives - full transcript

Max, guess what Han's doing
at the counter?

Well, I know it's not
towering over it.

He's creating signature drinks
for the diner.

I suggested any household poison
over shaved ice.

Han, this is a stupid idea.

It was Earl's.

Then it's genius.

Yep, I've been drinking
all afternoon for free.

Now, I've used only
top shelf liquor.

Question: Who got it down
for you?

First up: "The Max".
It's just whiskey.

On the rocks, like Max's job.

Whatever mine is,
I want my rim salted.

Of course you do.

Earl's is an Old Fashioned
with everything.

Pour me another me.

I hate to say it,
but I go down easy.

"The Caroline" is Lemon Schnapps
in a slightly frosty glass.

Because of my cool,
Grace Kelly kind of demeanor?

No, because they had a sale
on Lemon Schnapps

at Beverage Barn

Oh, they don't card there?

Okay, so what's "The Han"?

A No Sex on the Beach?

Mine is a classic martini,
shaken.

Oh, like the first woman
who saw you naked.

Correction.

Will see you naked.

(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh ♪

[cash register bell dings]

♪ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Ooh Ooh ♪

Max, guess what happened
when you were running

to the bathroom real quick,
for two hours.

You worked the cupcake window
while I went

to see The Statue
of Liberty.

Her head was being
renovated.

Everybody in this town
is getting work done.

I sold our last cupcake tee!

We've sold out more than
Robert De Niro

in the last 20 years
of his career.

Well, analyze this, Focker.

I noticed we were running low
last week,

so I ordered more.

How did I not notice
those sooner?

Oh, probably because
the last time I looked in there,

there was a rat having sex
with a cockroach.

You know, they're still dating.

Really? I thought
it was a one time thing.

Well, I guess once you go
rat, you never go back.

Thanks for ordering these,
I've just been so busy

with Sophie's wedding shower.

Yeah, why are you working
so hard?

It's not a big deal.

I threw my mother
a shower once.

No wait, I threw her
in a shower once.

Max, you really need to start
making more of a fuss.

It's for Sophie,
it means a lot to her,

and she has a gun.

Well, showers are stupid
girl things

that this guy
wants no part of.

Hey, girls!

Look. I'm advertising
your cupcake business.

You're advertising something,
but it's not our cupcakes.

I gave out free T-shirts
to our building.

I left one
by everyone's door.

Two at Sophie's,
16 at the Sanchez's.

So about six of the kids
will have to share.

Interesting. Now our shirts
are available at both Rodney,

the high-end Manhattan
boutique,

and an apartment
building that always smells

a little like gasoline.

Well, please stop talking about
things that aren't me.

Now girls,
did you get the cake

for my wedding shower
tomorrow?

Oh, was I supposed
to make a cake?

I've literally done
nothing for this shower.

I haven't even taken a bath.

Oh, no, I'm not getting my cake
from here.

No, this is my bridal shower.

Yeah, I want to get something
classic from Baskin Robbins

that's also a Dunkin' Donuts.

They mix those two now?

It's a stoner's dream come true.

I tried to make our apartment
look nice.

I even moved a chair
to cover a stain,

but what was under the chair
was so much worse.

I guess what I'm saying is,
please don't shoot us.

Well, I don't expect it
to look that good.

I mean, you can't put
a silk hat on a pig.

And I know,
'cause I tried once.

[gags]

[gags]

Max! Oh, my God!
What have you done?

I realized I don't like
a strawberry center.

And I am not going to beat
myself up about it.

When I told you
to get crepe paper streamers

and decorate for the shower,
I meant with pink, not black.

It's a wedding shower
for Sophie,

not a baby shower
for Rosemary's Baby.

What? I told you,
I don't do girl things.

Like hang pink
or sit when I pee.

Which, coincidentally,
I refer to as "hanging pink."

My God, what is that smell?

Something's really gone
bad here.

Besides our lives.

It's the Polish food.

I think one of those sausages
is made of old flip-flops.

