2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 4, Episode 12 - And the Knock-Off Knockout - full transcript
Two high school prep teenagers create and sell imitations of Max and Caroline's cupcake T-shirts.
Here's your check, Mr. ZZ
and Mr. Top.
Would you like a to-go box,
or are you just gonna put it
in your beard
with the rest of your sandwich?
We're in a beard-growing
contest.
They happen all over
the country.
It's a pretty big deal.
What's first prize?
Blindfold for your girlfriends?
I'm kidding, I know you don't
have girlfriends.
Actually, this level
of hair-art
takes months of hard work
and commitment.
Well, quack, quack,
Duck Dynasty.
My left armpit
could beat you both.
Let me tell you something
on behalf of women everywhere.
We. Don't. Like. Beards.
Caroline?
Beards?
(Caroline)
I never liked being one.
Ladies, if his name is Trace,
get the hell out of there.
See?
So, shave losers.
If you're chinless
or chin-plentiful,
it's better than
what you've got going on.
There's your tip,
be generous with mine.
You actually insult people
and then expect them
to give you money?
That's how it works
with you and me.
(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh ♪
[cash register bell dings]
♪ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Ooh Ooh ♪
Thanks.
Everyone's loving our new
cupcake T-shirts.
I've sold four in the last hour.
Three more and we can afford
that towel we've had our eye on.
These T-shirts keep selling.
That means more money.
Mo' means mo' success.
Mo' Success?
I think I dated
his cousin, Les.
Hey, everybody.
Mind if I stop
for a breather?
I've been "briding"
my ass off.
Sophie, are those all your
bridal magazines?
That's only half.
Come on, Oleg!
Look, if those are too heavy,
how are you going to be able
to push the wedding donkey
down the aisle?
Wedding donkey?
My excitement level for this
wedding just skyrocketed.
Relax, Sophie.
If I know how to do anything,
it's how to move an ass.
That's true.
Yeah.
Wow, you're carrying more heavy
issues than Amanda Bynes.
Look at all these.
Beautiful Bride,
Modern Bride, City Bride?
And do you really need
African American Bride?
Well, I haven't ruled out
cornrows.
Cornrows and a donkey?
RSVP yes.
Oh, yeah.
This one's hot.
Save that one for later.
Oh, I forgot I'm getting
married.
Keep her.
I might need a Tuesday off.
Sophie, why don't you get some
help from your Maid of Honor?
I will kill you.
Or a wedding planner?
Oh, Sophie, my cousin, Svetlana,
is a wedding planner.
Okay, but she better be good.
Because I want everything
to be perfect on my big day.
Our big day.
Yeah. Sure.
I can't believe this.
They're getting married and
I don't have a wedding donkey
anywhere on my horizon.
OMG, you sell these T-shirts?
I just bought one.
Did I jut sell you that shirt
and already forgot?
I knew that nine-cent deodorant
was going to give me
brain lesions.
Well, the label did have
a picture of a brain
with "No Bueno" written on it.
No, I bought it at a store
in Manhattan
on East Ninth and Broadway.
I know because I'm OCD
and it was 67 steps
and 14 sidewalk cracks
from the corner.
Max, someone else is selling
our shirts.
I know.
We're getting hosed
by some other hoes.
I can't believe they stole
our shirt.
The one thing we made that
people actually wanted to buy.
I feel like Myspace.
I haven't seen anything
this upsetting in a window
since that time I accidentally
caught a reflection
of myself in my
waitress uniform.
We need to talk to someone
about those damn shirts
you jacked.
We about to rumble.
What she means is,
we wish to speak to someone
about the adorable
cupcake T-shirts in the window.
Or, we will be about to rumble.
I'm just working here
till I get my PhD
in the Eco-Social Dynamics
of Western Civilization.
So, forever?
Those T-shirts are our design
and we need to know why
they're here
and who knocked them off.
It's the granddaughter
of the woman who owns this shop.