[knock at door]

Someone's here already?

Are Polish people always early?

Is that a stereotype
I don't know about?

Oh my God!

A wedding shower for me?

I mean, if I had known,
I would have dressed!

Sophie, you did know.

I know. I came down early
to practice some entrances.

Now get ready for entrance
number two.

Are you ever ready
for entrance number two?

[knock at door]

Who is it?

[fakes weeping]

Oh my God!

I can't believe it.

Oh, it's the day
of my wedding shower.

Could anything be
more wonderful?

I was moved,
I was surprised.

I liked it better
than the book.

Now, come on in here
and identify some of this

Polish food so I can know
what I'm not eating tonight.

Oh, no.
I'm not eating at my shower.

I'm pretending
I have an eating disorder

so everyone will think
that I have it all.

I think you're going to be
happy.

I have lots
of fun shower games,

starting with "Who Knows
The Most About Sophie?"

Oh, I'll win that one.

Yeah.

And Sophie's got to tinkle.

See?
I'm a shoo-in.

Yeah.
Oh. Oh, my gosh.

Black toilet paper.

Oh, nice touch, girls.

Yeah, I love the mystery
of not knowing when you're done.

[knock at door]

(Agent Drake)
FBI! Open up!

The FBI?
I don't think they RSVP'd.

Oh, that's got to be for me.

I didn't do it.

And just so you know,
the statute of limitations is up

on that Newark thing.

I'm not here to arrest you,
miss.

Great, it's me.

Max, I told you pirating movies
was a real crime.

Now I'm going to jail
for Fifty Shades Of Grey.

Someone should.

I hear you,
not the Christian Grey

I'd pictured.

I'm Agent Drake with the FBI.

Nothing to get upset about, but
there's a man in your building

who's been holding
three women hostage

in his apartment for months.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Now, one of the captives
escaped today

and alerted authorities.

Oh, that must have been
the lady I passed

screaming in the hall.

What? There is a fine line
between "hostage"

and "off your meds"
in this building.

So, a SWAT team
is going in

for the other two
still upstairs.

But we need to evacuate
the building first.

So let's go.

All right, can I just put
a few things away first.

You know, because I want
the place to look nice

if there's going to be
police in here.

Look, miss, whatever drugs
you're hiding in here,

I couldn't care less.

We need to get out now.

You know,
you're just my type of guy.

You don't mind my drug use
and you're already here.

Oh, yeah!

You girls ordered a cop stripper
for my bridal shower?

Oh, here comes
the bride all right! Yeah!

Come on.
Yeah.

Yeah, see?
Look, he likes me.

I cannot believe
I live in this building

with a man who would do
something so awful.

Also, cannot believe
I live in this building.

You know who I think it is?

Smells Like Cats
But Has No Cats.

Really? He doesn't seem
like a go-getter.

I think it's Three Nipples
No Nose.

Three Nipples No Nose?
He's a delight.

Sophie, isn't this upsetting?

It sure is.

I couldn't get that stripper cop
to take his pants off.

Hey, look, there's some
of my shower guests.

Oh, look.

And see?
That one's my friend Natalya.

The one I told you about.

Yeah, there's all that
extra skin.

Ew.
You were not exaggerating.

She was born
with all that skin.

She had a chip clip
on her back

all through high school.

Yeah, I know that guy upstairs
is a real bummer,

but you know what would help?

If I could open my presents.

Yeah.

(Sophie)
Oh, no!

The fuzz isn't letting them
through!

Oh, come on.

No fair, they just let a guy
in here a few minutes ago.

Just 'cause your friends
aren't bomb-sniffing dogs,

they can't get in?
Boo!

Hey, look, ladies, pass
your presents up to the cops.

Cops, pass my presents to me.

Wait, Sophie,
before you open them,

I really want to write down
who got you what.

And save that pretty ribbon,
I'm gonna make you a bow hat!

Look at you.

Making lemonade
out of a maniac

holding three innocent women
hostage.