She's kind of a monster
and she's walking in right now.
Hi, Kemberly and Ashlin.
These ladies are interested
in your T-shirts.
Aren't they cute?
So cute.
Yeah, super cute.
We designed them.
Yeah, we designed them.
What?
Yeah, what?
Ashlin and Kimberly, is it?
It's Kemberly, with an "E."
I changed it myself
'cause I'm original.
Yeah, she's an original.
You know what's not original?
Those shirts.
You stole them from us.
We did not steal your idea.
Yeah, we did not steal
your idea.
We copied it from this lame
cupcake shop in Brooklyn.
Wait a minute...
we have a lame cupcake shop
in Brooklyn.
Ashlin, you talk too much.
This is why everyone knows
about my lap-band.
I think they know about it
because you lost 200 pounds
over Spring break.
It's hard to believe she was
once twice this obnoxious.
If you don't stop selling
our T-shirts,
we're gonna have to get
our lawyer involved.
Yeah, we're gonna have to get
our lawyer involved.
And he's gonna kill you.
I don't know
what lawyers do.
We're totally not
doing this for us.
We're rich.
Yeah, we're rich.
A percentage of every shirt
that we sell goes to charity.
Yeah, it goes to charity.
We are the charity
that it needs to go to.
You're old and desperate
for money.
And I totally get it.
My aunt's one of the
Real Housewives of New York.
But, sorry.
It's the one without
the leg.
What just happened here?
That girl just called you old.
Earl, I don't think I'm going
to be buying you that pinky ring
you wanted any time soon.
No rush Max,
you got plenty of time.
I got like, six or seven months
before I turn to dust.
It's 'cause our T-shirts
got ripped off
by a couple of prep school
girls in Manhattan.
It's like a bad 80's movie.
I don't know whether to
date James Spader
or teach this town how to dance.
This is so unfair.
Those girls can't just steal
from us.
This isn't 7-Eleven.
Max, I can't believe
your naiveté.
What does my body spray
have to do with anything?
Look, there is no reason
to be so upset
about those two girls.
They're not going
to affect our business.
Plus, they have to live
with themselves.
And karma is a bitch.
I mean, I littered once
and look what happened to me.
Hey, everybody.
I'm up to my nuts
in bridal junk.
[bell dings]
There she is.
The love of my life.
The yin to my yang.
The zing to my wang.
Save that gold for the vows.
I am Svetlana, Oleg's cousin.
Well, darling,
it could be worse.
You could be his sister.
Svetty!
And you must be Sophie.
Yeah.
No.
But you haven't even heard
any ideas.
Caroline.
Sophie, why did you
just say my name?
Oh, it's Oleg's
and my safe word.
Yeah.
It means no.
It's the one word we both agreed
we would never say during sex.
Are you sure?
Because I give free oil change
with every wedding.
Caroline.
All right, well,
I'll be in my booth.
You know, this wedding planner
thing is as crappy as the movie
of the same name.
Girls, I forgot to tell you,
a man came by today
with this letter for you.
This reminds me of when
I was a young, hot-shot courier.
I was a young, hot-shot courier
once, too.
I used to deliver drugs to my
mother at work on my tricycle.
Oh, my God, Max,
you're not gonna believe this,
but those two girls have issued
a Cease and Desist order.
Those bitches.
What's that?
They're saying we have to stop
selling our T-shirts.
That's what I told them
we were going to do.
They even copied this idea.
We need to get a lawyer.
How? We can't even afford
Law & Order on iTunes.
Hey, do you think we could
afford that lawyer
on the subway billboards?
The one who has a gavel in one
hand and a chicken in the other?
I think he just
does acidentes.
What is going on here?
There's food waiting
in the window,
periodicals strewn about.
Someone's on his periodical.
Han, we just got served.
At least someone
in the diner has.
You're lucky your boss
is so chill.
Of course you're chill, you're
one of Mr. Popper's penguins.