(Sophie)
Oh, a gift card.

Oh, send it back.

Sophie, we would've taken that.

I don't know what is was for,

I just know that we would've
taken it.

No, I'm sending it back.

I want a gift,
not another errand.

Oh, yeah, not in love
with the paper, but...

well, I'll wait till
I open it to judge.

(Maria)
Hi.
Excuse me.

Excuse me?

I'm Maria Alonso-Gonzalez.

Could you ladies talk
to Channel 2

about tonight's disturbing
discovery?

- No.
- Yes.

Just go with me
and my business savvy.

Yes, Maria Alonso-Gonzalez,
we can answer a few questions.

Were there any signs at all
that something of this nature

was going on in your building?

We jut hope they bring
this sick freak

in our building to justice
so that we can return to work

at Max's Homemade Cupcakes.

(Maria)
Get on the door.
Here he comes.

Who is it?
Who is this sick freak?

It's not me.

Is it?

I'm not sure,
what are the charges?

Different sick freak.

Hey, Rula, Uma, Greta, look.

(Sophie)
This is him.

This is the groom-to-be.

Forget about the guy upstairs,

this is the real maniac
in the bedroom.

[gasping]

That's him?

Beer Belly Gym Shorts?

- Never would've guessed.
- Oh, no.

(Caroline)
He's wearing one of our shirts.

Why?

Why? Why is he wearing
a medium?

Oh...

I mean, nobody's gonna see that.

(Maria)
Police have just apprehended
the suspect

and the question on
everyone's mind is,

"What does Max's Homemade
Cupcakes

have to do with this?"

We have no comment.

Or future, or deodorant.

So leave us alone!

How did they find out we work
in this dump,

next door to the other dump?

As I'm saying it,
I realize our career

is made up of two dumps.

Sounds like our career has been
drinking too much coffee.

The story is all over the paper.

They're calling those ladies
"The Cupcake Captives,"

calling that guy
"The Cupcake Captor,"

and calling the whole thing
"The Cupcake Catastrophe."

But you needn't worry about it
reflecting badly

on your cupcake business.

Oh, no. It's even
in the fashion section.

There's a picture
of our shirts and it says,

"What not to wear, ever."

Okay. Everybody calm down.

I'm mostly talking to myself.

The media is just going
to do its thing.

I've been slandered
in the headlines before.

I was called "Ponzi Princess,"
"Bankrupt Barbie."

Looking back,
those were the best of times.

Oh, hello.
I was just about to take a tray

of Max and Carolines
out to my reporter friends.

Sorry, you can give those
Max and Carolines

to this Max and Caroline.

Hi, everybody.

Oh, I'm depressed.

See, you can tell 'cause
I'm only wearing half my hair.

Girls, I found this box
outside your door.

And I was hoping
it was a shower present.

Since those selfish hostage
girls ruined my special day.

Oh, man. I didn't
even get a freakin' ribbon hat.

Do you want the tube top
I made out of the police tape?

I'm calling it a tape top.

Patent pending.

Come on, you guys.

This isn't about us.

We need to put this
all in perspective.

We're all safe,
and healthy, and--

Oh, my God, just when
I can't take anymore,

here comes anymore.

"We are returning the remainder
of your t-shirt stock.

"Our Rodney brand cannot be
associated with a product

"at the center of an ongoing
criminal investigation.

Consider our contract
null and void."

This is so shocking.

Max, you can read?

So you just didn't want to tell
people the specials.

I can't believe this.

We waited so long
for something to happen

to our cupcake t-shirts.

Why that guy?

And on the one day
he chooses to not wear

his "Pull my finger" shirt.

(Maria)
This is Maria Alonso-Gonzalez,
reporting to you live...

Max, what are you doing?
They'll see us.

- from Max's Homemade Cupcakes.
- No they won't,

Because call the cameras
are on Han right now.

Can you talk a little bit
about the women

behind
Max's Homemade Cupcakes?