How about this?
We'll do the jobs
you already pay us for
if you agree to pretend
to be our lawyer.
You have a suit, right?
Why would I pretend
to be a lawyer?
You can't even pretend
to be waitresses.
No one's gonna believe
Han's our lawyer, anyway.
He can't pass the bar,
he can barely see over one.
That's it! I've had it with you
two and your non-work ethic.
And this area is for customers.
I want these out of here!
(Max)
Ow!
Uh-oh.
Max?
I suppose I could dig up a suit
if that could, somehow,
make this boss striking
his employee thing go away.
Max, of course these girls
go to Dalby Hall,
all my archenemies did.
I guess Lady Gaga won
in the end, though.
In other news,
I kind of like this eye-patch.
I know you do,
you were pretending to be
the pirate queen
of the subway.
Well, no one arrrrrgued with us.
How long did the eye doctor
say you have to keep it on?
And by eye doctor, I mean
that first-year med student
we gave the free dessert to.
A few days, which is a bummer,
'cause only seeing half
of how sad we are
is kind of a blessing.
How are we gonna find them?
Follow the scent of our decaying
T-shirts business?
According to Instagram,
they're in the cafeteria, see?
Ashlin just posted a pic
of a mini-pizza.
#thatpizzalife
They have mini-pizzas
here?
My high school
didn't even have heat.
Sorry I'm late.
I had to pick up a suit
at the Men's Warehouse.
Don't you mean
the Not Quite A Man's Warehouse?
Han, I love your lawyer costume.
So authentic.
Only thing missing is the hole
where your soul should be.
Well, as I always say, if you're
going to do something--
Do it with your left hand so it
will feel like someone else?
No, if you're going to do
something, do it right.
Last Halloween, I went as Sprout
from the Green Giant commercial
and I even put pea pods
over my pee-pee.
You laugh, but I won $500.
Okay, I created my own
Cease and Desist order.
Where did you get this?
Same place Max printed
out that fake,
"I don't have herpes"
doctor certificate.
It works.
And here's your business card.
Where?
Where is it?
I can't see.
Here. And Han, I hope
you're a better actor than Max.
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson
is a better actor than Max.
Mr. Lu Su?
That's what you came up with?
Mr. Lu Su?
Well, you're a lawyer, so the
"Su" part is totally on point.
But Lu Su?
No Asian was ever named that.
Maybe not in this galaxy,
but might I remind you
of a Mr. Sulu.
Oh, yeah. I mixed it up.
Genius!
Han, you don't have to
use the cards.
I can make it work.
Two Halloweens ago,
I was an Ewok
and turned an orange bath-towel
into a turban.
Second place. $250.
And next Halloween,
you can wear that
and goes as a lesbian minister.
Okay, so the plan is,
we go in there
and calmly confront them
with our attorney.
I'll do the talking.
Han, you stand there
and try to look smart.
Ah. I'm already Asian.
So, done.
[indistinct chatter]
Wow, this brings me back.
I had a seat at the popular
table, the Debate Team table,
the Student Council table,
and the Waiting For Marriage
table.
But that table
kind of fell apart
when everybody
got pregnant but me.
I ate in the school
parking lot with a wino.
He was so nice to me,
I thought he might be my dad.
But then he never made
a move on me,
so I guess he wasn't.
(Kemberly)
Attention everyone, attention.
Yeah, attention everyone,
attention.
Ashlin and I are here today
to sell our T-shirts
and to talk about bullying
and how it's not cool.
It's so not cool.
I was talking, Ash.
Yeah, she was talking.
Their charity is bullying?
That's like Kanye West trying
to raise money for laying low.
A $3 donation will be made
to our anti-bullying fund
with each purchase of one
of our super, super cute tees.
Super, super cute tees.
My super cute tee!
Best idea I ever had.
Right up there with the bong
with a chin strap
so you could be hands-free
to change the channel.
So buy a shirt right now
and then we'll be back later
for the rest of the anti-bully
talk.
Yeah, buy them
or my dad won't pay
for the lacrosse
equipment this year.
Let's go.
They are making a fortune on us.
And if I'm gonna get screwed,
it better be by someone over 21
Yeah, that sounds like a job
with a two drink minimum.
Han, don't mess this up or
you'll be eating those glasses.
Might I interest you
in an anti-bullying pamphlet?
Might I interest you in a seat
on my finger?
Hey, how did you two
get in here?
The school pays guards out front
to keep out the homeless.
Yeah, well, jokes on you.
'Cause they just let us walk in.
Hello, girls.
You can "Cease and Desist"
selling our T-shirts as of now.
This is
our attorney, Mr....
Lu Su.
And he is holding our
Cease and Desist
to counter your
Cease and Desist.
Okay, well, first,
your lawyer looks like a teacher
on a Disney show.
Is that a bad thing?
And if you have anything
further to say,
you can take it up
with my lawyer. Her dad.
And he's real good.
He got that CEO guy who admitted
he killed his whole family
out on a technicality.
I forgot how mean girls can be.
How? I'm your roommate.
Thank you, Kemberly.
Thank you, Ashlin.
A little help.
Hello, girls,
you all look very nice.
What is he doing?
Hopefully a tight ten and then
he'll bring up the headliner.
This may be hard to believe,
looking at me
in this totally awesome suit,
but I know a little something
about being bullied.
As a little child--
And as a slightly bigger adult.
Seriously? In the middle of his
bullying speech, your bullying?
Kind of surprised even myself.
I have someone who bullies me.
Okay, let's get out
of here while I can.
It's not just the hitting
and the name-calling.
Although, not gonna lie,
that's a real bummer.
You see, girls, the bad thing
about being bullied
is that every time it happens,
it steals a little piece
of who you are.
And then, if it happens enough,
little by little,
you become just a little less
of who you were meant to be.
And that's not cool.
And these two girls up here,
without knowing it, I'm sure,
stole a little piece
of Max and Caroline.
when they stole
their little idea.
And that's so not cool.
Yeah, that's so not cool.
Max, Caroline,
we'll stop making the shirts.
Ash, I never said that.
Ah, no, Kemberly.
I did.
And I liked you more
before the lap-band.
When you were still Kimberly
with an "I."
[gasping]
[cheering]
Max, did Han just save us?
I wasn't listening,
I was putting mini-pizzas
in my pocket.
Girls, your shift started
40 minutes ago.
What are you doing here
so early?
Earl, good news.
We are now the sole owners
of all those cupcake T-shirts.
And, literally, nothing else.
Maybe I could rent a parrot
and pick up some shifts
at Long John Silver's.
Hey, girls.
I'm about to meet
another wedding planner.
And this one's gonna be good!
He's gay.
Sophie Kuchenski?
Yes, God!
From the second I walked
in here, I said to myself,
"That has to be her."
And I can see it.
We're going to make
magic together.
Yeah, what's gay for no?
Okay.
Wow, I think we just survived
a "torgaydo."
Where am I gonna find another
gay wedding planner
in New York now?
Just throw a tantrum
in a Crate & Barrel,
and five of them
will come running.
Hey, nice legal work today.
You should be on the
Little People's Court.
Yeah, from now on,
I'm calling you "Hanny Cochran."
Okay.
Next time you want to thank me,
just send me
an Edible Arrangement.
I don't know many times
I have to drop that hint.
But that's just, like,
a two-inch drop.
Sorry.
I can't help myself.
But I'm going to try because
I know I was the bully
you were talking about
in that speech.
What? I was talking about
the doorwoman in my building.
I have to submit
to a purple-nurple
just to get my mail.
There's another woman?
Max, I think Han
has a side bully.
Well, I'll just have
to try harder.
Because if anyone is gonna
mercilessly nurple you
into an early grave,
it's got to be me.