Well, let's just say
Max and Caroline

are allergic to work,
much in the same way

Dilbert is allergic
to Mondays.

[laughs]

Moving on,
Maria Alonso-Gonzalez,

would you care to come into
The Williamsburg Diner,

6355 Bedford Avenue,

open 8:00 A.M. till 2:00 A.M.,

for our signature drink:
The Cupcake Captive Cosmo?

And for you gents,
The Captive Cape Cod?

Hey, get these cupcakes
out of the garbage.

I need to make room
for Han's body.

I'm keeping the head as a
warning to others who cross us.

We need to take back
our t-shirts' image

by setting up an interview
with the news.

And by "we," I mean you.

Look, if I learned one thing
from my time on Cops,

it's that I can hop a fence
in three seconds flat.

If I learned two things,
it's that the camera

makes me look guilty.

Especially when it's a security
camera at Banana Republic.

I can't do it.

The world can't know
that Caroline Channing

is involved in another
high-profile crime.

And hasn't kept up her nail
maintenance, like, at all.

Fine.

Because if I learned
three things from Cops,

it's that it's best to surrender
early and not naked.

We really appreciate you
taking the time to talk to us.

If you really
want to thank me,

how about I get some pixels
up over my grill?

I got some kids looking for me
and they don't need the help.

We don't have the capability
to do that.

This is live TV.

How about one of those
voice distorting machines?

You know, make my voice sound
like a fat Transformer.

Um, no.

No problem.

I'll take care of that myself.

Been in this sitch before.

All right, in 3, 2...

Good evening.
In Williamsburg...

Max, I'm right here,
if you need me.

I got this.

Now infamous in the shocking
"Cupcake Captives" story.

I'm here with the owner,
Max Black.

[distorted]
Hi, Maria.

Max, how upset were you to see
that Richard Griffin

was Max's Homemade Cupcakes'
biggest fan?

[distorted]
I was really upset.

Okay, hi.
Stepping in.

Max is clearly so upset
by all this

that she's lost her mind.

The one time
I really needed her, anyway.

Hi, Maria.

How will your company's
reputation recover

from doing business
with a man

who held three women in his
apartment against their will?

Look, people
do terrible things.

And they do them
wearing shirts.

That doesn't make
the shirt evil.

Now, if a shirt
commits a crime, lock it up.

You'll get
no argument from me.

[distorted]
Should I jump back in?

Okay, yeah.
That's all the time we have.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

[distorted]
Thank you.

Caroline, thank you
for trying to throw me a shower.

I mean, we were
never really friends or close.

And yeah, I run away when
I see you heading towards

the mailboxes the same time
as me--

Please stop thanking me.

Hey. Want to come
to our place?

Those pig feet
haven't gone bad.

I guess.
It's hard to tell.

Yeah. The best meat's
under the toe nails.

Is it?

(all)
Surprise.

[shouting]

Oh, my God, what's all this?

Oh, no.
I'm so surprised.

No, I really am this time.

- So am I.
- Me, too.

Until this sausage,
I thought the grossest thing

I'd ever eaten was kale.

Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

Could anything be
more wonderful?

[laughs]

Max, I can't believe
you did all this.

I thought you came home
to do what you usually do

when you get depressed.

Get drunk and throw the finger
at people from the stoop.

No stoop.
But I am drunk.

You think I could've
done this sober?

I just figured, with everything
around us being so black lately,

I thought we needed
a little pink.

You're right. We did.

'Cause our t-shirt business
is over.

And we still have to pay off
that bank loan. Now what?

We'll figure something out.
We always do.

Hey, girls, come quick.

We're gonna play "Guess Sophie's
Favorite Sex Position"

(all)
Whoo!

It's on all fours, watching
How To Get Away With Murder.

See?
I told you I was gonna win.

And it just got black again.

Yeah, real black.

This is wet!

Max, did you already eat this?

I told you, I don't like
a strawberry center.

And I am not gonna
beat myself up about it.