I'd like to think so, Max.
You'd also like to ride
in a car facing forwards.
Back to normal.
and Mr. Top.
Would you like a to-go box,
or are you just gonna put it
in your beard
with the rest of your sandwich?
We're in a beard-growing
contest.
They happen all over
the country.
It's a pretty big deal.
What's first prize?
Blindfold for your girlfriends?
I'm kidding, I know you don't
have girlfriends.
Actually, this level
of hair-art
takes months of hard work
and commitment.
Well, quack, quack,
Duck Dynasty.
My left armpit
could beat you both.
Let me tell you something
on behalf of women everywhere.
We. Don't. Like. Beards.
Caroline?
Beards?
(Caroline)
I never liked being one.
Ladies, if his name is Trace,
get the hell out of there.
See?
So, shave losers.
If you're chinless
or chin-plentiful,
it's better than
what you've got going on.
There's your tip,
be generous with mine.
You actually insult people
and then expect them
to give you money?
That's how it works
with you and me.
(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh ♪
[cash register bell dings]
♪ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Ooh Ooh ♪
Thanks.
Everyone's loving our new
cupcake T-shirts.
I've sold four in the last hour.
Three more and we can afford
that towel we've had our eye on.
These T-shirts keep selling.
That means more money.
Mo' means mo' success.
Mo' Success?
I think I dated
his cousin, Les.
Hey, everybody.
Mind if I stop
for a breather?
I've been "briding"
my ass off.
Sophie, are those all your
bridal magazines?
That's only half.
Come on, Oleg!
Look, if those are too heavy,
how are you going to be able
to push the wedding donkey
down the aisle?
Wedding donkey?
My excitement level for this
wedding just skyrocketed.
Relax, Sophie.
If I know how to do anything,
it's how to move an ass.
That's true.
Yeah.
Wow, you're carrying more heavy
issues than Amanda Bynes.
Look at all these.
Beautiful Bride,
Modern Bride, City Bride?
And do you really need
African American Bride?
Well, I haven't ruled out
cornrows.
Cornrows and a donkey?
RSVP yes.
Oh, yeah.
This one's hot.
Save that one for later.
Oh, I forgot I'm getting
married.
Keep her.
I might need a Tuesday off.
Sophie, why don't you get some
help from your Maid of Honor?
I will kill you.
Or a wedding planner?
Oh, Sophie, my cousin, Svetlana,
is a wedding planner.
Okay, but she better be good.
Because I want everything
to be perfect on my big day.
Our big day.
Yeah. Sure.
I can't believe this.
They're getting married and
I don't have a wedding donkey
anywhere on my horizon.
OMG, you sell these T-shirts?
I just bought one.
Did I jut sell you that shirt
and already forgot?
I knew that nine-cent deodorant
was going to give me
brain lesions.
Well, the label did have
a picture of a brain
with "No Bueno" written on it.
No, I bought it at a store
in Manhattan
on East Ninth and Broadway.
I know because I'm OCD
and it was 67 steps
and 14 sidewalk cracks
from the corner.
Max, someone else is selling
our shirts.
I know.
We're getting hosed
by some other hoes.
I can't believe they stole
our shirt.
The one thing we made that
people actually wanted to buy.
I feel like Myspace.
I haven't seen anything
this upsetting in a window
since that time I accidentally
caught a reflection
of myself in my
waitress uniform.
We need to talk to someone
about those damn shirts
you jacked.
We about to rumble.
What she means is,
we wish to speak to someone
about the adorable
cupcake T-shirts in the window.
Or, we will be about to rumble.
I'm just working here
till I get my PhD
in the Eco-Social Dynamics
of Western Civilization.
So, forever?
Those T-shirts are our design
and we need to know why
they're here
and who knocked them off.
It's the granddaughter
of the woman who owns this shop.
She's kind of a monster
and she's walking in right now.
Hi, Kemberly and Ashlin.
These ladies are interested
in your T-shirts.
Aren't they cute?
So cute.
Yeah, super cute.
We designed them.
Yeah, we designed them.
What?
Yeah, what?
Ashlin and Kimberly, is it?
It's Kemberly, with an "E."
I changed it myself
'cause I'm original.
Yeah, she's an original.
You know what's not original?
Those shirts.
You stole them from us.
We did not steal your idea.
Yeah, we did not steal
your idea.
We copied it from this lame
cupcake shop in Brooklyn.
Wait a minute...
we have a lame cupcake shop
in Brooklyn.
Ashlin, you talk too much.
This is why everyone knows
about my lap-band.
I think they know about it
because you lost 200 pounds
over Spring break.
It's hard to believe she was
once twice this obnoxious.
If you don't stop selling
our T-shirts,
we're gonna have to get
our lawyer involved.
Yeah, we're gonna have to get
our lawyer involved.
And he's gonna kill you.
I don't know
what lawyers do.
We're totally not
doing this for us.
We're rich.
Yeah, we're rich.
A percentage of every shirt
that we sell goes to charity.
Yeah, it goes to charity.
We are the charity
that it needs to go to.
You're old and desperate
for money.
And I totally get it.
My aunt's one of the
Real Housewives of New York.
But, sorry.
It's the one without
the leg.
What just happened here?
That girl just called you old.
Earl, I don't think I'm going
to be buying you that pinky ring
you wanted any time soon.
No rush Max,
you got plenty of time.
I got like, six or seven months
before I turn to dust.
It's 'cause our T-shirts
got ripped off
by a couple of prep school
girls in Manhattan.
It's like a bad 80's movie.
I don't know whether to
date James Spader
or teach this town how to dance.
This is so unfair.
Those girls can't just steal
from us.
This isn't 7-Eleven.
Max, I can't believe
your naiveté.
What does my body spray
have to do with anything?
Look, there is no reason
to be so upset
about those two girls.
They're not going
to affect our business.
Plus, they have to live
with themselves.
And karma is a bitch.
I mean, I littered once
and look what happened to me.
Hey, everybody.
I'm up to my nuts
in bridal junk.
[bell dings]
There she is.
The love of my life.
The yin to my yang.
The zing to my wang.
Save that gold for the vows.
I am Svetlana, Oleg's cousin.
Well, darling,
it could be worse.
You could be his sister.
Svetty!
And you must be Sophie.
Yeah.
No.
But you haven't even heard
any ideas.
Caroline.
Sophie, why did you
just say my name?
Oh, it's Oleg's
and my safe word.
Yeah.
It means no.
It's the one word we both agreed
we would never say during sex.
Are you sure?
Because I give free oil change
with every wedding.
Caroline.
All right, well,
I'll be in my booth.
You know, this wedding planner
thing is as crappy as the movie
of the same name.
Girls, I forgot to tell you,
a man came by today
with this letter for you.
This reminds me of when
I was a young, hot-shot courier.
I was a young, hot-shot courier
once, too.
I used to deliver drugs to my
mother at work on my tricycle.
Oh, my God, Max,
you're not gonna believe this,
but those two girls have issued
a Cease and Desist order.
Those bitches.
What's that?
They're saying we have to stop
selling our T-shirts.
That's what I told them
we were going to do.
They even copied this idea.
We need to get a lawyer.
How? We can't even afford
Law & Order on iTunes.
Hey, do you think we could
afford that lawyer
on the subway billboards?
The one who has a gavel in one
hand and a chicken in the other?
I think he just
does acidentes.
What is going on here?
There's food waiting
in the window,
periodicals strewn about.
Someone's on his periodical.
Han, we just got served.
At least someone
in the diner has.
You're lucky your boss
is so chill.
Of course you're chill, you're
one of Mr. Popper's penguins.
How about this?
We'll do the jobs
you already pay us for
if you agree to pretend
to be our lawyer.
You have a suit, right?
Why would I pretend
to be a lawyer?
You can't even pretend
to be waitresses.
No one's gonna believe
Han's our lawyer, anyway.
He can't pass the bar,
he can barely see over one.
That's it! I've had it with you
two and your non-work ethic.
And this area is for customers.
I want these out of here!
(Max)
Ow!
Uh-oh.
Max?
I suppose I could dig up a suit
if that could, somehow,
make this boss striking
his employee thing go away.
Max, of course these girls
go to Dalby Hall,
all my archenemies did.
I guess Lady Gaga won
in the end, though.
In other news,
I kind of like this eye-patch.
I know you do,
you were pretending to be
the pirate queen
of the subway.
Well, no one arrrrrgued with us.
How long did the eye doctor
say you have to keep it on?
And by eye doctor, I mean
that first-year med student
we gave the free dessert to.
A few days, which is a bummer,
'cause only seeing half
of how sad we are
is kind of a blessing.
How are we gonna find them?
Follow the scent of our decaying
T-shirts business?
According to Instagram,
they're in the cafeteria, see?
Ashlin just posted a pic
of a mini-pizza.
#thatpizzalife
They have mini-pizzas
here?
My high school
didn't even have heat.
Sorry I'm late.
I had to pick up a suit
at the Men's Warehouse.
Don't you mean
the Not Quite A Man's Warehouse?
Han, I love your lawyer costume.
So authentic.
Only thing missing is the hole
where your soul should be.
Well, as I always say, if you're
going to do something--
Do it with your left hand so it
will feel like someone else?
No, if you're going to do
something, do it right.
Last Halloween, I went as Sprout
from the Green Giant commercial
and I even put pea pods
over my pee-pee.
You laugh, but I won $500.
Okay, I created my own
Cease and Desist order.
Where did you get this?
Same place Max printed
out that fake,
"I don't have herpes"
doctor certificate.
It works.
And here's your business card.
Where?
Where is it?
I can't see.
Here. And Han, I hope
you're a better actor than Max.
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson
is a better actor than Max.
Mr. Lu Su?
That's what you came up with?
Mr. Lu Su?
Well, you're a lawyer, so the
"Su" part is totally on point.
But Lu Su?
No Asian was ever named that.
Maybe not in this galaxy,
but might I remind you
of a Mr. Sulu.
Oh, yeah. I mixed it up.
Genius!
Han, you don't have to
use the cards.
I can make it work.
Two Halloweens ago,
I was an Ewok
and turned an orange bath-towel
into a turban.
Second place. $250.
And next Halloween,
you can wear that
and goes as a lesbian minister.
Okay, so the plan is,
we go in there
and calmly confront them
with our attorney.
I'll do the talking.
Han, you stand there
and try to look smart.
Ah. I'm already Asian.
So, done.
[indistinct chatter]
Wow, this brings me back.
I had a seat at the popular
table, the Debate Team table,
the Student Council table,
and the Waiting For Marriage
table.
But that table
kind of fell apart
when everybody
got pregnant but me.
I ate in the school
parking lot with a wino.
He was so nice to me,
I thought he might be my dad.
But then he never made
a move on me,
so I guess he wasn't.
(Kemberly)
Attention everyone, attention.
Yeah, attention everyone,
attention.
Ashlin and I are here today
to sell our T-shirts
and to talk about bullying
and how it's not cool.
It's so not cool.
I was talking, Ash.
Yeah, she was talking.
Their charity is bullying?
That's like Kanye West trying
to raise money for laying low.
A $3 donation will be made
to our anti-bullying fund
with each purchase of one
of our super, super cute tees.
Super, super cute tees.
My super cute tee!
Best idea I ever had.
Right up there with the bong
with a chin strap
so you could be hands-free
to change the channel.
So buy a shirt right now
and then we'll be back later
for the rest of the anti-bully
talk.
Yeah, buy them
or my dad won't pay
for the lacrosse
equipment this year.
Let's go.
They are making a fortune on us.
And if I'm gonna get screwed,
it better be by someone over 21
Yeah, that sounds like a job
with a two drink minimum.
Han, don't mess this up or
you'll be eating those glasses.
Might I interest you
in an anti-bullying pamphlet?
Might I interest you in a seat
on my finger?
Hey, how did you two
get in here?
The school pays guards out front
to keep out the homeless.
Yeah, well, jokes on you.
'Cause they just let us walk in.
Hello, girls.
You can "Cease and Desist"
selling our T-shirts as of now.
This is
our attorney, Mr....
Lu Su.
And he is holding our
Cease and Desist
to counter your
Cease and Desist.
Okay, well, first,
your lawyer looks like a teacher
on a Disney show.
Is that a bad thing?
And if you have anything
further to say,
you can take it up
with my lawyer. Her dad.
And he's real good.
He got that CEO guy who admitted
he killed his whole family
out on a technicality.
I forgot how mean girls can be.
How? I'm your roommate.
Thank you, Kemberly.
Thank you, Ashlin.
A little help.
Hello, girls,
you all look very nice.
What is he doing?
Hopefully a tight ten and then
he'll bring up the headliner.
This may be hard to believe,
looking at me
in this totally awesome suit,
but I know a little something
about being bullied.
As a little child--
And as a slightly bigger adult.
Seriously? In the middle of his
bullying speech, your bullying?
Kind of surprised even myself.
I have someone who bullies me.
Okay, let's get out
of here while I can.
It's not just the hitting
and the name-calling.
Although, not gonna lie,
that's a real bummer.
You see, girls, the bad thing
about being bullied
is that every time it happens,
it steals a little piece
of who you are.
And then, if it happens enough,
little by little,
you become just a little less
of who you were meant to be.
And that's not cool.
And these two girls up here,
without knowing it, I'm sure,
stole a little piece
of Max and Caroline.
when they stole
their little idea.
And that's so not cool.
Yeah, that's so not cool.
Max, Caroline,
we'll stop making the shirts.
Ash, I never said that.
Ah, no, Kemberly.
I did.
And I liked you more
before the lap-band.
When you were still Kimberly
with an "I."
[gasping]
[cheering]
Max, did Han just save us?
I wasn't listening,
I was putting mini-pizzas
in my pocket.
Girls, your shift started
40 minutes ago.
What are you doing here
so early?
Earl, good news.
We are now the sole owners
of all those cupcake T-shirts.
And, literally, nothing else.
Maybe I could rent a parrot
and pick up some shifts
at Long John Silver's.
Hey, girls.
I'm about to meet
another wedding planner.
And this one's gonna be good!
He's gay.
Sophie Kuchenski?
Yes, God!
From the second I walked
in here, I said to myself,
"That has to be her."
And I can see it.
We're going to make
magic together.
Yeah, what's gay for no?
Okay.
Wow, I think we just survived
a "torgaydo."
Where am I gonna find another
gay wedding planner
in New York now?
Just throw a tantrum
in a Crate & Barrel,
and five of them
will come running.
Hey, nice legal work today.
You should be on the
Little People's Court.
Yeah, from now on,
I'm calling you "Hanny Cochran."
Okay.
Next time you want to thank me,
just send me
an Edible Arrangement.
I don't know many times
I have to drop that hint.
But that's just, like,
a two-inch drop.
Sorry.
I can't help myself.
But I'm going to try because
I know I was the bully
you were talking about
in that speech.
What? I was talking about
the doorwoman in my building.
I have to submit
to a purple-nurple
just to get my mail.
There's another woman?
Max, I think Han
has a side bully.
Well, I'll just have
to try harder.
Because if anyone is gonna
mercilessly nurple you
into an early grave,
it's got to be me.
I'd like to think so, Max.
You'd also like to ride
in a car facing forwards.
Back to normal.